Why Your Relationships Feel Off After 40 (And What To Do About It)

If you’ve been feeling like your friendships, your marriage, or even your entire circle just feels…different lately—this episode is going to hit home. 

In this honest and unfiltered conversation, we’re talking about the shift that happens in midlife that no one really prepares you for. The friendships that fade. The relationships that feel more like roommates than partners. And the quiet realization that not everyone is meant to come with you into this next chapter. 

We’re sharing real experiences, a little humor, and the kind of truth most women are thinking—but not saying out loud. 

This isn’t about losing people.
It’s about finding yourself again. 

If you’re navigating midlife friendships, marriage changes, or just feeling a little disconnected, this episode will make you feel seen—and maybe even a little lighter. 

Transcript

Tina 0:00

Hi friends, welcome back to the podcast. We are so glad you're here. If you're in midlife and you've ever looked it around at your relationships, your friendships, your marriage, and thought, wait, how did we get here? Then today's conversation is definitely for you. Hi, Manal, how are you today? I'm great. How are you? I am so excited to be here, really. I know, I am as well. And it's spring, the sun is out.

Manel 0:25

I know. I'm still dressed a little fally, but I'm a little chilly. You're looking so nice and swingy.

Tina 0:30

Thank you. I am just so glad to see that sun. Oh, so am I.

Manel 0:33

It's been gloomy.

Tina 0:34

I've been talking to a lot of people recently, you know, about midlife. And the one thing that keeps constantly coming up to me is once women start reevaluating their lives, they're finding that their friendships and their relationships are changing. I think we start choosing quality rather than quantity. You know, a lot of the time when we were younger, a lot of our friendships were based on proximity. You know, maybe we went to school with that person. Maybe our kids went to school. Maybe did they did sports or clubs together. You know, and once that goes away and you don't have that anchor holding the relationship together, then you really start to evaluate what it is.

Manel 1:19

Exactly. And like our our kids with younger kids, they look at quantity rather than quality. And our kids are always saying, Oh my God, I have, I know, my little one used to say, I have 15 friends, I have 20 friends. And at that stage, you want to tell them like if you come out of it with two or three friends, you've you've hit gold. So at this stage of our life, this is where we're searching for gold. We're digging deep down inside and looking for that diamond in the rough.

unknown 1:47

Right.

Tina 1:47

And I think one of the hardest things with midlife is realizing, you know, as you're changing and uh you're setting boundaries and you're changing who you are or maybe what you want in your life, is realizing that some friendships don't grow with you.

Manel 2:04

Yes, exactly. And you have to find out how these people or these friends of yours that you've had for so many years begin to associate with you in this stage of life, whether they make you feel good about yourself. And I know that you have have have had this topic with me, we've had this discussion many times about how leaving a friendship after seeing somebody, how either they drain you or they uplift you.

Tina 2:33

Right. I always had a thing. When I went out with a friend when I was re-evaluating my life, I would sit down and I would think after I'd left them. And I'd think, so does that person drain me? Or do I feel judged? Do I feel competitive? Or do I feel unseen? Yes. Or do I feel light? Do I feel supported? Do I feel inspired? You know, and it's really interesting to take note of the energy that you are getting with other people because you just you don't have the time anymore to have that energy sucked out of you.

Manel 3:09

And there are so many relationships that we, you know, unfortunately have with people and they all they do is drain us from our energy. Oh, we all have one of those friends. Yeah, we're all it's self-absorbed, unfortunately, and it it might not be even their fault, but it's our fault for letting them do this to us. Um, and if it drains you, and if that friendship does not serve you, it might be time for you to evaluate whether you should let go of this friendship or not.

Tina 3:36

Right. And I think, you know, in our younger friendships, we spent so much time saying yes to things we didn't really want to do, or keeping the peace and not trying to have conflict. And now that we're in this new stage of our life and we're getting our voice again, and you know, we're saying what we want to do and what we don't want to do, and we're setting boundaries, you know, that's when the friendship really starts to change.

Manel 4:03

It's so important. It's so important for you to set boundaries, and we're no longer yes men. We don't want, we don't, I don't, you know, we don't care whether anybody likes us or not at this point of staying. I mean, I I am who I am, I'm not changing for anybody. So I need to make myself comfortable. And in turn, I'll make that friend comfortable because I would be a fake friend if I pretend to be, you know, engaging or pretend to like the atmosphere I'm in. It's it's false for both of us. It's right.

Tina 4:30

And look, not all friendships at this stage need to be reevaluated. You know, some of us have got, you know, longtime friends who are growing as well, and we're growing together, and they're they're supportive and we're supportive of them. But I I think you know, we're really talking about those ones that don't make us feel good anymore.

Manel 4:49

Yes, and those that also do not wish us well. And we know we we know a lot of people like that, not you know, specific people, but we know a lot of people like that. And friendships are very important at this stage. Friendships for our age, because we're all going through the same things. We have to voice our opinion together and find out like when we go out to with uh to lunch with friends, we're discovering like, oh my God, we're going through the same thing. We're talking about our aches and our pains or our problems, our kids, but we're all going through this together. It's the same level. And that kind of friendship, it's those are the types of friendships we should nurture and build more of.

Tina 5:27

Right. Well, because it's people that really understand what you're going through. Yes. And that may have experienced it themselves. And I think when you have a group of women that understand, you feel so much stronger. You don't feel alone.

Manel 5:41

Yes, and I I've always told you this, and and we've been friends for 20 years, and I love to build friends based on it's almost like a sisterhood. Like we're we're sisters. You tell it like it is to me, and sometimes it's blunt, which is great. Yes, I do. Yes, you do, you really do. But I don't take offense to that because I know it's coming from love. Love for me, love for my family, love for my children. You will go out of your way to do anything for anybody, and especially for me. And I really appreciate that. And that comes back to sisterhood, and those are the bonds that you need to build with in our real in our time right now. We need to build a sisterhood of women around us to secure this bond around us.

Tina 6:26

And also, too, when you let go of friendships that aren't working, you create more space in your life for better friendships. Yes.

Manel 6:36

And sometimes it's surprising that friends that aren't so close to you at this stage of life, you re-evaluate them. They they become really very close friends, especially with the situation now what we're doing. And we've come to realize that there are friends that are behind us 100%, and there are friends that we thought would be behind us, are not. And it's so surprising.

Tina 7:00

Why do you think that women feel so guilty letting go of long-term friendships?

Manel 7:06

I think it's the time that we've dedicated and spent on the friendship that we're trying to salvage something that might not be salvageable. It might not be beneficial for either party, but we're still sticking in there, giving it every opportunity. And sometimes it's time to let go. Like you said, it's to save energy for other things, for other friends, for other people to put that energy into. Create space.

Tina 7:33

Create space. Yeah. So have you ever had a friendship that in midlife changed? And though it felt sad at the time, by sort of moving away from that friendship, you eventually found it was so much healthier for you?

Manel 7:45

Unfortunately, yes. Um, it was a friend from back in high school, and we've been through thick and thin, and it's just, I think we've developed, we're at different stages of our life. We're the same age, but she got married a lot younger than me, and her family is grown more than mine. But we faced a situation where she just blew up. Like she didn't understand the stage of life I'm in, and she didn't want to understand. She was just wanting her, what she's going through, her situation. And I just realized that I couldn't handle that. I couldn't handle the stress, I didn't want it anymore. And unfortunately, I had to let go.

Tina 8:25

Right.

Manel 8:25

And it's sad, but it it was something, it's reality.

Tina 8:28

But if it's tiring and you're having to defend yourself all the time or watch what you say to someone, you can't tiptoe on friendships.

Manel 8:36

You can't tiptoe around people with friendships. That's not a friendship.

Tina 8:39

Right.

Manel 8:40

That's not a friendship.

Tina 8:41

Right.

Manel 8:41

And have you ever had a friend who didn't like the new version of you?

Tina 8:46

It's actually funny you say that. So when we decided to start this podcast, we started it because we wanted to talk about the things in midlife that we're experiencing and you know, give people somewhere to listen and to feel like, okay, they're normal too. They're going through this. I'm not alone. And I remember when I told a friend of mine who owns and started up a cosmetic company that I was going to be doing this, she said to me, Just you wait. You'll learn who your friends are. You will. I kind of took it with a grain of salt, really didn't think about it. So then I started doing this podcast. And I have some incredible girlfriends who have been such an amazing support. And my cheerleaders and rah-rah behind me, which is wonderful. But what actually surprised me was I had some good friends that was like crickets. Yes. Nothing. I didn't hear anything.

Manel 9:42

And that's so shocking. Is it you get so surprised because you never expected that out of them.

Tina 9:46

Right. And then I had other people who I barely know or who haven't spoken to in a long time. I had texts, I had phone calls saying, hey, I'm really proud of you, or this is awesome, and how can I support you? So it was a really big eye opener for me. Um and learning just who was kind of really in my corner and who wasn't. And sometimes, unless you have things happen in your life, you don't, you don't get to realize those things. So as I said, it was a big eye opener.

Manel 10:17

And especially women in friendships, it's just it you need that, like I said again, it's a sisterhood. And if you can't offer that to me, it's I have no space in my life for you. And that's not, it's okay. It's okay. It's it's it's perfectly okay.

Tina 10:32

I think it is, and it's just realizing that sadly that friendship was built on an older version of you.

Manel 10:39

Yes, and it's moved on, and and they have they have to deal with what they're dealing with. It has nothing to do with you. You can't take it really personal. We're not saying just get rid of everybody. There are friendships that are really worth trying and and working too hard for because some people are maybe they're going through a different stage through uh of life than you are, or maybe they need a little help. We haven't reached the aha moment, obviously, yet, but we're we're working on it. And maybe they're just on their first step and working on their goal to you know, realizing the midlife and they can do more with their life. So those are people that you should stick with and just find out what you can help with.

Tina 11:19

It's true. So, you know, talking about friendships, a lot of this is very, you know, a lot of similarity when you talk about relationships and marriage as well. You know, marriage and relationships in your 20s and 30s was all about building a life. Yes. Then you kind of get to midlife and it's more about evaluating the life that you built. Yes. So a lot of women start to really question how do I feel in this relationship? Am I feelings seen? Is this relationship working for us both? Uh they really start asking those questions.

Manel 11:55

And it's a reevaluation of what your needs are at this stage of life. And it's very important communication with your partner. It's very important because sometimes they don't realize that the changes in you, you need different treatment. You need to be seen, you need to be heard. They also need to be seen and heard, but you have to have and start with communication. That's the most important thing in a relationship to start evaluating it.

Tina 12:22

Yeah. Well, I think it's quite a shock sometimes to some partners, especially if they've been in a marriage that's, you know, based on logistics. It's like, you know, who's picking up the kids or who's dropping off the dry cleaning, and you know, they've sort of lost that emotional connection to suddenly you've got this partner who's saying, No, I don't want to do that, and no, I'm not going to do that. And I need this out of you, and I need this in a relationship. So it can be quite a shock. And that's where I think that communication is right. It's it's so important because you can actually be married or in a in a relationship and feel completely alone.

Manel 12:59

Exactly. You feel like you're roommates, you're not, you don't even have anything in common anymore. You have to have find that commonality. It's not only about your family that you built or your kids, it's what made you two originally get together. You have to remember that there's love there, there's there's a life built there and communication. If that breaks down, you lose everything.

Tina 13:20

That's the thing, is it's how do we start communicating if we haven't communicated for so long? And it's just starting off slowly and really thinking about what you want and speaking to your partner, letting them know that what you want going forward and how you'd like your partnership to be. And you actually want a partnership. You know, a lot of people, as I said, they feel like they're roommates and not partners. But it's also, like you said, listening to what they want as well. It has to be both of you, you know, getting what you want.

Manel 13:50

Yes, and that leads also to, you know, intimacy too. You know, what we need, how we want to be treated outside, not only in the bedroom, but outside the bedroom. We want to talk, we want the emotional connection first.

Tina 14:04

Right. And and that's like you said, it's so important because a lot of men still don't realize that if we're not getting the intimacy and the partnership outside of the bedroom, we're not feeling it inside the bedroom. You know, so that's really important. But in intimacy comes with a lot of things, you know, there can be, you know, you can start feeling too familiar with someone, or maybe there's body changes, changes it up a little bit, you know, hormones and things. So I think, you know, if you if your body is feeling like it can't perform anymore, I think it's really important to talk to your doctor about it. You know, we come from a generation of women that didn't really talk about it.

Manel 14:42

Silence, it's not spoken.

Tina 14:43

So I think it's important to, you know, speak to your doctor and advocate for yourself and and lack of estrogen or progesterone, any testosterone, you know, different things like this could be causing that to happen.

Manel 14:55

Medically could be repair like fixed. It's you just need to speak out and tell somebody what's going on with you. Yeah. Because nobody's gonna guess.

Tina 15:02

Right. And I think if you do the steps, you know, women in midlife, they're wanting that connection, they know their bodies a lot better than they did when they're younger. And I think you can work on that intimacy and you can slowly try to get it back if you have lost it in your relationship.

Manel 15:17

And try to schedule time to spend together. I mean, I know some people aren't they're not retired yet and they're still working. And you know, they used to say like the date night when the kids were around, but now it's you have all the time in the world. I mean, after work, maybe you're tired like you guys do, like on the weekends. Make a specific time just for you guys to reconnect, to do something fun.

Tina 15:39

Right. My husband and I, we started playing pickleball.

unknown 15:42

Yep.

Tina 15:42

So we play every Sunday, and it's great. We'll often go out for lunch afterwards. And you know, we didn't get the time to do any of that when the kids were, you know, growing up and we were both torn in two different places, you know, we had two children. So it's it's been nice to you know spend that time together.

Manel 15:58

We like going for walks. I like walking, so he likes to walk. We and we just get to talk, either walk the dog or walk on the beach. That's a great time. Go have lunch, go go grab uh coffee outside just to talk, just to be with us outside our familiar surroundings, and you're just too in front of each other just to talk.

Tina 16:17

I also think it's a really important time to actually find out if both of you are willing to get to know each other again. Because sometimes you may be doing all the changes and wanting the, you know, wanting the change and doing the work on yourself and your partner liked it like it was before. They don't like this new version of you.

Manel 16:36

And that comes back to communication again because if they don't commute, I mean, they can be lying to you, obviously, but if you don't communicate what you want, you don't know what the other person wants. They might not want what you want, and then you know.

Tina 16:47

And I think it's both of you asking together like, do we want the next chapter of our lives together to feel different than the previous chapter?

Manel 16:56

Definitely, definitely. I some people don't. Some people don't. Yeah, I yeah, you're right, you're right. They're just tired. Um, some people it's like, I'm done. I this is time for me to live for myself, and I just want a total change. And it's it's okay. I mean, that's but you have to be frank about it. You have to be upfront about it. You can't just hide it. You have again, communication, communication, communication. You have to open up the channels of communication. Right.

Tina 17:18

And I think, you know, this is the same for both friendships and relationships. It really becomes about trust and honesty. Because I know with my friendships as well, I need truth from my friends, I need honesty from my friends, I need to be able to trust them. I don't want to spend time with someone and then walk away and know that they're off telling someone else or my business. Oh my gosh. You know, trust is so important. So I think it's important in both friendships and relationships.

Manel 17:48

Very, very important.

Tina 17:49

Honesty and trust.

Manel 17:50

Honesty and trust. And you know me, I don't like any I hate gossip. I hate people talking about each other, and that is one thing that is a no-no for friendships for me. That's like the number one thing. I can't handle that. Can't stand it.

Tina 18:02

So, you know, if women are in this stage in their marriage or their relationship and you know, they're questioning everything about themselves and their lives, and they're feeling like they're stuck with each other as roommates and they don't know how to start this process, how to start trying to connect again. Where do you think they should start?

Manel 18:20

I really think that they should get outside help. I really think if you can't know where to begin, I really think that maybe therapy, couples therapy, talk to somebody. I mean, just don't throw in the towel. It's worth trying, giving it every effort. And I really think that therapy really connects people together. Sometimes it it they realize that they don't want to be together, but at least they've tried, they've given it a chance.

Tina 18:44

Right. Well, I think it's great to get someone else's perspective because you know, we tend to in our relationships, you know, I'll think I'm right, my husband will think he's right. 100%. You know, and that happens in most relationships, and so it becomes very hard to compromise. So when you have someone else's, you know, from the outside their perspective of it and can talk about it in a different way to you both, yes, and try to help you, I think that can really guide you as well. Yes.

Manel 19:10

And a lot of people unfortunately just stay in a marriage that they're not happy, and because it's they're bound by the children, and that's the bond, and it's just we're gonna continue on this, and it just makes everybody miserable. So if you don't begin to realize your needs, you can make the other person miserable, whether it be the man or the woman. I mean, you could be miserable together, and it's horrible.

Tina 19:33

So I think it's like you say, it's realizing what your needs are as well, not expecting everything to come from your partner or your husband.

Manel 19:41

You have to do your work, you have to understand who who you are at this stage of life and what you need.

Tina 19:46

Right. Making yourself happy first. Find out because you know, a lot of the time, like we've discussed before, we're so busy being, you know, we're either working or we're mothers or, you know, both, and we're giving to everyone else all the time that we don't actually stop to think about what we need to make us happy. So I think, you know, as you get to midlife, life slows down a bit and it, you know, gets a little bit quieter. And now it becomes the time to think about what you want.

Manel 20:15

You have to realize it first because I think we forget that we are entitled to be happy and we are entitled to ask things for ourselves, and we just have to keep remembering that because we deserve it. We've done so much for so many years. I mean, we it's it's our turn, and we really need to advocate for ourselves to realize what we need and what makes us happy.

Tina 20:39

It's actually shocked me how much, you know, getting to this age um in my 50s and how much evaluating I am actually doing. You're evaluating everything. I'm evaluating everything.

Manel 20:51

We talk all the time and you evaluate everything, which is great. And I think you're actually making me think more. And it's my my head hurts, but you're making me think a lot more about a lot of things, and it's it's bringing perspective to my life. And I really appreciate that. Thank you.

Tina 21:09

Oh, you're welcome. That's lovely. Because I think what happens is like I've said before, we're so busy, we don't take the time to think about what we need. Yes, yes.

Manel 21:18

And it's like you need people to voice or bounce back ideas of, you know, is this correct or should I be feeling this way? And that's what you need. That's what we're saying about friendships and relationships. It's it's bouncing back. It's not only in your head, talk to people, talk. If you don't have anybody to talk to, call somebody. There's so many listen to us, contact us, we'll talk to you. Right. But it's very important not to keep it in your head, to, to, to bounce it off of somebody, speak it out, set it out, like you know, set out the intention of like, am I crazy or is this really who I am? Say it out loud.

Tina 21:57

I think it's saying it out loud makes it more real. But I also like that you can get a little crazier at this age because I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. I do not care.

unknown 22:07

Oh my God.

Manel 22:08

We get louder and louder and funnier. I think I'm getting funnier. My kids used to think that I have no sense of humor. Ah, you know. But I am funny now. Because I don't care.

Tina 22:18

I think you are. You make me laugh.

Manel 22:20

My kids are like, oh my God, Mom, you're embarrassing us. I like that. I like that better.

Tina 22:24

Well, it's because, like you said, we're we're letting go, we're setting boundaries, we're opening ourselves up, we're finding out who we are, and this is just an exciting, wonderful time. And, you know, like we've said, friendships and relationships are such a big part of it because they are a huge part of our lives.

Manel 22:42

It is.

Tina 22:43

You know, and that's why we have to take the time to evaluate. And I keep using the word evaluate, but to really, you know, look at what's working for us and what's not. It's the most important thing.

Manel 22:54

And just keep doing what you're doing. Enjoy life. This is time to enjoy life. Enjoy your relationships. Go out and do something fun for yourself.

Tina 23:03

I agree.

Manel 23:04

Take your husband out, treat him to something that he didn't expect, or like do something different. Shock them.

Tina 23:09

Right.

Manel 23:10

Or shock a girlfriend.

Tina 23:11

Good idea.

Manel 23:12

Thanks so much for joining us today and being part of the conversation about friendships and relationships in midlife. These topics can be complicated, but they're such an important part of this stage of life. As we grow, change, and figure out what truly feels right for us. We're really grateful that you spent this time with us today. And if this conversation resonated with you, we hope you come back and join us again.

Tina 23:32

Next week, we're going to be talking about something really exciting reinvention in midlife and how this stage of life can be the perfect time to start fresh. Try new things and create the life that we really want. Thanks again for listening. Don't forget to subscribe, and we'll see you next time.