Crave To Connect | Building Better Relationships

Love Languages | Crave To Connect | Ep10

• Karina and Michael • Season 1 • Episode 10

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0:00 | 52:02

Crave To Connect is a candid, honest, and sometimes hilarious conversation about the messy realities of relationships.Hosted by Karina Paxton, a certified clinical EFT practitioner, and a trauma informed coach, and...

Michael Calderon, a licensed clinical social worker (LSCW) and a licensed clinical alcohol and drug counselor (LCADC) specializing in mental health, addiction, and relationship dynamics

The goal is simple: Real conversations about real life and real real relationships.

With their unique backgrounds in trauma recovery, therapy, and emotional healing, Karina and Michael bring two different perspectives to topics like toxic relationships, healing, personal growth, and understanding human behavior. 

Expect relaxed conversations, unexpected insights, and the occasional awkward moment, because that’s what real conversations look like.

Pull up a chair, get comfortable, and join the conversation.


To get in touch:

Instagram: 

https://www.instagram.com/liveyourlife.coach?igsh=dHJpcm1zZmQ3c3Ex&utm_source=qr

Website:

https://linktr.ee/liveyourlife.coach

Book a Call:

https://calendly.com/liveyourlife-coach/30-minute-discovery-call-helena-guest

Michael Calderon:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/michael-calderon-hackettstown-nj/1044394


SPEAKER_00

Welcome to Crave to Connect with your hosts Karina, the recovering men hater, and Mike, the former emotionally unavailable therapist. Sit back, get comfortable, and relax. Our whole vibe with this podcast is to casually dive into all the messy, hilarious, and sometimes confusing parts of relationships. Whether it's with yourself or the humans, no pressure, just good chat, and maybe some awkward moments. Hi everybody. Welcome to Crave to Connect. Today we are going to talk about love languages.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, love languages. There's five. There's five of them we'll get into.

SPEAKER_00

We'll get into that. And this was something that was fairly new to you.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, something something we went over. It was brought up in school a little bit, um, but never really dove too deeply into it. And um yeah, you talked a lot about it, and it's something I've actually translated into my therapy that I use with uh clients more than I ever have. So I'm finding it's been very helpful couples therapy.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I um I'm just fascinated by this. And um, so the five love languages is a book by Gary Chapman, and it was published in 1992, so it's been around for a very long time. It has sold over 20 million copies, and it was on the best-seller list for over 25 years. That's incredible, right? And there's an updated version out. I don't think I've read that one, but that's from 2015. And um, so Gary Chapman, who founded the Five Level Languages, he is a marriage counselor, just like you. He is an author and he is a speaker, and um, he just really thought um so he really believes that love is not just a feeling, but it's like a series of intentional actions that we do. And honestly, up until I read his book, and I read that years ago, um I never thought of it that way. I just thought, well, you get find somebody, you get together. Um, there's gonna that was my previous experiences in relationships, right? There's gonna be a lot of up and downs, mostly downs from my experience in my in my previous relationships, and that's just how it is. So when I read his book, I was just like, what? People have different ways that they love and that they prefer to be loved, right? To receive love and and prefer to be loved. And I just thought that was fascinating. So we we're gonna get into that, what the love languages are, um, because I think it's just also for yourself. So I would say, even if you're not in a relationship, and um when I read it, I was in a marriage where my my partner was never gonna read a book like this or be interested in knowing what his love language was, but I really just read it for me because I wanted to understand how do I love, how do I want to receive love, what's important to me. And um and it just it just made so much sense. And pretty early in our relationship, I presented the idea to you because there are many free tests that you can find online. If you just Google um the five love languages, free quiz, like a ton of them will pop up. So I remember shortly after you and I met over the phone one night. I sort of presented the idea and I said, Do you know what love languages are? And you were like, I sort of do, I think you said, right?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I couldn't remember, I didn't have a memorized. I mean, I I was familiar, but I didn't have the memorized.

SPEAKER_00

And I said, I just happen to have a quiz right here. Do you want to take it? No, I did, I did explain it to you, I thought, right? And I said, I think I said, if you're interested in open, I said, I think it would just be really good information for me to learn too. Like, how do you like to be loved? Like, I really wanted to learn that about you. And luckily, you were super open to it, and I think you did it right on the phone with me as we were talking about.

SPEAKER_01

I did, yeah, right?

SPEAKER_00

Yep, and um, and I guess correctly what your love language are, and I think we're gonna get into that after this. But um, it just I was like, first of all, I was just like, this is so incredible. Like, here's a man who is interested in in uh in in like uncovering this with me and who wants to know what is my love language, and what and then you wanted to know what my love language was. So it was just such a great way to communicate.

SPEAKER_02

And it's also it's it's good to know what yours is, but if you have different love languages, it's you know, it's important to understand how your your partner receives love because otherwise it's like, okay, I'm gonna give you a birthday present I want instead of what you want, right? It's uh we need to then love the our partner in the way that they receive love the most. We can still present it in our way, but we have to make sure we're doing it. Luckily for us, we're very similar, as we'll talk about later. But we are with people who are not, it's really important to understand because if you're giving them love in your love language and not theirs, they're not perceiving it that way. They're not receiving it the same way. And so it becomes this issue of wow, do you even love me? And it's like, what do you mean? I'm doing these things, but it's almost like giving somebody a gift that you want them to have rather than something they actually want.

SPEAKER_00

It's like you're just assuming, right? So in in his book, The Five Love Love Languages, he presents a lot of real life stories, and they are just you know, couples that's been married forever, and um, you know, and the and the husband, they go to marriage counseling, they see him, and and the wife might say, I just I just don't feel loved. And the husband is like, I don't, I don't get it. Like, I just I do all this stuff around the house. I always take out the garbage. Like, I thought that's what she wanted me to do, right? Like I go to the kids' baseball games, like, what else does she want me to do? And then in one of the stories I remember when Gary was able to uncover what her love language was, it was not act of service, right? She really wanted, she wanted quality time, she wanted to spend time with him. And when he realized that, that it doesn't matter what I do for her, of course she appreciates it, but that's not how she receives love.

SPEAKER_02

It's nice, it's not, it doesn't mean love. And I I used to do that, a lot of acts of service to to demonstrate love. Right. Um, when I was younger, I thought that's what you did, and there were times it wasn't received that way. It's like, well, like you don't you don't care about me. And I'm like, what do you mean? I'm doing all this stuff, but that wasn't their language, so right.

SPEAKER_00

Um, and it's just so to this couple in particular, they were married for 20-some years, had kids that are an outgrown, and they just had no idea how each other wanted to be loved. He assumed that when I do stop for her, she's gonna feel she's gonna be fine, she's gonna be happy, right? Happy wife, happy life. And she felt like she just didn't have a husband that loved her, and she didn't even understand that her love language was quality time, but that's what she was craving. She just wanted him to be with her and and to do things together that she appreciated. So I just I just find this fascinating. And um, Gary Chapman, one of his quotes are love is a choice and an action.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_00

So it's like it's just what do you an action is a choice too, right? What do you choose to do for this other person? And how can we really get to know each other on a deeper, on a deeper level?

SPEAKER_02

Or and if you're saying another way, it's not just a noun, it's a verb. Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah. And um, so Gary says it is just so important. Why is this important to understand? Like it just helps avoid misunderstandings and feelings of neglect, just like what we described before, right?

SPEAKER_02

Right. Somebody could feel neglected even though you're because you're providing in in your love language and not theirs, yeah, nothing.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it just foster just a deeper connection and intimacy, right? And um, so one once once we understand how do you like to be loved? How do I like to be loved? He's saying it just the communication again, what you and I always say keep talking, right? But the communication, now we speak in the same language love language, right? We speak in the same language, your love language might be different than mine, which is also completely fine. But then the trick is so your love language does that, and my love language is that. How are we going to be together and have this relationship when we love and receive love differently? But isn't that just so good to know?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, definitely. And it's it's very important to know how your partner receives love because then it's up to you to provide it that way. Doesn't mean you can't provide it the way you also uh, you know, the what's important to you, but you know that I need to emphasize in a different place um if that's what it is. I've I've worked with couples where, you know, I'm I'm more I had a couple where hers was acts of service, and he was, you know, not doing that, but he was doing other things and and she wasn't receiving it, you know. And it's like I I I just want you to take out the garbage. I want you to do the the the little things that I had the few little things I ask, and he was totally missing her love language.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah, this whole thing.

SPEAKER_02

And that was her most important aspect, and that was not where he was focused.

SPEAKER_01

Right, right.

SPEAKER_02

Like, so what it what's the big deal if I forgot to have the garbage, I'll take it out tomorrow, you know.

SPEAKER_00

But that was important for her, yes, and he didn't know that because they never had she didn't feel loved, and as soon as he started doing that, things started to get better.

SPEAKER_02

She felt more love, yeah. So, you know, in therapy, yeah, we were able to uncover that.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, that was fantastic, right? Yeah, and it's like it's almost just seems like it's this one little piece that could be missing in the puzzle, right? And it's like you find it and then it fits, and you're like, Is this is this this is really what we had to do? It was it was pretty much that simple. And that's it's not to say that this this is the one-way ticket to everything, but no, I think if and both partners have to be really interested in speaking each other's love language and filling up your bucket, so to speak. Otherwise, it's not gonna work. You can't just have one person.

SPEAKER_02

Right. So, if we're dealing with people like you know, in couples therapy, a lot of times people come to me and we already have we could do another podcast on this, which is you know, for anyone who knows the Gottmans, they're the go-to people for couples therapy, and they talk about the four horsemen, which are contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. And so, if a couple's coming to you with all those things, you have to get those out of relationship before you could ever talk about love languages, 100%, right? And so that's when it gets complicated. So if there's already resentment and all and criticism or other things in a relationship, it's like I hate him. I don't want to criticize, I don't want to know his love language, right? Like even or well, you're here. Well, I yes, but um, you know, everything's a resentment, so we have to work through and try and neutralize that and help people heal during that in order for them to even consider love languages. But yeah, this is for people who already are doing the work or in love to better understand themselves and others, to enhance their their relationship and love even more, or for people who are struggling in some ways where it's not to the level of the four horsemen, but yeah, um and wanting to, you know, feeling distance in a relationship, wanting to strengthen that up, you know, and and just good old-fashioned maintenance. I mean, we we do pretty well.

SPEAKER_00

We're we're almost nine months now, and but we still do maintenance with this, so and I think you have to, like it just it doesn't stop. And that's one thing I don't think I ever understood either in a relationship that you have to keep nourishing it, right? You have to keep cultivating it, you have to keep checking in. And um, that was really a surprise for me when I was when I started research. Like, what is a healthy relationship? How do you find a healthy relationship, but also how do you maintain it?

SPEAKER_02

Well, it's like if you don't water your plants, they're gonna die. You have to feed it, you know. Same thing with pets, we have to feed them, we have to give them healthy food, right? We have to watch their weight, we have to make sure they have plenty of water. If they're indoor like a cat, we gotta clean their box or a dog, we gotta make sure they're getting outside and getting enough exercise. And you have to do the same thing with a relationship. We have to the relationship needs exercise, right? That's like having time for the couple and nourishment, um, you know, words of affirmation, actions of affirmation, and and you know, people get caught up, especially when there's children involved. Yeah, it becomes all about the children. It does, and especially with sports today, with travel teams, you know, you got one parent traveling to Arizona with one kid, the other parents traveling to North Carolina with the other kid. Yeah, and there's not a lot of time for the couple. It's I don't even know how parents are doing all that.

SPEAKER_00

I I don't know either. With one child, I can't imagine. I can't imagine doing that. So, yeah, absolutely. Once you have kids, the relationship often takes a back seat.

SPEAKER_02

You have to make the relationship still a priority, otherwise it will die. Yeah, that's why a lot of people, once the children are off to college or move out, they find they have nothing in common anymore. The only thing they had in common was the children and the common friends that they made.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

And they because they just weren't nourishing their relationship.

SPEAKER_00

So and we all grow and change, right? And this is what Gary says too. It's just it's um the love language that you have now, it's not static, right? It can evolve over time because we grow, hopefully, in a as a healthy person, right? That's that's interested in getting to know yourself and continue to grow, you're always going to grow.

SPEAKER_02

Mine evolved. I don't know what it used to be because I wasn't really aware, you know, back in my 20s and 30s. But um, certainly has evolved to where, you know, my primary love language is touch. So um, but I could tell you in my twenties, I didn't even want to hold a girl's hand I was dating in my 20s, so that definitely was not my love language. Probably acts of service in my 20s, but uh I'm not really sure to be honest.

SPEAKER_00

No, because you didn't think of it that way, and you weren't even even aware, right, that that was that that was anything. And I just you talking about, you know, once you have kids and how their relationship changed. I have very few friends that are married um and have children, some have multiple children that have happy, healthy marriages because they invest in themselves, right? They invest in themselves separately, but also with their spouse. So they will take time and leave the kids with a sitter or family. So they have healthy relationships. Yes, they have healthy relationships and they go out and they spend time together, they deposit in each other's bank account.

SPEAKER_02

Well, actually, in the couple's account, the joint account, they're making their emotional deposits, right?

SPEAKER_00

Because we all have separate bank accounts, and then there's a joint one, right? So that's what they're doing.

SPEAKER_02

So emotionally, we have a joint account and we have our own separate account.

SPEAKER_00

Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. I like the way you put that.

SPEAKER_02

But yeah, so they're investing in the joint account, so they do that.

SPEAKER_00

They are, and both partners are interested in doing that. It's not just one, it's not just a mother that's like, oh my gosh, having another date night, and we're gonna have to call the sitter and what are we gonna do? And both partners are equally interested. And let's let's keep the let's go out and have it's just it's different when you go out without your children.

SPEAKER_02

And a lot of you know, there's a lot of men who think that being invested is not masculine or not important, and men don't do that, and it's like, you know what? Uh, I couldn't disagree more. And what I would say to any man out there who might be thinking that way is if you have a daughter, do you whatever you're modeling for your daughter is what she's likely going to be looking for in another man. So if if you want your daughter to have that kind of relationship, then you need to model that. And even if she's not seeing everything, kids know they feel it, they do, they see, they're very perceptive.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, they do.

SPEAKER_02

Um, but it's important for us to do that because a lot of a lot of men think, oh, that's all those feelings, no thanks. I don't want to get involved. At least not as much today as maybe when I was younger, but uh, you know, it's really important. This is all important stuff, and it just makes all of us healthier, mentally healthier. Your family, your spouse, yourself.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah, and it just creates a healthy, a healthy home, right? Because just like you said, children watch and they model and they copy, and then that becomes the norm. And so, like we talked about in previous relationships, it's what you have experienced, what I experienced as a child. We didn't know anything different. We took that with us, and we thought this is this is just what it's like. This is how families are, this is how dad talks to mom, and this is how mom talks to dad. And whether it's a household where we just yell, maybe in in my family, I never saw my parents hold hands, never saw them hug, never saw them kiss. There was there was just none of that, never heard them talk to each other in like a calm, sweet way. There was just there was just there was just none of that.

SPEAKER_02

I never saw any love between my parents that I can ever remember. Um, very much like what you described, except it was we didn't know what was in, you know, it was just there was so much tension and so much anger in the house.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Um, it was a very unhealthy environment to grow up in, but my I never saw my parents be loving to each other.

SPEAKER_00

No, same, same. So let's get into it. What are the five different love languages? Do you want to start?

SPEAKER_02

Well, start with the one that is uh uh oh, words of affirmation, which is saying kind, encouraging things to somebody, complimenting. Um you know, in the beginning of the podcast, I'm called the former emotionally unavailable therapist. This is something I never did in previous relationships. I have I I felt like if I complimented somebody, they you know, now that they they got me, they're gonna leave maybe. Or, you know, it's gonna, it's just not gonna be good. I keep people on edge, which is ridiculous. That was a ridiculous idea I had, but um, you know, it's important. It makes us feel loved, it makes us feel important and feel included.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_02

It's um um that's something I think I've gotten pretty good at for somebody who was not good at that at all.

SPEAKER_00

Very you weren't very good.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, thank you. It's important. I want you to know how much you're loved, I want you to know how attractive you are, or what a great mom. So, whenever, you know, and plus when we use words of affirmation on a selfish level, if you want more behavior from somebody, give them words of affirmation, right? If they're doing something you like, yeah, tell them, hey, I love the way you did that, or that was great. Not just, I mean, sure, if they're cooking food or something, or doing, you know, if a man's fixing something, but I mean, about them, right? If you love that they went out of their way and gave you a massage or made a special night, say so because you're likely to get more of it and makes it makes us feel good.

SPEAKER_00

And you and we teach people how we want to be treated, right? So just like you said, when we express that, that you know, and it's not just it's not just we have to say I love you every day, which feels really good, right? Like I especially love it like during the day. Sometimes you'll send me a little heart emoji, and that's just your way of saying I'm thinking about you.

SPEAKER_02

And and I'm in session, so I'm like, it's a way I can quickly send something to you all.

SPEAKER_00

And it just it just it makes me smile and it just fills me up, and it's just it's it's like so beautiful. I never had that in a relationship before. It's it I think it's just so important, but just like you said, there's so many different ways you can do that as well, right? Just like you said, sure compliment somebody made you a meal at home, you go, Oh my gosh, I love that. This is like incredible. Thank you for doing that for me. Thank you for making the bed, right? Right. It's just I just you look really good in that.

SPEAKER_02

Well, yeah, or it could be, hey, listen, you always look great, but I gotta tell you, you look exceptional or incredibly sexy to make it. That color looks really good on you.

SPEAKER_00

Like there's so many ways that that we can say that, and it really fills us up. And no, pride is really.

SPEAKER_02

Can't wait to have that dress on the floor later. As good as it looks on, can't wait to see it on the floor.

SPEAKER_00

That too. And that might get the woman to be like, oh, really? That's that's interesting. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, yeah. If full flirt during a day or something through text, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yes, the flirting is so important, right? And and again, when it's just I can't, you know, because I tell you this all the time, but it's such a relief to be with somebody like you who are you are so open and you are just the way you speak, it just it flows out of you, and it's not forced and it's not strained, and it's not anything. It's just this natural way that you speak. And for me to receive it, and I hope I do the same to you, yeah, right? It just it feels good to give too. Like I really enjoyed it.

SPEAKER_02

Actually, not as natural as you would think. think. I mean it's become that way, but I had a I'd speak this way. It was intentional. I mean, I had a I changed the way I spoke, you know, go starting as a teacher with behavioral disabilities, you had to definitely learn to speak differently, right? Because it could trigger kids. And then when you when I went back to school to be a therapist, working my master's and then doing therapy, but you know, I intentionally started changing how I would speak in my life. It was interesting. I remember using I statements instead of you statements, right? I feel this way when this happens or whatever, instead of, you know, you're always doing this. And I was in a relationship where uh at the time when I first learned about that, um we fought all the time. And we were together a long time about six years, but we fought all the time. We were fighting a lot. And I changed the way I was doing it because I wasn't using the I statements at school, which was triggering kids. So made it my business to do it all the time. And I would say our fights just by me she had no idea what I was doing. Our fights or our verbal fights probably I would say reduced by 20 or 30% just because I used I statements instead of you statements. And so I saw the power of changing the way I speak and I'm glad that you have found that that to be because I've worked super hard at it. It's natural now but to be fair that's not always been a natural thing.

SPEAKER_00

Well it feels very natural and it's just it's incredible that you're able to work on that and and get to where you are now and I certainly as a former anxious person I wouldn't I would be very selective in my words too because I would always find someone who was avoidant and for an avoidant to hear gosh I love you right for and you you being a former void and you can probably remember that or because they feel suffocated right and for me because that was an anxious attacher I wanted to express it but I knew if I did this person that I have chosen to be with he would just run the other way. So it was like I was like swallowing all these words that I wanted to express because I just I knew it was going to have the opposite effect and that's a horrible way to live.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah to not be able to express how you really feel part of the reason why I was you know I was so avoidant was because of that because when I was younger I was I wasn't naturally avoidant it kind of happened I'm like well every time I do this it doesn't work I got to do different so I do the other way yeah oh that works it kept it got them more interested or they stayed interested in a way but it never deepened no and I came to learn to just like that I guess for a long time and before you know it you're in your 40s still single and you're like I don't want this anymore.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah you know I didn't want it then but it you know really I gotta do something different and so yeah here we are doing it different or at least I am and I think you you definitely manifested that for sure because one of the first conversations we had on the phone was you said I just I don't want to not say how I feel right you I want to be able to be truly honest and I want to be authentic and you have certainly worked on that beautifully with me and I am just I'm so lucky that I'm on the receiving end of all of that.

SPEAKER_02

Oh thanks for sure. Yeah that's all true I I did and I and authentic I'm all about authentic uh you know I'm a person what you see is what you get so I I don't want to alter myself I unless I'm transforming myself that's different but I don't want to put an act on and act that part so no you certain you certainly don't so the second one you just said act right act of service. Acts of service right so really doing helpful or kind things for your partner yes right and just like we talked about in the early example it could be taking out the garbage doing the dishes putting the kids to bed vacuuming the house could be even being just super creative with dates or yeah that's an act of service too right or doing something special buying them buying somebody something special or you know you know drawing a bath and putting you know whatever you guys put in your bath Epsom salt or I don't know much else. Bubbles and Epsom salt yeah yeah yes you know or I remember one time uh one of my friends posted on Facebook it's like how lucky am I her boyfriend drew her bath she was in the bath and when she got out he had somehow heated up her towel I guess in the dryer or something and gave her a warm towel and she felt like a princess you know so like I don't know it's an act of service as well.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah I um know someone whose husband washes a car for her like when he notices that it's dirty he takes he doesn't tell her he takes it and he brings it a car wash he does all the vacuum and brings it home and she's like I have a clean car right that's an act of service too yeah absolutely to to just make life easier making dinner or making something special or yeah just letting someone know excuse me letting someone know how special they are to you. Yeah yeah yeah so that's somebody's love could be somebody's love love language too and then we have physical touch which is yours your love language your primary love language yes which wasn't always um but physical touch is showing love through physical contact so I mean this could be in so many different ways it could be kissing it can be hugging you know any kind of sensual or sexual touch or could just be you ever see couples they just have to they want to be touching right you know or maybe they're they're just their legs are touching or you know um or they have their hand on their leg while they're eating or you know there's also what do they call that uh too much fit what's that PDA or whatever they're where it's like over the top they're all over each other that's little be you know but it's I think that we're like that right where we're always touching but I don't think I don't think in a in a way that anybody would feel uncomfortable but I mean if we're standing near each other we're touching somehow whether it's my arms around you or we're just brushing against each other or um it could be even just running your hand on someone's back could be any number of things it could be snuggling in bed watch my we watch movies like that right yeah we recline on the the uh love seats put on blankets and we just lay together so yeah so that was your primary love language so when I asked you if you would be interested in taking the test and you did I said to you before you started I said I think your primary love language is physical touch and it was and um and that's one of my second that's my second um um love language so I was I was like thrilled because I have never ever been with anybody either who loves physical touch as much as I do. So just the fact of being with someone who loves that too right who loves the affection who and physical touch is not just about sex. It's no it is about all the things that you mentioned right and it is just um in fact it's hard I mean sex is physical but it's really not about that. No anyone could do that right a lot of people have sex but it it's just and like you said you know we don't talk about it. It's not something that is like oh you're gonna hold my hand now it just happens automatically and it just feels good in your body.

SPEAKER_02

And you know one of the things Korean said is tell me we'll never stop kissing. Yes or you said that any in the past kissing was a means to an end to have sex with us there's plenty of times we kiss we don't end up having sex. So um you know so that's what the the whole physical love language is about. Yes sex is sort of part of it but it's it's a very small part of it. It really is about showing someone you love them not just through sex but through touch whether it's a massage hugging them arm around them hand on their leg right holding their hand.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah we hold hands all the time so we do yeah it's amazing and then there is receiving gifts yes receiving gifts right so that could be someone brings you flowers your partner bring you brings you flowers um it could be just small little tokens too and for a lot of people that is just it symbolizes oh my gosh this person really loves me it could be something you make it could be something you make it could be bringing this person a cup of coffee right it could be it could anything small too does not have to be anything big like a big gift right it could be I oh I saw I mean coffee is also in the acts of service but they kind of overlap as well so yeah yeah yeah yeah I saw this it made me think of you so if you out whatever what I think I was trying to say is if you're out right in a coffee shop oh let me pick up I'm thinking at home right let me pick you up a coffee because I know you like this particular coffee for instance right or I was out and I saw this and I know you love this so much so I bought that for you right right and for some people like that just for them that's like oh my gosh this person really cares and this person really loves me because they went out of their way to they could just have bought themselves a coffee but they're like no I want her to have that too.

SPEAKER_02

Right or you want him to have that too you're at the supermarket and you call your partner a pay and anything 100% yeah that's very really thoughtful and I guess that's act of service and gift I don't know but kind of both right yeah um yeah but yeah I mean yeah I was just thinking act of service whenever I see Karina I put on her favorite cologne. I do and uh and she loves it she's not sick of it yet no it's like the most incredible thing. Yeah that is a really good act of service yeah and for anyone who's wondering it's I forget the company but it's called the Goat Man you can Google it's over TikTok and it's actually not expensive to buy it's about $20 a bottle it's amazing and it smells great.

SPEAKER_00

I have I'm not a person that's into perfumes and I remember the first time you came to my house wearing it and I hugged you I was like what oh my God I said you smell so good and you're like that was the reaction I was hoping for and it worked and it's just it's just incredible.

SPEAKER_02

It's an incredible they have a whole line which I've tried most of them actually I just ordered somebody told me they have an ocean fragrance.

SPEAKER_00

I really forgot the name of the company but that's supposedly really great so I had to order a bunch of samples to get it but I ordered samples which has ocean in it so maybe you'll find another one you like maybe I love the ocean I don't know if anyone can anything can beat the goat honestly yeah I don't know I have a client who uh because I told them about it they bought the samples and they're like they love the goat but they also love the ocean so oh good good we'll see we'll see what the ocean is like and then the last one is quality time which is my number one my number one and and again I don't think I've ever been in a relationship with someone who appreciated that too and I think when you took the test that was your second one your first was physical touch and your second was quality time and for me it's reversed quality time is first and physical touch is second but they're very very close the percentage was really close. So quality time is Gary describes it as just giving each other undivided attention and spending meaningful time together and that could be anything we're not talking about hours and hours you constantly have to be together it could be going for a walk right it could just have and you and I always have really good deep meaningful conversations.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah it could be conversations um but I think the important part of this is undivided attention. Yes right so it's not working you know where you're both working or being on your phone or reading necessarily reading books if you're discussing a book yes sure but it's really engaging with each other and and not necessarily just watching TV. It depends how you watch TV I think uh are you discussing it or talking about it um right so because I think a lot of people struggle with this one to understand what it is what it really means it's like we sp I had a I just worked with a couple recently we do spend time but it's not quality time right well what do you what do you I don't know what you want and I remember having this conversation in a previous relationship we spend time what are you talking about and it can be difficult right because that means everything stops the world you kind of and then you're just together but it's very important to do and we we make time in our lives for what's important.

SPEAKER_00

We do right I mean before you met me a guy was not important in your life at all no you didn't think you had room for it and you made room in time and I mean I did the same but um you were more opposed to a relationship than I was I was I was like are you kidding what's the point of this no thank you like it's just yeah and I think and now I really get it because quality time was my primary love language and I never ever got that bucket filled by anybody so even though you know we would be in the same room right the person I was with would would be on their phone for instance completely ignoring me I would be trying to have a conversation I'd be like what like it's like why are you talking right so for so it's not about great what do you mean we always together the kids always around just like you said it's that undivided attention and I feel even when you and I watch a movie right like because the way that we sit right we like you said physical touch is important for both of us so we're always cuddling we're always holding hands you know we're always we're always laying on each other or whatever right so for me and again that could be different for other people for me that's quality time no we're not talking but we're still engaged right we're not sitting on two separate ends of the couch and like ignoring each other like we are connected and we're sharing this moment together.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah and I think quality time could also and correct me if you think um differently but quality time could also be family time. 100% if if the family is engaging together enjoying you know like a lot of a lot of families these days what they they'll they'll there's they'll do no electronics and they'll play a board game or we do a lot of that right something like that. And so that is still quality time with your partner. I mean you still need intimate time to be a couple right whether we're talking about whatever that may be even just conversation that might not be appropriate for kids or sex or whatever we you have but quality time could be with the family as well as long as both parties are getting that bucket filled or whoever you know whose ever love language that is and that's that's a really good point too is having quality time as a family is always important because unfortunately now everyone's life is so insane right of rushing from one sporting event activity to the other and or you're on your phone right you eat in people eat in front of the TV like people are just are just really threading oh that was like a big deal when I was a kid to eat in front of we should put trees you did not eat in front of TV we eat at the table.

SPEAKER_00

Nope and we my daughter and I certainly do that but I remember when she was younger for me that was so important. I'm like nope dinner time is quality time I don't want any no TV on absolutely no phones by the table because I felt like that was like a catch up time like let's I want to know about your day.

SPEAKER_02

Well there are studies that have proven and shown that kids who have family dinners at the table are much less likely to end up on using uh illegal substances or alcohol at an early age they feel more fulfilled more loved um more connected yeah because we're not connecting no in everybody's in their technology and when they're not they're still distracted and we're all so multitasking everything. Oh yeah how was your day and I'm on the phone and I'm getting dinner ready and oh my friend texted me and wow and you know we're just so scattered and you lose connection with that and kids need the connection as much or more than we do.

SPEAKER_00

We do and so for me I just realized really quick when she was younger it was easier but now when she's 11 you know breakfast in the morning she'll eat you know by herself as I'm making lunch because she has to go to school and I'm getting myself together lunch eats of school. So I just understood and we've always I've always done that since she was little is sitting together at night is just so important. And we do something called top three bottom three so we talk about we say every night like what we should top three today. So she will she'll say it and then I'll say it and um and we don't respond. So you know she'll say it's it's not like I'll say oh really why do you feel that way I just let her speak and she does the same with me and it's just something she's always loved and I remember she taught her cousin when her cousin came to visit how to do that. And it's just it's just important and I could tell my daughter's primary love language is quality time as well. No surprise no surprise and uh and so I could tell how that fills her up just like when we play board games right when you're here and the three of us play board games together it's like her favorite thing. Yeah right she gets competitive but her face lights up and we laugh and we all silly and and um it's it's just it's fun. It's fun right and it doesn't cost anything you're at home you make yourself a cup of tea and you and you just sit and um no phones it's just it's just a wonderful way to like connect especially day or on the weekend right it's something that I think all of us really love.

SPEAKER_02

And for kids who try struggle to open up it could be a way to help them open up.

unknown

Yes.

SPEAKER_02

Right if you play or doing a puzzle together especially like a puzzle I hate puzzles but I do too but doing a puzzle it's like you you don't have to strategize like in it like you might in a game where you're just trying to put piece together it could be a great way for parents to start conversations and try to connect with their children you know um get them to open up yeah you know and you want to and in doing so it's not we don't have to always be so direct. It's like hey so tell me about your day or hey you mentioned that your friend Jennifer was having a hard time how did that go? Right? And then they might start and then you could say hey have you ever had a hard time like that with something and all of a sudden we're into this conversation or opening up with you.

SPEAKER_00

And that's why playotherapy for kids are so um successful right because you're not just sitting and staring in each other's eyes there's no eye contact right the kids are engaged with something whether it's drawing or making slime or whatever it is right so having a conversation is a lot easier for them especially when they're younger. Same with going for a walk like when my daughter and I go for a walk we just have the most incredible conversations we you outside you're walking next to each other again you're not staring each other in the eyes and there's something about the air and and feeling your feet on the ground it's just a wonderful way to connect too and for me that's absolutely quality science talk about what you see or how to see yeah and the same for her.

SPEAKER_02

And like if they're playing with a squishy I know kids love these squishies. Yes they do you know that helps kids open up we use those in therapy I mean um so you know as far as knowing your children's love language also is very important. I was just gonna say that I was just gonna say because if they're not receiving the love from you then wow what a just missed opportunities and that child is going to feel alienated or disconnected if we're not able to from you find figure out a way to connect with them and know their love languages.

SPEAKER_00

Because as a parent that's I was just gonna say that and you beat me to it because what I did with my daughter too I I um I told her about the five love languages and what I did on purpose because I knew I had a really strong feeling hers recalling time I said that first because I thought by the time I get to the fifth she's gonna forget she's not going to remember what it is and she listens and she goes no the first one and I said get out of here that's mine too. So I think for a parent out there that it's very easy to do right you can sit down with your kids you can go over the five long love languages give a little description as to what they are and say what feels good to you if you had to pick one or two what would you pick we could even use an example hey what do you like better?

SPEAKER_02

Do you like it when I compliment you better or you like why I give you a hug better.

SPEAKER_01

That's great.

SPEAKER_02

Right? And you can kind of okay do you like it when I do things you know like when whatever I mean kids expect acts of service a lot of times so that's a tough one.

SPEAKER_01

That's all we do.

SPEAKER_02

Right? I mean they need us to provide acts of service I know you know looking back I took That so for granted, my mom was always able and available, and I took it for granted. I I know it did.

SPEAKER_00

You know, so it's expected of us for sure. But as a parent, you might be surprised, right? And I love what you said, just give examples so they sort of understand it. But wouldn't that be incredible? Just like in a romantic relationship, if we understood what fills our kids up, that it's not just because you were an Uber driver and you drive them to their 17 activities every single day.

SPEAKER_02

But if you were Uber, you get paid for that.

SPEAKER_00

Which we don't as a mother. But what if your child's love language is quality time? And that's the one thing you're not doing because you are so busy running around in circles with all the things that you're doing. But now you have that information and you're like, gosh, so let's let's make this a nightly routine.

SPEAKER_02

Let's say whether you can your drive together could be that.

SPEAKER_00

That could definitely be that right.

SPEAKER_02

I mean, think about all the stuff you could talk about, games you could play, right? That's why kids like to play when they're young. I spy. Yes, they don't forget that stuff, that stuff sticks with them. Yeah, remember we used to do that, you know, and then all of a sudden they're doing it with their kids, yeah, right? Because it meant so much to them. Or having rides and being silly and singing together in the cars. We love that.

SPEAKER_00

We crank up the music and we sing with our wonderful voices, and right, and and I think what's interesting too is you know, parents talk a lot about how important it is to read for their children when they're younger. That's certainly quality time. Sure. But you crawl into bed, there's nothing better. Remember, like she was freshly showered and smelled so good, and her hair was wet, and I would curl into bed with her, and she would lie on my chest. And every night I read to her when she was in my belly. I love to read, and and thankfully she loves that too. Um, but even now they're older, right? If you have teens, tweens like I do, she might be like, Don't I don't need you to read out loud to me. Right, but you could suggest you could curl into bed. I often do that with her still. Like, I'll read my book, she'll read her book. We love to do that together, too.

SPEAKER_02

And you guys do sleepovers too.

SPEAKER_00

We do, and we yeah, that's quality time too, absolutely. Once a week, um, my daughter implemented that for that we have a sleepover, so she brings her stuff downstairs in my bed, and that's definitely quality time. She looks so forward to it, and she brings her little suitcase with all this stuff, and I'm like, Are you moving in? You're staying one night, but it's something we both look forward to, yeah. So, so I just I so highly suggest that not just what you partner, but find out what it what is your child's love language. Yeah, I think that's gonna change so much if you can fill up your persons, your people in your life, yeah, buckets.

SPEAKER_02

For sure. You know, and even even their friends, right? I mean, not that they're our priority, but we want their friends to because you know, some parents like you don't know what their friends are. No, I think you do. You want to know who they're hanging out with. Oh, 100%. A, it gives you insight into who they are, even more so. And B, you want to make sure that the kids you're hanging out with are of solid character and and they're not gonna be getting your, you know, I mean, kids are gonna get in trouble sometimes. They push boundaries, they test. But you got a kid who's pushing every boundary. I don't want that kid hanging out with no, you know. Well, I was gonna say my kid, I don't have any kids if I had a kid, but with Corey even, I wouldn't want that.

SPEAKER_00

100%. And I always say that I love that my house is the house that she likes to bring her friends to, and and I know who her friends are, and it is that's just so important. But I like that you said that too.

SPEAKER_02

And I have had this conversation about love languages with my friends, like my inner circle friends, knowing your friends, they're your kids' friends, because then they're gonna feel super comfortable, yeah. And also your friends feel very important, right? 100% interrupted you, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00

But learning, learning what your close friends, your inner circle, like we had a whole conversation about friendships, a whole podcast about friendships. Right. What are your inner circles love language? Like, do you know that? Like, I know because I've asked my close friends, and they are all different. And so, and I think what's important to note too is that you really always want to fill up every single bucket, right? The five different buckets. So we'll repeat that again. Words of affirmation, active service, physical touch, receiving gifts, and quality time. I think it's important that we deposit into every little of those buckets, right? But really focus on what is the primary now. And you can do that with people in your life that are just super important to you. Like you'll see your friendships completely blossom and flourish, right? Like I have a friend who just she gets so happy when I bring her, if I bake something or bring her um just something I know that she loves, right? So she's like, oh my God, you did that for me. Like that's her love language, right? The act of service. I made something, I picked something up for her, and she feels truly loved. For me, I so appreciate it too, for sure, but that's not my love language. But me knowing that that's hers, I love to fill up that bucket for her because I know she just has a smile on her face, and it could be the littlest things, but she loves it. So I highly recommend that too.

SPEAKER_02

Absolutely. I think it's uh, you know, love languages don't just apply to our intimate partner, it could be with your parents, even with your parents, and watch your your relationship, you know, blossom with your parents as well. Um, whether you're an adult connecting with your parents and or even a child learning to connect with their parents. I mean, I think children are pretty perceptive in doing that, but sometimes we as adults we lose track of that.

SPEAKER_00

And I think we assume certain things too.

SPEAKER_02

And again, as our parents get older, their love languages, as we said, they may shift as well. I I saw that with probably my mom, where it probably shifted. And um, you know, so having that understanding, right? If you're feeling disconnected, why is that? Yeah, there's a disconnect in an intimate relationship with a friend, child, parent, other family, you're probably missing on their love language.

SPEAKER_00

You miss on our love language, yeah. So have some fun with this. Like I said, you can Google right the five long love languages free quiz, and a million of them will pop up and um and just present that test right to anybody in your life and be like, hey, do you want to do this little fun game with me, just like I did with you? And the information I think is just so valuable and it just creates deeper connection.

SPEAKER_02

I mean you get Dr. Chapman's book at any bookstore, Amazon online.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it's a great book. And like I said, he he he's done a beautiful job prescending um real life cases that he has with different couples, and I could definitely identify myself in a lot of the stories, um, how he was explaining it, and also how their relationship was able to change once they learned what the different love languages are.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_00

So keep talking, just keep talking. And if you guys love this episode, please give us a five-star rating and a review. And if you don't want to miss an episode, please click follow and you'll find that little button on the upper right side, just three little dots, click on that and hit follow. And we drop a new episode every Monday morning at 6 a.m. Eastern.

SPEAKER_02

Eastern. Yep.

SPEAKER_00

And this would just help us so much because it just the podcast gets shown to more people.

SPEAKER_02

Absolutely. And if there's anything that we haven't done that there's some interest in, please. Uh, we're always looking for new ideas. We are so please make sure to put that in the comments or if anyone has any kind of comment or critique, we're always open to that as well.

SPEAKER_00

And we would love to know what it what is your love language. Let us know. Let us know.

SPEAKER_02

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00

Thank you for listening.

SPEAKER_02

Bye bye.

SPEAKER_00

Bye.