Green Flags In Relationships | Crave To Connect | Ep12

Crave To Connect is a candid, honest, and sometimes hilarious conversation about the messy realities of relationships.Hosted by Karina Paxton, a certified clinical EFT practitioner, and a trauma informed coach, and...

Michael Calderon, a licensed clinical social worker (LSCW) and a licensed clinical alcohol and drug counselor (LCADC) specializing in mental health, addiction, and relationship dynamics

The goal is simple: Real conversations about real life and real real relationships.

With their unique backgrounds in trauma recovery, therapy, and emotional healing, Karina and Michael bring two different perspectives to topics like toxic relationships, healing, personal growth, and understanding human behavior. 

Expect relaxed conversations, unexpected insights, and the occasional awkward moment, because that’s what real conversations look like.

Pull up a chair, get comfortable, and join the conversation.

To get in touch:

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Website:

https://linktr.ee/liveyourlife.coach

Book a Call:

https://calendly.com/liveyourlife-coach/30-minute-discovery-call-helena-guest

Michael Calderon:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/michael-calderon-hackettstown-nj/1044394

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Crave to Connect with your host Karina, the recovering men hater, and Mike, the former emotionally unavailable therapist. Sit back, get comfortable, and relax. Our whole vibe with this podcast is to casually dive into all the messy, hilarious, and sometimes confusing parts of relationships. Whether it's with yourself, all the humans, no pressure, just good chats, and maybe some awkward moments. Today we are going to talk about green flax.

SPEAKER_03 0:37

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 0:38

Green flax in relationships, which was really something I did not know anything about until fairly recently.

SPEAKER_01 0:47

So um I like to think of it as like green lights, like uh to go with my metaphor I've said in earlier podcasts where if you come to a red light, you kind of need to look both ways before proceeding. When it's a green light, you just get to keep driving. You can go right through. There's no hiccups, no need to slow down.

SPEAKER_00 1:07

No, but for most of us, um red flags were something I can I can identify a mile away. I can talk about them until the sun goes down. But green flax was like, yeah, we both can. But green flax is like, huh, that's that's I don't even know what that's. It's still it still blows my mind to this day.

SPEAKER_01 1:28

A lot of people focus on the negative um and the red flags or the red lights and what to avoid, or but you know, it's just as important to understand the good things, the positive things as they show up, especially when they come up naturally in a relationship.

SPEAKER_05 1:44

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:45

Helps us to realize what we have and and that it's something worth pursuing.

SPEAKER_00 1:50

So and something that we want more of in our lives, right? So if you out there are listening and who, like both of us did, always found ourselves in dysfunctional, chaotic relationships, which were which we were in because that felt familiar to us and to our nervous system. Um it was just part of our everyday, right? There was red flags everywhere, but just like you said, or stop signs, we would just barge right through them. And um we didn't even know that there was a different way. Like when I heard the word green flags, I was like, I don't it sounds better than red, but I don't know what that means, right?

SPEAKER_03 2:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:28

So really the psychology behind green flags uh is secure attachment.

SPEAKER_01 2:35

Yeah, uh John Bowlby and um what was Ainsworth first?

SPEAKER_00 2:40

Mary Ainsworth.

SPEAKER_01 2:41

Mary Ainsworth. Um, they came up with the theory uh that basically is the foundation of relationships, depending on how you you were able to attach with your caregiver. And it's based on the caregiver's attention paid to the the infant child as well as the temperament of the infant child.

SPEAKER_00 3:00

Yeah, yeah. If um so people with secure attachments often had caregivers, right, who were consistent. I did not have that, who was responsive and emotionally available. So if you grow up with someone in your family, it doesn't have to even have to be a parent, right, but your primary caregiver who could give can give you that, you grow up feeling secure within yourself because you learned from that caregiver, right, that when you needed something, this caregiver was there. When you were upset, this caregiver was there. You had a secure life, right? Not perfect, but you had a life where you felt like you could go to an adult's.

SPEAKER_01 3:41

Ideally, you want to have two caregivers that way. Um, and those are usually the healthiest people that have two caregivers that are exactly the way described. Um, it's very important often in development to have at least one because having one then balances out the negative of the other as well as provides what we would call a solid object in therapy, somebody that can be relied upon, somebody who is consistent, as you said, always emotionally available to them. And it helps them and their brain to develop in a more normal and and um uh you know, I don't like the word normal, but in more normal way, in a way in which they can securely attach with other people.

SPEAKER_00 4:26

Yeah. And I always tell my clients that, right? Because I think when when we are ending a marriage or relationship and there's kids involved, so many people have ideas about divorce, how bad they are, and they say, Oh, a child should have two parents. Ideally, that would be great. But studies have shown, right, you really just need one healthy adult, not a perfect mother or perfect father, but an adult who continuously works on themselves, who can show up for this one child. Because staying in a household where you have two adults just because there's a you know, there's two parents in this household does not mean that that is a good secure home with two unhealthy people that just can't get along. So that's just so important.

SPEAKER_01 5:13

It's a protective factor for sure. Obviously, the more healthy people around a child, the better off and healthier for the child. But when there's two unhealthy parents, that often ends up in very negative results in the way that child's brought up and how their behavior is impacted and the way they feel about themselves is impacting the future.

SPEAKER_00 5:33

And this is important to remember that it really starts from early childhood, your attachment style, and that carries you into your adulthood, right? So, so this says here green flags in relationships aren't random, they are rooted in something psychologists call secure attachment. So that's what we just talked about, right? So you don't just have a green flag in a relationship, it's something that you really work on. And we are going to share a lot of info about that that we found online about what green flags really are and how to recognize them for yourself.

SPEAKER_01 6:05

Yes, and most of what we found is rooted in um oh, what's her name? Excuse me.

SPEAKER_00 6:11

Her name is Kayleigh.

SPEAKER_01 6:14

Kayleigh Crane. Kayleigh Crane, she's an LMFT. Uh so with the research we did to enhance what we know about this subject, we're gonna primarily use uh research from her. She did an outstanding job outlining um various green flags, categorizing them as well as the what the opposite is or what the red flag would be in comparison.

SPEAKER_00 6:38

So yeah, so we thought this might be interesting to go over green flags and then what red flags would look like in the same scenario, right?

SPEAKER_01 6:46

Focusing on the positive mostly, though.

SPEAKER_00 6:48

Yeah, right. So what Kayla is saying is um green flags aren't bonus features, it's not like, oh my gosh, there's so many green flags. She says they are the baseline of what you deserve. Like everyone deserves green flax in a relationship. And you know, what we're gonna talk about is gonna show you too. We're not talking about perfect relationship where there's never anything that comes up, but green flags are just they're not bonuses. It's like you do deserve to be in a relationship where there are more green flags.

SPEAKER_01 7:20

We're gonna go over like I think about 20 of them, and and nobody's gonna have all of them. No, or even if they but they may be stronger in others, and that's the idea. But the baseline is these green flags. Now, that doesn't mean if there's 20 that the baseline is they hit all 20.

SPEAKER_04 7:37

No.

SPEAKER_01 7:37

Um, but excuse me, they you know, they should be hitting a lot of them. Um, and also in evaluating the relationship, and as we go through the red flags, you'll be able to tell the difference in how healthy your relationship is. Also, one thing that Kaylee talked about was um there's difference between a red flag and then somebody who isn't meeting the green flags but who is working very hard to get there. And that there's still hope and health in that kind of a person as long as they continue working towards those things. And it's something to keep in mind as we go through this because a lot of people are they may not be, they may my husband's not doing any of you know hitting many of these green flags. Is your husband making the effort to?

SPEAKER_00 8:27

Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:28

And if so, that's different than he doesn't care enough to do it.

SPEAKER_00 8:32

Sure. It takes two people, right, in a relationship to cultivate these green flags, right? And to keep them green. It takes two people.

SPEAKER_02 8:41

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 8:42

100%, right? So let's just talk about what is a green flag in a relationship. A green flag is a positive sign that indicates emotional health, secure attachment, and relationship readiness. Green flags are not about being perfect, they're about patterns of behavior that shows that someone is capable of being a good partner. I just love that so much. It's a pattern of behaviors that shows someone is capable of being a good partner, right? That this person is willing to show up, right, and do the best they can.

SPEAKER_02 9:16

Yep, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 9:18

Right. So, should we talk about green flax versus bare minimum?

SPEAKER_03 9:24

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 9:24

I think that's really interesting. I um on Instagram, I keep coming across these reels where wives, right, and mothers are going, oh my gosh, so my husband did this for me today. And and then they'll say, This is the bare minimum, right? Like, yeah, he should be doing that, right? So, so we're gonna talk about green flak versus bare minimum. So green flak would be they celebrate your success and they brag about you to others, and the bare minimum is they don't openly criticize you.

SPEAKER_02 9:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:55

So it's not something they don't open, that's the bare minimum, like just don't openly criticize me.

SPEAKER_01 10:01

Right, maybe not show any support, but they're they appear neutral or they just appear disinterested, even right, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 10:10

They encourage your independence and friendships. That's a green flag. Bare minimum is they don't forbid you from seeing friends.

SPEAKER_01 10:19

Right. But they may try and make you feel guilty about it, or again, if they show ambivalence about it. Um it's important to support all aspects of a person's life.

SPEAKER_00 10:34

Right. Or they might give you some sort of attitude and be like, oh my, really, you're gonna go out with your friend tonight?

SPEAKER_01 10:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:40

Right? You just did that last week. They don't for they don't say you can't see them, but they will give you some sort of attitude, right?

SPEAKER_03 10:45

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 10:46

A green flag is also they apologize sincerely and change behavior. And that's really important, right? That's like their action matches their words.

SPEAKER_03 10:56

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 10:57

You don't want just people to say they're sorry, but does their behavior really change? The bare minimum is they will say sorry when confronted.

SPEAKER_01 11:07

Right. Which feels like it's empty.

SPEAKER_00 11:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:11

Um, and then are they sorry they uh caught if it's something of that nature? Are they sorry that I'm upset, or are they truly sorry about what it was that was upsetting the other person?

SPEAKER_00 11:22

Yeah, anyone could say sorry.

SPEAKER_01 11:23

There's a lot of ambiguity in in the minimums.

SPEAKER_00 11:26

Yeah. A green flak is that they initiate quality time and they plan dates. A bare minimum would be they show up when you make plans.

SPEAKER_01 11:37

And unfortunately, I think a lot of men fall into that one, to be honest with you. Um and I think sometimes it's it's uh it happens over time, and maybe unintended or maybe it is or lazy, but um I find a lot of women talking about how they always have to make all the plans. And the guy's like, well, I'm willing to do whatever she wants.

SPEAKER_00 11:59

Right, whatever you want to do.

SPEAKER_01 12:01

Right?

SPEAKER_00 12:01

That's right. I tell her whatever you want to do, and then I just show up, right? But my God, we want again, it's it's another person that is doing this with you, right? We want another person to show up and um and be actively involved.

SPEAKER_01 12:17

Right. Right, showing that you're interested, you care, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 12:21

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 12:24

So maybe let's go into the opposite, right, of green flax and red flax.

SPEAKER_01 12:30

Okay, so uh the first one we're gonna talk about is um expressing needs clearly and doing it without blame, right? Instead of saying you never, it's this is how I feel, this is what I need or would like. Um, healthy partners don't expect you to read their minds. Uh they tell you what they uh what they need directly and kindly and without making you feel like you failed them. So I think that's important, right? Nobody wants to feel like they're failing their partner, and we want to remember that we're on the same team, right? If we're in involved in an intimate loving relationship, then I think it's important to assume that your partner's not intentionally doing things to hurt you or to gain some kind of leverage on you, or to get something that they want at your expense. Right? So that's that's important in the way we express it.

SPEAKER_00 13:30

Yeah, absolutely. So the opposite, the red flag would be that this person will expect you just to know or give you the silent treatment, right? Or expressing the need through criticism, saying, you never, you never do this, or you never say that, or you never. So that's that's a red flag, right? And then we have they can disagree without being disagreeable, the green flag, yeah. Right? That's a green flag. So you can agree, you can disagree without g without agreeing, right? I think that's so important is that you can say, I don't really feel that way, but you respect that this other person feels something different.

SPEAKER_01 14:13

Right, someone's allowed to have an opposite opinion or a different opinion of yours.

SPEAKER_00 14:17

So green flag, green flag partners, they understand that conflict is normal and it does not have to be destructive, right? That you can really hold different opinions without making the other person feel wrong, stupid, or attacked.

SPEAKER_01 14:33

And then um the opposite flag, which is the red, would be yelling, name-calling, contempt, needing to win every argument. So somebody who's like a right fighter, somebody who wants to always win, always has to be right.

SPEAKER_05 14:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:47

Um, and oftentimes feels that in order to get there that they need to name call or attack somebody personally, the their partner. Um that's always always going to dismantle relationships in the end.

SPEAKER_00 15:04

100%.

SPEAKER_01 15:05

So another green flag is um so the fourth one is that uh they apologize genuinely and they actually work towards changing their behavior. So basically, in the the apology is backed by behavior change, uh backed by action. They're actually taking action. So if I'm sorry for being so late, I am now making every effort to not, in my case, be as late because I'm late a lot.

SPEAKER_00 15:33

Be as late. Right.

SPEAKER_01 15:34

So be less late.

SPEAKER_00 15:36

Be less late, right, right. But also the apology is backed by action, right? So you're not just saying, Oh, I'm sorry, but you're actually doing something about it. So the opposite, the red flag would be that there would be no apologies. And the person might say, Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but this person never changed, right? Or they turn the apology into your fault, like this is your fault, I act this way. This is your fault that this always happens.

SPEAKER_01 16:02

Right.

SPEAKER_00 16:02

Without taking any accountability for themselves, right?

SPEAKER_01 16:06

And accountability is very, very important with green flags.

SPEAKER_05 16:10

Very important.

SPEAKER_01 16:10

We're always needing to be accountable for our own behavior, yeah. And our feelings for that matter, because sometimes we may have feelings based on past trauma that isn't actually based in what's occurring currently within the relationship.

SPEAKER_05 16:24

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:26

Um, so the other one uh is regulate uh being able to regulate your own emotions. Um and so this is being uh for a green flag is you can expect that your partner will be able to regulate themselves when when there's conflict or in talking with you, whatever they're experiencing, um, and that there's a way to express feelings of being upset or disappointed without an explosion, without name calling or any kind of verbal abuse. Um, and they can feel anxious without just continuously spiraling downward. Um, they take responsibility for their own emotional regulation.

SPEAKER_00 17:06

Yeah. Right. And I like to call that like to sit with it, right? That's what I tell my women that I work with is because all the women, really all of them that come to me have had very challenging childhoods. And for them to feel securely attached is something that we are we are working towards, right? That's a goal. But I always say to them, it's to sit with it. So when they feel an emotion, right, that boils up in their bodies, you always have a couple of seconds before the explosion happens. So for a lot of women that have never been able to express anything they felt starting in childhood, right? They had to be quiet, they couldn't say anything, or the the household was loud, their voice was never heard. These women, myself included, learn to just bottle it up, bottle it up. And eventually you can't. It's like the lid on the boiling pot, right, pops off and then the explosion comes out. But that is so it's damaging and it's destructive, right? It's damaging to yourself and your nervous system because the way you feel during and after, it's horrible, right? Your cortisol levels are completely through the roof, you're so dysregulated, and you could never ever hear another person when you were yelling like that. Nothing good ever comes out of it.

SPEAKER_01 18:26

And part of regulating the emotions is where you also not only do you sit with it, but then being able to address it calmly.

SPEAKER_05 18:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:36

Right, if you're feeling that way. Um, and that can be uh, and doing it within a timely manner, where the other individual doesn't feel like they're being blown off, or that you're just gonna kind of push it aside and sweep it under the rug or whatever. Um, that's also important. So when you're ready to address it, that you actually not only do you regulate your emotions enough to kind of sit with it, analyze it, but then to actually bring it up to the to your partner in a calm way and respectful way.

SPEAKER_00 19:07

In a very respectful way, very important. So the opposite, the red flag of that would be explosive anger, right? Being really just emotional, violatal, and and you walking on eggshells, right? Or expecting you to fix their feelings, right? You being responsible for again how they felt, right?

SPEAKER_01 19:30

Which is never true.

SPEAKER_00 19:31

No, which is never true.

SPEAKER_01 19:32

It's always we're all responsible for how we feel.

SPEAKER_00 19:35

Correct.

SPEAKER_01 19:36

We're all responsible for how how we react to how we feel.

SPEAKER_00 19:39

A hundred percent.

SPEAKER_01 19:40

Nobody can impose any of that on us, truthfully.

SPEAKER_00 19:44

No, that does that does not work. So number six is they show empathy for your feelings. So when you are feeling upset, a green flak partner tries to understand your experiences before jumping in to try to solve it or defense themselves or dismiss you. They validate your feelings, even if they don't truly understand exactly how you feel. Like, because I always say all of our feelings are valid because they're your feelings. They're all important.

SPEAKER_01 20:13

Right. And they literally try to imagine what it's like to be in the same position. They they try to, right? So there's gonna be things like maybe Karina's going through, but I can imagine, even if not well, right? Because if we're gonna talk about something like um what it's like to have a menstrual cycle, I can imagine, but I don't know. Nor will I ever know. You would not know. And so another female would be able to empathize at a much uh that level of empathy would be much more accurate, probably, than mine, but I can do my best to imagine what that would be like.

SPEAKER_04 20:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:51

And so I think when we talk about empathy, that's what we're talking about. Okay, so um red flag to that is basically when someone comes to you with this, you're telling them that they're overreacting, you minimize their feelings, making them feel small or or that like a child, and that their emotions are an inconvenience to you.

SPEAKER_05 21:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:15

And that's not something we ever want to do with somebody that we care for or love. Um, and often happens, right? We often we can be in a bad mood, dismiss someone, but these are not good things. When they happen consistently, it is certainly something to take into consideration.

SPEAKER_00 21:31

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 21:32

So uh another green flag would be they're comfortable with vulnerability. Something that was not always me. No, that's why I'm the formerly um emotionally unavailable therapist, not currently.

SPEAKER_00 21:48

For not currently, you're very good with that.

SPEAKER_01 21:50

So emotional health means being able to share fears, insecurities, and tender feelings without hiding behind. Humor, deflection, or walls. So it's feeling safe enough and and honestly confident enough in yourself, but also in the relationship itself.

SPEAKER_05 22:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:11

Um, because if there's no confidence in a relationship, if you don't feel that your partner is going to respect your vulnerability, it becomes all the harder to do so, even if not that comes naturally to you, you kind of learn not to.

SPEAKER_00 22:24

Yeah, you learn you learn just to shut that down, right? And when you are with a green flag partner, I really like that word. That's funny, green flag partner. Like you feel secure and safe enough to really let them see you. Right? To see you exactly who you are. Right? On your good and you bad days and your awkward days, it doesn't matter because this is all you, right? And if you're with someone who understands that, like you, you just you let them see you for who you are. You don't try to hide, you don't try to pretend, like it's just this is who I am, right? So the opposite, the red flag would be just like you said, being emotionally unavailable, refusing to open up, or really punishing you for their vulnerability, right? Like, really? God, how do you feel this way? What is wrong with it? Like they're almost like they're resentful. Yeah, it's like this resentful feeling that I just I can't believe you have another emotion. I can't believe you have another feeling. I can't believe we have to talk about this again.

SPEAKER_02 23:29

Right.

SPEAKER_01 23:30

Yep. Yeah, terrible, terrible. Okay, so um, green flag, they're happy for your success. They celebrate your wins, they celebrate your gains, they celebrate your achievements genuinely, without jealousy, non-competitively, or without needing to one-up you. And your success doesn't threaten their own success or their own self-worth. Instead, they are elated and thrilled for you.

SPEAKER_05 24:02

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:04

Um, oftentimes, again, in a you know, I I have found it's not all men, certainly, and not always just men, but oftentimes uh with men being traditionally the breadwinners or whatever, when a when their wife is out doing it, for some men they have a very, very hard time accepting that their wife is making more money or has more prestige than they do. Um, and sometimes we'll knock it down or minimize what they're doing, or we'll try and even um kind of try to discourage them from being successful, which you know, is kind of crazy in me, but I get it. It's just it's I get it to a point. Um, you know, and I think that goes back to our traditional female uh male roles. Um, but definitely destructive to relationships.

SPEAKER_00 24:58

Yeah, for sure. And a red flag would that be, like you said, minimizing your success, changing the subject, pretending that this is not really important at all, competing, right? This other person's constantly like, well, I did that, that's better than what you're doing. Right? And um or just finding really reasons why your news isn't that great. Like, really you're excited about that. I don't know why you would be.

SPEAKER_02 25:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:28

So just not being supportive. Not being supportive.

SPEAKER_02 25:32

Yeah, definitely.

SPEAKER_00 25:33

Yeah, that's a horrible feeling.

SPEAKER_02 25:35

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 25:36

That's a horrible feeling.

SPEAKER_02 25:37

So what's the next green flag?

SPEAKER_00 25:40

The next one is their words and action matches. That is very that's always been very important to me. And I did not have that prior to meeting you. So a green flag partner doesn't just tell you who they are, they show you. Right? When they promise something, they keep it. And if they can't, they'll explain to you why they can't, but they don't just pretend that it didn't happen, right? Right. And commitments are really honored, and you really can believe what this person says because it is cons it consistently matches with what they do. So it's so that's I think for me, that's one of the most important things is that your words and actions match.

SPEAKER_01 26:19

Which is really authenticity.

SPEAKER_00 26:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:21

Um, and you know, just to point out as we're going through it and we're reading through it with you, um, if you notice there is a very strong connection with green flags between actions and stated things stated or whatever we're talking about, but actually the follow-through. Uh right. So more than just words, it's actually following through with whatever those words are. And then the red flag for this one would be um broken promises, um, flakier inconsistent behavior, saying one thing and doing another. Um could even be changing things constantly up. There's just no real consistency.

SPEAKER_04 27:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:03

Um, right, because sometimes people will kind of almost change the rules to match their behavior. And you're like, well, wait a minute, and they'll kind of gaslight you and make you think you're crazy that no, it was always like this. So that also plays into the uh words matching the actions.

SPEAKER_05 27:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:20

Um, and then uh next green flag would be they're transparent about their life. So we can all imagine what that looks like, right? Someone who's not, someone living two lives. Um, so these people are open about their past, their finances, their friendships, and their daily life. Um, and it's not because it's demanded, but because they honestly, uh honesty is their default. So that, you know, whatever it is, this is what it is, and they're they're straightforward about it. Um, they're not, you know, it's so many times there's things that are off limits for people and in a relationship, and they kind of very subtly might set that up in the beginning, and then before you realize it, you don't really know this person. But anyway, I hope I didn't take away from the red flag there.

SPEAKER_00 28:16

No, but also what I want to add to that too is that you're not your past is not really who you are, right? What happened to you in your past is what happened in your past, and I certainly have had a hard time with that one. Is if I really let this person know what I've been through in my past, the decisions I made, the choices I made, like what would they what would they think, right? How would they judge me? But it's it's being open about that. And a green flag partner would be like, Well, that's your past, and they would accept you for that. So I think that that one is just super important too.

SPEAKER_02 28:50

And we learn from our past.

SPEAKER_00 28:51

We do, hopefully. Hopefully, hopefully we learn from our past and we don't keep doing it, right? So the opposite, the red flag would be to be really secretive, to have hidden relationships, right? We hear a lot about that. People are dating multiple partners and maybe even married to several people or whatever, right?

SPEAKER_01 29:08

But also getting angry when you ask normal questions about their past or yeah, and that that's that's something to pay attention to.

SPEAKER_00 29:17

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 29:18

Oftentimes somebody will become deregulated when you've asked something like that. Um, and they're if their reaction is not consistent or congruent with the question, that that's a red flag in itself.

SPEAKER_05 29:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:30

Uh whether we're talking about this thing or any this this kind of thing or any other subject matter. Um, when somebody gets super defensive super fast for not much of an apparent reason, it's something that really needs to be looked forward more into to find out what's that.

SPEAKER_00 29:47

That's a little sign right there.

SPEAKER_01 29:48

Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 29:49

Another green flag is they trust you too. So trust goes both ways, right? So a green flag partner doesn't constantly need reinsurance, right? It does, and this person doesn't constantly check up on you obsessively and don't assume the worst about your interactions, right?

SPEAKER_01 30:10

So red flag for that would be like someone who accuses you of cheating, um, accuses you of being there, there was always suspicion. Um they're always looking into everything that you're you're talking about. What does that mean? Right? They make a lot of assumptions without having any kind of clear facts or asking questions. They may check your phone, um, they want to know where you are, they may want to track you all the time on your phone or otherwise. Yeah um uh they're accusing you of things and they don't have again no evidence, right? Um, so it's just when you know another one would be like on uh you hear men in particular, why are you wearing that? That you're you never wear a skirt. Why are you wearing a skirt all of a sudden? Who are you going to see? Right, right? That kind of thing. So that is not trusting. Um, and those those are red flags. And again, you may get that compliance right in the beginning because they're trying to please you, the other person, and and this relationship, but those are things to pay very close attention to because that kind of thing, the lack of trust often leads to abuse of behavior, whether we're talking about emotional, yeah, physical, or sexual, or all three. Those can be, they're not always, but often key indicators at the minimum emotional abuse in the future.

SPEAKER_00 31:37

Yeah. And I think the key here too is to pay attention to these flax in the beginning of your relationship. Absolutely. Because what we're talking about is probably when you've been together for a while, married or whatever, living together, that the green flags are just again, they're not just bonus flax. It's just like it's it's the it's a the normalcy of what your relationship should entail.

SPEAKER_03 32:01

Right.

SPEAKER_00 32:02

Right. But when we pretend, which I have done a million times over, pretend that those red flags are not a big deal and we don't even know what green flags mean. Right. We just we just keep escalating and building on top of this nightmare of a relationship. And it makes it so much harder to get out of a relationship when so much time has passed.

SPEAKER_01 32:25

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 32:26

Because you have just it is just normalized. It's your relationship has just been normalized.

SPEAKER_01 32:30

What we tend to do is when these things are happening, we make excuses or give ourselves reasons, which means that we don't maintain a boundary that's necessary. Yes. And once we start not maintaining that boundary, now again, it what you permit, you promote, yeah, and it just starts to snowball and become worse and worse, and it becomes harder. And the longer it goes on, the harder it is to maintain that boundary, and the more the behavior becomes um um, what's the word I'm trying to think of? But the the ingrained, that's not the word I want, but more ingrained in this relationship, which becomes all the harder to put boundaries and then for it to change.

SPEAKER_00 33:10

Yeah. That makes yeah, makes it really hard to change. Yeah. Another green flag is they're consistent over time. So green flag partners are the same person on a date, on the first date and on, you know, the 1700 date, right? Their mood, the way they treat you, their behavior is the same. It doesn't go up and down. They're not hot and cold. It's like you know what to expect.

SPEAKER_01 33:41

And and a good way to indicate that is like, you know, when you're looking back at past relationships, the infatuation stage, which lasts usually about three, maybe four months, at the you know, at the ma more towards the maximum. I don't know, there's no exact number. And then seeing what's the behavior like once you get beyond that threshold. And I can tell you in some so many of my relationships that once I got beyond that threshold, the behavior changed drastically and for the worse. So what seemed to be great and just awesome, and it's like, wow, I could really see myself with this person all of a sudden. Sorry to subtly change once we were through to the infatuation stage. Yeah. Sometimes before that, but usually during the infatuation, it's all wonderful unicorns, rainbows. Yeah, you left two minutes ago, and I miss you already. I can't believe how much I miss you, and all those things, which are all awesome feelings and natural to have in that stage, but it tends to cause us to run red lights or these red flags a little later in the relationship, yeah, and not realize that these things that looked like green lights or green flags really weren't. It was, and now we should be paying more attention, but we then want to make excuses because we want to get back what we had. Yeah, because it felt so good in the infatuation.

SPEAKER_00 34:59

It felt so good, right?

SPEAKER_01 35:00

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 35:01

So the opposite, the red flag would be the hot and cold behavior. It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It's um it's all of a sudden, right? They're being perfectly behaved in the beginning, and then all of a sudden, later on, there's a whole different side of this person.

SPEAKER_01 35:19

The rules also the the you know, there tends to be changing of the rules, so to speak, right? Yeah, you think you know exactly what this person wants, how to meet their needs, and then the rules change, and you're like, wait a minute, and then they oftentimes, if someone's doing that, which is abusive behavior, they'll gaslight you with it, and you start to think you're crazy, and what's wrong with me? How did I miss this or not pick up on that?

SPEAKER_03 35:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:43

So those are the red lights, and again, going back to the green light or the green flag, it's the consistency from the beginning to the end.

SPEAKER_05 35:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:51

Right. Okay, so the next green light or green flag or green light would be they encourage your independence, which is a big one because in order to encourage independence, there has to be confidence in oneself and the relationship. So often when a partner doesn't and we're sabotage independence, it's because they don't have the confidence enough that you'll want to stay with them.

SPEAKER_05 36:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:19

And so um the green flag is that they want you to have friends, hobbies, interests, goals, a life outside of them as well as with them. And they understand that uh two whole people make a better couple than two halves trying to complete each other and make a whole that way. Um, so understanding that and having enough security that there is a life outside. If you go out with your girlfriends, I I shouldn't be threatened by that. I should be encouraging it.

unknown 36:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:51

Right? Whether your girlfriends are single or not single, it doesn't matter because you're with me and committed to me. So there's nothing to fear.

SPEAKER_00 36:59

That's a major green flag that both partners can have their own and maintains their own individual life, right? You have your life, I have mine, and then we come together once in a while. So we don't, we are not enmeshed, which is what a toxic relationship start out as, right? It's like you can't like you just you can't get enough. It's like you you abandon your entire life, right? Right, for this other person.

SPEAKER_01 37:24

Very unhealthy to do.

SPEAKER_00 37:25

Yeah, that, like you said, seems amazing in the beginning because oh my gosh, you can't you can't get enough, but it's not healthy and it's not sustainable. No, and as soon as that mass drops, which it will fairly quickly if that's all you have, because again, you don't have a foundation, it is it is a mess. And to lose yourself, and that was certainly my biggest fear, was to lose myself again in a relationship because that was very good at giving myself over in my past relationships, and that is very hard to come back for from very hard.

SPEAKER_01 37:56

Right. But you did a good job not doing that.

SPEAKER_00 37:59

Thank you very much. You're welcome. Yeah, yeah, it's important. It's important.

SPEAKER_01 38:04

So the red flag to that would be uh jealousy of your partner's time with others, uh, wanting all the attention all the time, uh, making you feel guilty for having outside relationships. So again, this is this is abusive in nature. What we're talking about is the red flag is they're isolating you. And it's really important to be aware of that early in a relationship because if somebody is looking to isolate you, it if you're paying attention, you'll start to see crumbs or evidence of this from the beginning. Like, oh, do you really have to go out with your girlfriend tonight? I I really wanted to just be the two of us, and it sounds so romantic. And then if this continues, and before you know it, you haven't seen your friends in months, and then it's like, oh, do we really have to go to your mother's? I I really just want to have a nice quiet romantic dinner at home. And before you know it, there's an isolation that's happening. And the most productive tool for an abuser is isolation. Yeah, they need to isolate victims, so yeah, uh, when that's occurring, it this is a very big indicator of the possibility of future abuse. Sure. And it's just things you want to look at.

SPEAKER_00 39:20

It does not mean that this is love. And I think for a lot of young people, especially, right, it's that he just cares so much about me, he loves me so much, right? That he wants to be with me all the time, right? But that is not healthy, and that is not to be very clear.

SPEAKER_01 39:35

Jealousy is an unhealthy emotion, even a little jealousy is unhealthy. Yeah, that's not healthy. Yeah, there shouldn't be jealousy. Um, there could be a desire to want to be there too, or there could be a kind of wishing you were there. That's not the same, or pushing you were with that person. That's not the same as jealousy. Jealousy is unhealthy. That's when you have this negative emotion about what they're doing, yeah, and it makes you feel inferior or or less important or whatever it may be. That's really unhealthy to have. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:11

So that was, I think we just went over those red flags, right? So the next green flax is they support your goals and your dreams. So a green flak partner doesn't just tolerate tolerate that you have ambitions, that you want stuff in life, that you have goals and visions, right? They really support them. Like you're very good at doing that with me for sure.

SPEAKER_03 40:35

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 40:36

And they they'll ask about it, right? How is it going? What are you gonna do next? What are you thinking? How are you feeling? And brainstorm right ideas, right? You and I certainly do that too. And it's like you are on the same team. Like you said, you are in each other's corner.

SPEAKER_01 40:51

Yep, and again, a red flag, which also is something that kind of lends towards abuse, is um dismissing the goals is unimportant, and what you you know, what your dreams are are irrelevant, competing with your success and sabotaging any efforts that you're making. Yeah. Um, and all three of those things that we just, or four things I mentioned, are all abusive types of behaviors.

SPEAKER_00 41:18

And controlling, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:20

So uh the next green flag would be they're committed to their own growth. This is a big one.

SPEAKER_00 41:26

It's all important.

SPEAKER_01 41:29

Um so healthy partners don't think that they've arrived, so to speak, they're aware of their own areas that they need to improve on, and they work at improving them. Um, and they diligently work at that, and it's something that is very observable.

SPEAKER_05 41:46

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:47

They don't need to tell you that they're doing it. You can see in their behavior that they're doing it.

SPEAKER_00 41:52

Yeah, so something like, right, they read whether it's self-help books or just books to get to understand themselves more, right? Go to therapy, as we know, therapy is amazing. They ask for feedback and they just try to become better.

SPEAKER_01 42:07

Right, or even in this relationship. Alternate to talk therapy or things like what you do, EFT, which is emotional freedom technique, or Reiki. There are many different uh ways that you can help yourself, even just by exercise or yoga or anything that really helps you to regulate yourself better, we're talking about here.

SPEAKER_00 42:29

And it's a never-ending journey, right? Like your growth, you're never gonna stop growing because you are going to change, right? You're going to change your mind, you're gonna want different things. And so we're never done. It's not linear. And that's so important to understand, right? When people say, Oh, yeah, I did all this work, and then it stops, they're not doing anything. You have to constantly continue doing that, and that's an inside job. You are the only one that can do work on yourself.

SPEAKER_01 42:56

Lifelong learner. We all want to be, we all should be lifelong learners, wanting to learn and get better and do things.

SPEAKER_00 43:03

And be curious about ourselves, right? That's what I always say to my clients, is it's just like it's like little layers that we're peeling back. It's like, what's under there? Oh, that's how I feel. That's so interesting, and that's why I react the way that I do. And this is why I don't like that. It's just figuring all these little pieces without judgment. That's without judgment, exactly. That's a curiosity. Without judgment about ourselves and say, I can't believe I still feel this way. Like this is so, it's not anything. It is just this is just part of me, and that's so interesting that I feel this way. Right? Knowledge is like knowledge is power, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 43:36

Um, so the opposite would be believing they're uh perfect, refusing to acknowledge areas for growth, getting defensive at any suggestion that they can improve. So we're on into people like this. People like this tend to have fragile egos.

SPEAKER_05 43:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:51

Um, oftentimes it's masking that insecurity that they have, right? But if somebody comes off like they think they're perfect. Um what's that about? Oftentimes it's their ego is so fragile that they can't acknowledge that they've done something wrong because that would be so devastating because they don't they don't feel good about themselves to begin with.

SPEAKER_05 44:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:14

Um so um so they will act as if they're perfect, you're wrong, they take no accountability. And one thing with all of these uh flags we've been talking about, one of the we talked about action, but also accountability is being accountable for yourself and not laying blame for on others for your shortcomings or areas where you're unsatisfied.

SPEAKER_00 44:41

Yeah, because it's your responsibility, right? Your actions and reactions, that's your responsibility. No one can make you do or say anything. And you know, if I have definitely heard that before in my life. If someone says to you, this is just who I am, this is just who I am, like that's a you you gotta run. This is like a billboard of a red flag.

SPEAKER_01 45:04

I think it was in a movie or something, but the other one, and I had it, I had a partner say this to me once. If you can't take me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best.

SPEAKER_05 45:13

Oh wow, really? Wow, interesting.

SPEAKER_01 45:17

Um and I have to tell you, if someone ever said that to me again, I'd say, Well, thank you for the warning and uh have a great life. I think I'll pass.

SPEAKER_00 45:27

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 45:28

Um that's that's just not taking any accountability either.

SPEAKER_00 45:33

No, yeah, no, no, no. Another green flag is they handle stress without taking it out on you. Because life life gets really hard, right? And a green plaque partner does not take it out on you when they are stressed, when they're overwhelmed, when they have a bad day. They can experience what it is that they're experiencing and say it out loud to you without making it your fault, or without you being the target for whatever they're going through, right?

SPEAKER_02 46:06

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 46:09

And the red flag to that would be um obviously taking out any frustration or anger on the other person, blaming, um, expecting them to be to be fixing all the stress or becoming mean because life is hard, so lashing out. I mean, look, we all at times take things out on the people we care most about. One of the reasons that occurs is because they are the safest. You know, it's often you hear people you treat strangers better than you treat me. Well, one of the reasons why people tend to be taking things out, hopefully not uh consistently, is because those people are the safest in their lives.

SPEAKER_05 46:50

Yes. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 46:52

And so that's what tends to happen. However, when it happens over and over again, it's a problem because we're all going to do that from time to time. Um, but it's not something that we should be consistently doing. And then when we do, again, the most important thing is that we acknowledge it that we're accountable for it, and that we apologize and we follow it with action.

SPEAKER_00 47:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 47:15

Yeah. And take accountability, right?

SPEAKER_01 47:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 47:18

Take accountability for sure. And then the next one is they prioritize quality time together, which is my love language.

unknown 47:28

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 47:28

So I am so glad that that's your second love language. And we do, we prioritize quality time together. And I think that goes back to what we said before is that it takes it takes two people that are interested in cultivating the green flax and keeping them green in a relationship.

SPEAKER_01 47:44

And also, I think it's important. Um, one of the things that has been coming up in some of my couple sessions is there's a different idea between the two what quality time looks like.

SPEAKER_05 47:54

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:55

So defining that, what is quality time? Usually most people would define quality time is well, it's just us, right? But then I've had people where it's like, well, we sit on the couch, we don't interact, and we watch shows, and then my partner says that's quality time. And I'm thinking, well, Karina and I do that, but we do, we interact, and even if we're just watching, we're laying on each other, or we're holding hands, or you know, we're it's it's I I can understand, I can picture two people on a couch kind of on the opposite ends. Yeah, that's not really quality time, but it it's often the focus is on the cut on each other, is what most people would say would be quality time, and that could be anything.

SPEAKER_05 48:38

Yeah.

unknown 48:39

Right?

SPEAKER_01 48:39

You could be playing a board game, you could be, you know, at the movies, it could be, but again, you're observing, that's why TV maybe not, but depending on how you do it. So I think it's it's important for couples to to be on the same page as to what quality time means.

SPEAKER_00 48:55

That's a really good point to talk about what that means. Yeah. So the opposite, the red flag would be this person is always too busy for you, or really distracted when you're together on their phone, right? Like can't even look up, they're constantly on their phone. I hear that stuff a lot. And making you feel like like you're an option instead of a choice, right? You're not rather than a choice, like you're not, oh, I choose to spend time with you. It's just like whatever, nothing better to do today, so I'm just gonna hang out with you.

SPEAKER_01 49:23

I think that's like I think that's so powerful that it's you never should a person should never feel like an option instead of a choice when they're in a in a uh loving relationship. Yeah, yeah, and it's important that we work towards helping our partners to make sure our partners feel loved and not that they're an option. That's why I oftentimes will say to my couples in session, I want you to do one thing to make the other person's life better today. It doesn't matter how small it is or how big it is, but something that will enhance their life. You know, it's one way to get them towards doing things like that and showing the person isn't an option.

SPEAKER_05 50:08

Yeah, yeah. So that's beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 50:11

Yep. Um, so uh the next green flag would be that they respect your boundaries. We've talked about this one a lot. This is boundaries are something that's always coming up in therapy. With couples, we did a whole uh podcast on that. So this is about well, what are boundaries when someone says no, you accept it. Um when there's a limit expressed or put down that you accept it. Now, if you have an issue with it, there can be a discussion and then there might be compromise. That's still part of boundaries. Um, just because, like you say, no, we're not doing this, it's like, but why would you know? But we might come up with a compromise. We may not do it tonight, but whatever I wanted to do, maybe we'll do it next week.

SPEAKER_03 50:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 51:00

Um they don't push, they don't try and instill guilt in you or negotiate the boundaries away. Again, negotiating boundaries away is different than compromise. Negotiating boundaries away is a way to manipulate to get what you want, despite the fact that the other person doesn't. When we compromise, we're both not getting exactly what we want, but we're both satisfied with what we get. It's not optimal, but it is, it's good. You like meat in the middle, exactly. You meet in the middle, and we respect one another's autonomy.

SPEAKER_00 51:34

Yeah. So the opposite, just like you said, pushing past boundaries or making the other person feel bad for saying that, right? Really? That's really what you want, or that's what you need, that makes no sense. And that's right, making the other person feel like, oh, maybe I shouldn't do that.

SPEAKER_01 51:48

God, you're so needy.

SPEAKER_00 51:49

Yeah. Guilt tribbing you for saying no to something, right? And um, and just treating what it is that you want as negotiable. It's just like, nope, really? Well, can't you do that? So if you do this for me, then I'm gonna do that for you, right? Like you're negotiating something, right?

SPEAKER_01 52:06

That's that's almost that's like, yeah, that's not the way to do it.

SPEAKER_00 52:10

No, that's not the way to do it.

SPEAKER_01 52:11

So the next one is that they fight fair. This is a big one. Um, because we all have conflict in our relationships, it's something we all deal with. But how do you have a disagreement or fight in a way where you're not destroying or or eroding your current relationship, you're not undermining or disrespecting your partner, but yet you can still get across what you're feeling that you're having this conflict and you're on opposite sides. Um, the Gottmans, they have a book called Fight Right, and they actually have come up with a formula, a mathematical formula. For every one disrespectful or harmful thing said in a fight, there needs to be five things that are done in a kind way when you're fighting to balance it out. Otherwise, once you fall into that other imbalance, there's the the percentage of this relationship failing becomes much greater. But they found that it was five to one through research. Five to one.

SPEAKER_00 53:12

Wow, yeah, that's beautiful. That's beautiful. So the opposite would be the red flag would be name calling. And when you have a fight, right, you bring out past mistakes as emmunition used again. Well, this is what you said, and this is what you did constantly over and over again. Stonewalling or just fighting to win. I'm sure you hear that all the time, right? There's always to be right. Both both people they want to be right and they want to win instead of understanding, like that's how you feel. You feel that way, right?

SPEAKER_01 53:45

Having some curiosity. Yeah, there is no winning.

SPEAKER_00 53:48

There is no winning, nobody ever wins.

SPEAKER_01 53:50

Not in this kind of fight, no.

SPEAKER_00 53:52

No, no, because again, your feelings are yours, and mine are my feelings, right?

SPEAKER_01 53:57

If I feel like I win, then that means it came at your expense. Yeah. And you lost, which means we lost.

SPEAKER_00 54:03

And I think what you keep saying all the time is we're on the same team. And and I remember that, gosh, it never felt that way, right? Maybe the first couple of months felt like we were on the same team, and then afterwards, it wasn't. It was like me against this person.

SPEAKER_01 54:18

Oh, yeah, not me. We're still on the same team.

SPEAKER_00 54:20

Yeah, we're still on the same team. And I I appreciate and just keeping that in mind is that you don't fight your opponents, right? You're on the same team, you know, same basketball team. You pass the ball to each other, right? You need each other in order to win.

SPEAKER_01 54:32

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 54:33

It is very hard for one person to win a game by themselves, and that's where you are in a relationship, hopefully.

SPEAKER_01 54:38

In a team sport, it's impossible.

SPEAKER_00 54:40

Yeah. But that's where you are in a relationship, right? You should be on the same team.

SPEAKER_01 54:43

Well, this is a team sport.

SPEAKER_00 54:44

It's a team sport. That's so true. It takes two people to be a team. 100%. 100%.

SPEAKER_01 54:49

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 54:50

So now the last one that we have.

SPEAKER_01 54:53

Choose they choose you daily. So this is the they say the biggest green flag consistently choose you, not just once at the beginning, but consistently.

SPEAKER_05 55:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 55:04

Um, no matter what. Boring, tumultuous, whatever it is, they constantly choose you. Their commitment's not passive, they are constantly active and they are constantly showing that the other person how important that they are and that they're loved and wanted, that they're not an option that they're a choice.

SPEAKER_00 55:25

And you, I think, and you say that so well, right? You deposit into this joint account that you have together, right? It's uh it's an emotional bank account. Yes, an emotional bank account. So you both deposit and you both withdraw. Sometimes one person has to deposit a little bit more than the other, withdraw a little bit more, right? It can't always be 50-50, but generally, on average, you want it to be that way, right? So it's a choice. You wake up every day, no matter how long you've been together. Like, are you choosing this other person, right? Are you reaching out or showing this other person that they're important to you? That's a choice that you get to make. That's a choice.

SPEAKER_02 56:04

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 56:05

That is a choice. So the opposite would be take it for granted. You and I have definitely experienced that, and stop making effort once the relationship is locked in. And that was my biggest fear, right? I have shared with you many times is that once that infatuation stage was over, it was that was it. It was just gonna all go downhill because now you knew you had me. So it was like I don't have to make an effort anymore. And that has certainly not been my experience in this relationship, but that's what it's always been in the past.

SPEAKER_01 56:38

Yeah, and even taking for granted, you know, that's um that's a big one. And we have to work not to do that. Yeah, it can be very easy if we're not constantly working on the relationship, working on ourselves, making deposits and our deposits in our person's in our partner's uh emotional bank account, then it becomes that we'd start to take this for them for granted, the relationship for granted, and then the relationship will start to die gradually, little pieces of it.

SPEAKER_00 57:08

And it's and it's snowballs, right? None of this happens overnight. So it's little in the beginning, little microscopic things that you might say, that's not a big deal. I'm not gonna bring this up because I'm not want this to be into turn into a crazy fight. I'm just gonna pretend this is not a big deal. But all those little things build up, right? The pile just gets higher and higher and higher. And it is a lot harder to repair to have a healthy conversation once that happens.

SPEAKER_03 57:37

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 57:38

It really is. Absolutely, it really is. So before we end this episode, we thought this was just really good information to have green flax to look for at each relationship stage because it changes for sure, right? So in the early dating, when you first meet, like the infatuation start, right? From when you first meet to about three months in, what's so important to watch for is the word, does this person's words match their actions?

SPEAKER_02 58:10

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 58:10

Do they respect boundaries? Are they consistent in the way they communicate? And are they rude to anybody? Are they rude when you're out in restaurants? Are they rude to co-workers, family members, anybody over the phone? Does the relationship move at a comfortable pace that it's not rushed? They're not trying to hook you and get you in, right?

SPEAKER_01 58:36

Love bombing.

SPEAKER_00 58:37

Yeah. And is there transparency? Like, does this feel like this person, yeah, what I see is what I get?

SPEAKER_01 58:45

Yeah. When you were talking about the um consistency in their behavior and how they treat people that are rude, you're I can't remember, but it reminded me of a friend's episode where I believe it was Phoebe was dating um Ben Stiller. And and uh Ben Stiller had this anger issue when he was around Phoebe, and the friends started to see it, and and uh she didn't she didn't uh she didn't um um see it until I guess he was next door and he was getting something, and uh Joey and Chandler had these little chicks and they pooped on something or something. He started yelling at him and berating these little chicks in this gate in this tank. And I think Phoebe walked in on it, and then that was the end of them. But they were their friends were like, Yeah, he seems, and she goes, What are you talking about? Like she didn't see any of them.

SPEAKER_00 59:43

She couldn't see it, she still had a conversation. Right.

SPEAKER_01 59:45

So, but yeah, and that goes to what you were talking, kind of a funny example if anyone remembers friends.

SPEAKER_00 59:50

Yeah. So then we get to they called this the power struggle stage, which sometimes starts around one to three years, right? What's most important is that you still fight fair, these are green really green flags still. You take responsibility for whatever it is, whatever your part is, and you really apologize like you mean it. You regulate your emotions, you repair after conflict, and you're willing to work on issues. Right? Those couple of years right after, it's like, oh my gosh, what do we do now? The infatuation stage is over, and it's like now maybe you have more fights. You're starting to see each other in a different way. So, how do you do that? So that's what's to look out for.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:31

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:32

And then lastly, they call that. So this is three plush years, stability and beyond is what's most important is this person continues to choose you, supports your growth.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:46

This is where a lot of times the taking for granted happens most often.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:50

The not putting the effort in, right? Kind of almost going through the motions because we're together so long. But this is it's still important, again, for the other person to feel like they're the chosen they've been chosen.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:03

This is where you know, we're all people, we all want to feel good. We all still want to hear that you're attracted to us, that we look hot, that you love how we do something or how we've handled something, um, and not take things for granted, not assume, oh, well, they know I think they're good looking. I don't have to say it, or they they know I appreciate that. No, we need to say these things, it's so important. It brings out the health in the relationship, it causes the other person in the relationship to want to reciprocate those things. This is what healthy balance looks like.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:40

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:42

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:43

I think this was so good because often people focus on all the red flags.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:47

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:47

And I think it was really helpful to see the difference between what does a green flag versus a red flag looks like?

SPEAKER_01 1:01:55

And I think one of some simple ways also to go about this as we're wrapping up about focusing on the green flags and are you received? How do I feel when I'm with the person?

SPEAKER_05 1:02:05

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:05

Do I feel uplifted? Do I feel and often infatuation we do, but you know, after infatuation, do I still feel this way? Do I feel respected? Do I feel like this individual is enhancing my life? Right? Because you shouldn't need somebody if you have to have somebody, they should be an enhancement to your life. Yeah. Right. So they should they should add to it. You should be okay, we should all be okay by ourselves. But having somebody, you know, like I don't need you, Karina, but my life is so much more enhanced with you in it. And I don't want to go back to not having the enhancement that you bring. But if God forbid that were to happen, I'll be okay.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:47

And I imagine you would too.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:48

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:49

Um, and it's like, is this individual enhancing my life, bringing better to my life? And these are kind of some simple questions that we can ask ourselves if we're meet if we're does this person have if we don't remember all the green flags or what you can ask those simple questions, it should help to answer. Do I feel respected? Do I feel like my opinion counts?

SPEAKER_00 1:03:14

Do I feel good about myself when I'm around this person?

SPEAKER_01 1:03:17

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:18

How do I feel in my body?

SPEAKER_01 1:03:21

Yes, that's something you always talk about.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:23

That's what I always talk about, right? Do I feel calm in my body or do I feel always anxious with these butterflies in the stomach thinking that that means it's exciting, but it's really not? Those that's anxiety. Do I feel that way in my body around this person? Those all little just flacks.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:41

Do I feel comfortable in my own skin? Do I feel the ability to be vulnerable?

SPEAKER_00 1:03:45

Do I feel like I have to change myself around this person? Right? Do I have to look a certain way or wear a certain outfit because yeah, I can't be myself around this person, right? It's just so important. And again, if we recognize that early on in the relationship, before we start getting attached, before we get emotions involved, we are just so much, we can just move on so much quicker.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:10

And easier.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:11

And easier in life because life is too short.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:14

Or we can realize that this is a person that really deserves more of my attention and my uh intention. And this could be a person that I want as my my life partner if they're hitting those flags. The green ones, that is.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:32

The green flags. So and I have to say, learning all of this, you and I definitely share that in our relationship.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:38

I agree.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:39

And that is the first time I've ever been able to say that out loud.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:42

Myself too. And I realize it's not even it's almost 10 months, but it's been so strong, and we have worked so hard at these things that for me I'm very grateful for it because I have had all of those red flags in various relationships and it and remember what it felt like. So I just uh I choose you every day and I look forward to that. And um I look and again, I'm not I I know it's gonna take work on both of our ends to maintain that. And I look forward to us continuing to work towards that because it's something we both want.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:18

Something we both want, and it's something that we're choosing to do. Absolutely, and it's a choice, and like you said, we just keep enhancing each other's lives, which is it's like a dessert, it's like a really incredible yummy dessert that we get to have every day. Without the calories, without gaining weight, isn't that perfect?

SPEAKER_01 1:05:37

It's great, and I wish that for all of you.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:40

Yes, I do too. I do too. Green flax are just they're fun, and they might be what some people say it's a little boring in the beginning, right? Because it's not the butterflies, it's the slow burn, it's stability, it's stability and it's it's safety, and that is something most of us have never experienced before. So go out. Find your green flax and and keep talking.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:03

Yes, keep talking.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:04

Thank you for listening.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:05

Bye-bye.