Becoming someone people actually like talking to

Conversations can feel complicated but when you understand what people are actually looking for, they become a lot simpler than you think. In this episode, we break down exactly how to become a person who is comfortable and confident in any interaction, and who people genuinely love talking to. Whether that leads to a better friendship, a stronger network, or just more moments that leave you feeling good  it all starts here. No matter if you're an introvert, extrovert, or somewhere in between, this one is for you.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

You ever been in a conversation where you felt a little bit happier, a little bit more optimistic, excited to get to everything you talked about? We all know what that feels like, and I'm sure we also know what it feels like to be done with a conversation and feel drained. You don't feel a lot of energy, you kind of just want to go home and lay down. Why do those things happen? Why do some conversations make you feel great and some don't? A lot of us will chalk it up to being an introvert versus extrovert, but regardless of those things, we've all experienced conversations that give us life and energy, and some that just drain us. There's a specific reason why those things happen, and by the end of this episode, you'll understand why, and you'll understand how to be a person that people love talking to. This is medium well. Well, we're doing okay, but we know we got more work to do. I'm Dejahan. Let's do it.

SPEAKER_00 0:44

Wait, what do you say? Medium red or medium well, medium wear.

SPEAKER_01 0:48

Now, first I want to talk about introvert versus extrovert. A lot of people say introvert, uh, they use that word kind of wrong. Introvert just means you recharge by being by yourself. Not necessarily that you don't like socializing or that you don't like people. It's like if you think of a phone, a phone is meant to be out in the world, it's mobile, it's meant to be doing games and calls and texts all day, but eventually it has to come home and get on the charger and be put on the charger. Now, that doesn't mean that the phone is meant to always be on the charger, that just means that's how it recharges. Similar to our introvert, it doesn't mean that you're not supposed to be out talking to people. Also, a lot of people think that when they're uncomfortable with uh social interactions or talking to people, it's because that's just the way they are. And data shows that's probably not the case. What you're describing would be what's called asocial, which is when a person genuinely doesn't like or is uninterested in social interaction. Only about one to three percent of people are actually asocial, while up to 50% of the population experiences some form of social anxiety, and most discomfort that most of us feel comes from some sort of social anxiety, fear of rejection, fear of being judged, fear of a lot of just uncomfortable situations. Now, it's important for me to say this because it allows us to understand what's changeable and what's not. If we just think to ourselves we're asocial and we just don't like people or conversations, we'll think that's something we can't improve on. Today we're not gonna talk about social anxiety or necessarily how to get over that. That's something that your therapist can talk to you about. And I might talk about that in another episode. But today we're strictly talking about how to be better at conversation and understand why you feel great after conversations and how we can make other people feel great after conversations. Now, when we talk about these conversations that make you feel energized and some that don't, I'm not necessarily even talking about what physically recharges you, but I'm talking about the emotions you feel, whether you feel happy, whether you feel special, whether you feel heard after a conversation versus not. Now, the first thing I want people to understand is that a great conversation is what I call an energy exchange. There's energy being given and received by both parties. In a bad conversation, there's either a one-sided energy given or there's no energy being given by either person. Now, when you're in a conversation, you're sharing thoughts, ideas, interests, things you're excited about, things you're thinking about. And a lot of those things that can be vulnerable, they are filled with a lot of our hopes and dreams. So the way people react and the way we react to them kind of determines how we feel about those things after the conversation, or at least how we think that person we're talking to feels about those things. A good example of a positive energy exchange is if someone comes up to you and says, Oh, I love your outfit, and you say, Thank you so much. I love your hair. It looks good on you. Where do you get it done? And they say, Oh, I'll get it done from XYZ. Now you start that conversation off with a good energy exchange. A person has given you a compliment and you've given one back. There's mutual respect, there's mutual admiration, and there's mutual um feeling of this person is open to me, this person has positive feelings towards me, and I can in return open up to them and continue to listen to them because I'll get the same back. A one-sided exchange could be, oh, I love your outfit, and you say thanks. Where'd you get it? Oh, I get it from this the shopper on the street. Oh, what you're I think you have great style. What got you into that? Oh, well, growing up, I always love style. Is it be really into fashion? Blah blah blah. Okay, in that situation, one person's giving energy and the other person's not giving any validation, compliments back, not getting not even giving them appreciation really for what they've said to them. So that's very one-sided. After that, the person giving energy will feel like they were just talking to a vampire that was taking all their energy and giving nothing back. Now they're drained, and the other person might feel good, but there was no energy exchange there. And obviously, the worst situation is you know, maybe you're a co-worker and you're forced to talk to someone because you're on a trip and you're showing zero interest in them, they're showing zero interest in you. You're kind of having a conversation that has no compliments, no curiosity, no authentic votes of support for what they're doing. It's just kind of two people saying words at each other. So at the end of the day, all interactions are some form of energy exchange. A conversation that has been good energy leaves you feeling optimistic about your goals. It me leaves you feeling empowered, like you can actually do these things because a person has seen you, heard you, validated what you've done. So at the end of the day, it's not about whether your social battery was drained or not, it's about how the actual words and the feelings felt for each party while they're in the conversation. So now that brings me to how you can become magnetic and a person that people actually love talking to. We kind of already touched on it, but let's get more specific on some ways that you can be a person that people just genuinely love having conversations with. Now I kind of see uh energy giving as kind of four tools, and we touched on them earlier: compliments, curiosity, validation, and what I like to call speaking life into people. Obviously, compliments are very self-explanatory. I often compliment people's outfits as those are good compliments in my opinion because that's something they uh intentionally thought out. It's an ex self-expression for them. So you're validating their taste, you're validating something they did and something they enjoy, and it really opens you up to a lot of different avenues in a conversation. Obviously, if you know something about them, you can say, I love your work, I love your content, I really like how you've gone after something, whatever it is. You can say something genuine that you actually like about them that they've done, whatever it is. Curiosity is obviously also self-explanatory is asking questions. You know, if they've started a business, ask them, you know, what gave you an idea for that, or how does it feel to work in that industry, or how'd it feel to get this big project? Really just anything that you are talking about, having genuine curiosity, asking questions that you would like to know to hear what their thoughts and perspectives are basic on what they're doing or something they've seen in the world. It really makes a person feel like you value what they're saying and the way they think, and it makes them feel seen and heard. Then we have validation, which is a very strong tool that I think we all can really work on. I even work on it myself. If someone says, you know what, it's been really hard out here, that the industry's been slow, I haven't got a lot of clients. You could say something like, Yeah, I can see how the economy these days can make it hard for, you know, an entrepreneur like you. I'm sure that's been tough. How are you working through that? That's a little validation curiosity combo right there. But validation is very powerful. It makes them feel seen, it makes them feel heard, and it makes them feel like you're in it with them. Now, I used to think that validation meant you agreed with what they're saying. And validation probably could be its own topic, but that's not always the case. It's not basically saying I agree with what you're feeling is, but you're basically saying, I agree or I see where you're coming from. And I validate that that is a real reality for you. I validate that that I can see how that could happen. You know, if a person that's from Alaska comes and visits you and it's 70 degrees and they say it's too hot to go outside, you don't have to agree that it's too hot, but you can say I can see where you're coming from, it must be hot. It's not saying that I agree with the way you feel, but I but it's saying I can understand where you're coming from. And then my personal favorite, that's what I call speaking life into people. It's basically like if someone says, I would I want to be a carpenter at my own carpentry business, you say something like I can definitely see that for you based on our conversation and the passion you have for it. I think that's definitely gonna happen for you, and I'm excited to see it what it does. It's it's basically speaking success into people. And I think that's huge. That's something that's big for me, and that's big for a lot of people, and it's not something uh you find every day, but it's something that's really big because it makes people feel empowered, it makes people feel like I can do this, and it makes people feel like they have a community behind them and someone that will support them. Now, obviously, this is not saying based on, you know, if something crazy happens and it doesn't happen, whatever, I know everything that's gonna happen. But it's basically saying I believe in you and I'm I'm here to support you. Or when someone um is working towards something, you've seen progress, say, I'm proud of what you've been doing, and I can't wait for you to get to your next goal and your next level. Basically, just being in people's corner. It doesn't even have to be your best friend or someone you're gonna ever see again, but basically just giving good energy out to people allows them to feel like, man, I like this person. This person makes me feel powerful, this person makes me feel valuable, this person makes me feel like I can be who I want to be. And that is one of the best things that you can be, in my opinion. I love giving energy to people because I know how valuable it is for me. I knew what it was like to not have that, and I knew what it was like to start to feel that when I did. So speaking life and success into people is one of the best ways to give energy. Also, I want to know that all of these things should also be authentic. It's not to make anything up, but if you try hard enough and if you're intentional, you should be able to come up with some authentic compliments, questions, validation, and speaking life into people. It doesn't have to be the biggest thing ever, but just think of something that's authentic and real that comes to you, and that's good enough. Now, sometimes it's hard to do these things, like if you're in a loud room or you're at a party and you can't hear people. I want to reiterate that this is about energy exchange and not even necessarily hearing every word that someone says. For instance, if I'm talking to someone, we're at an event an event and I can't hear everything they say, but maybe I they're a photographer and they say, I really want to get into fashion photography because I don't even hear the rest. Because I understand it's about being a listening ear and giving energy, like in that scenario, I might say, Yeah, the fashion industry is really cool. I love some of the campaigns I've been seeing. What's interesting about it to you? I don't even know what they said in most of that convert most of that statement they said, but I understand I can look at my four tools curiosity, validation, speaking life into someone. Um, and I can figure out something to say for that. I could also say, Oh, your work is really good. I know that's gonna happen for you. I know when you put in the work, it's gonna happen for you. Or uh validation, like I said, yeah, that will be super cool, man. I can understand why from your background in photography, I can understand why you why you want to go down that route. That's gonna be that's a really cool industry to be in. Validation, curiosity, speaking life into people. Question, why do you want to do that? Easy stuff. I mean, once we understand these tools, it's easy to do. Um, but like I said, you don't have to hear every word, it's just about giving good energy. So if you're in a loud place and you feel like you're you're missing things, don't worry about that. Pick up what you can and use that and use your tools to uh figure it out. Now, another really important thing I want to say is that you cannot control the other person. This will not guarantee that that other person is gonna give you good energy back, right? This is not about making people become the best uh conversationalists with you. There's gonna be some people that struggle themselves, but we're not talking about how to make other people make you feel great. At the end of the day, when you use these tools, you will have better conversations with more people. That doesn't mean every conversation is gonna leave you feeling fulfilled, but at least you know you're doing your part to have better conversations and more community building. And another thing I want to say is don't go into a conversation waiting to see if this person is worth giving good energy to. Thinking, is this a good person? Are they gonna give it to me back? Or is this a safe space for me? Are they gonna judge me? Are they gonna think I'm weak? There's gonna be some self-centered people, there's gonna be some mean-spirited people, but we're not here to ration off our good energy, assuming who deserves it and who doesn't. Because number one, I've had conversations where a person was a little bit cold and standoffish at the beginning. But as I started to give good energy, they opened up. I've actually had some great friends that kind of start off that way. I'm not gonna name names, but they weren't given great energy until I did because they might be thinking, is this person worth it? That's not right to do, but we can't control them. So we can't block our own blessings of great community building because we're trying to assume who is and who isn't worth it, who is or who isn't gonna appreciate it. It's not about them, it's about us and being better for ourselves and creating more opportunities for us to find more connections. We're gonna find infinitely more connections, giving good energy in all our conversations than we are trying to figure out and pick and choose where we should put good energy and where we shouldn't. And think about it this way: you want to be a person that if you met, you would be proud of and would like that person. If we're trying to decide who to give good energy to or not, we're gonna show up to other people as a person that is self-centered or a person that's cold, a person that's not very enjoyable to interact with. So be the person that you would want to meet. Don't be a person that to some people you're good energy, and to some people you're not. And not to say you're gonna be in the best mood all the time, but just be a person that's open and willing to give good energy because you know that's the type of person you would want to meet, and you know that's the best opportunity for you to build a community. Because at the end of the day, this is all about building a better community. Great community is built on great relationships, with which is built on great interactions and great conversations. So through these better conversations and through these better interactions, you'll have a stronger community of people that support you, people that root for you, people that just want to see you win, people that talk positively about you. And at the end of the day, it's better for you because you feel the love and everyone around you feels the love. Be authentic, be confident in who you are, and be willing to be the first one to give good energy. This is how you become magnetic and become a person that people actually love talking to. With that, I'm Dejahn. This is Medium Well. Please go ahead and subscribe. I'll have a video up here for you to watch if you're on YouTube. If you're listening on a podcast network, please go ahead and hit the subscribe or follow. I don't know what that button is right at this moment. I'm dropping episodes every Monday. I'm sticking to it. Medium Mondays. I appreciate everyone that's listened so far. It's been a cool journey to start this. I'll see you next Monday. I'm Dejahn. You have a great day.