You only see what you're looking for (and thats the problem)

We think we see our lives accurately, but unfortunately our brains can only process a fraction of what's around us and ignores most of it. That means we may be missing the very details that could change everything. Today we'll explore how to stop missing the opportunities we actually need to see  why your brain filters out what you're not looking for, how that's quietly costing you, and how to reset your focus so the right things finally start coming into view.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

A few years ago, I was at a marketing agency and I realized it was time for me to leave. So I started looking at a bunch of different jobs, sending a bunch of applications. Most of these just weren't working out. And I was feeling like, man, I don't know what to do. Now I had one application that went pretty well. I went to the end of the interview process and they loved the ideas I had, but they actually weren't ready to hire. And they asked me what it would look like to work together in a different capacity than employer, but more as a client. And I realized at that point I've always been better at getting clients than I was at getting jobs. I actually don't like working jobs. I don't like having a boss. I'm better as a service provider. That helped me change my mindset. And I started putting more energy into getting clients. And within a short amount of time, I had two big projects and I was ready to leave my job. Now I tell that story because sometimes it's not that opportunities aren't there for us, it's that we're not looking for the right things. And that can really determine what things become possible for us based on what we're open to. In this episode, we'll talk about why that happens, how it's holding you back, and ultimately how to fix it to be able to get to where you're trying to go. This is Medium Well, where we're doing okay, but we can do better. I'm Dejahn. Let's get into it.

SPEAKER_00 1:07

Wait, what do you say? Medium red or medium well? Medium wear.

SPEAKER_01 1:11

So, first of all, I want to talk about how our brains isn't necessarily a camera that takes everything in. It's more like a filter that's deciding what's important to keep and what it wants to get rid of. Our brain's filter is determined by experiences, expectations, perspective, and what we're already looking for. What doesn't fit that filter gets discarded, and what gets let go could be very valuable information and we never even realize what we missed. There's actually been research done on this in 1999. There was a Harvard study dubbed the Invisible Gorilla Study, where they had people look at a video and ask them to count how many passes of a basketball these people did in the video. Now, in the middle of the video, they had a man dressed in a gorilla suit walk right across the screen. At the end of the first time they showed it, they asked everyone if they saw anything peculiar. Only around 50% of the people said they saw the gorilla, and that means 50% of the people never saw it. And when they showed them the video again, it was hard for them to accept that it was always there. The researchers call this inattentional blindness. It's basically our inability to see something in plain sight when we aren't focused on it. So basically, we understand that our brain isn't recording all of reality, it's taking pieces that it deems relevant and getting rid of the rest. If we dig deeper, we understand that our brain is more of a spotlight where that means it's going to find things it's looking for and it can be shifted to different things. So, for instance, if you're looking to buy a car and you see a car that you really like and you're doing research on it, all of a sudden you're going to see that car on the road way more than you ever did before because that's where your brain is attuned to. Another example is what I like to tell people it's never great to go through your partner's phone when you have some type of insecurity about something because you might not even find what you're looking for, but you will find something that will upset you because that's what your brain is looking for at that time. It might not find that your partner's cheating, but maybe you see that your partner said your breath kind of stinks and now you're crying. You know what I'm saying? It's it's it's it's basically you're you're feeling something and you're looking for it. And so, really, anything can fit the bill at that point because our brain is a spotlight. So, whatever our our spotlight is shined at, that's what becomes real to you. You'll see it more, and we'll even group in vague things that aren't even that into confirmation of that feeling and what we're looking for. So, now let's talk about why that's holding you back. Because as we understand, the spotlight is showing us what we uh deem as possible or real. There's a situation that I tell single guys all the time when you meet a girl, do not have a predetermined outcome that you want, because that basically is the spotlight, which would be this girl's cute, I want to date her, right? I want to have some type of romantic situation with her. What that does is when you go into that situation, you might block yourself from finding a great friend, a great client, just a great connection that could be so many different things. But because you're looking for romance when it doesn't look like it's going down that path, you'll disregard that you had a great conversation. You'll disregard that maybe you could work together, you'll disregard that maybe this is just a really good friend that I could have, which could help me find a partner in the future through their network, potentially. And this doesn't happen with just dating. Anytime you walk into a situation with a person looking for a predetermined outcome, you close the door on a lot of other possible outcomes. So I always tell people just go in looking for a good connection, see what you like about the person, see what you connect on, and build a connection that way without it trying to be without you trying to force it to be a specific type of connection. Because as we understand, the spotlight is showing us what we deem as possible or real. Now, this is something I had to learn. When I was young, I didn't think my voice really mattered. I didn't think anything I had to say was that valuable. I didn't think I was very smart. And in turn, that made me not very confident when I spoke. I was a little bit shy to share my ideas. It was hard to hear me speak sometimes. I wouldn't even speak loud enough for people to hear me. I didn't even get on social media until super late. I didn't really start posting until college, really. And social media came around at the beginning of high school, and I was one of the last people I knew to even get on there. I didn't feel comfortable sharing anything I had in my life or my thoughts or things I was doing because I didn't think it was valuable or anyone cared. And so I took in a lot of confirmation of those things. Anything that confirmed those fears, I took as reality. A lot of that changed when I got to college. I told myself randomly, I decided, you know what? I think I am smart. I think I'm valuable. I'm gonna start acting like it. No matter if other people believe it or not, I'm realizing that a lot of what becomes real is just what we tell ourselves. I realize a lot of confidence is just confidence. I can make confidence. I kind of manufactured it and said, you know, I'ma just look at life different. So I started to share my ideas more. I started to speak up more. And guess what happened? People can now validate those things. People can now express to me that I'm smart. People can now express to me that they like things I say and what I say is valuable and I can make more connections. You know, what's funny is I never had a 3.0 in college. Uh, it was like the second, third year. I didn't even have a 3.0 ever in a semester. And then I decided, you know what, I am smart and I'm gonna act like it. And so that very next semester, I had a 4.0. I had a 4.0 in college before I ever had a 3.0. I went from like a 2.7 to a 4.0, and the next semester I had a 3.9. And that just showed me a lot of limitations in life is self-inflicted limitations, things we believe, things we uh uh attune our brains to seeing. That's what gets confirmed. So now that we understand that, we ask ourselves, how do we change our filter? How do we make it so it's not holding us back? Well, number one, it's it's to do some self-exploration and figure out what is it that I'm actually looking for? What are the things I need? What are the things I know about myself and my goals and my dreams and my skills? What should I be keeping my ears open to? And then once you understand that, you can ask yourself, what is the best path to get there based on what I know now? What type of job, what type of relationship, what type of anything, what best gets me to those goals? And then on top of that, what are some concrete alternative routes that could get me there? What are some things that I'm not thinking about initially? So for me, when I was looking for another job, I wanted variety in projects, I want to be creative, and I wanted some financial and time freedom. And I thought that was going to come through working for someone else and maybe another agency. Okay, that aligns with my vision, which is really important. You have to make sure what you're looking for, what you see is possible, it at least aligns with the values that you have. But then after that, realizing what are some alternative ways to get there. And so for me, that was starting my own business because I can have all those things, but even in a better situation, I have a lot more control over it. So for you, in any situation, realize what are what are the things I'm looking for? What are the best ways to get there based on what I know now? And then going out and researching what are some other ways. So now when you go into the world, you're not blocking your mind out from important information, you're not trying to predetermine what path you want to go down or or you should go down. You understand what your values are, and you understand that there probably are some different ways for me to get there outside of what I'm already thinking. Because we understand our brain is really good at not seeing things we're not looking for. So we have to be a lot better at tuning our filter to not get rid of things based on unfamiliarity, fear, or just self-limitations. So no matter what you're doing in life, stop with the predetermined outcomes, go through your life, open to new connections, possibilities, and opportunities you didn't think about before, and you surprise how much becomes visible when you shift that spotlight in your mind. So sometimes we have to remember that there's probably a gorilla in the room. We just have to give our brains permission to see it. Thanks for listening. If you're on YouTube, there's another video for you to watch up top. Go ahead and subscribe. I appreciate the support. If you're listening on a podcast network, please go ahead and follow if it's possible. Dropping new episodes every week. I'm Dejahan. This was Medium Well. I'll see y'all next time.