When To Say YES and How to Say NO

Are you saying "yes" to everyone else while saying "no" to yourself? 

In this episode of Managing Difficult People, Adam Holbrook explores one of the most important skills for personal growth, leadership, and mental wellbeing: knowing when to say yes and when to say no. 

Through powerful personal stories and real-world experiences, Adam shares how saying yes to opportunities outside his comfort zone led to new relationships, professional growth, and life-changing experiences. He also opens up about the dangers of saying yes to everything, including the burnout, overwhelm, and personal struggles that nearly cost him everything. 

You'll learn how to evaluate opportunities through the lens of purpose, recognize when obligations are pulling you away from your goals, and develop the confidence to create healthy boundaries without guilt. 

If you've ever struggled with people-pleasing, overcommitting, burnout, or making difficult decisions, this episode will give you a practical framework for choosing what deserves your time, energy, and attention. 

Because every time you say yes to something, you're also saying no to something else. 

The question is: are your choices moving you closer to the person you want to become?

Stronger leadership starts with better communication.

Learn how to manage conflict, set boundaries, and lead with confidence.
Listen now: https://managingdifficultpeoplepodcast.com/

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

If you deal with someone who talks over everyone, claims credit for everything, and still gets invited to the leadership retreat, then this podcast is for you. So here's your host, Adam Holbrook of Managing Difficult People Podcast.

SPEAKER_01 0:24

Welcome to the Managing Difficult People Podcast. I am your host and excited to be with you today, Adam Holbrook. Today we're going to be talking about the power of saying yes and when to say no. Most people struggle to say no. People ask us to do things that we don't really want to do. We feel obligated to do them. We don't want to do them. We want to support the other person. So we wind up saying yes, even though it may affect our own mental health. So let's practice for a moment saying no. Somebody comes up to you and says, Hey, would you like to go on this trip with me or do this with me? And you really don't want to do it. You have no desire to do it. So let's say no. Ready? No. You could say no a couple different ways. You can say nope, not interested. I don't think so. Maybe next time. When you free up that space and say no, you allow the things that align with your purpose to come in. But first, we're going to talk about the power of saying yes. When we say yes to opportunities that align with our purpose, whether it's a new opportunity, hanging out with a friend that may give you insights to where you want to go, or give you the tools to maybe help you with your own mental health and help you where you're struggling in areas. You're not just saying yes to this opportunity, you're saying yes to your future self. I had an opportunity many years ago. Somebody introduced a client, an Orthodox Jewish company, to me and said they would like some business coaching. And I had my judgments about this Orthodox Jewish culture based on what other people have told me and the limited research that I've done. But I decided to say yes, because I was excited to say yes. And I was excited to learn from them. And I showed up that first day, and all the men and women in the offices were wearing black and white, their hairs long, you know, pictures on the wall of their families and phrases and writings on the wall that I didn't understand that were in Hebrew. And I felt very intimidated. And then we started our conversation. And it was the most warm, loving conversation that I ever pictured. Their welcomed me into their world. And I got to learn firsthand about their religion, their community, and how they treat one another. And I felt very welcomed and I'm so grateful. And I still work with them today, and they've introduced me to other Orthodox Jewish organizations that I work with today from that saying that yes one particular time. Saying yes is so important if it aligns with your purpose. And many times we don't know if it's gonna be a yes or if it's gonna be a no. And we're contemplating it in our brains. And here's the question that you gotta ask yourself when you're contemplating if I should say yes to this or I should say no to this. Does this opportunity move me closer to my purpose or pull me away? With that Orthodox Jewish company, I deeply wanted to be able to serve more and greater and help business owners take them to the next level. And this pulled me closer to that. Will I grow from through this experience? And that was a big yes for me. And the last question does it align with the kind of person I want to become? I want to deeply become a person that has empathy for other people that don't see the world the same as me. So this deeply aligned with all three of these questions. And that is why I said yes. I also said yes many years ago in 2021 to joining Toastmasters Public Speaking Group. I deeply wanted to be on stages across the United States speaking on personal development, leadership, and I wanted to help other people become the best version of themselves. Somebody invited me to go to a Toastmasters Club meeting. And I decided to say yes to that. I was looking forward to it, but I was nervous. And I had it mapped out in my mind what I was gonna say the first time I went to one of the meetings. I get up in front of the audience, in front of 15, 20 people, and my mind went blank. I couldn't remember what I wanted to say. I don't know what I said, but I'm sure it didn't make sense. And did that first experience eliminate the fear and eliminate my need for confidence? No. But as I continue to work and push myself out of my comfort zone, it got much easier. And today I'm speaking on stages across the United States from that one yes at that one Toastmasters Club meeting. And I feel bad for the people that had to listen to me in the beginning when I first started on my Toastmaster's journey and first started speaking in front of people. But you got to get really, in order to get really good, you gotta be really bad first and accept that you're not gonna be really good. But as you continue to get better, that's when everything starts to change. Now, not every time you say yes is it gonna be in complete alignment with where you want to go. You may think this is exactly where I want to go. You say yes to that opportunity, you say yes to that new job, you say yes to volunteering. And then you get involved in that project and you realize it's not what I thought it was, or I don't like it nearly as much as I thought I would like it. And that's okay too. And then that's okay because we need to learn how to say no. And this happened to me. I served on the board of a nonprofit for five plus years, giving my all, helping them with their finances, helping them grow their nonprofit. I was excited to work with them day in and day out. But as more and more time went on, I started to change what I thought was important. They started to change, and I didn't find myself in alignment with them anymore. And after serving them for five years, I eventually said no to them. I don't want to do this any longer. And that was a very, very difficult decision. But I'm so grateful for that opportunity and be able to serve them for that five plus years because I learned a lot from it. But it changed for me and I needed to step away after that. Yes. When we say yes, we open up the door for our future self. Recently I was asked by the district director of Toastmasters if I would like to lead a paid speaking club for Toastmasters, people that aspired to be a professional speaker. They asked me if I would help run it with them. And my initial thought was no, absolutely not. I want nothing to do with this because I'm trying to get more business. I don't want to be weighed down by helping other people, but I actually love helping other people. But the thing is, I didn't want to dedicate the space for this. But then I started to think about it. And when I make people better, I get better. More opportunities are coming to me. I make somebody better, then we get a speaking gig together. Things are happening with this. So after thinking in my brain that I didn't want to do this, I paused, I waited, and I thought about it, and then I wrote them back and I said, I will happily take this opportunity. And I'm so glad I did. I don't know how long this will go on, but I committed to leading this new Toastmasters Club for one year and excited for that journey. Now, not every time someone asks us to do something, we should say yes. Think about when someone asks us to do something that we really aren't in alignment with. Maybe it's a friend that asks you to hang out when you're deeply backed up on work, or you just need a little mental break, or your family's doing a get-together, but all you really need is to just have a little extra sleep. So not every opportunity, or if your boss asks you to do something and you really can't do it, you might say no. But there is repercussions of saying no. If you say no to your boss, you may get fired. If you say no to your friends consistently, they may stop asking you to hang out or not build that bond together. But when you build relationships with people, when you say yes to friends that you haven't been around long or you admire them, you like them, they can help direct you in the right places. When you say yes to that stuff, guess what happens? You become better. Because you've heard the expression, you're the combination of the top five people that you hang out with. So saying yes to those opportunities, saying yes to that cup of coffee with that buddy that you haven't hung out with in a while, or saying yes to that new relationship that you're building could be huge. But also recognizing when to say no. And when you say no, I know it's a lot easier said than done. But when I had my commercial office cleaning business, I would say yes to everyone in anything because I didn't want to lose an opportunity. But in the process, I started running myself ragged. I kept on getting more and more business because I was a great salesperson, but I wasn't a good leader. I was really good at getting new business, but I wasn't good at delegating and managing people and leading people to do the work for me. So I kept on saying yes, kept saying yes over and over, and I was plugging holes all day long, every single day, plugging holes one after another. And it got draining, and I didn't know how to lead, but I was so busy being busy that I didn't know how to get out of this rat race. People around me were saying, keep going, you're keep building this business, keep building this business. But I wasn't a leader, I wasn't delegating, I wasn't helping people become a better employee and then eventually work their way up in the organization. I was just helping people, helping them make me more money. And that's all I really cared about. And then it all came ahead when I was suicidal. I was suicidal for a very long time because I was working 90 to 110 hours a week. I remember working a 49-hour straight shift and just being so burnt out, looking in the mirror and just hysterically crying and wondering when this was gonna end. And then I decided to sell my business and I sold it for $220,000 back in 2006. And I said no, I didn't want to do this anymore. I didn't want to the pain I was going through, I didn't want to consistently say yes to everyone and then say no to myself. But when I said no more and I didn't want to sell the business initially, but when I sold the business, I was able to take a step back and say, what is it that I really wanted? And I realized what I really wanted was to be a successful business owner. But in order for me to do that, I needed to learn how to become a business owner and a leader. And when I took the time to pause and take time for my own mental health, I was able to do that and start my second business. And with the concepts of leadership, I was able to grow that second business and have systems and processes in place and build my people around me, and everything changed. So sometimes you got to take a step back and say no to things in order to say yes to your future self. Where do you need to say no in your life to give yourself more time to grow into your future self? And where did you say no to an opportunity that you could have said yes to? Because when we say yes to opportunities that align with us, even if they don't pay, even if they may not be in direct alignment with where you're going, it may open the door to your future self. And I know we want to be comfortable in life because most people strive to be comfort, comfortable. We are taught that comfort is something desired, something that we should strive for. But when we get comfortable with being uncomfortable and working toward areas of our life where we are secretly interested in or just want to know a little bit more about, we get a little bit uncomfortable. And by saying yes to opportunities that make us uncomfortable, that is where growing occurs. Where do you need to say yes in your life? One little yes is the key to your future tomorrow. And say no to the things that are gonna distract us from that. But recognize there's repercussions from saying no to your family. Recognize there's repercussions from your boss if you decide to say no to him, you may get fired. So, what's required of you? Ask yourself that. And remember these three questions. Does this opportunity move me closer to my purpose or pull me away? Will I grow through this experience? And does it align with the kind of person I want to become? This is the Managing Difficult People Podcast. My name is Adam Holbrick, and today's episode is all about the power of saying yes and saying no when it doesn't align with our purpose. Because when we show up better for ourselves, we show up for these difficult people better and we can manage them better. Thank you guys for joining me today. I wish you guys an amazing week. I'll see you next week. This is Adam signing off on the Managing Difficult People Podcast.

SPEAKER_00 16:06

So that's it for today's episode of the Managing Difficult People Podcast. Head on over to Apple Podcasts or iTunes wherever you listen and subscribe to the show. One lucky listener every single week that posts a review on Apple Podcasts or iTunes will win a chance in the grand prize drawing to win a $10,000 private VIP day with Adam Holbrook himself. Be sure to head on over to Managing Difficult People Podcast dot com and pick up a free copy of Adam's Gift. And join us on the next episode.