When Someone Confesses Marriage Problems: What to Do First

When someone opens up about marriage struggles, everything in you wants to either fix it… or move on.

Many small group leaders freeze in the moment, rush to give advice, or avoid the conversation altogether. But how you respond in that moment will shape the culture of your group — either toward gospel-centered care or surface-level performance.

In this episode, we walk through what to do first when someone confesses marriage problems. Drawing from Scripture and real ministry experience, we unpack a simple, biblical framework: listen well, speak gospel hope, and guide toward a care plan rooted in God’s Word.

If you want to lead a group where people feel safe to be real, where the gospel meets real pain, and where marriages are shepherded toward restoration, this episode is for you.

👉 Ready to serve in ministry? Get trained and deployed at CentralBibleInstitute.org

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What do you do when someone in your group gets real about their marriage?

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Do you bear their burdens or do you brush them aside?

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If your small group doesn't know how to handle pain, it's not a gospel-centered environment. It's just another place where people perform.

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Because when honest confession is met with disregard or an unwillingness to go there, it teaches people one thing. Keep it hidden.

SPEAKER_00 0:21

The very fact that someone brought their struggle into the light is proof that God is already working. Welcome to Off the Sidelines, a podcast from Central Bible Institute, the deployment center at Central Church, where we equip believers to move from watching ministry to doing ministry. All of our service is rooted in the gospel. We love because Jesus first loved us, and we serve because Jesus first served us. I'm Greg Sucert.

SPEAKER_02 0:47

And I'm Brianna Sucert. And today we're talking about this scenario. So you're leading your small group, you're maybe halfway through your discussion questions, and someone says, Can I be honest, my marriage is struggling?

SPEAKER_00 0:57

What do you do?

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Well, most of us panic. We want to help, but we don't know how. We might try to say something spiritual, or worse, we awkwardly move on to the next sermon question.

SPEAKER_00 1:06

Today we're going to talk about what to do first, and it might surprise you.

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So why do we freeze when someone confesses to marriage problems?

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Fear mostly. We're afraid we'll say the wrong thing. We're afraid we don't know enough. And honestly, we're sometimes afraid of the vulnerability that it will push people away or that it might take up the whole meeting.

SPEAKER_02 1:24

That last one is real. I mean, you've got discussion questions to cover.

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Right, but here's the problem. When we prioritize our agenda over someone's pain, we communicate that vulnerability isn't welcome. We say keep it together. Save the messy stuff for somewhere else. And then there's the other extreme.

SPEAKER_02 1:41

Some of us jump straight into fix-it mode. We start diagnosing, solving, and monologuing advice. Have you tried a date night? You guys should read this book. Let me give you some advice.

SPEAKER_00 1:50

And what just happened? You started counseling without knowledge, and that's also harmful because we haven't listened yet. So we don't really know what's going on. Maybe it's adultery, maybe it's pornography, maybe it's money. Maybe one of them said the word divorce. Maybe they've lost their mission as a couple. They're in a rut. Whatever the situation is, we need to listen before we speak.

SPEAKER_02 2:11

So we're stuck. We either freeze, monologue, or brush over the vulnerability in attempts to move on to more comfortable conversations.

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And when you do that, you send a clear message to your small group. We don't actually have time for real problems. We have got to get to the discussion questions. We've got to get to discussion question number three. And once you create that culture, people stop being real. They go back to hiding, they go back to pretending everything's fine, but there's a better way. And it starts with something we don't do nearly enough, actually listening.

SPEAKER_02 2:41

Okay, so what does the Bible say about how we should respond?

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Let me give you three steps. They're not complicated, but they require intentionality. Step one, we've already said it, listen first. James 119 says, Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. When someone confesses marriage problems, your first job is to listen.

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Not fix, not solve, listen.

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Yes, and what you're doing when you listen, you're creating a culture where vulnerability is welcomed. You're saying to your whole group, this is a place where you can bring your pain, and we won't rush you, we won't make you feel like a burden. In fact, we will bear your burden with you.

SPEAKER_01 3:21

And that might mean you don't get through your discussion questions that meeting.

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That's exactly right. And that's okay. I'm gonna say that again. It is okay to not get through all your sermon discussion questions because ministering to hurting people is more important than finishing every single discussion question.

SPEAKER_02 3:41

What if you're not sure what to say while you're listening?

SPEAKER_00 3:44

You don't need to have all the answers. Just start with being present. And you can ask clarifying questions. Let them pour their heart out. Sometimes the best thing you can say is thank you for trusting us with this. Now here's step two. Speak hope. After you've listened, the first words out of your mouth should be words of hope.

SPEAKER_02 4:04

I like that. Not advice, hope.

SPEAKER_00 4:06

Yes, always start with hope first. Because when someone's marriage is falling apart, the thoughts assailing them are, it's over, we can't recover, there is no way out.

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So what is the hope?

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The hope is the hope of the gospel. And here's what I love to say to people who are struggling in their marriage. Do you realize that we have a God who conquered death? Because Jesus rose from the grave, he can resurrect this marriage.

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That's powerful.

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And it's true, the same power that raised Christ from the dead is at work in believers. That's Romans 8, 11. If God can bring life from death, he can restore what is broken. God specializes in resurrection.

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So we're not giving them false optimism. We're giving them real gospel hope. We're immediately encouraging them to look to Christ. He has real resurrection power for those who feel like the relationships are decaying.

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Yes, and here's another piece of hope. The fact that they're confessing this right now is already evidence that God is working. Because left to ourselves, we hide, we keep things in the dark. But the fact that they had the courage to bring this into the light before your group, that's the Holy Spirit.

SPEAKER_02 5:34

So confession itself is proof of God's grace.

SPEAKER_00 5:37

Exactly. So celebrate with them. Tell them the fact that you're here bringing this into the light right now tells me that God is working. So hold on to his word. Keep trusting him. This was a bold move to even bring this into the light publicly before the group and see God's work, celebrate God's work. And as you continue to walk by faith, Scripture promises you're gonna see a whole lot more of his redeeming power.

SPEAKER_02 6:04

Okay, so first you've listened, then you've spoken hope. What's next?

SPEAKER_00 6:07

Step three, you guide them into a care plan in God's word. And this is critical. The care plan must be rooted in God's word. Hebrews 4 12 says the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword. God's word has the power to cut through to the heart of the matter and bring transformation. And here's another thing: the plan must involve both the husband and the wife.

SPEAKER_02 6:33

Yes, unless there's a physical threat involved from the spouse, we always want both the husband and wife involved in the care plan. And here's why. The Bible says the two become one flesh. Marriage is a covenant union. For marriages to be healed, it takes two hearts, both forgiving, both extending grace, both pursuing reconciliation. Okay, so Greg, how about you tell us what a care plan looks like?

SPEAKER_00 6:55

A care plan is really just dedicated time, set apart time, usually week to week or every other week, where you're meeting couple to couple. And in these meetings, you're providing ongoing support. You're listening to their hearts, you're hearing how they're doing, you're pointing them to scripture and you're helping them walk toward reconciliation.

SPEAKER_02 7:12

Now, there may be times when individual discipleship is needed too. Like if one spouse isn't a believer and doesn't want to be involved. But the most fruitful aim, the most fruitful goal is to encourage them to both seek the Lord and to pursue reconciliation in Christ together.

SPEAKER_00 7:26

This is so important because whatever sin has occurred, it affects both of them. Both will need to be counseled to confess, to forgive, to extend grace, and to turn to Jesus amid this hard season in their marriage. The best outcome we could pray for is that they would learn to fight for their marriage together, not in isolation.

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What if you're leading a men's group or a woman's group where the other spouse isn't present?

SPEAKER_00 7:52

Great question. Don't just say, well, I'll meet with the husband and leave the wife without care. You need to coordinate. Remember, there's a whole other side to the story that you don't know. Proverbs 1817 says, the one who states his case first seems right until the other comes and examines him. One of the quickest ways to offer poor counsel is by offering solutions without investigating the situation for multiple parties. So either connect with another leader to create a couple-to-couple care plan, or bring in an elder or a biblical counselor who can meet with both of them. This is why I love how Central Church does small groups, because every single small group has an assigned elder who has been given access to biblical counseling training. This elder is meant to be a resource, a shepherd to you to help you care for the people in your small group. This means they are called to serve and shepherd alongside you and to lead people who are suffering to Christ.

SPEAKER_02 8:48

And if the needs are more intense, like drug addiction, get in contact with our biblical counseling ministry at centralchurch.com/slash counseling. We have a team ready to help provide the next steps. Now let's get practical. What if you feel totally unqualified for this?

SPEAKER_00 9:03

Then you're in good company. Most of us feel that way. But here's the good news: you don't have to be an expert. You just have to be present. You just have to be faithful.

SPEAKER_02 9:12

So in a situation like this, what does it mean and what does it look like to be faithful?

SPEAKER_00 9:16

Faithful means listen when someone confesses, speak the hope of the gospel, and then pursue them with the care that they need.

SPEAKER_02 9:23

And if it's beyond your ability? What if the couple resists meeting together?

SPEAKER_00 9:31

That's where you lovingly encourage them that biblical healing requires both of them. You might say, I know this is hard, but God designed marriage as a covenant. Healing happens when both of you are pursuing healing together.

SPEAKER_02 9:44

What if one spouse still refuses?

SPEAKER_00 9:46

Then you still meet with the willing spouse and encourage them, but you also keep inviting the other. Don't close them out. Keep pursuing them too. And if things keep progressing in a harmful direction, you may need to involve your elder because there might be a deeper issue of the heart that needs to be addressed by church leadership. So man, I want to speak to you directly. When someone confesses marriage problems, this is your moment to lead. Don't be passive, don't wait for someone else to step in. Lead by listening first. Lead by speaking hope. Lead by coordinating care, and resist the temptation to immediately take sides. Your calling isn't to be an advocate against another man's wife. Instead, your calling is to help both of them move toward reconciliation. So, yes, meet with him, encourage him, hold him accountable for how he is responding, but also make sure that there's a plan where the husband and wife are getting help together as a couple. And here's something else. Resist the urge to have all the answers. Spiritual leadership is not pulling out your solution manual, but shepherding them toward Jesus. And if you're married, this is a reminder to invest in your own marriage. Make sure that you and your wife are in the Word together. Make sure that you and your wife are pursuing reconciliation when conflict arises and that you are extending grace daily. The best way to help struggling marriages is to authentically pursue a marriage that is rooted in Christ and glorifies God yourself.

SPEAKER_02 11:12

And ladies, the same principle applies to you. If you are leading a women's small group and someone shares about marriage struggles, you can't just isolate the wife and make it all about her side of the story. I know it's tempting, she's hurting, and you want to comfort her. You want to validate her pain. And you should, absolutely, but don't stop there. Don't let it become you and her against him. Your role is to help her see what God is calling her to in this situation. To confess where she needs to confess, to forgive where she needs to forgive, to pursue reconciliation in a way that honors Christ. Also, you have a unique role in creating a culture of vulnerability. When someone confesses marriage struggles, your response sets the tone for the whole group. Be the one who listens without self-righteously looking down on others. Be the one who reminds them of the gospel, and be the one who makes sure they don't walk this path alone. If you're leading a women's group and a wife shares marriage problems, don't just offer to meet with her. Help coordinate care for both her and her husband. Call your assigned elder. Connect with the biblical counselor if needed. Make sure the marriage gets the couple-centered care it needs. And if you're married, be intentional about your own marriage. Pursue your husband. Extend grace. Be quick to confess and forgive. Your marriage is a witness to God's covenant love.

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Now, here's the challenge for everyone this week.

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Decide right now how you'll respond the next time someone confesses pain in your small group.

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Will you prioritize the agenda or will you prioritize the person?

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Will you run away or will you lean in?

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And here's the action step. Reach out to your small group elder this week. Ask them, what's our care plan if someone in our group confesses marriage problems? Make sure you know who to call and what resources are available.

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Don't wait until you're in the moment. Be prepared now.

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The church should be the safest place in the world to confess our struggles. Let's make sure our small groups pursue that biblical calling. We hope this episode has been helpful in inspiring and equipping you to serve faithfully in whatever area God is calling you.

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None of our service is possible apart from the power of the Holy Spirit. He is the one who makes all the difference. And the Spirit is given freely to all who turn from their sin and trust in Jesus Christ alone, resting not in our performance but in his finished work, his life, his death, his resurrection.

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If you're not sure that you've been born again, please reach out to us at centralchurch.com.

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And check out centralbibleinstitute.org to see ways you can get trained and deployed for faithful ministry service.

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And speaking of getting equipped, our small group leadership training begins this upcoming Sunday, May 3rd, 2026, from 4.30 to 6 30 p.m. This is an eight-week class that will train and deploy you to spiritually lead the people God is bringing to your group.

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If what we've talked about today has stirred something in you, this is your next step. Head to Central Bible Institute.org to register. This is your last chance to register before we begin this Sunday.

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Thanks for listening to Off the Sidelines, a CBI podcast. And remember, you are not saved to sit.

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You were saved to serve.