Inherited Love

“What were you taught about love?”  
In this ramble session, I walk back through the earliest classrooms of my life — the ones shaped by my dad, my mom, and the versions of love they could (and couldn’t) give.
I talk about the affection I received, the affection I didn’t, the emotional gaps I learned to navigate, and the quiet ways those lessons still echo in adulthood.

This episode is an invitation to ask yourself:
If love was something you learned, why can’t you learn it again — differently, gently, and on your own terms?

A soft descent into memory.
A gentle rise into awareness.
A reminder that your love story isn’t finished.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:02

Welcome to Cataclysm Corner. I'm your host Val. I don't give answers. I give awakenings. And if you're here, it's because something inside of you is already shifting. Let's poke it. Today is going to be a type of rambler storytelling.

SPEAKER_02 0:34

No, sir, you do not need my tripod.

SPEAKER_01 0:37

Go away. Do you want me? No. Go. Do you want to go in the house? Then you're gonna listen to me. Okay then. Go play. Thank you. Don't mind the interruptions.

SPEAKER_02 0:59

My feral gremlins like to poke their noses in every little thing that I'm doing. Um as I was saying, this is one of my storing storytelling sessions, which I like to call one of my rambles. Um, where I just go off on a tangent and start talking about things. And the topic I want to talk about today is love.

SPEAKER_01 1:33

What were you taught about love? Whether this be a parent or other family relationship or a partner relationship or a friendship perhaps. But the point that we are discussing is what were you taught about love? What were you taught? What were you shown?

SPEAKER_02 2:16

Not necessarily just taught, because lessons come from experiences, whether they're audio or visual or physical or any of that. Lessons come in many forms.

SPEAKER_01 2:37

So my question to you is what were you taught about love? And here's where the storytelling comes in. I'm going to talk about a little bit of what I was taught love was. Or lack of love for that matter. Because when you take a coin, there's always two sides. Just like with a story. Just like with everything else. One moment.

SPEAKER_02 3:15

What child? Please be careful, thing one. You're not getting my tripod. I have already said no. Do you want to go in the house? I've already asked you and you're not listening. Little, little, little, you're not gonna use it for a little bit. No, sir. I said no. End of discussion. You keep pushing the issue, and we're gonna fight about it. Oh, go get your balloon then. You need it. Boys, y'all just leave that door open. Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

Just letting all the critters into the house. Anywho, we're gonna.

SPEAKER_02 4:06

I'm gonna storytell a bit. I know what happened. I shut that door all the way, and thing two can't get back out to me. Here, my apologies, good sir. Anywho, so growing up, I was raised by my dad.

SPEAKER_01 4:23

My mom was off on a drug-related fiend era. Um, she she had some some pretty heavy um poisons.

SPEAKER_02 4:45

We'll just leave it at that. And she was not a part of my life in any sort of prominent manner until I was probably 11, 12.

SPEAKER_01 5:03

No, I think I was twelve.

SPEAKER_02 5:07

Because at the time uh my dad and I had had a fight and I ended up moving households. Um, but that's a whole nother story for another day. Um legitimately. Uh excuse me. My voice is not wanting to cooperate with me. Um probably because I know what this is leading into.

SPEAKER_01 5:39

Um, nervous laughter. Anywho, so I was raised by my dad, and my dad was a baby boomer. He was born during the mid-40s. And if he was still alive today, he would be right at 80.

SPEAKER_02 6:15

I'm not gonna do the math off the top of my head right now. That's I'm not trying to dive into that talent. I'm trying to to focus on what I'm doing, because my ADHD will trigger me left field harder than a fucking dog seeing a squirrel.

SPEAKER_01 6:29

Um, so I was raised as a millennial in the time frame at least, but I had quite a few Gen X characteristics poured in.

SPEAKER_02 6:57

Um, because I was raised by the same generation that they were raised by. If that makes sense, if you're following me, try to keep up because my brain does loop-de-loops on connections. Anywho. So I was raised as like a millennial Gen X hybrid. And for those of you that don't know, baby boomers don't really express. Excuse me, sir, can you pay pay attention? Um, anywho, so baby boomers were raised in a way that they didn't really express emotions, they didn't show love in your typical thought process way. Um, for instance, my dad rest his soul.

SPEAKER_01 8:02

Um, my dad didn't tell me that he loved me um often.

SPEAKER_02 8:14

I think over my twenty-six years, I'm I'm 31 now, but over my twenty-six years, or twenty-seven maybe, um, because he passed when I was pregnant with my eldest.

SPEAKER_01 8:37

Anywho, uh over that period of time frame that my dad was my dad, um, excuse me, I think that I heard him tell me that he loved me six or seven times. Maybe eight.

SPEAKER_02 9:04

I know I can count them on both hands. If I really sat down and dove into all of my memories and looked at, you know, how many times he actually told me that he loved me. Um, my dad was someone that showed love through service. And by this I mean he worked his ass off to take care of me and provide for me in the best ways that he could. And I give him credit for that, for the simple fact that in his situation, that was not easy at all.

SPEAKER_01 9:55

My dad spent the first see how old was I in How old was I when he started walking? Um sorry, excuse the silent moments.

SPEAKER_02 10:17

Also, I'm testing out this new microphone, so hopefully there's not as much background noise.

SPEAKER_01 10:26

Anywho, so shit, where did my brain just go? You're not getting my tripod.

SPEAKER_02 10:41

Go away. Yeah, and you're fixing to make me get mean. This is the third time that I have said no. You do not have to yell. I am literally two feet away from me.

SPEAKER_01 11:01

Go. You're supposed to be out there playing. Thing one. Supposed to be outside anyways. Here. Come on. Come on, in here. Get up, let's go. Come on, in here.

SPEAKER_02 11:27

That's not supposed to be outside no ways. You can sit right on the other side of this door right here. I can I can pay attention to you through. You shush. Excuse me. You wanna let me sit down so I can do it?

SPEAKER_01 11:46

I apologize for this brief interruption. The boy. Sit you down at the turn. What's big one?

SPEAKER_02 12:02

Well, I need to be near my phone. I am look. Look, buddy. I am recording. Okay? You go sit in that chair. Bye. Whatever. I'll just take my phone over there. I don't care. Anywho, um, I've got my fan so I don't overheat. So let's see. I was probably about six, maybe seven, when my dad started walking. No, I take that back. I take that back. I was I was younger than that when he started walking. I was I don't know, maybe four or five. Little boy, I told you no. Pay you yourself. I told you you did not need my tripod, and you snatched it up anyways because I was not touching it. Thing one. Listen to me. You do not need it. Well, the battery's dead on your little toy phone. I'm sorry. Go find the other one. Go find the other one. I'm not changing the batteries right now. I am in the middle of something. You hey, you do not have to like what I said, but you will respect the boundary. I am not changing the batteries right now. I am in the middle of something. I am in the middle of something. Then go inside. Oh god, child. Then stop.

SPEAKER_01 14:03

You're gonna stop.

SPEAKER_02 14:06

You don't need it. I'm fixing to take it away, and I will listen to thing two scream over it. No, then you need to stop throwing a fit over it. I am in the middle of something and it never fails. You have to interject, interrupt, intercede, whatever. We're not doing this. Now I brought you outside so that you can play. Do you want to go play? Then you don't need that fucking tablet that is keeping Bubba out of my butt. You want your chair? Yeah? Okay, we can do that. Hold on. Hold on just a moment.

SPEAKER_01 15:05

That same design.

SPEAKER_00 15:14

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_02 15:19

There's okay. Ooh, I almost lost where I set my stuff down at. Anywho, um, I am back.

SPEAKER_01 15:26

Just oh man, kids.

SPEAKER_02 15:31

Love them to death. Drive me nuts though. Absolutely nuts. Anywho, so let's see. Well, I guess it really doesn't matter when exactly my dad started walking um in this in this topic. Um but the point that I was chasing down for that matter was my dad was paralyzed for I don't know, at least a decade, maybe a little bit longer. Um I don't I don't remember the exact year that he was paralyzed, nor do I remember when he started walking. Um, however, I will say this uh just for details. Um my dad uh did not have feeling in like his legs and his feet um for the longest until he had a surgery when I was in sixth grade. So when I was 11, um 10, 11, somewhere in there. Anywho, he had a good chunk of his main aorta that was completely missing, it had completely dissolved um due to his personal experiences and and near-death experiences and stuff like that, um, which that's a whole nother story. Also, uh, but what I'm getting at is love. Okay, so my dad expressed his love through service, and honestly, even though he never told me that he loved me, I knew that he did from the way that he provided the way that he pushed himself and did anything and everything to provide for me, um food, clothes, the whole nine yards, you know, raising a kid and all of its costs, but and if it were just any ordinary person, I would be able to be like, okay, so there would have to be a little bit more, right? You know, but with the extremes that my dad experienced, um, and how those factored in, it was a little more understandable. Um, so not only did my dad do acts of service, he did gifting as well. Um and that's I picked that one up a hundred percent. Both of his love languages I adapted. Um I adapted and adopted. Sorry, I had to specify that because it was both, and it kind of I don't know if it came out garbled, but it I wanted to clarify that it was both. Um now where the where the trauma comes in on that is my dad was so busy and hardworking and all of that good jazz, which served a purpose, but what I'm getting at, my dad was so busy and everything that we didn't spend quality time, we didn't bond, we didn't have just basic conversations until I was older. Um, so my early childhood development, I learned that communication wasn't necessary, and also I experienced um my first visibility wound. Um okay, I will tie it just a moment. Um let me clip this to my shirt so I can have both of my hands. Let's see. So my dad, even though he loved me and he did his best for everything, I do still have some issues with my shadow with him. Um, but the prominent shadow that I have had to fight tooth and nail and go through and dig through layer after layer and just belly up in the freaking trenches is my mother. Um now when it comes to love learning or experience or what have you.

SPEAKER_01 20:43

No, go. Sorry about that. Um, so where did that go? I lost something. Oh, it's in my lap.

SPEAKER_02 21:01

Oh shit. Okay. Sorry, my brain is firing on like a thousand cylinders right now. Anywho, so on to motherly love. And by this I mean, she told me she loved me every single chance that she got. It could be, hey, I love you, go do this for me. Hey, I love you, I need something. Hey, I love you, can you help me?

SPEAKER_01 21:50

Hey, I love you, but I need you to hold this trauma for me. Hey, I love you, but I'm gonna talk your ear off and dump all of my trauma into your lap.

SPEAKER_02 22:10

Hey, I love you as long as you have a use.

SPEAKER_01 22:16

My mother's love was very conditional.

SPEAKER_02 22:23

And one major point of proof of this is shortly before my dad passed, um, I had lost my place of residence uh over some bullshit um during the whole COVID stuff. But uh the beginning of the COVID stuff. Apologies. Anywho, so I had moved back in with my mother, and I was no, I apologize, this was prefor I had moved out to that place, to my place of residence, and then I had some issues, and then I ended up moving back to my mother's. But anyway, so I was living with my mom, and this is probably about a year, maybe two before my dad passed. And I was living with my mom. No, no, no, no, no. Sorry, my time frame is getting a little bit garbled. One moment. I won't even worry with time frame. Fuck that. Uh I'm not trying to pinpoint it on when exactly it was, but point of this is my mother had because I yeah, cause I was I was pregnant with my eldest. Um, so maybe six, seven months before my dad passed, roughly. Um I was pregnant with my eldest, like I said, and I had ended up living back with my mom due to various hardships. Um and I was unable to work at that time. Oh, wait, hold on. This was a couple of months. Yeah, this was a couple of months before my dad had passed away. Um, I had gotten to the point that I couldn't work uh during my pregnancy. And because I could not work, her stipulation for me living with her was you have to help me with my schoolwork. And at this time, my mother was going to college for accounting, which was stupid as fuck. Um, not the class, but her choice in the class. My mother is not good at math at all. At all.

SPEAKER_01 25:32

Hold on, let me help you down thing two. Hold on, come on. Ah, there you go. Oh, hold on, there you go.

SPEAKER_02 25:41

All right. So my mother is not good at math at all, and I cannot even begin to fathom the reasons that she had for choosing accounting of all things. But anywho, I happen to re be really good at math, and honestly, this was five years ago. Sorry, brain scattering again. One moment. Excuse me.

SPEAKER_01 26:20

Thing one get out or be quiet. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 26:33

So my mother decided that if I was gonna live with her, I was gonna do her college work for her. And when I say that, I mean exactly that. I did her workbooks, I did her assignments, I did her classes for her. I got the fucking degree for her. She doesn't use it. But anywho, that's not the point. Excuse me, sir. I do not have all of my hands available to be able to fan you. Sit down and wait. You're just fascinated with my little hand fan. Yeah, you are. Anywho, so yeah, it's nice, huh?

SPEAKER_01 27:30

It's pretty cool. Stop interrupting. Stop interrupting, dude. Um my brain.

SPEAKER_02 27:44

I'm gonna go walk out in the yard since you don't want to be quiet and your voice is echoing in here. Anywho, so my mother. My mother was a very conditional lover. Uh she she loved me for what I could do for her and what I could provide. Um, another instance that really proved this to me, because I realized it long ago that my mom's love was conditional. It was not unconditional, it was very, very conditional. You had to act a certain way, be a certain way, the whole nine yards. Um, so much so that any time that I called her out on her shit, it was a brawl. 100% World War III fucking level bullshit. Um there was only a couple of times that things got really physical. Um, I have yet to this day lay hands on my mama, but at this point, if I were to be put in the same situation that I had been back then, there's no guarantees. Stop following me. It's not funny. I am busy. I am trying to record something, dude. Yeah, and I was playing with you all morning. You wait until I'm trying to record something. You did it on my live earlier, too. You kept trying to interject, and I was only live for 30 minutes. I take brief moments to myself to do shit, and you don't care. You need to realize that not everything is about you. Yes, I love you, and yes, I do a lot with you and for you, but you gonna respect my boundaries, or you gonna get put in your room.

SPEAKER_01 30:04

Um brain.

SPEAKER_02 30:10

So a lot of ways that I was useful to my mother. Nope. That was the next topic. Um the one that I was on was oh, the fact that I cut ties. Um I I don't talk to her, she don't talk to me. Um every once in a while she'll text me some bullshit. You know, how are the boys? Happy whatever holiday, da-da-da-da. And nine times out of ten, I don't even respond because there's no there's no depth to it, there's no authenticity or or truth. Um, it's just I want to say that I reached out, da-da-da-da. Um now, a lot of ways that I was useful to my mother was not just intellectually, but well, intellectually, intellectually in the manner of smarts, like book smarts, um, but also emotionally, um, like emotional intelligence.

SPEAKER_01 31:28

Um I see you, go away.

SPEAKER_02 31:44

So sorry, I'm trying to avoid my child right now because he's trying to intercede hard as fuck. Um my I think pacing is making me lose my train of thought too. Go away. Um shit brain. Come on. Come back online. My thoughts. There was a lot of times that I had tried my best to mend the bond between she and I. Um, I tried to talk to her and be upfront, honest, open, you know, like, hey, this is a pattern that I am seeing, and I don't like, you know, how it fucking affects me or how you treat me when such and such happens, you know, like I would break it down for her and tell her the truth. You know, I'm I'm a truth teller. I I say it like it is, whether you like it or not. Baby, the truth fucking hurts sometimes. Um, and a lot of times that truth that I would say would trigger her. And by this I mean it didn't matter how I started the the the conversation or the heart-to-heart, heart to heart rather. Sorry, um, it didn't matter how I started it. Um it could be soft, it could be aggressive, it could be commentary, it could be anything, literally. And anytime that it would start to progress, it would immediately turn to, well, I'm sorry that you know I I tried my best. Um well I experienced this that a uh I ran because I I didn't I didn't know what I was doing. Um let's see, what else was there? Um oh yeah, and then it would go into the the trauma dumping, you know. Well, when I was such and such years old, uh so and so did this to me, and I I couldn't say anything to my mom about it, blah blah blah. And you know, it was just a full-blown trauma dump. And it always the point of it is uh of what I'm saying right there is it did not matter how I started the conversation, it would always land on the same fucking plate, the same topic, the same trauma. Um, and I got tired of making no headway. I got tired of putting my all into a relationship that was not going to be reciprocated in any way, for that matter, in any form. It didn't matter. There there was no reciprocity there to begin with. And later, later, I come to realize that a lot of my mother's hostility towards me was the fact that I gave no shits. I gave no shits. I would call people out, I would say the unspoken thing, I would say the taboo thing, I would say the thing that nobody had the guts to. I would say the thing that shattered the illusion. And honestly, my mom hated me for it. Still does. Still does. Now, this may not be an intentional hate, but it's hate nonetheless. Um, she highly dislikes my energy, she cannot tolerate being around me for longer than a certain period of time without trying to instigate or poke the bear or start some shit, really. It doesn't matter. Um, I don't get a peaceful moment with my mother because it never happens. Excuse me, thing one. Why do you have my cup out there in the yard? Oh, Bubba was trying to bring it to me. Okay, well, he was thirsty. You could have helped him.

SPEAKER_01 36:57

Okay, then mama help him. That's fine. What love? Bubba's fine. Here. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:14

It's okay. It's okay. Oh, he helped you drink? Okay. So you basically stepped in and and took it from him because he was trying to get a drink first. Yeah, I thought so, you little shite. Um, so what I'm trying to say is overall, after the storytelling, because I I'm gonna end it at that, because if I go on any longer, they're gonna just try to interfere harder. Um, so I'm just gonna stop the storytelling there. But I do want to leave you with this. One moment. Thing one. I see you. I do not need your help. We already talked about what happened. You told me the story. Now go.

SPEAKER_01 38:13

Anywho, so I'm gonna leave you with this. Consider what you learned about love at an early age. And consider knowledge itself.

SPEAKER_02 38:39

Knowledge is ever expanding. It's constantly expanding, growing, learning.

SPEAKER_01 38:51

Excuse me, thing one. You better stop.

SPEAKER_02 38:59

Um, so knowledge is ever expanding and you know, ever growing. So why can't you learn new ways to love or learn new things about love and how it should be received or given or any of that?

SPEAKER_01 39:21

I mean, think about it, you learn new things every day, right? So why can't you learn new things about love? This was Cataclysm Corner with Val. If something inside of you is twitching, good.

SPEAKER_02 39:44

That's what it's supposed to do, baby.

SPEAKER_01 39:46

That is your body alerting you and trying to communicate. Go sit with this for a minute.

SPEAKER_02 39:56

I was gonna say bit, button minute came out. But anywho, go sit with this. I'll catch you in the next disruption.