Pt 2, Katie Lessard Testimony

An inspiring raw journey of a new mom of a special needs child.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Well, with all of that unfolding, this first year of home life with Abram and the roller coaster ride of all that came with him, how did that impact your spiritual walk with the Lord?

SPEAKER_00 0:19

Massively. Um, you know, season prior, I had hours on end of Bible study, prayer room times, all the things, but I mean, being a mom in general, a first-time mom, that naturally will change that. But this is a whole other beast, and that became foreign almost. I mean, honestly, those raw moments and those pockets of time, like in the car, that was my time with the Lord. That was my prayer in the shower, you know, those moments, that moment in the car. It's those pockets of time of even the ugly times when I am frustrated or very overwhelmed. I mean, so many times in the middle of a vomit episode, I remember just not stopping, but it was just like a I literally have nothing else to give. Where are you in this moment? Like, I need a glimpse of you, I need your voice, I need your spirit, like I need your presence, I need something because I I'm at the end of myself, and so it was it changed drastically. It was in those moments where our intimacy truly continued, but didn't look anything like I expected or thought, and I didn't realize that those were the moments that continued our intimacy until I was out of that firefly.

SPEAKER_01 1:58

In that season, did you ever blame God for what was going on?

SPEAKER_00 2:04

I definitely blamed him in the way of asking why me. Like why Hayden and I? And that began a conversation and truly a wrestle with him. I vowed to you as a teenager, I will give my life and my all to you because I love you. I gave up so many things, and I went to be a missionary after high school. I have been in ministry since then for almost 10 years. It has looked very different in many different roles and aspects. But I've given my life for your kingdom, for your name, for you. And, you know, I try with all that is in me to live a righteous life. I have dedicated my life as an intercessor in the prayer room. I live in your house, in your courts, Lord. How can I live this life when I'm called to this? Or I've done all these things. Why me? And that began a wrestle. And I remember one time I was being so honest with him in that conversation, and it was ugly, but it was raw, and it was real. And he led me to Psalm 139 and was like, I know this chapter, why? So I went to it, and the section starting in verse seven, where it says, Where shall I go from your spirit? Where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there. If I make my bed and shield, you're there. Even your hand shall lead me, your hand will guide me. And I remember he he made me kept rereading and praying verse seven, where shall I go from your spirit? Where shall I go from your presence? And one of the biggest, if not the biggest, in this journey struggles in my own heart has been feeling misunderstood in this. Because in my pregnancies, both of them has not been beautiful, they have not been normal on any counts. It has been quite difficult. We have not had anything easy, and feeling misunderstood by the world, no offense to our friends and family, but even not only the diagnosis, but the things we have dealt with in his first year, the vomiting, not being able to do anything, having the emotional toll and the physical toll that it all comes with, you can see it, you can watch us out and about, but no one truly sees and understands what we really do on a daily basis for him and with him. And just feeling not seen, not understood, and even with the vomiting situation and a couple other things, we have had to advocate so hard for Abram because we go to doctors and we had to start videoing certain things to say, hey, this is what is happening. You don't understand, this is what's happening. So we need answers, we need a breakthrough in some kind of way. And so, even feeling misunderstand by doctors, it's tough. And so I just felt so seen and so known. He says, at the beginning of the chapter, he says, I am well acquainted with your ways, he's with us in this journey. He's the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. The one who has walked with us very closely in our seasons past. He's with me and Hayden in this, he's with Abram in this. And with his hand in ours, he ends us in behind before he lays his hand upon us. And it changed my perspective, and so it revealed that I was having an identity crisis. Everything was being stripped for me. Life as I knew it, ministry, and quickly I had to be humbled. My identity is not in what I have done, in my qualifications, in what I can do, but it's in who he sees me as and who he says I am, and I am seen and I am known in this, and I have this tattoo, it's a broken jar, it represents the story of Mary of Bethany, where she breaks her alabaster jar of oil, and it's costly, and I vowed at 20 years old, and I vowed, Lord, in every season of my life, I will pour my love and my life on you. And quickly, I began to feel shamed, aside from feeling misunderstood, because it quickly didn't look like it did in any other season before. And I put so many expectations on myself that were not being met because they couldn't, and pouring my life and my love on him, it does not look like the way it has or will be, and that has been a journey and a wrestle.

SPEAKER_01 7:57

Yeah, I find that we all have our identity in other things more than the Lord, more than we realize, usually until that thing gets taken away. We know mentally, no, my identity is not in that. But the things that we do, whether it's an occupation, whether it's ministry, whether it's I'm a mom, I'm a wife, all of those things, we have a good bit of our identity in that. And it's not wrong to have some of your secondary identity in that, but our primary identity should only be in who I am before the Lord. And intimacy is something that keeps setting you in front of him just you. You don't come to him as a wife, you don't come to him as a mom, you don't come to him as a husband, you don't come to him as a son, you just come to him as you. You don't bring anything to the table, nothing that you've done comes with you. It is just your heart before him. And the more time I spend before him in intimacy interacting with that, then the more my identity is here. He alone defines me for who I am with nothing else that I do or anybody else says about me. It is just me and him. But if you don't have intimacy, I know I didn't have it for many years with him. I had a relationship with him, but intimacy is different than just a relationship. And so the years of that has helped me catch a number of times where I kept transferring identity into other things or had it a little bit too much, or it got taken away. And then I really realized, oof, who am I? What am I doing? If I'm asking those questions, my identity was not in him. If I'm saying, who am I now? What is my purpose now? That means I had more of my identity in something than I should have. Because it can sting that something gets taken away, or it's suddenly a different season and we don't know what to do with it. That's normal, but it should not devastate me to where I have an identity crisis, which we we all know because we've had one at some point, and learn that lesson for ourselves. But that is something when I stand before him, I let him say who I am over and over because it helps me in moments where that's tampered with. So you're in this year where your spiritual life has taken a significant hit. You're not able to be in the prayer room very much hardly at all. Spiritually, let's shift a little bit to spiritually what is in your heart and your mind, the prayer room is a distant memory. How are you processing that?

SPEAKER_00 10:46

It was definitely a distance with the prayer room. I I felt so much shame because of what I thought it was gonna look like, what I thought I could do, and then I had these preconceived ideas that y'all had ideas of me. Of is she not strong enough? Does she not have enough faith? Does you know, is she not good enough to get through this? That sounds so silly saying it, but those are real raw thoughts in the moments, and so dealing with that shame honestly, it was in those pockets of moments when that was dealt with. So I had expectations on myself. I, you know, imagine y'all had expectations on me that no one asked of me. The Lord never put on me your axe of me.

SPEAKER_01 11:43

And I remember having the conversations with the Lord, even of um, if she doesn't come back, then she doesn't come back. And we had many conversations where I was like, you are where you're supposed to be, doing what you're supposed to be doing. I never ever wanted you to think that I thought you needed to be in the prayer room. Uh, I wanted you to know you were doing what you were supposed to be doing and that you had our full support that we understood and were rallying behind you, even if you never came back into the prayer room. But I knew it was too early to have that answer, and it just needed to unfold. And if it was the Lord, you'd be back in your role in the prayer room, and if it was the Lord for you to be home, that's where you were gonna be.

SPEAKER_00 12:26

I remember around this time I was really feeling that shame, and Abram had many things going on at the time, and apparently we were having a rough day because I remember I was trying to rock him to sleep, and it was just a fight, and I was like, Lord, I need you to break through in this moment. I was I was at the end, and um, I remember the Holy Spirit just led this whole moment. I'm so grateful, but it was the Holy Spirit completely because we have normally a white noise in the background in his room when he sleeps, and so I turned it off and I hadn't thought about this album in years, and I put on this worship instrumental album on instead of the white noise, and I was like, you know what? I'm gonna stand up and sway him, like just complete thoughts I was not even thinking, totally the Holy Spirit. So I stand up and I just start swaying him, and it's been almost a year since I've been in the prayer room. I the last time I was in the prayer room was the week before I had Ingram, and that was honestly the last time I'd prayed in the spirit, prayed in tongues, and I remember something just came over me and it just started coming out of me as I was swaying, and I mean within seconds, he was in the room, and I remember feeling so overwhelmed by his presence. Again, I haven't been in true worship since in that kind of way. I hadn't prayed in that way in so long, and it was so refreshing. And I remember I opened my eyes, Abram was out within a few minutes. I was like, thank you, Jesus. But in that moment, I could not stop swaying. I just felt the Holy Spirit like linger here, stay here. And Jesus was in the room with me. I felt it so heavy, and I was I was crying, I was really overwhelmed in true love and thankfulness, and I began just pouring my heart out to him. I love you, I love your presence, I missed you, I missed this, like you know, just pouring my love on him in that moment, and immediately I began in my mind's eye, I felt like he was escorting me, Jesus escorting me to the father, like in the throne room. And Jesus starts affirming me to the Father. Like, look, she's doing it. Look how much she loves me, and affirming me in all the ways, and then Jesus looks at me, and then the father starts affirming me, like back to me. And again, I still was feeling misunderstood, feeling so much shame that I thought I could have loved him better in this season. I thought I could have been stronger in moments, I could have had more faith in moments, and not having the intimacy like I've had in the whole decade of my life at this point. I didn't know how to love him, but I did. It's in those pockets of moments, it's in the ugly and in the raw and in the frustrating nights and on your knees, cleaning vomit. It's in those moments, and those moments he truly met me. I remember one time cleaning up all the filth, I met his eyes with so much compassion. He's in it with me. He loves me, he's not gonna leave me. And so back to this moment, I just felt so seen, so loved, and that is my identity. Like you were saying, before I'm a mother or a wife or an intercessor, I am his before anything, and that was really a turning point in my heart. Like I just had to go back to basics, and he began speaking identity over me.

SPEAKER_01 17:02

And I find so many times in those moments, just a really weak moment, we don't count it as love because it's so weak. And I know for me it exposes how much I actually run in my own strengths instead of being dependent on him, because then when I'm weak, I discount everything as I'm not doing it right, I'm not doing it good enough, I'm gonna get it together, and he counts it as love, though it's weak, just asking for his help, that reach for him of oh, I feel like I'm failing, but you're talking to him about it, and he's like, No, this is it. This is love. What I count as love is when I'm strong and I'm doing it right and I'm doing all the things, and he counts a lot of other things as love and defines that as love. So it's those moments I feel um when we're at the end of ourselves, that kind of he's like, I'll take this too.

SPEAKER_00 18:10

That is a heart he can work with, a heart that's open and honest, even when it doesn't look like the way you think it should. And he doesn't measure the way we measure. I personally would never count that love, but he does. It's like you said, in those moments when you look for his eyes, when you look for him. That is when you ask him for help, that's communion. We always tend to think communion and talking with him has to be a set time, and that it takes the pressure off of us. We don't it doesn't have to look a certain way or like anyone else, it's true relationship.

SPEAKER_01 18:54

That ache and that hunger inside, like even in that season for you, you were missing the relationship before. There was a longing in your heart, there was an ache for that closeness, and it did look different in that season, but that in and of itself is love that you ache to experience and encounter him. That in and of itself is proof there is real love there. He evaluates it very differently because we go by our recent performance. Like we are our harshest critic. If I'm doing well, then he must be happy with me. If I'm not doing well, then he must be disappointed, and he does not evaluate the way man evaluates. He really does see the longing in our heart. Obedience does matter, and it does progress me, so I can't say it's just my intention. But in the season where I'm not strong, what's in my heart matters to him because there'll be another season. Like you've already begun to get a different footing. There'll be another season where I can show him the love I want to show him, but I cannot discount the weak love. Weak love is real love.

SPEAKER_00 20:11

And I've heard this before, and this has stuck with me that in suffering or in pain, we get to experience, we get to experience him in that pain and suffering in a way we never will in eternity because we won't have pain and suffering. So we have a window now, and he is the great high priest, he is our great intercessor, he is the one who came in flesh on earth, has experienced all the human emotions, he's experienced it all, he's well acquainted, he knows, he understands, and that is beautiful. He is with us in it, and he's not scared of it, he's he wants to be in it with us.

SPEAKER_01 21:05

Well, what would you tell leaders who suddenly have a life disruption that suddenly their ministry they're not able to do their ministry in the same way?

SPEAKER_00 21:17

I would ask where truly is my identity when everything is stripped away in a moment for a long time, forever, or just a season, the question to ask yourself, is he really enough? When it's all said and done, is he enough? And by that answer and that dialogue, you can quickly begin to see has my identity been in this or that? And coming back to my identity and who he says and evaluates me as.

SPEAKER_01 22:00

Were once strong and because of life circumstances or whatever, they just grew dull. And they are just they feel far from where they once were.

SPEAKER_00 22:10

I would say be honest. Have the honest dialogue with him. That is a heart he can work with. An open heart is where he comes in, whether it be fear, anxiety, shame, sin. There's nothing, there's no shame too deep that his love cannot come and break in. I mean, in these encounters that I've had with him, it's started with conversation. Me being honest. I didn't come with anything else but all my brokenness. And he's met me. If he's faithful to meet me, he can meet you, surely. And we take him at his word. He who began a good work in me will surely see it to completion. He's the keeper of our hearts, of the garden of our hearts. He's gentle, he's patient, he is good. He's not mean, he's not impatient. He's so loving, he's full of compassion and mercy. That's who he is. He is able to keep me.

SPEAKER_01 23:26

Now, was that moment that you had with the Lord in Abram's room? Was that a turning point for you? Because you started to come into a new season. Was that the moment?

SPEAKER_00 23:36

Yes, I think that was the beginning of my heart softening and pulling away that shame and all that I had carried. That began to unravel. And I feel like my heart became softer and more tender, and my heart was really hungering for him again. And since I was in junior high, I played the piano, and that has been our secret place. That is where I have cried, I've prayed, I've mourned, grieved, I have even celebrated. Like that is our place. And around that time was when I began, just in little moments, the moments that I had available to me. It wasn't every day, but I began to start playing again. And that opened up even more to me, just being home to me with him. That began opening more. And then from then on, I started coming to some sets. Again, not every set, I was not there all the time, but there are some days where I'm like, I'm going to the prayer room today that I could and I could make it. And so I started coming in sets. I was not leading, I was just in the prayer room, and that really was a turning point for me. And in those moments on the piano at that time, I remember just having this scripture continuously in my mind, and I kept praying it, singing it. Um, it's 2 Corinthians 4. Um, we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed. We're perplexed but not driven to despair, we're persecuted but not forsaken, we're struck down but not destroyed, and I felt like I got struck down, and I just felt Jesus like encouraging me and lifting me up, like, hey, let's get back up again. And I just was praying, Lord, give me the grace to get back and run. And I felt the grace to start going back to the prayer room just to visit a few sets here and there. And one time in those, in one of those sets, I was in the room, and y'all were doing the worship with the word in Song of Solomon, and I had this encounter, another encounter with him, and he basically kept affirming this: like, come away, we have more adventure. I am your strength, I want you to come. I will give you the grace. My grace is sufficient for you. And it's like, do I really believe that? But that was another confirmation that I felt that he was pulling me. He was like, hey, hand in hand, let's go.

SPEAKER_01 26:36

So, what was in your heart when you decided to start leading again? Did you just hear the Lord or you just knew it in your heart? Suddenly, you really wanted to.

SPEAKER_00 26:45

I feel like that was part of him picking me up, saying, Let's do one step at a time. And I was like, Lord, I do not want to commit to this if I can't, because I I want to commit if I can. And so he just kept affirming just one step at a time. And so that was when I was like, Okay, talked with Taden. I prayed some more, and I really have felt the past few months a grace to step back up again. I feel um encouraged, and I have a little bit of breath in me that I want to give to time in the prayer as a leader.

SPEAKER_01 27:24

Yeah, I remember the Monday night when you walked backstage and you were like, Okay, I'm ready to be back on Monday nights. And I was like, Yes, thank you, Jesus. Yeah, super excited. We were all excited to have you back in the mix. So, what has it been like being back in sets? Because for a set, you have to come in with a wide open heart and a huge vulnerability to really go where we go. You have to be wide open. So you're stepping back into a place of vulnerability. How has that been?

SPEAKER_00 28:00

It's been a mixture of feeling that shame of what are they gonna think? I have been gone for a whole year. Um, and honestly, I had fear like of that. What do I have to give? I don't have much to show or give, but he truly leads every time. And I know we mentioned this early in the set, but he always finds a way to make things personal in the sets, and I just feel like it it was a challenge at first with the shame, but quickly it began to unravel. Um, because it also began to feel like home. Like there has been some sets recently where we're like, oh, we're back in our flow, like that was such a good set. We felt him do this or say this, we felt this, and it feels like home. It's where I'm meant to be.

SPEAKER_01 28:58

Yeah, to have your heart back in the mix, because in the years of end-time studies, Abram, uh you and I, because of the closeness of studying together, of being really running the same race, the same pace, very tightly knit in those sets. When you would pray, something would open in me. When I would sing, something would open in you, that we just kept spurring each other off because there was such a unity in the path we were on together that was it was unique. It was unique to this day, it is unique. I have not had exactly that with anyone else. So when you were gone, uh, although we have great prayer leaders, I cannot say I've ever been lacking, uh, but it was different because of our journey, it was different. And you coming back, I didn't know if I should even like expect that because it had been a while and it's different. But we slip into those pockets very easy where it is like we're back in the saddle. I'm loving you being back on stage, so yeah, really good job.

SPEAKER_00 30:15

Happy to be back.

SPEAKER_01 30:17

What advice would you tell parents who have babies or kids who would love to be in the prayer room?

SPEAKER_00 30:24

I would say come, bring the babies, bring the kids. Um, we have some tools, we have coloring books or bring what they like books, little Legos, something to keep them entertained so that you can connect with the Lord. Even if it's five minutes, if you want to come for a whole hour or the two hours, and that's another thing I've had to walk through is not so much pressure to stay the whole set. If I can't, because I'm a mom, I have my son. So there have been times where I stayed 20 minutes and I had to go, but that's the beauty of the prayer room. We can come and go as we please. Um, so I say come, bring them. And shameless plug on Monday nights, one of our focuses in the intercession is for families. What perfect way to pray for your family with your family in the prayer room?

SPEAKER_01 31:20

Yes, kids are welcome of all ages, for sure. So I just want you to say a quick prayer over moms, and it could just be overwhelm moms or other people who they have a health crisis themselves. Not necessarily a special needs baby, but they are dealing with their own hair health crisis, or they are a caretaker for someone in a health crisis. Just uh say a prayer from your heart over them.

SPEAKER_00 31:50

Lord, I thank you that you truly see and know every heart. God, you see every mother. You see every person in crisis, in pain, or sick. I thank you that you are faithful. You are the God who is near to the brokenhearted. You are the God who we look to when we need help. Where does our help come from? It comes from the Lord. We look at you, we lift up our eyes. Thank you, Jesus, that you have given us the helper, the Holy Spirit. I ask that you would fill every mom, Lord, with strength in her journey. God, I pray for everyone in crisis, Lord, who is listening. I pray that you would give them strength even now. I pray for hearts to be tendered by your spirit. Lord, would there be moments where they meet you, where you meet them, you lock eyes with them? I pray that you would speak identity over every mom in the trenches of young motherhood. I pray, Lord, that you remind them who they are before your eyes. Speak identity, and I ask for grace and pour your love onto them even now. I thank you that you are the good shepherd. You are the faithful intercessor, great high priest, praying for us that our faith would not fail. I thank you for all that you have done in my life in this story. I pray that you would receive all the glory and honor. In Jesus' name.

unknown 33:31

Amen.

SPEAKER_01 33:32

Well, we're so glad you guys chose to spend time with us today. We hope that this episode was honest and encouraging and helpful. You guys can find us on Facebook under Lafayette Prairie Room. You can find us on Instagram under prayer room lafayette or on our website, lafayettepraeroom.org. So until next time, bye guys.