Choosing Myself Instead

There was a part of me that didn't want to record this episode.

Not because I didn't have anything to say, but because I was in the middle of moving through some really deep grief, emotions, and life changes. And instead of pushing through it, pretending I was okay, or showing up as a version of myself that wasn't real, I chose to honor where I was.

In this episode, I'm sharing what I've been navigating behind the scenes, the grief I've been carrying, and the importance of giving ourselves permission to slow down, feel what needs to be felt, and stop performing for everyone else.

We live in a world that constantly tells us to keep going, keep producing, keep showing up no matter what. But sometimes the most healing thing we can do is create space. Space to breathe. Space to feel. Space to listen to what our heart is actually asking for.

This is an honest conversation about grief, self-compassion, letting go of expectations, and learning to choose ourselves, even when it's uncomfortable.

If you've been moving through a season of change, loss, uncertainty, or simply feeling like you need permission to slow down, this episode is for you.

If you're looking for deeper support on your healing journey, I offer 1:1 Energy Healing Sessions, women's retreats, workshops, and transformational experiences designed to help you reconnect with yourself, release old patterns, and come back to your inner light.

Learn more at peacefulbutterflyhealings.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Run Embodied. I'm Andrea, and I'm so excited you're here. This is a space where we are going to get real. We'll talk about healing, the stories we carry, the patterns that keep us stuck, the courage it takes to use our voice, and what it truly means to choose ourselves. My hope is that every conversation helps you to come back to your own truth, your own power, and your own inner light. So take a deep breath, settle in, and let's dive in.

SPEAKER_01 0:34

Welcome back to Ron Embodied with Andrea.

SPEAKER_00 0:48

And I know that I've touched it on some of the other podcasts, but I think honestly, I just didn't want to fucking show up this week. I felt, I feel like I've been, there was just a huge amount of grief coming through this last week. And I didn't want to fucking show up. I didn't want to like do any of this. I mean, it was like when you have one of those moments in your head and in your heart where you're just like, fuck it, I don't want to do any of this. Like, I just don't want to do any of this. I know it's not my truth, okay? But it has been pretty heavy on my heart this week of, you know, we have in my family really been still processing, you know, the grief of losing my dad. Um and I'm gonna try not to get emotional, but it was really heavy this last week.

SPEAKER_01 1:53

Um like really heavy.

SPEAKER_00 1:56

And I don't know what made this last week heavier than others, but I had gotten this um I went camping with my husband last week, and I got this really strong emotions that come through. And when I work with spirit or anyone's emotions like that, I tend to cry. And this one was really heavy and it came in really quick, and it I just heard, you know, I'm gonna be leaving soon, and that it was time to, you know, just really take care of my mom. And I knew in that moment that it was my dad. And um we actually had a friend kind of check in with him, and he gave us, you know, a beautiful message from, you know, that she gave to us. And so I think that the grief just came in really strong this week. And I think if we don't give ourselves the space, which I did this week, instead of trying to push myself to come on here and to talk and to be online and to do all these things. Instead, I enjoyed the outdoors with my husband, my dogs. I made sure that we've been going out every evening to catch the sunsets. I have been trying to be just more present instead of trying to make sure that I am showing up for everyone else online or anything like that or on the podcast or anything like that. Because if we don't give ourselves the space that we need, then I think that we kind of are abandoning ourselves. And I really deeply needed the space. And for, you know, a second or two, I was like, oh my gosh, I'm letting myself down. I said I really wanted to do this every week. I wanted to record. I know this this is so healing for me to use my voice and to continue to come on here. But if I had to jump on and fake it, then what the fuck is the point? Because at that time, when I usually record, I was feeling so numb and feeling nothing that the it would be a pointless episode. It would have no purpose. And when I woke up this morning, I felt ready to record. And I think really all I want to share is give yourself the space to process your grief. I think it is so important. And I've been really good about processing, but I was actually talking to a friend the other day because I've been canceling things. And I think a part of my perfectionism personality or, you know, listening to too many people outside of myself instead of listening to myself, I would tend to judge myself when I canceled things. Um, I would tend to say that I was failing if I wasn't showing up all the time, if I wasn't being the best friend, if I wasn't being the best daughter, if I wasn't doing all of these things. And all that did was cause so much of my own suffering because I wasn't giving myself the space. And anyway, I was talking to a friend about the fact that I am a manifester and I need a lot of space. And not, I don't know if all manifestors do. I know that we need a lot of rest, but I she was telling me that things in my human design requires a lot of space. And I think that in the past I would have really made up all of these things and you know, told all of these people, like, oh, I'll I'll still show up for you, I'll I'll still do all of these things. And I just can't do that anymore. And I refuse to do it now. Um, I know that when I get to these points where I am needing to be completely N-word, then I need to listen to it. Doesn't mean I need to live there, but it just means that I need to give myself that space and I need to honor myself and my grief and my pain. And I have to also realize which I've caught myself doing a lot of old patterning, is I'm asking too many people like how I should be grieving, or how I should be feeling, or how I should be thinking, or what I should be doing with my time, instead of just listening to myself. And what's been coming up for me in the last couple of weeks, because I was looking so much outside of myself instead of just listening to my heart and realizing, like, dude, I just need to be alone right now. And if that means that I'm not showing up on all of these things to get people to understand what I do in this lifetime, then well, like, oh well. I have put so much pressure on myself in the past to um, you know, am I marketing myself enough? Am I putting myself out there? And since I am shifting from working for somebody and just working for myself, I do get that I need action. Like I am the queen of action. Like I I love creating, I love doing all these things, but I am just deeply still sitting in this um grieving energy. And I get that I'm still moving forward. I've still been creating behind the scenes, I've still been doing these things, but showing up online right now, it just means nothing to me. It means nothing to me. It means like I don't want to get on there and pretend to be happy. I am a happy person. So don't think that I'm like following in the wallers of depth, um, I mean, of darkness, but I just I don't want to show up fake, I guess. I want to show up as authentically me. And right now it just doesn't mean like I just don't want to show up trying to build my business right now. And um, I was talking to my husband the other day, and I just told him, I was like, you know, I think that this summer season is about building behind the scenes and just using my platform for more of like just me living and speaking on this podcast and being just me and showing you who I truly am and what's going on with my life and allowing you to understand and maybe learn something or feel something or whatever from me because right now I'm just in this season of I just like don't care. Like I just don't, I don't want to feel like I'm performing or showing up when I don't fucking want to. And I think that we get to give ourselves permission for this because there's so many die, so many times that I watch so many of my friends and and women in my life, they just kill themselves trying to, I don't know, prove themselves or showing that wanting to show up like all the time, even when they are just dying inside. Um I think we need to change this. We need to start like showing things in a different way, showing our children, showing everyone that we do not need to constantly be on. We do not constantly need to be okay, and we do not constantly need to be performing for everybody. We get to just show up when we can. And yes, a lot of us are mothers. I am as well. So we don't always get to do everything that we want, and we still need to make dinner and go grocery shopping and do these things. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about giving yourself that permission to not do the dishes today, to give yourself that space that you need. I'm telling you that you do not have to go to your friend's birthday party just because everybody else is to, or you do not need to show up at a kid's birthday party just because everybody wants you to. You get to give yourself the space to completely just be. We are continuously, especially as women, making ourselves feel guilty for everything in the universe. And I just don't think that we need to do that. I think it causes so much pain. And then we project that out onto our children or our husbands or our partners or whatever. And it's because we have abandoned ourselves so many times instead of just honoring ourselves. And so when Thursday rolled around and I wanted to record and I felt nothing, and I felt sadness and just numbness and grief and all of these things, I just said, not today. I'm not doing this today. And there's no one that I need to like ask permission outside of myself, like this is gonna be like I'm going to be sabotaged in the universe because I don't show up to talk, that I don't show up online, that I don't show up for everybody every single day. It just, it's just not reality. It's the stories and the programming that we've told ourselves for a really long time that we will not be loved if we are not doing exactly what everyone else wants us to do. And I know that that has been a huge thing that's been coming up for me lately is that I how am I ever going to be able to hold that beautiful space for women the way that I know that I'm meant to, if I am continuously like going through this. And I had to like tell myself the other day, oh my God, because you're good at your job. You are good at your job. And just because some people need to actually hold you for a change and hold space for you and hold space for your crying and hold space for you does not make you a bad person. Oh my gosh, it's been a deep conversation that I've had to have with myself because I am always the one that is holding space for other people. And so to really allow myself to receive and to allow myself to be held and allow myself to cry without beating myself up has been torture the last four months. It has been torture for me to not feel like I'm burdening my best friend or my sister or my mom or my husband or anyone else because I am not okay. And I think that we, especially the women that I know, it's not just myself, we are so hard on ourselves when we are grieving, or that we need someone to take care of us instead of us take care of them, and we need to receive it is the hardest thing I think sometimes for all of us. And I will be the number one person that is so hard on myself when I actually just really need someone to listen to me or be there for me or hold space for me.

SPEAKER_01 13:53

I feel like I need to be on all the time, and I don't I don't need to be on all the time. I get to give myself all the space in the universe that I need. And I do not need to ask a freaking person if it's okay. I get to just do that. Period.

SPEAKER_00 14:28

If you are going through a season, which I feel like so many of us are, that you just don't feel okay, and you don't feel like being seen, and you don't feel like being out every day, you know, helping everybody else, you don't have to. I get that some of us, this is our work, and so it's not like we're gonna stop working, but what I'm saying is you get to give yourself those days if it is just you are really just not okay, and you need that space to just not be okay, then take it.

SPEAKER_01 15:11

Just take it.

SPEAKER_00 15:13

Um, the other pattern that I've noticed though, in the last three weeks is this major urge to want to numb out. So be careful with that because that, you know, that can take over. And then once that does, then you cause all this suffering with where you're gonna call bring in shame and judgment and all of these other things. Like I've definitely been wanting to escape and you know, watch Netflix all day, or stare at my phone too long, or completely just like, let's just go drink, let's go out and have fun. And I have to realize like, I don't want to go out to have fun. I want to go out to numb out. So I have to like find that balance of where things are coming from and how I'm sitting with them. And it's not like I'm drinking every day by any way, by any means, but I've just noticed. And so on those days, I breathe through it and or I cry, or I like when I realize like you're not, you don't really want to go to dinner to have margaritas. You really, really just want to not feel this anymore. You really want to just disengage from this feeling, and that will only help tonight. It's not gonna help you tomorrow. It's gonna make you feel worse. So I've had to witness the days that like I when I actually do just want to go have fun and when and just have like a margarita at dinner or uh at a friend's house or whatever, and when I'm literally wanting to completely disengage instead of feeling what is coming up. And you do it with your phone, you do it with Netflix, you do it with all these other things. It's so easy to disengage instead of just honoring it and allowing it to flow through your body. And on Thursday, like I said, I was like, I literally just don't want to talk. I I really do not want to express myself in any way right now. I just want to cry and be with my family and disengage like just be present. And so that's what I did. Um, like I was saying, I do feel like many of us are in this season right now. I've talked to so many people that I know, so many people that are just feeling like, what the fuck this year? Like, what the fuck? What is this energy? What is this? What is all of these lessons? Why is everything coming up so deeply for all of us right now? And I think that we just get to take it one day at a time and know that some days are going to be so joyful and so amazing, and other days they're just not. And I think we're getting deeply tested how we react when it does happen and how we show up for ourselves and not abandon ourselves and how we stay present instead of constantly wanting to be in the future or the past. Or maybe that's just me. Um because it's been it's been definitely a process of both and trying to stay in that center space and allow myself to just feel it all. Feel, you know, the grief, feel the scarcity, feel the fear, fear, feel all of these emotions all at the same time because you know that is how the creator has always wanted me to experience things pretty much all at once. And so I only wanted to hop on today to just tell you that it's okay, that it's okay that you're having all of these emotions and these feelings, and to really try not to numb yourself out and allow yourself to get, you know, have all the space in the universe that you need. And that it's okay that you don't feel okay. I think we just try so hard to feel okay all the fucking time, and we do not need to be okay. We have a lot coming up for a lot of us, whether it's the new earth that everybody talks about, whether it's this new energy that's coming through, whether it's the earth's frequency, whatever it is. It has been an intense year. And there has been a lot of grief and a lot of sadness, and there's also been a lot of joy. There's been a lot of joy. There has been a lot of beautiful things and stuff, but it just feels different.

SPEAKER_01 19:48

It feels really different.

SPEAKER_00 19:53

And again, there's been a lot of laughter, there's been a lot of beautiful sunsets, there's been already some beautiful memories that has been created this year, but also it has felt heavy.

SPEAKER_01 20:10

It has just felt really heavy.

SPEAKER_00 20:14

So allow yourself to feel all of the things and know that if grief is something that has been coming up a lot for you, allow yourself to feel it without trying to numb it out. Give yourself permission to not speak to people sometimes. And allow yourself to just be and release the shame or the judgment that you have to be on all the effing time for everyone because you do not. You don't. I'm giving you permission. I'm telling you, you don't. You really, really don't. The guilt that we put on ourselves is just it's just so crazy when I watch it, especially in women. And so understand that you get to release the guilt and let people also take care of you. You do not need to be the one always taking care of everyone. Know that they love you and they want to take care of you as much as you want to take care of them. And if you are surrounded by a bunch of people that do not want to do that for you and do not know how to show up for you, oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01 21:30

It's time to shift hanging out with them. All right.

SPEAKER_00 21:37

Well, I'm wishing you all so much love, and I um I'm uh appreciative for this space to be able to share my heart and my grief and my joy and my laughter and all of the different stories and my past and my everything. I'm very grateful for this. I know that this is going to build into something that really allows me to show everyone who I really, really, really am and the most authentic way. Because God, I cannot stand non-authentic authentic people. And I never want to come off as that way. So here I am, just not feeling my fantastic self today. So until next time, I hope you all have a beautiful day. Thank you for being with me today. If you have been enjoying this podcast, I would be so grateful if you would take a moment to subscribe, share it with someone you love, or leave a review. It helps these conversations reach more women who may need this message right now. Thank you for being a part of this community. Until next time, keep shining your light.