I Didn’t Think I Would Survive… | TRC Podcast

In this episode of the TRC Podcast Church Hurt & Church Gain series, Alex shares his deeply personal journey through mental health struggles, loneliness, and healing.

Alex opens up about battling feelings of isolation from a young age and struggling to find a sense of belonging both at school and at home. During high school, the pressure to fit in and emotional pain pushed him into a very dark place.

He courageously shares how his mental health declined over time and how, during one of his lowest moments, his younger sister unknowingly became part of the reason he is still here today.

Alex also talks about how faith, healing, and finding purpose helped him rebuild his life. Today, he actively serves in church, uses his gift in music and worship, and continues to inspire others through his story.

This is a conversation about mental health, identity, hope, faith, and choosing life even in the darkest moments.

🎧 Listen to TRC Podcast on Spotify & Apple Podcasts.

If you are struggling emotionally or mentally, please seek support from someone you trust or a qualified mental health professional.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

My mental health wasn't that good, so I tried suicide uh a number of times. Growing up, all of us I guess, our relatives, our parents don't really take into consideration your mental health when you're growing up. At all, at all. You have to like dug it out every time. So like I feel like people should unlearn that part and actually be intentional with their mental health.

SPEAKER_04 0:27

Another day, another episode. My name is Jamura Wange. And I am Ruth Tengacha.

SPEAKER_06 0:32

It's fun, it's real, it's honest. It's a TRC podcast.

SPEAKER_04 0:52

Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of our Church Hearts Church Gain series. If it's your first time here, please go click the subscribe button and share and like and all of those things. We've been doing this amazing series. We've been talking about God, church heart, church positives, because it's not just only negatives that happen in church. And today we have an amazing guest for this episode, Alex. Hi.

SPEAKER_01 1:16

Hi Ruth. Hi Caro.

SPEAKER_04 1:17

How are you?

SPEAKER_01 1:22

Wantum. Amust.

SPEAKER_04 1:26

A must. Yeah. I'm good.

SPEAKER_01 1:29

Thank you for having me in your podcast today.

SPEAKER_04 1:31

Tell us some tell us something about yourself.

SPEAKER_01 1:38

Um Alex Wanyweke. I'm a student at Cooperative University. Very much unmarried, very much single. Yes. Amazing. I'm friends with Ruth. We go to the same church. Yes.

SPEAKER_04 1:54

Amazing. And uh Ruth Indial invite kuja kwainini. Yes. So, how has your experience been with church? Like, wowele wa wapi we me faiya nini. Like, wait. What?

SPEAKER_06 2:10

Before we start the episode, can people just acknowledge how good we look in this? I know, right? We look so nice. First of all, look at this top. We have matching tops today. Me and Caro. And by the way, our outfits for today are from the bug Kenya. And if you want to get these lovely, lovely tops, they have these types of tops, they have crop tops, they have really cute t-shirts, really cute outfits. And guess what? If you buy from them, they have a promo or 15% of from TRC. So if you go to their page on Instagram, they have their website there. So just click on their website to buy. They have a variety of tops and use the promo code TRC15 to be able to get like these types of cute tops. They have a lot of options. So you can get a promo of 15% if you use the code TRC15, which will be put down here by my director. So you might go get this lovely top. They are sponsoring our clothes for this shoot. Yeah, so thank you, the bug. Thank you so much. Anyway, Alex, how are you doing?

SPEAKER_01 3:09

I'm good.

SPEAKER_06 3:10

How has your experience been with church? If you ever hurt in the church, but I want to know how did you grow up in church?

SPEAKER_01 3:19

Um, when I was growing up, when I was young, like a kid, a toddler, my mother was not that much into church, so we used to move around. And then my dad was brought up in ACK from the word girl. So like it was ACK or nothing else. But then my mother used to like shift us from time to time. So it could bring a bit of confusion. So I never actually knew what was happening. I was a kid. So around 2012, it's then that we agreed, let's settle back to ACK. Okay. And um it was good. It was it has been it has been an experience being brought up in church. And along the way, my mother became a reverend. So mimining total m chungaji.

SPEAKER_06 4:08

PK Pastor's kids. Yeah, so it's a third pastor's kid I'm talking to. Yeah. Kiragu, Abi, you, yeah, Victor. Victor is a pastor's kid.

SPEAKER_01 4:18

I'm not sure. But yeah, my mother became a reverend in the SCK, Diocese of Machakos.

SPEAKER_03 4:25

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 4:25

So yeah, that was me growing up in the church. A lot of things happen when you know, growing up, ungekuna hera church, una hepa mawombi. You just don't want to be associated with Christianity.

SPEAKER_06 4:39

Why?

SPEAKER_01 4:40

When I was a kid, I I was hurt, not by the church, but I felt like Mongol kwa me nikose.

SPEAKER_06 4:50

Really? Yeah. Why?

SPEAKER_01 4:51

Because something happened in our family and I used to question God every time. Why me? Why us? So I used to feel like God has favourites, and I was nowhere close to that list. Nowhere, like nowhere close to that list. So Nilikoa, I used to like Leoniko Church, Keshaw, uh, stuck history mongo.

SPEAKER_06 5:16

And how old were you at this point?

SPEAKER_01 5:18

It was like five or six, round seven.

SPEAKER_06 5:21

And you've already said, I like you, God, and I don't want to be with you anymore. You are cut off the list.

SPEAKER_01 5:27

It was it was hard. But then when I grew up, I came to realize it's not about having favorites. It's all like we have our moments. You have the good times and the bad times. But Pia, I couldn't make years sense at all, at all. So I used to be like on and off and off. And then I used to sing. I sing in church.

SPEAKER_02 5:54

So I do. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:59

So I used to sing. And then Unaimba, you don't feel like you're worship, you know, you're you're not ministering, you're just singing for the sake of singing. So I used to I used to have a conflict with that and God. So when high school, I I kind of matured up and I realized there's more to Christianity than I'm actually seeing or I'm actually allowing to gain. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 6:28

And what did you see?

SPEAKER_01 6:31

When I go to high school, I didn't go to a boys' school in high school at first. I went to a mixed school. The reason I went to this mixed school, I wish that was me. It's because it was an ACK school, ACK sponsored. And the bishop then for Lives of Machakos came to our home and told my mother, I need this kid at this school. So I had to go. Nika and I. Then when you see on Sundays when the Reverends used to come, I'm like, I know this guy, I know these guys. So they actually held me. And now I started growing, like opening my life to learning more from them. So when I learned from them, uh Nikanza kwa exebs, like it's actually nice being a Christian. It's actually good being religious and having that knowledge of God. So I started praying more.

SPEAKER_06 7:33

I can't say nothing in tongues. I can only say good morning, Jesus and good night. That's all I have to offer.

SPEAKER_01 7:40

So I'm trying to bring it back. Yes. So I used to speak in tongues, used to be in the church deep. But then before COVID, I changed school to a boarding school. To a boys' school. Oh yeah. So any kind of self-esteem issues trying to fit in.

SPEAKER_04 8:03

If you're okay mentioning that is how to annual hold your hand, because it's very important, especially for boys, kukona like that father figure who's holding your hand and leading you through things. So if it's if you're okay mentioning and saying thank you to those men, I'm sure it would mean a lot to them.

SPEAKER_01 8:23

I can't remember all their names, but my mom's friends were like Ochungaji, Reverend Jackson, wherever you are. Thank you, man. We were nailed. Because I remember there was a time I actually left home to go and stay with him. Uh-huh. Just to mentor me. It was it was tough.

SPEAKER_04 8:47

Hey, that was nice. I wish I had that. I had a mentor. Like they are learning so many things from this person. Like I I wish I had that anyway. To make sure I pick up past that age, you can still have a mentor.

SPEAKER_06 9:08

Really? You have a mentor. I was talking to Tupac and he took me to one of his mentors and told me, like, this person mentors me here. You can have a mentor, even on your 40, you could have an 80-year-old mentor. You can have a mentor at any age.

SPEAKER_04 9:19

I'm looking for a mentor, guys.

SPEAKER_06 9:21

Caro is looking for a mentor.

SPEAKER_01 9:23

Drop your CVs. Drop your CVs.

SPEAKER_04 9:27

And at what point do you remember going from religion to relationship? Because Nilikuja, those two are very different things. Like you can be religious, unongues to read a god and whatever, but having that relationship with God as your father, as your friend, how did that happen for you?

SPEAKER_01 9:47

I was religious, but the moment that Nili feel I have I need to have a relationship with God was 2024. 2024 Nile. I was there in the pits. So I decided, you know what? I have to go to church. Before that, I never used to go to church. When I went to university, I never used to go to church. But 2024, nikakai visko moja, I'm like, you know what? I'm going to church. Let me just go to church. 2024 I used to go to church daily. Monday to Sunday. Monday to Sunday.

SPEAKER_06 10:29

Monday to Sunday?

SPEAKER_01 10:30

Every day.

SPEAKER_06 10:30

Hey, what had happened?

SPEAKER_01 10:36

Uh mental health. My mental health wasn't that good. So I ended up trying, you know.

SPEAKER_06 10:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:46

Vitu Vitu Mungo Kubalishi.

SPEAKER_06 10:49

Trying what? Ms. Shika?

SPEAKER_01 10:52

I I tried suicide a number of times. And uh my friends, my close friends tried to talk me out of it and I was like, me missy lewik to mnaniambia. Yeah. So then nika nika sema, I need to go back to God. Because I can't do this alone. Because auto wakambia, and you're like, I make sense. So let me just go to church. Let me listen. Let me talk to God. Ilifika point nika.

SPEAKER_06 11:28

Can I say something? I've just thought about this. This book I'm reading by Apostle Family Lazarus. It's called Scent of Water. If anyone can get this book, get your hands on it. And this book walikwa nasema that goada natakanga ufikye point in you have no other option but team. That's actually where he wants you. Not because he wants to punish you or because he hates you, but because so that he can help you himself. And sometimes us as people, not even Christians, people, we always think we are doing things by our own power. Just in the morning, right now, I was crying. A few minutes ago, I was crying before I shot this. And I was feeling six minutes ago, literally, by the way. And I was telling Caro me, I don't know if I can be able to do this. And then Caro told me, like, you think you're doing this by your own power. It's not you who's doing this, it's God who's in charge of everything. And in this book, they were saying that's rather saying that God wants you to be in a place where umisho so that he can start. He wants you at your end so that you are at his beginning. So every time that you feel like you're at your end, the audience, in fact, that's the best place to be. Be at your end. You may drop a bar. Be at your end so that God can be at his beginning. Be at your end. And then him, he has his beginning there. Even now I'm at my head. I'm in my head. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:40

But finding yourself in that position, uh, it's not easy. It's not, it's not for it's not for the weak. Because I remember the first day I came to church, I approached Abhi after church. Abi has been here, right? Yeah. I approached Abhi after church and I told her, I want to sing, I want to like join the present worship. Because I failed sina purpose. So I was trying to find a purpose. And then when I came to church first Sunday, talked to Abhi, I started singing from the next Sunday. And I'd say that's the best thing that has ever happened in my life for the last two years.

SPEAKER_02 13:17

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 13:18

Honestly. Because Unaka gave me Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Sunday tafikalini. I need to go to church. Yeah, so I used to I I've I've enjoyed that period that I've been going to church. And I have amazing friends in church, by the way.

SPEAKER_03 13:34

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 13:36

Church is really good, and especially if you find a church where there's a community and there's everything. Kami, the church that I've been going to for the past like um three years, it has been such a change for me in my life. I felt so home, homely. I as a mini liku nago janga nicolak nikitoka shudder nic like. I think it's Sunday. I need to go see Aki na leg.

SPEAKER_04 13:53

Yeah, yeah. You guys church is amazing. And the community especially.

SPEAKER_01 14:00

Because there was a time last year, uh the better part of last year, church will go na toka church 5 or 6 June.

SPEAKER_06 14:08

Tulukunenda to na must have a story.

SPEAKER_04 14:18

Life is worth it.

SPEAKER_01 14:26

We were praying with Victor like but it is it's always fun.

SPEAKER_04 14:38

Unako refresh. Unako refreshed. And yeah, I was telling my friends at home. I have like an amazing group of friends at home. And then when you charge it, it becomes green by the time it's 90%. Like that's how it feels hanging out with friends and good friends. Still friends or take friends, okay, wanakutesa, please get out of that. But if they are good, God-given friends, they literally charge you up energy for the next two weeks before muanane ten.

SPEAKER_06 15:08

So, Alex, let me take you back a bit. You said that there are some things that made you want to commit suicide, and like there were very heavy things that made you go to church from Monday to Sunday. Could you maybe tell us exactly what happened to you that you are like, I'm quite done?

SPEAKER_01 15:25

So, uh my my story about suicide started back in high school when I had my first attempt. In high school when Mumbai, when I changed to schools, nearly lose like your sense of belonging. So I was trying to find, I was trying to fit in everywhere. In school, at home. So when I I used to go home, my mom used to like, no, you're a failure. You know, that African mother thing. So I used to like feel uh stuck with home who who wants me. So now I did one day I decided, you know what, let me just at least they'll feel like I'm needed somewhere. So Niko home, Nika Chikua Tay Yango Yashule High School. So when I was choking, my sister found me, my small sister. Thank you by there, you saved my life. Uh and then my mother came running. So akaniwa, and I'm like, wow, I was really going. So that was the first time I tried suicide because I always felt like sick, I'm not needed. So I was trying to find myself that purpose of actually living. The second time it was 2024. 2024, 2024, Pia, I faced self-esteem issues, and you know, Nikafta two vitamins distracts, drugs, and all. And then one day I I decided let me find a relationship. So I I got into a relationship, but then it didn't work out. And then, you know, in a gile point in life, so everything comes crumbling down. So na kumbuka, what you've not achieved, all that, all that pressure, and me being the only son to my mother. So pressure, a man has to do this, a man has to do that. So I used to feel so much pressured when in life. No missy first thugs, even in the next life, don't so I used to feel that pressure of being the only son. And um, I used to try as much as possible to like fit in and find papers, make it in life. I was weird. So when everything started like failing, it I had a relapse because of the depression I had in high school. Nika relapse. So my friend, one of my good friends, Serena, wherever you are, thank you. Uh Akajaribuk, Akajaribuku Nangalesha, because in high school she's the one who nearly I managed to pull through it. So she came to talk to me. We went away for a week. I remember we went to Sagana for a week just to talk and like unpack everything. So Nika unpack Nika Rudi. So Ika Ika call like um um nine. That was October 2024. So I decided let me just go to church November. So I went first before I went to church, I went to Gen Z Love Jesus, the one who was in current. I prayed to God that day. No, it's enough. Now I I need you. At this point, see easy. So you know what? Go back to church. So the next Sunday, me see hard. So when I go to church, will I really belong? Will I find that purpose? That day when I immediately go to church, I found people singing, and I'm like, I remembered, you know what, you can also sing. So yeah, Nika decided to worship team. And after that it was one good thing after the other. And then early 2025, Ruth. And if you know Ruth, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 19:54

Same WhatsApp.

SPEAKER_01 19:55

Same WhatsApp group. So you Ruth and Kwaga na atakutetesha kuanza before kwambeso sa what to do. So now Ruth, Ruth and the other friends became now my my pillars. Uh, every day, Nikenda Shula, out of school, church, Sunday, church. Yeah, so that was it. So you see, life difficulties can push someone to a place that uko kabisa. Yeah. Yeah. And then school, trying to find Papa's job, all that in uh in our in a maleism to be by a son. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 20:36

Can I tell you something? You know what? The devil is alive, and so is his mother-in-law. Because you know what's funny? You're explaining this story of how you are feeling that way about yourself, and we tend to feel that way about ourselves a lot, where you think that you are not worthy and everything. And I was listening to at best kept secret podcasts to go to Menda Walkwana Sema as human beings, we have a void in our heart, in our body that only God can fill. Sometimes we try to fill it with drugs, we try to fill it with relationships, but it's only God who can fill that void. And you've said something about where you felt like you are not worthy, because sometimes the devil and gear watuana wam, and I can be tell this person you're afraid and all that, and sometimes even people's personal choices. But you know, from the moment that I saw you, even up to today, you do not know how much value I see in you. Like I normally look at you and I'm like, look at that guy who can sing, and he's so handsome. I wish you were my age, but I'll be patient for my own. You know what I mean? And I normally look at you and I think that there are not many guys who would think I have school and I want to go sing for God. Not everybody would do that, and I don't want you to ever feel that way about yourself. Find your identity in Christ. Alex, you don't know how much I value you. I really, I really, I really think about you a lot. I I you're a really great person, you're a great friend, and you've helped me a lot, also. So sometimes I can tell you something that I told my viewers on TikTok, which my therapist told us. Tells me that practice gratitude journaling. Every time that you're spiraling and you feel like there is nothing that you've achieved, guess what? You are finished form four and now you're in uni and you're in third year. Not everybody finishes form four. Sometimes people have school fees and they are not able to finish school. Other people are our age and they are sick, they are in hospitals, you're not sick, Alex. You are in school, you are singing in church. And if you can sing for God, you know one thing about God, see a tiawanagi kaze newotu na fanya. You know in the book of Nehemiah, kunapatenye like San Balat and Tobiya walikwana kuja kuatak nehemiaya, na nehemia luku mefanya kazimingi. Mungu nehemiaya kanbia mungu. Are you sing what we are doing to me? You see, and sometimes God attaya pia kambiya mungu. Because wabu nafanya watu wako kazi, don't forget me. You see. So, God sees so much value in you, Alex. And not many people are doing what you're doing. So I want you today, Unajanolingi, just go and write down everything that you are grateful for. Because even friendships that you have, even having a family, even having a mom, you know. I was talking to like this lady who normally comes to clean my house. Alika Nembe, like her mom is alive, and her mom is like in her 90s, and her, she's alive. She has both parents. Other people don't have both parents. You have your parents, you have your family, and all of that. We are all blessed differently. And don't let the enemy come and tell you that you're not worthy. And every time you feel that way, even you, even everybody can call my phone. And I'll be here to encourage you anything. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:26

Uh but there, your time, that time when I was having like easy issues, it's the same time I met Ruth actually. Nayot, the someone I was the one I was with relationship told me I have issues. I should fix my issues. So nikambia Ruth. Ruth alin tete.

SPEAKER_06 23:50

With love.

SPEAKER_01 23:52

Yeah, so that's that's the point when I decided, you know what they don't define you. What people think, don't define you. Yeah. And that's when I realized you need God. Before anything else, you need God. And even in your relationships, uni touch God. Be like God.

SPEAKER_06 24:09

Psalms 127. If you do anything without God, you labor in vain.

SPEAKER_04 24:13

Yeah. And I think also like realization ni likuja ku have, because ni fire psychology. Who wanna categorize God? Na God might care about my health. God might care about my relationship. God might care about my kids. Lakini fuck mental health. Ah, you are jolly. He's too busy for all that, you know. But God cares about everyone. Killa kituye yina involve my shy, na ku affect directly. Atakama ni yokaki is getting lost. Everything. He cares about every little thing. Like, atani on like, okay if I have psychology, you also need to have God. Because I only watutawa mungu na dil now, you know. So even him reminding you that at your aspect your mental health, he cares about it just as much as he cares about the job, the singing, the church.

SPEAKER_01 25:02

But I feel like people should unlearn a lot of stuff Zenyomifunzo na society. Yeah. Cause growing up, all of us, I guess, our relatives, our parents don't really take into consideration your mental health when you're growing up. Nope. At all, at all. You have to like dug it out every time. So like I feel like people should unlearn that part and actually be intentional with their mental health. It being mental health month, I feel like people should actually take their time, go for walks, and a karura kimbiya, tembeya, just be intentional with yourself. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 25:41

I think most of the times kunakwanga nayo discrepancy in terms of mental health because of like generational issues. Unaja like if you tell a Gen X about mental health, wanasemanga, wuna se mania, but you know, for example, like there's somebody that I was talking to quite a while a while back, and like when I was talking about my abuse that I went through as a child, I see Pia C C Ly to Fany Kia. What makes you so special? And it's like for them, how they are I don't know if this is wrong to say, but they are so conditioned to suffering.

SPEAKER_03 26:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 26:10

They're so conditioned to suffering that it's okay. So to them, even things to do with mental health, our only the benefit. So it's like more of a generational issue. Yeah, it's like CCC to Nona, this has made us behave like this and this like this, and we are prone to fixing problems. I was looking at a hierarchy online. That Gen X, they don't question anything. For millennials, you tell them jump, then they say how high. And for Gen Z, you tell them jump, why? Why? You know, jump like to wear. Gen X, they'll be like, they don't question anything. For millennials, you'll tell them jump, they go, how high. And then for Gen Z, you tell them jump, they tell you why am I jumping? Yeah. For why? To wear. I need to understand the reason I'm jumping and the the consequence of the jumping. So in a Sumbuanga sara, it's because Unapata, like, how and we're not blaming them on anything. They didn't have access to what we have right now. So for them, it's like Unapata, like, even like Unapata 50, and they never really pursued their goals because of fear. Because they never had anybody to encourage them, they would remain in the same position that they were. Or, for example, you find them like Gen X, they stay in abusive situations because they care about what are people going to say, or you're going to embarrass yourself in front of people.

SPEAKER_05 27:28

I could care less what everybody's going to think of your business. It has nothing to do with me.

SPEAKER_04 27:38

It's okay. But you know what I love? The fact that nikitou inner change, like the fact that kuna millennials who have kids right now, emergencies who have kids right now, and they are so different with how they are bringing up their kids. So different. Like Niliona, a guy online, like Alikoana Funza, his son, like boxing, iliko boxing Amagos for one of them. And the dad like yelled at the son, and the son was like, I understand. And it's a small boy. Like, dad, I understand why you want to, you you need to yell at me, but don't yell at me. Like, don't go past volume five. Just yell at me at number four or number five. And I was like, Mtoto wa pip too. And I said, Alpha. And and the dad was like, okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's okay. Like, I understand you need to yell at me, but don't go to volume six. Just stay here. And I'm like, that little boy understands that and I don't like this, I don't like this, you know. Like it's going to be so different for our kids.

SPEAKER_01 28:36

If you dad question your parents.

SPEAKER_06 28:38

You're an invita, my friend. If you question, the only word they ever use against you.

SPEAKER_04 28:50

Disrespectful. What do they say? You're disrespectful. What do they say? You're uh disrespectful child.

SPEAKER_01 29:00

There's a name, my mother used to you're rebellious.

SPEAKER_06 29:03

Oh that word.

SPEAKER_01 29:05

I hate that word until today.

SPEAKER_06 29:07

Because sometimes it's a matter of like control, and once you want to come out of that control. Me, the number of times I've been told I'm disrespectful. And I'm gonna okay.

SPEAKER_04 29:17

It's okay. Um, but okay, muliza swali. Natalisa kujo liza ku baya ako lego numa yo no mecha kumba taka kunitusi. I've just asked you questioning intelligence. Like nobody literally said that you projected. I never said that. Like, I just want the answer.

SPEAKER_01 29:41

No, gonna pent up anger. Inokwagini kimko je vi ta ikwa. In the very project on a penaku project.

SPEAKER_04 29:49

Yeah. But you know what? Mungwaliwaoumba, we love them regardless. But I also love the the small um part of that generation when you wame learn. Like genuinely, like wame learn wame change will wana approach situations. Like my mom, we're neza chetea madam Mary Kabisa. We are we catching a ka learn from a psychology degree. Here and here we are changing, like we can have an actual conversation, you know. I love that for them.

SPEAKER_06 30:16

So, Alex, you've told us from your experience that they are you've not been hurt in the church, which is lovely. Um, I wanted you to tell us like one funny thing that has ever happened to you in your journey with God. Because we were discussing a few minutes ago, and I was telling you, Aki when people hear, normally hear the story when I wanna lie. You are in your like if you are someone when you mungafuta, and a kut he always does. So tell me that story that I know, but you have to tell the audience. It's really interesting.

SPEAKER_01 30:50

So when I was when I was in high school for form 4, that um when we were doing our km the second week, the end of the second week that was Friday. So basically that was the last Friday in high school for me. So me and my friends decided let's get booze, you know, in school. So it's cool, never had fans, they are the Ukochini. So now it was easier for you to sneak out and come back. That's besides the point. So after we were drunk and all, I decided to pray for people. It was it was hectic, that was funny.

SPEAKER_04 31:51

Because what is that? That will never not be funny to me.

SPEAKER_01 32:04

But uh was the epitome of my high school, because it's the last second you pull something like that. Yeah, the old dome. My friends never let me rest with that until today. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 32:23

Hey, that's fine, Yankee.

SPEAKER_01 32:25

Yeah. But but ilko if it totally same.

SPEAKER_04 32:30

I mean that was one way of getting the gospel to them.

SPEAKER_01 32:33

Yeah, and uh when I go to campus, but funny enough if if if you've been to campus and you know you've been to the CU, Zashule, you know that place is full of hypocrites. Really? Why?

SPEAKER_06 32:54

Explain.

SPEAKER_01 32:55

So Ya Koopa Cooperative. Um when I got there, I I was never into church, but then I met a friend. She told me, you know what, you have to come. You have to like come really pray with us. Yeah. But then I didn't feel that connection because while I hang out in creeks they used to think they are righteous than you are. So when you when you when you're with them, you're you're an outcast because maybe you you don't relate to what they are doing or you're not in the same level of spirituality. So I used to feel like, why will you welcome me to a place you know that I'm not welcome? Yeah. You invite me and then you're not welcoming me. It's it's two different things. You can invite a person and not welcome them. So I just decided one day, you know what? I'm not doing this. It was after I actually I I once sang in Siriakopa before I came to ACK. And after that, I was like, I can't do this. These people are hypocrites. Yes, they say they are religious, but they are not that as as much as they say they are. Yeah, so Nikamoto turned two different ways.

SPEAKER_06 34:18

I'm so sorry about that. I feel like me nezasema to me, this is my uh my my my opinion. Me, I don't think it's it's it's don't look for religion with God. Just look for relationship, just make him your friend. And yeah, that's a simple way to do things. Because sometimes you can literally see when people are saying that they left the church, they've been so pained there. Like their stories are so graphic, and sometimes we in a kwanga like I always pray for the grace and mercy of God. Yeah. Because you could like to it's because of you attack it enamu. Like we may misrepresent God to the person, you know.

SPEAKER_01 35:15

Because I was reading something on Substack yesterday, and I saw someone say that the reason they hate church is because they uh God was misinterpreted. So it feels weird or an unrealistic to have to welcome people in church and misrepresent God. Because you make people on a chukia canisa because of maybe something you'd have done different or something you'd have said different.

SPEAKER_06 35:47

But me, something that I always constantly emphasize is the character of a human being is not the character of God. Because sometimes people tend to mix the two, and it's like it's okay. Sometimes, like somebody's a, for example, a pastor or whoever, they've hurt someone in the church. Me, I don't mean because I've hurt so many times, like countless. You know what I mean? But like when you form a relationship with God, you'll be able to filter those things about what people are doing. But sometimes it's also very difficult to filter. That's why sometimes it's just good to call upon the grace and the mercy of God. To like, hey, kwa canisa, na kwanga ningumu.

SPEAKER_01 36:23

God and a pega killam two purpose in life. Everybody has a purpose, everybody has a goal. I I I have this friend, she meet a friend, but I saw someone Aliacha could believe in God because one of her friends died. And I I I I I don't think I'm in the position here to ex to really tell her that it's not God. God does not choose the good or the bad of a person. And if someone's purpose in life, email, there's that. You people need to rest. But then living God because you lost someone it's quite difficult. But I hope God.

SPEAKER_04 37:09

I hope I think it's an attack of psychology ni grief. That has to be the hardest thing to deal with, like in therapy because your heartbreak, ama your parents, am a relationship. That's okay, we can deal with that. But grief is like something that's never going to go away. So they're angry at God because of that pain, your grief. I do get them. But we are niko, like, eh, mungu, just show yourself to this person, so obviously, no m comfort sana because what else are you going to do, you know? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:51

Grief will never end, actually. Never mind. That's the hard part. It's it's basically unrequited love. You see the love you have for a person and you don't know where it ends up after a manda. So it will never end. You just have to accept that. Kunezo moments. Ten years later, 20 years later, you'll still have those moments when you are like, I wish, I wish.

SPEAKER_06 38:11

Grief never ends. Imagine because you'll go somewhere and you you you see something and then you're back to square one. Like for me, naivas chicken affect Sana. When I go to Naivas and I see the chicken there, I feel bad. That's because we used to buy Naivas chicken with my mom. Or like chapo from Naivas or like sausages.

SPEAKER_04 38:37

I remember you told me about the chicken thing I tried last time.

SPEAKER_01 38:43

There's a time I lost a close person in our family. There's a hotel until date I hate. Because I say I could talk a job every day. I took a car used to bring me fries when I was a kid from that same hotel. And I used to love those fries. But then when he left, so I cut ties with fries. I don't like fries as much as I used to. Yeah, so grief will never end. You just have to cope with it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 39:10

Yeah, definitely. And have God hold you through it because that has to be the most painful thing. I don't know if you let me under from from Sidrini to FK grief to mend, church to manda. But yeah. So Alex, as we wind up, I would just like to to ask you if you could speak to the 16, 17-year-old Alex, who was thinking about suicide, who was attempting, who was uh deep in the gutters in their mental health, who didn't consider God in anything, uh what would this Alex say to that, Alex?

SPEAKER_01 39:45

Uh I'd say to my 16-year-old self, I'd say, you're worth, you you'll find purpose, and life is worth the living because everything gets better at the end. You might not see it at first, but at the end of it all, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Yes. At first, a light from afar starts it's dim. But as you get closer, it's brighter. So yeah, it gets better.

SPEAKER_04 40:14

You think he would be proud of you?

SPEAKER_01 40:16

Yeah. He definitely would be able to do that. Definitely, definitely would.

SPEAKER_04 40:20

Definitely would. And we are so proud of you. The fact that you're still here, you're still pushing, we're still living life, una summer, church, una to be a talent to serve God.

SPEAKER_02 40:31

That is amazing.

SPEAKER_04 40:35

Yes. So thank you so much for coming on. Thank you so much for opening up because that takes a lot of strength. And thank God that you're still here today. Yeah, yeah, I thank Him every day.

SPEAKER_01 40:47

Definitely. Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_06 40:49

You still have a lot of things to do, you still have a lot of places to be. God has a purpose for you in your life. Sometimes you're not taking time before you discover your purpose. But I think it's quit till you finish that assignment. Yeah, of course. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:06

And everything works out with the everything works out.

SPEAKER_06 41:09

It works out. It all works out at the end of the day. And after don't ever feel a point to go like feel hopeless. What else can you do? Yeah. Thank you so much, everyone, for watching that episode. We are really so happy. We are thankful for everything that you've done for us. Continue subscribing, continue supporting, liking, and sharing our content. We hope to see you soon again. Bye.