Accepting, Opening up and Inner Growth - Lee

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to the Amjits podcast, the How I Survived series. In these mental health episodes, I'm creating a space for real conversations about the things we often keep to ourselves, our struggles, our healing, and the stories that shape who we are. Hello, thank you so much for joining me today on another mental health discussion. Um, Lee, welcome to the podcast. Before we begin, can you give yourself a little introduction?

SPEAKER_01 0:34

Hello, my name's Lee. I'm um from the UK and I am a podcast host. I've got two channels. Uh I'm filled with wrestling and always confused. You can find me on YouTube and TikTok.

SPEAKER_00 0:46

Okay, awesome. So the goal of this podcast is to talk about um personal stories about mental health. What is your story like? Is mental health something that you struggle with?

SPEAKER_01 0:58

Yeah, so my um mental health journey sort of started about six years ago because my wife suffered a stroke at the age of 33, and um it affected like her frontal lobe, uh, which is personality change. She got no feeling left side of her body and stuff. So we had to adapt. And it's really weird because it's it's like losing someone you fell in love with while learning to fall in love with a new person while they're still there, and it just really mucked up in my head, and I um got very angry, sort of with the world, because I thought I want things to go back like they used to be. Like, why has this happened to us? Why has this happened to us at such a young age? And um, what I did, I went and seeked uh counselling, and that was quite good, and then I've been alright for the last four or five years. Then back in November I got diagnosed with diabetes, and that sort of hit me because like I'm the person looking after my wife and my family now, all of a sudden I'm ill, and my mental health has um really dipped again, and I find myself in low points and stuff, and I've gone back to seeking therapy, but it seemed to take a bit longer than I wanted it to to sort of get myself out of it.

SPEAKER_00 2:12

Well, um, I'm sorry about what happened to your wife. That must have affected you quite a bit. Um, you mentioned you had access to therapy. Um, in what ways was therapy helpful? And do you still struggle from time to time?

SPEAKER_01 2:28

Yeah, like I said, I'm um struggling at the moment, so I'm actually in therapy again now. And um, at first I was quite resistant to therapy because of um I'm a trained counsellor myself, I'm a level four counselor for the work I was doing where I was working with young people in schools. I sort of was getting annoyed with myself because I understood what I was feeling and why I was feeding it, and I understood what I should have been doing. But as they say with cancelling, you can't cancel yourself or you can't cancel loved ones, and that's because um you're emotionally involved. And it got to a point with my first lot of sessions, and the bloke just said, Look, why don't you just live in the like the present? Why don't you just live in the moment? And I sort of sat there and said to him, but what if the moment's rubbish? Because obviously things at home's hard and stuff like that. And he said, No, what I mean by that is you can't get back yesterday, like you could have the best day of your life, or you could have the worst day of your life. Like you could have gone to a beach and it could have been fantastic and it was the best experience ever. But if you went back to that same beach, the wind might be different, or there might not be as much sunlight, and that can change your experience, so you're not getting that back. And as for tomorrow, you don't know what's coming, so you might as well just be here now, and that seems to really help. So, what I tend to try and do is every day, like when I go to bed, that's my day over, good or bad, and the next day is the new day. So you're not then lingering on things because that's what I find a lot of the time with emotion is, and why you can get anxious or you can catastrophise things is because the past experiences and you you know the way it feels. So if you just try and sort of live in the moment, and then the next day's your new moment, that can tend to make things a lot easier. But like I said, I've dipped again uh the last couple of months and talking to a therapist again, and that seems to be helping. I sort of, it was better this time around because I recognised that I needed help and I was more open to finding someone where, like I said last time, I was very resistant. So um, yes, it is still ongoing and it's getting better, but every day is a challenge, and that's what therapists are there to do. Um, it's always good to have a good therapist that you get on with, and it's okay if you meet with someone and they're not for you. It's about what works for you. There's not a one glove that fits all for people. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:59

Yeah, it's difficult at first to accept help. Um, but once you allow it, it can truly make a big difference. I love how your therapist said to enjoy the moment because honestly, tomorrow isn't promised. Um, of course it's easier said than done, but it's great that you've been putting the work on yourself. Um, what's one small change you've noticed in yourself since you started this journey?

SPEAKER_01 5:26

I think one of the biggest changes was I sort of used to linger on things. So if something like happened on a Monday, I'd still be annoyed about it on a Friday. And sort of being more present than in the moment, it sort of makes me realise like that doesn't really matter now. You've got through that day to about now, and stop looking back at that's happened, good or bad, as I keep saying. So it's just about getting through the moment and then moving on and doing better tomorrow. If you can do one percent better the next day than what you did the day before, over a year you you're gonna improve like 365%. So it's always about not lingering on and holding on to things, just got to learn to let it go because it's happened. You can't change it, so why get angry or get annoyed or get frustrated about it? And it's true what um you hear as well. Like people do say you've always lived through your worst day because when something happens, you sit there and think, Oh, this is the worst time of my life ever. But then you seem to get through it, and months later, years later, an hour later, something worse might happen, and then you get through that. So you've never lived through your worst day. So yeah, that's the main change that I've noticed is I don't seem to hold on to things as long as I used to. Like I used to get annoyed and frustrated about something happening, and then just it would sit with me for days and weeks. So that's a real big change that I've noticed, and something that's very helpful.

SPEAKER_00 7:02

Well said. Um, yeah, in my opinion, holding a grudge can definitely limit us. Obviously, it takes some work, but the idea of letting go of things that are bothersome, it's like you can feel like a big relief. Um, this actually reminds me of how forgiving works. Do you think forgiving someone is more about them or more about giving yourself peace? Because I know everyone has their own view on that. I'm just curious about what you think.

SPEAKER_01 7:31

Yeah, no, definitely. I think forgiving someone gives you peace because if they're not ready to accept your forgiveness or your apology or your sorry, at least you've made that effort. So I think, yeah, forgiveness is definitely good for your peace of mind. Other than when it comes to yourself, I think. I think sometimes we find it really hard to forgive ourselves. Like we think of mental health as quite a negative thing, but we've got to remember that mental health is like body health. So we have good times and we have bad times. So if you get sick in your body, you go and see a doctor, or if you break a bone, you go to the hospital. Where if you've got poor mental health, you seem to feel like you're alone and you're isolated, and you get annoyed and frustrated with yourself because you feel like you're different, or why has it happened to you? So I feel like, yeah, forgiveness to others is definitely a good piece for yourself. They may not be ready to accept it, and that's okay as well. But I've also think we've got to start learning to forgive ourselves for our thoughts and our feelings because that's okay too. Like, it's okay, we've got a saying here in the UK, it's okay not to be okay, and I think we've just got to remember that, and we've also got to remember, but it's also okay to be okay because if you're feeling down in your mental health, you can look at someone who's not having a negative mental health issue, and then you can start feeling a bit of resentment towards them because you're thinking, Why are they okay? But I'm not. So, yeah, forgiveness is a very big part of life actually, and yeah, it's it's the point at peace uh with yourself when you try and give forgiveness to others, but I think we've all got to learn to start forgiving ourselves as well.

SPEAKER_00 9:27

Well, I love a quote, it's okay not to be okay, especially mentally, because it allows people to feel vulnerable and actually also to get the help they need, right? Um, I'm curious, how has your family and friends' reaction been in terms of your mental journey? Have they been understanding at all?

SPEAKER_01 9:47

So my wife's been very understanding, because obviously she knows that I'm struggling with the situation, which is nice, but not because she's got her own things going on, and I sort of feel like I need to be there. But we do work together to try to help each other. Um, I have parents sort of that live far away and stuff, so we speak on the phone and that, but I haven't really opened up to them yet. I think I'm trying to sort of get myself sorted before I sort of say to them, like, this is my journey. I don't know why, because I think they would be really helping supporting, but I think because I'm like in my 40s and I've got my own children, I sort of still feel that bit of stigma, I've got to do it alone. So I don't actually know why I haven't opened up to my parents to explain like I'm struggling a bit with my mental health and I'm seeking therapy because I don't actually think anything would be wrong with it. Um, and again, sort of friends-wise, I've sort of since this happened to my wife, we've sort of become a bit more withdrawn because we've got a lot of issues going on and stuff like that that I sort of put on a braver face to my friends, like my close friends know, and they're quite supportive and bangling me up and say the phone's always there if I need to speak to them, but it's not something I sort of go around and sort of say to everyone because like doing something like this I don't mind speaking to, because in a way it's it's networking with people, and I'm hoping that something I say resonates with someone else and can help them. Where sort of with my friends, I don't know if it would help them, and it's not something I really want to put on them, but maybe that's an issue with me, so maybe that's something I need to look into more because if I'm sitting here saying yeah, you need to reach out, it's okay to reach out, but then if I look deeper, I'm not really reaching out to my inner circle. So that's actually made me think, and maybe that's something I've got to work on for myself.

SPEAKER_00 11:49

Yeah, in a way it's scary to open up because it's not really talked about. Um, like even though family can be loving, there is sometimes a certain shame around it. Um, and this is something that affects anyone who struggles with mental health. Um, do you think that fear of judgment is what holds the most people back from opening up?

SPEAKER_01 12:11

Oh, 100%. I agree with you. I think there's a lot of shame around negative mental health, and that's like what I was saying earlier. Like, we've got to remember it's just like body health, we're gonna have good and bad times. And I also think like within my work, I've sort of support young people, so I have to sort of be there for them and be the person to look up to, and the same sort of with my family, like my wife's ill, I've got children, so I'm the one that's gotta be the support one. So if I then show that I'm struggling myself with mental health, then I fear that I get judged upon. Well, how can I support others when I can't help myself? So, yeah, it's it's been in that negative mindset, and I think that's the problem when you're in a negative mental health headspace, everything's negative. So the fear kicks in about opening up to others, but like you said, to be honest, like people will want to be there and help. And I know it would be hard with family because sometimes they tell you what you want to hear, and that's not always helpful. Sometimes you just need someone that you're able to sound off to, but someone to sort of say to you, right, this is what we need to do to fix it, not what you usually get from a family game member. You either get it go two ways, and it's oh, I'm here for you, just tell me what you need, and you're like, Well, I'm reaching out because I don't know what I need, or secondly, you get it where you are judged, and a lot of people sort of sit there and say, I don't really care if people judge me, but I think deep down we all actually care about what other people think of us, and especially our family and our closer friends, they're the main people that we want to sort of like us, so yeah, if you're in a sort of negative headspace, then you you feel like something's wrong with you, and you feel like you're gonna be judged, not in a good light, so it's just easier sometimes not to say anything. So, yeah, that's a very good point.

SPEAKER_00 14:16

Yeah, well said. Um, do you think wanting to be liked can sometimes make us prioritize others' expectations over our own well-being?

SPEAKER_01 14:28

Oh, yeah, definitely, 100%. I think sometimes we go into situations and we act up to what we expect others to think we should be like. So we're not always our authentic self, and I think sometimes that could be very draining. So, like I said, I worked in education the last 20 years, and I've worked with young people with um S End needs, and the expectation on how you've got to be because you've been a role model and stuff, can sometimes be a deprivate to yourself, and I think that's again why I'm struggling with my mental health a bit now. Because of my situation and stuff, unfortunately, I was let go from my work in February, and now I've sort of had time to sit with myself, and it's working out like actually, who am I? Because of for 20 years I've spent every day going in as Mr. Parks, and you have to sort of live your day out what's expected of you of your code of conduct and that because you're you've you've got to be professional with these young people, and there's certain views you're not allowed to have, and there's certain things that you've got uh stay away from, and you can't give your opinion on because you're meant to be neutral. So then you spend your days doing that, and then obviously when you're a parent, you're then a father to your children, so you're not always your authentic self, and then when you're then left with times of being your authentic self, it's like I've been so long not being myself, I don't know how to be me. And I think that's because of going back to what you were saying, yeah. I think you put your well-being behind sometimes because of the expectations others put on you, and I think that's a big thing with mental health and life in general, is expectations. We're always trying to meet others' expectations. Where I think we need to put expectations on ourselves, and they need to be achievable expectations. It's not like I'm gonna sit here and say I'm gonna earn a million bucks by the end of the week because I've I will get there, not have done it, and then be like, oh, I failed, which then puts you back into more of a negative state. It's more about setting yourself small achievable goals, reaching those and celebrating those, and doing what needs to be done for you, not what needs to be done for others.

SPEAKER_00 16:49

Yeah, I think people can have different versions of themselves depending on the environment or even depending on the person they're talking to, right? So I definitely see what you mean. Um, it can be hard to be your authentic self, especially when getting lost in the way of work. Uh when was the last time you felt completely like yourself? No masks, no filters.

SPEAKER_01 17:14

That's um a really hard question to answer. I think um probably childhood, because that's when we're innocent and we just sort of don't know the way the world works and about protection. I think a lot of our experiences then builds the bury up and we need to protect ourselves. So then as we get older and as the years go on, I think we find it harder to be more vulnerable and be more authentic because, like we said, we're worried about someone judging us, or we're worried about this situation going wrong, or what if this person doesn't like me? So yeah, that's a really hard question to answer. I honestly think probably around the age of 16-17. So I'm looking at 20 odd years ago because I I started like volunteering in youth clubs when I was 14, 15, so that's when I sort of started taking on that role of being responsible for others. So it's yeah, it's um yeah, it's a really hard thing to think about when I felt fully authentic. Obviously, at home, I'm my most authentic, but even then there's still the mask up on some things, and when we social media, when we podcast, you try and be your authentic self, but obviously you're you're putting on um sort of you're doing a show, right? I've actually felt quite authentic doing this interview because I've not used the guest. This is like the fourth podcast I've ever been on, and it's actually been nice to answer the questions instead of ask the questions, but yeah, it's that's a really hard question, and I've never actually sat down and had a look back and a think about to myself when was the last time I was actually authentically myself. So, yeah, to be honest, probably childhood.

SPEAKER_00 19:14

I actually agree with you. Uh, when we're kids, we're not tainted by our surroundings, right? So we're more likely to be ourselves. Um, do you think it's possible to reconnect with that sense of authenticity as an adult?

SPEAKER_01 19:29

Unfortunately, I don't think so because of we've got those past experiences. So the best way I can think about it is when I was about 18, I used to take a group of young people bike riding in the woods, and we'd be zipping down the woods and going over bumps and stuff, and not a care in the world. Where if I was to do that same track now, I would be hitting the brake a lot more, I wouldn't be going as fast because I know sort of the dangers or what could happen on a bike. So therefore, I would unintentionally take that risk, even though I'm trying to be authentic because I'm riding that bike to have fun and stuff, I don't think it would be fully authentic because of experiences we've had since. So unfortunately, I don't think we can ever truly get back to that full innocence of authenticity. I think we can try, and I think we can um do it to the best of our ability, but I just think past experiences and what we've lived through on different things is always gonna be in the way. So, yeah, to answer that question, I personally don't think we could ever get like that in our adult life.

SPEAKER_00 20:48

Also, to add to that, um, people change as they grow. No one is ever the same as who they were years ago, right? No, if you could give one advice to someone who might be struggling with opening up on their mental health, what would it be?

SPEAKER_01 21:04

So, yeah, obviously, the the biggest piece of advice is just talk to someone. It doesn't have to be like your partner or a family member, but just someone that you feel trusted with and just say, Yeah, I think I need help. Like, like we said, it your mental health dips up and down, so you might only need help for a little while, it might be a longer period of time. But don't be afraid to take that first step and reach out because once you've done that, then you've got the ball rolling and you've got somewhere, someone that can help you, and then you're not alone. That person might only listen and not know what to do, and then point you in another direction. But at least it's offload loaded, and it does actually make you feel a bit better when you offload to someone. So, my biggest advice would be to obviously reach out to someone. Secondly, as well, self care. I think like self care is so important, and we don't always have time. And make time for yourself. And I know it's hard to feel in a busy day sometimes. So what I like to do is my children need to get up at 6:30 a.m. for school. I used to have to get leave for work at 8 o'clock. So what I used to do, and what I still do now, even though I'm not working, is I used to wake up at 5:30 and I'd have that hour to myself. No one else is up, the house is quiet, and I could spend an hour doing what I need to do. Sometimes that's going through social media, sometimes that's listening to music. But that's just an hour to myself each and every morning for me. Make time for yourself. And then, like I said, if you still feel like you need the support, reach out to others. There's so many people that are willing to listen and willing to help, but you've got to take that first step. Like, Daniel, what you're doing with this podcast is brilliant. Like, people are listening, and I hope just even if this message touches one person, and today you feel like, no, I do actually need help, then please just reach out to someone. So, yeah, that would be my biggest advice. And obviously, self-care, self-care is very important, but I think we don't take time to look after ourselves because we're too busy worrying about others or going to stick to the work shift pattern or this needs doing that needs doing. But please find time for yourself and please, if you're struggling, reach out.

SPEAKER_00 23:29

So basically make time for yourself and talk to someone you trust. That's all really good advice. Thank you, Lee, for joining me today. I really did enjoy our conversation. And I know my listeners will gain a lot from this conversation. Um, keep doing what you're doing and take care.

SPEAKER_01 23:50

Thank you for your time, and it's been a pleasure speaking with you. Keep up the good work.