The Will to Change - Matt

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Welcome to the Amjits podcast, the How I Survived series. In these mental health episodes, I'm creating a space for real conversations about the things we often keep to ourselves, our struggles, our healing, and the stories that shape who we are. Hello, welcome to the podcast. Um, thank you so much for joining me today on another mental health discussion. Before we begin, can you give yourself a little introduction?

SPEAKER_00 0:33

Hello, uh, my name is Matt Cisneros. I'm 47 years old. And I guess I'm just looking to give my testimony and hopefully impact somebody um through that, and I guess just give my own, you know, story and feedback and uh things like that with my own mental health and uh life experiences.

SPEAKER_01 1:00

Hi Matt, so tell me what has your journey been like mentally?

SPEAKER_00 1:04

So my journey, I guess mentally, I don't know. I mean I grew up you know, I uh I feel like I had a normal childhood. My mom was a single mom, my dad was an alcoholic. Um didn't really know my dad very well, and I went to go, you know, visit him one day. Um and then about a month later he said he had enough, kicked me out the house, send me back to my mom's house. And I guess from that point on, I just I don't know, that kind of messed me up a little bit emotionally. I, you know, didn't think my parents liked me. Um so I kind of took it out on society with um and started kind of like a criminal life and you know, acting out and didn't know how to reel myself back in. And yeah, I guess I mean my mental health journey, I just I don't know, I guess where I'm at right now is um you know, I found a higher power. Um you know, I went through treatment, um went through a 12-year federal prison sentence. I got out, my mom died three months after I got out, and that you know, that kind of messed me up. But yeah, I just started relapsing. Um, try to, you know, navigate myself through all that, and yeah, and here I am now, doing a lot better, and you know, just kinda taking life as it goes. And and just trusting that, you know, God's got a you know, God's got a plan and He's got his hand on my life right now.

SPEAKER_01 2:50

So my heart always goes out to people who've been incarcerated, especially when trauma plays a big role in it. Um so thank you for sharing briefly your story. Um but how are you right now though? You mentioned how God has a plan. Would you say that having faith saved you?

SPEAKER_00 3:09

Yeah, I'm not sure if faith alone saved me. I mean, maybe it did. Um not really sure, but I don't I don't know if faith alone saved me. I think um part of it was um getting sick and tired of my my current circumstances, uh just wanting a better life, um wanting to be recognized as somebody um different than the way that people were look viewing me as as a as a person in uh my criminal activity and you know things like that. I think I think there's a lot of things that played into um saving me with that as you know part of life. And uh, but as far as like mentally, where am I at now? I um I'm doing pretty good. There's things, you know, I need to work on. There's you know, I still have my flaws. I you know, I sometimes I lose my anger, sometimes I, you know, I have my insecurities that that you know play out in you know, arguments and and just in ways that it probably shouldn't even play out. You know, I read into things uh, you know, I probably shouldn't be reading into uh psychoanalyze things, you know, that I probably shouldn't psychoanalyze that, you know, and I just uh it it's probably personal it's probably some type of personal um insecurity, it's probably um past experiences with mistrusting people and just my past experiences with other people and um slowly trusting people and their responses and the way they, you know, not always assuming that just because I've had uh an experience with people that not all people are that way, and learning to trust that um helps me not treat everybody like my past experiences have treated me in the past. And not everybody's the same, you know, and I can't just categorize you know everybody into one group and or just expect everybody um that they're going to respond a certain way so that I never act or do things or if I never put myself out there, um I I limit myself to um experiencing, you know, some really positive things if I always you know if I'm always you know scaring myself into you know uh letting myself experience people if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_01 6:16

Yeah, I understand. No one is perfect. Um mental health is an up and down journey rate. Um and I think that trust is a tricky topic, especially when the past was disappointing. Um do you think that trust is something that that builds over time?

SPEAKER_00 6:34

I used to think that trust was built over time, but I I honestly I don't carry myself like that anymore. I you know, I I you know I I hear a lot of people say that trust has to be earned, um loyalty has to be learned, respect has to be earned, but if I go through my life making everybody earn everything, then that's a difficult life for me that I I I I I imagine. So I I give everybody a hundred percent of my trust. I give everybody a hundred percent of my loyalty, my respect, my trust, my my love, every everything, right? And I just how long they keep that is up to them. And they can keep it for a day, they could keep it for life, they could keep it for a week, a year, uh, and that that's up to them, you know. And I guess, you know, I just want to give everybody a hundred percent of myself um off the bat. And if they if they ruin that right away, well then I'll give it to somebody else. And uh, and I guess that's the way I look at it now, but um, I used to be that way, um, especially with going through the prison system, and you know, yeah, I kind of get brainwashed by people saying, uh trust is earn, tr respect is earn. But I just I didn't trust anybody, and I was I was I didn't, you know, navigate my life um and my behavior right. I was just always isolated, and it was just wasn't a fun life, it wasn't a happy life, and now I can just learn to trust people um that you know not everybody's bad, you know, not everybody's a a bad apple or a rotten fruit. Um you know, and like they say, rotten fruit's gonna fall by itself, and it's people don't stick around long, you know, if they're if they're not right for you. And um, so I for me I I give people a hundred percent of me right away, and at least I I think so, and and uh just I'm happier that way, and and people can experience me um fully too.

SPEAKER_01 9:04

Wow, I like the idea of offering all your trust. And I guess however the person responds to it is on them in a way, right? Now, has that approach changed how you experience relationships overall?

SPEAKER_00 9:17

Yeah, I think the you know the people's responses is on them. I think, you know, if they value my my loyalty and my friendship and my relationship and uh my love or whatever else I'm offering them, maybe if they if they um if they value that, well then they'll uh they'll put in effort to to keep it. And I think um I think them keeping it is up to them. And like I said, uh the amount of time that they have that um experience with me in life is is is up to them. And if they value my role, if they uh just value me as a person in their life, then they're gonna they're gonna do what it takes to to keep that. And and vice versa. If if I value somebody um in the way they are in my life, um then I'm gonna do whatever it takes to to keep that in my life if I truly value that that relationship and that role that they play in my life.

SPEAKER_01 10:26

Yeah, well said. Um I think valuing someone and vice versa plays a big role for sure. Um now earlier you mentioned you worked on yourself for the better. Um was there a specific event that occurred and which gave you the strength um and willpower to change?

SPEAKER_00 10:46

Yeah, I'm not really sure if it was one specific uh event, but I know the prison sentence really uh affected me. Um when I got the uh so a little background on that. I I robbed a McDonald's uh by gunpoint, and when I got my indictment, my indictment carried uh federally um 10 to life. It started at 10 years, life sentence for the Macs. And that really shook my emotions and my mental state, and I I got into a really broken state where you know I didn't want to face my family, I didn't want to face my kids, I didn't want to uh face any of the loved ones because I already felt bad enough for just making the mistake to talk myself into even committing a crime, anyways, because I was trying to uh I did it in order to win my family back. And we were going through a separation. My wife was at the time we were still legally married, we were just separated. She was seen uh seen another man. I was jealous, so I committed the robbery because she needed some money, and I thought maybe I could say, look what I did for you, and maybe win her back. And that didn't work. Uh so when I got caught, I uh my sentence was 10 to life. Uh they ended up giving me 15 years for that, but before I even knew how much time I was actually gonna get, I I tried to commit suicide and uh an inmate saved me uh before I could even do what I was gonna do. And I went on suicide watch. I went through that experience. Um I eventually got sentenced. I went through my prison sentence, and I just told myself that if you know, if I'm gonna spend this much time in prison, I I I want to get out the complete opposite of the person that went into prison. And I want to get out the complete opposite, and I want to try to help people. I want to just uh pay my entire life forward, and I'm just so thankful for the person that saved my life and didn't let me and just didn't mind their own business, you know, when I wanted to just end it all. And that that played a big role in my life because you know I've gotten a chance to really get to know myself. And I actually wrote a book um, you know, about the entire experience from the the robbery and through where my life is now. And yeah, so I guess the the one experience, it was probably the prison sentence. It was probably the prison sentence that really changed my life around and uh really gave me a chance to really look at myself, uh, and just really losing everything. And you know, and just I just didn't give up, you know, and and thank thank God for that, you know. And and like I said, I wrote a book about the whole thing. Uh that book is called The Devil Lost Another One, and it's uh it's on Amazon and and all that stuff. So it's legit. So it's just to think that I I could write a book and uh you know become an author, I mean that that's crazy in itself, too. You know, because all I ever thought about myself was I was just no good, and I was just you know, society threw me out and you know, gave up on me, and I just didn't never thought I could just change my life around, and and and I did. And I just just so thankful for it. So thank you for asking.

SPEAKER_01 14:42

I can tell you felt a lot of shame. I'm sorry you went through all that. Um, you know, many people who are in prison actually re-offend when they get released, so you must have really reflected on yourself to be able to change. Like sometimes it takes being on rock bottom, right? Now, when you think about that version of yourself, what would you tell your older self?

SPEAKER_00 15:05

Well, I had to tell myself that there was a there's there was uh a better better life out there. Well, I I guess at the time I didn't know there was a better life, you know. I I didn't I but there had to be some type of hope inside me somewhere um that there is a better life. And I I just I just had to believe, you know. I just you know, so I just kept telling myself like like you can do it, like you you are worth it, you are valuable, you are capable, you are cherished, you are pursued, you are you just all these little positive things, right? I just had to change my my my my self-talk. And I had to quit telling myself that this is the only life that I'm gonna get. This is the only life I'm capable of, this is the only life um that I'm worth. And there's, you know, because if other people can do bad things and change their life, you know, well, you know, hopefully I can too. And I just had to prove prove that. And I just so determined to just uh have such a comeback that you know I just really started working on myself. I started reading books, started working out, I started uh just trying a hundred percent. And I told myself, well, if you give it a hundred percent and you still fail, well, you gave it a hundred percent. And we'll come back to that discussion later, you know. Um, I told myself, and but if you give it a hundred percent and you you make it through it, well then everything you told yourself that was negative is a lie. And and it it was a lie. And so now I just you know, I I try to speak to my the yourself talk, I I just really believe is a um a really big thing, you know, because we can really lie to ourselves, and it's crazy how the brain can I mean you can conquer the world, like literally um uh operate, run countries, and you can really conquer the world. You can do anything you want, like seriously, literally, it's not just a figure of speech, and you can use your brain to talk yourself into ending your own life, and that's just how powerful your your brain is, that's how powerful your self-talk is, that you can talk yourselves into doing anything you want, uh, no matter what that is, no matter how good it is, and no matter how bad it is. And it's just like, you know, if it's kind of like Hitler, right? Like he he used his self-talk to talk himself into what he talked himself into, and he could have used that same self-talk to persuade himself into that same amount of love and love. Could you imagine like Hitler loving as many people as he hated? And just what a different world it could have been with with a Hitler that loved people to the extent of his hatred. And it's just is it it's it's amazing. It's and that's the gift of free will. And that's just it's just amazing what our our brains are capable of.

SPEAKER_01 18:53

Yeah, I see what you're saying. So do you believe uh we can choose our thinking patterns?

SPEAKER_00 18:59

I don't know if you can uh choose your thinking like pattern. I think you can choose your self-talk. Uh I don't know if you can choose the the pattern. I don't know if that makes sense or anything, but I I think you can mold it um to create a pattern in the future. Um if I want to eventually uh start thinking the certain way, you know, I'm gonna have to do this, this, and this in order to do that, in order to, you know, but I uh I'm not really sure. Maybe you can. I mean, I'm not really sure. I uh is that's a tough question. Um I do believe you choose your self-talk, and I do believe we choose um the way we speak to ourselves and uh what we believe about ourselves. I do think that that's always a choice. And I do think that the way we respond to things is is is definitely always a choice.

SPEAKER_01 19:55

Yeah, I agree with you on that one. Uh the way we respond is definitely up to us. Uh now, just on an ending note, uh, what advice would you give someone who might be feeling limited or stuck in their negative thinking?

SPEAKER_00 20:11

I would tell them that uh their mind is lying to them. I would tell them that they are uh and have been believing that lie for way too long. And I think that, you know, we've been telling ourselves that we're stuck, we're limited, we're we're unvaluable, we're not capable, um, or whatever other negative thing you've been telling yourself. I think, you know, we've been telling ourselves that's for so many times and for so long that it just that's all we believe, and this is just not true. And eventually, when we tell ourselves that same lie so many times, it ends up becoming a prison. And that lie will only change when we start getting sick of our our own excuses, and we have to get to a point when we start becoming uh tougher than than our toughest excuse. You have to be tougher than your toughest excuse. None of us get unstuck or unlimited because of the way people speak to us, right? Uh when people, it's one thing when other people are trying to have a conversation with us and trying to motivate us and trying to speak life into us, but when we start speaking to ourselves differently, when we start having a conversation uh with ourselves, that's a whole another conversation. And um when you start having a conversation with yourself, um, that's a whole nother conversation. And I talk about it in my book called The The Devil Lost Another One. Um, you can check it out on Amazon. Um, I talk about stuff like that. And it it comes a time when I, you know, I had to stop just waking up motivated. I had uh, instead of waking up motivated, I I had to start waking up committed. And that was a big game changer in my life. And, you know, I started uh seeing different things happen. I started seeing my life change and doors started opening and people started investing in me because you know I just started just believing in myself. But I had to start believing in myself way before everybody else did. And but once you get past that, yeah, then everybody, everybody believes in you. It's it's tough, man. It it's really tough. I and I know it is, but you know, you are capable, you are loved, you are valuable, you are cherished, you are pursued, you are, you know, you are worth it, man, and you do matter. So um if anybody's listening to this, you know, I I don't know you, I love you, and I just you you're just worth it. You're you're worth the fight. Um, check out the book, The Devil Lost Another One by Matt Cesaros. Thank you guys.

SPEAKER_01 23:11

That's great advice. Thanks again, Matt, for joining me today and for sharing your story. I'll definitely check out the book. Um cute thing, what you're doing, and take care.

SPEAKER_00 23:21

Thank you very much, Daniela. I I really uh appreciate this. If you ever um could use me again, please uh please let me know. I would love to get in front of as as many people as possible and um tell my testimony, promote the book, and just be a part of what you're doing. I I think what you're doing is uh uh very commendable. So thank you again. Good luck.