Reasoning Behind Bullying - Kalyani

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Welcome to the Amjits podcast with the How I Survive the series. In these mental health episodes, I'm creating a space for real conversations about the things we often keep to ourselves, our struggles, our healing, and the stories that shape who we are. Hello, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for joining me today on another mental health discussion. Um, before we begin, can you give yourself a little introduction?

SPEAKER_00 0:33

Hi, my name is Kalyani Pardeshi. I'm a two-time TEDx speaker and Canada's only certified flow cust trainer, and I work with teens and youth helping them eradicate self-bullying and bullying and build self-esteem from the inside out. I also work with parents in teaching them how to bullyproof their children.

SPEAKER_01 0:55

Oh, wow, that's really interesting. Uh, would you say that your journey with anti-bullying resonates with your own experiences when you were younger?

SPEAKER_00 1:06

Absolutely. I was bullied as a teenager when I was sent away to boarding school many, many years ago. And um, sadly, the tools that were taught in schools back then are still taught today, and they didn't work then and they still don't work now, which is why I do what I do. Um, the part about where I was bullied was I lived with my bullies. I had no respite from the bullying. I lived with them, so there was just no break, which made it a lot harder to deal with. And especially with teachers getting tired of me complaining all the time. It was they had this expression on their face, like, oh gosh, it's her again. Um, so that's why I wanted to develop tools that would help end bullying without um you know, without hurting the bully, because the bully is already hurting as it is. And that's how I got involved with flow cess and got into the neuroscience of how the brain works and how we can use tools that are actually healthy and that go beyond the be kind message.

SPEAKER_01 2:15

Yeah, I agree. Um, although bullies cause harm, they too are struggling, I believe. Now, with your experience, how would you say being bullied affects the mental health of a person?

SPEAKER_00 2:30

I believe with bullying, um, you know, it really affects one's mental health in that you doubt yourself. You lose your sense of um worth, your um sense of self-confidence. And, you know, you just you you feel that you have to find a way to prove your worth and your value, because if you really were worthy and valuable, this wouldn't be happening to you. Um, and that's the second piece that I teach, which is the self-bullying, which is what I engaged in. Um, and I give examples in my first TEDx talk of how um one of the ways I bullied myself was through overachievement. I I figured if I was just I had all the degrees and certifications, um, you know, people would think, oh, she's smart, you know, oh, she's got confident, whatever, right? Or um becoming a people pleaser as well, because I didn't want to be a target and you know, becoming toxically positive. So we engage in all these behaviors that kind of look motivational on the outside, but we're burning out on the inside because we're trying to find our worth and our value in everything except who we actually are, and we forget who we are when we've been bullied.

SPEAKER_01 3:48

Wow, well said. Um it looks like you overcame your own traumatic experience. Um, would you say that at times you still feel the struggle and you know the loss of who you are? And if so, uh, what are the strategies that you use for yourself?

SPEAKER_00 4:10

Here's an interesting thing, and I think a lot of people don't teach this, is when you've been through trauma, you may respond to it differently, but you're still gonna feel the triggers. So, yes, I still feel the triggers. I just um two weeks ago did my second TEDx talk, and I found myself going down the same road of, okay, I need to get my next speaking engagement, I need to do this thing next, I need to do that thing next. And then I had to remind myself that I'm a human being, not a human doing. And I had to return back to who I am. And when I talk about who I am, and that is what my second TEDx talk is about, it's about knowing your intangible drivers or your intrinsic motivators. Now, I have a quiz on my website if anyone wants to take it, but it helps you understand what your intrinsic motivators are and how you're supposed to drive your brain and your thought processes based on your intrinsic motivators. If you try to do anything outside of this, you're gonna burn out. So I am compassion server, and what this means is I will do whatever is needed to bear the emotional pain of others in order to help them grow. So for me, what success looks like is not the standard money in the bank sort of thing. It's more, am I helping someone today? What did I do to help someone today? And it's coming back to that is am I in tune with who I really am, with my intangible drivers, my intrinsic motivators? And it's true, I am because I have friends who reach out to me for support with their own kids. And it's not money in the bank, but I know that when I give them that value, I'll get the good karma coming my way. So that's the focus is who am I and how can I facilitate the purpose and progress of others through who I am?

SPEAKER_01 6:14

Yeah, it must feel rewarding to do what you do. I think it's important for us to remind ourselves of our, you know, our purpose and what brings true happiness. And for the most part, it has nothing to do with monetary value, right? Now I'm curious, um, what is your ideal client? Like what do people look for when they come to you?

SPEAKER_00 6:40

So I work with teens who are being bullied, teens who are labeled as bullies because I really do want to help them. I work with teachers who are frustrated with classroom dynamics. I work with leaders who are burnt out from their careers because they're either self-bullying or they're not in the right career based on their intangible drivers. And then parents, of course, you know, to bullyproof a child. Sometimes parents often they're trying to teach a child good manners and kindness, but it can go the other way when it comes to unfortunately and unintentionally making their child a target of bullying. So it's to help them identify what they might be doing at home, which is causing this, and to give them tools to change this.

SPEAKER_01 7:34

Yeah, I think it's a good idea to work with parents as well. Um, I think it helps break the cycle of bullying. Because you know, sometimes when you don't reach the root cause, um it allows um cycles to you know continue. Now, in your opinion, what might a bully be going through mentally? I know we talk a lot about the victim, but I'm curious as to what you think um a bully goes through.

SPEAKER_00 8:08

Okay, so I have to get a bit into brain uh functions. So we use all of our brain, but we only have direct access and control to 10% of our brain. That's the conscious brain. It's responsible for actively thinking and taking decisions. We have no direct control over 90% of our brain, which is the unconscious brain. It is where our habits and behaviors are formed, is the source of all of our energy, and it is it has an accurate record of our past external reality. We just don't have direct access to it. So a bully has learned that the only way to protect themselves because they were bullied is to bully back. They've learned this by being bullied and programming that 90% of their brain. So when they are actually bullying someone, it's a knee-jerk reaction. They aren't actually thinking that what they're doing is wrong. And our unconscious brain doesn't recognize conscious thoughts unless we verbalize or write it down. And it's amoral, it doesn't care about morals, it only cares about repeating patterns and it doesn't like to break patterns. So basically, the best way to work with this is when a bully is actually bullying, and instead of telling them to stop or all of the other tools is to ask them a question. And when you ask them a question, it takes them out of their unconscious brain into the conscious brain, and then it makes them think about their behavior.

SPEAKER_01 9:56

That's an interesting perspective. Now, how can one break the cycle? Like, do you think a bully can reverse its negative patterns?

SPEAKER_00 10:08

Absolutely. And the reason I say this is because I've seen this happen. Um, that's very interesting. You mentioned this because I was just talking to someone about how when my son was in grade eight, he helped a student who was labeled a bully repair his thought processes. And um I understood his intangible drivers just based on what how my son described him. And I remember talking about this student anonymously at the teacher's convention, and one of the teachers actually knew who the student was. And she came up to me afterwards and she said to me, You know, if this is the same student, I just want you to know that from kindergarten all the way through to grade eight, he used to see the inside of the principal's office every single week. And after your son started interacting with him, he's gone through grade nine, not seeing the inside of the principal's office ever. And even the other teachers were actually saying how much his behavior has changed and how much of a better person he's become. And it was all about understanding his intangible drivers and reaching them, reaching him through those intangible drivers. Um, in my recent TEDx talk, I spoke of one particular student where these tools are used in emotional and behavior disorder classrooms in the US. And this particular student was physically restrained 88 times within the first three months of school. But once the teachers understood his intangible drivers, in the next six months, his number of restraints went from 88 to zero.

SPEAKER_01 11:56

Wow, that's impressive. Um, now when you say intangible drivers, what do you mean by that? Do you mean like the bullies' triggers?

SPEAKER_00 12:06

Okay, so the best way to describe intangible drivers is to give you an analogy. So imagine you and I buy identical cars from the same dealership on the same day. A year from now, will your car look like mine? No, it won't. Why? Because we drive our cars differently. In this analogy, the car is your brain, and the driver of the car is your intrinsic motivation. So you are driving your brain according to your intrinsic motivation. My intrinsic motivations are compassion server. As I explained earlier, I will do whatever is needed to bear the emotional pain of others in order to help them grow. And it explains why I burnt out as a CPA because numbers don't give me energy. Our intrinsic motivators is how we gain energy. It's not like your personality test. A personality test actually shows where you are likely to trigger when you feel unbalanced. So you're walking on eggshells around this person because you don't want them to trigger. And the difference is how are we driving our brain? What is the intrinsic motivation behind driving our brain according to a thought process, which results in our behavior? So, for example, if I am operating in an unhealthy thought process, I will enable other people because I don't want to see them in pain and I want to fix the pain in one simple step. But if I'm operating in a healthy thought process, then I'm able to recognize whether the pain the other person is going through is the pain of suffering or the pain of growth. And if they're going through the pain of growth, it is about being there and letting them go through that pain without stopping it to understand that there is growth on the other side.

SPEAKER_01 14:15

Wow, that's a great analogy. Um, do you find it difficult to identify uh intangible drivers?

SPEAKER_00 14:24

Usually there's a quiz for it, and um so that's 85% correct way of figuring out a person's intangible drivers, but if they do not take the quiz, I can see it based on their motivations. Um, you know, what is actually the words that they use sometimes. Um I remember meeting a friend's uh husband, and I think it only three meetings for me to figure out his intangible drivers because of the words he used. So it is a lot about, you know, the kind of language a person uses. Um, and you can immediately tell who is compassion because if you're sharing a painful story, you can see the expressions on their face um change. But if they are, and that this is one of the things I explain um is that you can teach somebody who is not naturally compassionate how to be compassionate if it's not their intangible driver. So usually I can tell by um the words that they use and how it comes out in their behavior, which can come out sideways if they're not operating in a healthy thought process.

SPEAKER_01 15:33

Wow. Um, interesting. Now, when you say that uh compassion can be taught, would you say that the person learning compassion actually doesn't feel compassion but mimics?

SPEAKER_00 15:49

So we all feel compassion to a greater or less lesser extent, but if we're not able to connect for me as compassion server, I can feel compassion right away for no matter what someone else is going through, whether I have been through that or not. However, someone who does not have compassion as an intangible driver, it doesn't come naturally. It's not the immediate instinct for that person. So, for example, my son is one of those people for whom compassion doesn't come naturally. But one of the things I've taught him is um, you know, if someone is sharing a story that you cannot understand or it's it's something you've not experienced, you can just think about something that made you feel the same way as that person is feeling right now. So if they're feeling frustrated, think of something that made you feel frustrated and what you would have liked to have heard in that time. So connect with that that feeling, that emotion, and be able to speak from that space.

SPEAKER_01 16:54

Okay, so it's more about trying to put yourself in other people's shoes according to your own experiences. Now, if you can give an advice to someone who might be experiencing bullying, uh, what would it be?

SPEAKER_00 17:10

Firstly, if someone is being bullied, my the first thing I always say it's not your fault. It's not your fault that this is happening to you. What can you do about it? Uh use unconscious confrontation. So the one I my favorite one to teach is called FTP, flip the pronouns, and then walk away. So if someone is saying something mean to you, ask them, would it be okay if I said that to you? And then you walk away. You don't want an answer. But the most important thing is you need to practice this when you're in a safe space, away from the bully at home, look in the mirror, imagine yourself in that situation, feel the trigger, take a deep breath, and then say the question. Would it be okay if I said that to you? And then you walk away. When we practice this at least three times in a safe environment, including the physical response of taking that deep breath, we are rewiring our brain to respond instead of react in the situation. And this very simple trick has worked so exceptionally well for every one-on-one teen I have worked with. They've never come back for a second consultation because it's worked so well. Um, one of the things I am going to recommend to anyone who's being bullied is you gotta set firm boundaries and have measures, criteria for when you know that boundary is being pushed or tested. Um, not the best example, but I'll give you an example of what that looks like in my own life is I like people that are organized. And for me, if they don't show up once, I let it go. Second time, I let it go. The third time, I'm not gonna give them a chance. It's like that's my boundary, I'm done, I'm out of here. So have boundaries in place and have measures to ensure you know when these boundaries are being tested and you need to pull out.

SPEAKER_01 19:17

Well, uh, that's all really great advice. Um, so listen, I'll end it here. Uh, thank you so much for joining me again. I really did enjoy our conversation. Um, keep doing what you're doing and helping people. Um, and take care.

SPEAKER_00 19:34

Thank you so much for having me as a guest. I really appreciate it and I wish you all the best. Take care.