Psychologist With Lived Experiences - Anila

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Welcome to the Animator Podcast about how I survived the series. In these mental health episodes, I'm creating a space for real conversations about the things we often keep to ourselves, our struggles, our healing, and the stories that shape who we are. Hello, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for joining me today on another mental health discussion. Um, before we begin, can you give yourself a little introduction?

SPEAKER_00 0:35

Uh thank you so much, Bad Anila. Uh hi everybody. My name is Anila Khan. I'm a clinical psychologist, a psychotherapist, speech and language therapist, and I'm working with uh disability. I'm working with child and adult. I'm working as a neurodivergent advocate, and I'm also working as a disability advocate. And I'm from Pakistan and I'm working since 2011.

SPEAKER_01 1:01

Oh wow, that's awesome. Um, so the goal of this podcast is to talk about personal mental health stories. Um, what has your journey been like mentally? Has your own experience led you to be uh a psychologist?

SPEAKER_00 1:16

Uh I think that is uh the very interesting part. When I start talking about that, uh I'm a uh I'm uh basically I'm a neo-divergent person. I'm also a neodivergent therapist. So uh when I was growing up, my household was different. They were, you know, we my family was very supportive and loving. So we never thought that we are hyper because the area that I belong to, we have playful kids, we have hyper kids, and we are the kids who always get a chance to do sports and love and do stuff like that. But I'm a late diagnosed autistic and ADHD person, so I think that is a very uh different journey for me because I was working in field for 11 or 12 years, I was not aware of myself. My teacher used to call me that you have ADHD, and when I used to study the ADHD, that will never match my description, you know. So uh later on, uh, when I started uh understanding and doing research in autism in girls, then I get the idea that I have autism, then I went for the diagnosis, then I went for the diagnosis of ADHD, like ADHD in girls, and I have a hyperactive type. So my journey is a very different type of journey, it's not a journey that you would say that uh people usually have. So I was working and I was working very well in terms of like I was a very hard-working person, like always, and I I would somehow understand that those people and those things and the situation around me, the emotions around me, but I was not aware that the reason that I'm able to connect with artistic and ADHD kids or kids with disability was that I somehow uh have such similar experiences like them, but uh, since my support system was different, so it the support helped me out to go through all the crises in my life. I have personal mental health experiences, and I have challenges as an autistic at ADHD person. I have challenges as a neodivergent person, like I have challenges with with my sleep, I have challenges with my emotional expression. So my challenges were different challenge, different nature of challenge, you know, uh, like uh how to express yourself in a certain situation if you have certain ideas that how people with autism and ADHD are, you know. So my my challenges were of that nature. So if you have ADHD and if you have autism, so you you would feel depression, you would feel anxiety, you will go through you know uh panic attacks and stuff like that. So my challenges are of that nature. So I myself is a mental health professional, you know, but I had those challenges and I'm a late diagnosed autistic and ADHD person. I am RDLD, but my diagnosis is late. So you can understand that my whole journey or life had challenges, but I had to mask so high I had to act like that. I am a perfect person, I don't have personal problems, I don't have emotional problems, or I will, you know, act as a resilience person, or I will act as a strong person, that I can do anything. I I am a super smart person and I have a lot of energy and I can do so many things, but I was actually trying to, you know, blend into places, and I was just trying to understand that how can I be part of that group, so uh my challenges were were of that nature.

SPEAKER_01 5:20

Okay, got it. Um, I actually can relate in terms of masking, and I know a lot of people do the same thing, you know, trying to be someone you're not and trying to blend in. Now, before you were diagnosed, did you notice any abnormalities or symptoms to the mental health? Like, how did your diagnosis come to be? I asked because a lot of people who go through mental health challenges, they don't really know what's going on, they're kind of confused because they don't know anything about mental health. So I'm just wondering, how did your diagnosis come to be?

SPEAKER_00 5:59

You know, there's a very uh unique and common thing whenever you talk about uh talk to somebody who is autistic or ADHD, they will say you one common sentence that is they are different. So I always know that I am different, I was different, I was different than other people. The way that I would do, I didn't have common girls interest, you know. Like they would go, they would want to do a partying around, party around, you know, they will just go to a place to have food and stuff like that. I just want to do, like, for example, if I'm going to school, I just want to go to food for study. I just don't want to put my head into something else. Like, I used to have a very strict routine, and I would just don't want to follow that routine. Uh but I was uh like a sporty person, I was hyper, and uh the point was that when I when I when I was uh you know growing up, I used to have a condition like fitz. So I thought that I am going through epilepsy, but when I started studying the epilepsy, the epilepsy is is different thing, it it has you know it has uh people have um certain kind fits kind of a situation, but it has medical reasons as well. If you look toward the epilepsy, so my epilepsy would be different, and I would see that I am getting it for certain reasons, and I'm not at certain time I'm not getting it, you know, at the other time, then I always have sleep issues, I have you know food issues, uh, I could not uh digest certain food, I could not feel good around certain foods, then I have issues with uh a lot of you know loud noises, but I will love to play. Um, and also I have certain issues with I used to have sensi sensitivity. There was some time, uh, and I remember there was days when uh like years when I used to have severe uh migraines, you know, like I used to have uh headaches all the time without any reason, and I went through a very proper uh you know um uh checkup. That I get the idea that I'm not having any kind of you know headache, uh not having issues with my um with my vision. That was just purely uh because of you know that was the reason was the migrants. So I used to have migraines when I was growing up, then I told you about the issue with the food, and that at one time it got severe to the extent that I started having uh bad kind of uh um uh you know, I couldn't, you know, go to washroom, or uh you could say that I was having uh severe kind of constipation, or sometime it would be blood around that, so it get to get to that extent. Uh so that was the issue with the food, like I told you, and the issue with the sleeve, and then there was also time when I used to have nose bleed, you know, like if if I would go and if I will just play around uh in the sun, I would start having those issues that I have my nose, my my nose will bleed. So these these were like uh things like that, and then uh there was issues with you know, sometimes I could not understand the rules of the you know what kind of rules like we are playing. Sometimes we are uh setting one rules, there are other times like we are setting certain rules in the game, so that the social situation would make me different and uncomfortable. Sometimes I would get hyper, sometimes I would, you know, like I would be straightforward, and uh sitting at a place was an issue for me, so I just need to be around and moving my body and stuff like that. So those were the early things that uh that was certain, you know uh indication. So so like I told you about my sleep that I used to have bad sleep issues, I couldn't sleep in the daytime, I could only sleep in the evening time, and uh uh when there was a time in my life I could have bad issues with my memory, so I could uh I was sitting in front of my exam paper and I could forget everything. Uh so it was kind of a thing at that time for me, and then there was uh there were certain things that um when I uh uh like I just started studying in one kind of uh medium, then I had to change the medium. All of a sudden the language was changed in the medium, and it was very difficult for me to grasp that that medium, so I could do spelling mistakes just like I thought that I'm dyslexic or dysgraphic. I used to have bad uh handwriting, you know. I was very good with bads, but when it comes to grammar, when it comes to English and uh stances and all the grammar and stuff like that, it was very difficult for me to grasp those things, you know. So then there was an issue with memory, and just because of that reason, sometimes I I could get very bad grades, you know, and then sometimes I could get very good grades, so just because of that reason, then um, like I told you that I was uh having issues with uh with friendships and socialization. So, what I would do is I would do masking. So, the reason that I am telling you about masking is that I would be just like to friend with everybody, I could help everyone, I would you I used to help a lot of people, and just because of that reason, sometimes people will use me, some sometimes people will will use me for their own benefits, and uh people will take advantage of my kindness, they would ask me to do things for them. So that's how being social and stuff like that got difficult for me. But when I went to university, things things were different, situation was different, but then it was difficult for me to get up uh in a group or become a part of a group. So I used to have you know alone uh time with uh you know like uh uh I used to give my major presentation alone, so I was having issues with this time when I was studying. So when I started my when I left my education, and when I completed that, I get a chance to uh work in a special education center, and there I would just get things very quickly, and I get the idea that how how can I work with autistic and ADHD kids and a special NIPS kid. And that time I was also becoming a psychotherapist, so my uh teacher was the first person who said that you have ADHD, uh, and I thought that he's just kidding, you know, like um uh I'm not even a boy, and there was this thing in our country because I'm from Pakistan that autism in ADHD is a childhood condition, so I never believed him, but then uh there was a time then that I had to do some research. I uh get a chance to work with the University of Canada, so I was there doing some research, and then I get the idea that uh how autism is in girl, so this condition or in adult as well. So from there I just connected with the international uh community, there I get my diagnosis of autism, there I get my diagnosis of ADHD, and all of a sudden my whole life started making some sense. So for the for 10 or 11 years, I tried to act like a perfect therapist, and I did not get the idea that new neurotravagent therapists can be different, and also that autism and ADHD is not just an adult condition, it's it's a uh sorry, it's not a just a child condition, it's an adult condition as well. So, all my things like my senses sensitivity, like I talk about that. I get the idea that I have this sensitivity, I cannot be around certain smells, I cannot be around a very you know uh hard uh environment which uh where there's a lot of noise. So I the moment I get my diagnostic, I starting understanding how to unmask myself, I have to learn that, and then I also have to learn about my sensory sensitivity and how to work around that. So that started helping me understand myself that when I'm feeling low, it might feel like that I have depression, but it was actually I'm feeling low, I have uh I got through some overwhelming sensation. Then um when the situation changed around me or I have to do things differently, then it it it has it looked like to me that it was anxiety, actually that I'm having anxiety, but I was actually going through the anxious uh ness of if the my routine changed, you know. So it was all around that.

SPEAKER_01 14:56

Okay, yeah, so to my understanding, you've always felt different um in comparison to everyone else. And I also agree the when people are passive, um, people tend to take advantage. So I'm glad you were able to overcome. If you could give advice to people who might be feeling like an outcast, uh, what would it be?

SPEAKER_00 15:21

Well, you know, uh what I would like to say over here is what was the important thing for me to understand. Even I'm a mental health professional, like I told you, and I have been working in the field for 15 years, but whenever I'm I have issue issues, I will go to expert. So I have coaches, uh, and uh what I get help was from not from people from my country, like I'm from Pakistan, I'm from third world country, and over here, mental health situation is totally different. For over here, autism and ADHD is totally different, those things are totally different over here. So that helped me to get information about myself, to work on myself, to work on my unmasking, to go for the places where I am welcomed to be to be loved and to love people around me who can accept me the way that I am and who can accept or understand, let's say, my challenges, or help me out to overcome those challenges, you know. So the the thing that can help is me was or is or still is helping me out is to find the right kind of support. So I have friends where I can take support from, and I'm also helping them out too. And also, like I have coaches who help me to unmask myself. So for myself, I also took the professional help, which was very important. If some people cannot afford a professional help, then they go for a good support system, you know. But I think there are certain certain places, and there are many places where you can take maybe free help, let's say. Uh, so uh, I'm talking about professional help, you know, or maybe a norm, uh, somebody might be giving you know on nominal charges, or I know people who are you know providing free support groups as well. So look for support, look for friends, and look for places where you are welcome, and uh try to understand yourself, try to understand your body, and like I'm still working on myself, I'm working on my you know uh on my uh own self, I'm working on my emotions, I'm working on my you know uh boundaries, and I'm I'm working on understanding that what are my boundaries and how can I save myself. So that is helping me out actually.

SPEAKER_01 17:50

Yeah, I agree. Uh having a support system doesn't make a big difference. Um, listen, I'll end it here. Thank you so much for joining me today. Um, I wish you all the best and keep doing what you're doing. Take care.

SPEAKER_00 18:05

Uh thank you so much, Danielia, for calling uh to me your podcast, and this is an honor for uh me as well. Uh like I'm from Pakistan and I'm from third world country, and somebody listening to me and listening to our voice, like I'm trying to work for brown communities, black communities, north community as well. So, talking about uh you know their mental health and learning from them as well. So, thank you so much for giving this platform, and I wish you all the luck and see you soon. Thank you so much for uh inviting me. Take care.