Effects of Bipolar - Robyn

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to the Amidits Podcast the How I Survived series. In these mental health episodes, I'm creating a space for real conversations about the things we often keep to ourselves, our struggles, our healing, and the stories that shape who we are. Hello, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for joining me today on another mental health discussion. Um, before we begin, can you give yourself a little introduction?

SPEAKER_01 0:34

Hi, my name is Robin Murray. I am 40 years old. Um celebrated that milestone in February. Um I have been I'm a freelancer that has been freelancing now for the past nine years. It will be ten years in June. I have been bipolar now for almost I want to say 30 years, 20 something plus years. I got diagnosed as a teenager in oh three. Um I was just finishing high school. I am from Jamaica, Kingston, Jamaica, very proud Caribbean girl, West Indian, born and raised and just loving and living life. Um mental health advocacy, mental health representation is very important to me. I am very blessed to have families on both sides, both my mom and dad's side, being very supportive of me in whatever it is I do, and have the backing of my church family as well, who have loved me unconditionally from the very start. So yeah, that's me. And um I'm also big on human rights. I do want to become a human rights activist as well as a mental health advocate for advocacy and rights for persons who are struggling with mental illness, whether that be bipolar or schizophrenia or whatever illness that that may be. I'm also a miracle baby slash child. I was born at 2 pounds 4 ounces, um, had seizures from 2 to 12 and have been thriving, growing and flourishing. Um as a result, I developed a learning disability. Um also, you know, um, I developed bipolar as I just told you. And right now I have, let's see, two heart certifications, three CXEs, and four lower CXEs. So that's basically what we do in Jamaica for qualification.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

Hi Robin, thank you for the lovely introduction. I do think that when people suffer with mental health, I think that it's very beneficial to have a support system. So I'm glad that you have that for yourself. You mentioned that you have bipolar. Um, do you have access to therapy at all? If so, what are your most uh used strategies?

SPEAKER_01 4:11

Um yes, I am on therapy and on medication. I've been on medication now for 20 plus something years going on 30 years. Um my strategies, yes, I do see my psychiatrists every six months. Um my strategies are basically um first and foremost, I'm a Christian, I'm a woman of God, and um my strategy is basically prayer. Um, I pray, try to pray a lot. Um, when I'm depressed or having a bad episode, I try to just, you know, zone out and allow for the Lord to take over and intervene. Um if it gets really bad, then I'll have to see my doctor. But coping strategies for me is just um chilling out, you know, um taking a walk and um also just getting rest and things that persons with mental illness who are having episodes um go through, you know, as I said, I have a very big support system. Um so yeah, I I definitely pray out a lot of um issues whenever I'm facing something. It depends on the severity of the episode. Um, if I'm really sick, I will take my meds and try and sleep and just lie in bed and unwind or try to do something that takes my mind off things. I'm a big huge video game junkie. I will sit down and play video games just to for an escape for me. And so I try and cope the best way I can and I let um just let God do what he has to do in that moment. So for me, I'm just one that copes by just um doing the best that I can. If I feel like I'm just really in a bad place, I just um um I just try and sit it out because the thing with mental illness is that you really and truly have to um let the episode run its course. It's kind of bad to say that, but most episodes just have to run its course, and once it's done you feel like a huge sense of relief. So um you just have to let it run the run its course, and once it's done that then you'll be okay after. Also, some episodes can be scarier than some. There was an episode I had back in 2024 when I tried to take my own life and it got scary. I had to be rushed to the ER and it was a whole thing. But yeah, some episodes can be scary than some, and in those instances I have to be taken to the doctor and given probably something else.

SPEAKER_00 8:10

I love that you found prayer as a coping mechanism. And yeah, I guess playing video games uh can act as a distraction, which is awesome as well. Now, for those who aren't familiar with bipolar, um can you describe the symptoms?

SPEAKER_01 8:29

So basically, um bipolar disorder is pretty much a mining depressive disorder, which means that there is a chemical imbalance in the brain. So basically, it's like euphoric high energy mania and impulsive actions to profound sadness, low energy, and suicidal thoughts, often with long periods of stability in between. Um manic episodes are high, so consider it being something where I use an analogy of smoking marijuana, and you're so high and just completely out of it. You're basically sick, and these are characterized by an elevated on top of the world mode. So it's me mostly extreme irritability or high energy, often including a reduced need for sleep, raising thoughts, talking very fast. I've done that myself. Impulsivity, impulse spending, impulsive spending, risky sex, is that's a huge part of being bipolar, is that when you're manic, you can have a very high sex drive and become sexually active. And in some extreme cases, psychosis. I've had psychosis episodes where something had happened back in 2012 to me. Um something had transpired and I ended up getting psychosis. And I remember just being completely out of it. And then before that, I was at observation for a hospital called Ward 21 in Jamaica. That's like a mental psych word hospital. And I was just there for observation for about maybe like two weeks before. And then I wasn't sleeping or functioning after that. So I had to be rushed to the ER and um give been given injection by one of the nurses. And I've been I've had this illness from 17 and I've never had to be injected. It was a very dehumanizing experience. And um I basically in a nutshell was tied down to a bed and given injection. It was just uh because I was fighting the nurse. So I was completely out of it and um hypermonic episodes are similar to what I just said about mania, but less intense. So this could can come in the form of increased energy and productivity. So you feel like you're doing a million things at once, which is um a little bit intense, but not as disruptive as functioning pedafoid managing episode. And so depressive episodes is a part of bipolar where you're extremely low. Um, because uh from my being young, I've had episodes where I have felt like I was so low and I couldn't function at all. Um and also stress is is a very big thing for persons with um bipolar. Is that stress is something that we should all avoid. Um stress is something that can take you out, and I've been down that road of having stress, whether it's from at that time I was working like a nine to five. Um school can stress me out as well. Uh anything, relationships have been in awful relationships where I'm just with stressed and as a result I've gotten sick. Um so yeah, it's basically hopelessness. I have had episodes of depression where I am having an out-of-body experience. So I feel like I'm someone else. I've had episodes where this is a little personal, but I'm willing to go there just to get a message out. Um, where I felt like I was a functioning lesbian. I've never been into that lifestyle, but it's the nature of the illness. And um it's also one of the things that I've faced. I've also faced a depressive episode once where I felt like I hated my mother once the episodes for me feeling like I was a functioning homosexual woman left. The feelings are there, but I don't actually go out and do anything with anybody. Um, so yeah. So once that episode runs its course, I am back to normal and normalcy. And then when I felt like I hated my mom, I did nothing. It was just feeling like a complete separation from her. So those are just some out-of-body experiences where I feel like I'm completely someone else, but that's just the nature of what bipolar can do to you. Fortunately enough, my family has had to deal with many of horrific and ugly episodes and just scary things over the years, and I think that taking my life was a huge thing for my mom to see her cry like that. And it was a whole thing of me just, you know, um cutting a sheet and getting a chair to stand up on the chair to hang myself and um also feeling very just crying. I was just crying and my best friend was trying to talk me through it. My best friend, she saved my life and reached out to my mom and told my mom, and then my mom told my aunt and they came home, and I was just screaming and breaking things and slamming doors and had to get to my mom was on the phone with my dad, and she I don't know if my dad was crying, but it was a whole thing, it was just the scariest time in my life, so yeah, that's basically, and um you can have mixed episodes, but I've never had mixed episodes, and it's a lot of mood swings sometimes. I have the worst mood swings. Um, you can also have high energy and depressive symptoms at the same time, more some simultaneously. It all depends on what level you are in your bipolar, whether you're bipolar one or bipolar two. I think I might be bipolar two. Could be bipolar one too, but it it all depends on what your diagnosis is. Everybody's road for bipolar is different, not everybody's journey is the same. I've been blessed to have the support that I have and the treatment that I have access to medication and therapy. A lot of persons, unfortunately, are in denial, can be for years, can be for decades before getting help, if getting help any at all.

SPEAKER_00 17:43

I know it can be difficult to dive deep, so thank you for sharing and being vulnerable enough to talk about this. Um, so they say that stress is actually the number one killer. Um, so when you say that stress is a trigger, I can actually understand this. Uh, stress actually caused my own psychosis a few years ago. So um after sharing your story with your mom, um, how is your relationship with her right now after that occasion? Think that whole ordeal.

SPEAKER_01 18:17

Um my mom and that relationship has been up and down. Some days it's more toxic than some, but I can't really think I think she was just really scared and um at the time she had was dealing with somebody and um it's just my mother's ways of doing things that I think had gotten to me. And um after that whole ordeal things kinda changed a little bit, but eventually things went back to being toxic and abusive. Some days are good for us and some days are easier. Um, she does do things sometimes that can be a little bit difficult for me, I want to say. Um unfortunately there is no relationship with my father right now. Um in terms of that moment, but I I presume that he was kind of upset and um really hurt by it. Um but my mom doesn't like to see me in pain. So I try and not really tell her much of anything sometimes because she will worry about it. And uh my mom and I are I'm a mommy's girl because my dad wasn't basically in my life. He was around, but he wasn't around mentally, emotionally, spiritually, um, physically, financially, especially. My mom was a single mom. And I guess she did take out some issues out on me growing up. But this whole RD, I guess, she saw things in a different light. And um whatever I thought was a threat um with the person who she's dealing with. Um obviously that threat was kind of removed. And um it's I mean any mother-daughter relationship is not perfect. Um, some days we fight because some days she will say things or sometimes I will get annoyed with her and say something, but for the most part we're very loving, I'm very lovy with her, but when we're fighting it can get ugly very quickly, but um that whole ordeal I think just let her see things from a different perspective. Um if she senses that something is wrong with me, um, she will try and pry it out of me um until I'm ready to tell her though, if any at all. Um I try to not worry her too much. Um have lost a lot over the past few years. We've lost a lot of family members over the past few years. So um she's all the family I have now. And um yeah, so our relationship has been good past couple weeks, but there's still things that she does that won't necessarily make me feel good in that moment. But any mother-daughter relationship has its ups and downs, but for her to see me in that state that I was in was very hard for her because I'm her only child. I'm an only child for her, but my my dad has other children, so I have a ton of nieces and nephews and I'm also a grand aunt and um so my dad and I relationship is very um it's non-existent basically. I father was a very toxic man growing up, he has changed, but um he did not take care of me growing up. He is, however, taking care of me now with certain things, but he is still stuck in his ways. As a man in his late 70s would be, you know, um older people tend to be stuck in their ways and and things. And um I do have siblings that, you know, are his kids. So um my dad and my relationship has never been one where, okay, I'll run to him and tell him what's going on with my life. But he does, you know, check in on myself and my mom and um he has been very attentive over the past, I want to say, few years, and there's somewhat of a change, but not completely um change. But you know, I like to look at the positive things that he's doing. So in terms it was a shock for everybody in my family, you know, but for my mom who I'm her baby, it was quite a shock and something that I saw her cry um at that level. So, you know, it was quite something that was very hard for her. So our relationship is up and down. Some days I feel like I'm I'm more trapped being with her. Um most days I feel trapped being around her. Um, because I feel like she does things and say things that don't make sense to me or maybe a little bit insensitive. Um, so but I I try to do my best by her, but some days aren't sometimes it's just fight after fight after fight. And so it's just been like that for the past few years. Another major trigger for bipolar for me is losing suddenly sudden loss. Whether that losing a loved one, losing a pet, losing a job, just losing about anything, but I think the most um losing a relationship especially um is devastating for the person who has um bipolar or mental illness. So in a nutshell, when I lost my aunt back in 2016, she died two days before Christmas. She got sick on the 23rd of December in 2016. And it already died on Christmas Eve. With all her presents and everything still underneath, and it was the most devastating thing I've ever gone through. It really tore me up, it messed me up in so many ways. I was mad at God for like a day or two. And I just even no cancer girl what had happened. She got a stroke and died um from a brain bleed or something like that. And it was the most gut-wrenching thing I've ever been through. I miss her literally every day. She was like my second mom and um to the point where I used to call her a mommy, and it was just devastating. I don't think I've ever gone through something like that that was gorgeous because she was crying over the day on the day, you know, and everything just came falling down in that one night. Everything just came falling down in that one night, and you know, I have not been the same since about Christmas. It really has been quite a traumatic experience for me.

SPEAKER_00 28:18

Yeah, every relationship has ups and downs, right? Um, I feel for you when you say that you don't like to talk about your feelings with your mom because you don't want her to worry. That's why it's important to have um mental health uh assistance, like therapy. Also, I'm sorry about you know your dad being distant. I think it's also part of a a mentality being at a certain age, um, you kind of see things differently, right? Now, if you can give advice to someone who might be going through something similar, um, like with their own loved ones, uh, what would what what would be the advice?

SPEAKER_01 29:02

You know, um parental relationships differ for everyone. Um, whereas I may not be great with my parents. Um other persons may have like a two-parent household. So I came from a single-parent household where I was basically raised by my mom and four aunts. I was basically raised by four um very strong women, including my mom. So I'm very strong, headstrong, very strong-willed, and very um capable of doing a lot for myself. That what I can do. Um, I definitely have advice for persons who are struggling mentally and whether you have a mental illness and you know definitely dealing with you know, denial is definitely the first stage of dealing with any mental illness. Denial can take years, months, decades, however long it may take. But being in a position where you feel like you can't talk to your parents or family members, it can be stifling sometimes. I have to admit to you that it can be stifling. But definitely, you know, try and come from a soft perspective. Try and think things through before saying anything, you know. And um if you're especially going through something really bad that you feel like you can't talk to your parents about, it can be um very hard to even find the words to say because you don't know what position they're coming from. And you know, my parents are from the old school. I'm an 80s baby, so they're basically baby boomers, which means that they're elderly people. So it's not like the new up-and-coming parents nowadays. I think that nowadays generation it's harder for them to express themselves because their parents were literally kids. Um, so it's definitely harder um to communicate. But for me, I would definitely say, definitely pray about it first and seek God's guidance. That's the first thing. The second thing is just take them by the hand and let them know that look, I'm I'm struggling with this. I'm just going through a lot right now. And I don't know where to start, where to begin, what to say, what to think. And let them just know that, you know, this is going on and that it feels like your life is ending, it feels like you're not sure what the ro what direction to take. Um, you know, my dad is very difficult because he had a difficult childhood. So he has had some trauma from his own childhood. So expecting him to be like the best dad ever is a bit of a stretch. So definitely see your parents' point of view on where they are coming from in their own journey, their own childhood, and try and take it from there. If it's a case where the parent is abusive, find someone in your family that you can definitely um feel like you you can talk to, you can be friends with, you can be real with. Um vulnerability is very important. Um it it strips down the conversation to let them see what's going in your head, you know, and um I think acceptance is a huge thing in the mental health circle, um, especially with persons with mental illness. Whether it'd be bipolar or schizophrenia, acceptance is huge. Once you accept that this is your life, that your life doesn't end with this. Because it's just the beginning of a beautiful chapter, of a beautiful beginning, of a beautiful life, a life that is capable, a life that is abundant, a life that is fruitful, full of favor and prosperous. The possibilities are endless. But definitely I would suggest doing counseling with whoever your parent is to let the counseling, um, the counselor see through. It's always good to see through somebody else's eyes the problems that you're facing. I've been in therapy now for quite a few years, and it has helped me with the help of God to to see things differently, to do things differently. And parenting is not easy. Um, being a parent in this day and age, I can't imagine what challenges parents are facing. You know, raising children who are AI taught and taught by tablets and have no form of socialization can be difficult. And um it's just a whole new ball game. Now, when I grew up, I was mostly outside with friends, running up and down, playing hide and seek, um, going to movies, going to parties, going to barbecues, and we were a lot more socialized by then. And I think that new parents aren't willing to see things. They want things done. New parents now have to be dealing with um the child walking all over them. That being friends with that child is where we're at now in raising children. So it's very difficult now. Um my my own nephew, who is like a son to me, is now a parent, a very young parent and a very young husband, but he gets the job done regardless. And, you know, I guess if my grandniece, my first grandniece, if if she needs to talk to him or her mom, I presume that they find ways to to deal with things because she is now in high school. And so, you know, that's a whole new ball game for these kids now with bullying and and and cyberbullying and they're being cyberbullied now, they're being targeted by predators, they're being it's I think kids have a lot more to deal with now than when I was growing up. So, you know, just try and see things from your parents' point of view. Try and pray about it before moving forward. And just try and talk about things. Um I recommend also writing things down, maybe in a letter telling the parent, you know, how you feel, and just giving it to them, and that also helps as well. And um also journal about your feelings. I have yet to start journaling again, but definitely jot down your feelings and maybe just share it with your parents as well. You know, that's a great way to start a conversation on what you're going through. Because bear in mind that your parents are also going through their own, you know, um their own issues with their health and paying bills and paying a mortgage and doing so they have their own stresses as well. Try to see from that point of view as well and help out where you can. Help out around the house. Um, I'm not really big on that because um, but I try to do the best that I can to help out around the house if you're working, um, help out with the builds or necessary to ease the heavy load. So definitely just take it a day at a time as well. A day at a time in baby steps as much as possible. So those are just a few of my tidbits for just um getting through to your parents or a family member. As I say, if you feel like your parents are beyond abusive and you just can't talk, find a family member or maybe someone at your church or at your school or your workplace where you feel like you can be vulnerable. Vulnerability is not a weakness, it's not a form of weakness in any way. Vulnerability is a way to strip down um everything that is within you and lay it out on the floor, lay your cards out on the table and be vulnerable. Talk about the mistakes that you've made, the insecurities, the problems that you're facing, vulnerability is definitely the way to go.

SPEAKER_00 40:19

Yeah, that is all really great advice. I think that denial is a big deal. I think the first step is for people to agree and to know that they need help. And of course, being vulnerable is um is a positive as well. Listen, Robin, I'll end it here. Uh, thank you so much for joining me again. Keep your head up and stay strong. Uh take care. Okay, um, thanks.

SPEAKER_01 40:48

This has been a great little mini sesh. And um, if you ever need me for a podcast concerning anything else, just reach out at any time and I'll try and make myself available. Um, thanks so much. You've been so kind and wonderful. Thank you very much.