The Importance of Prioritizing Yourself - Rosa

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

I'm creating a space for real conversations about the things we often keep to ourselves, our struggles, our healing, and the stories that show who we are. Hello, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for joining me today on another mental health discussion. Um, before we begin, can you give yourself a little introduction? Hi, good afternoon.

SPEAKER_01 0:34

My name is uh Rosa Rochelle Gage. Um I am from the United States. I am well originally from Idaho, uh small town in Idaho. Um moved to Seattle and then from Seattle have lived my mostly in Southern California, which is where I'm at currently.

SPEAKER_00 0:58

Okay, awesome. Thanks for the introduction. Um, so the goal of this podcast is to talk about personal mental health journeys. So I'm just wondering what is your journey like mentally?

SPEAKER_01 1:10

Um, so recently is when I discovered that I even uh had mental health issues. Um six years ago, I met um the man who I thought was the man of my dreams. Um I had been a single mom for 15 years, you know, just doing everything on my own. Um, when I met him, that all changed. Um it was right at COVID. Um we it was new and exciting and rushed, but also just um it was my first kind of like, I don't know, like um all in. And uh we spent 24-7 after COVID. We got quarantined together. Um, and then my daughters uh ended up losing or like not having to go to school. So we just traveled intensely um the first few months of dating, and then we were married in October of 2020, 1010. Um, and that was like the roller coaster when I jumped on that roller coaster. Um, it was fun and exciting at first. Um, it was my first marriage. So I he had previously been married with some um, you know, scars, but I had not been married. Um I uh was had many of my parents to role model from who had still been married um and were together. And um we both grew up in the religious uh background of uh LDS and Mormon. Um, so that was what I had as a role model. Um so I dove in pretty much already kind of like exhausted, taking care of being a single mom. You know, my idea of a marriage was like, okay, now I have this partner. Um, he's gonna help out, contribute. And um actually that was nothing more than almost having another child, um, carrying not only my kids, but the weight of him, his family, his blended kids. Of he had five kids, two adult daughters, but then three boys that are under 18. And so it just began a um a roller coaster of just carrying too many things that weren't mine. Um, but I'm a people pleaser, I get things done. And so um I just, you know, pretty much just became a high functioning depression. I was um diagnosed with uh a couple of years back with just severe depression. And I'm like, well, I'm not depressed. I get up out of bed, I do all these things, and um, that's not me. That's not me. That can't be me. Um, but yeah, I didn't even know that that there was a high functioning, which means you just go, go, go, go, go, and you don't stop. You don't stop to deal with your own stuff that in internally is going on. So um, also a little bit about my background. Um, I've had decades, um, probably three decades of being in health and wellness, um massage, body work, um, Reiki energy work, um, several healing modalities that I uh actually healed people and helped people take away stress and um live a life of just being um yeah, just uh calmer, um mindful. Um, I did a lot of yoga, practiced yoga, things like that. Um and I've always been very mindful of my my own health um until you just uh end up, I ended up in fight or flight mode um too long and actually became what uh um addicted to the chaos. Um when now that you know the last year I've spent studying about my own recovery, um I got to a point where I had a one particular event on Mother's Day last year. We can segue that. But um I basically had um yeah, uh I've been uh working with um in neuroscience, and I love neuroscience and have studied just about everything about neuroscience. Um love how the body works, how the brain works, how it's all connected with the somatics. Um, on the cellular level, we store emotions, um, the body keeps score. And so unlocking and being able to unlock those with body work and things like that were um basically what I did. I could heal other people and help other people. Um, but I couldn't help myself. Um, you know, I knew all the things to do. I was doing the things that I thought I needed to do, but at some point the stress and the um overwhelm and everything else just got so out of control that that wasn't even touching the surface. Like I couldn't even maintain by doing yoga, doing um, you know, therapy things. Um it was just yeah, overwhelmed to a point where I um, you know, became addicted to the chaos. And then also the way that my husband um, you know, at first it was fun to drink um and uh, you know, laugh about, oh, we got to do this and you know, this big issue and things like that, and would work through it. But then it became a nightly um habit. And it's it wasn't just one or two drinks, it was, you know, three, four, five, you know, maybe six, and then get up and do it all over again. So became just our coping skill or coping um mechanism, as well as um my preference was actually smoking weed. Um, I lived in California long enough that I had had friends and it actually did help um calm me down. And also when my back would flare up and injuries, it would help with the pain and subsiding that. So I've always kind of dabbled with that on the side. But um yeah, I I uh uh last year this time ended up just using everything to a point where I was volatile and um just in a in a really, really bad place.

SPEAKER_00 7:45

Well, that's really rough. Um, it's always hard when people don't meet our expectations, right? Have you always been a people pleaser? Or are you currently working on that right now? Like, are you now able to put your foot down?

SPEAKER_01 8:04

Um, that's something that I have been working on. Um first, I yeah, I'm I am a people pleaser, but I think it's because I've just been, it's just something that's been taught. Um, so yes, working on some of the why am I a people pleaser, why um diving into the triggers and and and and what's going on there and why I can't say no, because I'm trying to um get validation or whatever comes back to kind of some childhood things and and trauma and of course childhood wounds that um you know it's it's it's not ever like the addiction or the the coping thing. It's it's why do we reach for anything? Why do we reach for something to cope instead of actually dealing with the emotions and feeling them and understanding where they're coming from? And um, so I am doing that now. Um, but yes, I've always been kind of a people pleaser, um, just trying to get validation for everything that I did in my life. Um, growing up in the family, I was in the middle of the four boys, in the middle of eight kids, and there was always an absence of, you know, uh that I even belonged in the family. Like I was so overlooked, and um I was always trying to like I guess meet my parents' expectations of like what my siblings were doing, but um that they were not me, and I didn't want those, you know. But that was just kind of how I grew up, and so yes, I am working on that now. I'm setting boundaries, and as I've been setting boundaries this past year, um, it's been interesting to see the uh not that um well, I guess yeah, the resistance. So once you set start setting boundaries to people that have been um abusing and over, well, I guess you're you're allowing them to um teach you how to treat you. Um it's been interesting the resistance between people, even my family, my um husband, some of you know, my my children, his children. Um, it all comes down to yeah, just setting those boundaries, but um staying firm to them. And the more that I do that, I'm finding peace and choosing me. And I can't take care of other people if I can't take care of myself. So it's been a really big eye-opening for me to put my oxygen mask on first and then fill up my cup, and then I can have a full cup so that I can help others and um help them put their oxygen mask on and fill up their cup. But that's a big, big thing that I've um worked on. I'm pretty confident in in uh applying that in daily things that are coming up and just going, okay, that's not mine. I'm not gonna carry that. You handle that. Um, but yeah. Uh and then yeah, let me know what else.

SPEAKER_00 11:14

I'm glad you're now able to have boundaries with people. That's really important. Are you now able to accept the help you need? Like, do you have therapy or any other um techniques?

SPEAKER_01 11:29

Um yes, it was um it wasn't until it was not that uh it wasn't like I um went and sought therapy at first. Um but it came to a point where um I knew I needed help, but I couldn't, and I knew I needed to change, but I couldn't change, and I kept doing the same things, um, even though I wanted to. Um consciously I wasn't able to. Uh I was I was just reacting. And so um that's where understanding the brain and how it works and addiction. Um I wasn't even making a conscious choice. Uh, I was reacting, and my body was just on autopilot and reacting and protecting and basically trying to keep me safe. And um living in that fight or flight mode was just automatically like, boom, I'm you're doing this, even though I made a plan. Here's what I'm doing here. And then as soon as I would get triggered um by something going on or an incident or you know, something with his one of his children at home or a discipline or like you know, not doing a chore, I just reacted and lashed in like not um so yeah, but I um ended up uh getting therapy. I've had about 10 months of therapy from basically all of last year. Um I had insurance, so the coverage was great, and um but because I also had uh was consuming more alcohol than I would like to, and I also could stop that, um, because that was just coping um and habit at that point. I formed a really bad habit. Um, I checked myself basically into a treatment center for uh alcohol drugs, and it was a dual diagnosis mental health as well, because it all falls into similar same category. So I have actually spent all months living away from my half husband, away from my family, um, where I was in a safe place to work through daily, um, pretty extensively in um therapy, group therapy as well as individual therapy, um, trauma therapy. I had a lot of traumatic events and then compounded um PTSD from all of those events that also happened over the last six years. Um that, you know, even like the death of my dad, I didn't even process until literally like a month ago. Um, just because it was yeah, so many other things. Um, and I didn't have the capacity. So understanding that, but yes, I I've I've gotten therapy now um pretty extensively to answer your question. But um, and I I I'm grateful and blessed that I had the insurance coverage that paid for it. Um, I didn't have to pay anything out of pocket, and so I was just basically using everything that I could. Um as far as coverage, I also did uh not EMDR uh therapy, although I was on the list for that. Um I did uh transcranial magnetic stimulation, which if you research and do a little bit of that, it's similar, other than you're stimulating the brain. It's kind of like having a woodpecker on your head um on the right front uh lobe and um stimulating your brain um so that you can basically unlock those traumatic events and um without actually experiencing them and feeling them and having to like relive them. So that was really interesting, but quite helpful. I did uh 36 sessions every day um consecutively, and I found a lot of help with that. Uh and yeah, now I've just tapered it back to um, you know, just pretty much uh that all ended about the middle of January, end of January, actually, with therapy and you know, yeah, so January. So now I've just been on my own um doing you know things, yoga, the meditation every day, things like that. Um uh and then I actually just left in March. Well, yeah, I'll I'll I'll stop there because yeah, in January, end of in end of January is is when I've been kind of like stepped back from the therapy.

SPEAKER_00 16:24

Wow, yeah. Um, I'm glad you were able to have the tools to help. Um, how are you doing right now though? Are you managing well? I know we all still have bad days, but I'm just wondering how you're doing overall.

SPEAKER_01 16:39

Um right now I'm doing good. Uh in the end of January, uh was kind of a going get back to reality moment um to live with my husband. And it was going to be living on a sailboat with him, um, which is kind of a small space compared to the house that we used to have um a year ago. And so yeah, I emotionally I'm not safe with him. Um, he does still continue to drink and do some things like that that um just I know that I need to, it's it's easier for me to not have that around. Um so but honestly, just other things that uh, you know, I just emotionally did not feel safe with him. Um he also has been living in fight or flight. Uh he had an incident where I wish he could do what I've done. Um, but because he has to provide for the family and work and responsibilities, um, he hasn't been able to have a chance to do that. So he actually um kind of had a moment where I was gonna be moving back up to the boat. He was realizing that that, you know, that's not gonna be good for either of us. Um, but he couldn't handle the conflict and basically he was in his fight or flight, was frozen. Um, I came up and found him in a really depressed state on the boat. Um, because I was still living at the time down in a uh women's house, uh sober living, um, went up and and and found him in this condition and was really concerned for him, um, his mental health as well. Uh and I was like, dude, you've got to go get yourself out of fight or flight. Like I am thankful that I've been able to do this. But you also need to check yourself and um, you know, get some help, which he didn't have the opportunity to to jump into services and things like that. But he did go on a um a kind of a soul searching retreat to Bali and um was able to spend 30 days, disconnect, um, and at least have 30 days before he was actually gonna be getting his 17-year-old son to come live with us on the boat, which um at that point he's a he had been gone a month. Uh, this is now March about first. He was coming home back back to LA. Um, I just found out where he was um like a few days prior, but I picked him up from the airport and I actually had to, it would it was not sitting well with me. Um, but I had had an opportunity and I took it. Um, I had to make a decision without him. Um, so I picked him up from the airport. We spent a couple nights together, it was great. But then on that Thursday, um, I was actually jumping on a flight and was leaving for Spain. Um, I um had an opportunity to volunteer at a meditation yoga retreat center. They do really deep like inner work, inner child work, um uh things like that. And it was a daily um thing. So I am over to Spain right now, currently. Um, I've been here for five weeks, six weeks. Um, and the transformation and what I've been able to really just being immersed in here, not having anything that was familiar and comfortable so that I could reach for my other things has been, uh I think, you know, a huge part of my recovery right now to where I fully see clearly, I see patterns, I am changing those patterns, I see things that I'm like, wow, okay, that's interesting. That's coming, where is that coming from? Um, we a lot of it's childhood, a lot of it's like our up my upbringing. Those were not my beliefs, those are my parents' beliefs, my, you know, how I was supposed to act, how I but um there's been a lot of things that have been surfacing. Um, our communication is still getting better, but I am communicating better. I'm looking at things more logically instead of reactionary. Um, so I am taking that time to kind of process things first before I respond to them. And um I've done a lot of growth. I'm doing a lot of growth and healing, and it's really exciting. So um, I'm actually still in Spain. Uh, we have a little break um this week. And so I'm over on the island of Majorca for the first time. Um and then I go back on Wednesday, and then we start another session for the the guests. So um it was the only way that I could afford to even continue therapy that I needed in like this immersion is um volunteering. So I'm cooking, I'm cleaning, I'm doing things like that. So I'm not you know paying anything to be here. Other than I do get to do the sessions around when I do the various chores and stuff. So and it's all vegan, which is also something very new to me. Very vegan. And then also we do like a silent dinner. So yeah, but just very intentional living and very simple. I've been able to just slow down and actually be in the present and um find peace.

SPEAKER_00 22:33

Wow, that's amazing. Um, you know, sometimes we need to put ourselves first, right? I think you're doing everything the right way to care about yourself. Um now, if you can give advice to anyone who's going through something similar, what would it be?

SPEAKER_01 22:51

Um, wow, that is a really good question. Um, but if I could give one piece of advice to somebody else, um that it's okay to not be okay and it's okay to ask for help. And I think so many times we just try to power through it and you know, just I got this and we can do this, and I can I I have this, and I I didn't have it. Um, and I didn't give myself the I think um the what's the word? I didn't give myself the uh the idea. I think that I wasn't okay because I'd been pretending for so long that I was okay, that um I didn't give myself the permission to not ever be not okay. Um, so I think that's the biggest thing that I would suggest and and you know pass on to people is it's okay to not be okay. Um and that doesn't mean that you're broken and whatever. It just means that you're not okay right now and you need to step back and you need to take a moment and figure out how you can get okay again. So um yeah, with that, uh yeah, lots of but there's so many other things, but I think that's probably the simplest one, but this the most impactful and powerful one is that um that that I learned. I it it's okay for me to not be okay. Um, and and that doesn't mean that I'm not okay. It just means that what's going on around me and my environment is impacting me a point to a point where I'm not okay with it and I need to do something about it, but I just didn't know what. Um and asking for help to help through those to find out how I get through it and how I make it okay again. So yeah, thank you for your time. Appreciate it.

SPEAKER_00 24:48

Wow, I love that. Uh it's okay not to be okay. I love that a lot. Um, okay, Rosa. So that was really great advice. I'll end it here. Uh, thank you so much for joining me again. Keep persevering and take care.