Marshall’s Fight: Cancer, Advocacy & The Hardest Goodbye

In one of the most emotional episodes yet of the Long Live Dogs: Pitbulls & Pet Grief Podcast, Craig opens up about the heartbreaking loss of his beloved dog Marshall after a more than two-year battle with canine cancer.

Craig shares what it was like fighting cancer in dogs, navigating difficult specialist appointments, and learning how to advocate for your dog at the vet when something doesn’t feel right. He speaks honestly about the emotional toll of anticipatory grief after a dog cancer diagnosis, the guilt many pet parents carry, and the desperate hope for just a little more time.

Together, Craig and Josephine discuss holistic dog care, quality of life for dogs with cancer, rescue dog advocacy, and the reality of coping with losing a dog when you’re simply not ready to let go.

This episode is for every dog parent who has ever loved deeply, fought hard for their dog, and experienced the heartbreak of pet grief and saying goodbye.

We dedicate this Episode to Marshall Mathers 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

This episode is one of our most personal yet. Craig opens up about losing his beloved dog, Marshall, after a more than two-year battle with cancer, and how he put everything on hold to make sure Marshall's final years were filled with love, comfort, and good days. We also talk about the heartbreak of delayed diagnoses, unanswered questions, and the reality that rescue dog parents often have to fight harder to advocate for their dogs. After losing three of his own dogs and two shelter dogs in just the last month, Craig and Josephine share an honest conversation about grief, burnout, and how you keep going when your heart keeps breaking. If you've ever loved and lost a dog, this episode will truly speak to your heart. We dedicate episode four to Marshall.

SPEAKER_02 0:45

Today we're going to be talking about the passing of my of my uh of my main man, Mr. Mathers, Marshall Mathers. And uh for those of you who do not know uh Marshall's been well Marshall was on a a two-year uh fight against cancer in uh in April of of 20 20 you know 2024, he started uh having uh episodes of diarrhoea and he was throwing up. Uh so I you know took him to the vet and make a long story short, in June uh he was diagnosed with cancer and uh he started going downhill real fast. Uh he was losing weight. But as soon as I found out it was cancer, uh I switched his uh diet around. I put him on steamed chicken and vegetables and sweet potatoes. Uh I had uh started giving I was giving them the 501 mushrooms, which he just started receiving, but I started giving them a heavy dose of uh THC CBD uh infused with turkey tail mushrooms and alkaline water. And uh for a little while there, it wasn't going very good. Uh in August, I remember it was August 26th. I uh I actually called you know Lappa Love to see if they had any appointments available because he had explosive diarrhea in the bed and I just uh I thought he was struggling and uh you know I didn't want to see him suffer. And so I I I actually uh you know had contemplated putting him down, which is which is insane. Uh but but I didn't. And literally that from that day on he just steadily improved, man. It was crazy. He just got better and better and started putting on a little bit more weight and a little bit more weight, and then uh the next thing you know, he was back to normal weight, and I just uh I couldn't, I just couldn't believe it. And he and he uh he ended up you know being cancer free, which uh you know, which was amazing. And uh I literally spent every second with him uh you know thinking that he was you know that he was gonna pass. And uh so that continued. Uh he came everywhere with me. I put uh dog 0411 on hold. I stopped going out on rescues. Well, I stopped going out on rescues when he got sick. I wanted to spend every possible second with him. I thought he was dying, you know. So if I couldn't take him with me, I wasn't going. And I certainly didn't want to go on rescues and possibly bring in a sick dog, you know, and have them in the car with me, you know, or in the truck with me. So I pretty much, you know, put everything on hold, my life, everything that I couldn't do with him. And I spent every second with him, which which was amazing. Uh and then that brings me to to December of this year, of last year, I'm sorry. And I noticed that he had uh he had like the little ball in his neck. And uh so I I I went to uh I went to Infanuso and I asked them, I said, you know, can this you know can we safely remove this? And they said, you know, I said he's 13, he's 13 right now. You know, he was 13 in a couple of months, his birthday was November 15th. Uh so uh, you know, I they said, you know, no problem, they can remove it. So he goes in for surgery. Uh I think the surgery was in January, or it might have been it might have been the end of January, but he he went he went in, he went in for surgery, and when I picked him up, uh I noticed his stomach was bloated, and uh so I I I I took him home and I called the animal surgical center and they're like, oh, he might have bloat. I'm like, oh, so you gave me a dog with bloat. So I I I thought you know maybe I was overreacting and he was just a little, you know, uh not doing well from the surgery. So I uh I waited till the morning. I got up at about six in the morning, and he was still the same. So I I I took him. I mean I went to Grady immediately. I called and they met me at Grady at Open. And uh Regan took a look at him and said he's not recovering well from surgery, he needs to go to emergency. So I rushed him to emergency. They took him in. The prognosis was not good. They didn't the the the woman, the the doctor said, you know, prepare yourself. You know, he's in really grave condition. And once again, I thought I was gonna lose him, you know. And uh I was kicking myself in the ass for doing the surgery. I said I should have just left it alone, and you know, you start having second dots. But this son of a bitch, man, he made it, he pulled through. And uh, I think a lot has to do with it that you know, from having the 501 mushrooms, I believe that his immune system uh that had helped his immune system, and even at his age, he was able to fight this off, and and he survived. Uh but a short time after that, multiple lumps screw back on his neck. So uh in the process of it being taken out, of course, we had it tested, and I Dr. Infonuso calls me and he says, Craig, we got great news. It's not cancer. I was so fucking happy, I couldn't fucking believe it. I was just, I mean, oh my god, the joy that came over me when they said he was cancer free. But I said, Well, what's going on? Because, you know, they grew back. So what is it? Oh, we're gonna do more testing. So they say they're gonna do more testing, they don't call me. Couple of weeks go by, and I'm like, wow, you know, they didn't call me. But I wasn't not that I wasn't overly concerned. Well, I knew it wasn't cancer, so I I guess I wasn't like, you know, but then I was like, wait, they didn't call me. So I call them. Oh, let me let me let me find out. So then they don't call me back for another couple of days, and then Infanuso calls me back and he's like, Well, they think, you know, it's got different cells, and uh, you know, it might be cancer. I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, what do you mean it might be cancer? You called me and told me it was absolutely not cancer. Well, you know, it's this and that, and just you know, double talking me. And I said, I want to fucking know if it's cancer. Like, what do you mean you don't know if it's cancer? You're telling me it's cancer, it might be cancer. I want to know is it fucking cancer or not? So, oh, we'll have to do more testing. So they do more testing, and of course, of course, I had to call and seek the information. Then I finally get him on the phone, and after two and a half months, okay, after two and a half to almost three months that it was removed, they tell me he's got lymphoma. Right now, just a side note he passed away, it'll be two weeks Tuesday. I have called Infanuso multiple times. I have requested from his manager, Christina, multiple times for an explanation of what the fuck took so long to tell me he had cancer, and why did I get it's absolutely not cancer to it, might be cancer to cancer with no explanation, zero explanation. And over the years, uh this has been something that Infonuso has changed. I don't I don't like the person he is anymore, and I don't care that I'm saying it on this podcast because it's how I feel. And uh and to be honest, I'm gonna get answers, or I'll go even more public with this through social media, because if I don't get answers, everyone's gonna know, and I'm not gonna let anyone else be affected like I am today because they're not doing their job right over there, and then don't even have the decency to call me and apologize for giving me a dog with bloat. First of all, they shouldn't be doing surgeries if they can't keep a dog overnight. They've released him two hours after a surgery because they ended up doing a surgery late after postponing it the day before. I had to drive all the way out there and pick him up. Okay, so I don't know what's going on over there. Uh, but I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. But he should have he should have been able to stay there, didn't apologize for giving me a dog a bloat, actually denied it. Actually denied it, and then didn't apologize for telling me my dog absolutely does not have cancer. I could have started therapy three months ago, but instead I started therapy three weeks before he died. So I'm convinced I could have got even more time out of him if these pricks would have told me it was cancer the original time. And I still can't get anyone to even give me a call. You would think, like knowing that Marshall has passed away, that they would have the decency to give me a call, but they don't. Uh but that'll be addressed on a bigger platform than this. Uh but unfortunately, uh last uh two Tuesdays ago, uh you know, nothing everything was the same. He got up. He did like this little like, well, first of all, he ate a full meal, finished his whole meal. And then he did, when Marsha was happy, he used to do like this little jump hop that he would do. And he did that that morning, went out to the car, you know, we went to the rescue, uh, you know, I did what I had to do there, uh, and then came back home, you know, was on the couch all day. Then, you know, we jumped in the car. Uh later on that day, you know, uh, we went for a ride, and then we came home, and uh, you know, I was trading on the computer, and then we just went to sleep and he just never got up.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

He was sleeping next to you?

SPEAKER_02 11:25

Uh he actually, and I'm and I'm a little upset about this. He actually fell asleep on the bed in front of the bed. And he was doing that. Like he would when I when I'm trading, he would there was a kid, there's a couch next to where I trade, and he would like lay on the couch. So if I was trading like later on and he didn't want to get up, I'd be like, come on, Marsh, come on, and he wouldn't want to get up, but he fell asleep on the bed. And I'm like, come on, Marsh, come on. And he didn't he didn't get on the bed. So it's funny that you say that because I'm like, I'm like so sorry, you know, that I didn't make him get on the bed. I know, but it is what it is. I can't, you know.

SPEAKER_01 11:59

No, but you know what? It's like I don't know, I feel like they do they know what's gonna happen almost. They even say sometimes they'll go off into another corner, whatever.

SPEAKER_02 12:09

Yeah, I think he didn't want me to see him die, you know.

SPEAKER_01 12:12

Yeah, I'm so sorry. Oh um, but you gotta think of the positive stuff. I mean, you brought him back and you got so much more time. Um, and one thing I want to say is that you treated him holistically with mushrooms, right? Um, the alkaline water, CBD. So he had that quality of life during that time. I know a lot of dogs that go through cancer, unfortunately, too many, they go through that horrendous chemo protocol and they're like sick for the next few months or days or weeks. They they just lose all that quality time with their family, you know. And I think that, you know, that's all they really want is that those quality days. Like, of course, you know, we always want more, but um I know with my Bella, she had adrenal cancer, and um, I got another five months. At the time, I did know I was giving her mushrooms, but I didn't know about bully crew or CBD, and I wish I did back then. So I only got another five months with her, but you know, up until the last day, she was playing, eating, yeah, happy, you know.

SPEAKER_02 13:28

Yeah, but I mean, if I would have known right away, yeah, I could have treated it more aggressively, you know, with you know, and it just sucks. It really does. It just sucks. And and the fact that he passed away and I still can't get answers. I know, you know, and I just texted her yesterday. I'm like, oh, you know, no, no call. And I'm not even she's not even texting me back and saying, oh, he's gonna call, or no, he's not gonna call, or no, he's a piece of shit and and doesn't really have an answer for you, so he's gonna avoid you.

SPEAKER_01 13:57

So the thing is, like, what bothers me is I don't know if you feel this way, but with these vets, sometimes if they hear the word rescue, I don't know if do they not do what they're supposed to do sometimes.

SPEAKER_02 14:09

I mean you you you know it it's true. I I don't I don't think uh I think well this is how this is how I have felt over the years when I bring dogs to vets and they know it's a rescue. So you walk in and you're like, it's my personal dog. Oh, it's your personal dog. Okay, and then you walk in and you go, oh, it's a rescue dog. Oh, it's a rescue dog? Hold on.

SPEAKER_00 14:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:35

I feel like they don't get the immediate attention, they don't get the right appointments. No, I don't know. I always feel like when I go to a vet with the rescue dog, that it they don't look at me the same as they look at me when I go with uh when with my dog.

SPEAKER_01 14:49

I mean, I mean yeah, I mean, I've even said I I had a foster that was having surgery, a rescue, and I said to the doctor, and it was at Liv's, you know, that's another favorite of that fucking those scumbag fucks. Yeah, so I said to her, listen, do not think of him as a rescue. Okay, I'm gonna adopt him and he's my dog. Yeah, and I don't don't worry about money or anything.

SPEAKER_02 15:15

It's like terrible that they do that. I mean that we both feel like that and never discussed it before, yeah, and we're just like bringing it up now and we both feel like that, then that's real. It's it is real like we don't both accidentally feel like that, right?

SPEAKER_01 15:27

No, I I mean I've seen it at I Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:30

It's crazy, man.

SPEAKER_01 15:31

I mean, there was one time I went into a vet with a with a foster too that I ended up adopting. They wouldn't take care of her because the rescue hadn't paid the balance.

SPEAKER_02 15:41

Oh my god, don't get me started.

SPEAKER_01 15:43

And now I'm like, what do you mean?

SPEAKER_02 15:44

She's I think she had high relatively we can't start treatment until we get a 75% deposit. Oh, really? So if the dog was dying, you're not gonna start treatment because I didn't get the money yet. I mean, like, I understand you want the money, but like not starting treatment because you didn't get the money yet. I mean, so I don't know. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 16:03

It's upsetting, I don't know. I don't know. I don't wanna it's really upsetting.

SPEAKER_02 16:06

Yeah, that this this has turned into uh I mean, rightfully so, you know, emergency room bashing. But no, I did wanna I did want to bring up the point that I did extend Marshall's life by two years, and I did that by changing his diet, giving him mushrooms, giving him high content THC, right? A higher content THC in the CBD, okay, and alkaline water. If you do research on alkaline water, you'll understand why. And I got an extra almost a full two years. Actually, it was a full two years to the point of when he first started having problems. I got so I got two years out of him. And when I tell you that's amazing, and I spent every second of my life with him for the last two years. I was gonna say two quality years because I remember last summer he was like swimming and every day, every day he swam with me every single day, every single day we went by the pool. I I it's like I can't even, I don't even like, of course, I'm gonna open the pool, but it's like it's gonna be the first season that we don't have any swimmers.

SPEAKER_01 17:14

Oh yeah. Well, maybe a rescue pup can come out for the day, right?

SPEAKER_02 17:19

Yeah, no, I'll get my dogs to sleep. Yeah, they'll be swimming by the end of the summer, you know. So uh, but I I did wanna I did want to stress to people that uh I feel that diet, supplements, and not overvaccinating, I can't say it enough, is gonna is gonna is gonna give your dog more time on this planet and give you more time with your dog.

SPEAKER_00 17:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:47

So I started gently cooking for my dogs. I don't do RAW anymore. And the reason why is uh a couple of my dogs were getting really bad indigestion from it, and they were burping like disgusting burps, and almost like burping up uh like you could literally smell the meat. And since I switched them, I mean I was going back and forth with the gently cooked and raw anyway. Uh, but since I realized they were only doing this with the raw, I kind of stopped with the raw. So my dogs are completely on you know, gently cooked, either chicken or uh or turkey. And uh I think it's important that if you want to keep your dog on this planet longer, do not feed your dog kibble under any circumstance.

SPEAKER_01 18:27

Yeah. And uh I did the same thing. I was doing raw, and one of mine kept regurgitating all the time.

SPEAKER_02 18:34

Yeah, yeah. I noticed, yeah. You know what's funny is that's what uh Dubrunch was doing every morning. He was like almost like throwing up in his mouth. And I was I was getting nervous. He was gonna aspirate. Well, that's and then as soon as I took him off the raw, it stopped.

SPEAKER_01 18:48

So I I cook, um, and I do I do like um turkey, I do sometimes ground beef and stuff like that. But yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:57

Vegan mixes ground beef in two, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:00

Do you ever do fish?

SPEAKER_02 19:02

Yeah, we do, we do sometimes. Yeah, like you know, uh, she's been uh doing sardines. Oh, yeah, they love that, and sometimes salmon, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:11

Yeah, I did this morning, so they had cod, they had mixed vegetables, you know, they they love breakfast. I mean, I don't I you ever meet people that say their dogs don't want to eat because they're feeding them kibble?

SPEAKER_02 19:23

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My dogs always want to eat, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:26

Like when we talk about grief, um, some like you, you're the type that doesn't you stop whatever what you were doing that they loved, right?

SPEAKER_02 19:35

Well, I don't I don't necessarily like categorize it as I need to stop doing what they love. But if it was something I did with them and I and I and I do it and I don't feel good, then I stop, you know? Like uh so like I was saying, Marshall used to sit with me while I traded every day, you know. So after he passed away, I had to move my location where I was trading because I would get so sad sitting in the same spot looking at where I would look at him every day for the last two years. He literally sat next to me every day while I traded for the last two years. Yeah, and see not seeing him there, I couldn't concentrate. And since I moved my location of where I'm trading, I got I started doing better. I know. I think it I didn't, I wasn't in a good frame of mind. I was taking bad trades. I I just I wasn't and then the second I moved a location, I went six and oh, and that's six wins and zero losses in two days.

SPEAKER_01 20:42

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 20:43

So uh I I I I I go by like you know how I feel, you know. So I did like uh I kind of stopped doing pack walks because some of them couldn't walk, and I felt so bad, like sneaking some out to do walks.

SPEAKER_01 21:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:01

So like we used to have to like bring dogs out this way and go that way, and you know, all trying, you know. So uh like different things happened, like different things happen, and then I I do different things.

SPEAKER_01 21:15

It changes, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:16

Yeah, and now I'm happy that I'm in here, and I still think think about you know like I still think about them all the time, but I'm in a happy place, yeah. And I'm thinking about them happy, not sitting where I was. I don't know. I I I don't know. It's it's uh I guess it's my own little way of of uh of dealing with it. Yeah, maybe feeling better, maybe that makes me feel better, or uh but I did I think that's the biggest thing.

SPEAKER_01 21:42

Like I learned, I mean, I've been reading a lot of books about it, especially with pet grief. And um, if you hold on to it, you ever meet someone who lost, well, you know, like we've all been there where you're so sad and so like you just can't function, right? But like that. It's I feel like it sort of blocks everything. It blocks the dog from being able to move on, you know, even though they're still gonna be with us, we don't want them stuck, you know.

SPEAKER_02 22:11

So I I said this to you. I I feel like I'm stuck on empty.

SPEAKER_01 22:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:20

I feel like there's an there's an emptiness about my life, you know? Like I still laugh, I still smile, you know. We went out last night, you know, to dinner, me and V, we had a great time, you know, we ate, we smiled, we laughed. But like on the way home, it's there, there's just an empty, you know, there's like an emptiness, and it doesn't go away. And you can still be happy, you know, but you always have that emptiness, and that's what I think pet grief is is just the the void that will never be filled again. Yeah, and it can't be filled because uh you can replace a dog, right? But you can't replace the dog, right? Like you you can get another dog, you right, but you're not gonna get Mac again. And you're not gonna get Marshall again, you're not gonna get Nathan again. Uh so it's irreplaceable, you know.

SPEAKER_01 23:22

And you so no, it's so true, and um it's just like a per a human that loses a child. They're never gonna they're never gonna be the same again, ever. You know? I feel like that's sort of how I feel.

SPEAKER_02 23:36

It it it is, and that, and that, and I've and I have and I have heard that from people who have who have reached out to me and said that I'm experiencing the same pain that they're experiencing by losing a child. And I know that, you know, unfortunately, my cousin passed away in a car accident many, many years ago. She was only 20. And my aunt, my poor aunt, just she just don't ever, it doesn't ever leave you. I mean, she talks about her, you know, all the time, and it's a it's a hole that just can't be filled. Yeah, you know, and you know, she still enjoyed life, and but you just uh you know, you go through you continue life with an emptiness that can't be filled.

SPEAKER_01 24:20

Yeah, it's so true. But I know like for me, um it's been seven years since I lost Howard, eight since Princess, um, and let I think it's been six years since Bella and Beanie and all the others. I lost like four within two years because they were all getting, they were around the same age. Um so my thing was when I lost the first one, I needed to do something just to make myself feel better. So I I started this little garden, right? And I bought a little stone, whatever. And it would be like I come out in the morning and it would make me smile. And then maybe I'd be working in it, planting a new flower, whatever. Then something would grow and it would make me happy. And then I would see birds and little butterflies. So anyway, yesterday I went out there because we bought a new bird feeder and I realized, oh my God, so the garden has now it's from one point of the yard all the way to the other side.

SPEAKER_02 25:19

Oh, that's awesome.

SPEAKER_01 25:20

Because it's been five dogs that we've lost. They're not in my landscaper, asked me if I planted if they're in there. I'm like, no, they're not. They're not in there. No, yeah, he thought because it's like a memorial garden, but they're not in there, but it's their spirit.

SPEAKER_02 25:35

They're in there in spirit.

SPEAKER_01 25:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:36

Right.

SPEAKER_01 25:37

But like when I see a cardinal in there or or yeah, yeah, you know, it just makes me feel like they're visiting. And yeah, I have this bulldog statue, and sometimes a cardinal will like land on its head. So I'm like, it's gotta be them, right?

SPEAKER_02 25:51

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:52

But I mean, and I like, you know, like seeing the growth too makes me happy when the plants come back.

SPEAKER_02 25:57

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:58

But I mean, it's that's awesome. Yeah, that that makes me happy. But then of course, you know, you then another day you're sad.

SPEAKER_02 26:05

But yeah, see, that's you know, that's the but you know, I I always say this too. I I feel like the sadness overcomes you because it's a testament to how much unconditional love you received.

SPEAKER_01 26:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:19

You know, I I feel like I I feel like that uh when you uh when you uh receive uh such like unconditional love where you know the dog never did you dirty and you know you don't have a reason, you don't have one iota of like anything that you could say that you know the unconditional love that you received uh is just so strong that it just leaves a hole that can never be filled.

SPEAKER_01 26:54

It's so true, I know. So let me ask you something.

SPEAKER_02 26:59

Um so you lost uh Nathan, um Marshall, Tippi, Tippi, and then you have from the rescue, Jack Tippy, Tippy, so Tippi passed away on Friday. I had to put Nathan down on Tuesday, and then uh five weeks later, Marshall passed away. Then Bear passed away two days after Marshall. I'm sorry, Marshall passed away on Tuesday, Bear passed away on Saturday, and then Dak got adopted, got there Sunday night, spent Monday, and passed away Tuesday morning a week after Marshall. So in six in six weeks and two days three of my personal dogs and two rescue dogs.

SPEAKER_01 27:58

So how do how can you even be sitting there standing? I mean it I mean sitting there saying how how do you even function?

SPEAKER_02 28:06

Like, because I don't have a choice. Yeah, you know, I have I have to get up every morning and I have to get out of bed and I have to take care of my responsibilities, whether I'm depressed or not. So I choose not to be depressed. Yeah, and I try to use the energy in a positive way that I try to make myself do and be happy. You know, get up in the morning, you know, I started I told you I started feeding the birds, you know. So I get up in the morning, you know, I do that, I I hop on the computer, I trade, which I, you know, which makes me happy, but I choose you know, I choose to get up every day and fight it because otherwise I wouldn't get out of bed, you know. Sometimes I don't want to get out of bed.

SPEAKER_01 28:52

It's true.

SPEAKER_02 28:53

You know, sometimes I don't want to do anything, but I know that that's not what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to take care of my responsibilities regardless of how I feel. And uh, you know, I've said this before too. I'm from a different era. Like, I'm not with this new wave of you know, pity party people. I don't throw pity parties for myself. I'm a man about my business, I take care of my business regardless of my feelings. I have a responsibility to my wife and my dogs uh that they need to be cared for. And I can't be laying around in bed. So I choose to get out of bed with a positive mind so I can function on a higher level.

SPEAKER_01 29:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:34

It's but the pain, the pain, the pain is always there, you know. But so are the memories. So I choose to side with the memories instead of the pain, so I can function as a human.

SPEAKER_01 29:44

Yeah, I know for my for me too, like I tried immediately. What am I gonna do that's gonna put a positive spin on this? Like, that's how I deal with it, like the garden. But also, like I I I'll do like uh blanket drive for shelter, you know. I like doing that kind of stuff, it just makes me happy. Um, but the other thing, it's interesting with all the dogs that I've had over the years, and I've seen them go through things, whether I I had a dog once that had a hip surgery and she was going through recovery and you know, cancer, all this stuff. They just kind of just deal with it and jump, they just go forward, right? Like I remember coming home from the hospital, she had major hip surgery, and it was like, okay, what's you know, let's move forward. So I I feel like with me, I try to take a page from their book, you know, like I'm not gonna forget them and I'm not gonna I'm gonna honor them every day. You know, I talk to them every day, but I'm going to try to move forward like they would, you know, as far as like living in the now. Yeah, living in the now.

SPEAKER_02 30:54

You know, I'm never gonna forget them. I'm gonna keep that memory alive forever. But I can't, I can't function like that. I need to, you know, regardless of how I feel, I need to take care of my responsibilities and I need to have a positive, a positive energy. Yeah, so I try to stay as positive as possible. It's not easy, but it's my only choice, you know, it's my only choice.

SPEAKER_01 31:18

So yeah. So how old was Marshall? He was 13 and a half.

SPEAKER_02 31:22

So Marshall was Marshall, uh if so on on May 15th, he would have been uh 13 and a half.

SPEAKER_01 31:31

So I was reading this thing, I wanted to ask you about this. And have you heard of this anticipary grief? No, especially when you're going through a dog with a dog who has cancer or something, where you like you have that anticipation that their their days are limited, and it's like the grief already starts where you're like looking at them. Oh, is today gonna be the day? Like, you know, is that a bad thing? And had you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_02 31:58

Like, yeah, I I I think I think that's a real thing. I I do. I think I had that for two years with Marshall, and I had it with Mac too, because Mac was diagnosed with cancer, and I had it with Nathan too, because Nathan was diagnosed with cancer. But you know, uh so I'm I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna end with this, right? No matter how much you prepare, like when I took in all these dogs 13 years ago, I had a conversation with my mom, and I'm like, you know what's gonna fucking suck, right? She's like, what? I'm like when they all gonna they're all gonna pass away, and they're all gonna pass away around the same time. And that conversation seemed like yesterday, and now that day is here. And when I when we had the conversation, I know in my head I was like, ah, I got plenty of time for that, you know? And no matter what, no matter what, even though at that time in my head I knew what I was doing, I knew that I knew I knew the end result, what the end result was gonna be is that they were all gonna probably pass away around the same time, give or take, right? And even though I had all that time to contemplate it, and even though Marshall got sick two years before, and even though Nathan got sick three months before, and even though Mac was diagnosed with cancer uh a couple of months before he passed away, nothing prepares you for them dying. You can prepare all you want. Yeah, you can say you're gonna do this, you can say you're gonna do that. You know the time that it comes if you have to call and have them come to the house to do it. And even though you know that it's happening and it's gonna be that minute, nothing prepares you for for the end. No, there's nothing you can do, and as many times as I've been through it, it never gets easier, it actually gets harder. Yeah, and it's just something that me personally that I will continue to do over and over again. I know a lot of people say, Oh, I can never get another dog, and I'm not that guy. I will continue to keep getting dogs, and I will continue to give dogs second chances until I am not here anymore.

SPEAKER_01 34:13

Yeah, and I think that's what they want. Like you're never gonna have a dog. Let's say you you're losing a dog, you lost your dog. Your dog is not gonna be like, I don't ever want you to have another dog, you know.

SPEAKER_02 34:28

I I think it would be quite the opposite. I'm pretty sure that each and every one of any human out there, their dog would want them to rescue another dog. Like, just really think about that. Like your dog not wanting you to save another dog. Yeah, like dogs aren't like humans, you know? No, you know, they wouldn't be jealous, right? They're not, it's not like that. Like, you know, I understand you have a wife, your wife passes away, you know, and you don't want to date anyone. Yeah, you know, whatever. You know, I I understand that, you know, but uh, you know, not getting another dog because you think your dog would be mad.

SPEAKER_01 35:04

Yeah, that's a little crazy. And I feel like I don't know. When I got my Barney, um he was a puppy, and we had just lost, you know, the four. And it was like, I don't know, there's little things that I see in him that remind me of the others. Like he'll do little behaviors, and every now and then it like I have to second look, like is they send you.

SPEAKER_02 35:29

I think I think dogs send you dogs.

SPEAKER_01 35:31

I feel like they send it, and and maybe even they whisper, like, hey, yeah, get remind her about it.

SPEAKER_02 35:37

I definitely believe that. I do believe that.

SPEAKER_01 35:39

Yeah, yeah. All right, that's good. But uh, you know, I know, like, look, the fact that you extended his life for that long, and you know, I know it's tough.

SPEAKER_02 35:51

No, it sucks, but I'm happy. You know, the the the thing that I'm most happy about is I literally spent every fucking second of my life with him. Like, I mean, he was with me every second, unless I was at the gym or or when I, you know, was doing the the you know routine at the rescue, you know, when I would help at the you know, when I helped at the rescue, he was with me every second of my life.

SPEAKER_01 36:13

And then for the last two years. He was in the car waiting, right?

SPEAKER_02 36:16

Yeah, oh no, he was with me, yeah. But just as I did the morning routine, which you know, done with the morning routine in 45 minutes, you know. Yeah, so it wasn't much that I was away from him. And you know, I would even, you know, as I'm walking all the dogs, I'm walking by the car, you know. It's but I I spent every second with him, and I'm I'm really grateful for that. And I miss him so much. Uh, but I'm gonna just honor his and Mac and Nathan and Tippy and and Aliah and Maddie and Blue and Dante and and Meadow and Mace and China and Najee and Aita and Hope and Lucky and Jamie. It's the list goes on and on and on and on, you know. But I will honor them all, you know, until the day I die.

SPEAKER_01 37:04

And that's what they want. I mean, that's all they want is to be loved, right?

SPEAKER_02 37:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:10

And that wraps up episode four. If today's conversation resonated with you, please leave us a review and share the podcast. It not only helps others find the show, but also brings more awareness for the dogs of New York Bully Crew. If there is a topic you want us to discuss, email us at infobullycrubd.com. Thank you to our sponsors, Cassone Trailer and Container Company, a family owned, woman owned business proudly serving Long Island and the Tri State area for generations, and Bully Crew CBD, where every purchase helps support rescue dogs in need while helping dogs live calmer, healthier, and longer lives. Give your pups an extra hug tonight, and we'll see you next episode.