first date at 24 years old, making bad decisions, and my crush for EIGHT years

This episode is a little different ya'll...talking about my "love" life for the first time on a podcast lol. I dive into my very first date (and first kiss) with a guy, yearning for a crush (with a girlfriend) and a litttleee about school updates! Listen for some fun :)

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of Soft Chaos with Noah. I am trying to speak quietly because my neighbor's downstairs. Um, but when I move to my new apartment everything's gonna be fine. Um, actually, you know, I don't really care if I speak along. Whatever. Um, because it's like talking to a friend, and you guys are my friends, even though there's a small group of you guys, but we love y'all. We love y'all. I have been trying for the past maybe 10 minutes to get GarageBand working and like connected with my microphone. Um, yeah, it hasn't been working. I don't know why I updated it. I think my computer needs updating for sure, but I've always recorded on GarageBand except one episode, and Garage Band is like my podcast like recording um software that I use or like app that I use, but now I'm using voice memos for now. Um, but yeah, it's only been like I think maybe a week since I posted my last episode. Um, yeah, I posted it last Saturday, and yeah, so now we got a lot of updates. This week has been quite crazy, I have to say, just a lot of like stress, um, especially around my apartment stuff, but also like work. If you guys didn't know, I live an hour and a half from work, and I am just tired of the drive, I'm tired of all the tolls that I have to pay, um, and also just like finances-wise, I am just really stressed. Yeah, your girl is broke, your girl has been in the negatives quite many times, and that's just the truth. I am really real with you guys here. Of course, I don't share personal information like names or where I work and things like that, or like the company I work for, um, or like the school I go to, you know, just little things like that. Um, but yeah, I love being real on here. This is one of my favorite things about podcasts, like you can just literally talk about anything, and I'm very passionate, I just about talking about really anything that I like to talk about. Um, but also give you guys like hopefully some advice and also talk about relatable stuff. So if you're broke out there, if you're if you have been in the negatives like me, and if you are just overall stressed, every human is stressed, um, then you're not alone. I know that's cheesy to say, but you really aren't. A lot of us are on the same boat, and it's really a struggle out here, you know, things are getting expensive when I pass like the highway. Um, when I'm on the highway and I pass like a couple gas stations, like rest stops, it could be like four dollars per gallon, and that is just that's just insane to me. Um, I don't know if it's been like that in the area that I pass by for like a while, but I don't know. I've just never heard of four dollars a gallon, so it's crazy. Um, and then like a bunch of other stuff are so expensive now. Um, even like milk. You know, my grandparents they talk about oh my gosh, milk is so expensive now. Back in the day, it was like 90 cents. And yeah, and I thought Hawaii milk was expensive, but now it's just expensive here where I live. So um today's episode, I wanted to talk about quite a few things. Um, I had like a lot of deas of ideas. Usually when I come up with podcast episode ideas or like what I want to talk about, um, it's really just what comes to mind first, and like I don't know, I feel like it'd be fun to talk about. Um, so if you guys didn't know, I applied to grad schools. I don't know like if I should talk like like this is like a first episode that people are hearing. Um, I feel like I should just kind of roll with it and like you know, just talk as if you guys know or like new listeners know already. Maybe I just like introduce, you know, here and there some little details, but overall, if you guys didn't know, um if you're new here, I have applied to four grad schools for nurse practitioner, specifically in the psychiatric mental health specialty, and I was denied from my top choice. But thinking about it, there is another top choice that I may may be considering as like my number one, since I didn't get into the number one. So the number one spot has now like this school has now moved into the number one spot. The one that I didn't not get into, you know, just disregard it. Like I don't care anymore about that school, even though it would be really nice to get into it. I just, you know, it is what it is. Um, but yeah, I was accepted into two schools already, two out of four. Just waiting on this last school. It is taking forever, like, bro. Um, I applied in March, and I know it's only been like a little over a month, but I don't know, I feel like they should just have a decision right now. Um, because I really want to know. And it's rolling admissions, so they didn't really tell me a specific deadline or timeline of when I should hear back. Um sometimes I do grill the admissions office. Like some people, of course, I go on Reddit, and I just like am obsessively looking at other people's posts and like when they get accepted or not in this program. Um, and some people have already gotten acceptances, so yeah. But they apply like I think early action. So I don't know, we'll see, we'll see. Um, but this program starts in the fall of this year, and there's not, if I'm being honest, there's not too too much information like on the timeline, I want to say, of how long the program is, but I just know it's a really great program, and that's why it kind of moved to the number one spot for me because I don't know, just a really good school, great reputation. Excuse me. Um I do, if you're new here, I do burp a lot and I do cough sometimes here and there. I do take some deep breaths because I'm hunched over and my talking is just like overall, my lungs just they gotta I gotta work on it. Um I gotta work on them. So yeah. Um, but this school is really, really great. I really want to get into it, even though the schools that I've got it accepted into, one of the schools I um did not want to accept that decision, so that school is out. So basically I have one school backup, and the thing is, I am very impulsive um when it comes to like making decisions and stuff like that, like especially huge decisions or just little decisions, like even when I go to Barnes and Noble, I was literally thinking about going to Barnes and Noble today after work, like going straight from my hour 30 drive to Barnes and Noble because I wanted to get Mexican food for lunch, and I was like, you know, I am really short on money right now, and basically 95% of my paycheck from oh my god, it was yesterday from yesterday all went to this expensive apartment that I am living in now for another month actually. Today's the 25th of April, and I am planning to grab the keys on the 25th. I think that's when my yeah, that's when my lease starts May 25th. So I get the keys on the 25th, and yeah. Um, and we'll start moving. I have started packing already, it's just like little things here and there. I have so many like little things. Like I still have this is crazy, but I do love happy meals at McDonald's, and I love the little toys that it comes with, and I have a lot of them. So those are little things or like the just like stationary too. Like, I don't know how to pack this stuff. Um, because I'm not using boxes too much. I love the bags. I never knew that moving bags kind of existed. I knew they were like nice IKEA big bags and stuff for moving stuff, but I didn't know they like actually had bags for moving. So, anyways, back to the school stuff. Um, yeah, just waiting on again another school. It's been a long journey waiting for the other schools for a decision, but at least I have a backup. So, also I was talking about me being impulsive. I did pay. This is gonna sound crazy, guys. I did pay the $500 deposit for enrollment to cop my seat um for this school. Was that impulsive? A little bit because I didn't consider the other school that's gonna be well, that is my number one currently. Like, I didn't consider it too too much, and also like I feel like I won't get in after the other school that was my top one. Um, I don't know. I just my confidence is low right now with the other school that I'm waiting for. But we'll see, guys. We shall see. I hope my acceptance comes in soon. The school that I paid $500, that sounds like oh god, bro, that sounds like a lot. $500. Well, it is a lot, but like that's half a thousand dollars. Um, and at the same time, I didn't technically waste money on it, like I didn't spend it for nothing because just in case I don't get into the top school, you know, this is like my backup, and I'm okay with this school too. So, you know, we shall see. Um, will I be like, will I be disappointed if I don't get into the top school? Quite possibly, yeah, because it's a great school. I wanna say it does rank higher than the $500 school. I'm just gonna say the $500 school, um, even though it's like crazy expensive. But yeah, if I don't get into that top school, I'm gonna be a little upset, not gonna lie, but that feeling will pass. So, yeah, but I'm waiting for another school, guys, and this is the last school I'm waiting for that I applied to. I will definitely keep you guys updated. Um, who knows? I might even film like a live reaction if I do or if I do get a decision. Um, because the SATAS portal has been like application received for so long. Um, I don't know what they're doing, y'all. I don't know because other people are getting their acceptances, probably because they applied way earlier than me. I just applied last month and like worked on my application like that. Um so yeah, we shall see guys. We shall see. Um, I did want to talk about another topic that I kind of want to bring into this podcast, and it's about um just like my romantic life, I guess, um, or my love life, whatever you want to call it. And um, I don't know. I've never really even in my old podcasts, I've never really talked about it, but I feel comfortable now talking about it because I just want to be real with you guys. So moving directions, switching topics. Um, I this gas bruh, this is gonna sound so crazy. So I'm 25 years old. I will turn 26 next month, actually. And am I excited for that? Yeah, honestly, yeah, but also there's just more stress, like I have to find my own health insurance, I'm moving. Um, and yeah, I'm just you know, there's a lot of changes happening, and change is good. Change can honestly not be that bad. So, anyways, talking about boys, I do like boys, I identify as a straight female, and I have had a crush on this boy since honestly, it grew during the pandemic in 2020, but it secretly started in high school, like sophomore year, and we had like mutual friends. He actually went to my middle school, and then we went to high school together. Um, he was in my history class, which was oh my gosh, so embarrassing. Like, I I do not do well in history. I was in world history honors my freshman year, and gosh, that was just the most stressful time in my life. Um, because other people were like smart, and I'm like, this is honors. Honestly, I should have dropped down to A, which is like the middle level, and then there's also CP level, um, which is like the low of the low, like a little bit easier, but still learning about like fun stuff, even though history for me is not fun. It's just like it's just complicated and boring to me. Um, I used to do so well in middle school or yeah, well in middle school, middle school. I used to do so well in history in middle school because I was like actually reading the textbooks and improving my reading comprehension. So very proud of that moment. But as we got into high school, history was just a very difficult subject for me. Um and yeah, even current moral social what is it in college? I took current moral and current moral and ethical issues, was that what it was called? I don't know, but it was also like history similar and I did not do well. Um going back to my crush. So yeah, since the pandemic it has quite grown large. Um and and now we're in 2026, six years, guys. Six years. Um my crush, my liking for this man has been quite a while. But I do want to kind of generalize that it has been eight years. Um so if you count like starting from sophomore year of high school, so that was in like for me, that was like 26. Was that 2016? Yeah, 2016. 20 I no no no no no. Pause, guys. Re-won, scratch that. Um, I think, yeah, my senior year of high school, which is in 2018, plus eight, now we're in 2026, so it's been yeah, it's been an eight-year crush. Six year, I don't know why in my head I consider this a situationship. It's really not, but I'm very I can be very delusional sometimes in like Dululu. Um, I don't know, it's just like I don't know, man. You can probably hear the smile around my audio, around my voice. Um, because I don't know. I'm just I don't want to say I'm in love with this man, but it kind of feels like it. So we like we never hung out. That is the that's the thing. We've never hung out, but we have called many times and we have texted many times. It's not like a text back and forth, like having a conversation over the phone texting. Um, we do have like long conversations when we talk over the phone, but like texting-wise, we never go back and forth because he's also a slow texter, and I kind of want to say a bad texter too. Um, it takes like weeks for him to reply, or sometimes like it can really vary. He can text me like two days after I text him, or like even the same day, but it's just like it's not I don't know, it's like surface level, you know. Um, but then we definitely get like when we're on the phone talking with our voices, we we can dive into some deep stuff like mental health or just like family stuff or school stuff. We do talk a lot about school stuff because we're both um like still in the school academia realm, um, because he's going to grad school and I'm going to yeah, I'm going to grad school too. Um, but he has told me that he already has his master's. I'm like, what are you really what are you going to school for? Like, are you going to your doctorate? But then he also told me that his master's degree didn't like finish. So I don't know. That is why I just keep the momentum going. I do want to admit, yes, I am definitely keeping I'm like the one putting in the most I'm I'm the one solid putting in the effort. Um the thing about this, like, guys, when you have an attraction to someone or like a crush on someone, obviously you're gonna do anything you can to make him or her like you back. Um I you know, probably for some of you, if this is relatable or not. But I have a problem with like letting go almost and just like yearning and I don't know, just like not like not moving on, I guess. Um so I do like I guess want to talk about like my overall love life. I don't even want to say love life, like relationship, um, non-platonic life or like department. And I think it was two years ago I went on this date, I matched with someone on Bumble, which I don't like Bumble anymore. I download Hinge from time to time and then I delete it and then download it again. Um, but I don't find any luck on Hinge if I'm being honest. Um Bumble, so I matched with this guy in Bumble, same age as me, and he was still in school and still lived with his mom and sister, which I really don't mind at all. Like, you know, do what you do, people have different situations and circumstances. Um, so that didn't matter to me. Um, but guys, this was probably is my neighbor singing right now. I think my neighbor's he always says that. Um, yeah, but this is like the first real date that I've been on. We went to Cheesecake Factory, and then we went to where did where else did we go? Oh, I had to pee. I didn't like okay, let me backtrack. Sorry, this is getting really complicated because I'm talking about my crush, eight-year crush, and then I'm talking about like another guy, but yeah, this is my first, this was my first real real date. Um, and I've never used dating apps in the past. You know, I've heard of Tinder and stuff, and like Bumble Hinge, so I decided to try it. Um I tried Bumble, which again I matched with this guy, same age as me, and we went to the cheesecake factory. Um guys, I picked him up. I traveled so far, I think it was like maybe almost an hour that I traveled to this man's house, and I was the one who picked him up. Like, that should have been my first sign not to go on a date with this man, or like not even to pursue this potential relationship. I don't know. I sacrifice myself a lot when it comes to I think you know, just like overall, I'm a very big people pleaser, and I just want other people to be happy and like not be mad at me, which is something I'm working on for sure. Like I want to be someone who is unbothered by people's reactions and things like that. Obviously, with like family and like really close friends, I you know, I guess I do want to be bothered, like I do care about their reactions and stuff like that, but not like you know, like obsessive. Caring about their reactions, you know, because you can't really change people, but um, yeah, I'm a huge people pleaser, and so with this guy, you know, I just wanted to kind of be my best and like put in effort and just like make him happy, which was like so stupid of me, but that's that was the old me, and now I've changed for sure. It was a learning experience, um, especially it being my first date, and like you know, being alone with a guy, and like being in public with a guy. Um, so yeah, I picked him up. That that is the first thing I should have thought about, you know, deeply, and like be like, I should not be picking this man up. Like, I know, you know, like things have kind of changed in terms of like guy girl dates or like girl girl dates where actually like specifically guy girl dates where the guy is the one that he has to pick up the girl, and I kind of still believe that like it's you know just chivalry and like um just like respectful in a way, but you know, guys deserve respect too, so um that was nice of me picking him up, but like at the same time being my first date and all, it's really like cute when the guy picks you up. Um, and I traveled far for this man, like, bruh. Um, so yeah, and I paid tolls. Oh, how stupid of me, anyways, but it was a learning experience. So we ate at the Cheesecake Factory, right? Um, face to face. I used to be anxious eating in front of people, like socially anxious. I still kind of have social anxiety, but it's mainly just general anxiety at this point, and I was just like afraid of eating in front of him. Like, what if I like dropped something on my shirt or I don't know, like choked or something like that. Um, I ordered pasta and it was really yummy, so I was focusing on that, but like also trying to get to know this man, and I don't know what he ordered, I totally forgot. Um, but yeah, it was just like I don't know. We were near the bathroom though, thank god. Like I spent a little bit of time in the bathroom just like cleaning myself up and like fixing my hair, things like that, making sure nothing's in my teeth, and also using the bathroom. Um, so the whole like cheesecake factory date was just like it was alright. Um, he was a Leo. Um, yes, I think yeah, on Bumble you can put your zodiac sign. I was like, huh, Leo's, yeah, never have dated a Leo man. And the thing is, guys, my crush, the current crush that I have is a Leo as well. But he's like, honestly, he's like a different Leo, but we never hung out in person, so I'm like, I don't know how this would work if like I don't know, guys, but anyways, back to the date. The Cheesecake Factory. Um, yeah, that was an experience, and I packed leftovers and things like that, brought it with me, and then we get out of Cheesecake Factory, right? We start walking in my car, and he's like, Can you do or what did he say? He was like, Can I hold your hand? Guys, guys. I I mean looking back at it now, I like am not attractive to him, but like I just thought he was like cool or like really cute when I matched with him and or like swiped right, and I don't know, like it was just it just wasn't he wasn't attractive to me then, you know, seeing him in person, so my gosh, so but looking back at it, uh it was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life, just like I mean like he's nice and all, you know, but just not my type, not for me, and we um this is embarrassing, but yeah, so he asked to hold my hand and we did walk into the car. Um guys, I can't stop laughing because it's just so embarrassing, but it's like funny to laugh at. Um it's just it was just a moment in my life that I will I won't forget because I did develop honestly some trauma from it just because it was my first date, and like things just happened, you know, in the heat of a moment and stuff like that. I won't go into details obviously, but um, we were in the car, he drove my car, and I was like, okay, fine. And I'm sitting in the passenger seat and and we're like talking just a little bit, and like he's like, Where do you want to go? Like, do you want to stop by the grocery store or something like that? I I don't know, guys, I don't know. Um, because I was I mean I was nervous, but like it was just like a little anxiety-provoking because I was like alone with a guy for the first time, and it's not like a friend, so and it's just like some stranger I met on a dating app, so it's like weird. Um, and it was just like scary in a way. I'm really close with my family and like friends. Like, I don't mind obviously hanging out with friends alone, but like with a guy it's just like scary, um, especially being this being my like first date. And um, so we're like talking whatever, and he kisses me on the cheek. And I say out loud, Oh, I'm having like I just have butterflies, I just got butterflies in my stomach. Um, because it was like the first time that I don't know, like a guy sh like did something physical to me. That sounds weird, but like a guy like kissed me. Um yeah. So then we drive to a convenience store because I really had to pee, and I was like, I don't want to walk back in Cheesecake Factory and go to the bathroom, which is like in the middle of everyone eating at the tables, and I was like, you know, I was just there, so might as well have used the bathroom a little bit longer, or like waited a little bit longer and then pee. But we went to this convenience store and I was like, yeah, really gotta pee. There was no Wawa around us, which is like like I know Wawas are like really popular around the nation, and I was looking for a Wawa. There was no Wawa, um, or like really any convenience store, like a 7-Eleven, like a Dutch Bros. Um, what other convenience stores are there? But yeah, there wasn't even a Dutch Bros. Is that what it's called? I forgot, but I know we have Dutch Bros in our state. Um, so yeah, couldn't find anything. And uh we went to this random convenience store, and the this parking lot was a little bit empty. Yes, only a few cars there, and I used the bathroom, and then I came back, and then he was like, I really want to kiss you right now, guys, guys. I gosh, I can't. Um, mind you, this was date one out of three or four. Um, I don't know why I continue to go on a date with this man because I was like the first date was just like really too much, I'ma be honest. Um, I have done like I was kind of like not feeling it, so we kissed a lot, we like made out a lot, and I was like, oh my gosh, like I can't believe I'm doing this right now. Because guys, that was also my first kiss. Yes. Um, I don't care if I'm 26 and just had my first kiss, like you can have your first kiss whenever you want, whenever, wherever you want. Um, so yeah, that was my first kiss, and I told him that. I was like, um, this is gonna be my first kiss. I don't know how to kiss. Um, funny thing, I'm just like kind of going into it a little bit, um, because I don't want to keep talking about this because it just brings back these feelings and like memories and like a little bit of trauma, but I also matched with this other guy, I think it was on Bumble or Hinge, one of the dating apps, but I matched with this guy, um, exchanged phone numbers, which is like the number one thing I've learned not to do anymore when it comes to dating apps. Um, yeah, never doing that again. But I matched with this guy, and we had our phone numbers, and then we before this, we planned a phone call. I don't know, guys. We planned a which is just like stupid stuff, but like we planned a phone call that night, and I totally forgot about it, and that so the guy like okay, this is gonna sound really bad, but like I had this guy that I matched with that we exchanged numbers. I already had a picture, contact picture, um, for his phone number, and like his name, obviously, and then I had a heart next to his name. Um, the current crush that I have, yes, I do have a heart next to his name as well. Because, like, I don't know, it's just like special to me, but like this guy that I exchanged phone numbers with probably shouldn't have had a heart. I don't know why. Um, so we're making out, right? And this guy that I had the phone number with, um, that I have a scheduled phone call that night calls me, and um he's the guy that I'm on the date with, he's like, who is calling you right now? Like your phone's buzzing like twice now. And excuse me. And I think this was also like a scary moment for me because I've had like kind of like daddy issues, I'm gonna like not gonna lie, but um just like if a man is like or really anybody who's upset with me, I've had a lot of like trauma growing up, like emotional trauma growing up, like my family getting mad at me, or like family members getting mad at me, and or like giving me the silent rub in. I know, pretty deep stuff, but um I don't know. I just like um the guy that I had the phone number with or that I had the scheduled call with, he started calling me like a little bit too much because I wasn't answering, and we had that scheduled call, and then so we're making out, right? Um, and he's like, Who is calling you? So I open my phone, uh like I look at my phone and he looks at my phone, he sees the contact picture, and he also sees the heart next to the name. And then he gets like, guys, he gets like so upset. Um, which I understand, like, yeah, you're on a date with me and you're like talking to another guy. Okay, fine. But he got like so upset, like he like how do I say it? Like, oh gosh, I also I I'm moving too fast, but like, I'm just so bad. I should not be on this crush stuff or like this date boy stuff for so long because I wanted to talk about other stuff today, but um, I'm just gonna like kind of wrap it up because it's taking too long. But yeah, he saw the picture, he saw the phone, he saw my phone, and he just like stopped kissing me, obviously, and then he kind of like puts his hand like fr he looked like very frustrated, and he was like, Who is that? and I was like, Oh, it's let's just use a different name, like, oh that's Bobby, and um he was like, Oh, you're talking to another guy, and I I was so stupid back then, like dumb. Um, I tell him, No, I wanna be with you, like I am not talking to him anymore. Like, I will literally answer the phone right now and talk to him and tell him I don't wanna be, like, I don't wanna like pursue whatever we will do, like, you know, anymore. Um, so I answer the phone and I'm like trying to prove to the guy that I'm on a date with that I will not be talking to this other guy anymore. So I put him on speakerphone and um I think the guy I totally forgot because it's like I'm trying to like get rid of this memory, but I mean it's just gonna come back stronger anyway. So I put him on speakerphone and I'm like, hey Bobby, um, sorry, I'm on a date right now, and um, I just kind of don't wanna like talk to you anymore. Guys, I know that sounds so mean. Um, probably should have pursued Bobby because the guy that I'm on a current date with it's just he sucks. Um, I guess like yes, kind and all, but I don't know, him getting frustrated so quickly, like, was pretty scary. Um, not gonna lie. Like, yeah, whatever. Um, and then and then we just make out again, and I'm like, this does this can't like this won't stop. Um yeah, I have a trou I have trouble, what is my neighbor doing? He's like working out or something, a lot of jumping. Um but yeah, we just it's like make out non-stop. Non-stop guys. I didn't know how to control myself in that moment. It wasn't even like I was having fun kissing this guy, even though it was my first kiss, but like that was just too much for the first date. Um, I know people like you know, and do what you want, but I know people like have one night stands and like hook up. Oh, okay, I swear my neighbor's like working out. Um, or like probably unclogging the the shower because I clogged the shower and the pipes are connected. So, um, but yeah, I this was this date was too much for the first date. So yeah. So I know now what not to do is set my boundaries and just like don't go all in for it. Like, don't just like if you're if you don't want to kiss, stop kissing. So yeah, um, but overall, I did not like this man. I I kind of cut it off basically because he kept texting me, I think it was like two weeks after we like stopped going on dates because he asked me to go to the beach, and I was like, no, thank you. Um yeah, he asked me to go to the beach like the next day, and I'm like, dude, no, I'm not driving all the way there with you, and like going all in, and like, yes, that's a cute date, I guess, but that's like I don't know, it's too personal for me. Like, I don't know, it's like something you would like the beach is like where you go with friends or like family, or like, yeah, boyfriend, but like I don't know, I just don't see it as a date. Um, but yeah, so he asked me, like, do you want to go to the beach the next day? And I was like, I'll see if I'm free. Um, Girly Pop was free, but I just didn't tell him that. And I was not interested anymore. Yes, we did go on more dates, like two more, three more dates, and I don't know. I just I guess the in the moment it was like nice having like a guy to talk to, and like him giving me attention and him possibly liking me, um, or like starting a relationship, and I was just like very excited in that moment, like the first kind of the first few times you spend with someone, like in the relationship, like the early stages, you just get really excited and stuff like that. Um, so yeah, I was like excited and stuff, so I was like, Oh, go on more dates. Um, but yeah, I cut it off, and then he texted me like two weeks after. Um, I miss you. Yeah, that's what he said, guys. He said, I miss you. And um, I was like, yeah, this isn't gonna work for me. Um, I think it's best if we like don't talk anymore. And yeah, I mean that was my decision for sure, and like um, I'm glad I you know dodged a bullet the first like early on. Um, because I just he was not I don't know, I just didn't have I mean did I have fun on the first date? Eh not really, like it wasn't vibing well, and like the makeout session, guys, that was too much for me. Um, so yeah, but back to my current crush. Yes, I have had a crush on him for eight years, and we've gotten closer six years, and yeah, we just talk a lot. Um, but plot twist, plot twist, he has a girlfriend. You guys probably knew that was coming, yeah. Boy has a girlfriend, boy has a girlfriend, um, for quite a few years now, and they live in the same state. Who knows? They probably have an apartment together. I haven't asked. I don't ask too much on the phone because I just like don't want to bring that up. Um, I just kinda wanna lay low and be like friends because I feel like if I tell him that I like him, you know, I just it's gonna ruin stuff, and it's like there goes the friendship. So it's like your classic story of like, you know, a guy or a girl hiding the likeness or like the crush of someone else, yet they're in a relationship, and yet they don't know at all that they have a crush on the other person, so yeah, it's your classic, classic story, but um, I don't know where it'll go, guys. I don't know where it'll go because he's moving to another state for school, and I'm like, what is gonna happen with this girl who lives in the same state with him currently? Like, or is she gonna move with him? Girl, I hope not, but like at the same time, I don't want to be a homewrecker, and like I just I guys, I I don't know. Do I want them to break up? Um, for me, yeah, but I don't want to be a rebound, I don't want to be a homewrecker. If he's happy, I'm happy, and there you go, folks. That that is all I'm doing right now because I'm focused on school, I'm focused on getting rest, being more confident, being more healthy and eating healthier, working out. Um, so yeah, but I don't know, guys. I don't know. I do have to tell him about school updates and things like that. I just want like another call with him. These calls though, like they're very, I don't know. He called me like three weeks ago, just like because he um oh, you know what? Now I'm noticing this is so Dululu. I texted him, hey, I got into the school, and then a week later he calls me. I'm like, oh, he should, you know, he you know, he could have texted me back and be like, oh congrats, and then leave it at that. But no, guys, he called me. And did I have work that day? Yes, I did, and I had to travel far, but I didn't care because I will do anything for this man. Just kidding, just kidding. I'm trying to work on that mindset. It's just it's just uh guys, I don't know. Um, yeah, so I'm like, hmm, okay, we're getting there, we're getting there. Like, he is not afraid to call me. This is so Dululu. This is so Delulu. Comment down below if you have this mindset too. Like, uh, you will do anything to make someone like you. But the thing is, you can't do that. You can't do that, and I'm not understanding that, so I have to like really lock in and just like focus on myself, let the boy, whoever in my life, come to me, or like, you know, if it's meant for me, it's meant for me, and just like let him pop into my life at the right time. Whenever. I don't even know if there's gonna be a right time. But just like, you know, let life linger and everything happens for a reason kind of vibe. So yeah, but I still do have a crush on this man. And yes, I'm putting in a lot of effort, but at the same time, I'm just laying low, kind of not being obsessive over him. But I do think about him every day. I don't know what that means. Um, I have shared with my friends that I'm in love. Guys, I gotta get out of that. Like, I gotta get out of that love, like the Lulu thought. It's just no, it's not love. Um, but yeah, he has a girlfriend. I don't know what to do. I mean, overall, I should just move on. I just I don't know. There's something about him. Um, because we have mutual friends, and I'm also like, you know, he like I'm comfortable talking to him and he like asks me questions like that I've never really thought about before and just like kind of sparks me and like um I don't know guys, I don't know because I've never also hung out with him in person, so it's like oh he might be different in person than over the phone or through over text or like social media, so very conflicting. I think I really need to hang out with him in person, obviously, and just kind of hopefully it'll help me understand more if I really do like him. Um, but if it's been this long, that says something. I don't know what it says, but it says something. If I'm like really holding on to this crush, so I'm gonna end with this because I have ha I I have way too many topics that I want to talk about, but this is a really long episode already. I like to try to keep it 45 minutes or less, and we're going on 46 right now, so I apologize. Actually, no, I'm not gonna apologize. Um, because this is my podcast, yo. So, anyways, let me know. I know guys, I know I have to move on, but not right now, okay? I'm really distracted with work and like the moving and apartment stuff and like finances and school, just a lot of stuff. So that's keeping me distracted, but I know I will have to face my fears and not really tell them that I like them yet. Let's wait for the girlfriend and see where that goes. So yeah, but I know overall I have to move on. I have to move on, guys. This is not healthy, but anyways, I'm gonna end with this. Um, this was a really fun episode to record just because I don't know. I it's all no, I'm really tired. I haven't slept since yesterday. Oh no, I did sleep a little bit, like I closed my eyes just a little bit at work when it was downtime. Um, so I did sleep a little bit, but guys, it's already 112 p.m. I have not eaten lunch, and like I said, I wanted to get Mexican food, but your girl is broke, so I might just cook mac and cheese. And I don't know if I should nap anymore. Probably like two hours, because I don't have work till next Wednesday, and yeah, I don't know what we're gonna do about that, but I have a lot of stuff to do, and I have to shower, so that is a process. So yeah, thank you guys if you if you have listened or made it this far, appreciate you, and yeah, I will talk to you guys in my next episode, and hopefully it's a lot less crushed stuff and more a little bit of just light fun stuff because I wanted to talk about my favorites, like shows, music artists, and just like simple things in life, and then also a little bit of like my confidence and like body image and presentation wise, and just like taking care of myself more. But yeah, we're gonna end it on this, and thank you guys so much for listening. I will talk to you guys in my next episode. Bye bye.