being delulu, ignoring red flags, a borderline's "favorite person"

Hi guys! This one is quite the episode. I talk about my recent boy crush who I've mentioned in a few past episodes and how it's going so far. Boy honestly has a few red flags and I'm being delusional about it. I also open up about having borderline personality disorder and how it affects me with crushes. Enjoy!  

Transcript

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Hello, hello everybody. Welcome back to another episode of Soft Chaos with Noah. I'm your host Noah and today is a lovely Saturday outside. It's like 80 degrees, and I'm really excited about that because I'm probably going to walk outside later for like a little sunset walk for 30 minutes or less. I have not been on my weight loss journey game lately. I have a goal to lose weight, especially before my vacation outside of the country. I'm going away for two weeks. I won't say where, but I'm going out of the country for a couple weeks next month. And I'm super excited about that. Although I do want to feel confident in my body. Because I do want to start out with boy troubles and just like my crush and everything. I said that I was gonna start with that or end with that in my last episode, but I didn't have time because I didn't want it to be too too long. Um I love episodes that are like 45 minutes to an hour, and you know what? I used to if when I was traveling to work for like an hour and a half from my old apartment, I listen to a podcast like every ride going forward and then coming backwards. Um, but now that my drive is shorter, all I do is listen to music. Like I don't really want to dive into a podcast episode because my drive is so short, I just want to listen to music. So long rides for sure. I love listening to podcasts. And also at home, um, sometimes like I don't know, just washing dishes or cleaning up my area. I just feel like that is the way to go. But um, yeah, so I was actually before I begin further, um, I thought I had my USB converter for my microphone because my microphone is a USB, like a traditional USB, but I didn't know that it could also connect to a USB-C. And I was like, wow, this USB-C thing is really like changing the game for all electronics. Like, um, I still have the old iPhone with a lightning cable, and that one is still great. Like, I love the lightning cable, it charges super fast for me for my phone, but a lot of these days we had the USB-C, so it was perfect. Like, I was looking crazy for my USB to USB con B yeah, USB C soft C S Panoa, USB-C converter through my electronics moving bat, which I have not unpacked yet, because I don't know. I'm just like kind of lazy. I'm like, you know, it's there in the middle of my room. I have a lot of electronics. I have to sit on the floor and go through all that and like put it in my drawers and organize everything, and yeah, that's like it's a lot for me. It's a task on its own, but I will definitely get to that later. Promises not gonna be made, but we will try because that's been a while, and I don't want more things to pile up in my room. Like my last apartment. Um, I moved like a couple uh yeah, I moved last month, and my dad was like super mad at me, or like had an attitude because I had so much stuff to move over. Literally, it was only my dad, my grandpa, and my grandma and my mom and me moving stuff. My mom can't really move like the heavy stuff because of her back issues. Um, and then of course my grandma's like super old, has arthritis, and then my grandpa, I mean, he does his thing, but like he's also he's also old, so I don't want to put too much stress on his body, and then my dad has heart issues, so I'm like, you know what? He's probably having a like he's probably feeling tired, obviously. And I was like, Dad, let me hire some movers, at least just like someone on Task Rabbit, like one person. And I called him the day before, and he got like super bad at me. Yes, I do have daddy issues, not gonna lie. Um, probably that's why I have like anxious attachment issues, but um, which I will actually dive into the boy troubles because that is related to each other, so um, but yeah, I just have a lot of stuff piling up in my room. Um, in my last apartment, it was like a jungle in there, like everything exploded. It was like a tornado, just went through all my stuff and spread it out in every corner, every wall. Um, and I had two closets, one for my clothes, which couldn't even fit like everything. Um, I have a bigger closet now in my new apartment, and I don't have enough hangers, but we got some stuff organized, which I'm proud of. I just need more hangers for like the nice clothes and like the nice tops and then my uniforms. So we're gonna work on that. I'm probably gonna order hangers tonight. I was gonna order the USB to USB-C converter. I feel like I should get that for my trip. Um, but then I also saw a universal charger, and I was like, maybe I should just get that because I feel like the country that I'm going to doesn't have like the traditional plugs or the outlets that we have in America. So I don't know. We'll see. I'll probably buy that. I was looking at neck pillows as well, and then I definitely need a new suitcase that I don't know what size to get, so I have to go probably like TJ Maxx or Marshall's sometime in the upcoming week and like see what size that I truly need to get because I was looking on Amazon and I was like, should I get the medium or the large? The medium is like 27, 28 inch, and then the large look like too too large, but I'm not sure. My mom has already started packing. My mom, sister, and I are going on this trip, and it'll be super fun. And yeah, it's a little girl's trip. Although I do want to say I'm getting really personal here by the way. I do get personal, like I feel like that's just kind of more um like vulnerable and like not relatable, but you know, I hope some of you guys or most of you guys don't go through what I went through, but it could be relatable to some of you guys, and it's definitely like something that I do want to share because I have grown from it, and you know, I do struggle with quite a few things, so being really real on this podcast just means a lot to me because maybe I could be helping one of you guys out there, or like you know, you could relate to my issues or like stories or you know, the way that I grew up and the way I've coped with things, but anyways, my mom and I we don't really have the best relationship and it's kind of rocky here and there. Um, growing up, she invalidated me a lot, which is why I feel like I just like have these extreme mood swings and don't know how to control my emotions sometimes, but you know, we're doing better. We have our meds and we have our therapy. Um therapy's starting soon because I need to find one. Um also I just lost my health insurance. Um, yeah, got kicked off because I turned 26. And yeah, we're gonna have to figure something out. Um, and it's a lot, like this is like adulting adulting now. Like I have to find my own health insurance. Girl. Okay, so um again, what I was saying on this little vacation, usually when it's my sister, mom, and I, I don't know, we just don't have the best time between my mom and I. My sister and I, yeah, we have our fun on the trip and you know, we laugh and we just kind of vibe. My sister and I are pretty close, but my mom and I, like, I'm always getting pissed off whenever she takes a bunch of photos, which I get it, you know, make memories, save it, something to look back on, but it gets to a point where too much is too much, you know. Like, I'm not taking selfies and I'm not taking a million photos each step I take, you know, each wall I bump into, each like artifact that I see in a museum, you know. I'm not like taking excessive photos, but that's just the way she is, and I'm still trying to like understand that and well I do understand it, but also accept it. Um, so I just I kind of know this trip coming up will be another like photo shoot, if you want to call that, but also just you know, being connected with my cousins, seeing them again, and then um just kind of chilling, taking a break from work, taking a break from America. So, um, but yeah, also go next, by the way. What a fantastic like run. Um, I've kind of always been a basketball fan. By the way, if this is the first time you're listening to my podcast, I do go all over the place. Um, yeah, that's just how my mind works. So um if you can't handle all these different topics like within two minutes, I apologize, but also I don't because that's just how my brain works, and this is what makes me me. So um I just go on like different topics and tangents. Um, anyways, so I hope I have fun on that trip. And then again with my dad's stuff, like he did get, you know, a little bit like pissed off and like had an attitude because I had so much stuff to move in or move out and then move into my new apartment. So we were doing a lot of back and forth. I was like, I should have gotten moved, like, I literally should have stuck with the task rabbit mover and booked it already. But as soon as I told him, he was like freaking out because he he thought I got like an actual moving company to do stuff, and those are expensive, not gonna lie. I have you know put in my stuff and like gotten a quote for it, and they're super expensive, like you know, I just I did not get that, father. Um, but he got mad at me, and that's his usual temper, so yeah, I apologize, or not apologize, oh my gosh, I gotta stop saying sorry for things that I don't need to say sorry for, but um yeah, if you guys are going through like daddy issues or mommy issues, like it's you know, I'm in the same boat, and we just we kind of pushed through and it takes a lot of like understanding, accepting, and communication here and there. Um I'm trying to get better at communication and like being honest. My manager at my work is really like an inspiration to me, and like on a certain like level, I know it's not like a super big deal, but like to me, I just feel like her communication style and her like always being honest just makes me like want to be honest and want to communicate too, and it's just like she's like amazing. So, um, but anyways, getting back to what I really wanted to talk about on this podcast today is my boy troubles, guys. Um, before I begin, I am Delulu. I am someone who ignores red flags. Um, I've never been in a relationship. I'm just gonna put that out there. I have had my first kiss, I have had gone on like a few dates, and it was a guy from Bumble, worst experience ever by the way. Um, and I have like I have guy friends, but they're platonic. Um yeah. Um, but I do want to get back to this guy that I've liked for so many years, but he has a girlfriend, and he's moving like in a few months for grad school or like doctoral school or whatever. And we've been keeping in touch for like the past few years, but we've known each other since middle school. We literally have a graduation picture like from middle school, and I know that doesn't mean much, but that's just something like cute to look back on. But anyways, I don't know if I talked about this in my previous episode, but basically, and I'm gonna sound a little bit like crazy here. I do want to mention the movie Obsession, but it's not like I it's not like me, you know, being if you haven't watched it, I would skip a little bit more, but um, because there are spoilers that I'm gonna talk about, but I am not like the character pair. Like I will never ever wish for someone to like love me or like to like me, um, because you can't control other people. So, um, and I'm definitely not I guess in some ways I am like Nikki, just kind of like being not obsessed, but in a way, yes, I'm obsessed. Not with like and this is the thing, this is the like difference for me. I'm not obsessed with the idea of this guy. I am obsessed or I'm not real obsessed, but like when you think of obsessed with a person, you some people like tell you the truth and say, Oh, you're obsessed with the idea of this person, or like the idea of you know him being a crush and like you being so like excited to talk to him and things like that. But no, I am like actually genuinely like this guy, and I've liked him for so long, and there's a reason why. Um, which I could go on and on about that, but yeah, I'm not like obsessed with the idea of him or like the idea that he is a crush. So but I do want to say you'll probably think that I am obsessed with the idea of him if I keep talking, if I will, you know, um, if you guys like hear what I'm about to say and stuff like that. So maybe it kind of sounds like that. But besides all of that that I'm gonna say, deep down, I am not deep down for me, I genuinely feel like I do like this guy. So I know like a lot of people they're just wondering, oh, instead of wondering if he likes you, would you want like why don't you wonder if you like him? And I genuinely say I do like him. And yeah. Um, but also, guys, I do want to start out. I don't yeah, I don't remember if I mentioned this in my last episode, but basically I'll run it again. I'll run through it again. I we had a plan to call like after Memorial Day weekend on that Tuesday, and I was like kind of being like petty about it. And um, not petty, but like because uh this guy doesn't give me the same attention as I do or like put in the same effort as I do. Again, I do ignore red flags and I do like not see through their flaws, but I just like keep trying, you know, like keep having hope. But I know I need to move on. So yeah, I guess that kind of says, you know, that I like the idea of him, but no, like genuinely I like this guy and I would like I'm putting in effort to like not like I don't know, like I'm putting in effort to keep him as a friend at least, but like deep down I will always have feelings for him, so yeah, and especially because this has been like a decade-long crush. Um and I feel like we connected a little bit more since COVID, and that just like says a lot for me and like means a lot to me. But um, anyways, so yeah, we were planning to call that Tuesday because I was like, oh, is Monday or Tuesday good for you? And he was like, probably Tuesday. And then it was honestly kind of getting late, and like I don't know, I I guess I was busy that day. I totally forgot, um, because I was moving that week as well. So I think I was just prepping stuff and I had the call in the back of my mind, but again, like I was like super busy, so I guess that's another sign. Like I'm not like constantly actually no, I am constantly thinking about him, but like not like that. Like I have my things to worry about, and I'm not gonna prioritize him if he like I don't know, like I have my own life, and you know, I'm not gonna put him in the center of you know, above all of my things that I want to do. Like I have a career to continue building, I have school to start, and like family-wise, so like I'm not prioritizing him at all over anything. Like, I am my own life and he's just like a part of it, you know. So, um, yeah, because like his life is not my life, you know? So, anyways, um, I guess I forgot it, forgot about it a little bit, like uh you know, things just kept coming up, and I was packing and like preparing if we're gonna get a U-Haul and things like that, and then the the Task Rabbit stuff, and I kind of texted him late. I was like, Oh, sorry, just read this, which I kind of didn't, but at the same time, I was being a little petty because he's not the best responder or the best like texter, even caller, honestly, which I will get to. Um, and I know people don't connect with their phones too much, like people are like it's just a device to them, and then you just call and text here and there, like you don't have full-on conversations on your phone, like through text at least. And he like I've recognized that that's just not who he is, like he would he's very hard to reach. So I was kind of being like, not getting even, but like just kind of being, oh, this is like how it feels like you know, when I just read your message and stuff. So I texted him late. I was like, oops, sorry, I just read your message. I am still up if you want to call. And he lives um in another state, so he's like an hour behind, and yeah, I was just like, you know, I'm I'm still up if you want to call, because it's probably still early for you over there, and you're probably still awake, so um, and then he read it, guys. He left me on red, and that was that. That was that, guys. So that is like part one, part two. Um, I was so busy moving and everything. I was, you know, trying to get used to my new route to work and just getting back in the zone and unpacking as much as I can, having my sister sleep over, my mom and my grandparents sleep over, my dog here, and just like getting a feel of the neighborhood. Um sorry. There's a lot of kids in my neighborhood, by the way. And the ice cream truck passed by. I love hearing that sound again. Um, I'll probably get ice cream like tomorrow when it comes around again. Hopefully it does. I think around four o'clock it comes. But yeah, I like was so busy, kind of just like distracted almost that it wasn't that like it didn't hurt so much for me. Um that he didn't like he just left me on red. Usually I would be like, like this is like my anxious attachment style coming out. Like I just, you know, would be so hurt if someone left me on red and like like if it was genuinely uh like it needed or it was meant to be responded to, like that text saying that, oh I'm still up if you want to call, like that could have been responded to. I don't know, just some people don't I know like some people maybe wouldn't respond to that, some people may would like would. I would definitely respond to that. I would be like, um, I mean, sorry, I'm about to go to bed, like I I'm free like tomorrow or like later this week. So do you want to do that then? Um, but leaving me on red, it's kind of like bruh, like, are you serious? And my thing with guys like that, like they can be annoying for sure. I'm sure like some girls kind of understand that too, or like kind of feel that way. Like boys can be just annoying sometimes, and this is what I mean, like, don't leave my don't leave me on red if we plan to call and like stuff like that, and then just kind of like ignore me the rest of the month. Um, so what happened was he left me on red, and then the next two weeks, and this is where the obsession thing came to mind for me, um, but I don't see it that way. I see it like as a friend, like this whole time I was just like kind of you know thinking in the friend zone, like a friend being genuine. Concerned why he's not answering his phone or why he left me on red. Is he like mad at me? And see, this is where all the spiraling thoughts come to be, and it's just like so annoying, but and I'm like a huge overthinker. Um, and I just like I'm like, why did you leave me on red? Um, and then I think it was the next day, and it wasn't that late. I got home um after like grocery shopping, and I planned to call him and I did. And it was still pretty early. It was like probably 7 30 for him and 8 30 for me, and I was just like, why not give him a call because we missed it yesterday? And he didn't answer. Um, and then I wait, you know, I really have that patience, and I wait for like a week or so, and then I try calling him again. Um, didn't answer, and that was my max, you know. I'm like two times that's it. Part three. Um, again, going back to my anxious attachment style, I'm like, does this guy like even I don't know, like, I don't know, is he mad at me or something? Um, and also just like I don't know, I think with my BPD, if you guys didn't know, I also have borderline personality disorder. Um, there is a thing called like having a favorite person and like you're just kind of like everything is revolved around them and stuff like that. But at the same time, he wasn't really something that I was like super focused on because I am a very like independent focus on my life and career and goals that I have, so it kind of wasn't like that. It was probably half and half like he was my favorite person, but half not. Um, so I just got really like annoyed that he didn't pick up those two times, and I was like, this is my limit, like I'm not gonna be so like annoying to him and be like obsessed with him, um like calling him and reaching him. But then guys, part three, I probably I mean honestly, what is that sound? Honestly though, I'm gonna be so for real right now as like even just ignoring the crush part, okay? Um like I text my friends all the time. I'm sort of a big texter, like I do respond pretty late, um unless it's like a super like emergency like text or like oh my god, like gossip tea text. Um I I don't know, wait where was I going with this? Y'all. Oh like taking out the crush part, I like would like to hear from a friend who I haven't heard from in like a while and who is not picking up their phone and leaving me on red. Um, so I'm like, you know, let me just text again. And I did. And it was still on delivered, not read yet. Um, and I was just like, hey, you still down for a call? Hope you're good. Um like I was like, also, if you're still down for a call, whenever you're free, like let me know. And that was like last Tuesday, not this Tuesday, but last Tuesday. So it's been more than a week. And then guys, I had a little high and a little romantic phase yesterday because I was happy it was Friday, or no, Thursday, and I ha was happy that I got paid like early and I don't know, I was just like sunny outside, and I don't know the vibes were like really good. And I'm still taking my meds, of course. Like that wasn't just a like a really dangerous like mania episode, but I was just like, you know what? I have been planning to text him again because I wanted to share some news with him regarding my acceptance to um grad school because that's a really big thing for me, and then um me like going on vacation and just also just like a general catch-up. Like I I love like we literally have had monthly phone calls, and it's just a lot of catch-ups, and like it's really fun talking to him. Um, and I think our last call was like almost an hour, so like that to me said something like we could talk for hours and just kind of have fun talking and stuff like that, get to know each other a little bit more over the years, and just you know, we're just friends um at this point. Um so I think you y'all know what I'm gonna say. Um, I did like text him again on Thursday, and I was like, oh my gosh, like I have even more exciting news to share. Um, and I was like, like just to play it casual, I was just also I added um at the end, literally running around telling everybody. And um that was just like to cover my ass because oops, sorry, to protect myself because I felt like if I just said that, like, oh, I have some more exciting news to share, and I just left it at that, I feel like that would have been like I don't know, I just needed a little oomph after no afterwards, just like kind of make him included, you know, because I did tell other friends about this exciting news, and I wanted him to be included because in my mind he is a friend, even though we've never hung out, but like you can be friends, in my opinion, you can be friends with people like if you have never seen each other, if you've never hung out. I think the friendship at that point is just like a connection um level. It's not really like how much you hang out, like if you do stuff together, activities. Yes, it's a bonus and brownie points if you have things in common and you know, do stuff that are fun and make memories and things like that. But also like on a deeper level, the connection between you and another person that's like a good listener, understands you, and someone you can like joke around with, not take life too seriously, um, and just like be comfortable talking with them and like I don't know, just like feeling like you can be yourself around them. I think that is how you can like in my opinion, again, establish if they're like a true friend or not. But of course, that is not just from one phone call or one conversation, you know, it definitely builds up, like, and then you realize, oh, this is this is truly a friend, and um that's kind of what I consider this guy. Like, it's not a crush anymore. Um, like I just kind of like remind that, remind myself about that. Like, um, at this point, I'm just texting a friend, ignoring the crush part because this guy is not responding, so I'm just gonna like leave the crush part out of it because it's getting like it's making me too anxious and like overthinking about a lot of stuff. So yeah, I was just kind of spiraling on Thursday yesterday, honestly, like the past week after I sent him the hey whenever you're free, like if you bid if you'd be down to call, like, just let me know. Like, I think I was kind of spiraling after that, um, because it was still like undelivered. Never even read it, so I'm like, is he avoiding opening my text or like is he just not like is his is his phone broken? But um I did like he also posted something on a story about the San Antonio Spurs and Oklahoma Oklahoma City Thunder basketball game. Sorry guys, and um I kind of responded to that because I didn't want the Spurs to win, I wanted Thunder to win, but it's okay. So I kind of like hold on y'all, I think I need water. We good. I think we're good. I think we're good. I think we're better. Um yeah, so I didn't want the Spurs to win, so I sent an emoji, like a sad emoji, and he left me on red on that. On Snapchat. And I'm like, what is going on? Um, and he is the type of person to leave me on red or like leave people on red. Um like he even admitted that, like, I'm sorry, I'm a hard person to reach. And I'm like, okay, I understand. Ooh, what is going on? I feel like I have like I'm about to burr, but like I'm not. Am I talking? Am I good? Um but yeah, I I was just like spiraling. I was like, is he mad at me? Like, am I being too much? But like he is someone who I feel like wouldn't get mad too much. Um and I was just I think like I kind of think about that that time, that Tuesday where I was like, oh sorry, just read this, and I'm still up if you want to call. Um because like also like if we both planned for Tuesday, it's like I'm not I'm not gonna be the one to call first, you know? Like I've been doing that too much for the past year, so it's about time you call. Also, um, he's the one that reached out after a month. Like, like I I would usually be the person reach out first, but he like reached out and I was like, oh, this guy is still thinking about me and like wants to know how I'm doing. Um, and this was like at 12 a.m. midnight when I was at work. I'm like, dude, like you're the one who reached out first, and we still have not called since then. Like, I was down for a call, you asked me how I was doing, and I responded that I have some exciting news to share, and like I know he was like out with his family Memorial Day weekend, and he was like, Yes, let's call. Um, I don't like dude, I don't know. I don't know, guys. I don't know. Um, so I'm gonna wrap this up because this is taking too long, but overall, I am still on Delivered, and I maybe I do check it every once in a while, but like I don't do that too often because that's just messing with my brain, and also like I'm not gonna give him that attention, um, like that. So he can reply whenever he wants. Um, he can call me whenever he wants. Like, the ball is in his court now, like I'm done. Like, I just hope he's not mad at me, you know. Like, I really feel like he's genuinely busy, probably like packing up and getting ready to move to another state for school. So um, I don't know what's going on. I don't know, and it's just like hard, like, but I'm also like a culprit of this. Like, I you know, my friends would text me, like, how's it going? And I wouldn't respond like after a few weeks, and they would be like, they would probably in the back of their mind be like, Oh, is she mad at me? Like overthinking and stuff. So that's kind of how I'm feeling here with this guy. Um, just like overthinking, and like, oh my gosh, is he mad at me? Like, does he even want to be friends? Am I annoying him? Um, so in my mind, I'm just like, oh, he's just like probably busy, you know, thinking of just like different reasons. I don't know evidently what is going on, but he'll respond when he'll respond, and he'll call whenever he'll call. So I'm kind of like done. I'm gonna get back to my own life and do my thing and just focus on like the upcoming months preparing for school and like also applying to other jobs because your girl is broke, but we're just gonna see how it plays out. Maybe I feel like I'm the type of person if I do hear back from him, I would probably make an episode about it and just like recap about like everything, and my mood will probably switch from like anger. Well, yeah, I am kind of angry. Actually, no, I'm more annoyed. Like, I'm not angry at him, I'm just like annoyed, you know, because ignoring my calls while he was the first one to reach out after a while, and like we always have our catch-up calls every month, like it's just like you know, it's just that's kind of like annoying. Like, don't play with me like that. Um, so yeah, it's more annoying at that point, but um yeah, I feel like once he does reach out, I'll probably make an episode and like be all in my feels again, but like genuinely be glad that he's okay and like he actually like responds and he's active and he's like doing his thing. But in the back of my mind, I'm like, you know, he's probably busy doing something. Um, a million reasons, whatever it is. Um, he'll reach out when he'll reach out, but I'm done on my part, so I'm gonna focus on my own life, I'm gonna do my thing and distract myself a little bit, journal and read, excuse me, and like hang out with my family and my friends and my dog, get in some healthy food in me and like uh move my body and things like that. So um I apologize. I did not get some of my other topics that I want to talk about. I feel like whenever I talk about my guy crush or like my guy friend or just like any boy troubles, it goes on for like hours or like a lot of minutes, and I don't know, just like a topic that I like venting out about. So thank you if you've made it this far. I appreciate it so much. Um, but I'm gonna wrap it up here because this is probably like over an hour or over 45 minutes. Although I could talk for hours and hours, and um if you guys don't get like if you guys aren't annoyed with me yet, annoyed with my voice yet, then um you're awesome. But even if you aren't, like, even if you are annoyed with my voice, I like don't really care being unbothered. Um, but hope you guys enjoyed this episode. It was quite a lot to tackle, and I hope you guys got some not like lessons, but like this is just kind of like a fun like personal diary. So if you guys relate out there with guys or girls who are not texting you back and leaving you on red, leaving you on delivered, not answering your phone calls, I get it, and it sucks. But we just kind of like go with the flow, we'll see where life takes us, we'll we'll see where you know how everything plays out in the next few like days or so. But um, I'll definitely let you guys know what happens. Um, so thank you again for listening to this episode. I will talk to you guys in my next episode. Bye.