Episode 3: Red Flags We Ignore-Real Talk

We’re breaking down the red flags we see (and sometimes don’t) — in relationships, friendships, and family. Why do we ignore them? It’s not stupidity or weakness — it’s human. Join us as we explore the patterns, the emotions, and how to start trusting your instincts again.

Transcript

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hey. Welcome back to the Bestie Blend, the podcast where we get real, we get raw, and we get into all of it with the people we trust most. I'm Jen. And I'm Nancy Ann. And if you caught last week's episode, you already know we don't do surface level over here. Not even a little bit. Last week, Nancy Ann opened up about her 25 years of marriage. So before we dive into today's topic. We're gonna kind of piggyback on the episode from last week and Nancy Ann's story. So in her story she talked about the things that she found, emails and conversations, and I know y'all are really curious to some of the verbiage that was seen. So we're gonna give a couple blurbs of some of the things that she's seen. And if you're wondering, yes, I've seen the emails, I've even seen some video. Oh, the video? Yeah. All right. What you got? We're talking about the websites that he was on. I'm gonna start by saying this. When I saw the term FET life, I had no clue what that meant.

Nancy 1:11

A couple weeks ago when I was listening to a criminal podcast about a court case. There was somebody on the stand who mentioned FET Life, and it was the first time I'd ever heard it outside of what I had known with my ex-husband. I'm gonna talk about FET life no one knows what it is. I feel like it's a weight loss thing, right? Like you don't necessarily look at it and think, oh, that's a place where men and women go do bad things with each other.

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Is it really bad things? I mean, it's called FET Life, which is short for fetish. But I think that if somebody was looking at their spouse or significant other's phone and they see FET life, this is a really good opportunity to get that out there so that people know what it is because it's a little kinky. Okay. So I guess we'll just take a look at some of the things that. I've seen through emails and text messages and communication on these websites. How about looking for an hour, probably early this afternoon, wondering what area you're hosting in? I know that a portion of your marriage or a lot of it, he wasn't really working. Who paid for this? I would think that most of the time it came from, me working I do know that he would hide cash for himself, so that's probably one of the reasons why. He was able to hide that kind of stuff and just take money out. He had jobs here and there after college, but nothing consistent. Nothing that kind of lasted for a while. So part of it, he uses own money, which is a little, I guess, easier to digest instead of you always paying for it, or how about when the text messages I found. Where he was talking about the job that he had and he was talking about the Christmas party and how the girls were down to, you know what there, and That's right. That one guy was like Nance is never gonna let you go by yourself. Right. Go to a Christmas party so he could go and hook up with girls. I think that's hysterical. Yeah. Baffling totally. Red flag, but thing. Yeah, exactly. We're talking about red flags here, shout out to that guy who said your wife won't let that happen. So this whole red flag thing is what we're gonna be talking about in relationships, in friendships, in family, and we're gonna get into the why we do it, because it's not stupidity, it's not weakness, it's just being human. But understanding it, that's where the healing starts. I did the whole sorority thing. I was a tri-delt. I had a lot of fun. But each of these sororities, we never were able to have parties at our house. I mean, we could, but usually the sororities for where I went to school, they were dry houses. So you couldn't drink. Oh, interesting. we would go to the guys' parties. Okay. That's kind of weird. I wanna know more about that later. The dry houses? Yeah. Like why the girls were dry and the guys could have parties. I don't know. And I don't know if this still exists. That's weird. Because this was, gosh, I mean, I'm almost 50, so just think back to how long ago this was. Okay. I think, you know, Joe, my high school, long-term boyfriend. We were always on and off again. Like for years I think we were together a total of six or seven years. So during the off time I don't, I'm trying to remember. I lived with him for a very short time, It was a Friday night. Everybody was gonna go to one of our parties. And so as we're at this party, I see this really cute guy across the backyard, and. I'm looking at him and I'm like, wow, that guy's super cute. But there's no chance, like there's just no chance that I would ever be anything that he would remotely wanna even come up to talk to. You never know. But before the end of the night, he actually came up to me and we started talking like it was super easy. He was really cute. Okay. And then we continued talking all night long and I can't remember exactly how I got home. I don't know if maybe he actually drove our group of friends home. And then one day turned into a few days and we kept talking. Things were good. I didn't see any red flags yet, but I mean, at 21 years old, who's really looking for flags at the time. So what happened Okay, this blonde, we started, I guess, dating it, we can call it. Okay. You know, we'd go out, We went to a restaurant for, you know, our date, and it went nice. Really well. Okay. I knew he had broken up with a girlfriend and at that time you're not like, Hey. So how long has it been since you've dated her? When is the last time you talked to her? The 20 questions never started. So then all of a sudden I'm at work. One day I worked at the grocery store and I get a call to the front desk, Hey, Jen, you got a phone call? A what? At your work? Who calls me at work? So I answered the phone and it was like, Hey, my name is and we're from my game show host, and I just wanted to see what your thoughts were on dating a guy with a girlfriend. What the heck? And I was like, huh. Like it didn't like dawn on me at all. Right. And I was like, alright, yeah, that kind of sucks, but hey, I gotta go back to work. And then I hung up. 'cause I was like, I have no idea who this is. She kept calling. She kept calling. And thank goodness the manager at the time was like a really close friend of mine, so he kind of took care of it. And I was like, I have no idea who this is. Just, he finally told her to stop calling and now this is becoming an issue and become bad. Yes. When I kind of realized that, oh my gosh, this is his. Gotta be his girlfriend. It's the only way. Yeah. I wasn't dating anybody else and we, I knew he had kind of just broken up with her. I didn't know that they had broken up the night of, you know, this party. And I don't know if that was true or not, or within those couple of days. Wow. Uhhuh and how she knew about me. I have no idea. That is so creepy. So I had told him about it and I was like, she can't be calling my work like she's gonna get me. In trouble. Have you guys only been on one date at this point? Oh my gosh. Yeah. It, I mean, literally it was a very short time, maybe within a month we're talking like a month span here. Oh, okay. So this was probably the first couple days that we were really starting to talk. Okay. But I never had that oh my God, this is a red flag at all. And again. The naive, more naive, I guess. Yeah. Age. The experience comes with, you know, getting older. Yes. So here's where it like kind of escalates a little bit. So at the time, at this time, I was living with my cousins and she showed up at the house, left a note that and house. She knew where I lived again. Oh my gosh. So I'm kind of thinking he told her or she's following him and he, you know. Yeah. Right. So she shows up and leaves a note at the door and it basically says, if you don't stop seeing him, I'm gonna pour bleach on your grass. I'm like, bleach I had nothing to do with this girl. Yeah. That whole jealousy thing back I had nothing to do with her. I was just a girl at a party who I never even approached him like, wow, who he approached me and now I'm stuck. I was just that. Innocent bystander. You absolutely were. But you know what? Women Tend to have these kind of emotions when they're dealing with a significant other. It's that kind of. I'm gonna say it. White girl. Craziness. There, there are these sayings for a reason. Oh man. A hundred percent. But here's what I do know. The red flag wasn't even the phone calls. The red flag was that he was the kind of person who created the situation in the first place. Oh, absolutely. Someone who could date me while she existed, which was totally fine. But I ignored it all because I was flattered that, oh my gosh, this cute boy who was way outta my league. Yeah. Came and actually wanted to talk to me. I mean, but now you would see that. Yeah. I mean, and now you would understand that, but it's like we can, we kind of get blinded by the whole like, Ooh, this cute boy. So that was one. I got another story to tell you. I'm, this is very interesting. I'm enjoying hearing these stories. Maybe if you were there, you'd be like Jen, what are you doing? That is a little, that's a little bit of information where Jen and I were, when we were friends in high school, in junior high, we hung out with a group of guys. Yeah. Like we were the only girls in a close knit group for quite a while, right? And so if you would've had me, we could have bounced off each other and I could have been like, Hey, that girl's psycho, you can't date that guy. so story number two, so along with our sorority fraternities, we always had winter formal. Spring formal things like that. Like your proms back in high school. like high school, but college totally where there was, you know, you can drink and, but you still, the Jessica come Clint talk dress. Oh gosh, I love's that was what I wore to one of my formals makes me so happy. You'd be totally stylish right now. Like it's all back So one of the fraternities that I had a close friend at, they had a formal and they went to Mexico. And this is back when everybody would just hop, hop, skip, and a jump go over to go over the border. Yeah. And do you know it was where Papas and Beard was. So I had a friend asked to go 'cause he didn't have a date and he wanted to go. Okay. And we were just friends. It wasn't, there was no dating or anything like that. Yeah. So we go to the formal and it's funny 'cause before the actual party itself we were all hanging out. And my now husband, his sister, she was dating a guy at the same fraternity. And we had met obviously years, not even years before. Yeah, a couple years prior. And I still don't understand how you don't know Larry, because we were hanging out in high school. You know? It's possible that there was an introduction or something. Maybe, but I, we just don't remember. We're that age now where we forget things. Right. So I hadn't seen her since I was about 17. And so I ran into her. Okay. And it's just funny 'cause who would've thought going back? You looking back now? Uhhuh. This is now my sister-in-law. Yeah. I love that. So we love her. We, I think there's a picture of the two of us on a Fair swift somewhere, so she's gonna have to pull that up. That's awesome. So going back, you know, we get ready we go to this, the formal, and it's a lot of fun, and afterwards everybody goes to Papas and Beer and that's where we're all hanging out. But it's, you know, it is not just the school. I mean, it's a known place. And remember Camp Pendleton is not that far from there. So you had all these marine guys. So there was another guy. And I honestly, I don't remember his name, so that's how much of an impact he made on me. But again, here's the super cute guy. He's blonde, so there's a red flag, there's a pattern here, right? We actually had a really good time again just talking, hanging out, and he ended up walking me back to the hotel. Super nice, respectful. That was it. And we exchanged phone numbers, but in my head I was like, I'll never talk to this guy again. Yeah. He lives in Texas. Oh. But is a Marine and is stationed in Pendleton. Okay, gotcha. Right. So maybe a week later, he actually reaches out and he was like, Hey, I have to go and visit my parents. I'm gonna, I'm driving back to Texas, but on my way back, I'd really like to see you. Okay, cool. Okay. So at the time my mom was dating, I now consider him my stepdad, but he, she was dating my stepdad. He had a house near the beach, and I don't know if you ever, you were at the apartment? Yeah. I only went to the apartment, so that wasn't too terribly far, but he had this great house that he had ended up buying. Nice. So I was like, okay, this is where I'm gonna be for the weekend. You're more than welcome to come. Yeah. So he comes out. We have a good time. It's day one. He's gonna be out there just from like Friday to Sunday and then drive back to Pendleton on Sunday. Okay. So we're hanging out and we're getting ready for bed again. There is no sex involved. I really don't know him too well other than our conversations for the week. So we're laying in, we're laying there, and he we're talking. Then all of a sudden he turns around and says he loves me. What the heck? I was like, get out. Wow. No. Wow. I don't think that, I think I just froze and I was like, okay, I'm, it's late. I'll deal with this in the morning. What in the world? I think I caught the red flag really early on. Mommy issues something. Oh my gosh. So then, so I don't remember like all that had happened. After that conversation or whatever the I love you thing. 'cause I never said it back. I was like, I don't even know you. And then the next morning I was like, okay, so I think you actually need to go. Yeah. I can't like hang out like, yeah, this is not gonna work. No. So he ended up leaving, and that was it. I was never gonna talk to him again. And somehow I found out, or maybe he did call me, he ended up getting engaged. He got married right before he got deployed to wherever, Oh, okay. Whatever war was going on at that time, And I feel like back then all these Marines just wanted to get married. That's so weird to have somebody if something happens to them at home. Right? I have no idea. Never talked to him again. That kind of makes sense. It does. In a weird, now as we're older, we could see that, but I was like, okay, yeah, that's, but I don't do, I love you. Very often I would've just been in shock. I don't know what I would've done, but I mean, you just, that, that is not something that you say on a first week second, on a second night of talking. So we, not even like a date. And I'm sure we probably talk like nonstop, like through leading up to that, right? Yeah, for sure. But yeah, don't say you love a girl like that. That's not how that works in five days. And that to me seems. I mean, obviously huge red flag. Yes. But I caught it. I wish more the red flags I caught early on. Yeah. Or that other girls could see. Yeah. The whole I love you thing. That's just not gonna happen. No, absolutely not. That's just crazy. I don't I have so many red flags. Obviously I never did anything about any of my red flags, but, I think one of the big ones with the computer now and with social media and internet access at the tip of your fingers constantly. It's so easy for people to, download dating websites or messaging websites and things like that. You shouldn't be talking to other people if you're in a relationship. Some of you may be following us on our Instagram, which is the bestie blend, and we've been posting topics and questions for people to answer. Yeah. One of the ones that we posted was about wedding rings. What do you do if your spouse is not wearing the wedding ring? Now it could be for two different reasons. Like at work,, I didn't always wear mine I did get my finger caught on a fence at one time. But I was never one that was like, you have to wear your wedding ring. Even with being married to my ex, it wasn't a big deal to me because, I mean, a wedding ring isn't gonna stop somebody from cheating. At the beginning of my marriage, he was not gonna wear his wedding ring. It was told to me that was not gonna happen. He wasn't gonna wear it. Like even before you actually got married? This was after we got married. I didn't really know. I think maybe he wore it for a short period of time. I was like, why did we even buy one then? What was the point? But again, with the whole fact that I think that he was, cheating on me before, I think that went hand in hand for my situation. And I do know that he would. Frequent bars and frequent other places where people would look at his hand. Girls would definitely look at that. So I think from my situation that he didn't wear it because he didn't want people to know he was married. Yeah. He wasn't going out there and being like, oh, my wife she's amazing He was going out there finding other people Yeah. It again. Every situation's probably gonna be a little different. Absolutely. Right. Depending on what your spouse does for work, depending on what, whatever it is. But the whole, I'm just not wearing it. 'cause it's uncomfortable, that's gonna crack a poop. But in my situation, I feel like if it, he didn't have any problems with wearing it for a job. Like he wasn't gonna get his finger stuck somewhere because you know what he did? Like he wasn't gonna get hurt, anything like that. So obviously I should have taken that at the very beginning as a red flag. But I don't know. It's just that one where you don't wanna, you don't wanna believe it. No. And at that point, I don't even think you, even your brain wasn't processing that, right? Correct. In my new marriage, he's very much, we wear our rings. Yeah. It's a significant sign for him a re representation Absolutely And so he's very we're, when you're married, you wear your ring and that's it. You guys are a couple. Right. I think that if I ever got into a relationship later on. Again, or anything like that in the future? I don't, I think that would be something that was very important to me just because I didn't have it. And even throughout my whole entire marriage, I would ask him to put his ring on and he still refused and up until the end I guess. And so I think that would be actually something that was very important to me, and I would hope that would be important to the person that I was in a relationship with. Do you ever think that you would get married again? I really, truly do love being alone. I've never had this peace and enjoyment in my life, but I will never say never. Right? I'm open. Wherever God leads me and whatever path he has for me in front of me for the next 50 years. I am, open because what I thought was gonna be the next 50 years of my life and being dead and nothing and no joy, no happiness. Now I have all of that. When I had originally got divorced, I don't ever think I said, I'm never doing this again. I truly believe it. In marriage. Yeah. And I getting married so young, it wasn't a bad decision for me at all. Yeah. I mean, I have two amazing kids. They're awesome and their dad's a good dad. What I think is funny is people, 'cause we're actually still pretty close. Yeah. And people think it's the weirdest thing. But again, I think it's funny going back when I tell my story, it'll make maybe things a little bit more clear. Yeah. Of why and I even remember while we were married, we had friends that had divorced. And you always heard of these people that Oh yeah. We, you know, they come over for the holidays. Yeah. And they, and to me that's important because I don't want to ever wanna make my kids feel like I'm gonna talk bad about their dad. Or they need to like me more than their dad. I don't ever want that. Choice to have to ever be made. Yeah. I am mom, he's dad. We have this great relationship with our kids and that's just how it should be. I think. And I know I'm weird. No, I think it just depends on the situation that're in. Correct. You have two amazing boys and you had an amicable split. We did. And so there's respect there. Yeah. Whether or not you agree or don't agree, you still have raised two boys together. Now, with me I'm blessed that I did not have children. Because that could be an ugly situation, but I mean, I would love to have stayed in contact with my family but unfortunately the situation that, I was in, It wasn't a nice split and so I just don't feel that I have the capacity now to stay within that group of people. Right. I think for you, just in general, your mental health is way more important than anything. Yeah, absolutely. And that wasn't our situations were totally different. We'll say, we grew apart. Yeah. But we never hated each other. Because I keep on saying in my head, if he would've just told me in January when he started the affair that he didn't wanna be in the marriage anymore. I would've gladly walked away. I wasn't happy either. If we weren't gonna come together as a couple and fix the marriage, then let's separate. Right? So if he would've come to me and told me that and said let's be done, I'm, I found somebody else, I would've gladly said, okay. But, and that would've been respectful. It would've taken away the guessing because you, it was a guessing game for you. Oh, yeah. Because of how it ended. Oh, he was never a hundred percent. he was never honest at all. No honesty. And so that's the hardest part for you is you were guessing like you still wanted, again, you wanted to try to think that he was going to do the right thing and either work on your marriage or do whatever it is that was needed where you felt better, but it was never like that with him. And I've learned now that. A hundred percent. I should trust my instincts a hundred percent. I always I just knew when things were happening and I would always push it to the side and never trust my instincts. That first, that a woman's intuition, yes, And I think that women need to trust it. So much more than we do because ultimately what we believe the first thing that we think of is really ultimately true. And I think that was, a big thing for me to learn about myself right now is that I'm always gonna be trusting my instincts and that's across the board and no matter what I do, right, work, relationships, family, anything. It's that for failing forward. We, you learn from your mistakes and it's not necessarily anything that's bad a hundred percent. You just learn and you learn what's best for you. Who we were at 19, 20, 21 is not who we are going into our fifties at all we want Different things. And I've always joked with my kids that you guys cannot get married until you're in your thirties because you truly don't know who you are and what you want at a life. my youngest is gonna be 19, and my oldest just turned 24. They're still trying to figure it out because the times in the world is just different than when we were Yes, a hundred percent. And my situation, I was forced to grow up immediately, so I didn't have the choice to not be an adult. Yeah, it forced it. I definitely agree with that, that we grew up really fast. And it was one of those things where it's like you graduate from high school, you either go to college or you leave the house. That was, it wasn't as normal now to stay at home with your family for a lot longer. I mean, I think my parents were like, okay, 21, you're off of the insurance, you're out, you're done living on your own. These kids get insurance till they're 26. I did not know that until you told me that a couple weeks ago. And that shocked me. Yeah. 26. But I don't. See why it should, that should even be an issue. And honestly, they should be able to be on our insurance as a family insurance thing. Absolutely. That's what I think. But it works for everyone now, right? I mean, it's very different, right. 'cause it just takes the stress off a lot of things, but, oh, for sure. Yeah. No, my kids are gonna be with me forever. When we got married, 'cause we both got married the same year for our first marriages and we were both 22 So definitely different people now than we were then. And I definitely think that we learned about red flags and trusting our instincts and women's intuition, and knowing that these things that we see we can't ignore Now, try not to, I know sometimes we don't want to see them. Yeah. But if you just get that one inkling, just take a breath and think. So we see you, we hear you, and we're so glad you're here with us every single week. Next episode we're going even deeper. You do not want to miss it. Until then, blend love. Bestie love. We'll talk soon. See you next week... bye bestie. Bye bestie.