Episode-4: The Silence Is Heavier Then The Story

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey besties! Welcome back to the Bestie Blend Podcast. I'm Nancy Ann, and as always, I'm here with my best friend Jen. Hey everyone! My gosh, I'm really happy to be here, but I'm gonna confess I am a little nervous, but it's kind of those good nerves. Cause it's time. It's definitely time. But before we go any further, boys, if you're listening, this might not be easy for you to hear. I know we've talked about my story in the past, but I've not really gone into as much as I'm gonna go into today. I also want to guard your heart a bit. So please, if you need to stop here, stop now. It's okay. I love you. And babe, nothing here is anything you haven't already heard me say, but it's a lot, and it's all in one place now. So you don't need to listen if you don't want to. And I love you too. We gotcha. But before we dive into today, we want to take a moment to let you know that this episode uncovers some really heavy topics: childhood, sexual abuse, and physical abuse. We're sharing this with so much love and intention. But if those topics are sensitive for you right now, please take care of yourself first. It's okay to pause, come back later, or listen with some somebody you trust. We also want you to know that resources are available to you. We'll share them at the end of the episode. I just want to say if you ever experience anything like what we're going to talk about today, you are not alone, you are seen, and you are loved, and you belong here. Okay. So today's episode is one that has been on my heart for a really long time, Jen. You and I have talked about your story in private so many times. And I always felt like our listeners need to hear this. What finally made you feel ready to share this here? Honestly, it was a moment that happened not long ago that just lit a fire in me. I think for years I just lived by this unspoken rule. We don't talk about it, and it never happened. And I was really good at playing that role. But I got to the point where the silence was just heavier than the actual story. And I trust you, I trust our bestie blend community, and I want someone out there, maybe someone who's been carrying their own secret, to hear this and know that they're not alone. Absolutely. That means everything. And I just want to say, on behalf of everyone listening, thank you. Thank you for your courage. So let's get started at the beginning. Tell us a little bit about who you were as a kid. Paint us a picture of what was your world like. Alright, I'm gonna do my best not to cry. I've got some cleans just in case. I can't tell you how many times I've written my story, read it, talked about it, and I always get teary-eyed. Okay, deep breath. So from the outside, everything looks great. We look like the normal family. But what's behind closed doors is a totally different world. My mom and dad dated for a very short time. My dad played hockey, my mom was a figure skater, and that's how they met on the ice. All of a sudden, mom's pregnant, and again, the stories I'm told, dad had to do the right thing and get married because back in that time, in the late 70s, it's just what you did, allegedly, before I was even born, they were married and divorced. My mom was young, and being a mom, I don't really think that being a parent would fit into her lifestyle. So after I was born, my mom gave me back to my dad. And I don't know, because I have no idea what the actual true story is with all the years of all this, but probably within it, maybe I was like six months old, and as a mom, I have a hard time understanding how that's possible. Because no matter how young you are having a child, let's face it in reality, she was young, but she was late teen when she had me, so it wasn't like she was 15. But again, she just had other priorities, and I definitely wasn't one of her top priorities. She was adults. So the way the story goes is that they allegedly had some kind of court documentation paperwork, from what I was told, and mom was able to take me every other weekend, but my dad was the primary custodial parent, and that's just how it went. I lived my life every other weekend going to my mom's house. My dad had remarried at some point, honestly. I don't know if he was married at the time when I moved in, but I had a stepmom. And then my brother is three years younger than me, so I had a half-brother, same dad, different mom. I don't really remember anything that was like amazing about my childhood being in a world with my dad and my stepmom at all. Being at my mom's house was totally different, and I'm still really close to that side of the family. The earliest I remember is I was four years old. Uh, I was in my room asleep, and my door opened, which kind of woke me up because I heard it. At the time, I think we had hardwood floors, so I can hear the footsteps. And then all of a sudden, my dad ends up under the blankets of my bed. He had crawled in from the foot side of my bed. All I remember is this will be our secret. And that was the night that everything changed. And I was just four years old. Four years old? I'm giving you to take a second. Okay. I think I'm okay. Okay. I just really want that to land to our listeners. You were four years old. The first time this happened. I'm pretty sure that was the first time. You were a baby. It was. And when I say that I don't really remember anything else, it wasn't. I do remember what had happened and transpired that night. It was what he said that that's I don't remember a whole lot, but I do remember those words. It's a trauma bond. This would be our little secret, like it was supposed to be this good thing. So can you tell us how long this went on and what else was happening in the house at the same time? Gosh. Memory is a funny thing. I think it's definitely something that wants to guard you and protect you. So I don't really remember a lot or every single time. It's just there's certain things that definitely stand out. Things he told me, things he did, and things he asked me to do. And I think about that now as an adult. Like, how as an adult does a child turn you on? Does a child make you want that? It's gross to me. I can't imagine a thought process. So while I was dealing with the things that my dad was doing, I also became a target for my stepmom. She was hot-tempered with me, yelled at me constantly. And then when the anger got the best of her, I'd end up in the hospital getting stitches. Oh yeah, the shower head, it wasn't attached correctly and it fell on her head while she was taking a shower. Wow. That's insane. Yeah. I swear it was like the most rotten kid in the morning because I just upset her so much in the mornings, because that seems to be when I took the brunt of it a lot of it. But she had gotten so mad at me, she smacked me in the face with that paddle brush. So and I had the bristle mark pattern in my cheek. And I went to school. This was the public school that I was going to, so it was either first or second grade. I don't, I can't really remember how old I was. But back then nobody did anything. Your parents were disciplining you, you got in trouble, you got hit, it wasn't a big deal. It was literally normal. Like did anyone ever say anything to you about like the marks on your face from that brush? I don't remember. And I do remember having like kids come up and ask me, like when we were outside in the play yard, and who knows how I played it off. I was pretty good about like my stories. I'm sure he came up with really good excuses. Oh, 100%. But yeah, I can't really remember when the physical abuse from my stepmom ended. I do remember that the sexual abuse, I remember the day that it was the last day that he ever tried to do something. My stepmom had left, and as soon as the car was out the driveway, I would always get the hey Jen, come here. So I got that. And I had gone into the bedroom, and then my stepmom came back within maybe five minutes. It's like she forgot something, or she drove back in, and I got pushed out of that room so fast it was like, act like nothing happened. Was that in your bedroom or his bedroom? I was in their bedroom. He pushed me out. And as I'm going now as an adult, like going through like the healing of all of this and stuff, I wanted to know the age I was when this all stopped. And there was a specific bathing suit. And when you're that young, you're only gonna wear that bathing suit one season. It was cute. It was pink because pink's my favorite color. But it was one of those ones where it wasn't a two-piece, but it was like you're swimming in your back showed. So I knew I had a picture, and over the course of the last five years, my dad and stepmom sent me all the pictures that they had of me in childhood and stuff and growing up. So I had to stack up pictures in a bag and I sat and went through it all. I remember getting pushed out and I just had to sit down. Remember the living room area where you would step down into where the was? So that little step, I was sitting on that step and I had a picture of me and maybe it was a cousin, I don't really remember. But back when we took pictures like this and got them developed, the date was on the back. Yeah. So the date had me at 12 years old. 12. So from 4 to 12. From 4 to 12. 12 is when it finally like that was the last day he ever did anything. It all blows my mind. I was 12. Like, I don't remember being that old. Like he did it for that long. Yeah. Think of the age 12 now and how kids are at the age of 12. It's how did that continue to happen? How didn't somebody I mean people saw bruises on me? I think that times are so different now than they were back then. And I think that people just sweep it under the rug, don't say anything. So I'm gonna tread lightly on this, because I still have a relationship with my mom. It's a different one and it's sometimes very difficult. So if she's listening, I'm not gonna apologize because I know I didn't do anything wrong, but I'm gonna tread lightly on this. I know she was young. Not that that's an excuse, but so she actually saw bruises on me. And I remember one particular day, one week and she picked me up, and I was in the shower with her, and I had a bruise either on my butt cheek or down the back of my thigh, and she had asked me, you know, what happened, and I got in trouble and I got hit, and then she's mind you, I'm about six. Do you want me to say anything? Well, when you're asking that to a six-year-old who's getting beat, no, don't say anything, because I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna just end up with more bruises because now I'm either gonna be lying or And that was it. She listened to the six-year-old me and never said a word. Six years old and drove me. That's where you just take your daughter and you take her to the hospital or somewhere or ask questions. You know, I ask, do you want to say anything? And when you're six years old, she listened. Okay, that was it. That was the end of the story. And you know, my mom was the fun party mom. You know, she took me to my first concert. You know, I met Cindy Walfer, and you wanted that as a little kid. You don't know any better when you're that young because she's just showering me with all these fun things to do, and being a cool mom, being that cool mom for the week, the weekend mom. We had fun to go there. So when did you finally start to like put it all together on what was happening to you? I don't know that I really ever did because I think there's that that part of you that just where your mind protects you, you shove it so far down that again, if you're not talking about it, you're not thinking about it, it never happens. And so I just kind of kept that once I started junior high, because that would have been in what 12, 13. Yeah, I I hid like every detail of my life of that portion of it. Like I never talked about it. And when I look back now, when we were in sixth grade, and this is one of before I came to school with you, we had sex education, and I remember you had to have your parents sign that paper to get it later. I was the only kid that wasn't allowed to watch it the movie or whatever they were showing. Oh, for real? Yeah, your parents didn't sign the paperwork or you didn't take it to No, they wouldn't sign it. They refused to allow me to listen to it. I think their case was we can't have that teacher to teach you this stuff. Well, I'm thinking, I bet you it's because something in this video is gonna say if you're being touched or hurt by an adult, you shouldn't be. That goes back to our last episode, red flags. And then I feel that my whole childhood, I was never taught right and wrong between being touched or anything like that. I didn't know any of that was wrong. It didn't feel right. Like I was scared. No one ever told me, like, hey, if anybody ever touches you inappropriately, you come to me. So when my boys were born, that was like I've always been very like, you know, these are your bits and pieces. Nobody touches. And when you're little, parents have to, you know, change your diaper. And when you are in your toddler era and you're going to the bathroom, yes, we're gonna have to wipe you. But only a doctor, if they're gonna do anything, and I'm gonna be in the room with them when they're gonna do that when they're younger. You do not get touched by anybody else that you don't know, any family member changes weight in our time out because of how many people were abused and no one ever said anything. Can I when I go back and look at this you know, the these school years and what they didn't allow me to do, it makes so much sense. Like they did not want me to hear that I can go and tell somebody or that it was wrong. Yeah. So did you ever talk to your friends? Any type of kill in school? I know you're really young at this point, so I'm just trying to figure out did you just push it down? And no what I mean, no wonder you wanted to be at school all the time. When I was in junior high, everything had stopped, but I just didn't want you know, you don't want to be home. One of the things that I remember, and I would always kind of get in trouble for is when my mom would take me for the weekend, and then I'd have to come back that Sunday, I would have tears in my eyes, but then I'd get back in the house, and then they would be upset because I why are you crying? And then I would just get in trouble. It was just a never-ending thing. I wasn't allowed to be sad, I wasn't allowed to cry and no emotions. So I really tried to hold back and just not say anything, and it was hard because then I would just go into my room and that would be the time I can cry, or when I was in the bathroom taking a shower. I that that was my my time that I can just kind of let it all out, but being quiet. Nobody heard me, and like nobody heard the sniffles. So I'm so sorry that you had to carry that with you for so long. And I don't remember when it finally I was able to talk about it a little bit with you. I don't even remember how that came to be again. I was already 18, which means I would have had sex. Like, you know, Joan and I already had sex for the first time, and I guarantee you that's probably that trigger point for me. Oh, for sure. Is all of these sexual things I'm now learning about as an adult. Wait, I don't want to think about that. I don't want to think those thoughts anymore because it and so I don't even know how I told you. Yeah, because you and I think Liz knows too, you guys both were like, all right, we're going to the counselor at school. So we gone to the counselor at school, and because I was already 18, this was our the end of our senior year, she looked at me and said, Well, you're an adult now. I'm not mandated. What would you like me to do? And at that point I was like, Well, shit, she's not gonna do anything. She's not even gonna try. I wish I would have made you go to see my mom. Right. Then I guess I'll just okay. You can do nothing I can do. So probably, you know, we graduated. And then I worked at the grocery store, so I I had already had my own insurance. Like nobody had taught me about birth control. You know, I I did it on my I went on birth control at 17 or 18 on my own. No, it had to be 18 because they wouldn't have it was 18. And because I had insurance, I was like, all right, well, there's this thing called counseling. Right. So let's see if I can find something. But you had therapy? Yeah. So I found this it I think it was like Studio City. I found some lady, and I felt so dumb talking to this lady. There's a therapist for every person. Not one therapist fits all. Correct. And so you know, I'm I'm going into kind of my story and telling her, and she's got this like plastic child bat, you know, the ones that are big and fat. And she would put a pillow on the floor and she says, Take this bat, that's your dad. I want you to just let it all out. And I'm like, This is not really me. I mean, if I'm gonna have a bat, I'm hitting a ball and I'm gonna run this first base. I'm not gonna sit here. It's so strange, though. I saw her for a couple of times, and I'm like, I can't do it. So I just didn't feel that connection. And then I ended up finding somebody else through the doctor that I had, and I loved her. But here's the shit part about counselors, not counselors, but just in general, trying to find a counselor. Hospitals and insurance only gave you a specific amount of hours. I could only go to her for so many sessions, and then I couldn't go to her anymore. Ever again? I think it was done. I would have had to pay out of pocket, I would assume, and who told how much at that, you know. I mean, it's not cheap to go to counseling. And even to this day, I was trying to look back into trying to go again as I'm dealing with everything that's coming out now. When I call for the insurance, they're like, Well, actually, you can get it because it's it's covered under a portion of mental health. I said, Okay, well, what about if we did, you know, Larry is now in the mix of this and he's getting to know a little bit more. That's gotta be super hard for him. He's gonna need help too. So, can we do like a marriage counseling for no, we don't do that. What do you mean? You don't like none of these places do it that insurance is covered, you gotta go outside. I just I don't understand it. I think that totally needs to change, but it's not right now, so I deal with it, and obviously. Well, you're so much more open to finding out exactly what's going on through other helpful resources. Podcast is one of those outlets that I know for me, but telling my story was a weight lifted off of me as we're still doing it now for you. I'm praying and hoping to say better than I think it would be. Because I feel my biggest anger issue for me is why does he get to go about his everyday life as if nothing ever happened and he was this perfect father figure, dad, etc.? And here I am. All of these things are coming flooding back. Why does he get to live his life like he's fine and happy? And I'm struggling. To hold these people accountable. He did that to me. People to this day have asked me, would you ever file a police report? You know, and maybe I would have back then. I don't know. Well, let me backtrack just a little bit. So while I was going through counseling, back then we didn't have cell phones, we had pagers, and my stepmom had been trying to get a hold of me and didn't know where I was, and I was in my counseling session. I got in trouble because I was MIA for an hour. I had to fess up to what had happened. I think I told my brother first, and he was besides himself, he was so angry. And then I gotta tell my stepmom, like, Mom, Jen's got something to say. And I don't remember the anger from her at all. I don't really remember her reaction, but I just remember her going, Well, I think we should probably go to counseling. Well, it wasn't Jen's counseling, it was family counseling. So they made the appointment. I had to sit there and listen to why he did what he did and what his excuses were. In the session, you sat there while he said what he did to you. I had to listen to this. It wasn't, and what a shit counselor for not going to stop, we're done. This isn't what I thought it was. We're gonna we're gonna have one-on-one. Like, and it was just never like that. And his that would be trim. His excuse or whatever his apology was is you know, I'm sorry, I didn't want to lose you to your mom. So I just thought that this would bring us closer together. And in my head, like back then, I was like, okay, I didn't know how to take that. You don't know how to take it because I don't have anybody telling me, going, no, this is wrong. Yeah, no. Sorry, that's a cop out. Right. And so that apology that he said he gave me or thinks he gave me, that's not what I want. I want him to know what pedophile he is and that he's sick in the head. And this is gross, and this is alright. And I I to this day I've never gotten that from him because he doesn't think that he did anything really wrong. Like I I don't know. Irrationalization of being close to you by doing the thing to you, yeah, just is absolutely mind-blowing. So this was all within like months of each other. I was still with Joe, and I think I even talked to Joe a little bit about it. I remember we were at his house, and everything was just kind of coming down on me. Yeah, with it being out there now, my stepmom knew, my brother knew, and that was it. Joe and I had a conversation. I remember sitting in his room on his bed, his bedroom door was open, and his dad had passed by. And I remember hearing if after Joe had walked out, his dad was like, What did he do to her? Yeah. And I again being that young, I don't really remember anything after that, but you know, that whole first sexual experience of having a boyfriend and doing all the things for the first time, I got really lucky. With Joe, even though my parents totally hated him, he was kind. He has it wasn't anything forced. I mean, listen, we were together for six six, seven years. Like there was never any pressure. I mean, we were both young and naive. That made it really, really easy. It was very compassionate. So, yeah, that was my first love. We ended terrible. Terrible, but you know, going through what I was going through at that point, it was what I needed. Yeah. I needed somebody to just listen to me. Well, God knew he did that way. Right. So I don't know how long after everything kind of came out, but I had gotten into like a really big argument with my dad. Couldn't tell you what it had nothing to do with the sexual abuse. But he basically told me that I had to pay rent, and it was like some crazy amount of money that I was not really gonna be able to afford because I paid for everything. I was going to school, my grades were decent, I didn't do drugs, I didn't drink. You know, we go back and talk about what my brother did. He was sneaking out, you know, he was doing all kinds of crazy stuff, but I never did any of that. Well, it didn't say getting rid of you would be a way of making him feel better about hibs. 100% because when he told me all this, I said, Well, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna sit here and pay rent that I really can't afford, and still have to abide by every single rule. I have to vacuum your house. I have to do all of these things when it should be I have to clean up after myself, my bathroom, and my bedroom. Ridiculous. I said, I'm not gonna live here anymore. Literally had zero idea where I was gonna go. I just was like, then I'll move out. And instead of him going, no, no, no, you know, like it was like, okay. I moved out, and within 24 hours, my room was an office. I I had no place to come back to. So I ended up moving in with Joe just to kind of figure out um what I was gonna do because I had no idea what I was gonna do. I had no place to go back to. So even if you were on your own, I was on my own 100%. That thought process of I wasn't allowed back never hit me until just this past year. I just assumed, like, I'm just never gonna go back. I don't want to live with them, and I don't want to abide by their rules. So I lived with Joe for I don't know, maybe like six months, and that was all you know, it was fun in the beginning, and then it was not so much fun because then his mom was like, she wanted to take on and be like, Well, if you're living here, I'm gonna clean you and I'm gonna put you on my taxes, and I'm gonna have money off of you. And oh, she works at the grocery store, but she comes home and doesn't offer doesn't bring anything to us. And I'm like, why don't you ask me to bring stuff? I will, but I can't have an adult that that's just so crazy. I'm not a migrainer, it became toxic. So I ended up just without my cousins and single for a little bit before the ex-husband and I got together. And I don't even think I told much of my story to him either. And this might be funny. I just kind of pushed it in the married back and just couldn't have left it alone until Yeah, I moved out, moved into my cousins, and then I lived with them for quite a while. My ex-husband and I, we worked at the grocery store together. We started dating, and then we moved in with each other maybe a year or so. Because at some point I had switched over and I moved in with my mom because I've never lived with her. It was kind of hard at my cousins, and I wanted more of my own space because it wasn't mine. So my mom and I rented an apartment together, a two-bedroom. I gave it a shot. It was really a struggle to live with her. She lied a lot to me. So at one point, my ex kind of he stayed over longer and longer and basically kind of moved in a little bit. Because it was just easier for me. I couldn't handle live with my mom. And so, at maybe a year into, you know, after the lease was coming up, I was like, it's time for me to be on my own. And I knew that I could afford living in an apartment. Obviously, I was paying half of the rent, and then I had my ex with me, or the boyfriend with me at the time. And so we moved into our one-bedroom apartment, and again, I never talked about it. Any abuse to anybody. Do you think that you built up some resentment to your mom because of the like knowing what you knew and doing your happy link, maybe? Yeah, I don't just like I don't think I realized it then. I think I was just I would just get annoyed because it would be in the the little lies, and I would call her out on it, and then she would still lie in that Joey bonkers. So, and then she would, I mean, just throughout my childhood with her, she would choose other things over me all the time. So finally, when I was at the age, I'm like, well, I don't even want to go over to her house anymore. Like, I'd rather just stay with my dad. What I mean, at this point, I'm not getting abused anymore. I'm working, I mean, playing softball. Like, I had a care of herself so I can leave what I want. So, yeah, I just kind of lived my my life, you know. I had my boys and my dad and stepmom, they moved out of state after my first was born, and he was two months old. We don't talk about it, it didn't happen. I had this great life with my parents and my daughter, father-daughter relationship. Picture a perfect family in a way, you know. And then we talked about I've always wanted kids, and I wanted to be a mom that changed the narrative of how I was raised. Because when you look back at my life and my childhood, it was awful. It was terrible. There were times that I wished I'd never been born. You know, I think, and I'm gonna say this, and I and I my mental health is good, but back in the time, suicide wasn't as big. It was had I known what that was, sometimes I wonder if the outcome of me would have been different. Because I was just trying to survive. Nobody cared. I couldn't go to anybody, I couldn't talk to anybody. Makes me stuff. I don't ever think I ever said it out loud that I wish I was never born. I'm so glad you were born. I learned that you're my best friend. I don't know what I would do to survive my life without you. Say, say, thank you for staying. I'm here. I'm not sure. Thank you speaking with this. Because it's important. That's what you raise your kids the way you've raised your kids. That's why you have the family and the the support and the closeness and the bond you have with your boys. Like you did not want them to live anything near what you lived in your life. No, I've done it. Home is supposed to be a safe spot. It's supposed to be comfortable. You're never supposed to be afraid to come home. But you know, the boys are can be a pain in the ass, sorry boys. But you know what? They're boys, they're teenagers.

unknown 28:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:16

You know, I would get the belt, I would get whatever was a railroad because my stepmom would walk in and see a messy room and she would flip out, and then I would just have a bruise that would I mean, I'm a teenager. What teenager keeps their room clean? Like was that just stir growing. And you when you remember when you walked into my room, it you kind of rever-I guess how my bed was, it would be up against the wall underneath the window. And so the front of my bedroom was the front of the house. And so when mom and dad were like, Okay, you guys could clean a room, I would just shove everything on that other side. So when you open my door, the door had to see it. But as soon as they walked in and saw it, God, the wrath of hell just like unleashed. And I got in trouble for stupid stuff like that. And you know what's funny? I was bowling back then. And so we talk about this the last episode, the intuition and the those red flags, yeah, or that sixth cent that we have. I would, you know, my stepmom would drop me off, and halfway through I got this feeling this isn't gonna be a good day going home. What did I put in my drawer? What's underneath my bed? I don't remember. I'm gonna get in trouble. I know it, I could just feel it. And so the nerves would really start as soon as that was like 10 minutes away from her picking me up. I'd get in the car, she'd be silent, not say too much to me, and then we'd get home and then I'd get the belt for whatever. Did you ever get the wooden spoon? I did. My brother got the wooden spoon. You know, that was like when you got in trouble. Like back then, that's how you disciplined. My brother never got anything that I got. I remember one time we were sitting down, and my brother had crossed his legs a certain way, and I made a comment like, You can't sit like that. That's a girl sit, boy, sit like this, and then that was it. She was like, Don't tell my son how to sit. He can sit any which way he wants. And I was like, I can't imagine you should be in a house like that, girl. I I want to say I was very blessed though, I went through some trailer stuff. I was very blessed that because to me that would fit like that. No, oh, there was no such that's why the whole, you know, someone told me they love me, and I don't like hearing it. I really don't. Unless you mean it. Yeah, it's not it's like a lie. And my dad, even growing throughout the beginning stages of the adulthood, would always say, but he loved me, and whatever. And I'm like, I guess I believed it. But it was also that family showed me love by giving me things, you know, was like they bought things for me. My dad had a good job growing up. He lived a decent in hindsight when you're looking at it financially. We were good. We went to go to school, like the financial aspect of it was there. My dad made really good money, and so things we were that's kind of how he would show whatever love he had. And I always wonder if there's like other victims someplace else that I don't know about. So, as you know, getting into the adulthood, it was like when they moved, of course, I was a little irritated with it because we had talked about them being the boys' babysitter, and so now financially, I gotta pay all the money, get all this money to have a babysitter when I was at work. Did you ever think about that for a moment though? Like what your dad did to you and then to have them babysit your kids. Now I do. Like remember, I get it, but like can you imagine? Yeah, I don't think having and I don't know why it makes a difference, but if I had a girl, I don't think that I would have done it. Ever. Like that would have never crossed my mind. You know, I had a boy, so I'm thinking, okay. But again, you're saying yeah. God made everything happen the way it did, and they never watched my kids, and I'm thankful for that. And we did what we did. We went through the struggles of being a new parent and having to pay money for being kidded as so expensive. Working full-time. So they left. He was two months old. And and so, you know, we'll pretend that everything was okay and it was a loving-parent daughter relationship that they want to come back part of your kids' lives to see them and stuff, and it was never that. I think they came out a few times, but paying for a plane ticket when I'm barely making it by was very hard. I remember like we'd be negated in the account, but somehow I had to come up and fly to them. And then while they're while we're there, and I'm nervous because I'm like, I don't know how I'm gonna pay all these bills, but it didn't bother me to go see them. I really wanted to, but I was also financially struggling, and so I it was like hard. And so we just didn't. We my kids went up there. I went up there once when my oldest was young. Like I have, you know, he was a baby baby, and then I went back up there again after I had the youngest, and that was the last time that I had been there. So my oldest was probably eight, maybe. And that was the last time as a family of four with their dad and me, we went there. The boys went up there. My oldest was 16, and they both flew their first time fly. And when they got up there and came home, it changed their thought process. Uh he said all of these things, and we got there, and it was like grumpy. That was the first time their eyes opened to my oldest. The other one, he was still young. I don't think he really got all that. He was just too young. So, how was that going? I mean, if you ever want to go up there again, great. If not, he's just like, I don't I don't know. He always said that we were gonna do all of this stuff, and then we get there, and it was like a disappointment. And so then that kind of just we just never visited. They never came down here, we really never went up there. We had gotten into about six years ago, like maybe even seven. My dad and I got into like a huge like biggest argument ever. And again, not about the sexual abuse, not about the physics, nothing. This it was all just stupid stuff. He's a person that is if you don't like my way of doing things, there is no other way. So we got this big, big, big fight, and we both said pretty nasty things to each other, and so we had stopped talking, literally, no communication with either of them, because it all this argument included my stepmom. And so after a month or two, I was like, I don't have the stress, I don't have the anxiety. It's really good not talking to either one of them, you know. Like my brother and I still talk. We aren't the brother and sister that talk all the time, it's holidays and birthdays, but there was no animosity between them. No, because my brother ended up moving up with them years later, and so it was nice, and then all of a sudden I would talk to my brother, and he's like, Dad's always complaining about you, and I keep reminding him this is what you did to your daughter, and you need you need to go out there and reach out to her. So he did. He tried to like re-engage with me, and I was like, All right, I'll listen. Like, because again, it we didn't talk about it, didn't happen. So I was still at that point, and I did it. I knew that I felt better not talking to him. So I just wouldn't talk to him. I would talk to my stepmom, you know, and even talking to her was a little hard because she is like she didn't know how to talk to me anymore. You know, it was always about like what TV shows are you watching, and which is fine because I know that's a kind of normal conversation, or the gossip that was going around. So one of the things that happened at some point in the years is that another family member had done the same thing or molested his stepdaughter, and when this happened, both of my parents, dad and stepmom, were so angry. How can he do this? What? How can he do that to her? You've gotta be kidding me. And I'm like, how does that make any s it's did I dream all of this abuse on me? How can you get so angry and not allow him into your house anymore when a mom, you're still married to somebody who did that, but I am your stepdaughter. There is no connection, you know? No blood. But Dad really? Wow. How is that how is that not okay, but shoot-faced? And so he I mean, he would tell anybody who would listen. Do you know what he did? Do you know what he did? Like, how how do you get to do that? And why aren't you t why would you tell me that? He would go out and tell other people, but now we are in the place that we're in now. Say this is incredible. You know, and it's there's I'm not gonna get into her the daughter's story, that is her story to tell. But the totality of what happened to her and what she's living now, I just want to hug her. And I've reached out to her. She knows that I've been the same boat as her. And we both have the same her. And it's hard because you want to reach out and you want to talk, because I'm old enough now, I'm ready to talk about it. She's just not she's not there yet. You know, she's got a lot of work to do on herself. And there are other involved as well. And I don't want to reach out. I tried reaching out to another one of the siblings, but she reminds me a lot of me because we're very you constantly are doing something. Like you're you your life looks really good. Yeah, you're just staying busy. She did really well. She's, you know, never went down a road of drugs or alcohol that I go with. I don't we're not close. I don't really know a whole lot about. But I like to see her little updates. And I've reached out to her a couple times, but we'll leave it at that. So, kind of fast forward now, we're going into a year ago. We were in New York on vacation, and we were in a play. And during intermission, I checked my phone and I had 20 missed calls from my brother. And I'm like, okay. So I call him back and he was like, Mom's on her way to the hospital. We think she had a heart attack. And I didn't know what to do. I was like, What do I get on a plane or am I s he's like, wait until wait until we figure out where she's going. I said, Okay, is who's with her? She's by herself. How come nobody's with her? But I was like, okay, well, I'll wait. And so I waited until we got back to our hotel to call. No, she was okay. She was having some basically she went to an appointment, was having some issues, and they're like, you gotta go now. And they took her to another hospital that was like an hour away. And I'm like, okay. Because nobody really knew at that time, you know, what was really going on. She ended up meeting like a quad quadruple bypass, something along those lines. So I said, Okay, well, do you need me to come up right now? She's no, let's let me get through this. I'll go and basically go through whatever I have to go through, recover a little bit at home and then come out and visit. And I said, Okay. And when I talked to my brother, I'm like, well, I'm not. I really don't know where I'm gonna stay. He goes, Well, remember, just do this for mock. I I will. So we ended up finding a super cute Airbnb that I would love to go back to. It was super, super cute. Yeah. And Larry already had known about the stuff that was going on with my dad, I told him. Not really super in depth, like I have been forthcoming now. So he already hated my dad. He's like, I have to meet this guy. I'm like, I I gotta go, it's messed up. Like, I gotta go. So the boys, Larry and I, we we we flew out there, checked into the room or the Airbnb, and then we had to go down. It's you know, everything is a small town, it's right down the street. So we pull into their little community, and as Larry's backing into the driveway, I look at him and I was like, I don't wanna do this. Like, I don't I'm freaking out right now. I have the boys in the back, so I'm trying to, you know, I do not want to see him at all. And he kind of just looks at me and was like, we don't have to do this. It could be quick. We can go in and you can say hi to your mom, and then I'm just like, okay, we're gonna go in. Deep breath. And so I remember walking in and I was like, I wanted to throw up. So, you know, we're sitting there just talking about whatever topics that we were talking about. And my dad can't help always talking about politics. That was the first thing I go, we're gonna sit down, it's gonna be the first thing out of his mouth. Well, he does it bothers you. Well, and what he doesn't realize is that I always knew that me being difficult when it came to the political topic, I really don't care who, what side, but that's how I poked it. He hated it. He would post stuff on Facebook. It would be like, what are we gonna see today? What's he gonna post today? Because I would fact-check everything, and then when he was wrong a hundred percent, I would, hey, why don't you fact check before you post that? So I'm in his house, he comes up to me, I was in the kitchen doing something, and he's like, Hey, so we okay? And I look at him and I was like, hundred million dollar question. Are we okay? Sure. Yeah, we're fine. Is that what you've said to Ned? Uh-huh. Just like that. He disappears and he takes my kids to go talk because he needs to be validated. Like I'm a good person. So I think he's still out with the kids. I'm now at the point where I'm gonna just go into my mom's little sitting area and just go visit. It'll just be the two of us. No, of course not. I can feel him walking behind me. So he comes in the room with us and he sits down and he starts. I talk to the boys. I'm like, yeah. Wow. Okay, like I don't really care. Yeah, I hear it. Because I already know what my boys are gonna say. So then he starts talking to me. He's like, you know, I just really want us to get back to, you know, kind of how we were. And I don't know what came over me, but I looked at him and I was like, nah, not gonna happen. I took a step back and I was like, Did I just say that? But then he goes, No, no, no. In your own time when you are ready, and I stopped him and I said, No, that's not gonna happen. And I look over at my stepmom because I know she knows everything, and I'm waiting to get a little bit of validation from her. And she doesn't say a word. And then I start going back to for nobody gives a shit. So, you know, we do the little weekend thing. I got to see my aunt and my wife went in on that side, and that was the end of it. I went back, and I still I would check in with mom every so often how she was doing with her recovery, and I was not talking to my dad, I was just done, I couldn't do it anymore. So I always knew at some point he was gonna post because he hates the president, and he's always posting things that are said about him and what he did to women. And I said, if he ever posts anything like specifically like that, that is gonna be my way. And he did. And I wrote right under that comment, at least she wasn't four years old, at least she was an adult. Like it, yeah, and it that was deleted right away. Of course it was. So at some point nearly, I'm ready. I'm ready to start talking about this. I am ready. I am so tired of hiding his secret because he was my dad. No more sense. So I wrote an email to him, and basically, I I'm not doing this anymore. I can read it over the air, I'd have to just find it. You know, I still want I say an apology, but maybe I don't. I I don't know what I want. I want him to know that it is not okay. And I called him a pedophile in my text message. I said, you know, I don't want to have you sit in jail because that that is to me, that does nothing to me. So, but you need to know that there is no statute of limitation when it comes to this. If I want to file a police report, I can go right now and file. And you know, what's wrong? Yeah, and I need him to say that. But he turns around and gives me a chat GBT generated to automated message that he was gonna change the narrative and he was gonna work on himself, and that it was time for us to part our ways. Listen, you mofo, you don't get to tell me that. This isn't like a relationship that's split up. This is a father and daughter. Yeah, you don't get to tell me that you want to walk away and that you're changing your narrative. That is not happening because I did tell him about the podcast and that my story was gonna be told. And I'm letting you know it's coming. I'm gonna do it. I'm just thoughtful on your part so that you know and you can prepare yourself for whatever wrath you're gonna come upon. So after his Message to me, I replied back because it really pissed me off, and he blocked me. He removed me from every single social media outlet. So I ended up telling a cousin. She was just super easy to talk to, and it just kind of came out, and I was like, Oh, that actually felt really good to tell her. In my brain, I wanted her to say something to somebody else because I was too chicken set to say anything because I didn't want people to not believe me. But I think that was my biggest hurdle, is that he had made himself look so good, people aren't gonna believe me. So she finally was like, I told my mom, thank God, this is the one aunt. And I called her, and I was beyond surprise how it should take it well, which rightfully so, and I felt terrible because I know how much it hurt her. But I've not ever had one ounce of support from a family member in my entire life. Well, and to have somebody believe you and believe your story, I can only imagine the relief you felt. And I think that's the part that I thought more validated because that's hurt him because it's ruined a relationship that he had where it was important, and so she no longer talks to him, and it's in like supposed to be 100%, and with whatever I I do, well, he of course has to talk to her, and so she she allows it, you know. I because I told her, I go, he's gonna want to talk to you. It's you we we know this they live in this, and so he he, you know, he talked to her. He admitted to hurting me, but it was never anything I and I guess because I'm the victim, I can talk about the things that he did. How as an as a non-victim or not knowing really, how do you say, well, what exactly did you do to her? Like that I get that. That's it. But the one thing he did say is, Well, I wasn't I didn't do what he did to his stepdaughter. Well, how what do you mean? A crime against a child is a crime against a child, period. How about what you made me do to you, what you did to me? It's the same thing. You dumb shit. What's a pedophile? You will always be a pedophile just to do stalk, doesn't take it away. And to do those things against children is absolutely disgusting. He's changing his narrative and all of a sudden now telling people. Well, I want to know what he's telling people. What is on your side? What he did to his stepdaughter is no different than what you did to me. It is the same crime. It's the same thing. You're gonna get for every act you did to me or tried or made me do to you. That's one count. So how many counts in the eight years did you like in court? It would all be the same thing. You would have a hundred years in prison. Like that's what I don't understand. So now because it's come out, you know, people said, Well, did your stepmom know? She knew when I told her I don't know how much she knew, and I don't know what she told her. She never asked me what did he do to you. Yeah. She chose to stay married to him, and whatever that's in sh Right. She's choosing to continue to keep bitching in. So now that family certain family members know. Anybody call me and chicken on me? Nobody gives a shit. They continue to please him because he's whatever. Everybody likes him. The characteristic father figure. Yeah. And not one, I mean, other than my aunt cousin, the only people that like now that I have on that side of the family. You know, and I'm with my mom, it's another topic, but she knows too. I told her, but we've got our issues. So I just I think with my story coming out and my personality and the way I can be sometimes, I'm hoping that this opens the door for people to understand why I am the way I am at times. I don't want people to be, oh my gosh, I feel so sorry for you. I don't want that. Because back in the day, back when this all originally started, and the hurt and the I don't want to be here, and I don't understand how this has happened to me. I don't believe this anymore, but it was always like God isn't gonna give you anything you can't handle. I think as now we're going through and reading the Bible and really diving into what I did not understand as a kid. Right, and you look at all of these people who did the most horrific things in the Bible. God didn't stop them from happening. You learn from everything, we're given a choice, and I was just the unfortunate circumstance of a choice that he made. I got the brunt of that, and who my step mom was. How I did not become a drug addict, an alcoholic, homeless, I do not know. God's grace. He gave me a path, and I chose my path, and here I am. And so I'm thankful for that. I actually feel really good. This is a great therapeutic. Um it is so good, and I feel my stories hurt, if that makes sense. What are you looking to ultimately get out of this podcast episode? And telling your story is to help other women or men who have been in the same situation, who have been abused by a parent. I think in general, my story out there for those who know him is my therapy. But does that make sense like he gets to live his life, and now it's coming to this end where people are really gonna know who you are? Whether you believe me or not, at this point I don't really give a shit. This is for you. This isn't for him. Anybody else is for you and the people that I can tell in the future. You know what? I think for the listeners out there, I want them to understand a crime against a child is a crime. No one gets to rank the abuse. Oh, I didn't do that to her. And I want every person listening who's been told to minimize what happened to them, what was done to you was wrong. Totally wrong. And honestly, it feels good to say that out loud. Like this right here, talking about it, this is what healing looks like for me. People always say you shouldn't tell your story, you shouldn't hold back, but you're so afraid of what other people are gonna say, or I'm gonna be embarrassed. I am not embarrassed of what happened to me. I'm sad, you know, and the anger is slowly coming to an end. I think I don't know, every day is different. Opening my mouth and using my voice, I'm not protecting his secret anymore. He doesn't deserve that. I just want people to know it is okay to talk, it is okay to tell your story, it is not your fault, and you did absolutely nothing to deserve this. I want you to find your voice. It doesn't have to look like this and publicly get it out on a podcast, but find a person, find one person where you feel safe and let it out because the silence is so much heavier than your story, and I promise you. This coming clean, coming out, and speaking, it's a weight that has been lifted from me. You deserve to put that weight you've been carrying forever down. I'm just going to let that land for a moment. Before we close out, though, we want to make sure that we share some resources because we take the responsibility seriously. If anything in today's episode brought things up for you, please reach out for support. Find somebody to talk to. So important. Thank you, Nancy Ann. And thank you for everyone who hopped on and listened to my story today. It took me a really long time to get here, but I'm here. And if I can do it, so can you. Thank you so much for being here for this one. This episode was heavy, it was real, and it was full of so much love. This episode moved you. Please share it. You never know whose life it might touch. Subscribe, leave us a review, and come find us on social media. We're really interested. I'd love to talk to all of you guys. We are the bestie blend, and we'll see you on the next time. I love you all so much. I thank you for those who've supported me and continue to support me. Bye, bestie. Bye Bestie. We'll leave those resources on our website. Thank you. Okay, bye bestie. Bye Bestie.