Vulnerability Over Silence

This episode is about something a lot of us were never taught to do—be vulnerable.

We’re in the middle of a real men’s mental health crisis, and a big part of it is this idea that we’re supposed to keep everything in. Stay solid. Don’t talk. Don’t show cracks. Just deal with it. And it’s killing people.

I’m not coming on here like I’ve got it all figured out. I’m coming on here because I’ve been through it and the only thing that actually started to change my life was being honest. Saying things out loud. Letting people see what was really going on instead of pretending I was good.

That kind of vulnerability is uncomfortable. It goes against everything a lot of us were raised on. But for me, it was the turning point. It’s what helped me start pulling myself out of a bad place.

So this isn’t just talk this is me putting it out there in real time. 

If you’re struggling, if you’ve been holding it in, if you feel like you gotta carry everything yourself… you don’t.

And if me being open helps even one person feel like they can do the same, then it’s worth it.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:28

What up? And welcome to the World of Getaway Podcast, episode two. It's been a really rough week in hardcore. We lost somebody that, you know, is very influential, somebody that meant a lot to a lot of people. And, you know, it had me in my feelings. I'm not gonna be the guy that sits here and tries to say that this was my best friend or this was somebody that I I knew deeply. I mean, this is someone I I passed in the, you know, in the hallways in the in the back of festivals. Um never heard a bad story about this person, though. I will say that. Um, and you know, it just really made me think a lot about loss. It made me think a lot about, you know, a collective energy and and how much of an effect you know someone like this can have on such a large number of people. And uh it was really honestly it was so sad to see something like this happen, but it was so beautiful to see so many people come forward and just talk about their experiences with this person. I think that's one of the things that we we overlook, you know, is is the the memory aspect of of loss when we when we lose someone and uh you know it it hurts, it's it's painful. But we all come together and we all have these conversations about you know what it what the person meant to to us and and what the what the stories are and and I I think that that that's really beautiful. And if there's a silver lining in anything, um I think it's it's beautiful that so many people came forward. I read so many stories online about you know people just just having great experiences with this person. And uh, you know, it made me think about my own experiences with loss. Um, you know, two weeks ago, I I released a song with Beiwei called Sea of Regret, with you know, just dealing with with dealing with loss, dealing with not wanting to feel selfish when someone else is gone, and and it was my own personal loss, my with my brother Justin, who passed away. And um, you know, I've I've dealt with a lot of a lot of loss in my life. And uh one one of them one of the big losses that I dealt with was a really close friend of mine named Mike Fry who took his own life. Uh, you know, was a really, really happy guy. Always went out of his way to to make sure that everybody was having a great time. And, you know, you you would have never you would have never thought that that this is what this person was going through. And uh, you know, it turns out you you know, you you never really know what what somebody's actually going through. And I think that brings up the topic of, you know, a lot of people were posting, you know, check on your friends, and and I think that that's a beautiful thing. I think it's a great sentiment uh to check on your friends, but I also saw the argument out there that, you know, like it's like you can check on your friends, but unless they're willing to have that conversation, and most people aren't, uh, they won't burden you with what their problems are, or they they, you know, they they don't feel like maybe they don't feel like they're worth your time in in that conversation or whatever it is. And I just kind of wanted to touch base with with whoever's listening to this right now and just kind of have that conversation of like, you know, we gotta, we gotta do better in terms of being able to have those conversations and to being able to be vulnerable and out in the open with our feelings and what's bothering us and you know whatever it is. It could be something that's not deep, it could be something that's that's that's real deep, but we need to be able to have those conversations and be open and honest with each other, with our friends, with our family about what it is that's bothering us and what it is that that hurts us, you know, and you're you're not a burden to the people that love you. And I know we're taught as men to not have these open discussions about, you know, these like we're supposed to man up. We're supposed to, we're supposed to, we're supposed to bite our lip or hold our tongue and and just grin and bear the things that occur in our life that are fucking us up, you know, whether it be um a traumatic childhood, whether it be, you know, a girlfriend, whether it be online bullying, whether it be rumors being spread, or people hate, you know, hating on you because you have something that they want, or you've you've chosen to be, you know, you've chosen to be in the public eye and and now you're successful, and people want to hate on you about that, or whatever it is that that that's bothering you. And you know, we live in a time now where people could be so loud with their opinions, and oftentimes those opinions are so negative. And we we gotta we gotta create space for people to be able to have those conversations and to be open about what's bothering them. And and I really just wanted to touch on that, and I really wanted to spend some time on this episode having some conversations about like, you know, about mental health, about about men's mental health specifically. Like, you know, I I I posted something online about how we we have to be more open, we have to be more vulnerable in order to, you know, get past these situations, these stigmas, whatever you want to call them, uh with regards to you know to men be having to be strong or having you know having to be hard or whatever it is. And you know, the the outreach was kind of was kind of crazy, and people, you know, thanking me and and letting me know that you know it's awesome that I'm saying these things and and I love all of that. And thank you. And continue to reach out to me and continue to tell me your stories, and and I I'm I'm I'm open for all of that, you know. I I really am. And, you know, just over the weekend playing in Connecticut with Shattered Realm, you know, Joe was talking about, Joe Harkour, I'm referencing, was talking about, you know, his own struggles with feeling suicidal. And, you know, it happened just last week where he called me and he was really feeling some type of way. He was really going through it. And, you know, he told the the whole crowd, listen, I called him and I called him speaking about me, and you know, knew knowing that I would answer the phone and knowing that I would I would talk to him and and try to get him through it, or at the very least, just listen, you know, and it's true, you know, check on your friends, yes, that's that's awesome and all of that. But understand that just checking on your friends is is not gonna do it. You know, it's not gonna do it. Um people are not gonna tell you if something's bothering them, you know, just because you checked in. So we have to do more in terms of breaking the overall thought process that we're supposed to keep all these things hidden inside and we're not supposed to talk about them, and we're not supposed to burden people or or hurt people. We need to be more open about getting help. We need to be more open about, you know, getting the therapy that you need and speaking to a professional about what's going on inside you and what's hurting you. And, you know, I wish I go through this in my mind oftentimes. I wish I'd have been there more for my friend, for my friend Fry, who passed. I wish I'd have known, you know, the severity of the things that he was going through at the time. And I racked my brain at that time when he passed about what I could have done differently, or what was bothering him, or what in his life had occurred that made him, you know, that made him feel like there was no way out in that moment. And I think, you know, it's like people talk about or they want to, they want to have a conversation about intrusive thoughts or whatever you want to call them, whatever your terminology is for it. And, you know, I think we all have those things. We all have these thoughts in our mind, like, you know, that that are bad. Like, oh, you, you know, you're never gonna get past this. You you won't make it past this, you can't get through this. And some people are much better at dealing with it than others, but the fact still remains that these thoughts live within, I mean, within all of us. They're inside all of us at all times, and no one is free from these intrusive thoughts or these negative thoughts or this this negative self-talk. No one's free from that. No one, no one walks through life just having the perfect scenario occurring inside of their head at all times, right? So it's like to feel like to feel like you're a burden or to feel like you shouldn't have a conversation about what everybody goes through, to me, is something that we've got to do better at breaking. We've got to do better at at being more open. And the only way that I know how to do that, the only way that I feel like I can be a positive impact on anyone in these scenarios is to truly be open myself, to show people that being open is okay, it's acceptable. It's, you know, I've struggled with these thoughts myself. I've struggled with addiction. I've struggled with, you know, not feeling like you can, you could face another day because of something that's occurred in your life, or, or because of something that somebody else has done to you, or things that people have made you, you know, ways that people have made you feel. Whether it's online bullying or rumors or nonsense that people create about you, or it's the loss of a friend, or it's the loss of a loved one, or it's a relationship that didn't work out, or it's a dream that you're trying so hard to achieve that you just feel like it's so far out of grasp. These things are things that we all go through. We all deal with these I'm not good enough thoughts, these I doubt myself thoughts, these um these feelings of like inadequacy or you know, or like and or or crippling self-doubt. We all go through that. And to feel like, you know, and I keep harping on it, and I'm gonna for as much as I possibly can to feel like you're not good enough to have that conversation or to be open about that, or you feel like you're burdening somebody you're not. You're not. The people that are in your life would much rather listen to you talk about how you feel and listen to you talk at nauseum, even, about your problems than live a life without you, then, then exist in a world without their friend. You know, it's deep, but like I wish all the time that I still had my boy Mike Fry. Matter of fact, you know, and I've always really wanted to talk about this, and I never never really do, but the reason that I wear the the jersey in Bayway, you know, people think I'm like some sports fanatic or like a jock or some shit. I've seen the shit online, like, dude's a jock. It's like, bro, I barely got a jump shot, bro. Like, I'm not even gonna lie. Like, I'm I'm not a jock, like by any stretch of the imagination. Like, yeah, I guess I played like PAL or some shit like that. Like, I maybe played baseball. I was like, all right, you know what I'm saying? I ain't go pro, obviously. But, you know, like the the reason I wear the jerseys is actually a tribute to my friend who took his life. He jokingly started a band with me where we were all gonna wear basketball jerseys with our name on the back, and and it was like it was something that he talked about all the time. Like he just he wanted to do it so bad. He had this idea in his head of this basketball-themed, you know, he's a huge Knicks fan. Um, you know, to give a little bit of backstory. And he had this basketball-themed idea uh of a of a hardcore band, and honestly, it was it was genius, you know, it really was. And and that was that he was so ridiculous and goofy, and the way that he he acted, you know, he he just he was constantly trying to get people to have a good time. So it was it was very hard to take him, it was very hard to take him seriously, but this idea that he would float constantly to me stuck with me, you know, and when it came time to do Bay Wei, I was doing it with my friends who had been in a band with him, and we were all we were all friends we we for for many, many years. And, you know, we didn't even have a bass player when we started Bay Wei. I actually was playing bass and writing the songs on bass with with Chris on guitar and and Dave on drums, and then I I became the singer of Bay Wei later on, but we always joked, like, ah man, we don't even want to get a bass player, we just wish we had Fry, because Fry was a bass player. And so when it came time to do Baywei, I I I wanted to wear the jersey. I thought of of him, and I thought of how it would be such an incredible tribute to my friend. And, you know, I never expected for Baywei to become a thing. I never expected to be able to have a platform to tell this story. I just wanted to do it because to me, it was a way of keeping his memory alive. And, you know, just a beautiful tribute to him. And that that's why I do it. You know, that's why I do it because I just wanna I want to keep his memory alive and I want to feel like I'm on stage with him. And that that's that's the purpose behind you know, uh, behind the Bayway jersey. Like it's it's it's not a gimmick or or like some strange outfit or like I'm I'm not a jock. I I literally just do it for my boy who who passed. And and it's just a tribute to him uh because we never got to start this band that he jokingly, you know, forced me to be in and wanted to start. And we just never had that opportunity. So I thought, you know, it would be it would be a great idea to to be able to be on stage or feel like I was on stage with him and keep his memory alive. And that's why I do it. And you know, I wish I wish I had more time with him. I wish I had the ability to have a conversation with him to tell him, hey, what the fuck is going on, bro? Like, what's bothering you? And what what is the the root of your issues, of your problems, and like, bro, please let me help you. You know, I really wish I had all that. And, you know, this this huge loss that our community suffered uh over the past week has made me think about that. You know, it's made me think about the concept of of regret and wishing that it wasn't there. The things that you wish you could have said, the the things that you wish you would have known, the things that you wish you could have done uh differently. You know, I think it's fair to say that most people would give anything to to be able to have that opportunity to to be with that friend or that loved one or that sibling um just one more time and let them know like whatever it is, bro. Just please, like, please just tell me like what it is so I could help you. Um and so that's that's what's been going on in my mind. That's what's been swirling in my mind. And you know, I I didn't think that this second episode was was gonna be was gonna be like this, you know, as much as I I think that most of these people never thought they were gonna wake up and and and get that phone call. You know, that their friend was gone. Um and it's just it it's just to me, you know, and I was talking to my wife about it, I just feel compelled to have the conversation that it's time for us to end the idea or the concept that men can't be vulnerable, that it's somehow weak for you to talk about what everybody else is going through and feeling. And I feel compelled to have this conversation, and I in having this conversation, all I can do is be completely open and be completely vulnerable so that I can show people that it's okay to do this, it's okay to be this way. You know, I used to care so much about if people viewed me as weak or people thought that they could get the upper hand on me if they knew what my weaknesses were. And now I gotta be honest with you, bro. Like, if you're spending that kind of time trying to figure out what my weaknesses are, bro, fuck you. I don't care. It's so stupid to me to have that thought process. And I know it's a strong opinion to say, like, yo, fuck that. It's over, bro. That that kind of shit is over. I don't want to live in a world where we have to experience this loss at this scale over the inability to feel comfortable having a conversation. And if putting myself out there becomes a part of the change that I want to see, I'm willing to be vulnerable and I'm willing to have people judge me, and I'm willing to put myself out there because if it inspires one person to come forward and have that conversation, if it inspires one person to say, yo, listen, I don't think I can live no more. And it saves a life, it's fucking worth it. It's fucking worth it. So, you know, I'm gonna get deeply personal here. And I'm gonna talk about some shit that quite frankly really doesn't benefit me to have out there, you know, in terms of of motherfuckers being from the school of yo, you don't want to be perceived as weak, bro. Fuck that. Fuck that, bro. I've I've struggled with addiction my entire life. And to me, and this goes beyond drugs, you know, people think when you talk about addiction, it it's just drugs, and for me it was. Uh it was drugs, it was alcohol, but it w it was more than that. You know, it it started with food. It started with food and and and comfort that I got from from eating. And and overeating and the idea of eating, I was, I was at one time, bro, I was um I was 400 pounds. Like a lot of people don't know this about me, but I was at one time 400 pounds. I was eating myself into an early grave, and I was, you know, diagnosed as pre-diabetic. I was morbidly obese. I don't give a fuck, you know, if people think it's not politically correct, whatever. I was morbidly obese. This is this is what it is, bro. This is what doctors said to me. Um and I was eating myself into an early grave, and I didn't fucking care. I did not care because my will to live was not there. I was gonna kill myself slowly through an addiction to cocaine, an addiction to alcohol, and an addiction to food that was literally pressing my heart to the point of exhaustion. And I don't think people understand that a drug addiction in many ways is it's based in suicidal ideology. You don't care if the amount of drugs that you do will kill you. You don't care if you are pissed drunk and and and driving a car or how how far you've taken it, if your heart's gonna stop. You don't care because you don't have the will to live. You have given up on yourself when you start to take it there. When you are that level of addicted that you no longer you no longer care whether you live or die. And it's a form of suicide. Whether it be um whether it be like the permanent version of it or not, it's a slow version of it because you are in effect choosing to shut your body down. You are choosing to kill yourself slowly. And, you know, that comes from deep depression. It comes from childhood trauma. It comes from, you know, I've been diagnosed with everything under the sun, bro. I I've been in therapy since I was five years old, you know, and this goes again to like a level of open that, like, you know, you're not gonna most people aren't gonna do this. And and and I and I respect that, but I hope that what people get from this is you can, you can talk to somebody about your problems. You can talk to everybody about your problems. And that's again, I'm just gonna keep stressing that as I go on here. This is what this is what I hope to achieve is a certain level of openness in men and and that that allows us to be more open about our problems, what's bothering us, and hopefully saves lives. And I I hope it's bigger than the hardcore community, but that's my community, and that's that's where I exist. That's where that's where I live, and that's where the people that are closest to me are. So I hope, I hope I can have a positive effect there, first and foremost. But, you know, I've been in therapy since I was five years old. I I, you know, I came up in in a house that was plagued in domestic violence and drug abuse. My mom didn't think she could leave my dad, and in many ways, she couldn't. And for years, he chased after us and made it impossible for us to live. And we lived in fear forever, man. Forever. We ran and we hid and we tried so hard to get away from this motherfucker, man. And it was hard. And we went through that. And through years of therapy, when I was younger, I learned how to manipulate therapists into believing that I was okay because I didn't want to deal with these things. I didn't want to have these fucking conversations, and that's why I think this means so much to me. That's why I feel so compelled to have these conversations, because it took me 38 years to be able to get into the right routine, the right mindset, the right therapy, to be able to heal, to be able to get rid of a drug addiction, to be able to get healthy and get my eating habits correct, to be able to be in the right frame of mind for my family and for my friends, all because I was so afraid of being vulnerable. I was so afraid that I was a burden and I wasn't good enough because of what I had learned over the course of being manipulated as a child. And I think to a lot, you know, I think I speak for a lot of people when their story's probably not exactly the same as mine, but there's probably similarities because you know, in hardcore we joke that we're all a little fucked up, but it's not really a joke, is it? You know, it's not really a joke. We all found this thing because we were searching for it. We were all looking for the family that we never had. And that's why we're here, a lot of us. And we're all a little fucked up. So while your story may not be exactly like mine, I'm sure that just by me telling you this story, you can relate in some way. And I hope, and my goal, and I'll go back to it again, fuck it, a million times. My goal here is that you are done listening to this and ready to be more vulnerable and more open about what it is that's bothering you. And in being more vulnerable and in being more open, you'll be more open, and somebody else will be more able to be vulnerable with you. And that has the incredible possibility of saving a life that has the incredible chance of improving someone's life and really having a positive effect on a community that is hurting, especially right now. And you know, in the years that I was drug addicted, in the years that I spent just in such a deep hole, I remember always feeling like I'm never gonna get out of this. My life is never gonna get better. I'm never gonna be able to fix what happened to me. I'm uh why me? Why did this happen to me? Why did, why was, why is it that in a world where I could have been born to a rich family in Italy where I could have just eaten fantastic food and maybe had beautiful views of the ocean? I was born in New Jersey to these two people in this fucked up scenario. Why was I put here? What is the purpose of this? Why was I put here? What is the purpose of this? What is my purpose? And is it even worth worth living? You know, and I I've been very blessed. A lot of people search their entire life for for love and for a soulmate, and I found one. And I don't know why she has stayed with me through the incredible bullshit that you know I've put her through. But she's an angel and a blessing, and in that I was lucky because I always had somebody to love me out of it. Um I always had somebody that was not gonna give up on me. Even when I was giving up on myself. And, you know, when I finally came out of this dark place, and I finally came out of this hole, and I started to do the little things like, you know, be a good member of my family, be there, like my grandfather helped raise me, and when he got sick, I was there for him every day. And truth be told, not to go off in a completely different uh scenario or tangent here, but like, you know, when my grandmother passed, who also raised me, I I wasn't there. I wasn't present, I wasn't ready or capable of dealing with losing her. So I ran from it and I regretted it. And it only led me to a worse, darker place. It didn't help me. It didn't, it didn't help me to deal with her passing or to feel better about it. It didn't help me. It just took it, it it prolonged the inevitable. It made it so much harder for me later on. So when my grandfather had a stroke and lost the ability to walk, I made sure I was there. Because I never wanted to have that same regret that I had had previously. And, you know, this is shit I've I've I've really only said to my wife, maybe some of my closest friends, but it's important. It's important because we're on the topic of being vulnerable. And this is real shit, you know, this is real shit. And as I as I came out of these dark places in my life, I started to realize that that entire time that I thought to myself, you're never gonna get better. Your life is never gonna get better. It was actually all bullshit. And it was actually all a lie I kept telling myself because I really just wanted to stay in that that cycle, that depression cycle that grabs a hold of you and and keeps you there and tells you, you know, it's never gonna get better. Just just stay in bed. It's never gonna get better, just drink, it's never gonna get better, just use fuck it. Whatever excuse you can come up with to keep yourself in that cycle, that's what your body does. And your body believes that it's keeping you safe. Your mind believes that it's keeping you safe, but the only way that you're gonna get past it is by being vulnerable. The only way that you're gonna get past it is by taking the risk of talking to a therapist and being honest. And that's what I did. Talking to your wife and being honest about, you know, being being a drug addict, you know. I kept it from her, I hid it from her for so long. And uh and eventually, you know, I I told her. And when I did, it it freed me of a lot of burdened regret and and bullshit, and it broke the cycle of that level of addiction that I was in. It broke me from being in this vicious cycle of using and and feeling bad about using, so using again to forget about feeling bad about using and and you know feeling bad because I wasn't there for my grandmother, and feeling bad because of the things that I saw when I was a kid, and the things that happened to me, and feeling like, why me? And why why couldn't my life have been better? And and why didn't I go left when I should have gone right? And all of these things that just keep you in this vicious cycle that you're just you're really just running from. And eventually I came out of that, and eventually I I I recognized that all these things that I thought, all these you could never get better, you could never stop doing drugs, you could never get skinnier, you could never lose weight, you could never be in shape. Uh no one's ever gonna like your music, no one's ever gonna take you seriously as a musician. Nobody's ever gonna fuck with you. All the friends that you lost because you were a fucking asshole, and all the friends that you lost because you weren't an asshole, they're never gonna fuck with you again. No one's ever gonna fuck with you again. These are the things that I used to tell myself, and I and I don't think I'm the only one. I don't think I'm the only one out there that has that negative self-talk. I don't think I'm the only one out there that feels like a failure and feels like they're never gonna be what they wish they could be, or they're never gonna achieve the goals that they wish, or it's too late, or you know, I did this instead, or oh, I got this stupid fucking job that I hate and I can't go do this now because I'm burdened with this, because I have this. Whatever it is that you tell yourself, what I'm here to tell you right now is that it's it's literally all bullshit. It's literally all bullshit. You can do whatever you want to fix your life. You just have to be vulnerable. You have to take the risk. You have to take that first step to say, I'm not gonna do drugs no more. I'm gonna tell people that I've been lying to that I'm an addict. I'm gonna tell a therapist about my childhood trauma, and I'm gonna walk myself through it and forgive myself for shit that I had absolutely no control over. I'm gonna say I'm sorry to the friend that I wronged. I'm gonna call the person that I fucked over. I'm gonna answer the phone when my friends call instead of being selfish and saying, I don't have 35 minutes to have this conversation right now. I'm gonna forgive myself for not being there when my grandmother passed. I'm gonna forgive my mother for the mistakes that she made. I'm gonna forgive my father, even though he's a fuck up and I don't talk with him no more. I'm ultimately gonna forgive him for the things that he's done because holding on to the hatred that I have for him is gonna do nothing except for burden me further, and he's already done that to me. All of that starts with being vulnerable because your brain tells you not to do any of that stuff because it's unsafe. Run from that. Get the fuck away from that. It fires off the signal in your brain that tells you, bro, get the fuck away from that. But what I'm here to tell you is that in doing that, you are not going to do anything except for a disservice to yourself. You're gonna fuck yourself up. That's all you're gonna do. It really begins, it starts and ends with being vulnerable. It starts and ends with being real with your friends about what's going on with you. Who cares if people think that you're crazy? You're already telling yourself that you're crazy. Don't gaslight yourself into believing that you're the only person that feels this way. I'm literally sitting here talking to you right now, being incredibly vulnerable on a podcast on my second episode ever, letting you know exactly all the fucked up shit that's gone on in my life in hopes that it inspires you to have a conversation with somebody that you love about something that's bothering you. There's nothing crazier than that to most people. There's nothing crazier to most people than thinking, man, you know what? I'm just gonna sit down in this fucking room by myself with this microphone and just talk about how the fuck I feel. I don't really care if people judge me and they say, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? I don't care if people think that I'm self-serving. The only thing I care about here is being vulnerable. I spend so many years of my life drug addicted, not wanting to live. And I'm sitting here right now begging anybody that's in that position to please get help. Please talk about what bothers you.