Regulation Before Resolution™

In this episode of Soul Medicine: Healing Out Loud, Angela deepens the conversation by exploring the role of self-awareness in nervous system regulation.

Before we can change how we respond, we must first become aware of what is happening within us.

Self-awareness is more than reflection—it is the ability to notice our thoughts, emotions, and bodily responses in real time. It creates the space between stimulus and response, allowing us to move from automatic reactions into intentional action.

Without awareness, regulation is not possible.

Through thoughtful explanation and real-world application, this episode invites listeners to slow down and begin observing their internal experience with greater clarity and curiosity.

This is not about judgment.

It is about noticing.

Because awareness creates the space where regulation begins.

Thank you for listening to Soul Medicine: Healing Out Loud.
 This is a space for reflection, awareness, and intentional living.

If this episode resonated with you, take a moment to sit with what you’ve noticed.

Until next time, remember—Regulation Before Resolution™

 If you’re ready to take the next step, you can find more resources and ways to connect at aaspiringwellness.com.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:35

Hello again.

SPEAKER_02 0:38

And welcome to Soul Medicine Healing Out Loud.

SPEAKER_01 1:00

This episode will focus on regulation before resolution. Before we get started, feet flat on the floor.

SPEAKER_02 1:22

We're going to take a deep breath in through the nose for four. We're going to hold for four. And then we're going to exhale as long and longer than we inhaled.

SPEAKER_01 1:42

Okay. Deep breath in. Two. One. Hold two. Exhale.

SPEAKER_02 2:15

I wonder how many conflicts I've witnessed where both people were technically talking, but no one felt safe. What happens in the body when someone says, Calm down?

SPEAKER_01 2:54

Why do I say and believe regulation before resolution as a practice?

SPEAKER_02 3:13

Most people are trying to resolve problems while their bodies are in survival mode.

SPEAKER_01 3:32

You know, we speak two different languages.

SPEAKER_02 3:37

And no, they're not French or Spanish. These languages are facts and emotions. And think about the conflicts that you've been in, or conflict trying to have conflict resolution with my air quotes up. However, one person is talking about how they felt, and the other person is talking about what actually happened. When we're defending ourselves, when we're over-explaining how we feel, when we want the other person to understand, so we over-talk them, or they over-talk us. When our voices start getting high, and then someone says, Calm down, and it echoes in your soul. Who are you talking to like that? You don't tell me to calm down. I have a reason to be upset.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

Regulation before resolution has more to do with taking care of yourself before trying to fix, judge, make a decision, or simply communicate.

SPEAKER_02 6:29

Um in our intimate relationships, and what I'm finding out is that a lot of individuals try to think for the other person, believe that because they have been intimate, both physically, emotionally, and mentally, that they know what the other person is thinking or getting ready to say. And so what happens when we're dysregulated is we're already playing the situation in our head. We're already telling ourselves what's gonna happen, and this is the nervous system preparing for the worst, so it goes into survival mode, and the goal of the nervous system I often tell my clients, is an ADT. You remember those signs in people's window or stuck in the dirt in their front yard, that there's an alarm system on this house. Well, that is what your autonomic nervous system is, it is a protection, and I know I speak about it a lot when it comes to emotion and um regulating emotion and thought. There's a portion of it called the parasympathetic that actually controls and regulates heartbeat, heart rate, blood flow, breathing.

SPEAKER_01 8:57

And this is why individuals have panic attacks and get overwhelmed in thought or situation, and then the parasympathetic goes into overdrive, and now you're hyperventilating, feels like you can't breathe, and then the tears come, and now it's uncontrollable sobbing.

SPEAKER_02 9:46

So, what we do is feet flat on the floor, deep breath in through the nose.

SPEAKER_01 10:01

Three, two, exhale.

SPEAKER_02 10:32

It happens in families, it happens in friendship relationships, and in romantic relationships. And I often ask couples why they say such hurtful and harmful things to one another. When I'm counseling families, I ask them the same thing, and everyone goes quiet. So I allow the silence, and then I very sarcastically say, because you can, because you're not going anywhere, and I can talk to you any way I want to, because you're not going anywhere, you're my sister, you can't go anywhere, you always be my sister, or you're my brother, or you're my child, or we've been together so long. If you ain't left yet, you ain't leaving. We take for granted the relationship dynamics, and become this fort within ourselves, protecting ourselves from the one we say we love.

SPEAKER_01 12:22

And don't get me wrong, sometimes it's necessary, however, it's also self-damaging.

SPEAKER_02 12:41

When I think about a time where communication simply failed, and not because you don't know how to use your words, or because of skill, you're not a good leader, but simply because of activation. Activation looks like being triggered. There's a word, or even a look, like when you're talking to someone and they roll their eyes. Yeah, that will that would get your lips swole up like bubblegum. Um these are activations, and what I walk through with clients is talk to me about what part of that situation activated your ADT, and I have them slow down and think about the last conflict they were a part of. How did it start? What was the phrase or words or look or silence that activated your survival mode? And where did you feel that in your body? Was it in your chest like tightening? Was it in your throat like a bunch of words jumbled up?

SPEAKER_01 15:06

Was it in your gut like bubbles? Some people feel it in their legs, like they're ready to run away.

SPEAKER_02 15:23

When you see people clapping their hands with every word, they feeling it in their hands.

SPEAKER_01 15:39

In high-functioning adults, what does dysregulation look like? Maybe a sharp tone.

SPEAKER_02 16:02

It may be over talking, someone else is talking, and you're talking over them, or you're saying a lot, and you haven't even taken a breath yet.

SPEAKER_01 16:19

It can look like withdrawal. Just gonna be silent, not gonna say anything.

SPEAKER_02 16:33

I'm not answering my phone, I'm not answering any text. I don't know what to say, so I'm just not gonna say anything. Or the things that I have to say may ruin this, so I'm just not gonna say anything.

SPEAKER_01 16:58

There's also intellectualizing going over spiritual. You shouldn't think like that. So I hear you getting dramatic. You must not have anything else to do with your time. Yeah, those words sting, don't they?

SPEAKER_02 17:50

Why do we believe more words will fix what the nervous system has already escalated? Why are we taught conflict resolution skills but not nervous system literacy?

SPEAKER_01 18:32

What do I mean by that? I taught a class in a recovery center, and the population were men and women that had just gotten out of prison.

SPEAKER_02 19:09

I taught them about their autonomic nervous system, and so every time they would come into group, and it was processing time, they had to sound off with who they were just in case someone knew was in the group, and they had to say what part of their nervous system they were in in the moment.

SPEAKER_01 19:42

So let me teach you.

SPEAKER_02 19:48

Sympathetic is when you are in anxiety. That is the portion of your autonomic nervous system where you are in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

SPEAKER_01 20:11

Dorsal is when you are feeling low.

SPEAKER_02 20:18

That is where you're in withdrawal, stonewalling, sadness, depression. That's the sweet spot. That's where we're all trying to get to and linger for a while. So those are the three places within your autonomic nervous system that you can be at any given time. And if you're in sympathetic, you're still trying to get back to ventral. You're in dorsal, you're still trying to get back to ventral.

SPEAKER_01 21:26

Ventral is like the middle rung of the ladder.

SPEAKER_02 21:37

Pick your sympathetic way at the top, and your feet reaching into open space, trying to get hit, get your foothold on it on ventral in the middle, and dorsal is way down at the bottom. Last rung, and you're reaching up with. Your hands trying to get a handle on ventral. Because ventral is where regulate it. I feel calm. I feel relaxed. Even in the midst of chaos. Even when there's things going on that are hurtful, even when I'm feeling a little sad, I can still put a handle on ventral when we think about nervous system literacy and it not being taught, what does it cost teams?

SPEAKER_01 23:02

Families, churches, corporations. Remember, we talked about the three, right?

SPEAKER_02 23:38

Sympathetic activation, anxiety.

SPEAKER_01 23:42

That's the gas pedal. The dorsal shutdown. That's the brake pedal being slammed. And ventral. That's the regulation. It's a flexible shifting between the states. Think about these experiences that you've lived. When your voice gets sharp, where are you in your nervous system? When you start cleaning aggressively, when you go quiet and say it's fine. There's nothing to fix. There's nothing to judge. We're simply noticing why can't resolution occur without safety? Have you ever made a decision in panic mode? And then later on wish that you could reverse the outcome. For our mind, for our physical body, and for our emotional self.

SPEAKER_02 29:00

Like that's where you go from zero to a hundred. Just like that.

SPEAKER_01 29:15

And so think of what that does to your heart rate to the pacing of your breath, it becomes difficult to breathe. And if you stay in that state, heart attack, stroke, even gut issues, happen in this state.

SPEAKER_02 30:09

Things like GERD, which is the gastroesophageal reflux, right? So now you can't keep food down.

SPEAKER_01 30:28

There's always bubbles and foam burning in the center of your chest.

SPEAKER_02 30:58

And it's called parasympathetic dorsal shutdown. Because when you slam those brakes, your heart rate drops.

SPEAKER_01 31:16

Your blood flow slows.

SPEAKER_02 31:21

That's why you start feeling lightheaded in both states. One is rushing and one is halted. So dorsal is also referred to as immobilization because nothing is moving. And in both of these states, they also control hormones. So cortisol, which is a stress-induced hormone. Cortisol disturbs the heart, and it also disturbs the sexy. I had to say it. Yeah, that comes from cortisol. So safety feels more physiological than anything. And that's why, if you ever come and sit with me in a session, I am going to ask you at any given time, where are you feeling that in your body?

SPEAKER_01 33:09

So that you notice exactly. Hold three two exhale. Name three neutral objects that are in the room with you right now. You're not fixing. You're not judging. It is leadership.

SPEAKER_02 37:41

In the next episode, we're going to talk about what happens when one person in a system is always regulating the room.

SPEAKER_01 38:02

Thanks for listening.