The Push–Pull Pattern: Why You Want Love and Distance at the Same Time

Have you ever felt completely grounded on your own… but unsettled the moment you start to care about someone?

In this episode of Soul Medicine: Healing Out Loud, Angela explores the push-pull pattern—a common but often misunderstood experience where part of you craves connection while another part pulls away.

You’ll learn:

•  Why your nervous system can hold both independence and a desire for closeness 
•  How small triggers can activate internal conflict in relationships 
•  What’s actually happening when you feel split between “I don’t need anyone” and “Do I matter to you?” 
•  How awareness begins to shift the cycle 

This isn’t about being inconsistent or “too much.” It’s about understanding how your system learned to protect you—and how those patterns show up in real time.

If you’ve ever questioned yourself in relationships but felt steady everywhere else, this episode will help you make sense of that experience.

The goal is not to eliminate reactivity—
 it’s to shorten the distance between reaction and regulation.

Thank you for listening to Soul Medicine: Healing Out Loud.
 This is a space for reflection, awareness, and intentional living.

If this episode resonated with you, take a moment to sit with what you’ve noticed.

Until next time, remember—Regulation Before Resolution™

 If you’re ready to take the next step, you can find more resources and ways to connect at aaspiringwellness.com.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hello, and welcome to Soul Medicine Healing Out Loud. I'm Angela, and this is episode seven. As we begin, place your feet flat on the floor. Notice the ground beneath you. And if you're seated or lounging, allow yourself to be supported. Sway your head from left to right. Yes. Let's loosen up any stiffness that you're noticing. You're going to take a deep breath in through the nose for four. You'll hold for four. And then you'll release, allowing your exhale to be longer than your inhale. Let's begin in through the nose. Three two hold three two exhale. Simply notice. Opening your heart and your mind. We're not fixing. You're not broken. And we're not judging. Simply noticing. In this episode, I'm gonna talk a little about a pattern that I notice that I call push pull why you want love and distance at the same time. Have you ever noticed that you're completely fine on your own? You handle your life, your responsibilities, your work. You're independent, capable, and grounded. But the moment you start to care about someone, something shifts. You start thinking more, you start feeling more. You start questioning things you normally wouldn't. You might even find yourself asking, why am I like this in relationships, but nowhere else in my life? If that resonates, stay with me because today we're going to talk about something I see all the time, but it isn't talked about clearly enough. Let's get one thing clear from the beginning. You are not inconsistent. You are not too much, and you are not broken. What you're experiencing is a pattern, a very intelligent, very adaptive pattern. It's your nervous system doing exactly what it was trained to do. And once you understand it, everything will start to make sense. I call this pattern the push-pull pattern. And clinically, I refer to it as the autonomy attachment split. Here's what that means in plain language. Part of you feels safe being independent, handling things on your own, not needing too much from anyone. So now you have two internal experiences happening at the same time. I don't need anyone, and do I even matter to you? That's the split. Let's walk through how this actually plays out in real time. It usually starts with a trigger, and the trigger doesn't have to be big. It can be as simple as a delayed text message, a shift in tone, a feel of someone pulling back slightly, or even emotional closeness itself. Then your nervous system activates, not always loudly, but internally something changes. And then comes the split. This is what we call deactivation. You might pull back emotionally, shut down, tell yourself, I don't need this, and focus on your independence. Once again, this is not a character flaw. This part is trying to protect you from disappointment, vulnerability, or feeling exposed. At the same time, or shortly thereafter, another part of you moves toward connection. This is hyperactivation. You might start overthinking, replay conversations, desire reassurance, and feel unsecure where you stand. This part is trying to protect you from disconnection, rejection, abandonment, or feeling unimportant. These are the conversations that normally happen. So now you have both happening, and at the same time, you want to move closer, but you also want to pull away. You care deeply, but you don't want to feel like you need anyone. Things are going well. Then one day, communication shifts slightly. So you pull back. But another part says, wait, are they losing interest in me? So now you're checking your phone, thinking and feeling unsettled, and instead feeling grounded, feel split. Simply put your hand over your heart and nod. Here's what happens next. And this is important. The behavior that comes out of this split, that pulling away and then reaching out, and then pulling away again, this creates confusion in any relationship. And that confusion often leads to more distance, more anxiety, and more internal questioning, which reinforces the original pattern. Yes, this is a cycle, and cycles can be broken. So let me reframe this for you. This is not dysfunction. This is adaptation. At some point in your life, you learned how to stand on your own, but you may not have fully learned how to feel safe while being close to someone else. So your system developed two strategies: one for independence and one for connection. Because the solution is not stop being independent, and it's definitely not stop needing connection. That's not even realistic. However, that's where we go. The goal is this regulation before resolution. Yes, we are back there. Before you try to fix the relationship, before you try to figure out what the other person is doing, or even making up in your mind what you think or believe the other person is doing, it's important to stabilize what's happening inside of you. Because when you're regulated, you don't overreact, you don't shut down, and you don't abandon yourself. You simply respond differently. Of what happens inside of me and acknowledge it. Yes, I see the pattern. I can stop and regulate myself. Challenge the negative thoughts. Ask the necessary questions, and accept whatever answers I receive. Once again, from a regulated place, without overreacting, without shutting down, without over-explaining, without abandoning my own worth, my own values, my own being, and make a decision from clarity instead of from confusion and emotional overload. Stay with me. Here's something simple that you can start noticing. The next time something shifts in the relationship, ask yourself what triggered me? And then ask, did I move toward distance or toward closeness? Remember, we're not judging. So no judgment, simply awareness. Because awareness is what shortens the gap. You don't have to choose between independence and intimacy. The work is learning how to hold both without losing yourself. And even with this awareness, you may still find yourself doing the same thing, desiring closeness, then pulling away, understanding the pattern, but not always changing it. That space between knowing and doing. Well, that's where we're going next. Give yourself some grace. Take a moment to reflect on where you see this pattern in your own life. And as always, the goal it's not to eliminate reactivity. Thank you for listening.