Ep. 3 Horses Kinda Freak Me Out

Fuzzy details of my awkward upbringing and wildness in church world.

Talking about the weirdness of growing up in the 90's as a young confused Christian/Catholic/ADHD goober boy. 

This was a little longer of an episode with lots of stories. I feel like I could do a pt. 2. I'm sure there are other nuggets that will come through soon enough. 

Remember, this is my creative outlet and being vulnerable about talking on this stuff could help someone else. Who knows! We are all on a roller coaster my friends. Giddy up and enjoy the ride!!

*Photo is of one of the Caravan garments I was working on. I put more effort into my sash vs the little cape thing!

For more information on my practice or how to work with me 1:1 - Visit FieldsMindBody.com.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey there, good morning to you, my friends. It's so good to sit down with you again, uh, just recording another podcast. So, this is the Wizard of Wonder podcast. My name is Joel Fields, I'm a licensed massage therapist, and I consider myself a somatic alchemist due to the nature of the bodywork that I do and the the idea that I help people transform. And we transform from the inside out within my bodywork business, but I'm also a coach and I help people make transformations within their own life through that. And this podcast is a way that I can use my my creative voice, my mindset, my my ability to communicate uh to maybe create create a little change, right? We're all we're all just out here doing our own thing, and I have uh 10 years of practice under my belt as a therapist, and I I love what I do, but uh this podcast was created and designed as a way that I can just be a little bit more open about my experiences of life, where I've come from, where I've been, and where I'm going. So thank you guys for joining this little journey. Um, I'm excited, I'm very excited, and I don't I'm not a big public speaker, so the idea of sitting, you know, doing doing uh a training or something that makes me a little nervous, right? But I'm still growing into my own, you know. So today's recording uh is uh April 2nd, and in two days, I'm all turned 39, right? And in as I'm entering into my 39th year, I'm doing a lot of change, a lot of personal growth, right? I've been on a trajectory of personal and professional growth for a long time now, and it started around 2017, and you know, here we are entering into you know, we're in 2026 now, and I'm about to turn into my 39th year. And as I'm I'm going through my last year of my 30s, I I've I've really adjusted a lot of things in the last few years. So, since becoming a business owner uh for the last three years now, there's there's a lot of lot of things that you learn, you know, but a lot of becoming a business owner is also doing your own inner work. It's you know, being accountable to yourself. You know, I I don't have anybody, you know, holding my hand or anybody pressuring me to do a certain thing. And within my my world of human design, I'm a generator and I'm a sacral, I have a sacral authority to me. So that means that I respond to things. So and I respond best, and I respond best to things that light me up, excite me, turn me on, so to speak. And I don't know, I've I've I've I've been feeling a desire to sit down and do a podcast for a long time now, and it's just time that I do it. So I invested in a nice microphone, and I've I just sit down and I do it. So like I've mentioned before, I've done a podcast uh called the Holistic Ratio Podcast with Dr. Rose Hollow, a naturopath. And and that's more of a more of a uh interview type podcast. Um who knows? We're we're talking right now about reviving that a little bit. We did some episodes with some local people, and that went really well, but it it just stayed more local. So we're looking to expand that a little bit more. So check that out if you'd like to. Uh, but this is my own creation, you know. This is totally different. I I want to, you know, just create and talk about my experiences of life and where I've been, where I'm going, things like that. So buckle up and let's have some fun. So today, my intention of sitting down and talking about some stuff, right? I want to get into talking more about my past. I I think it's important for me to share about my past because you know it's it's being vulnerable, but it's being open and it's being honest about what I have experienced. So what I'd like to talk about right now is just the So I've spoken about this before. Where I live in Northwest Ohio is highly, highly religious. So today I'd like to talk a little bit about religion and some of my background in it and why I don't think it's the best thing. So if if that turns you off, sorry, but this needs to be said, and this is this is hard, right? Um I've been doing a little bit of deconstruction work. I have a a friend who uh has highlighted a lot of things that I wasn't even really aware of that have been kind of in the background of my mind for a long time, is in relation to the religious stuff, right? Religious trauma. That's very real, you know. And when I mention that to people, even my family, they're like, Well, that's not real. That's you're just full of baloney, Joel. And I it it hurts me when I, you know, my it hurts me when my experience is like downplayed or like you know, gaslit, you know, and it's like you that's not your reality or whatever, that didn't really happen, but it it clearly did because I can remember it, and I have a really good memory. And so yeah, so and anyway, religion for me started long ago. You know, I was a baby baptized, uh, and I didn't have you know, nobody had my consent. I was just pulled up in front of this this church audience and like given to God. So I grew up in the Nazarene church, and my my parents were heavily involved with that. So my mom was a part of the choir, and my dad, uh, he was a Sunday school teacher. My dad's been a Sunday school teacher for as long as I have remembered, and he's always just kind of had this thing about like teaching kids about Christ and all this good stuff, right? And uh, you know, as a kid, you know, I went through the motions, you know. Um, I was I'm gonna talk about it because this is the episode to talk about it, right? I I just I just feel compelled. And uh so as a kid, you know, uh growing up in the church, you know, I had to do Sunday school, I had to do church stuff, I had to do all those churchy things, right? And I I kind of liked it because when you're a kid, you know, they there's an excessive amount of cookies and juice. So I was on board. And you know, I I didn't like church because it it took away from Lego time or you know, cartoons or you know, things like that. And I I was, you know, as a youngster, I was heavily invested in my you know, Saturday morning cartoons, Sunday morning cartoons. Sunday morning cartoons were a little less quality than Saturday morning cartoons. I don't know what it was. I don't maybe maybe the TEV networks were on board with Sunday morning uh cartoons. I remember watching very church-oriented cartoons as a kid and just being like, these suck. You know, the the the plots are all the same. It's all just like these kids like going through these weird little wacky adventures, and then all of a sudden being like, oh, we're going through a hardship, but oh, we have Jesus' love in our hearts. Oh, it's okay now. The hardship is just gone. Okay. Well, that's that's fantasy, that's not real. You know, give me samurai pizza cats, give me Voltron, give me um Captain Planet for crying out loud, you know. At least he taught us how to take care of our planet and our earth, right? Um I I miss Captain Planet, you know. Uh I had one of those little rings that they used that had all the interchangeable um symbols to them, you know, Earth, fire, wind, water, heart, you know. Uh I hope I didn't miss one. Anyway, anyway, um, this you know, ADHD here today. Um, and I'm recording this in the morning, which is a little different. And I've I've I've got clients coming in in about an hour, so this is exciting to do. But anyway, this is getting me amped up. And uh, so religion, getting back to the story. Uh so yeah, little Joel uh had to do a lot of religious stuff as a child. So I went to Caravan, if some of you guys are familiar with that. So Caravan was kind of like religious Boy Scouts in a way. Girl Scouts, girls could be included, right? They wanted anybody in caravan, you know. And the whole idea of Caravan was to do more church. So you went and you learned these lessons, but a lot of them weren't specific to church. Some were like hiking or camping or learning how to make a fire or you know, playing an instrument, or um I remember a lot of nature themed ones, and I always liked those. I always thought those were fun. And you know, I think we did archery, and I think there might have been a horseback one, I don't know. Horses kind of freaked me out, so I didn't really ride horses, or maybe they did, and that's why I don't ride horses. Maybe I had a bad horse experience. Anyway, um, but yeah, so I I did I did caravan at the church that I attended in town, and I did that for many years. I got a sash, you know, you get like these sash things, and then you get badges. So you you show up and you you do the thing, you get a badge, somebody in your family sews on the badge to the sash, and then I remember parading around and being like, look at all my badges, right? And you're just this this awesome little caravaner because you've got all these badges. So you got a sash, and I think there was a time where you got like a like a scarf or something. I don't I don't even know how to describe it. It's kind of a weird thing, but I remember having all these badges and earning all these things, right? There's a lot of like Bible verse memorization, and I don't remember any of that stuff now, and uh some of it I do, it's it's just burned in there, right? Um, but I attended a caravan here at my church. I attended Sunday school, I attended church, and then if it wasn't bad enough, I also attended my cousins' church. My cousins went to the same church for a while, and then they were like, we don't like whatever's going on here. So they went to another Nazarene church in a nearby town, and then I attended that caravan as well because I I didn't I didn't get enough, right? I I wanted all the badges, you know. I was a badge collector and did that for a while, and it was alright, I guess. You know, it was what it was. I didn't even know any better, you know. I was just dragged along, it's like, well, it's Wednesday night or whatever, you're going to caravan. So we did, oh my gosh, thinking about it. So Sunday we had church, Sunday school we had church, we had caravan, we had Wednesday night church, we had caravan. I feel like we did caravan on like Saturday nights, maybe Sunday nights, I don't remember. Um, it gets a little fuzzy, but we just did an excessive amount of it. So, okay, so that's all crazy. Then in the third grade, um, because I had ADHD, okay, and my parents at the time were like, we can't handle you just talking in class. You're you're I was bored, right? I I I I would get things done and I would just I would be distracted, right? So I would want to talk to my my classmates, you know, it's a socializing child growing up in the 90s. Uh that's just what we did, right? That's just what I did anyway, and I like to talk. So obviously I got in trouble for talking and being disruptive in class quite a bit. So I was tested for ADHD. I went down to Columbus, Ohio, and I met with this psychologist, and they gave me all these tests, right? And a lot of more timed tests, and I I didn't like time tests at all. So I was like, great, now it's like like this test really matters for something, and I have to like perform and I have to do all this stuff. Ah. Timed math is terrible, terrifying even. And then I had to, I remember I had to do this. Um, you guys remember that toy where it had shapes and there was holes in the toy, it was like a circle, and you had to like match the shapes, right? Well, I had to do that as a time test multiple times, and anyway, we got diagnosed with ADHD, and I was maybe like seven, eight years old from my memory. I don't remember. I don't even know, right? Time's kind of a little weird thing with ADHD, right? I just remember being a young youngster going down to Columbus, doing these crazy tests, and then having to do this. Well, anyway, that ended up having me having to go to a a Catholic school, okay? So Catholic school equals more one-on-one time because it was a smaller classroom, more focused. So my parents thought it was a good idea. But ultimately, it was my choice. And I will have to say that I was tricked, tricked into going to Catholic school because uh, well, first of all, I actually chose to go to Catholic school because they had one more recess than the public school kids got. So I was like, oh, cool, more recess time, more fun, right? More time outside the classroom, being able to talk. Anyway, uh, that was my my consideration. But I was tricked because I asked as a youngster, I was very interested in a lot of cool things, one of them being science. And I asked, I was like, I had this sweet little nun lady as a principal, uh, sister Adele Adiller? Sister Adiller, anyway, sweet lady, the nicest principal I have ever had. And I was a little Hellion. And anyway, um, so I asked her, I was like, Sister, like, do you like what what's what do you guys have here? You know, what are the amenities of the school as a a youngster trying to evaluate my economic or uh my educational decisions and uh academic, there we go. That's the word I was looking for. And she was like, Yeah, we have a uh a laboratory. And I was like, a laboratory? How exciting, you know? The school that I was going to, they didn't have a laboratory in the third grade. Like, I get a mix some potions, come on, and I was so excited, and it turns out what she said to me was a lavatory, which is, if you don't know, a bathroom. So cool, okay. You allow your students to go to the bathroom while they're at school. Cool. I wish I would have understood that instead of been like, yes, extra recess, a laboratory, I'm gonna do science, and no. I was, you know, first day of school, I was like, where's the lab? And they're like, uh, you mean the lavatory? And I was like, okay. They're like, here is where you go potty. And I was like, uh, I was tripped, bamboozled as a youngster. Anyway, so I had to go to Catholic school. So we're in Catholic school. Now, I attended Catholic school uh from third grade until seventh grade, and it was awkward because the classes were together. So third and fourth grade was together, and fifth and sixth grade were together. How awkward, right? We had the same teacher, okay? It was it was really strange. We had probably, I don't know, 12, 13, 14 kids in each class, right? Like together. So like half of them were in third grade, half of them were in fourth grade, half were in fifth grade, half were in sixth grade. And thinking about that, it's like, how in the world did you teach that curriculum? But it kind of makes sense because of the the reinforcement, right? So when we reinforce an idea or a concept, it grows, right? And it builds and it creates more synapses in our brain, and that's how we become more intelligent, which actually paid off in the end because when I went to seventh grade, I was smarter than all the seventh graders, and that's when I found out that it's not good to be a know-it-all. Anyway, that's another story. But uh getting back into the religion piece. So every single Friday, while I was uh and I and just for context, everyone, I was still attending church while I was still going to Catholic school. So imagine the concepts getting all scrambled around in my brain, right? And I found out that Catholics have like this other Bible, and like there's more chapter chapters and stuff like that, and there's a lot more involvement with it. And they had some creepy stuff in the the Catholic Bible, and I was like, whoa, this is weird. And anyway, every Friday we had to go to Mass, okay? And it mass at that time it's it I think it lasted an hour, but it felt like two, right? And when you're a youngster and you're like, oh my gosh, I'm so bored of being here, uh, being in mass is just kind of the worst thing ever. And you know, I understand the reverie and the respect and all the good stuff, right? Uh about it, but it was just awful for me, okay. And I I would do a lot of weird things, like I would count. Um, either uh they had they had beautiful stained glass windows. It was a beautiful church, really, architecturally speaking. And they had all these beautiful things and all this stuff. So I would like count different things, or I would like really dial into a lot of the detail. I really could care less about what the heck they were saying and you know, the lessons and stuff like that. Like it just it just was not relevant. I didn't care. I was just I felt like my time was being absolutely wasted while I was doing this, but I was forced into it. Like I couldn't just stay at school and be like, no, teacher, I'm just gonna stay here and learn. They're like, no, you have to go to mass and you have to participate. But the thing was, and I was heavily shamed, right? They talk about Catholic shame, and you know, as a non-Catholic in a Catholic school going to Catholic Mass, I was shamed. And that's even kind of hard to say, and even harder to talk about because icky, right? Icky, icky, weird. And so there was so I was never allowed to take communion. Okay, I remember going to third grade and having the teacher, uh, Mrs. Green, talk to me about communion, and I was like, oh yeah, you you take the bread, you eat the bread, and then you drink the blood of Christ. And she kind of like, you know, I I was right, but she kind of looked at me and gave me this funny look, and she's like, you know, Joel, I think it's best if you sit out on communion. And I was like, cool, I don't really want to take it anyway, you know what I mean? And uh anyway, so um through from third grade until seventh grade, until well, sixth grade, uh, sorry, in seventh grade I went back into public school. That's a story for another time, but um, so from third grade until sixth grade, I had to sit every Friday out of mass. So while everyone, right, all the students, all of the classmates, right, from all of the grades lined up to take their lovely little communion, uh, cult juice, cult, cult bread, anyway, uh, weird stuff. And while while they were doing this, um, I had to sit there. You know, I was forced to sit there. Uh thankfully there was another uh heathen in my my class. Um, this this kid was a weirdo more than I'm a weirdo, right? That's that's saying a lot because I'm kind of strange, but now looking back, I'm like, man, you weren't an outcast too. My heart goes out to you, brother man. And anyway, so me and this other kid had to, there might have been a couple other young younger ones, but I remember him and I were the only ones that were really sitting there, just kind of like looking around, like our, you know, kind of glazed over, and we're like, oh man, everybody's like sipping this wine, they're all getting a little little pre-lunch buzz going on here, and like, you know, eating Christ crackers. Um and if that's offensive, then like I said before, I I can push a button or two. And I want to because that's the thing, right? I want this to be raw Joel, not like, oh, oh, I want to step-step, you know, uh tippy toe around people. Anyway, anyway. Um, so yeah, so we had to do that. And then during Lenten season, which you know we're coming out of right now, so it's a popular thing. Anyway, during Lent, we also had to do Benediction, we had to do Stations of the Cross, and we also had to do um Oh goodness, it took forever. I can't think of the actual name of it now, but we basically had to do the entire rosary, okay? And if you're if you're unfamiliar with this, it's a lot of prayers and a lot of things like that, and it just takes up a lot of time. So I want to say, like the first Friday or something, I it feels more regular than I am thinking of it, but it was often, quite often, we would have to do all these things, right? So, like Fridays were completely shocked. I want to say it was almost every Friday, and it was like this just this traditional thing. And I I I I really don't understand how the state even got away with it. You know, that's why it's private, probably, because you know, they don't have to do a lot of the same things that state people do. I don't, I don't even know the logistics, right? That's why I'm not in education, but um, it was awful, it was it was a hard time, you know, just doing all this stuff, you know, kind of going with emotions and stuff, and then at the same time also doing my own Christian religion stuff, and you know, there was some conflict and stuff like that. So I guess I was in a lot of conflict when I was a younger man. And yeah, this is gonna be a little bit longer of a podcast. I just realized I hit 20 minutes, so but this is a story, right? This is the religion story of Joel. So it and it continues, so we're gonna keep on going. So, so yeah, so I went to Catholic school and you know, did the fish fry thing and like did all this stuff, and there's there's all these weird little traumatic things that pop up from that, and you know, it was weird, you know, but I and I wasn't allowed to participate in a lot of things that some of my classmates did, right? So I was never like an altar boy and stuff like that, you know. I was just kind of like told, like, you can't really participate in this because you're not one of us, you know, google gobble, google, gobble, right? If you're familiar with that reference, one of us, one of us. Anyway, Todd Browning's freaks. Um, anyway, getting back at it. So we did all this stuff, and I it turns out, you know, there was a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes, you know, as they say within Catholic school, uh Catholic churches and stuff like that, priests, you know, and the creepy things that they did. That was actually happening in my school. I have one of my best friends from that time, he were recently, not too long ago, told me about instances happening with it with a priest, and I was like, what that happened? That actually happened in our school, and you know, it's it's a big thing, but that's his story, and um, that's that's what it is. And I had no idea, you know, no idea. And um, anyway, Catholic, Catholic stuff. And you know, I I there were good parts too, you know, it wasn't just all bad, you know, there's a lot of really good memories. I did a lot of really cool reports, and like I said, the education was actually amazing. And when I came back to the public school in the seventh grade, I just knew answers, and I knew things that they were they were just now going over, and those good. Ubers were making fun of me for knowing everything, and I had already learned it, right? I specifically remember the Shiites and the Shunis in ancient Mesopotamia and learning about all that stuff, and they're like, they were looking at me like I'm the weirdo, but I'm like, you guys don't know this stuff? This was like fifth grade, like, come on. Anyway, anyway, getting back to the religious piece. So after Catholic school, then I went back into right, so I'm getting a little older. So then I went back into um, and my at the that time my parents had changed churches. I was no longer part of the Nazarene. We went to another local church, and um, it was it was probably easier. And my my parents rose up in that church, you know, and my parents are still heavily involved in that church, you know. Now they're elders in that church, um, they do a lot of stuff with the board. Uh my mom leads church services, my dad's still a Sunday school teacher, I think. And um, yeah, so they're still still really involved in that. And then when I was in youth group, you know, I was heavily involved in that stuff too. And I went on, you know, youth group trips and things like that. Uh, there was a time where um for youth for Christ, you know, I I didn't believe in any of that stuff. You know, I always questioned things very early on, and elders in the church could not answer my questions. That's how I knew it was a load of crap because these people who literally study this stuff are just like, well, we don't really have an idea. You just it's just blind faith. It's like, okay, you just you just you know take the facts and you ignore any real reality, okay? Anyway, anyway. So, uh, I always questioned all that stuff, so I really didn't believe in it. But there was a point in time where the Youth for Christ, you know, they're this organization heavily involved with the lives of kids, they were like, Oh, do you want to go to Washington, DC to like go on this trip? You know, this is this was later in life. I I don't even remember how old I was, but I was old enough to know things and old enough to get into mischief. I was always getting into mischief, and uh the church people didn't like it because like I knew I knew I knew things, right? It's like it's like I've been here before, you know what I mean? And I'm like, oh gosh, this old game. And uh uh so anyway, I I got an opportunity to go to Washington DC, and I went simply because I love Washington, DC. I went, you know, when I was a eighth grader, ninth grader, ninth grader maybe, uh, in high school, and we did like a you know, like a class trip to Washington, DC. I love Washington, D.C. I think it's a beautiful city, you know, there's a rich history there. It's awesome. So when I got the opportunity to go with these this religious group, I was like, heck yeah, let's go. And anyway, the the real reason I wanted to go was just because of a girl. And hee hee! Uh, and that was that was a cool experience. We ended up getting lost, this girl and I, uh, which is crazy thinking about it now. We ended up getting lost and separated from our group, and we were there for the like the 4th of July or something. So I remember we were like on the the steps of the and I might be getting a story mixed up. I don't even know, you know, timelines are weird, but I've I I think we were on the steps of the Capitol watching the Fourth of July fireworks. It was awesome, and then in all the hubbub, her and I got separated, and we knew a little bit about things, and I knew kind of I I for some reason I had street smarts back then. So anyway, I asked a bum, you know, where things were, and you know, who would know things better than a bum who lives on the streets of Washington, DC about how to get to different places? And I knew where landmarks were and stuff like that. So I was able to navigate us back to the hotel. We weren't really scared, we were just kind of like a couple like little badasses just out there being like, yeah, we're all we're in Washington, DC, having this adventure. And we found out that everyone else from our hotel room went out to eat and all this stuff. Well, we went back to the hotel and hung out, and we we had a we you know, it was a good time. And uh anyway, that's so funny. And uh they they ended up coming back and they're like, Oh yeah, what'd you guys do? And we just hung out in the lobby and you know, just had some fun. Just chilling, getting to know each other anyway anyway. It was a fun trip, and there's like all this religious stuff. Anyway, anyway, anyway. Um, so anyway, getting back to the cat the Christian stuff and all this stuff, right? So very involved in youth group, and I remember having a really uh like another female friend who was involved with all this stuff, and I remember there was you know, church church folks have this weird way of like making you feel, you know, like a weird way. I don't even know how to how to say it, but it's like shameful, right? And there were these rumors that would come up about like this my friend and I like doing things that were, you know, not so churchy, uh, in the youth group room and all this stuff, and it was just this crazy thing. And you know, all these rumors got spread, and all this we were just buds, right? We were just friends hanging out, nothing even remotely happened, and all this stuff happened, right? All this drama, all this stuff. And you know, I I I did all I was involved in the church and I was helping with different things. So one of the things that I loved about church was um I I I ran the sound, I ran the sound equipment because I like that stuff, right? And I ran it for a long time, and that's the only reason at the end why I was actually attending church. And I went to church camp and you know, I I had my first kiss at church camp, you know, and um I got to meet mingle with girls. You know, this is when I was like in the ninth grade, so I don't I don't even know. Maybe maybe that was after the the Washington DC thing was afterwards. I don't know. I feel like I was like, you know, old enough to like I feel like I was 18 at least, you know. I don't know. Anyway, um, you know, did all the church camp stuff and broke my heart at church camp. You know, I I met a girl at one year at church camp, the next year at church camp, she broke my heart. You know, the whole old story, you know, you you give yourself up for Christ, you know, you want to do all these cool things, and I don't know, it's just so weird. Um but basically I was always put into a box and I was always told you have to believe this, you have to do this, you have to do that, and it just never felt super great to me. And uh, you know, you know, all these uh um all the I'm sorry, all these things are like coming up to me that I'm remembering right now that's like whoa, that was that was weird. Um, but it ended up, you know, what ended up getting me out of church, out of the situation, right? And I was I was 18 and I don't I don't even I can't even think of with you know maybe I was 17 when I was going to that um Washington DC thing. I don't know. I remember just being kind of a little badass and thinking how cool that was that I was like walk meandering around Washington DC. Anyway, let's move away from that. Um but what actually got me out of church was there were uh at the time during high school, so yeah, I would have been, you know, well, I probably would have been 16, 16, 17. Gosh, timelines. Anyway, there was a point in time where I was offered a position to work Sunday mornings at our local grocery store. I was a carryout for four years during high school, and somewhere along the lines, I got offered a the position of 7 a.m. carry out on a Sunday morning. I work 7 to noon. Perfect, perfect. So I was like, yes, I'll do that. I will jump on this, I will work 7 a.m. I do not even care. And I loved it. I loved it, you know. I uh there's a whole different vibe in a grocery store at 7 a.m. on a Sunday morning. You know, the the people are bringing in bread, the bread smells good, you know. We've got some donuts being made in the bakery back then. Like it was a good time to be a carryout, you know, and I loved being a carry-out. I'm gonna have to, I'll have to have a whole episode on being a carry-out because that that was some fun times. Uh for four years I did that and I loved it. But anyway, um, getting back to the religion stuff, okay. My town is heavily, heavily involved with a lot of religious stuff. You know, religion, um, you know, I I see it everywhere. You know, I see it in business marketing. You know, there's a lot of people who are like building businesses around here based upon, you know, Jesus and the community and all this stuff. And, you know, while that's all well and good, I I feel like, you know, and I feel like I've, you know, this is why I believe in past lives so much, is because even since a youngster, I've always kind of felt there is more to it beyond religion. And I look at religion like sports. You know, you're either into it or you're not. And thankfully, I'm not into religion or sports, so I have a lot of mind space for other fun things, you know, other cool things. So I, in my later years, have more developed a relationship within spirituality, you know, understanding how the world works, understanding, you know, we're we're a lot, you know, we have Christ consciousness inside of us, you know, we are Christs, okay. The church, I feel, does a really cool job about pulling that apart and separating you from the power of Christ, right? Having the your own wisdom, your own understanding. And that's why I like doing body work with people because we work with your own understanding, your own identity, right? Excuse me. And it's tricky, you know, I and I see this, I see this a lot with a lot of my friends who are very involved in their own religious community. You know, there's a lot of shame, there's a lot of guilt. You know, they work through a lot of things, and and you know, within within Christian stuff, you know, even within Catholic stuff, I'm sure, but within Christian stuff, there's this idea that you have to be saved, right? That you have to be more than what you are now because you you need to earn your spot in heaven, right? So you want to, you, you want to show up, and you want to be um, you know, you want to do good, right? And people, you know, there's there's a morality, right? Which is good, you know, it's good to stay on a good side of morality, right? Do no harm, you know, don't kill, you know, don't, you know, you know, it's it's it's okay to some of the commandments are good, right? Some of them are good in a way, you know, but I don't know. The the church has this modicum of control. And they they keep you in a box, they keep you down, you know. And but if you if you know, I don't I don't know, it's it's so hard. I think if you if you realize that we're more powerful than what a church gives you, right? And and you can you can understand how how you are amazing, you are confident, you are, you know, you have this this wealth of information inside you, you know. Uh the the church does a really good job of taking that out and they they want to keep you down. Some some you know some churches vary, you know. There's there's churches, new age churches that have like all this fun music and they're engaging and they they have like more open conversations about things and they're not so closed. You know, I've gone to extremely closed services before, you know, to churches that are very cult-like and very um like like the wife must be her heavenly man, you know, it's it's God, it's man, it's children, and then somewhere down below it's women, you know, and ugh. Uh just a weird, weird patriarchal, ugh, right? And it's it's ugh. Um I I'm not a big fan of that. You know, I think I think we all contribute to society. I think we all can be as a collective of amazing people, right? Unique souls. I think, I think we're and we're I think that we're also getting to a tipping point right now in our consciousness, our collective consciousness, where we're a lot of people are realizing, hey, you know, I don't have to sit and I don't have to listen to this guy because this guy is just a man, a human, right, who's just kind of on a little bit of an egotistical role, you know. And you know, uh pre pastors, preachers, priests, right, they all have, you know, their own struggles, right? They have their own stuff, right? But a lot of them are like this, these holier than thou kind of mentality, and like, oh, Reverend, you know, and you know, there is there is a level of respect, is just another human. But then when you when you put a pastor, priest, or preacher up on a pulpit, and you, you know, it's like, okay, like they're they're the divine one and all this stuff, right? It takes away from your own divinity, right? And we all have our own divinity, we all have our own sovereignty, and I I think, I think, you know, even if you look at history, you know, throughout time, a lot of war and a lot of, you know, even right now, you know, this is super relevant right now in 2026, where we are right now, uh, because there's there's all these like religious ideas of like critting Armageddon and stuff and all this these things, and it gets heavy, you know, and it it worries a lot of people because there's people out there who are doing just terrible things right now, harming other humans, you know, having total disregard of life based upon religious ideologies, and like, oh well, because because you know, we need Christ right now, we're gonna do these terrible things. Well, you know what? Christ is inside of us. So if you pull that that idea and that concept apart, and you're like, oh yeah, Christ is gonna come save us, like we're gonna do these terrible things because we need Christ now, it's like, no, you're just harming other people in the name of something, you know, that you believe in that you've created, you know what I mean? All of these stories. And when you when you do that, you know, it's it's hard because you know, our our world, our globe, has different religions, right? Different beliefs, different things like that. So if you're like, my religion's right, your religion's wrong, and because your religion's wrong, I'm going to destroy you, uh, that's icky, right? And even on the reverse side, you know, I I don't even know. I'm not very familiar with a lot of like, you know, other cultures, religions because I've only had my perspective, you know? And that's why I want to share this stuff because I think it's super important to talk about, and I think it's very important to for me to talk about, right? Because it is my past, you know, it's it's the conditions that I live and things that I'm like learning to chip away at so that way I can become a better practitioner and a better person. And I don't know why, right? I I just feel like there's a need for me to talk about it and a need for me to push through that. You know, I do see some clients, and when I'm doing somatic work with people, somatoemotional release work and guided imagery with people, one of the things that I like to work with is bringing in a guide, okay, bringing in like an entity or something that maybe knows what's going on within the body. And uh when I do that in this area, something that a lot of people bring up is either the Holy Spirit or God or Jesus, okay. And I like it when people bring those those uh oh deities into a session because you know a lot of people are under the understanding that God is infallible or that you know his word is true, this and that. So, so if I'm talking to God and I'm like, okay, you know, what does God have to say about your hip? You know, what does God need you to know about your hip right now? And when I when I'm doing this work with people and we we can discover that, it's great because oftentimes they're like, Whoa, well, God's telling me this, you know. Some people are really cool about it, and some people are like, oh yeah, cool, let's dive in. Other people, uh, I had a uh a client not too long ago bring up the Holy Spirit. And they're like, Well, let's talk to the Holy Spirit. Okay, cool, awesome. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for coming into our session. You know, let's let's start let's dialogue with the Holy Spirit. And they're like, Well, that's weird. I don't want to do that, you know? And it's like, okay, well, don't you already have a personal relationship with Jesus or with the Holy Spirit? You know, you believe in that, so how weird is it to, you know, if you pray to that deity, how weird is it to actually have a conversation with that deity and bring them into understanding what's going on inside your body? And you know, that they just kind of shut down a little bit and they're like, well, I don't know, this this seems weird, Joel. It kind of seems like witchcraft or something, you know, and I I get that a lot about what I do. Um, you know, with my my old business name, Holistic Wizard Wellness, a lot of people in this area couldn't get past Wizard, right? They can't see, oh, he's a he's a knowledge keeper, he's someone who has some kind of a uh, you know, a bit of knowledge about him, like I said, who can help me, you know. Oh, it's a it's a holistic wellness office, and wizards are his theme. I get it, cool, have fun, right? That would be the cool thing. But instead, I was faced with a lot of people who are like, Wizard, ew, I don't want to go to a wizard. It's like, okay, well, I'm a licensed massage therapist, you know, I I help people in a clinical way to get through pain and stress. But a lot of them, they were like blindsided because my my logo was so awesome. I love my graph, my graphic designer. Huge shout out to Ashton. Um, you're awesome wherever you're at. And uh so she created me this this cool logo, and it had a wizard's hat, and it had a W and it had some stars, and it's just beautiful. It had a gateway around it, like a portal. Ugh it's perfect. And anyway, it was met with a lot of resistance because of the real the area that I live in, right? It's a very small farmtown rural community, and they're like, we don't like wizards around here, you know. So I I have this mentality and this thing that I've been working through. It's like, well, if you don't accept that, then you don't accept me, right? That's hard, right? And then that triggers a lot of the old old triggers that I've had about being like not accepted as a uh individual because of my beliefs, my own philosophies, my own understanding of the world. And then there's like this ugh, you know. So I've been triggered from that the last three years, and then in the last more recent year, the June of this last year, I rebranded to Fields Mind Body Therapies because it's a lot more simple and it tells people exactly what I do. So that's why I changed my name, but it also still hurts, right? I don't talk about the hurt that you know it's like, okay, well, I'm not accepted, right? So I've been dealing with my own mental struggle about being accepted where I've lived my last, you know, 38 years of life, and or 37. There was a year that I lived in Denver, Colorado, and that was the best year of my life. I'll talk about that sometime. But uh yeah. Anyway, I'm gonna bring this whole episode to a little bit of a close because 40 minutes is kind of wild because I I initially set out for these to be shorter episodes, and like I said, this is just my creative outlet. So I did definitely want to dive into the religious topic. I wanted to talk about it because it's something that's been weighing on my mind, on my shoulders, on my plate. And I'm in a space where I want to walk away from some of that stuff, I want to move forward. And, you know, maybe there's somebody else out there listening to this right now that's like, you know, I've been pigeonholed by religion, by my family, by, you know, people that I look up to for support. And I've been put in this box, and it's because of religion. And maybe you can vibe, maybe you're like, yeah, Joel, I get it. I've been there, you know. I had to suffer through religious school as well. Or, you know, I remember having to sit in church and I remember counting the number of like boards that make up the roof, or you know, I remember not feeling important enough to people because you know, you you just have a different idea and understanding about the world, right? So if this resonates with you guys, if you vibe with it, you know, I don't know, reach out and say, Hey, I get it, Joel. I totally get it. I'm with you, bud, you know, I don't know. And if not, and if you're like you're full of craziness and I love Jesus and um all the good stuff, you know, that's fine if you do. You know, I'm I'm not I don't want to judge you if you do. Um, but you know, I I think due to due to just my experience that I am quick to judge other people for that stuff. So I I don't know. I I apologize to anybody who maybe I did offend. Maybe you're like, oh wow, this is what you talk about on your podcast. Anyway, uh I'm gonna end this and thank you guys for joining me. I really appreciate it. Anyone who does listen to this, anybody who stays to the end, because you know that it's important to me, you know, and I'm just putting out content and I just want to create and use my voice to articulate the things that I feel. So, anyway, this is episode three, guys. So I hope you enjoy it and continue on for the journey. Take care and have a wonderful day. Bye.