Grief and the Emotional Brain

Grief is not just an emotional experience—it is also neurological.

In this episode of Hope After Loss, Marilyn Burns, M.S., L.P.C.C., explores how the emotional brain responds to grief and loss, and why so many people experience overwhelming thoughts, anxiety, and emotional distress during the grieving process.

This episode gently explains:

– Why your thoughts may feel out of control after loss
 – How the emotional brain processes grief
 – The connection between grief, anxiety, and chronic stress
 – Why you are not “losing your mind,” even when it feels that way

Whether you are experiencing recent loss, anticipatory grief, or ongoing emotional pain, this conversation offers understanding, validation, and hope.

If you are struggling with grief, anxiety, or the emotional impact of losing someone you love, you are not alone—and what you are experiencing makes sense.

Thank you for listening to Hope After Loss: Conversations on Grief.

If this episode spoke to you, please consider sharing it with someone who may need support. 

This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health treatment. 

If you have a question or a topic that you would like me to gently explore,
 you’re welcome to email me at [your email].

While I’m not able to provide individual counseling through email,
 I would be honored to hold your question and possibly share it in a future episode
 so others may feel less alone.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to Hope After Loss Conversations on Grief. I'm Marilyn Burns. In our last episode, I shared a little about my story, about my son Chris, and what brought me here. Today, I want to talk about something that many people experience in grief but don't always understand. And that is what is happening in our emotional brain. Mental health calls that the amygdala. And if you want to shorten it, Amy. When we experience a profound loss, our brain is not just grieving, it is trying to protect us. And that's really important to remember. And we'll talk a little more about that. Sometimes the very system designed to keep us safe can make us feel like we are falling apart. We're not only dealing with the issues that are going on in our life, but we're also having to micromanage all of the thoughts that at times can paralyze us. Grief can feel overwhelming, confusing, even frightening. Many people tell me in my practice they feel like they've lost themselves or they are losing themselves. And in many ways, that's exactly what it feels like. And as I said, you're not just dealing with what's going on on a day-to-day basis, which means you're living a pretty unstable existence at that point in time, but you're also dealing with these very intrusive rewind, replay, repetitive thoughts that are very, very, very disturbing. There is a part of our brain, the emotional brain, that's Amy, that scans for danger. When it senses that something overwhelming, it goes into protection mode. And I'm telling you, we've got to be very, very mindful of this because it's happening more than you realize. Your anxiety level, no doubt, is going to increase. How could it not? You're scared, you're worried, you're fearful of what's going to happen next. You're afraid you're going to get the call. There's so much going on, and it's all going on at once, and your mind is racing with it. It's like a racehorse, you know. You can't slow it down. Now, when that happens, guess what? The amygdala gets triggered. It starts to heat up. And when it does, it's going to send all kinds of thoughts and messages to you to consider. Not because it's trying to destroy you. It wouldn't be a part of our system if it was intended to do that. But I do believe that it's trying to communicate in the only way that it can, and that is through its thoughts. And the thoughts are going to be pretty negative. Loss feels a lot like danger to the brain. It feels like something is terribly wrong because something deeply meaningful is gone and we're losing control by the minute. At least we feel that way. So when this emotional brain heats up, it sends us all these thoughts, this flooding of thoughts, repetitive thoughts, intrusive thoughts, dark thoughts, thoughts that'll keep us up at night, thoughts that'll get in our way during the day. When we are not very productive, here come the thoughts. When we're trying to be productive, the thoughts will pull us away. This is something that we really need to understand so that we can get some control of the madness. These thoughts are going to say, I can't do this, I won't survive this. This pain will never end. What is wrong with him? Why can't he get control of his life? I should have never had kids. Why did I even get married? It just goes on and on and on. But I want you to hear something, and it's so important. We are not our thoughts. But when we react to them, what happens next? They become real because now the central nervous system has clocked in on them. Now your stomach's upset. Now you have a headache. Now your muscles are tense. Now you have diarrhea. Now you can't remember anything. It just becomes a nightmare. But we have to remember, just to save ourselves, that we are not our thoughts. We are bigger than this. Our thoughts have no idea of knowing are we truly in danger? They have no sense of timing. And so when we start registering some high levels of anxiety or grief, they will start and they believe they're coming to our rescue. And that's our amygdala, that's our Amy. But the interesting thing about it is that when that emotional brain heats up, the part of the brain that's really important so that we can change how we feel by looking at options, by bringing options into our awareness, by saying it'll be okay. If this happens, I'll call this person, so on and so forth, our problem-solving mechanism. It's offline, it goes to sleep. And so, what are we stuck with? But these repetitive, intrusive thoughts that are very disturbing. And you have to remember that these thoughts are coming from your brain that's trying to protect you, not from your strength and not from the truth. So when we go into shock, okay, our senses can shut down. And why a lot of it is we're listening to these overwhelming thoughts, and we just get paralyzed in the moment. I remember a really special moment in time, and it was oh, shortly after, I guess, my son Chris passed away, and I was completely oblivious to the things around me. And why? Because I was in my head, I was listening to my thoughts, I was grieving heavily, and my brain was trying to help me out. But I remember a moment. I was walking up the stairs in my home, and my son and I lived in this home together at the end of his life, and suddenly it was the first time ever that I felt the coolness of the carpet under my feet. It was spring, and I just remember walking up a step and feeling it for the first time since I was going through all this trauma. And I looked down at my foot, and there was a footprint because my carpet was thick, but I felt the coolness, and I also felt my foot leave a print, and I could see that my foot left a print. And as I was walking up the steps, I was feeling every sensation below my foot, and actually it made me cry. It was the first time that I felt like myself, like I was present. And you know, when we are present, we do have everything that we need in order to feel better, and there was a good example. Now, in all reality, I mean, I wasn't getting my son back, and there was no changing any of that, but in the moment, I felt the comfort of the coolness of my carpet under my feet, and I realized that I had clocked back into life again, and I couldn't believe it. It really touched me by the time I got to the top of the steps. I also noticed, just because as you get to the top of my stairs, there's a bathroom right in front, and I noticed the sun coming in the bathroom window, and I thought, wow, you know, it's really a nice day out there. Look at the sun, it's so bright. And I walked over and I looked through the window, and everything looked so vibrant, and I just felt like I was saved from this dark, dark place that I was existing in. If you're listening right now, I want you to pause for just a moment. Because if your sensory system has really shut down, if it's taking a break, maybe you can help to awaken it somehow, if you're willing. But what do you see around you? Look around. And you might want to do a simple exercise like looking around, say you're outside. How many cars are in the driveways? How many are red? How many SUVs can you count? Can you count the kids that are walking? Or how many are on a bike? And what do you hear? Let's try and see if we can awaken that. Can you hear the dogs barking? How about traffic? How about the cars just driving by? How about people talking? How about saws? How about lawn mowers? Listen, there are things going on around you. Try to pay attention to them. Just stop long enough to hear these things. Now let's try to awaken some feelings. What does the air feel like on your skin? Is it cool? Does it feel a little breezy to you? Is it warm? Feel it. Feel it. This is all happening around you. And if you are not aware of these things, you are in your amygdala listening to your thoughts. But your sensory system, your senses, what you hear, what you smell, what you taste, what you see, so on. These can guide you back to yourself. And that's really very reassuring, in my opinion. You know, grief is not just the loss of someone we love. It's the loss of who we were when they were here. But slowly and gently we begin to find ourselves again. It does happen, I can assure you, it has happened to me. We're not the same, but we're still whole and we're still capable of recognizing that there are some very helpful things around us, even though, even though we've experienced a trauma, this food sure can taste good. This rain sure smells good. It sure feels good when it hits my skin. I love the sound of the birds, the kids running laughing. It's just a neat, neat thing that we have built in. But your thoughts will keep you from realizing this. Your thoughts will pull you away, they will distract you. But you are stronger than those thoughts, and you are not alone, we're all in this together. This is hope after loss, and I'm so glad you're here. I hope to talk to you soon.