Finding Your Way Through the Darkness of Grief

Grief can feel like darkness—quiet, heavy, and hard to move through.

In this episode, Marilyn gently explores what it means to live in that darkness, and how we begin, slowly and softly, to find our way again.

When we are grieving, it’s common to feel lost, disconnected, and unsure of who we are or how to move forward. This isn’t weakness—it’s the mind and body trying to cope with something overwhelming.

Through both personal experience and professional insight, Marilyn offers a compassionate perspective on grief and reminds us that we don’t have to find our way all at once.

Sometimes… it begins with one small step.

If you are moving through the darkness of grief, this episode is a gentle place to pause, breathe, and remember—you are not alone.

This is Hope After Loss — gentle conversations for grieving hearts.

Thank you for listening to Hope After Loss: Conversations on Grief.

If this episode spoke to you, please consider sharing it with someone who may need support. 

This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health treatment. 

If you have a question or a topic that you would like me to gently explore,
 you’re welcome to email me at [your email].

While I’m not able to provide individual counseling through email,
 I would be honored to hold your question and possibly share it in a future episode
 so others may feel less alone.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to Hope After Loss. I'm Marilyn, and today I want to talk about something many people quietly struggle with in grief. And that is how do we begin to find our way when everything feels and looks so dark? Over this past weekend, it was the anniversary of my son's death, and he's been gone for 19 years. And I didn't associate how I was going to be able to get through all of that, that dark place in that hospital room on that day, because I was just broken in so many pieces. I didn't even know how to sign my name, believe it or not. But I do remember when I was asked to come into the room because Chris had taken his last breath, as I was walking into the room before I even laid eyes on my son, I noticed that the sun was setting. And that was how I knew that he was at peace. Because when I looked down at him, I saw the little boy that was just sleeping. And I knew that my son was finally out of all of this pain and suffering that he had been living with. No one can take those memories and that passed away from us. And when we are ready, we need to look around and open our eyes to how our world has changed. Because this is our new normal. Our sleep patterns, our eating patterns, the way we dress, the way we wear our hair. Everything can really shift as we are looking around at this new world. Colors look different, sounds are different. So we've got to be aware of the fact that there's a lot going on. And where it gets dark is oftentimes when we look out and we can't see anything that we can connect with. But it's there. We have to embrace and accept the fact that when we're looking around, if there is a split second, just a second, where something grabs our attention, like a puppy, or the wind, or the rain, or the smell of the fresh grass, we are coming out of that dark place. And that's the evidence of it. I was most concerned after I lost my boy about not being able to hear or smell or taste. I was playing in a band at the time, and I wasn't able to stay focused in order to create a solid rhythm for the band. And, you know, I noticed as people were living their lives, and I was in survival mode, that there were things that were going on, like people were talking and laughing and eating and drinking and having fun. And it just looked all so foreign to me as I was on the outside looking in. And there's a name for that. You know, we talk about that fight, flight, freeze. It's the freeze, it's the disconnect. It's the dissociation that happens. When we are grieving, it's common to feel lost, disconnected, and unsure of who we are or how to how we're ever going to do any of this. And this isn't a weakness. It's the mind and the body trying to cope with something so overwhelming. We're scrambled, and nothing is as we knew it to be. Right now, I'm sorry, and you are in your head, well, I'm asking you to look around. Do you see anything that grabs your attention? Look at the colors, look at the shapes, look at the people, look at the cars, listen to the sounds. Are there long mowers? Are there are their dogs barking? Are there kids laughing? Are there parents talking? But notice your surroundings. And if something grabs your attention and holds you on it, then there you are. You just broke out of that dark place because you noticed something, it awakened you, and this does happen. We just have to be aware of how it's happening. So, right now, as we talk about this, and what we're talking about is giving ourselves permission to move forward to look for how this new normal is going to work for us. But if that just creates a lot of anxiety for you and fear, try breathing in and holding it. As you breathe in, count to four. Hold your breath to the count of four. And as you breathe out, breathe out as you count to four. Hold and breathe back in. So you breathe in to the count of four. You hold your breath to the count of four. And breathe out to the count of four. Pause and breathe in again. This pathway that might awaken your sensory system, one, the other, all of them, it is going to be a very solid way of you finding your way through the dark. You don't have to become who you were before in order to make this work, because that will be the confusing part. That's where the depression can really become an issue. You have to just slowly gently begin to reconnect with who you are now. And you can do that. If you can't do it in your space, go outside and try and do it. Go to a park and try and do it. Go to a dog park and try and do it. I think it'll be easier in a place like that if you're a dog lover. Your patterns are different now. And you will notice that, and that will take you back to the reminder that something really horrific has happened to you. But notice what you can do instead of what you can't. What you can eat instead of what you can't. What you can drink instead of what you can't. Your digestion will be different, no doubt. Excuse me. So before we close today, I'm asking you to think of one small thing that that might feel just a little supportive right now. But scan your body. Is it the chair you're sitting in? Is it those shoes you just bought? Is it your new pair of jeans that feels comfortable on you? Or your new top? Or the drink that you've been sipping on while we've been talking here. But use your system to figure it out. Is it the song that's playing in the background? You need to find a very small thing that grabs your attention. One thing I do is when I feel trapped in my head, I will clean a mirror. And if I walk in a room where there's a mirror and I spray to clean it, and I'm not mindful of the present, I'm still in my head in the dark place, I will wipe that mirror, think I nailed it, go out of the room, come back in, and I'll see a bunch of streaks. And that's only because I'm not paying attention to detail, because I'm still in that dark place. We have to come out. Now, when you start moving your head back and forth to look at if there are any spots that you need to try to clean again, you're out. You're coming out of that darkness. So what you're learning is putting together the new you in this new space. And whether you're in the darkness or whether you're out for a moment, that's where you are. And that means that there's hope. One little moment that grabs your attention, that holds your attention, tells you that there's hope. And this is hope after loss. If this podcast has been meaningful for you, you're welcome to subscribe to Hope After Loss Marilyn Burns on YouTube for future episodes. And I hope to do this twice a month for all of you. God willing. So today believe that there's hope. Look for evidence of it. It doesn't have to be some major thing. Look for the little small breakthroughs. Talk to you next time.