Who Am I Now? Identity After Loss

Grief doesn't just change our lives--it can change our sense of self.  In this episode of Hope After Loss, Marilyn Burns M.S., L.P.C.C. explores the deep sense of identity loss that often follows grief. When we lose someone we love, we don’t just lose the person — we also lose the parts of self connected to them, the roles we carried, and the life we once knew.

Through compassionate reflection and emotional insight, Marilyn discusses the importance of embracing the changes happening within and around us. Although grief changes us forever, learning to walk through life without our loved one can slowly shape a new version of ourselves — one built from love, resilience, growth, and healing.

This episode is a gentle reminder that becoming “someone new” after loss is not betrayal… it is part of surviving.

grief may quietly reshape who we are becoming.

Thank you for listening to Hope After Loss: Conversations on Grief.

If this episode spoke to you, please consider sharing it with someone who may need support. 

This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health treatment. 

If you have a question or a topic that you would like me to gently explore,
 you’re welcome to email me at [your email].

While I’m not able to provide individual counseling through email,
 I would be honored to hold your question and possibly share it in a future episode
 so others may feel less alone.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome back to Hope After Loss. I'm Marilyn. Today I want to talk about something many people quietly struggle with in grief, and that is how do we begin to find our way when everything feels dark and looks dark? Well, I can segue into this just because this weekend was the anniversary of my son Chris's death, and that was 19 years ago. And I didn't really realize what kind of a gift I got that day that Chris took his last breath. But I did notice for some reason that when I looked over to the window, that the sun was just starting to rise. And the way it came in and hit the room, it just shed a certain kind of calming light and energy that just I feel it saved me in the moment, if that makes any sense. And why I even looked over, I'm not real sure, because I didn't want to take my eyes off my son, not ever. But it just happened that way. Well, this morning when I was taking my walk, I passed a neighbor's home, and their son just passed away. And across the street from that neighbor lives another, and he had to put down his eight-year-old, I think he was a uh boxer, if I'm not mistaken. And it was just that feeling that I had, that nothing was real, a little dissociative, I felt for a second, but what saved me again was the same thing. And that was that I noticed the sun. It was a beautiful morning, and I also smelled the grass that the neighbors had just taken care of their lawns the night before. And there were still some flowers that were blooming since we had a recent frost here, and I noticed all of these things, and I immediately felt very grounded again. And so this is something that we talk about today in this podcast is how are we ever going to walk this walk? How are we ever going to find our way because everything just truly appears so dark? Many clients say to me, I don't know, I can't do this because we aren't just living without someone we love. It's not just that simple. We are battling our recurrent dark thoughts about what our life's gonna be and how we are going to be able to sit in this space and make it work without our loved one. We need help in being mindful of observing our thoughts rather than reacting to them. I say that all the time to my clients. You're gonna have to learn to observe, you have to be willing to look at these thoughts from a distance because believe it or not, they are intended to help. But in the moment, they don't feel very helpful because they're looking for the threat of danger. And so there's going to be a lot of I can't, I don't understand how I can do this, I won't be able to do this. It'll be a lot of that kind of internal dialogue going on. And if we observe it, we can stop from absorbing it. And it's very important that we do this. Grief can feel like total darkness, quiet, it's heavy, and it's hard to move through. And we really are alone in it when we're having one of those spasms. It feels like everyone in the world is living their life, but us. And sometimes in grief, it can feel like the light has totally gone out in the room, not just around you, but even within you. Remember that you're fighting to find your connection with your past. And so when we isolate and when we're sitting in this place all alone, we really aren't alone. We're engaging in a lot of memories that will reenact feelings within us. And that's because we're trying to hang on to our past. We don't want to say goodbye to it the way we've known it to be. But we have to be mindful of finding a new normal. If we can go back to that moment in the hospital when Chris had deceased, and I noticed the sun and how calm I felt, and how supported really I felt. I came right off that edge of the edge, and it didn't take but a moment, and I think that was my higher power or the universe, whatever you want to call it, trying to show me that this will be helpful. Be aware of what's around me, because it's here to help to stabilize me. And that is the truth. If you really pay close attention to it, you might feel all crazy in your mind with thoughts racing, and then suddenly someone might say something, or you might see a puppy, or you might see someone that you know, and then you settle down. There will always be something around us that will be helpful, but we have to be very mindful of what those things are. So this new normal has to really extend across the board. Our sleep patterns will be different, our eating patterns, our ability to learn, to concentrate, to stay focused, all of these things are going to be changing. Our gait changes, our skeleton changes. I would tell others, I'll go, but drive separate. When I know that, especially in the beginning, and I'm sure many of you can relate to this, but when somebody would ask me, please, you know, let's go have dinner, or let me let me pick you up and take you to the mall and just walk around a little bit, I really would have to drive separate because I couldn't really lock in to any particular plans. I didn't know how I would be. And that just seemed to be the new normal for me at that point in time. And I had to embrace it and I had to accept it. That, you know, I if I was going to meet someone at five o'clock, I didn't know how I was going to be at five o'clock. And I would try to explain that to people, that I might have an empty tank by then, and I might not have any energy, motivation, desire to do anything, especially eat. And so I would try to not be upset with myself with what I couldn't do, because again, we have to be aware of what it is that we can do. Our energy comes from what is happening, not what can't happen any longer, at least for now. I never want to say never, because I don't believe in that really. But I was most concerned about not being able to engage in my sensory system. That was such a leverage and a very supportive, helpful pathway for me to get involved in something other than my thoughts. But I would have to be able to hear or smell or taste or feel. And I just couldn't do that. I was in a band at the time, and I remember that, you know, we had to take a break because with me playing the drum or the percussion or keeping the rhythm, I was not able to do that. I just couldn't stay focused enough. Sometimes my thoughts would be so strong, they would pull me right out of the moment, and I would lose the rhythm. And then when I would get back to a focal point, it was a little too late. So these are things that I'm sure some of you are noticing that you're just not yourself. I remember sitting at a red light, and the family next to me was eating some fast food. And I was just hoping that someday I might smell or taste that again, and I might be able to listen to the radio at the same time and remember the lyrics to a song. When we're grieving, it's common to feel lost. It's just commonplace, that's all. We're disconnected and we're unsure of who we are or how to even take a step forward. And this isn't weakness, and it's important for us to remember that that we're not weak, okay? It's just our system is just scrambling to figure this all out. And you can't make it a heady thing because you're not going to be able to think about it. It's it can't be a thought. You have to be aware that, oh, I did do this this morning, or yes, I am cooking dinner right now, or hey, I I took a shower. I mean, these are things we have to be aware of. And then once we are, then that's a little bit of reassurance that we need that we are getting there. And of course you are. I mean, if you have five days in, that's five days of being able to confront those thoughts that said, I'll never be able to do this. I can't do this, I don't want to do this, I'm not going to be able to do this. Well, you know, if you just even woke up this morning after having to say goodbye to someone yesterday, you're doing it. And that's the most important thing. We can't think about how it's going to happen. It is happening. And we're going to feel very scrambled. And nothing will be as we knew it to be. How could it be? Our eyes look at things differently. And sometimes we don't even see the things that are in front of our eyes. Well, I can give many examples of that. I mean, you know, you're looking for your car keys and they're in your hand. You know, I mean, you can't find your glasses because they're on your face. It's just these things happen, and it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. It means you're right where you can be. And that should tell you just how big of an explosion has happened in your system. You could be standing in front of someone and someone's talking to you, and how do you know? Because their lips are moving. But did you hear what they said? Probably not. You probably got little bits and pieces of it. And you know, you've got to remember that we can't figure all this out all at once, because every day there's a new piece of us that awakens at all different paces. And that's the thing about grief is you know, when you are in that phase where you are in shock, you know, you are dissociated. You're on the outside looking in. And maybe your sense of hearing is the first to awaken. Or your sense of sight. Maybe you notice the sun like I did, or maybe you noticed a smell like I did when the grass was cut, or you see the colors of the flowers that are in bloom. But it doesn't usually all happen at once. And so, you know, when we start to challenge ourselves a little bit, that's when we can acknowledge that we are gonna make it. I always say, you know, we don't need to know it, we need to believe that it's happening, and there's a lot of evidence of that. And it all begins with just one small step. If you feel like you're trapped in your head, step outside. Step outside and try to engage one of your sensory pathways. Look around. How many SUVs are out there? How many dogs are being walked? How many children can you hear playing and laughing? Try to engage a sensory pathway. Notice your surroundings. How many people must be at work because the garage door's down and it looks like there's nothing going on on their property? And take a slow breath. Just take it in. I always say breathe in slowly to the count of four, hold it to the count of four, and breathe out to the count of four before you breathe back in again. You're not going to understand who you are, and you don't have to be frightened about it. It's your system that is starting to come back to you, but it will be different. And if you will reconnect with it, be willing to say, thank God I could smell that, rather than, why haven't I been able to smell anything? Or thank God, you know, I felt like answering the phone rather than what's wrong with me? Your patterns are going to be different. And certain things are going to change and they'll surprise you. I was surprised at the the the number of foods that I couldn't eat because I couldn't digest them because my system was such a mess. So before we close today, what is one small thing that might feel just a little supportive right now? Think about it. Is it the music? Is it the food that you're eating? Is it your drink going down? What what could help you right now? Some sort of movement class? Yoga? Start there to awaken your central nervous system. And just remember that it's not gonna be what it once was, but you have to be willing to find out what is it gonna take. And even in the darkness, okay, you're still present.

SPEAKER_00 17:37

And what you're learning is to put things together. This is the new you.

SPEAKER_01 17:47

If this podcast has been meaningful to you at all, you're welcome to subscribe to Hope After Loss by Marilyn Burns on YouTube for future episodes. This is Hope After Loss.

SPEAKER_00 18:03

Thanks for being with me today.