Helping Children Grieve: What Every Adult Should Know

Children experience grief differently than adults, yet their pain is just as real. As a licensed professional clinical counselor for nearly five decades, I've had the privilege of walking alongside grieving children and their families. In this episode, I share what I've learned about how children process loss, the questions they often carry in their hearts, and how the caring adults in their lives can offer comfort, honesty, and hope.

We'll talk about common misconceptions about children's grief, what to say (and what not to say), and simple ways to help children feel safe expressing their emotions.

I'll also share why I wrote my children's book, Now I Lay Him Down to Rest, a gentle story created to help children find hope and reassurance after the sudden loss of a parent.

Whether you're a parent, grandparent, teacher, counselor, pastor, or simply someone who loves a grieving child, I hope this conversation encourages you and reminds you that healing begins with love, patience, and honest connection.

Thank you for joining me on Hope After Loss. If this episode encouraged you, please consider sharing it with someone who may need it.

Together, let's continue finding hope after loss.

Thank you for listening to Hope After Loss: Conversations on Grief.

If this episode spoke to you, please consider sharing it with someone who may need support and hope today.

This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health treatment. 

If you have a question or a topic that you would like me to gently explore,
 you’re welcome to email me at [your email].

While I’m not able to provide individual counseling through email,
I would be honored to hold your question and possibly share it in a future podcast, so others may feel less alone.

Thank you for allowing me to walk beside you.  Until next time, be gentle with yourself.  Learning to walk with this pain begins one day at a time, one choice at a time to love yourself. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Well, good morning. Today is Sunday, the 19th, and uh I hope you're having a good Sunday morning. We've had some crazy weather around here in Ohio. I actually had a tornado run through the city that I was born and just about raised in. That was an eye-opener for all of us around here, but all is well, and I'm very grateful. I'm Marilyn Burns, licensed professional clinical counselor, author, and a mom who understands that grief changes every member of a family, including the children. Today's episode is one that has been on my heart for a long time because children grieve differently than we do. Yet, so often we expect them to grieve the way we do. And that's what leads us to believe that something's wrong with our kids. They're not handling the death or the change appropriately. As a counselor for nearly five decades, I sat with many children and families after the death of someone they loved. I've learned that children are incredibly resilient, and I think we all know that. But they also need adults who understand how they experience this kind of loss. Today I'd like to share what I've learned and offer some hope to anyone who is walking beside a grieving child. Have you ever noticed that children often ask the questions adults are quietly asking in their own hearts, but wouldn't think of really voicing out loud? Many years ago, a little boy looked up at me in therapy with tears in his eyes, and he'd lost his father, and it was a quick death. It was a car accident. And he asked a question that I've never forgotten. If my daddy is in heaven, will he still know it's my birthday? In that moment, I was reminded that children don't just lose someone they love. They lose the future they imagined with that person. They lose birthday celebrations, bedtime stories, baseball games, graduations, the hugs they expected to receive. As a counselor for nearly five decades, I've had the privilege of walking beside many grieving children and their families, but I've learned something very important, and that is that children grieve differently than we do. They don't grie less deeply, they simply grieve differently. Today I'd like to share some of what those remarkable children have taught me, along with a few stories that have stayed in my heart, and hopefully offer some guidance to parents, grandparents, teachers, and anyone who loves a grieving child. If you've ever wondered how to help a child after the death of someone they love, I hope today's conversation will bring you understanding, encouragement, and above all, hope. One of the biggest misconceptions is believing that children don't understand death because they seem to bounce back so quickly. The truth is, children often will grieve in pieces. I kind of call it spasms. They may cry deeply one moment and then ask to go outside and play the next. It's very confusing for the onlooker. That doesn't mean they didn't love the person. It just means children naturally move in and out of grief because that's how they're able to cope. As adults, we often stay immersed in our grief for days, weeks, months, years for some. Children take breaks. And that's very healthy. I wish more adults could do that. Many children will never say their biggest fears out loud. Instead, they wonder, was this my fault? Will someone else I love die too? That's a big one. I hear that often. They usually start showing signs of vigilance. They'll hang on to the people around them. They'll cling to them because they're afraid of losing them. Who will take care of me? Is it okay if I laugh again? Sometimes they don't have the words. Instead, their behavior changes. Maybe they become angry, maybe they struggle in school, maybe they become clingy, as I said, maybe they have trouble sleeping. Behavior is often a child's language. In mental health, we really look to see if a child is suffering from a loss or from something going on in their life that might be causing some change. And I encourage parents to look at things like sleep patterns. Are they sleeping too much or not enough? And are they struggling in school? Because oftentimes, if you don't really realize that they aren't sleeping, you'll catch it with the grades because they'll be tired in school and they won't be able to concentrate in order to keep up with their studies. Maybe they aren't playing like they normally play. Maybe they're showing more aggression or a disinterest. They don't feel like going over to their best friend's house. They don't feel like doing something with their friend. And that's kind of unusual, perhaps, for your child. You might see some changes in their eating patterns. And, you know, they might not feel like eating their favorite foods. Or they might be hoarding food or giving up at night and eating when no one's around because they aren't sleeping. And so there's there's ways to really read between the lines, even if they aren't saying anything to you or to someone else. So we look at their grades, we look at their sleep patterns, we look at their eating patterns, and we also look to see if they're socializing any differently than they were before the death occurred. One thing kids don't really need from us is perfect answers. They need adults to just be there for them. They need honesty explained in age-appropriate ways. Kids really do better with routines. And at times like this, routines really are necessary. Maybe sleep patterns, you know, are are sort of structured so that they know at a certain time it's time to go to sleep. So let's, you know, start gathering things up and let's get to bed. Let's keep routines the same, is what I'm saying. Oftentimes adults will change things up. You know, they'll let the child sleep in their bed or they'll let the child stay up late with them. This just creates more sidebar issues, in my opinion. They need a lot of reassurance that they're loved. But most of all, they need permission to talk about the person who died. One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is allowing them to say the person's name out loud. Keeping memories alive. But sometimes we unintentionally make grief a little harder for them. We want to act like there's no elephant in the center of the room, nothing's happened. But, you know, we're trying really hard to avoid saying that they are sleeping, they went away. Now's the time to be strong. We don't need to cry. Those aren't always the wise words to use with a child. Instead, we might say things like I'm sad too. It's okay to cry. I cry too. I'm here whenever you want to talk. I'll always tell you the truth. Children don't expect us to fix grief. They really don't. They simply want to know that they won't face it alone. So when we're there for them and we reassure them that we go through the same thing, yes. And sometimes it's good to just say, you know, wish you know Billy was here to have dinner with us. I miss him at the dinner table. After years of counseling grieving families, I realized there were very few books that gently explain death through the eyes of a child and gave them hope, something to hold on to. That realization stayed with me, and eventually it became a book that I wrote. Now I lay him down to rest. And I wrote it because children deserve hope. They deserve reassurance. They deserve to know that even though someone they love has died, love itself never dies. The book gently introduces a spiritual perspective without telling children exactly what they must believe in now and forever. Instead, it kind of invites them to discover some hope. Look around. There might be some little messages that you can pick up on, and you get to decide what you want to do with that. In this book, the child that lost her father, his I'm sorry, his father always went to bed with a bedtime story. Dad told him a story, and when he did, he would always rub his head and part his hair. And when this boy had to go into a football game without his father suddenly, and the game was won, and it was won mainly because of him. He he did the last touchdown, you know, kind of stereotypical stuff, but he took his helmet off and there was a slight breeze and his hair parted, and he knew he decided to believe that his father was there and his father saw him score the last touchdown. The book is on Amazon if anyone is interested. But if you're raising or caring for a grieving child, don't worry about saying everything perfectly. You're not perfect, and if you try to be, you're probably gonna flub. Just be present. Listen more than you speak. Answer questions as honestly as you can and hold them when they cry. And don't be afraid that they're gonna walk in the room when you cry. And I think it's appropriate to smile with them when they laugh. I think a lot of kids are afraid that if they start to have fun and they're really belly laughing and enjoying life, that they're hurting us. Children remember how safe they felt far longer than they remember the exact words we used. So when we're there for them, when we smile, when we laugh, when we hold them when they need us to. When we sit there and listen to them when they need to talk about the deceased loved one, and it could be their animal, could be their little pet. They'll take those deaths just as hard. So just remember that you're to be there for them, and I know that you want to do it correctly. Okay, well, you might not be able to do that because again, you're grieving. And so, you know, you might miss some of the cues that they're giving, and you can't beat yourself up for that. No one's gonna be perfect during this time. Just try to be real. Well, thank you so much for joining me today. If this particular podcast reminded you of a child who may be grieving, I hope you'll share this with someone who loves them. It might be helpful for them. And if you'd like another resource, my children's book, Now I Lay Him Down to Rest, was written from both my heart as a mother and my experience as a counselor. And it could be found on Amazon. Until next time, be gentle with yourself, be patient with the children in your life. Healing doesn't happen all at once, it happens one love conversation at a time. Take good care, and I'll see you in our next episode of Hope After Loss. Enjoy what's left of your weekend. Bye for now.