Mother’s Day Park Bench Perspective: Remembering Judy and Maria

On Mother’s Day, hosts Mike Hammer and Carlos Figueroa return to their “park bench perspective,” invite listeners to leave Fan Mail or voicemails on their Buzzsprout page to share St. Louis Park stories, and dedicate a mom-centric episode to their late mothers, Judy and Maria. They discuss grief and the ongoing one-way “conversation” after a parent’s death, including therapy practices like talking at the cemetery and writing letters, and reflect on how their moms quietly supported families and neighborhoods through work, Scouts, sports, and hospitality. The conversation touches on generational realities such as women’s limited ability to sign contracts before 1974, financial strain after divorce, and the importance of checking on others. They also share personal memories, including Marty Hammer’s severe accident and ICU ordeal, Maria’s lonely phone calls, and Judy’s “not today” refrain near the end of her life.

00:00 Park Bench Return

00:43 Listener Voicemails Invite

01:50 Mothers Day Reflections

03:29 Grief Coping Tools

04:37 Moms Who Show Up

05:32 Pick A Pop Memories

07:09 Divorce And Resilience

09:00 Check In On People

10:13 Entrepreneur Mindset

15:23 Sales Luck And No

17:40 Create Your Own Luck

18:50 Handling Rejection

19:11 Rejection Isn’t Personal

19:57 Sales Process and Asking

20:43 Fair Deals and Karma

21:17 Hidden Fees and Tipping Screens

23:55 Back to Mothers and Similarities

24:41 Judy’s Compassion and Passivity

25:54 Aging Parents and Doctor Visits

27:49 Marty’s Accident and Aftermath

33:19 Shoutout to Moms

33:36 Maria Story and Not Today

36:25 Final Farewell

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:32

How are you doing, Mike Hammer? It's been a long time since we've been on the bench.

SPEAKER_04 0:36

I am wonderful, Carlos Figueroa. Yes, the bench was under construction for a moment or something like that. We're repainting it.

SPEAKER_00 0:42

We're repainting it.

SPEAKER_03 0:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

I think I mentioned very much. We want to hear from more of you. We're trying to round people up for interviews. We'd love to just talk to people that lived in different parts of St. Louis Park over different eras to hear what life was like and your experience in St. Louis Park. So if you go to our Buzz Sprout page, which is the link we always post, and you go to what's called fan mail, you can leave us a message. And you don't even have to do so as a fan. You can use it as hate mail if you want. But you can also leave a voicemail message. So if you'd like, that's a quick way to get on the show is just ask us a question or tell us about your neighborhood via the voicemail.

SPEAKER_04 1:19

Who are the people in your neighborhood? In your neighbor, you remember that one?

SPEAKER_00 1:26

I want to ask you what you did with the money. The money that you were supposed to spend on singing lessons.

SPEAKER_04 1:32

Oh, I was probably saying the money I was supposed to use to pay them EMI for copyright.

SPEAKER_00 1:38

Oh, that you know what? Didn't even occur to you. I got a feeling that no algorithm can put that together with any actual song, so we're safe.

SPEAKER_04 1:46

If I had running water, you would probably it would have sounded better.

SPEAKER_00 1:50

So it's it's a tough day for us today, Mike. It is Mother's Day.

unknown 1:53

It is.

SPEAKER_00 1:54

I lost my mom now just about five years ago. And I know for you the feelings are more raw.

SPEAKER_04 2:01

Nine months. Nine months. And to all those mothers out there, happy Mother's Day.

SPEAKER_00 2:07

The gift of being a mother is the gift of life. We're gonna share some stories today that'll involve St. Louis Park, but this is gonna be very much a mom-centric episode. And I can tell you right now, I can't talk about my mom without crying. Pardon the tears. I'll try to keep them to a minimum.

SPEAKER_04 2:22

There are two folded tears. There's tears because it happened, yeah. And tears because I've said this to you and I'll say it, and this is just my take on it. People that have lost parents say it gets easier, it gets better, and I say, after these it no, it doesn't get better. No, the only way it'd be better is if my mom was here. Yep. But I understand how life works, and I get that she's not coming back, but that's the only way it'd be better. But what happens from the time she went to the heavens, and now is more time be gets in the between that and it becomes more the normal.

SPEAKER_00 3:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 3:00

But it's still to this day, and you you're years ahead of me on this, you you all of a sudden I gotta call my mom. Yeah, and you're like, that's gonna be a long distance phone call. I don't know if anybody's gonna pick up. See, but and that that metaphorical listening, well, she's listening, and I do believe in the universe. I believe in that to us to whatever extent, because I can't not believe in it, because I can't prove it wrong. But I believe in that. But this is the biggest one-way conversation of all time.

SPEAKER_00 3:29

I'll tell you what, you know it, but uh, I'm not shy about it. But I'm a therapy guy, and so there are various things that I found useful to me. I found it, I find it very useful to talk out loud when I'm at the cemetery. And I also wrote letters to my dad and then to my mom after they passed away as just a way of getting it all out there. But as time passes, it doesn't heal. But what happens is that the the tears to smiles ratio starts to change for me because they as sad as it is to know my mom is not here, yeah, I still have a lifetime of memories that make me smile. Yeah, she was in my life 60 years. I've known her all my life. Exactly. And you know what? My mom knew all of the worst things that I've ever done in my life and never loved me any less. It's hard to find, hard to find in the world. That's gold.

SPEAKER_04 4:24

And I know that yes, the special days still bring tears, but just the ordinary days, you're not teared out, but you're you're you're just reflective of this is the way it is. And I guess to say I had her for 60 years is a better way of putting it.

SPEAKER_00 4:42

And here's something that that it's a perspective that you probably don't have because you have your own relationship with your mom. But you know your mom was a mother figure to lots and lots of our peers and your sister's peers, Marty's peers and Marty's peers. Your house, similar to my house, had a reputation of being a hotel that would take in strays, and I hate to say that, but you know, your mom would take in anyone in a need and want to help out and be there for people. And that was Judy is the poster child for just showing up. You count on her 100%.

SPEAKER_04 5:16

If there was a room, she'd say, Come on in, come on in, sit down. When you want something to eat, but I and it's funny too, she did that to my kids' friends too. There was a number of uh my kids' friends that she she didn't just was friendly with them, she got to know and and grandma Judy was well known in the sports area with my kids, with whatever.

SPEAKER_00 5:41

But let's talk about our moms. In addition to organizing our lives, both our moms worked, they particularly they were part of Cub Scouts, part of you know, at all the sports. I don't know, magically after those Cub League baseball games, someone would fill that cooler up with Shasta soda, and that was always the moms doing that and taking care of us. Pick-a-pop. Pick-up. I always liked the cream soda from Shasta. That was my that was what I would go for in the cooler.

SPEAKER_04 6:08

That is one of the purest senses of a simpler time. We're going to pick a pop, getting those crates. I believe they were orange, and you could put 24 different pops in there.

SPEAKER_00 6:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 6:20

Bottles, 12-ounce bottles that you I think you had to have a bottle opener, and you got to pick it out, so you went with your family or whatever. Everybody got we divided it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:31

Who got so many flavors? Yep.

SPEAKER_04 6:32

And that was but back to the what they gave silently and what they got.

SPEAKER_00 6:37

But they never, I listen, and what I when you're a kid, your prefrontal cortex isn't developed, so you really don't look at shit from other people's perspectives. But I don't remember my mom ever complaining ever.

SPEAKER_04 6:49

My mom swore once when she dropped lasagna on the floor because she was having a weird nerve thing, and all of a sudden it fell out of her hands on the floor. Me and my sister were sitting there, and she goes, Shit, excuse me, real loud. And me and my sister looked at each other going, Wow, we've reached a golden age here. Wow. She won't they divorced, she divorced early when it wasn't popular for women to get divorced because it was considered whatever. And me and my sister pushed for it, but still being a divorced family was a misnomer. You didn't want to hang around it, but it wasn't the popular end thing to do.

SPEAKER_00 7:27

You were definitely on the front edge of that from it being something that a thing to it being what do you mean your parents are married and they're still together? The thing what a weirdo.

SPEAKER_04 7:37

Yeah, so the world has really changed, but it yeah, and the thing that me as a kid never occurred to me once is the financial strain that had to have put on your mom and you and she went from so she it was the 70s, mid to late 70s, and this was like I I kind of go the Aaron Brockovich, Norma Ray type thing where standing up for women. I didn't even know this till 10-15 years ago. When my mom and dad bought their first house, yeah, she was never she could not have signed for a house on the house. She could not, no. And when she bought her first car, her dad had a co-sign on it because she wasn't allowed.

SPEAKER_00 8:12

In 19, I think it was 73 or 74 where women could enter contracts without their husband. Yeah, it was 1974. We were already 10 almost when that happened. That's crazy.

SPEAKER_04 8:26

So she went from part-time job, Avon's, hung singers, sewing machines, to I gotta get a job and run the house. And I found at a very young age that doesn't matter how old you are, to a certain extent, you're paying rent if you're in that situation. And it wasn't rent, it was a unit that needs to have all these things covered. Yep. So how does the unit do it? Everybody steps up and becomes part of that financial unit, and nobody was a hero for it. Nobody was just part of life.

SPEAKER_00 9:00

Well, but here's the thing that I will push back on, not push back on, but I want to always it is one of the most truest statements is you never know what's going on in another human being's life. Yeah, you really don't. And trust me, you have people that are close to you right now that are living paycheck to paycheck. Thinking how they're gonna get through the month is a regular calculus. So if you find yourself not in that position, call yourself thankful because people are struggling, and there's a certain thing with my generation and prior generations of you gotta be strong, you gotta let show. But pull up your bootstraps, you know. But you know what? Check in on your friends and family, make sure they're okay. Help them if you can. The odds are they're not gonna ask for help, but be wary of that because a lot of that's happening right now.

SPEAKER_04 9:55

In between the lines, look for the sign, don't be intrusive. Yeah, but just if you listen, kind of close your eyes and listen, you let your not your objective part, but more of your compassion and reasoning part of your brain listen to what they're really saying. And it's funny when we when you talk about you don't really know what's going on in their head, and and that that happens a lot in Sil about us being in that situation. I for my most of my life I've worked for myself, a good portion of it. I've I've said over the time that I must really be comfortable with the wall. Yeah, because my back's up against it all the time. And I as time goes on, you learn that doing the things in the process and keeping a good attitude and believing, you always find a way. Yeah, but when you're younger, those nights where you're sleepless, going, How am I gonna do this? And as time goes on, you go, something it just happened to me that girlfriend the other day things happen between us where you're like, what I'm a big believer is positive energy out to the universe. You put the work in, you believe in it. That phone call, the message, now the text message, whatever, business-wise comes at just the right time because you didn't give into poor, poor me. Yep. You didn't give in to yeah, I would like a few inches between me and the wall, yeah, just so a cool breeze. I don't need I don't need the wind in my sails, but a cool breeze on my battery.

SPEAKER_02 11:21

A little like a little bit of breathing room would be nice. Yeah, I don't need a big ship to come in, but a little data.

SPEAKER_00 11:26

Here's something I'll tell you, because you're you are more like my dad from a risk standpoint. My dad was always entrepreneurial, always in sales. Very much, I think, for a little philosophical reasons you have. I always chose the paycheck, right? I can tell you after a lifetime of working, yeah, the security you get working for a company is false. Your back is close to the wall, just like I've lost jobs because of I haven't done as good a job as they wanted me to, totally legit. But I've also I know where entire divisions have been disappeared because some executive got up that day and said, yeah, let's get rid of these people. If a lot of my career felt like for the companies I worked for, I was just a line item on a spreadsheet and nothing more. That doesn't mean that the frontline people that I was reporting to and stuff were like that, but the people that I have given my freedom to in order to get this security aren't given the kind of security that I was sold. And I think a young person today deciding whether to go down an entrepreneurial route or a standard corporate route or whatever routes exist now that didn't exist when we're kids, don't I'm not telling you what to do, but don't get too fixated on the safe corporate job because though the safety factory or whatever? Yeah, or factory, yeah. Trades are wonderful until you get to be our age.

SPEAKER_04 13:09

Well, they don't need you and they don't want to pay you because you've earned it. People say I can't do what you do. So I'll pull I hustle. Hustle's not a bad word. You're hustling. You have these influencers that say you need to have side hustle. What's a side hustle? When you're earning money, you're really doing it for a purpose to pay, put a roof over your head, to eat food, to maybe have a little engine.

SPEAKER_00 13:30

But the re the reason it doesn't seem like a side hustle to you is because your entire life has been side hustles. But side hustles. That's called that what people call side hustles have been your that's what you've done. You put together a life of that.

SPEAKER_04 13:40

Entrepreneurial thought process where the you call it a side hustle. I call it another income revenue stream. Yeah. And so people will say, I couldn't do that. I'm like, you basically do that. No, I don't. I go to work. I go, well, that's what I do too. But let's see, if you don't get up at your alarm, get showered or whatever, go to work, you what? Well, I get fired. And what when happens when you get fired? Well, I don't get paid. So you don't earn an income, right? So yourself has to get up, yeah, go to work, so you are employed for yourself by this company. I just know that I'm supposed to do the books or whatever, that paperwork, that stupid stuff. But going out there, it's we're all self-employed, we're all trying to make money for ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 14:26

The one thing that I hated in business that in any future businesses I'm doing, I'm not gonna allow myself to get into a position. But anytime you extend credit to customers, you're fucked. Yeah, it's a hard one because you want the sale, right? But ultimately, if you don't get paid, you're worse off than not having the sale. And I saw that in my dad's business, our family business a lot. And it probably led to the most headaches, right? When what do you do when someone won't pay you and you gave them stuff and you were loyal to them and them, they probably have four or five people that they're calling every day. Man, you gotta pay me. And so I'm not making a value judgment, I'm just saying you're putting me at risk now.

SPEAKER_04 15:09

The other slip to that is don't overcredit yourself when going into business because if you're working today to pay yesterday, yeah, you're never gonna be around for not never, but it gets tough, and that's tough to have a risk. There's a great podcast I listen to. Mel Ravins, I listen to once in a while, but it was called Luck, The Anatomy and How to Make Luck. Professor from Harvard. I'll look it up on my phone here. But it was interesting. There's emotional luck, financial luck, social luck, uh, and spiritual luck. And luck is all based on opportunities. And I say this, I just walk around, try to with my eyes open because if you're just gruntled and not happy, your eyes aren't looking, seeing those opportunities, and they may be right in your face going, Hey, hey, I got some money for you. Do you want some? And you're like, just I'm having a bad day.

SPEAKER_00 16:00

And you're like, oh, but it takes a bit to say you know, I think we'll be successful in the economy that exists after we're gone, is I think the person that can do face-to-face sales calls.

SPEAKER_03 16:15

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 16:16

Because with what I'm reading about younger generations, lacking confidence of even asking somebody out for a date, if you can't handle no on a date, you're not gonna handle the sales business where you have to think of every 25 no's equals one yes and get used to hearing no. And so that I think is a skill set that is not is not being developed. And I'm sorry, but if you sell a piece of industrial equipment that's 25 grand or whatever, you're not doing that online.

SPEAKER_04 16:49

My good friend Dave Drexler used to say every no is one step closer to a yes, yeah, and you know it in sales. If you sell one out of ten, you might get two right away, yeah, and you might go 18 without, or you might go zero for 18 and get two, get four. But it Barney always had it. If you look at Barney on how I bet you he didn't, he wasn't very successful at that and goes up, but he just asked them all.

SPEAKER_00 17:13

So here is uh what Tom Hopkins said the success of sales is, and this is terrible for a podcast, but this basically is this is two bellies together. That's what that means. 20. He says, if you talk to people 20 people a day, belly to belly, you will be successful in sales because so many people are like, I send them an email, I call them, you know what I mean. It's like going get in front of people. Just you say, you know what, lock. What's the nature of lock? Okay, let's say I am looking for a mate, okay? Yeah, I stay home on a Friday night, you go to a bowling alley on a Friday night.

SPEAKER_04 17:52

Classic motor company.

SPEAKER_00 17:53

We'll say I was gonna go with uh the park tavern lanes. We'll say park tavern lanes because they're a fine St. Louis Park establishment. Not that the Classic Motor Company wasn't, but anyway. We spent a lot of time there. You spend your Friday night at the at the lanes, I spend the night at home. We're both looking for companionship and love. Even if we have the exact same amount of luck, you your opportunities for luck increase because you're among people. It's walking in front of you. You create your luck, and creating luck is going out and being there. I'm not and I'm not talking about being a jerk or a pickup artist or this or that, but talk to people. No, it's have a conversation with people. Ask them, hey, what do you do?

SPEAKER_04 18:37

It's interesting where boys, they say 20-year-old boys, a third of them to half of them have never asked a person out in in person.

SPEAKER_03 18:47

Ask them out physically in person.

SPEAKER_04 18:48

Yeah, not it's all online or you know. And you're right about the sales part because it took me a while when I was doing sales too, because when I had a product or a service that I really believed in, I knew it was good, yeah, and somebody would kind of they don't work, or that's not I'd get defensive books and I'd walk after them. But then I learned that back to your comment earlier, you don't know what's going on. You I didn't know if I was pitching it and they walked by and I didn't, and they said whatever something, I don't know if they just found out their grandma died, yeah, their dog died, they just went bankrupt. Yeah, and so all I know is what I can control is myself, and I can do at the same time.

SPEAKER_00 19:23

But you realize it was not a rejection of my camera. No, it was something, and it was it may have been a rejection of the business offer, yeah, but what you said, it probably is something that you've got no control over. It wasn't the thing.

SPEAKER_04 19:34

Yeah, I wasn't the thing, yeah. And when I started going, okay, and just said, okay, you have a good day. I started getting people, not all the time, every once in a while, turn around, walk back. Sorry about that. I'm having a bad day. I'm like, that's good. We all have bad days. I didn't go off on your negative, I didn't know why your negative attitude, but you came back. So I know all I can do is be me. And in sales, too, the interesting part about it is there's a process, and there's salespeople that always want to be closing without opening, and there's also people that know how to open and explain it, don't know how to ask for the money, and it all becomes part of it. And don't if you feel like your service or your product is worth it, don't have it's hard to say, but learn how to ask for the worth. Yeah if you are a tradesman, yeah, don't cut corners and say, I'll do this for free. I'll just no, I earned my skill, pay me.

SPEAKER_00 20:29

And ask for uh ask for the sale, you get the sale, ask for the referrals, ask for ask, ask, because the if you do not ask, the chance of them saying yes is zero.

SPEAKER_04 20:41

Yeah, and they're not gonna put it out there. And here's nice when I deal with people, I'm like, oh, if it's a good deal for both sides, it's a good deal. If it's a good deal for one and not the other, it's a shit deal. Yeah, and if you're the one that it's a better deal for, karma's gonna come out and get you.

SPEAKER_00 20:57

It happens, people don't have to believe in it, and those people can screw people for only so long, but people do get fed up.

SPEAKER_04 21:05

The reason the karma gets you is because you teach yourself traits to get more for you than what you're giving, and you create that that's what I'm worth, and it's a false representation of what your service is.

SPEAKER_00 21:17

I can't remember what website I was on. I was looking at tickets for something. I don't know what it was. It might have been a buy it might have been a minor league baseball team, but the entire website was like, here is the price of your ticket with taxes and fees and everything else. Right up front. Tick pic? I don't know what it was, but it was like what it was like going, that's so awesome. Just why don't airlines do that? Why don't just tell me what the goddamn price is? Don't like it sorry, tell me what the darn price is because I just want to know to be able to make an apples to apples comparison. You do it like that, so no one can really figure out you're ripping us off.

SPEAKER_04 21:57

Yeah, that was funny, and it happened during the pandemic, and now everyone. You go, they flip the screen around, and you have to choose not to tip. And it's brandy at Whole Foods when he doesn't want to give to the starving kids, whatever. But you're forced to. And I little trick pay in cash. Yep. Then that option for you to want to leave a dollar in the tip jar is on you, but you don't have to do that guilty of no tip. Because it doesn't say no tip. It doesn't ask you, would you like to leave a tip? It says 15, 20, 25, so up to 30.

SPEAKER_00 22:24

You're like, well, and then it starts at 20, 25 now. And you go to the meat market, it starts at 15. It'll say 25. Okay. But you know what? Bite me.

SPEAKER_04 22:33

Okay. But the heart the part about it is, and I don't always blame the employee because that system was put into place by the manager or the owner. Yeah. When the merchant, the business merchant company comes there that does the exchange of the credit card and money in your bank. They come with this here's a new feature on you. Oh, this is good. The employees will love it. You'll sell it that the employees will love it. But what it is, Mr. Owner Man or Mrs. Owner Man, you know your employees won't bitch about what they're making because you're forcing the customer to pay them more instead of the restaurants that did it during the pandemic that put a cook fee on there. We already mentioned one of the names, but put a cook fee on there and then other things, and then you're paying for your employees' insurance. I want them to be insured. Yeah, but here's the deal: you reflect the money you need to run your business in the price of my burger, and then I can make a decision if I agree to pay for it. But don't say, well, you gotta pay a cook fee. How the hell? Why didn't I just stay home? Will you come over to my house and make it? If I'm paying for your cook, and I know it's not whatever, but it's like this is a sneaky way of the financial system. The owner's going, I pay you less and make more.

SPEAKER_00 23:45

And the restaurant industry, the margins are so slim now because and they're getting raped on by the delivery services, and it is a very hard time for that business. But you and I are so far off afield that I want to get back to. We got back to mothers. Oh, we gotta go back to mothers. So I do not know the answer for you, but for me, I am my mother's child. I was frustrated the most by my mom growing up, and it wasn't until I was in my 40s that I realized I was frustrated by her so much because she's just like me. And my dad was my hero, or this and that. And my dad and I are very different people. It was my mom, it was just, and I see all the good things in my mom, and I'm happy that I got those. And some of sometimes sometimes empathy can be a double-edged sword because it can it can get you all wound up. But that that's I I think I got a work ethic from my dad too. We're a combination of our parents, but I see myself very similar. So I'm kind of curious, and this may be hard for you, and you may not be ready for this. And if we want to pass, you can. But how do you see yourself? What do you see of Judy and you? Oh, I it's not hard for me because there's the compassion, yeah, caring about each and every person, yeah, for real.

SPEAKER_04 25:01

I would get frustrated with my mom because she was very passive. Yeah, and I knew that with my dad, he was overbearing. And she was passive, let's just, you know, peacemaker, be good, but toe the line, do whatever. Yeah, and I'd get frustrated later on in life. I'd get frustrated, go ask your boss for more. You show up every day, you never say worth more. Go ask your boss for a razor, I'm gonna do it. And she'd be like, No, it's okay. And I'm like, going. I and I stopped getting frustrated. I'm just like, okay.

SPEAKER_00 25:29

So a lot of that, a lot of that is cultural too, because my mom never drove, yeah, didn't couldn't have shut off the water or the gas at our house if life depended on it, wasn't the payer of the bills or any of that. It was very much a traditional, and so that that was not uncommon for women to be trained to be passive in that generation. Yeah. And but you're right, it frustrated me because I saw my mom not fall in line. Well, one of the things that Mike and I are talking about is doing a podcast, a completely new podcast, on what it's like as your parents get older. And you become and one example that I'm gonna use as a preview is my well, if my mom and dad did this, there would be a problem. We would get them to go to the doctor. I would arrange to be at the doctor's appointment. How you doing, Maria? Oh, I'm just fine. I'm just fine, and it's like going we're not playing please the doctor, we're playing tell the doctor what's been happening when you're not here so he can make it better. But every time, oh, I'm doing great, never better, doc. I'm like, no.

SPEAKER_04 26:41

We made fun of my mom. How's it going, mom? I'm fine, it's fine, everything's fine. I'm okay. That's okay. It's raining out, but that's okay. And we always like, but that's okay. And it wasn't her world. You just wanted the phone call to hear a voice. You talked about the things with your mom and the letters you wrote. Just real quick back to that. I still have hundreds of voicemails for my mom.

SPEAKER_00 27:04

Oh, don't erase them ever. I'm gonna put them on. I'll show you how to put them on a desk. But let's do that next time I come.

SPEAKER_04 27:10

It's interesting for my whole family because every birthday she sang. And we got to the point years ago we would let it always go through the voicemail. Yeah, because she's singing on voicemail, and not just the beginning, the whole song. And this year people are going for their first birthday without her. I missed that phone call. But I got others to listen back to from 24, from 18, from whatever. And that the things that the past the her her passive, her acceptance of everybody taught my kids a lot of just accept people who threw that.

SPEAKER_00 27:48

I've just the it's they're so tough. I have a very specific memory when Marty was in the ER and we didn't things were really touch and go. And I'm sitting next to Judy, and I'm like, honey, Judy, you and I were did this a few years ago with Mike, and he goes, Yeah, just like with she's just it's one of the things. I'm like, no, Judy, no, that your kids are bringing you through too much. This isn't normal, man. It's okay for you to be a little freaked out.

SPEAKER_04 28:12

That was that was tough with Marty because he was it was that was that unrecognizable, the coma, the induced coma, the amount of time and the intensity.

SPEAKER_00 28:22

I will, as long as I live, never forget going in with you that first day and having you talk to him, and the way you talk to him, it brings tears to my eyes right now because the love in your voice as you talk to your brother, and obviously nobody knows whether he heard you or not. That was just one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen, man. Really is. I remember calling him pumpkin head because his head was the size of a pumpkin.

SPEAKER_04 28:50

It was tough, but he was kind of like I think that's a defense mechanism where you kind of play, we're gonna get through this, okay? Let's talk it through. But any you, anybody else who saw him, his head was the size of a good Halloween pumpkin. And because of all the what they had to put on his head to cut it off, it was orange.

SPEAKER_02 29:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 29:08

And when the real hard part was a quick segue, and this is where I watched my mom hold it together, like most passive people want. So when I got the phone call from my mother saying, Marty's been on an accident, but they don't think it's that bad. He was in his truck, he's going to HCMC. I was at home. Summer, my kids were young. And I'm like, okay, so I'm changing. It was 10, 11 in the morning. I'm changing my client. Okay, Marty's in the hospital, got an accident, not that big a deal. Now you don't think of it. Then I'm like, oh, I didn't get much information. So I call up HCMC. Yeah. And I said, There's somebody in the emergency room there named Marty Hammer. And they're like, correct. And he said, Could you give me the update? She said, sir, I don't advise you to speed.

SPEAKER_00 29:59

But get here right away.

SPEAKER_04 30:00

But get here as fast as you can.

SPEAKER_00 30:02

Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_04 30:03

So then I remember, I'm like, well, how do you tell your mom? Okay, you know, that phone call you got wasn't Marty's been in the little fender bed.

unknown 30:11

Oh man.

SPEAKER_04 30:12

And I didn't know what it was exactly, but I remember calling my sister. Yeah and she's sitting down at the dentist's office. I go, You can't.

SPEAKER_03 30:18

Yeah. Marty's life is on the live. Yeah. Call your mother and say, you're don't give her a reason why you're going there, just saying, look, let's go check up on Marty. But they just basically said it's dire.

SPEAKER_00 30:31

Oh my God.

SPEAKER_03 30:32

So I remember, luckily we had a cool neighbor, neighbor, they had kids, and like she was over there.

SPEAKER_04 30:36

She goes, I'll take the kids and me and right. We left.

SPEAKER_02 30:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 30:39

And we drove. And I remember it was at the emergency room there. In an emergency parking lot. I guess I left the car running and the door open. I went in. And my mom and my sister were there, and they were just going down with the chaplain. And we go in the room, and I'm like, and he starts talking. The doctors have done everything they can. Oh my god. Doing this and that, and I'm going. Oh. And all of a sudden he goes, but he's being rushed up to emergency surgery. And I looked at him, I go, Sir, I don't want to tell you how to do your job.

SPEAKER_00 31:12

But you bury the fucking lead, man.

SPEAKER_04 31:15

You preferenced everything in past tense. Yeah. And I watched my mom stoic, not crying, and I'm like going. So it was then there was many days of sitting there going, We don't think he's gonna make it, or the chances are slim.

SPEAKER_00 31:30

But I don't know. He was a fighter. He pulled through and you know it did not, it did not end where anybody wanted, but you did get lots of years together.

SPEAKER_04 31:37

He got we got some extra it was tough. Yeah. The psyche, the things he went through. It was it was so if you didn't know him before, you wouldn't know anything different.

SPEAKER_00 31:46

But he came back about 90% mentally, and it was still a crux that he you know what though I realized that it had changes had an effects on him, but in a way, he was a lot of the same old Marty. I remember just happened to be in a bar in Denver for a Vikings game, and over another table, there's Marty, and it was the same old Marty, and he was happy and stuff.

SPEAKER_04 32:09

There's laugh, my kids. He was the fun uncle, crack your toes if it was sitting there hanging out over the couch or something. And the way he laughed, the things he did for my kids and my sister's kids, he he but I was five and a half, six years older, so I know this doesn't want to. I don't want to sound patting myself on the back, but I was his hero to a certain extent. He was mine, yeah, but for different reasons. I was the big brother, and and I looked off from probably should have a little bit more, but we lived at a time where you gotta do what you gotta do.

SPEAKER_00 32:39

I mean as I've told you a million times, I play the game as well, but there is zero chance to live life backwards. Yeah, the best you can do is to say, okay, going forward, I know better not to do X, but you can't beat yourself up for not doing X when you didn't know.

SPEAKER_04 32:57

Yep, you didn't know, you didn't know that you never know it's gonna be a last time. Yep. Until and and at the end, I I I just knew the pain he was going through.

SPEAKER_00 33:06

It was that was that's for another discussion about this this has been a tough uh episode, but a personal one that that I I value this conversation with you because I know and love you and your family. But I really let's take another chance to shout out to all the moms out there. But the world would not be the beautiful place it is if it wasn't for the moms.

SPEAKER_04 33:28

And I yeah, and your your mom I love doing her voice. I don't know if I'm close enough. Carlito, Michael is here.

SPEAKER_00 33:36

I'm gonna I'm gonna close out this episode with a Maria story using the language.

SPEAKER_04 33:41

She was she and just one thing before she was like one of the moms that you just like my mom to you that you could walk up and ask her anything and not feel embarrassed, put out, or putting them out. You could just walk up and say, hi. And it was one of those reassuring I got you type parent, friend, somebody you loved, doing something because the respect and the care and the love was reciprocated.

SPEAKER_00 34:12

But yeah, you know, I think one of the things that you and I have talked about, our moms, is you get a lot of calls. It's the older, and they're lonely. They're lonely and they're bored. And so one time I get a call from my mom. This was after my dad died, and she says, I'm about two in the afternoon. She says, Hi, how are you? Hey, look, Casty, this is your mother. I'm like, Yeah, I know, Mom. I try something new. I'm like, what's that, mom? I tried to no call you to see if you call me. Like, okay, you did not call me. I'm like, Oh mom, I'm sorry, I'm at work, I've been busy. It's okay. I'm like, no, mom, I love you, and I promise I'll call you when I get a chance after work. You know I'm not as important as all the important things you do. I'm like, Mom, no, that no, that's not what I'm saying. But, anyways, I love her to death. I miss you, Mom. If the world works out in a way I get to spend time with you again, that would be amazing.

SPEAKER_04 35:07

If you hear me say not today, yeah, and I don't want to uh a story after your story, but I gotta not today became popular in my family, whatever sister, nephews, nieces, girlfriend, whatever, because a while ago, about a year before my mom died, she said that we were talking, she goes, I don't want to die in my sleep. And I sit and I pause and I'm like, a lot of people think that would be the preferred way to go, just go to bed and not wake up. And she goes, Okay, well, but not today, yeah. But I understand that, but not today. Okay. I go, Okay, so you want to die in your sleep, but not today, not tonight. She's like, Yes. I'm like, so we'll fight. And she's yes. I go, so toward the end, it happened, especially my sister, my daughter, who was home because of uh work injury, but she's in the healthcare field and stuff. Kind of her, they were best little buddies, but she'd also the other side of putting the nurse's hat on or whatever. And so she'd fucking and I said it, but she'd my daughter would say it more grandma, not today, and my grab and my mom would go, not today, and we're like, okay, we're gonna fight. And oh my god, one day one day she said, Why not?

SPEAKER_00 36:20

No, and two days later she was dead.

SPEAKER_03 36:22

Oh my goodness, passed.

SPEAKER_00 36:24

But once they're the best, they're the they're they're the best. And much love to all the moms, much love to Judy, much love to Maria. I think it's Hammer and Carlos.

SPEAKER_01 36:35

Out watching all the world go by now on the new the houses. Got my ticket for the long run.