Memorial Day Bench Talk: Dad Jokes, Raccoons in the Attic, Fireworks, and Barter

Memorial Day Bench Talk: Dad Jokes, Raccoons in the Attic, Fireworks, and Barter

On a Memorial Day in Minnesota, Carlos and Mike Hammer record “Park Bench Perspectives,” starting with a dad joke from Brady about “paranormal jeans.” They trade stories about critters in attics, including Mike’s suspected squirrels that turn out to be raccoons, a late-night raccoon at his daughter’s window, and using lights and loud music (AC/DC) to drive them out, plus a teen memory of using pellet guns on squirrels. Carlos shares a childhood incident where a squirrel fell into the shower. They reminisce about changing local wildlife, Westwood Nature Center, Dayton’s Memorial Day/Jubilee Sale ads, and Fourth of July fireworks, including large personal displays in Wisconsin. The conversation shifts to barter economics, estimates vs. bids in handyman work, coincidences in repairs and health, and frustration with vaccine misinformation. 

They close by promoting footpainauthority.com and announcing a growing podcast network, including “Forgotten Television” and a new show, “Role Reversal,” about caring for aging parents.

00:00 Park Bench Intro

00:39 Memorial Day Banter

00:43 Dad Joke Detour

01:30 Critters in the Attic

03:51 Wizard of Oz Surprise

04:42 Raccoon at the Window

06:21 Blasting Music to Evict

07:08 Pellet Gun Flashback

07:27 Shower Squirrel Chaos

08:35 Wildlife Then and Now

08:55 Westwood Nature Center

09:23 What Memorial Day Meant

10:16 Dayton’s Sale Nostalgia

11:10 Fourth of July Memories

11:42 Fireworks Then vs Now

12:37 Backyard Fireworks Tales

13:52 Cleanup and Getting Older

14:25 Barter Economy Dreams

16:52 Handyman Deals and Estimates

19:10 Coincidence and Vaccine Rants

21:24 Workplace Shots and Meeting Culture

22:39 Plugging Businesses and Podcasts

23:45 New Show Role Reversal

24:35 Next Episodes and Sign Off

Transcript

0:32

Hey, how you doing, Mike Hammer? I am doing wonderful, Carlos, and yourself? I'm doing okay. It's beautiful Memorial Day here in Minnesota. And we're on the bench. I got a quick one. Shout out to Brady, my son. What type of jeans does a ghost hunter wear? I don't know. Paranormal jeans. I'm sorry. Is this the dad joke pod? I'm sorry, I decided maybe I hit the wrong one. I thought we were doing park bench perspectives, but but the funny part is it was sent to me by my son. Yeah. But it was like a dad joke thing because it's just jokes are good. You know what? As long as you're not going to be able to do that. This is true as well. Whereas I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you. Yeah, but I'm not laughing. I'm not laughing, or I'm laughing at you and with you. And uh so what's been going on at your homestead? I hear you've been having some adventures. Oh, yes, we've it's been a bit of a ruckus up in the uh belfry. Uh bats? No, we have uh house back in St. Louis Park. A lot of houses just have one peak, and now you have these houses with the vaulted ceilings over here, over there. So you have a lot of playroom up there in the attic for creatures. And above our fireplace where we watch TV, they got up there. Uh and uh I think so because I could I could distinct decipher two peep two two critters in this conversation. Okay, and it was what we thought were squirrels, so I called them squirrelistics, not domestics. And I thought there was they were fighting, they were going at some I don't know, kids, money, staying out too late, whatever. And then I'm like, I'll just go away. And then, of course, would you hear that? Yes, you gotta close up all the portals so you're doing that, and uh finding out new places they go in. It's just a little sidebar. My we built a house and then this is goes, mice. I like basically we just You're in a field, this is where they used to live. This is where they lived, and you planted like a Hilton here with warm food and stuff. I feel like and mice and Stuart Little. They're not that that they're not Tom and Jerry, they they're in our culture, but so I'm like, okay, so eventually they gotta go away, and I got two dogs here, and then we just acquired a cat. So I'm thinking somebody's gotta do their job. Yeah, do your job, get them, and all of a sudden, in the front of the house, in the office, we start hearing, and it now it sounds like a different pitch squeak, and it was weird, and I'm like, they just there's multiple families, it's a big, you know, big enough attic with multiple families staying in there. So I'm like, okay, and we have soffits, wooden soffits, and and the screens that let the air back on there. Yeah, I could see a couple were pulled down, one was pulled down a couple inches, so I go closer and I see these legs hanging out, and they're decent, and they're good-sized legs. I'm like, wow, that's one of the biggest squirrels I've ever caught. But I can only see the legs. Yeah. So I go to get a step ladder and my phone. I'm gonna come back and I'm gonna whatever, say, hey, come on out, we gotta talk. But I put the ladder down and I go put my phone up there, and remember the Wizard of Oz. Okay, yeah. When the house lands and it goes to color, yes. What does the house land on? The wicked witch. What happens to her feet? They're sticking out, and then when they go to get the ruby slippers, her legs come off. I can't remember. They roll up. Oh, they roll up, and that's exactly what I look up, I'm about to snap the picture, and those legs roll up like the Wizard of Oz and I go, and I'm like, that spooked, but I'm like, that was weird. I'm like, that dude, I thought that dude was dead, like they were pushing it out. This is like the Ravengers, it's going out into space. And I so I'm like, how I guess I know where they're going out. This one's just cooling itself off over the vent here, and then I go and I wait later on, seal that port up that night. Raccooners are big time night time people, but that 3 a.m. in the morning, my daughter comes down and she's like, Dad, there's something at my window, and I think it's a raccoon. And she her bedroom window is over the sunroom, so the roof is about two and a half feet from the window. She goes, I'm like, okay. And I go up there and I don't see it. We have crank out windows. She goes, It was like pulling out my window. I didn't even know what the hell it is. A criminal, a burglar, whatever. So I'm like, Or a smart raccoon. First of all, they've already got their little bandanas over their eye, right? Yeah, so it was interesting. So I go to her, all right. Go I'm going back to bed. We'll deal with it. The doors are locked, whatever. All of a sudden she comes back down a little bit. I took a video of it, and she uh she she uh said I so I hear it again, I get my phone, and I start recording, but I couldn't see anything because the light was shining on the screen, reflecting in, and all of a sudden I look in five inches away from me, these two beady eyes staring at me. It's a raccoon, like pleading. I got to get inside to get my babies. So we figured out that it was babies in there chirping like birds, and now I'm like, oh Christ. And it turned out that I might be living with a part-time PETA person. Oh wow, so I'm like, wow, we're gonna bug bomb it up there, and we're gonna get rid of all the and it was one of those, and the neighbors are called pest control. I'm like, that's a grand, just to get I can crawl up in my attic, even though it was the opposite end where the entry point was. Was that what I'm smelling? Is that the poison that's gonna make me die here instantly? But okay, it's all right. They're just PFAS, they're the forever spray. Okay, but so the World Wide Web said turn lights on, strobe lights if you got them. No, you don't have your mobile DJ business anymore. No, not really. So I put lights on and then I say play the music loud. So I'm playing some AC the Hell's Bells, I'm playing a lot of heavy metal, turn some wrap on to it, and that bugs them, and they're gone. But it reminded me of when we were young at my house. In San Luis Park, right across there, on Hampshire across from Elliott School. Yes, and that was one peak. And we'd hear schools, so I'd go up there, and at the edge there was those uh vents, and they usually just chewed through over time and ripped off. It was just screen nailed on there or staple down there. So I remember I was with Craig Breiker, he had a pelican or I had a pelican. So I go up in the attic. How old are we? 15, 16 years old. All right. So I go up in the attic with a flashlight, scare him out, and he's picking them off as they're coming down. That was great. So I have a St. Louis Park uh critter story. We my mom didn't speak English, and then my dad's mom and grandma lived with us and wasn't an English speaker. My mom spoke English, just had a big accent. So my poor mom is taking a shower, and all of a sudden, through the ceiling tile falls a squirrel. Oh, geez. And so then my grandma is trying to chase the thing out of the house with a broom, and then the dogs that spent their entire life in the yard, all they ever did was chase squirrels, have one in their house, and they hide, they're no help whatsoever. So I feel so bad for my poor mom. I can't imagine, and I my heart might stop if I'm in the middle of a shower just chilling, and all of a sudden there's a squirrel in the little shower with me. That would just be bad. That would be who's more shocked. Yeah, no kidding. Yeah. So then after that, it was a similar thing. You gotta stop their entrance place, get them out, or kill them, and then stop the place that they come in. And I don't think they had them again. They it was that one part in the peak, the venting, yeah, that they get through. So you get up there if you have a stucco house, whatever, even lapsies and those things, they little sharp claws. People scale buildings, rats and the mice and the squirrels and whatever. They're just trying to survive, right? They're looking for warmth, they're looking for food. And shelter, yeah. And uh it was interesting when we grew up over time. Now there's turkeys everywhere. Yes. Do you ever remember seeing turkey in St. Louis Park? I do not recall seeing any wildlife, any turkeys. Deer really? Maybe on the highway every once in a while. I think I saw deer as an adult in St. Louis Park. Westwood Nature Center, maybe. Yeah. I remember Westwood Nature Center. I do. I do. Did you go there much? There was a time in my life when it was a way I would end a day. Hey, you want to walk through the nature center? Uh-huh. I never went there much. I don't know why. It was just it wasn't exactly your hood. No, it was over there. But I remember my sister, Michelle, did a job there one summer and they were making it. Oh, like in the Park Ranger or whatever. They were making all the trails but pass, and I don't know, cutting down the poison ivy. I didn't know that. We should have Michelle on. Michelle, come on the podcast. We will. I I have a confession to make. It's not really that good a confession. We'll make it better. Oh. No, imbalance. You know what? As a kid, Memorial Day, we were like, well, let's do a Memorial Day theme. And I'm like, I Memorial Day was never that big a deal to me as a kid. Yes, as an adult, I realized, you know what, taking a day to remember those that gave their lives for our freedom is a wonderful thing. But you have to remember when you're a kid, your prefrontal cortex isn't developed and you can't see beyond yourself. So for me, it was like school wasn't quite over yet. There were probably finals and stuff like that, and then summer and baseball had started, but Memorial Day just never felt like anything important. When do you think you realize what Memorial Day was? I just thought it was we got Monday off. Yeah. I was probably an adult in my 20s by the time I knew what Memorial Day was. Oh, there's something to this. It's a day off, right? Labor Day. Wow, I knew it was like Jerry Lewis and school. Yeah. Memorial Day. I remember the Dayton's cartoons or the commercials. The Memorial Day sale. And remember that you had the uh commercials with the stick figures? Yeah. Yes. Hey, what are you doing? Yes, we're the Dayton's Memorial Day sale. I never went, but I So I actually I tried doing this on Facebook. Facebook, you suck for engagement sometimes. I tried to talk about the Dayton's Jubilee Sale song, and nobody knew what I was talking about. I'm like, the Dayton's Jubilee Sale? And actually, I think it was written by some the father of a young woman that we went to school with that I can't remember. I remember hearing that. Somebody'll chime in and tell us who wrote that song. And yes, I think we all people probably the vast majority listening to this might remember that song. But then it was the guy who was always trying to get off work. Yeah. Are you really going to to the more the Dayton? Jubilee Sailor Word everyone's. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. That was funny. Oh, that was uh yes, name with Labor Day. The only holiday that meant anything from May to September was what? May to September, yes. Fourth of July. Fourth of July. Fireworks, and if you could get your hands on some firecrackers, and it was a party, you got to see them, you got to go hang out, you got to be stay uh when you're younger, you got to stay up late to watch the fireworks, going to Aquila. Going to down to Aquila. And trying to get out of there with the car and something. Some parents were like, We're leaving now, and others like, we'll stay until the traffic's gone. You're like, Yeah. The big ooh ah. Ooh. Remember the one look at the pretty colors. 1976, and they had the Snoopy and the Red Baron, and they had them on these big apparatuses, and they had a firework fight. Are you talking about the 4th of July from 1976? Fireworks. And in your brain, there is what the fireworks show was like in 76. 1976, yes. That was I've heard that the number of fireworks that are prepared for this 250th anniversary this year in Washington for the 250th is the it's some crazy number. I don't even know what number. Let's say 80,000 different fireworks, some insane number more than normally you. So for those of you that are into fireworks, at least fireworks on TV, you can watch the big celebration on the 4th of July. Yeah, it was interesting. Certain places remember that when we uh after Claude's living in Minneapolis, you could see fireworks all around. Turn your head, you can see them everywhere. I'm actually able to, from my house in New Brighton, able to see fireworks from a couple different locations from my deck or front door. Yeah, it's it's it's such a big deal. We used to have them in Somerset, yeah, and we do it on the 3rd of July because we always worked the 4th of July in the bar business. So we'd get them, and we were and you're in Wisconsin, so you just can get them. Yep, and we had a like a next to our house was like not a woods area, a low-lying area, and we could send them off there. And we would have people, because we invite a lot of people from the bar with a lot of people have like $2,500 to $3,000 of the fireworks, and we would go off for an hour. Wow. And people were bringing like and were you running the show? I was hanging on to the hose, trying to keep the kids away, and I usually let someone else some. There's always a bigger pyro than me. My my my brother-in-law Pat was a big one. He liked to blow shit up. So I remember small town, you know, all the cops, you know, they would wait, and even the phone calls would say, you know, we've watched them for a while, but we want to go to bed now. And so the cops would come and the missus of the time, we'd bring them a plate of food, each of them, so they'd have to spend another 20 minutes eating, and we could keep lighting up fireworks, and then eventually we'd wind down, and then for the next week you're picking up the debris from your yard. And the thing is, you're old now, right? So you care about it's your yard. You know what I mean? You care about all that paper out there. Did then, and now I don't again. We don't have two thousand dollars worth of fireworks going off yard. And I got a neighbor who mows my lawn. And I'm like, he asked me. Mind if I mow your lawn? I did some work for him a little bit trade-off and his the snow thrower. By the time it gets warmed up, I'm done with my driveway. Should I do yours? I'm like, you should. Hey, let me ask you something. This was kind of hot maybe 40 years ago, 30 years ago, and this and that, but I'm actually currently listening to a book about monetary policy and money and the gold standard and this and that. And the reason we came up with money is so that we can exchange things, right? If you what you make is bread and what you need is candles. If the guy who has the candles is like, I'm good on bread, what do you do? And that's the reason we had to break out beyond the barter society. But to me, the barter economy is awesome. I mean they used to do that, they do that in small businesses, they used to be bigger, where you do the service to build up points, and you could take those points and go to another. I remember talking to criminal attorneys who was like going, Yeah, one time I got a pinball machine, one time we got a car for the to settle the bill. It's great at the beginning, but then when you're getting this going, I need I need cash. I cannot pay my rent with this motorcycle. Yeah, I don't need service for for uh accounting. I need uh real money, Mr. Account. But but there was a time, this was very early in the web where somebody said, Hey, if we could just match make people that need stuff from people that don't, but it's it'd be a cool way because the barter system is one where I think it's the system is not set up to screw you. Whereas you're making an exchange between you and another person, and the government's not involved, nobody else is involved but you, nobody's taxing you on it, this and that. Of course, as an attorney, I have to advise people that under the IRS rules, anything of value constitutes income, and please check with your tax accountant before filing your taxes. With that said, typically in particular, like your guy mowing his lawn, your lawn for whatever it is you helped him out. That is to me, once again, not a tax attorney, don't carry malpractice insurance. I don't think that's a taxable transaction, but your mileage may vary. But I just I love barter. I think barter is the coolest thing in the world. It's just I wish we had more of that. But it's funny, it's to have the two things aligned. I need this and you need this. Usually it's I could do this for you if you do that. Yeah, I don't need that, but you know what? I'll do the old godfather. But someday. Yeah, someday I'll come ask you for a favor. And that day may never happen. Mr. Brazzo, Mr. Brazzi. Today is that day. Luca Brazi. Brazi, today is that day. We were just watching the Godfather. Here's another problem with the barter thing. This has got nothing to do with what our topic was, but it's what we're talking about. If you're trading candles for bread, what if the person makes crappy bread or crappy candles? And that's the other thing, whereas like a dollar bill or an ounce of gold is an ounce of gold, is an ounce of gold. You don't have recourse. What's interesting with doing handyman construction stuff or whatever. Yeah. When I communicate with people and there's a yes, yeah, and they it's never it's not really happened, but when they kind of say, I didn't agree to that, I'm like, it's right here. Texted me, I set a price, you said, yeah, that sounds good, let's do it. But that's gold. You're you're what's weird about your business is or that business will say, because you're you've got your fingers in a lot of different pots, and I don't want to label you one thing or the other, but at least in my experience when doing personal handyman work, a lot of times you start a job, and then you find out pretty quick that the job is something completely different or a lot bigger job than what you thought. And then it's like when I said I'd do this for a hundred bucks, but I didn't expect that required me to rewire your whole house. Yeah, but you get people saying you said a hundred. Yep. I would have them sign pieces of paper constantly. That's what I would do. But that but when you put that kind of grit in the gears, I don't usually set a price, I set it hourly. Yeah, and I'll say, We're gonna go into it and see what happens, and I'll keep you abreast as we go along. Because you can usually, and most people, there's every once in a while you get the old dude, I'm not paying you that. You know, I'm gonna get a contract lean against you because, but usually when it's an older house or something, when you're framing out a new room, we just need a laundry room belt, you know what it's gonna come, and you'll say, if you want anything extra, we'll add on it. And then you always, I guess it's in a business class, but write estimate, not bid. Yeah, because there's language there that can be necessary. It's an estimate. This is based estimated. Here's what, or that's basically I had a law professor who goes to use your lawyer words or your weasel words, leave yourself an out. If you say estimates, yes, I was estimating. I do not have a crystal ball to know the future, and you don't, and that's the thing, and that's actually also with cars, where a lot of times you start at the simplest, right? Your doctor maybe treats you for a cold before he starts doing exploratory surgery. You know, you start with what it could be simple, and then you start going to more complicated, and but that can take time. I remember time you didn't have with the affordable auto. Yeah, he'd always say, but he'd bring up they come in for a uh tire rotation, and all of a sudden they drive away and the car has problems in their alternator. Went we didn't do anything to the alternator, things just wear out. Sometimes there's a coincidence between this and that. If you have four light bulbs in this fixture, one goes out. There's a good chance not to make anybody angry, but I have a brain, so I have to say it. It's like people who say they got the flu shot and then, oh, and then I got the flu. If those don't have anything to do, first of all, you don't know that what you really got was the flu. You don't know if that's a strain that was part of the thing, so just shut up. Yeah, sinking the flu shot did not give you the flu, okay? I that happens every year. I'm like, I don't give a shit. It doesn't, it's not what happened. And that's it's not how it works, how it has ever worked. And I kind of say, don't ever bring that up to me again because I don't care. I don't care if you got a shot, yeah, someone shot you, you punched someone. I don't care if you want to do it, if you don't, I actually say still, there's still honestly, God, this is gonna piss people off, but I don't care. That poor that poor young man that died, NASCAR driver. Kyle Bush, only 41. You look at the comments, oh yeah, I wonder how many jabs he got. I bet you he got the jab. Oh yeah, that was the jab, the jab. I was like going. As if 41-year-olds didn't sadly die ever before there was a COVID vaccine. It happens, it sucks. From what it says, I don't, I don't, uh there is people can continue to say it, but you might as well get a tattoo that says, I'm a moron. The irony, the the coincidence. Who's the Adkins dyed? Wasn't he a distant and he was outrunning in great shape and he just dies? I think it was like the Jim Fix. He was like one of those ultra-runner guys, and it's not he died, but he died in his 50s of a heart attack. But it's like going, you can't outrun genetics, right? You just can't. So it's all you can do, if you really think about health, like gambling, all you can do is give yourself the best odds. If you get dealt a pair of eights in blackjack, you play it as best you can, but you've got you're sitting with 16. Yeah, you're sitting with six. And if you split them and you might be sitting with two eighteen, then Dylan might have a buttons. But six on an eighth and a ten, boom. You know, I mean, you don't hit it, don't triple hit it. You get a you hit you get a three and say, Oh, I'm gonna try to say if I can get a two. It's like going, no. You all you can do, all you can control is what you can control, but you might as well give yourself the best odds, right? It just the vaccine shot. It's always like when I took the kid to get it, I did it because I'm like, I don't know, I'm here, what the hell? I've done worse. And then other times you walk by, we're giving away free shots. How long is it gonna take? Yeah, a minute. All right, I got a minute. Let's go. But this go seek it out. Like getting up in the morning, going to do it. I don't know. Maybe that's one of the things I miss working for a big company back in the day, working for Thompson Writers. It's like when they'd come in, they'd have the flu shots come in, boom. It was like employee-free, just set up, boom, walk in, get it. It was just so easy. When I did set up in the gift shop and stuff, uh per year, yeah, getting me in the door, selling insoles. I was always amazed that the hallways were like high school, yeah, crowded, yeah, but there was no class because they were always crowded. I'm like, does anybody work here? Does anybody go and do anything here? And you know what they were most of them were always going to do? Going to a meeting. Meeting. And I'd always joke, when you get to a meeting, what's one of the first things you do? And they're like, I don't know, we're what do you well usually set another meeting? Yeah. Wouldn't that be something if there was a meeting to end the meetings about this, what we're meeting about? We always used to joke, and my uh my boss and I had crow on track was like the meeting after the meeting. Yeah, it's like going, there'd be a meeting, and then three of the guys would get into one office. I'm like, wait a minute, I'm not cool enough to be in the meeting after the meeting. No. That was actually a comedian back in the 70s who did a bit about going so that you go to a bar, but then they got the VIP section. Yeah. But then they got a special section just roped off in the VIP. Then they got a back room. That room is just for Jack Nichols. All right, buddy. I appreciate you hanging with me here on the bench here on Memorial Day. I guess because the weather's nice and we got uh things we wanted to uh do, we'll make this a shorter bench perspective. Because uh hey Mike, why don't you let them know how they can get a hold of your um podcast? If they're on the businesses, they go to Spotify or Apple Podcast and they can listen to this because uh I guess we're already on there telling them, so we might get to them again. But I don't know, they can if they need to get their feet to feel good because they have the best insoles in the world, go to footpainauthority.com. Yep. And if they have work that needs to be done here or there somewhere. And just message my camera. Message my camera, and we'll see what we can get done. So, you know what's better than having a podcast? Having a buddy like you? Yes, now I feel bad for my answer, but having a podcast network. So we're expanding. We've got a second podcast we mentioned in last week's show called uh our TV show uh Forgotten Television that I host with our friend since we were kids, Joe Riley. And then we're gonna do another one. You and I have started a new podcast called Role Reversal, where we talk about our relationship as our parents got older. We're late in the stage of parents and dealing with it, but we're gonna talk about what it was like as a caretaker as our parents got older and what can we learn from that and what we can do for our kids and grandkids to make them dealing with us getting older easier for them and easier for you. Because I know I don't feel the number that's associated with my age, I don't feel it most of the time. Some mornings, if I'm doing something that I didn't necessarily want to do at work, but it has to get done, feel a little bit more stiff or sore in the morning. Yeah, but I'm starting to get that feeling from my kids once in a while, like I don't need a hand, get out of here or whatever. And someday I'll tell you about the incident at the state fair last year, but that's supposed to be. You know what? We'll include that in the next episode of roll reversal. But for now, I think Mike, it's Carlos. We can do crazy concert injuries next week, too. People have been asking for that one. You've been reluctant because you need to change names to protect the innocent. Like crazy concert injuries and just injuries that self inflicted. Yes, yes, we could do an entire series on Mike Hammer's injuries. I could that's memories. But for now the corners of my mind for Nova Carlos and Hammer out!