Sperm Sisters's Podcast
"Sperm Sisters", a group of three sisters who found each other for the first time in their 30s. Join Natasha, Gemma and Helen every week as they learn more about the crazy donor conceived world that we all live in, and enjoy bonus episodes where they share personal stories worthy of their own Netflix documentary. Each episode, the sisters set out to uncover the murky world of dodgy 80s medical malpractice: anonymous sperm donors, hundreds of siblings, no paperwork trails - and yes, this had been going on for over 20 years in fertility clinics across the world. Will they ever know who their biological Dad is? Will more siblings pop up on their DNA test apps? Have a listen and find out.
Sperm Sisters's Podcast
Ep 6 The Message That Changed Everything
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What do you say to a sister you’ve never met?
This was our first message...
The Message That Changed Everything | Donor Conception, Finding Siblings & First Contact
Reaching out to a sibling you’ve never met is a moment you can’t take back.
In this episode, we share the story behind our very first messages - the nerves, the overthinking, and the courage it took to finally press send.
We talk about the pressure of getting it “right” the first time, and how that first contact can shape your future relationship as donor-conceived siblings.
Nat opens up about what it felt like to receive the message, while Gemma shares the instinct and emotion that led her to reach out first.
We also share practical advice on what to say, how to approach that first message, and what to consider if you’re navigating donor conception and thinking about contacting biological family.
This episode covers:
- Donor conception and sibling discovery
- How to message a newly found sibling
- The emotional impact of first contact
- Real-life donor conceived experiences
- Tips for navigating DNA matches and family connections
Whether you’re donor conceived, exploring DNA testing, or thinking about reaching out to a biological relative - this is the episode we wish we had.
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Get in touch and share your story with us, we're looking to interview people on upcoming episodes!
Email us at: spermsisterspod@gmail.com
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Subscribe on YouTube: @SpermSistersPodcast
Doobita ba ba ba do-da ba ba ba do-da ba ba sperm sisters.
SPEAKER_01This is a story about sisters. Just not the kind that you're expecting. Three years ago, we were strangers, living separate lives.
SPEAKER_00Now we know we're biological sisters connected by the same sperm donor. And that's just the beginning.
SPEAKER_03This podcast dives headfirst into the how, the why, and the uncomfortable questions no one seems to want to answer.
SPEAKER_00Uncovering secrets the medical world would rather keep buried. How many donor-conceived people are there really?
SPEAKER_01No one can give a straight answer. Not the clinics, not the system, no one. So, how many siblings could be walking past us every day without a clue?
SPEAKER_00It's messy, it's shocking. At times it's almost impossible to believe. And somehow it's also really funny.
SPEAKER_03Come with us as we dig deeper, ask the uncomfortable questions and laugh our way through the chaos of discovering who we really are and just how many of us there might be.
SPEAKER_00Coming up on this week's episode of Sperm Sisters. The moment before this all started for us.
SPEAKER_03I turned around to James and I said, Oh my god. And he was like, What darling? And I was like, James, it says I've got two half sisters.
SPEAKER_05We share with you our very first message to each other. Oh, I don't know how I'm gonna get through this. I don't know.
SPEAKER_01I wasn't expecting to read it. I'm emotionally stunted. If you cry, I'm happy to carry on for you.
SPEAKER_00We acknowledge that our donor-conceived journey isn't the same for everyone.
SPEAKER_03We're really aware that some of their stories do not match ours, and we want to be really sensitive of that as we kind of travel through this episode.
SPEAKER_00So grab yourself a cupper and get comfy. This is an emotional one.
SPEAKER_03Welcome back, gang, to the next episode of Sperm Sisters. Now, on our last episode, Gemma took the lead and uh we were discussing what different platforms there are that you can use to um send away your DNA and find out who you might be related to, what makes you you, etc., etc. And today we thought it would be nice to follow up with a discussion, an open floor discussion, about um what and how to approach messaging somebody if you find a match with them. Yes. How do we feel about that?
SPEAKER_01About how would I feel about how would you approach messaging someone? I think it's a really nuanced uh question because I think there's a lot of grey areas surrounding it, obviously. What match are we talking about? Are we talking about a sibling match, a donor match, a distant relative match? Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Well, for all in all for the purposes of this episode, we're gonna talk about what it is like to reach out to a donor sibling. Yes. So essentially what happens is when you get your results, let's just talk about 23andMe because that's the only one that I've done. Yeah. But when you get your results back on 23andMe it quite literally says, here's your half-sister. Like there's no, you know, leading up to it. It's like, these are your half-sisters. And when I opened my results on 23andMe, I was presented with you both. It said, Gemma Hicks, Helen Hicks, half sisters. Now, in previous episodes, I've said that I absolutely did not go in to doing that DNA kit to find other siblings or to find the sperm donor, etc. etc. And when I received those results and it came up that you two are half sisters, I turned around to James. I said, Oh my god. And he was like, What darling? And I was like, James, it says I've got two half-sisters. And I think I had COVID at the time of this when I found out these results. So I was, you know, just lying on the sofa not doing anything. So to then be presented with that, it was quite exciting. Yeah. I wasn't, I wasn't um overly emotional about it. I just was like, oh my god, yeah. What of trust this to happen to me? You know, one of those things where it's like, okay, next chapter, here we go. It was less than 24 hours later that I reopened the app, and lo and behold, there was a message from you, Gemma. Yes. Should we share that with the listeners? Yes. Shall we, Helen? Yeah. Okay, so you've just sent this to me, Gemma, because um, as previously mentioned in last week's episode, I no longer have the app. So I don't actually have our the first message that you sent me. So you have just screenshotted it and sent it to me.
SPEAKER_05I'm a sentimental bastard and I have to keep things.
SPEAKER_01So what I was gonna say was I think just quickly before we read it out, there may be some beeping, not through swearing, but beeping out just because we want to um respect anonymity. Yeah. So we might not be able to read the entire thing out in full, but we're going to, and then we'll just beep it if we need to.
SPEAKER_03Yes. Perfect. All right. Well, strapping ladies. When was the last time you either have you read this? Oh my god, years ago. Yeah. So you can't really remember what it says. Nope.
SPEAKER_05I mean, we messaged when what's the date on the message?
SPEAKER_032022. It's cut off, but yeah, I think it's May. Woo, weirdly, May 2nd. Oh, we're coming up to the anniversary. That's cute. How many is that? That's gonna be four years.
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_03God, that's ages. God, we know each other so well.
SPEAKER_04Hey, let's start a podcast.
SPEAKER_03So four years ago. Yeah. Okay, are you ready? Ready.
SPEAKER_02Oh, I don't know how I'm gonna get through this. I don't know.
SPEAKER_01I wasn't expecting to read it. I'm emotionally stunted. If you cry, I'm happy to carry on for you. Oh, okay, here we go.
SPEAKER_03Hello, Natasha. Hope you're well and have had a lovely bank holiday. I'm Gemma, and according to our 23andMe results, it appears we're half sisters. I hope this isn't a huge surprise for you. So you know a little bit about each of us. And I are 32 and Helen is 31. We each absolutely love dogs, going to shows together, and have a range of creative interests. Please take your time if you want to reply to this message. From our point of view, we're really pleased that we have found a half-sister and would love to connect with you. But we completely understand if you weren't expecting to discover three half-sisters today. We all hope that you've had oh yeah. Oh god. We all hope. Oh no. We all hope that you've had a wonderful life growing up. And this is lovely new information. Warmest wishes.
SPEAKER_05Right, but we always knew this episode was gonna be like emotional rest time.
SPEAKER_03Look, it's for me anyway. For me, it's that um sorry, babe. For me it's that last line. Like it's that last line for me. And I, you know, from from somebody who was absolutely not expecting to find sisters through doing that DNA test, I could not have wished for a kinder, gentler, thoughtful message to have been sent. Like, I I really like hand on heart, don't think I'm so emotionally unstable to do this.
SPEAKER_04I'm hand on heart.
SPEAKER_03Do not think that I'd be sat here today if actually like those exact words that you had sent were not what you had sent to me. Because I immediately felt so held and like like there was like an an immediate feel of like protection in like a space where I which is really vulnerable. And like to have received that message and just the way you wrote it, Jamma. I mean, like now knowing you now, it's like not surprising that you put such a beautiful message together, and I will forever be so grateful. And I think you know, it's really important that the three of us acknowledge that we are really so lucky with the journey that we have been on, and we understand and we know that this is not the case for lots of people that are donor-conceived and they may fail find out that they have half siblings. Um, we we're really aware that some of their stories do not match ours, um, and we want to be really sensitive of that as we kind of travel through this episode. Yeah, yeah. That's beautifully put, it's that's very true.
SPEAKER_05I think writing that, because when you got the notification when your results came through, at exactly the same time on our phones, we had a message saying you have a new match. Yeah. And some think about that. You get a message that's and it and it's like clickbait, like it's like, oh, you've got a sixth cousin in Ohio or something like that, you know. But then this one was like, read it now. There was like it was written in like a different way. So, yeah, we just saw your name come up.
SPEAKER_01Wow. I do remember that. I I was at a house party, and I remember it came up on my phone, and this has been consistently weird with Gemma anyway, when we've had a match that's come through. It's like it's a weird sort of sixth sense. Even though you get a notification, it would be the phone barely rang, and Gemma immediately picked up. I I remember just I was obviously a bit worse for wear anyway, but I just had like an emotional release of I just cried. Really? Yeah, I just absolutely went which is not really like me, I wouldn't say. But I was really um just overwhelmed by the fact of like, you know, there is life-changing information, and I am forever eternally grateful that Gemma is very good at actually being able to articulate her emotions well. Without Leon, are you listening? I I do think the first message is so imperative to how it's all gonna go. Without a shadow of a doubt.
SPEAKER_03Because you immediately, or certainly for me, like immediately, I felt like I had a sense of the personality and the kind of character that was contacting me. Really? Immediately through that message. I mean, like, how could how could you not? Specifically for me, it was like the last sentence where you know, you said you know, when you said we hope you've had a really like happy, lovely life. Yeah. It takes for someone really special and for someone with intuition and like sensitivity to write something like that, like not everybody would approach a message to a stranger with that language.
SPEAKER_01So I would say for anyone listening then who might have received a match on one of these DNA websites and be sitting there thinking, oh my god, this is such life-changing information. How on earth do I approach this? Because there are things that need to be considered. Absolutely. Does the person because we're talking about it purely in terms of a donor sibling, okay? Does the person know their donor conceived that you're contacting? Um are they actually the child of the donor? And what ramifications will that have on their family? Maybe if it's been a hushed secret. There's lots of things to consider, but what I want to do is throw the question to Gemma, the original writee of the message. Yeah. What do you think is the most important thing to put in a message? How would you structure it, and what advice can you give? Gosh, that's a good question.
SPEAKER_05Uh so when I wrote your message, the first thing I did was put myself in your shoes. I already knew why I was related to you. Like you said, Helen, you know, you might you might have been the donor's daughter and you didn't know that your dad had donated back in the 80s, and what a what a nightmare that would be. So I as in opening that can of worms and breaking family dynamic or something like that. So I you panic about that. So I think that's the first thing to be aware of is don't spill the beans on over-sharing the donor-conceived information just in case the person isn't aware. That's a great piece of advice. That's the first thing, because the ramifications of getting that wrong impact someone else's life rather than your own. And it's very hard at the time because you're either feeling excited or nervous or whatever. You don't, you also don't know how that person is going to respond. They might not want to know anything about being donor-conceived. This might be a shock to them that they've just found out as well. But from a personal point of view, when I wrote your message, I just wanted you to be okay because I didn't know what your situation was. So I always wanted you to know that from our side you were safe and it was okay.
SPEAKER_04I can't say it.
SPEAKER_05Because it's like I've got a really ugly crying voice as well, which is like really unfortunate for a podcast. I think growing up with a sister already, and knowing how magical and how special it is to have a sister's bond and to love that this one so much, and then to think I've got another one. I think how lucky, how lucky am I? And I just wanted, I really wanted from the bottom of my heart for you to be okay. Because if you're wired like I am, which I now know that you are, it's uh we wear our hearts on our sleeves, and it is so much to take in. Yeah. And I yeah, I just and I genuinely I always think about how much I missed out on you, and how much I wish that I had you.
SPEAKER_04And it makes me really upset, like to think that I really could have done with you. And it's I just find it really hard sometimes.
SPEAKER_01Do you want a cup of tea or something? No, it's white. A fruit shoot, I'd be okay.
SPEAKER_05But yeah, I think when I'm like writing a message, like it really comes from the heart. I'm not I'm not about the DNA percentages or anything like that. Yeah, it's fun to know that you know, oh, we we share a little bit of Irish and all that kind of stuff, but the bottom line is that I think, oh my god, it's gonna sound really gross and cringy, but we share so much of a heart and a soul. Yeah. So I was just looking after that bit because I couldn't physically get to you in that moment to hug you. Yeah, I couldn't physically hug you. So how can I hug you with words? And that was what I wanted to do.
SPEAKER_03And I like I just you know, I just want to say that I like the sentiment that you have just, you know, so beautifully perse. Like, I really feel the same way, you know. That's like just such a beautiful thing that we like now have all of this time to catch up on all of the the time lost. But I think yeah, like I I felt held and I felt hugged through that message. Um, and yeah, for anybody that is thinking of or who is scared or worried about wanting to reach out to someone, I think you just have to, you know, it's almost worth like sitting sitting with those questions that crop up because there is a lot to consider, there's a lot to think about because as we kind of said at the start of this episode, like you may not get the reply that you want or wish. I don't know how long it took for me to reply to you actually. You replied the same day.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, absolutely. Do you have the reply? No, because because your account's gone, but I've got the messenger.
SPEAKER_03Do you not have it in like your that's what your group chat with?
SPEAKER_01That's what I'm baby. Can we pause for a sec while I search? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm absolutely founded. Oh Helen! Okay. Oh god, I have no idea what I said back. Okay, are you ready? Yes. This is the absolute beauty of screenshot. That's a really key piece of advice, I would say, regardless of the fact that our story has turned out brilliantly, um, and we're really fortunate. Some people who aren't so fortunate, the main piece of advice for them, if you find a match, screenshot, screenshot, screenshot. Because as soon as someone deletes their account, it's gone. And so if you screenshot things, you've got a trail for yourself anyway to keep. Should you want to try and dive deeper, you'll you'll have the ability to do so. Right. Yeah. Are you ready for your reply then? I think so. Can you remember any of it or nothing? Honestly, like nothing. I don't know what I said. Okay. Well, you did reply on the same day. Wow. Um, and you said, Hi, Gemma Helen. Firstly, Gemma. Just from looking at your photo, I can tell you now that we share the same smile. Secondly, thank you for your kind message and for reaching out. I was building myself up to message you. This is so amazing and wonderful that the three of you have already connected. I am feeling pretty overwhelmed, but also incredibly happy to have found you all. I also live in London, I'm 32, and love going to shows, but please don't be disappointed when I tell you that I have a kitten. I also love dogs. I'm 32 and I'm not sure where to even start. Why am I getting sad?
SPEAKER_04We've broke up.
SPEAKER_01Wait. Okay. I'm 32 and I'm not sure where to even start with the rest of my story. You've done this once before already. What happens next? A big cuddle to you or your half-sister Natasha.
SPEAKER_05And then, like all, you know, dating apps and whatever, we slid into the DMs, and we're like, one exchange number and want to move this to WhatsApp.
SPEAKER_03Actually, it is a bit like Tinder. Yeah. It really is. Like you have to be brave enough to reach out first, and you have to be ready for rejection, actually. Yeah. Um, and yeah, that's so wild. I had yeah, that's honestly, I had no idea what I replied. Do you want to read your reply to Nat? Does it move to what's it? Read it off of hands if you haven't got it.
SPEAKER_05My message back to you, Nat said, Natasha, your message has made us all so happy. Thank you so much. We thought it would be really intense for you seeing three half sisters. Who do you message first? Oh, that's a very Very good point.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, because I didn't know that like you two were full sisters. Yeah. I didn't know what a situation was.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, and uh that's another really good point. That's it, like you know, when you get the new kid at school, you never want them to be on their own. And when you're when you're bigger in numbers, it must be really intimidating because Helen and I have always come from it as we're we've always we've never done it on our own because we're full sisters. Yeah, yeah. So we can't I can't imagine how scary it must be.
SPEAKER_03I think for me there was a sense of like almost like jealousy? Really? I think like at the start when like I I knew that the three of you like already had discovered each other and like we're getting to know each other, and I think like definitely at the start, like when we were starting to get to know each other, I've I did feel like a sense of jealousy because I was like, oh no, like I'm like the the odd one out a little bit. Yeah, don't say that now, but I've never even thought about that though, but yeah, did at the start. Wow, because that's hard to find your place in an in a pre-existing group. I think that that's it, and that's maybe what I'm trying to say is I was like, where do I fit in with this pre-existing sisterhood?
SPEAKER_05Yeah, you know, and it's it's so loaded, yes, yeah. The message goes on to say basically, we will go along with whatever you would like to do. Whether you want to chat for a bit, get on WhatsApp with us, etc. Wait. Time to process, whatever you like, we'll take things at your pace. But if this is too much, then please, no pressure. There we go. There was also the more. Oh, thirsty. That was really desperate, wasn't I?
SPEAKER_03Thirsty. Thirsty. Oh, yeah. What is it? Is it just like here's my number?
SPEAKER_01No, it's like I'm desperate to know which month your birthday is. Mine is October. Who's oldest out of us? Helen is February and is an honorary 80s baby.
SPEAKER_05So picking up on the point in that last message about we'll go at your pace, yeah. It's because we obviously discovering from your response that this was crazy, you know, finding sisters, and it's just it's a real whirlwind. So I think it's the responsibility of the siblings who um have known that they're donor can see for either for longer or it's been proven that there are other matches when there's someone new to the dynamic, always go along with their wishes, don't push it on them. And I'm saying this as someone who's desperate to meet up with you, and it was like having to hold myself back because I was so excited. But it's good to give people time to process.
SPEAKER_03That is actually a really important uh point that you make Gemma because um we know of other people who it our donor conceived, and for them, we know that it has taken them four years to even get to the point where they feel comfortable with uh making contact with people who contacted them initially four years ago when they popped up on their 23andMe. Yeah. So I think time and patience um is really important, and I think don't panic if you don't get an an immediate response. You know, if you reach out to somebody and you don't get anything back, it doesn't mean that they won't respond. You know, time is a healer.
SPEAKER_01And on that note, then obviously, like we've already said at the beginning, it's all incredibly nuanced. People have to move at their own paces. Yeah. This is a such tricky waters to tread. There are so many groups out there that offer support systems in place, particularly the donor-conceived UK uh charity-led group. They've got a website which we'll link in our bio. Um, and if you do connect with them, it's worth noting that um once you've joined up, everybody is eligible to two free counselling sessions, which I think fantastic. Yeah, invaluable really when you're in this kind of situation. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Yes, nothing prepares you for it at all. But if you have just found out, or if you're struggling with it, I mean you're always very welcome to contact us because you're never alone. What advice you'll get. If you were here with us, you'd have a glass of wine or something like that, and just a really big sob and work it out. But it's everyone's got their own personal story, and as we've discovered from other episodes, there are thousands and thousands of us, and there's and it sounds like there will always continue to be. Yeah. So let's keep sharing our stories. And if you've got a donor conceived story that you would like to share with us, and hopefully you see the value in sharing uh your experiences.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. And actually, if you would like for your experience to be shared as part of one of our bonus Friday episodes, but from an anonymous perspective, please reach out to us because um those are the times when we can share those stories.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Our email address is sperm sisterspod at gmail.com. Thank you very much for listening. We love you. Take care. Bye.