Ep 8 You've Got Male

👀 What happens when a sperm donor wants to make contact?

In this episode of the Sperm Sisters Podcast, You’ve Got Male, we explore one of the rarest and most emotionally complicated sides of donor conception - a donor reaching out and wanting a connection.

We talk about just how close we came to discovering real information about our own donor, and what it means when anonymity, identity, and biology suddenly collide.

Along the way, Nat reads out real donor profiles as we attempt to pick our favourites, and we uncover the uncomfortable truth that many of the mistakes made during the “wild west” era of 1980s fertility treatment are still happening today.

This episode covers:

• Donor conception and sperm donation
• Anonymous sperm donors and donor contact
• DNA discovery and biological identity
• Fertility clinic mistakes and ethics
• Donor profiles and choosing a sperm donor
• Real experiences from donor-conceived siblings

Funny, unsettling, emotional, and slightly chaotic - just how we like it.

🎙️ Sperm Sisters Podcast – You’ve Got Male
🎧 Listen now on Spotify, Apple Podcasts & all podcast platforms
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👉 Follow and subscribe for more honest conversations about donor conception, DNA discovery, fertility treatment, and sibling stories.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Stupid. This is a story about sisters. Just not the kind that you're expecting. Three years ago, we were strangers, living separate lives.

SPEAKER_00 0:25

Now we know we're biological sisters, connected by the same sperm donor. And that's just the beginning.

SPEAKER_04 0:32

This podcast dives headfirst into the how, the why, and the uncomfortable questions no one seems to want to answer.

SPEAKER_00 0:38

Uncovering secrets the medical world would rather keep buried. How many donor-conceived people are there really?

SPEAKER_01 0:44

No one can give a straight answer. Not the clinics, not the system, no one. So, how many siblings could be walking past us every day without a clue?

SPEAKER_00 0:54

It's messy, it's shocking. At times it's almost impossible to believe. And somehow, it's also really funny.

SPEAKER_04 1:02

Come with us as we dig deeper, ask the uncomfortable questions and laugh our way through the chaos of discovering who we really are, and just how many of us there might be.

SPEAKER_00 1:12

Coming up on this week's episode of Sperm Sisters.

SPEAKER_02 1:21

We find out what information others discovered about their donors from what she had on her sheet of paper.

SPEAKER_01 1:29

Utter wank. Excuse. The Freudian slip there. But she just had like brown hair, blue eyes, likes to go on walks.

SPEAKER_02 1:43

And maybe think twice about that free sperm.

SPEAKER_04 1:46

If you donate outside of a licensed clinic, the situation is way, way, way more complicated. As you actually could be considered the legal father of any children conceived from your donation. Whoa. Feeling ready?

SPEAKER_02 2:00

Let's go.

SPEAKER_04 2:02

Oh, we're back. Let's go from youngest to eldest.

SPEAKER_01 2:06

That's me. I'm Helen. I'm the youngest of the three sisters, and I've currently lost my voice, so I feel like I sound like Phoebe Buffet from Friends. You know, when she goes, Diggy, sticky ju.

SPEAKER_02 2:23

My name is Gemma. I'm the middle sister, and I am recording from my art studio that has just had a deep clean. Um, and because I paint in oils, there's a very strong whiff of solvents in the air. So I'm not sure. Actually, that could explain quite a lot with the last recording, actually, couldn't it?

SPEAKER_03 2:47

Yeah, but you have to stop doing this because every time we change our outfits, you do it. I know recording on the same day.

SPEAKER_04 3:00

And I'm Natasha, and I'm the eldest sister, and this is where we used to record in this room, right here. For those of you who have watched from the start. Okay, well, today, well, initially for this episode, we were gonna discuss what it looked like to prepare for making contact with your donor. However, I've gone a bit rogue and I'm gonna do something a little bit different. And instead, I'm gonna come from the donor's perspective, and we're gonna look at what it might look like for the donor to reach out to their donor-conceived individuals.

SPEAKER_01 3:47

Okay, I like that. Should I redo that bit?

SPEAKER_02 3:52

No, no, I don't think so. Uh I just have like an out-of-body thing to be like, oh, someone else is a point of view other than our own.

SPEAKER_04 4:01

Yes, let me let me uh I might just read uh read out what I've written down just for clarity. Okay, okay, but I've gone rogue for this one. Did you yawn again? I'm so fucking sorry.

SPEAKER_03 4:15

Boring fucking boring subject.

SPEAKER_02 4:21

It's not about me.

SPEAKER_04 4:26

No, ready? Yeah, yeah, but I've gone a little bit rogue for this one, and I'm not gonna do that. So instead, I'm going to come at this episode from the perspective of a donor themselves and how a donor might prepare for possible contact from someone conceived from their donation. Okay, so my first point of reference for this as a subject was to visit the HFEA website, which stands for the Human Fertilization Embryonic Authority.

SPEAKER_01 4:59

Nearly.

SPEAKER_04 4:59

Yep. Embryology.

SPEAKER_01 5:02

Oh, yeah. Close enough. Embryonic.

SPEAKER_04 5:07

Whatever. Um, and this information that they share on the FHEA website is specifically aimed at sperm, egg, or embryo donors who have had an adult conceived from their donation who then apply to them for identifying information about their donor. So is this people post 2005? Let me tell you. This is what I'm gonna tell you includes donors who donated after 2005 when donor anonymity was lifted, as well as donors who donated between 1991, the 1st of August 1991, and the 31st of March 2005, and have chosen to remove their donor anonymity. So I'm gonna just throw some key facts out initially before we sort of dive into some questions that I have for you. Um if, when, and how contact is made will ultimately be decided by the person conceived from the sperm donor's donation. So it's not up to the donor to reach out to their donor.

SPEAKER_01 6:32

I get what you're saying. It's essentially like a donor bumble and it's the woman reaches out first. This is the donor-conceived person's reaching out first. Correct, Amondo. Okay, yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_04 6:46

They, as the donor, are not legally obligated to respond to any contact from the donor-conceived person. They don't have to make contact with them if they do not wish to. Key fact that I wanted to uh read out to you both before diving straight in is um which I found was quite quite interesting, is that the donor can apply for information on how many children were born from their donation.

SPEAKER_02 7:16

No way, hold on.

SPEAKER_04 7:17

What sorry, wait, wait, wait, wait, because that's more as well as the sex and their year of birth.

unknown 7:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 7:33

So these are people who were conceived after 1991. So if anyone donated after 1991, they can go to HFEA and ask for the download script of oh, okay, I've got this many kids, the X amount boys, X amount girls.

SPEAKER_04 7:52

Correct.

SPEAKER_02 7:53

That's really lovely.

SPEAKER_01 7:55

So, well, it is uh yeah, it is really lovely because I guess you would want like you'd be intrigued for that information.

SPEAKER_04 8:03

Well, you might be, but you might not be.

SPEAKER_01 8:05

No, and once you have that information, like it's a shame we don't have the stats on who then goes on to make contact after they found that out.

SPEAKER_04 8:16

Yeah, well, look, we don't have the stats, but we do have some very helpful do's and don'ts. Let's do it! But I wanna I was thinking when I was writing all of this down and I was like researching for this episode, I was thinking about something that came up for us, I think, in episode four, when we were talking about the Facebook sperm. Yeah. Because I think that we should circle back to that just very, very quickly, just briefly, because we need to talk about the legal rights around what it looks like when it comes to donating sperm outside of a licensed fertility clinic. Because we didn't actually mention this at all in episode four, at least I don't think that we did. But using a licensed fertility clinic means you will have no legal rights or responsibilities to children conceived from your donation. You'll have absolutely zero say over their upbringing and won't be required to pay anything towards their care. However, if you donate outside of a licensed clinic, the situation is way, way, way more complicated. As you actually could be considered the legal father of any children conceived from your donation. Whoa. Shut up. Because it's uh an illegal way of doing it.

SPEAKER_02 9:38

Well, it's essentially exactly the same as someone having a one-night stand, coming back from a night out, getting together with a bloke, ends up having a kid. It happens, right?

SPEAKER_04 9:48

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 9:49

And and then that woman saying, Well, you're the legal father, so what are you gonna do about it? It's exactly the same.

SPEAKER_04 9:57

Yeah, and I just suddenly, when I was like looking into all this, I was like, Oh, we hadn't even considered that when we were talking about the Facebook sperm in that episode. Stop it!

SPEAKER_02 10:09

No way.

SPEAKER_04 10:11

Well, um, I'm gonna just throw out a question for you both. So, if you were to put yourself in the shoes of a donor, what do you think some things might be that you need to think about when it would come to having that initial contact with your potential donor-conceived child?

SPEAKER_01 10:39

So what I if I'm in the shoes of a donor, right? Yeah, and I've donated, I think what tends to be the first sort of question, I'm basing this not really on anything solid, just what I've heard. I think the main point of concern that donors have is like, what will they want from me? So I think that's what stops a lot of donors from making contact, because they worry about like a sinister aspect in a way, of which I'm not really sure what the sinister aspect could actually be if it's done through a regulated clinic, um, because they don't have any legal rights or responsibilities. But because it's not discussed properly, I think there's always that worry, or people will might think, do they want to make contact because they want money from me? Again, just not a possibility, but not um covered enough for them. But if I was doing it from not like a uh what's the word I'm trying to find? Not sinister, from a um if I was coming from it from not from like a cynical angle, I would say maybe, you know, if I knew I had a health condition, or after I'd donated, my mum or dad had dementia that was quite possibly going to be run down in the family, or a form of cancer that, you know, I'd know that offspring would have a chance of inheriting. I I would like to think that I would feel sort of a moral obligation to poke it a bit further to see if I could pass that information on at least.

SPEAKER_04 12:30

Yeah, couldn't agree more. Gemma, what are your thoughts? You're in agreement there.

SPEAKER_02 12:34

I imagine that a lot of it would come down to curiosity because now this is based on research that I've done for other episodes, future episodes. It just seems that there's quite a common theme of guys who have donated sperm before they have their own families, like whether they're students or they were single Pringles, whatever, but you know, that they've got to their 40s, 50s, 60s, and then thought, I wonder if it was ever used, or I wonder how many children are walking around. Like there's this, I can't remember where the article was. I think it was on the Donor Conceive Network, maybe. But this guy, and I'll I'll find it and I'll link it in the notes and things. I remember reading that this guy had his, he donated in the UK and in Australia, and then went about his life, and then had his own three kids, got married, three kids, whatever, raised them, and then through loving and nurturing and cherishing his own kids and seeing how awesome they were, he was like, I wonder how many others are out there, like my kids, you know. And I think there's always, I wonder if it's kind of like how we went around the place that Helen. I know you had this where you would watch TV or a film or something, and then think like, I look like him or whatever. I wonder if some donors have the same paternal instinct that they didn't have initially, but becoming fathers themselves, like for their own families, that they now think, Oh god, I my view has changed completely. I have some children walking around. Yeah, that's really sort of like connection where you're like, I feel like I need to know that they're okay.

SPEAKER_04 14:31

Coming it from, I mean, I guess that coming from it from a more like holistic perspective. And I think it's really interesting that you said that because I want to read something that is specifically written on the HFEA website about this. And it says, if you decide you might like to have an ongoing relationship with the person conceived from your donation, you might need to consider having a conversation with your friends and your family about the following. Do you want them to meet the people who are important to you? Do you want to meet the people who are important to them? How might you and your donor conceive child or children connecting with each other affect your family as well as you? And all of the top things that pop up in terms of like what are some of the things you need to consider are really sort of mental health-based, actually, which I was sort of surprised by, but also it was like quite lovely to see. The first one being uh it's really nice. It says you're likely to go through many different emotions. Anxiety, curiosity, and excitement may all play a part. Much of what you feel may depend on your own circumstances and whether your close family are aware that you donated sperm, eggs, or embryos in the past. Um, and after getting information about you, the donor can see person may decide to take their time. This is an important one, may decide to take their time before contacting you, if at all, or they may contact you straight away. And that's also something for the donor, for the donor that they have to consider because the FHEA will reach out to them to say this person would like to contact you. We've had to give them your information, and then that person could go months, maybe years, almost sort of waiting to hear from an individual, yet perhaps never hear from them. So that's also something to think about and consider, which I certainly hadn't.

SPEAKER_02 16:30

From 1991, the world changed so much in donor conception and the ethics, and that's really lovely. It's just a shame that we just missed out by like no. Six months, six months, yeah. Life altering as a result, it's really wild. Do you know what I wondered earlier today? Was okay, Helen, you were we say, put on ice. We're assuming that's what happened because mum and dad wanted another one. So our doctor, who I think it's I think we're okay to say, not his name, but he was very instrumental in the UK with the ethical side of things. So it's really nice to know that the doctor who was part of our conception um was planning ahead ethically, ethically.

SPEAKER_04 17:29

Ethically, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:30

Ethically. So I wonder how many other patients who said, yeah, we want to come back and maybe used our sperm donor, but they had children born after you, Helen.

SPEAKER_01 17:44

I always think about that because it's only yeah, because so I'm February 1991, but this law change was August 1991. That's not much of a difference at all. That's people still in the same. I don't know why I'm talking about this when I'm like 35. That's people in the same school year as me. But it is though, and I do I there must be people on it, but again, it's like have they been told yet or not? And is it just a matter of waiting for them to be told or to find out, and then they can contact the HFEA? And we just need one to be on the HFEA thingamajigami. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is interesting, although I mean, arguably, and we've this is not the time to say it, is it? I was gonna donor we do know who our donor is, but this is not the right cliffhanger moment to do that.

SPEAKER_04 18:44

Well, well, actually, I'm gonna do a true or false situation. I want you to true for false.

SPEAKER_03 18:52

Yes. My name was Smokey McPhee.

SPEAKER_01 19:00

I'm gonna do a true or force.

SPEAKER_03 19:04

Fuck sorry.

SPEAKER_01 19:07

Oh my god, that's brought me such joy. True or force.

SPEAKER_04 19:13

Um if you're becoming a sperm, egg, or embryo donor, you're actually able to provide a personal description and a goodwill message to help potential parents and any children conceived know more about you as a person, true or false. True, true, true. I didn't bloody know that, but how gorgeous is that? Oh, carry on.

SPEAKER_01 19:42

So I went to a donor-conceived like group meetup once in London, and I met a girl there who fell into the category of being able to apply for the identifying information, and she showed me what her identifying information was, and it's from how you've just described it, sounds glorious. From what she had on her sheet of paper, utter wank. Excuse the Freudian slip there, but she just had like brown hair, blue eyes, likes to go on walks, and that was it. So it was literally just filling in a couple of boxes, and she and her point was like, you know, it's almost like what's the point?

SPEAKER_04 20:38

Yeah, that's it. Just don't bother.

SPEAKER_01 20:40

Yeah, yeah. So I think it depends on who was doing it. Obviously, if that's used in the correct manner, great.

SPEAKER_04 20:49

Yeah, that's the thing. And I think that well, there are two ways in which you can they've said on the HFEA website that you can do it, and the goodwill is got nice descriptors of what they actually should be, which I'm gonna read out. It says the goodwill message should be a personal message for any children born from a donation. Whilst the goodwill message is designed for the children born from your donation, it is also to be read by their parents when they are choosing a donor.

SPEAKER_00 21:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:22

So I think how do you know how old this individual was, Helen? Like, not much younger than me. So maybe that's when this was first introduced and not that.

SPEAKER_04 21:33

Maybe it was more of a like tick box exercise rather than like really kind of an optimal.

SPEAKER_02 21:39

Sorry, yeah. Maybe maybe they didn't trust the process yet because it was still so new. And people had only just started giving information, so they're on the fence, they're like, shit, I really need the cash, but I also don't want to tell you about me because I don't know what repercussions are gonna come about yet.

SPEAKER_04 22:00

Totally.

SPEAKER_01 22:01

Have you got any examples of like a goodwill message then?

SPEAKER_04 22:04

I have. And here's one of them. I made the decision to donate because I wanted to give someone the opportunity to experience the joy of parenthood. I hope you are happy and healthy and that you know you were brought into this world with the best intentions. Embrace who you are and live life to the fullest.

SPEAKER_01 22:23

Oh my god, that's so nice.

SPEAKER_02 22:25

I've been more bitterly jealous than all my life. Like, imagine how lovely these children are now to be given a message like that.

SPEAKER_04 22:36

And that, like, I guess that one focuses more on like motivation and hope, but but some of them aren't quite like that, and more of them do focus on sort of no, no, they're still lovely. Some of them like focus more on personality and hobbies, like this one.

unknown 22:50

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 22:51

I'm an I'm an easy-going person who loves spending time outdoors, hiking and playing guitar. I've always been a curious person, and I hope you have that same passion for learning. I hope you have a wonderful life and a loving family. Also nice.

SPEAKER_01 23:07

That's also nice. If I was gonna pick out of the two, I'd go for the first bloke, personally.

SPEAKER_04 23:12

Would you go for the third bloke that I'm about to read out? I wish you all the best in your life. I'm proud to have helped your family, and I hope you know that you are special.

SPEAKER_01 23:22

Oh, I didn't love that.

SPEAKER_04 23:25

Oh, did you not? No.

SPEAKER_03 23:28

You did. Probably was it because it was too emotional? Or no?

SPEAKER_01 23:35

Well no, too like I thought it was just a bit, yeah. Yeah, exactly. After the deed's done, then I'll put that on the word. No, don't really mean it. Filled the box. Had to write something. Yeah, that felt insincere to me.

SPEAKER_04 23:53

Okay, well the last one.

SPEAKER_02 23:56

Oh go on, go on, Jim. Yeah, I was just gonna say, like, I think any of them where there's a reminder that, you know, it's it's a difficult situation how donor can see people came into the world, but the bottom line is that if we're all bloody lucky the fact that we're so loved and wanted.

SPEAKER_04 24:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:14

And that's the takeaway from it, really, isn't it? And it's just really nice if a donor acknowledges that as well. It just seems like it's coming from the right place from them.

SPEAKER_01 24:27

Um can I just interrupt? Okay, I feel like we're in a really weird twilight matrix zone where Gemma and I have swap personalities. Sorry, and I'm being really like angry at the system of like fuck that guy saying the nice things, and Jem was being really like empathetic and understanding about it.

SPEAKER_04 24:59

Well, those were examples of goodwill messages, okay. But the personal description, which I think sounds a little bit more down the route that the lady who you met at that donor-conceived conference had received, sounds a little bit more like what she sort of had, perhaps. But the personal description should give the person reading it a feel for you as a person, and they say it's helpful for potential parents to get an idea of who you are and what you are like, and it can be helpful when parents have to explain to their child that they are donor-conceived. Many parents and donor-conceived people have commented on how valuable and important this information is to them.

unknown 25:44

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 25:44

So I do wonder if now, you know, if you were saying that that lady was a similar age to us, I do wonder if kind of over the past decade or the last five years it's become a much larger part of when you are handing over your d. I mean, I don't know if there's like any research on this at all, but I do wonder if when an individual finds out that they are donor-conceived, if the people that actually want to journey through the world of discovering who their donor is come from a background where they have had a difficult relationship with a parent who has brought them up.

SPEAKER_00 26:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 26:27

And I wonder if, you know, some people find out that they're donor-conceived but have a really, really positive and like amazing relationships with both like mum and dad, and it that they just never want to find out because why should they? Like it doesn't it if they're not bothered about you know finding out about their heritage, etc. Yeah like why why would they?

SPEAKER_02 26:51

Because we want them to, because then they then they could be one of us. Well no, fuss.

SPEAKER_01 26:58

Like, do you guys want to find more siblings for the purposes of the podcast and not sounding like a complete bitch? Yeah, of course I want to find more from like my own selfish head. Oh my god, I'm tired. I like think it's really it would be difficult because it's quite hard to, you know, it's it's like discovering a whole new part of yourself, and like I really like I really like it as it is, but also of course, if anybody matches, join us, but like yeah, at the same time, you know, when you're like, oh yeah, another one, do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_04 27:51

I completely like hear you, and I also from like a very um selfish perspective, I think I would be like I am so obsessed with you both, I feel like I wouldn't want anyone else to come into this circle. But that's you know, obviously I'm joking, and like I think the more the merrier. Oh no, honestly, the more the merrier. Do you know what I would like to find? A brother. That's what I would like to find. Would love to find a brother. Obviously, if there are sisters, bring them in, join the party. But like, I have always grown up and like craved like a brotherhood. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:43

Oh I've always I always wish that I had a big brother growing up.

SPEAKER_01 28:49

Yeah, always wish I had a big brother. Do you know what I think is weird? Is that is that a normal thing for people to feel? Or is that a weird like uh universe pull? Like, I know we've kind of touched on this before, but we all individually had stuff when we were younger of like Gemma was convinced she was adopted for a while. I was convinced that King Charles was my dad for a while. So niche. But I think there's um, do you always wish you would have had a brother, or is the universe telling you you do have a brother as a subconscious thing? Do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 29:34

Shall I do like a bit of a deep dive into the psychology of that? And then oh my god, but let's like get a psychic shit the bed, Helen. Oh my god, please, we can get one to join.

SPEAKER_04 29:48

Oh please, I would fucking love that.

SPEAKER_02 29:53

Can we do that as the next one? If any listeners can recommend, like actually, like properly legit recommend someone who they have used and they've been like they're bang on the money there. All right.

SPEAKER_01 30:07

Can I just say we've like taken such pride in being scientifically correct with everything and doing all the research now? We're like, let's go to psychic. And if anyone could recommend some crystals and a good shop for some sage at the same time. But seriously, if anyone has actually had a decent psychic experience, send it our way just out of interest. Because we don't have any records to trace, but we want to know how many are out there.

SPEAKER_04 30:45

Perfect.

SPEAKER_02 30:47

And yeah.