Season 1: The Good, the Bad, and the Holy

We made it through a whole season of A Messy Amen, and before we dive deeper into Season 2, we’re taking a minute to look back.
Season 1 was thirteen episodes of real people telling the truth about the hard stuff. The stuff most of us only ever carry in private. In this recap, we’re revisiting some of the moments that have stuck with me long after the mics turned off.
We talked about forgiveness we thought we’d already done, and the chains we didn’t know we were still dragging around. We talked about walking through cancer four separate times, and the anxiety that piled on after, and how gratitude and fear cannot live in the same breath. We talked about being told your whole life that you’re “too much,” and finding out God calls it the right amount. We talked about gratitude, and turning a whole crate of lemons into something you can actually drink.
We laughed. We cried. Sometimes in the same five minutes.
Nobody came on with a tidy little story where faith made all the hard parts painless, because that is not real life. This is the stuff we wouldn’t choose ourselves, but God can use for good. The good, the bad, and the holy parts, every bit of it.
If a guest or a moment meant something to you, go back and listen to the full episode. And if you’re brand new here, this is the perfect place to start before Season 2 rolls on.
God made you on purpose and for a purpose. I’m so glad you’re here.
You are not alone here. 🙏
Read the full Season 1 recap on Substack: [https://substack.com/@amessyamenpod] Watch every episode on YouTube: [https://www.youtube.com/@AMessyAmenPod] Mugs, journals, bookmarks, and the “You’re not alone here” shirts: amessyamenpod.com Come say hi: @amessyamenpod

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

Life isn't always Sunday best. Sometimes your faith is put to the test. If you feel unseen and all alone, it's time for stories you've never known.

SPEAKER_10 0:12

The the major scripture I stood on during that time was Jeremiah 29, 11. For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to give you hope in the future because I felt like I had lost hope. I was still serving Jesus, but I was looking for identity. I was struggling with joy. I wasn't going to walk away from God because I knew God had saved my life and I knew He had fathered me. I didn't know to go backwards for me was death. I knew it. It's death. So going forward, that's the only way I knew to go. But I felt stuck. My joy was lacking. Purpose was lacking. So I just tried to crawl my way forward, cry my way forward. There were many nights where I just cried myself, cried myself to sleep, and and sometimes that was two years after, three years after, and just cried of what heck what could have been. And they said, What else did you want to do? And I said, Well, I wanted to speak. And they said, Okay. The next day they showed up with a set of business cards and handed me those business cards and said, Go do it because you're miserable. The other thing was my wife walks in one day and says, You're miserable. And she says, I want my husband back. And I said, What do you mean you want me back? I'm right here. And she says, You're not the man I marry. You have no joy and you have no passion. You're a passionate, joyful person, Brian Pruitt. And she says, You weren't all American for everybody else. I need you to be one for me now. I need you to get up. And so I'll never forget that moment. It was that moment for, you know, it was one of those moments where you realized I married the right person. Yeah. And so I got up. I started speaking. You're gonna love this one. So uh I I I I once spoke at a national Jewish rabbi conference. What? Yeah, yeah. I know what you're thinking. You don't think it. You don't even have to say it. I can see it in your eyes, but yeah. You I I know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 2:22

What did you say to them?

SPEAKER_10 2:26

This is what I asked the guy when he invited me. He says, Well, you're so he was a Jewish rabbi. We have become really good friends. And literally, we have become such good friends. We started studying the Bible together for about a year or two. And uh man, we didn't always agree on things, but we we studied the word together. He became the head of a national Jewish conference. And he goes, I want you to come and speak at this conference. And I said, Who's there? And he says, Oh, it's Jewish rabbis tomorrow. I said, I have nothing to say to Jewish rabbis. And he goes, Of course you do. They're just dads. Come and talk to them about fatherhood. And I said, Oh, okay. Well, when he gets up, he he he he introduces me and he basically says that um that there was an African American Gentile who was going to speak that day. Now, I'm looking around the room like, there's an African American Gentile in this room? Of course, I you know, I am the only African in the room, but but I really never can say that I've seen a gentile. I guess I look at one every morning when I'm in the mirror. I'm looking around going, African American gentile? What in the world? Because I want to see another person that looks like me in the building, period, right? And and then he goes, ladies and gentlemen, my friend Brian Prue, and I'm going, Oh, it's me. We had a great time, but it was funny, and most people would ask, Well, how did you end up speaking at a Jewish rabbi conference?

SPEAKER_05 3:57

So when I was in San Francisco and I was out and about that day with some friends, and I asked the Lord for a word, just uh something to highlight my day, something that I could look for. And I saw a blue hat, just a plain dark blue hat. And I was like, okay, is it is that like too simple? Or like does it you know, I just was like, okay, whatever. I feel like a little kid here on a treasure hunt. But um looked for it throughout my whole day, didn't see one dark blue hat. And I go home and I'm about to go into my apartment, and right outside on the street, there was a woman, an unhoused woman with a um with a dark blue hat, and it had no symbol, nothing. It was just exactly what I had seen in my mind earlier that day. And I told God, I was like, I am so tired, I don't want to go. I like I'm done, I'm checked out for the day. Why did you have to bring her right now? And I'm like not ready. And um the the Lord just draws us with his love. It's just so beautiful. There's always more, you know, with the Lord. There's always more grace, there's always more. So I was like, okay, let's do this. So I I uh turn around, go over to her, and I say, Hey, how are you doing? I I like your your blue hat. And she's like, Oh, well, it's awful. Today's my birthday, and uh the police just stole my drugs. I was like, oh man, um, well, sometimes God works in mysterious places. But can I buy you some ice cream at the corner store? So she's like, Yeah, this is the best day ever. Bought her like a couple ice creams and different things from the corner store, and she was like, Wow. And I was like, Wow, God knew her birthday was today. And when I took a moment to say, God, like, I love you, like highlight someone to me, he showed me her, the blue hat, you know. And so since then, you know, I saw her around the city, and we always had a special relationship.

SPEAKER_11 6:21

The important thing is that you like it. I think when you learn to like yourself and learn to like who God made you to be, then you don't feel like you have to go to that hidden man's parent. You can just stay in your lane and go the speed limit and be you, and you'll be happier because people will come and go, people's opinions come and go. And I'm not perfect, I've got flaws. I mean, I was just gonna say, I don't think anyone really thinks I'm perfect. It's pretty easy to see that I am not perfect. I'm far from it. But I think that there are some people who come from other experiences, they come from other churches, and they've had that mindset with their pastor's wife or their pastor because they maybe they portrayed that image, and they get to know Kurt and I real quick and they realize we're just like everyone else.

SPEAKER_01 7:05

And I have to remember to there's a there's an understanding in ministry as it is in the circles with doctors and any any people-intensive thing, there is an understanding called compassion fatigue. And compassion fatigue is you give, give, give, give, give, care, care, care, care, care, care, care, and you can do that for a long time. But then all of a sudden, you don't have any more to give. And you wake up in the morning and you're ready to go, and by mid-morning you're going, Well, I just I I gotta I'm just gonna push through this, and you push through, and you you begin to act the way you need to, but the heart is on fast drain to the point where you're not able to you come to a point where I'll tell you where it happened for me. I was coming home from a missions project in Honduras, and I got on the plane, and I'm normally um I'm I'm jumping around in a gorilla costume in 100-degree high humidity, and I'm just loving every minute of it because I know I'm I'm like the Pied Piper bringing people to hear the gospel. And the kids come out of the woodwork and they just grab onto your hands and they run down the street with you, and you bring them in for them to hear the gospel, and you dance with them, and you climb trees, and you just you're crazy with them. They get to hear the gospel, and I get to see peel off the gorilla suit in a bus, looking out the window, seeing the gospel be shared, and seeing come to Jesus. Go, that's what it's all about, you know. And sometimes that's the roll is flipped and the gorilla's not there, and I'm sharing. Whatever the case may be, that's where the energy was. But I got on the plane and I began looking at all of these people coming out of Honduras, and I began to think things that I didn't ever think before. Oh, these people aren't listening. They're really never going to change. Uh you're exhausted. Why are you doing this? And I began to I began to feel this sense of emptiness. I could on the outside, I could sit right next to the person and talk with me about what what had happened and how cool it was, and even talk to a national sitting next to me, not have an issue with that. But inside I'm going, oh, I'd be glad when they stop talking. Don't ask me one more question. Don't give me one more thing to do because I can't do another thing. That's a pretty easy question for me. Um I won't talk about the marriage side of that. We'll just leave that as it'll just talk about the ministry side of it. But um the on the ministry side of it, there is a natural tendency for most people to enter into any job, a role of responsibility, to try to prove to themselves and prove to whoever hired them that they have what it takes. Okay, it's a natural tendency. We may not say it out loud, but we want to give it our very best. Anyone enters into a role of responsibility, job, whatever it is, that doesn't have that, they're not really entering into the job to do the work, they're just getting a paycheck. Okay. That's not ministry. I work first for the Lord, he's the one that provides my paycheck, he's the one that provides the opportunity. So I work for him, so he gets my very best, always has. I have a little block on my office and the desk that says uh that sign your work with excellence. And I I try to do everything I do to do my very, very best. And the problem in ministry is that would you agree to this statement that God deserves 110%? Okay. I did too. There's nowhere in scripture nowhere in scripture that says he wants 110% from you. He just wants your best. And he knows it's broken, he knows it's not gonna be the best, he knows you're gonna fail, he knows that you're gonna miserably mess up, yet he still loves you and accepts you, calls you and pursues you and wants relationship with you. Going into ministry, you don't see it that way. Yeah, you see it in a different light. And if you have a perfectionist mentality, which I did, I viewed it as a badge that I wore.

SPEAKER_02 11:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:25

That, wow, I'm a perfectionist. I really want things done well.

SPEAKER_02 11:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:29

Okay. Now that sounds great. On the outside, saying that to people, it says, boy, they're really committed to do their very best.

SPEAKER_04 11:36

The problem is Unless you can't live up to your own standards.

SPEAKER_01 11:39

It's not just my own standards. It's at the end of the day who is smiling. And that is a battle that is a lifelong challenge. Recognizing anger in healthy ways and responding wisely rather than reacting to it destructively.

SPEAKER_04 11:54

Um could you have told me that yesterday?

SPEAKER_01 11:57

Yeah, that's the challenge. Anger is the lowest form of human response to anything. It's the lowest form. When people explode, it's the lowest form of communication, it's the lowest form of physical response. Being controlled in that takes time to be managed right. But if you are aware of the fact that you're struggling with depression or anxiety, and your natural response to everybody is anger or or um or shortness, which is really anger disguised. It's putting off your response because you don't have any more to give. That's really what that is. And I I've given all I can, and I can only give you a short response because if I go anymore, I'm gonna explode. Um that may be human, but that's all it is. It's certainly not a God response.

SPEAKER_04 12:49

Called for more.

SPEAKER_01 12:50

And we're we're called to do better than that, but that weighs heavy on somebody who's struggling with depression. So training yourself to recognize that anger is not the response that we want to have, it's a reaction to something bigger, and you gotta figure out what you're reacting to and work on that.

SPEAKER_08 13:13

So when I was a kid, I had faith. And then growing up, I had lost it. When I was going through a lot of the stuff that I had gone through, I had some of that faith in me. Not like the faith that I do today. But going through it, I still didn't know how things were gonna turn out. I didn't pray. And so I still left it up to God. And I had no idea how things were gonna turn out. And I I really just didn't think. I didn't feel, I didn't know how things were going to end up. Well, one of the biggest turning points of that part in my life was I was held at gunpoint and kidnapped by a rival club, and I was tortured, and I was severely scarred, not just physically, but mentally. I was able to free myself, and when I later got back to the club, um, I won't go into detail, but I was I ended up partaking in things that I shouldn't have after the fact to seek out retribution. And I never got in trouble for it, but I committed a lot of sins. And I I feel like I paid the ultimate price because I I did a lot of bad to bad people, and I always judge myself for that.

SPEAKER_02 15:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 15:51

I remember Pastor Kurt having a beautiful sermon.

unknown 15:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 15:58

It just from that point on I wanted more. And I've never had that want before. And that was what was truly beautiful about it. That's exactly what it was. And I I received a text message from one of my friends at the time, and it just said, God puts the strongest warriors through the most crap. And it hit me because I hadn't heard that before. And it resonated with me. And just because of all the trials and tribulations that I've been through in my life, but it still didn't bring me to the point where I needed. And then I found my now fiancee, Christina.

SPEAKER_03 17:03

Right, so they always talk about how important it is to have the foundation of God and church um and and fellowship and in your life with recovery.

SPEAKER_04 17:18

Like that's godly friends are not gonna put you in those situations.

SPEAKER_03 17:22

Correct. Yeah. Okay, so say somebody is just I you know, either in the thriller was in it, and and I saw the title of the book, and I would love to tell you the title, and I tried to, but nobody's home to tell me, but I did write it down, and then I called my mom and my dad, and they um they were like, wow, that is so good and so beautiful, and that is definitely God, and that is definitely a way to get your testimony out. So I know, you know, when you have parents that are like that that can that can you just know when you have when you have people in your life that that tell you that, and then I had people in the church literally say, Hey, when are you gonna write a book? I had about three people after that, that three to five people after that that had asked me, Hey, when are you gonna write a book? And I was like, this is God's confirmation for me. I just knew without a shadow of a doubt that that was 100% my confirmation, and I just hadn't started until recently when I couldn't find a job, and this woman in in our church was like, Hey, when are you gonna start writing a book? And um, and I was praying and praying, and I was like, Hey, God, I don't know what else to do. You know, I just know that you're gonna provide. And then one day this woman said, Alyssa, when are you gonna start writing your book? And I finally said, I I just started, and she said, That's exactly what I wanted to hear. And I was like, I had this God moment, right? And it was like, that's what you needed to do. Like, I will provide now, you know, not not now, but you get what I'm saying. Like, I just knew that that that was kind of what God was waiting on. Like, he's been waiting on me to do this thing for him. It wasn't about me, yeah, it was about him, and and so he he gave me this this prophetic dream and and profound dream, and he was waiting on me to carry that out. And so now that's what I'm doing, and now everybody knows because that's crazy that you had that question.

SPEAKER_04 19:48

I was supposed to do my silly icebreaker.

SPEAKER_03 19:50

I know, like it was that's so crazy.

SPEAKER_07 19:57

So I had come back to God after years of not be having a relationship with God, and I was really just wondering, like, am I doing the right thing? You know, like I don't know if I really believe this yet, and if I like I'm still questioning. And one night I was going through like books on my bookshelf, and I had found an old Bible I had as a kid. It was my first ever Bible that I was ever bought. It had like my name engraved on it, and I was just flipping through it and I had set it down. Well, the next day I was going through my living room and I looked down at the Bible, and I don't remember leaving it open, but it was open to Psalms 84.

unknown 20:42

What?

SPEAKER_07 20:43

Yeah, and I just remember reading it, and even though like I it was a King James Version, and I'm it's hard a little harder for me to understand the King James Version at some parts, just with all the ths and the hows and everything, but even with there being a little bit of a language barrier there, I had absolutely like goosebumps, like every hair on my body stood straight up, and I was like, okay.

SPEAKER_04 21:09

So, what phrase in the first um couple verses?

SPEAKER_07 21:12

Um what part of it with my whole being body and soul, I will shout joyfully to the living about God. And I mentioned this the other night at a women's group. Um, I know before, like in even at the beginning of me like coming to Grace, I would say things like, I know God's sick and tired of hearing me apologize again. You know, there's gotta be a limit to this at some point, you know? Um, but knowing what I know now and like going through what I've gone through in the last few, like m like last month or so, even like for one, no, there's not. There's not ever too much, thankfully. Um, but to think because God knows the beginning, middle, and end of this race. Right? And to think that he didn't take into account every single time we'd hit a shell or a banana peel, because you're still using your Mario Kart reference. And it you to think he wouldn't know where every single one of those things were placed and take account for them when he made that ultimate sacrifice is selling him short.

SPEAKER_06 22:29

So just to put an explanation. Yeah, there was like there was a movement happening. Like it was like tangible. You could feel it. Um he made the joke that I was clueless. So that's that's besides that's hilarious. So I see this girl go up, and like for me, when I know that something's like happening, my body gets like really warm, like really hot, and I like get kind of like antsy. So I just I saw her and I just sat there and I'm like, whatever, it's probably not for me. So I'm just gonna like leave it. So then I just stood there and I kept rocking back and forth. I thought I'm in it, and like Kelly's leading, and all the things, and I look up and I'm still see her there, and I said, Okay, God, if her shoulders move forward and I see that she's crying, then you need to send me. And I shut my eyes and I opened them back up, and sure enough, her shoulders were forward and she like her body was physically moving, and I was like, Okay, God, yes, I will say yes. So then I went up to her and I said, Can I pray for you? And she was like, Yeah. I said, What do you need prayer for? And she said nothing. And I was like, Okay, I don't know where to go with this, but okay. So I shut my eyes and I'm like, okay, God, you come into my mind and you speak through my lips. Anything that that is gonna be spoken is not of me, it's only of you, it's gonna glorify you and honor you. So use me the way that you need me. And then I can't tell you what the crap I said. Truly, like I had no idea what I said, but obviously that wasn't oops, that wasn't for me though. That that was solely for Elizabeth. I'm sorry. Screwing this up, my bad. That clearly wasn't for me, it was for Elizabeth. Um, and so I said whatever needed to be said. Um, and there was a moment that was like chilling for me in such a really, like a really cool way. Of she took a deep breath and exhaled and literally just like stopped. And I was like, wow, God, like, what did you just do? Like, I'm saying this all in my head. And he's like, There's relief, like there's there's something melting off of her, the shackles are breaking, and then she's not gonna pick it back up. Because that's like one thing that I always try and tell the students is like in a moment that Elizabeth displayed so boldly and so courageously, all of us should be inspired by that because it's like you go to the altar to surrender to Jesus, um, and we have the boldness to do that, but sometimes we forget that we need to allow the chains to fall and the shackles to break off of us, and that we need to leave it there and walk away. But we don't humble ourselves enough and we pick it back up and we put them back on and we wear them as a badge of honor of like, I struggle with this, and this is my story. It's like that doesn't have to be it though. And so, like, I felt that for Elizabeth, and like that that was the coolest stinking thing. And then look up and like we're continuing on with service, and I'm like, oh crap. And so I saw you and you were like, We have to like get up. And I was like, Do you need help up, Elizabeth? She's like, Yeah, I can't feel my legs. I said, Okay, great. And so we think we got her up, but it was it was such a beautiful, powerful moment. It was it was incredible to be a part of. I was so thrilled that God made that happen.

SPEAKER_00 25:43

The second surgery was um the first one they gave when they they had to saw me open, they had to pull all my organs out of my body, freeze them, and uh drain all the blood out of my body that was spurting all through my blu uh body because I was dissecting for over ten hours. No, over nine hours. Probably close to ten. Um that was the one with the snowstorm? That was the snowstorm one, and so they had to freeze my organs.

SPEAKER_04 26:08

So you should have bled out.

SPEAKER_00 26:09

Yeah, I should have been bled uh yeah, I should not be here today. There's no way. There is no way I could be here but God. There's no other way. There's none. You cannot survive an aortic dissection that long. It doesn't happen. It's not, it's not even like somebody could be writing a paper about you for the medical job. Yes, it's only a medical miracle. Like, literally, people from all around the world were messaging me um after they heard that I had one. So yeah, so um my gosh. Yeah, and uh it for me to survive that, and then they put an artificial valve on in me, but then the second surgery they had to go in and do another valve um repair to put on a full mesh over my heart and uh do some repairing that way, and so it's been a challenge, and then the paralysis happened and and that was after um four years later.

SPEAKER_04 27:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:11

And yes, they don't know how what caused those. And then I woke up paralyzed. So I was paralyzed, and my blood pressure was in the 200s, like high 200s. So I was having more seizures and strokes during that time. Um but the miracle of that story, if anyone believes in this or not, that's okay, because it's true. I when I died this time on the operating table, Jesus met me in a vision. And I got to see Jesus, and I got to see my little son that's in heaven. And he looked just like my other two boys. And um, my son spoke to me, uh huh, and Jesus was standing there, and you can't just you can't describe it like when you think about it. Um my son, he goes, You're the strongest woman I've ever known. You're my mom, and you're gonna make it, you're gonna be okay, and I'm okay, I'm doing well, and he kept talking. He's like, You can do this, mom. And then I'm gonna cry. It was so amazing. He kept talking to me, and he was so adorable. He looked just like my boys, but he was telling me, like, You're the strongest woman, you're the strongest mom, you know, and telling me that he's doing great and he's doing okay. So that was something that gave me closure in that moment, you know. And that was such a blessing. I'll never forget that. And then to see Jesus, and I'll never forget it. And um, I didn't get to go to heaven, though. And I believe God didn't take me to heaven because he knew I'm so stubborn, I would not gonna leave. So he wouldn't let me go up there. And I didn't have an out-of-body experience, I just had an intimate life isn't always Sunday best.

SPEAKER_04 28:55

Sometimes your faith is put to the test. If you feel unseen and all alone, it's time for stories you've never known. Let's find our hope and find our grace in this honest and welcoming space. You are known and you are not alone, my friend. Welcome to a messy amen.