EP 5- When Pigs Fly

Tonight on the Heroes Helpline!  Lisette is back help Ronald with a gardening problem, an Alchemist weighs in with some tea, and a provocateur, all help a captain of the guard! 

Music: Magic Tavern by Alexander Nakarada (https://www.creatorchords.com)

Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License

https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Medieval Library- https://tabletopaudio.com/

Frying pound impact-https://pixabay.com/

Transcript

SPEAKER_05 0:00

Whether you're watching in a witch's cauldron or listening on your scripad, it's time for the hero's helpline. Live from the town hall of Hubhaven. Here is your host. Unless he gets eaten by venomous plants. Ronald the Randy Wizard. Oh shit, uh Lissette, hit hit that plant with your your pin.

unknown 0:35

Yes, sorry.

SPEAKER_05 0:37

I love the new decor. That's not decor, they're trying to eat us.

SPEAKER_07 0:41

Oh, is that just a feature?

SPEAKER_05 0:43

Yeah. No, I don't know. Last week someone called in with plants and it got out of control.

SPEAKER_07 0:50

Lovely Ronnie, what a big You know, I I got an idea.

SPEAKER_05 0:56

Uh let me uh Oh, you hit it good. Alright, let me let me finish them off. Usually these are like large literally small here! No! I think I think we're okay. Anyone get bit? Illigad, Don, you guys good?

SPEAKER_03 1:15

Oh, I'm quite well, Randy. I was just admiring this particular specimen. You have quite the bladder wart on your hands here.

SPEAKER_05 1:26

Oh, is that what it was? It's kind of burnt now. Indeed. Oh, uh, Don, Don Leo, you okay? You didn't get bit? Oh, I'm fine.

SPEAKER_02 1:36

I dealt with bigger things and it's a little scorched, but I'll be fine. Oh good, okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:42

Whew.

SPEAKER_05 1:44

I. Oh. Oh! I think they're oh, I think the episode started. Uh uh. Welcome to the Heroes Helpline, everyone! I am Ronald the Randy Wizard, your host. Uh sorry had a bit of a hot start to say. Welcome everyone. We're the Heroes Helpline here to help the people of the world. That's right. Everyone and anyone can call on in and we'll help solve your problems, being mundane or fantastical here at the Heroes Helpline. Lissette, I know I asked you to come in to help us with this problem here with the plants. You want to stay for the episode while you're here?

SPEAKER_07 2:22

Well, of course I love to stay. It's always a good time with you, Ronald.

SPEAKER_05 2:25

Oh, thank you, Lisette. Everyone, everyone who's anyone in Hubhaven knows Lissette from the sneering hot hog the sneering the what? The sneering hedgehog? Is that what it's called? Indeed, indeed. I got there eventually.

SPEAKER_06 2:41

No worries. We made it fun just for the adventurers.

SPEAKER_05 2:45

You know, it sounds like you and I are uh coming down with that uh that uh illness that's been going around town.

SPEAKER_06 2:52

Yes. The adventurers do bring in everything these days.

SPEAKER_05 2:56

But fear not, because I have brought someone that hopefully can help us cure our illness. We have Eligald Nimcomput.

SPEAKER_03 3:05

Yes, hello, Randy. And nice to meet you, Lysant.

SPEAKER_07 3:09

Pledge is all mine.

SPEAKER_03 3:11

Ho ho ho, how sweet.

SPEAKER_05 3:12

Why don't you tell us about yourself? I mean, you are uh the one of the premier alchemists around. Oh, you flatter, you Randy.

SPEAKER_03 3:22

Yes, hello to the listeners out there. I am Elligald Incampart, family name. I am a traveling alchemist, hailing from the faraway cloud forest high in the Plutoon mountains. I seek to cure your ailments and collect fine specimens. I have, for instance, brewed a nice little tincture for the both of you. Should help cure up that little cough right quick. Have a sip.

SPEAKER_05 3:57

Why, why, thank you. I uh I will.

SPEAKER_03 3:59

Oh yes. Brood cow dung. Oh!

SPEAKER_05 4:06

I taste it! You know, we don't we don't get any Povimen up here. Is this a family recipe?

SPEAKER_02 4:17

Indeed.

SPEAKER_07 4:21

I really hope this works.

SPEAKER_05 4:23

Thank you, Elligal.

SPEAKER_03 4:25

There'll be more where that came from.

SPEAKER_05 4:28

We also have here, um Don Leo. What was that?

SPEAKER_02 4:34

Should we open a window?

SPEAKER_05 4:36

Well, you know, I don't think we ever repaired the window that that pigeon flew through a few episodes ago, so I think we're good. Really sure. Oh shoot, yeah. Um.

SPEAKER_07 4:46

I'll hit it again.

SPEAKER_05 4:47

Hit it again, make it make it get out of the way.

SPEAKER_07 4:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 4:52

Alright, there we go. We'll open some of the other windows that aren't broken. Also, we have Don Leo Valcazar. Now, I should actually say your full title.

SPEAKER_02 5:12

Ah, you asked me to speak of myself. A dangerous invitation, my friend. Uh my name, as you said, is Don Leo Valcassar.

SPEAKER_01 5:21

Uh, The Scarlet Provocation. I come from Salberea, a place where combat is not only survival, but it's performance. Where courage is not only measured in victory, but in presence. The reason I received the title The Scarlet Provocation comes from a day known as the Day of Twelve Horns. You see, it was supposed to be a day of celebration. But, you know, some beast broke loose from the town with nothing but my red cape. Precise work that I had. I had to provoke every single beast, had them focus on me as I circled and taunted them, I maneuvered them and I kept their attention while citizens escaped. And once the dust settled, those beasts had settled down, tired them out, citizens were safe and just single-handedly not a single injured citizen was left behind. And that is how I heard my name. Scarlet provocation. Because if you can't keep your beasts looking at you when people need to be saved, when it need to make their way to safety, what kind of a hero are you? It's not all slain. Sometimes you just need to make sure people get to safety.

SPEAKER_05 7:01

A distraction, yeah. You don't always have to kill everything, just distract them while people can run away. That's fair. Um, have you ever made a potion out of beast dung?

SPEAKER_03 7:16

Oh, I've made many a different potions and poultices out of all kinds of beast excrudents.

SPEAKER_05 7:24

Okay. Don't take anything else from Elligade. Got it. Alright. Well then, I think we it seems our magic mirror is flashing a bit and a little bit of humming, so I think we do have a caller on the line. Let me answer it. Let me just go down to the mirror.

SPEAKER_07 7:42

Oh, this would be so. Can you hear me?

SPEAKER_05 7:46

Hello there? You're on the hero's helpline. Yes, we can hear you. Hello.

SPEAKER_04 7:51

Oh god, something in this place is working. Wonderful! Hello, I'm a big fan of the shows and stuff.

SPEAKER_05 7:58

Oh, I'm glad to hear, thank you.

SPEAKER_04 8:00

Yeah. Yeah, I I can't lie. Up here in the fortress in the mountains, it gets very, very cold and boring. So sometimes we turn into the sky cast over a big pot of stew. It's very entertaining. We sometimes take bets on what's going to happen. I'm currently in debt.

SPEAKER_05 8:19

Oh, that well, that's not good. What uh part of the mountains are you from?

SPEAKER_04 8:23

Oh, god, yeah, sorry. I'm from a bit far ahead. Maybe I should introduce myself. The name is Valpord. I am uh currently one of the guard captains in the mountain fortress of Elsendorf.

SPEAKER_05 8:38

Alsendorf? Oh wow, you are pretty far away up there in the mountains. Now, Valpod?

SPEAKER_04 8:44

Yeah, Valpod, that's me.

SPEAKER_05 8:46

No last name, just Valpod?

SPEAKER_04 8:48

Yeah, the dwarves in my area were not big on last names. We don't really have the whole bloodline dynasty thing. They kind of tack our deeds onto our onto our names. My father was named Aishvan the Goat Stripper. Uh we do not speak much. Um, he also does not tell me how he got the name. But I'm going to claim ignorance is blissing.

SPEAKER_05 9:16

I I mean maybe we should get your father on the show soon.

SPEAKER_04 9:20

Okay, we have to get him. Okay, fine.

SPEAKER_05 9:22

Not not right now. Today we'll focus on you, Valpa. Do you have any deeds that you've done?

SPEAKER_04 9:27

Uh well, my captain of the guards clear has uh just started. It's been mad with a bit of uh hardship. I guess you could say it, you know, since we've the fortress is basically the biggest line of defense against, you know, the knoll armies and the necropolis on the occasional demon spawn. So uh I did kind of rip off an invasion with some help. I did kick a guy off the mountain. That was pretty cool.

SPEAKER_05 9:58

A guy or a knoll? Or a knoll, yeah, okay. Yeah. That that's pretty cool. So maybe maybe Volcott the Guy Kicker.

SPEAKER_04 10:08

Valpod the guy kicker sounds pretty good. Uh uh, there's that that would be good, yeah. I I think I'll try that one. Uh I will admit, one time when I was training, I flicked the guy in the temple. So I for a moment I thought I was going to be Valpod the Flicker, but then they kind of uh merged the L and the I together, and uh we tried to expunge that.

SPEAKER_05 10:35

Yeah, no, I think you made a good call there. Well well, Valpat, Valpot, what is your problem?

SPEAKER_04 10:40

So here's the thing. Um I thought this uh was going to be a lot more glamorous, you know, being the captain of the guard in uh Alsendorf. You know, I've I've dreamed of being a soldier my whole life. I started in the teen years as a latrine scraper, and then I've worked my way up to potato peeler, potato scraper, and uh latrine peeler. But uh eventually I got up and I'm like, okay, excellent. There's going to be some heroics. But it turns out um Elsendorf is going on some budget uh some budget issues, and uh we're not getting the best equipment. Now this came to a head uh just a few weeks ago. Um no sorry let me look at the calendar Oh for crying out loud, it's only Van Week! Fix the calendar, asshole! Anyway, um so about a week ago, we're trying to train this elite Valkyrie unit, you know. We got the armor, we got the spears and the shields and the swords on the We need the flying horses to make sure that we do the shock at all. Well, uh there was kind of a mix-up or a corner cut somewhere with trying to figure that out. Basically, instead of getting flying horses, we have a bunch of flying pigs.

SPEAKER_05 12:06

Oh.

SPEAKER_04 12:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 12:08

That could be a problem.

SPEAKER_04 12:10

Oh, yeah, that's a big problem. They don't have dressage for piggies, they're not graceful enough.

SPEAKER_05 12:16

Alright, alright. So you have a budget problem. I don't know that phrase. Oh, you don't know when pigs fly?

SPEAKER_07 12:26

Oh, don't mind, he's just a dwarf. He he it's that kind of thing.

SPEAKER_04 12:30

Oh, that's true. What does that mean? What do you mean, just a dwarf? I'm I'm sorry, I I think uh my magic mirror is a bit static if you mean.

SPEAKER_07 12:37

Oh, I I said nothing of the sort.

SPEAKER_05 12:40

No, i it's okay if you don't get the the turn of phrase as we say. Uh Don Leo is from. Where are you from, Don Leo?

SPEAKER_07 12:49

Elsendorfright?

SPEAKER_05 12:53

That's Vala. Don Leo's from I'm from Solbria. Solbryah, you know, they are very far apart. Oh, so you don't have the the pig jacking contest over there.

SPEAKER_02 13:04

Listen, listen, we've got pigs. We don't have flying horses. The issue is that you're gonna make those pigs legendary.

SPEAKER_04 13:13

Yeah, we're trying to do that, but uh the problem is they're turning very uh poorly. They get incredibly distracted. Somehow, I don't know how, but the fifth division, they dive right out of the sky if there's any promise of truffles on the ground. It makes training a nightmare.

SPEAKER_05 13:32

Wait, wait, you actually might be able to use that. Ellegald, Ellegald, you seem to have an interest in that type of earthly substance. Do you have any ideas how they could use the truffles to Valpod's advantage?

SPEAKER_03 13:45

Indeed. This might turn to be a boon for your people, Valpod. Those truffles will go for quite the price in the right places. I've been in that part of the world before. Your people make an excellent mushroom mead. And excellent.

SPEAKER_05 14:06

It's a good mead, yeah. We all love a good mead. Yeah. As long as there's no dung in the mead. There's no dung in the mead up there, right?

SPEAKER_04 14:16

They're trying, but it turns out pigs are incredibly hard to train, and sometimes they go they don't go to the proper toilet, right, place. You put the fence up, you said the sign it says piggies here only. So don't listen. As it turns out, like I said, you can't train pigs well.

SPEAKER_05 14:37

I don't think it's that you can't train pigs. I don't think you're training them the right way. You can train.

SPEAKER_04 14:44

What are we supposed to do if it's all this hay? So don't care for it. If I may interject. Of course. Or I interject, Mr. Man Lee Scarlet Man.

SPEAKER_02 14:54

Wallpod. I believe we have a solution for your truffles. Your pigs. Your flying pigs, you said.

SPEAKER_01 15:06

Dive into those truffles. Yeah. You do not stop the pigs from diving for truffles. You decide where the truffles are. Picture the battlefield. The enemy's line stand firm, expecting a charge from above. They watch the sky for wings, for horses, for anything predictable. Instead, you give the signal. A handful of truffles thrown with purpose, scattered like invitations across the enemy fronts. And then the pigs follow. As the truffles rain down from the sky, the pigs dive after the truffles. Towards the enemies. They plunge into the earth. Pounds of meat coming down after the truffles. Plunging towards your enemies.

SPEAKER_04 15:56

Oh my beard is getting moist just thinking about that. I like this. I like this a lot.

SPEAKER_01 16:02

Now is another problem.

SPEAKER_04 16:04

Yeah, the hay the the the the hay is a problem. Also, we got a bunch of armor that is horse shaped. We are kind of trying to, you know, stretch it out for pig shape. It's uh turns out it's a lot harder to deforge armor than it is to, you know, forge it.

SPEAKER_05 16:23

Well, you know, on that note, let's take a we'll we'll take a moment to think about that issue. We seem to solve maybe the pig problem. The armor problem is another thing. We'll take a break, we'll get an ad from one of our mini sponsors around Hubhaven, and we'll be back in a minute. So stay tuned. You got any more of that dung tea?

SPEAKER_07 16:44

Don't you like it?

SPEAKER_05 16:45

Uh um, oh, cut the break. Hey everyone, Ronald the Randy Wizard here. I just want to apologize for the late scry cast. We have a week in our scry pool and we're trying to get it fixed, but we should be good for today's episode and future ones for now. So thank you for bearing with us with our technical difficulties. Our sponsor wasn't able to make it today with the delay. I will say though, shop local. Hub Haven has amazing stalls, stores, and even black market deals. You didn't hear that from me though. So before you order from those places that sound amazing, check your local stalls out. You never know what deal you're find. Back to you, Ronald. And we are back. And of course, we're still here trying to help Valpod and his flying pig issue.

SPEAKER_04 17:51

That is not for you!

SPEAKER_05 17:54

Ahay knows the teeth, fuck. Wait, their teeth can pierce armor? The flying pigs? Oh, they can bend it. Okay. If they can bend it, maybe they can help forge the armor themselves. You said you were having problems with it.

SPEAKER_04 18:09

I mean, yes, that's that's true. But again, pigs are very, very hard to train and coordinate. Use that truffle oil.

SPEAKER_00 18:17

It's a process.

SPEAKER_04 18:18

Put some truffle oil on the armor. Yeah, but you gotta you gotta grip the right parts with the teeth. Otherwise that you just have something that looks like looks like a marble uh one of those marble target things, you know, of that they have in the carnivore games. You lick the marble, you stick it in honey, and just throw it in the in the pockets that says a hundred, and then you get the the crappy giraffe. No.

SPEAKER_00 18:44

Yes.

SPEAKER_07 18:45

You know, if you use press digitation of some sort, I'm sure that you can make it just smell like truffles.

SPEAKER_04 18:51

Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah, I I guess we could localize the truffle smell.

SPEAKER_07 18:56

It is a bit specific, but it's a good fix at the moment.

SPEAKER_04 19:01

It is. Uh um yeah, maybe see how hard all Z are. I mean, really the problem is when they uh when they dent the leather, the leather armor. But uh yeah, we could try to make some like bend it. I don't know, maybe uh get them to bite on two ends and then play tug of office to pig asses.

SPEAKER_07 19:23

Well, they have been known to chew through bone, so.

SPEAKER_04 19:26

Oh yeah, yeah, we found that out the hardware. Or private Augustine.

SPEAKER_05 19:31

I mean, I know Lisette pretty much is like a person of all types of knowledge working at a tavern. You heard all sorts of things.

SPEAKER_04 19:38

What type of things are pigs lesser known for that think might be able to be used up in uh Well, uh, we heard that if you cut off a certain piece of meat and you grill it, you give someone cancer. So if we feed them that meat for like 10, 15 years, we might be able to send out their ranks. But I don't think we can I don't say that as a viable uh I I'm not sure on that one there, Volpon.

SPEAKER_03 20:09

Well, actually, if you're interested in some alternative methods of defense, there's plenty of mycelian magic you could perform.

SPEAKER_04 20:20

I s okay, I'd alright. I I I I'd I'll take some silly magic.

SPEAKER_03 20:26

We already mentioned pigs' love of truffles.

SPEAKER_04 20:29

Yes, I do yes, I do. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:31

Did you know pigs are remarkably resilient to certain types of neurological poisons?

SPEAKER_04 20:38

That is not something we have come across, no. We'd uh we tried uh some alchemy up here once in a while, and uh when they tried this poisons, uh but let's just say we're really waiting for the back order of Zic Lesser Gloves. We're going through alchemists very quickly.

SPEAKER_03 20:58

Oh yes. It's a dangerous profession of mine.

SPEAKER_04 21:02

My hearts very rewarding when you uh get it right. Just uh two weeks ago I heard that ever as an alchemist came into town, and now a little girl and her dog are practically inseparable.

SPEAKER_03 21:15

Oh dear. Well, you you know I don't perform that kind of alchemy anymore. Uh but having four stomachs, I have a certain speciality in the immuno immunization of certain toxins and poison.

SPEAKER_04 21:31

You have four stomachs? You have to come up to Arsendorf sometime soon. They may have to put you in as a ringer. The people from the Doofensnautz mountains to the south are being real assholes about their wards.

SPEAKER_05 21:47

Alright, let's focus on your problem right now, Valbod, and not the sausage eating contest. It seems to me you're just trying one thing and banding it and not really exploring your option. Your second.

SPEAKER_07 22:01

Do you have any sorcerers or any wizards in the area?

SPEAKER_04 22:05

Well, let's see. Uh, dwarves on top is the greatest at uh doing the sorcery. I mean, some are often the best, but uh usually the it's hard to set up beards on fire. It's not the greatest.

SPEAKER_07 22:18

Why you can practice a little bit. If you can enlarge the beast, you could then use the horse armor without having to worry about making some new armor. And let me tell you.

SPEAKER_04 22:30

That is good. The problem is it's it's not so much like the size as much as the shape. The the pig butt and the horse butt are just a little dissimilar. But uh, y'all, if we do the enlargement and pig pending, we might be able to make something that's pigs are actually quite vicious these days, if you didn't know.

SPEAKER_07 22:50

They'll eat anything.

SPEAKER_05 22:52

They will, that's I've heard that as well. In fact, I know we had some federal pigs outside Hubhaven that had to be hunted down by some adventurers recently.

SPEAKER_03 23:00

Oh yes. 30 to 50 wild hogs.

SPEAKER_05 23:02

30 to 50 wild hogs?

SPEAKER_07 23:05

On the loose.

SPEAKER_05 23:06

On the loose? Did you know what happened there, Lisette? I'm sure you heard how they got on the loose.

SPEAKER_07 23:11

Oh, they were roaming around, causing mischief, getting to places they should. And well, we got some new folks in town. You know, it's always good to feel like you can accomplish something, so we gotta have some new heavy fruit.

SPEAKER_03 23:24

Oh, I'm happy to hear that. I remember a story of um a particularly stampeding pack of pigs. Uh you may have heard of uh um Piper. Uh he graduated from rats up to pigs, now he's a pig piper.

SPEAKER_07 23:42

Harold! He's never allowed back again!

SPEAKER_05 23:46

Yeah, well, I think you remember banishing Harold the pig piper of pavilion.

SPEAKER_04 23:54

What kind of pipes?

SPEAKER_07 23:56

You you think that you would use like an actual pipe, but it's the worst kind. He's a bod! He uses his own pipes!

SPEAKER_04 24:04

Oh, I think behind that chuck! Ah!

SPEAKER_01 24:08

He made us all late to the battle! He was never welcome to Solraya.

SPEAKER_03 24:13

Yeah, Harold's a fight from the Have we all met Harold at different times and places?

SPEAKER_04 24:19

I've not seen his face yet, but if you like scry, if you scrac me a copy of his face, you put up some haunted posters and then make some great dark board decorations. Axe chucking board decorations.

SPEAKER_05 24:38

Some people even say Herald passes down his call, and it's not just one herald, there's a lot of different Heralds through the generation. So maybe we've all met the same Herald, maybe it's been a different Herald, I don't know. It's it's a problem.

SPEAKER_04 24:53

Six Herald being came across led us into a purple canyon. Canyon.

SPEAKER_05 24:59

Oh yes. Alright, enough about Harold. Maybe let's get him on the show one time or round up a posse to deal with him, it sounds like. I was gonna ask, uh, maybe Don Leo, Valcazar, the Scarlet Provocation, you use distraction and to keep your foes from attacking other people. Can that somehow be used by Val Pod and the Pigs? Oh, also, ValPod, if you ever make a band, Valpod and the Pigs, is a great fucking band name. Just say.

SPEAKER_04 25:36

That is pretty good. I was gonna go for uh 30 to 50 violent hogs, but Valpod and pigs sounds better. Anyways, Don Leo.

SPEAKER_01 25:46

Uh oh yes. Captain Valpod, allow me to answer you not as a guest in a studio, but uh as a matador in the rain. In the arena, one does not gurse the bull for being stubborn. One does not scold the horns of the beast for being sharp. You have pigs, they are stubborn. They die. They resist the clean lines of cavalry. They are not horses. They are meant to move, not like horses, but like pigs. Your troubles are your game. Your signals are your footwork. Your patience is your posture. You do not drag the pigs into discipline, you let them circle, sniff, resist. And then you place the invitation exactly where you want them to move.

SPEAKER_04 26:51

So you're saying the pig rodeo might be a good idea after all?

SPEAKER_01 26:55

I mean if you use the truffles.

SPEAKER_04 26:58

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 27:00

You let them think they're in charge, but you're the one.

SPEAKER_04 27:04

I know what we're doing for to raise the spirits in three days.

SPEAKER_05 27:08

I mean like a pig rodeo, grease up one of the pigs and see if you can catch it. That might raise morale.

SPEAKER_01 27:15

Oh good! Yeah!

SPEAKER_05 27:16

Don Leo's talking about tactics. You gotta figure out the tactics with what you got.

SPEAKER_01 27:20

Plant your feet. Just because you're horses.

SPEAKER_05 27:22

Okay, I think you're thinking of like how you fight with horses. You gotta think how you fight with pigs.

SPEAKER_04 27:27

Uh then usually I'd punch them on the nose and say, No, that's my stew, but I see if I then I think you're talking about pigs.

SPEAKER_01 27:34

Fight with like fight- You're not training pigs to be horses, Captain. Yes, you're learning to dance with what was given to you.

SPEAKER_04 27:41

Okay, yeah, yeah. Hmm. I see where you're coming from. But now I'm also thinking about pig ballet. And uh now I can think of another superfair to entertain the troops. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 27:55

Let's talk about the armor. Yeah, let's talk about the armor. Use what you can. Chest plates for the first impact. Uh the headcrest for the dive. And then the armor. Use what remains. You know, not what's for beauty. Use what's for survival. Shape it, cut it, strap it, make it yours. Not for the beauty, but for the war.

SPEAKER_04 28:25

Yeah, you definitely need to be in Mars of all. The Knolls are getting very aggressive. Oh. Also a little stucker. But yeah, okay, okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 28:38

I hear their leader, Beyonce Knolls, is a big problem up there.

SPEAKER_04 28:42

Oh yeah, she thinks she's such a queen, yeah. She thinks she's got she's the goddess's gift. Yes, she's saying she's a diva, and she won't shut up about her lemonade. We get like 50 letters delivered by Raven talking about the lemonade. It's so weird. Why do we care about your drinks?

SPEAKER_05 29:05

Hell yeah, do you have a good recipe for lemonade that doesn't involve dung?

SPEAKER_03 29:09

Oh yes. All kinds of sugary beverages make the medicine go down easier.

SPEAKER_04 29:17

Oh good. Do you have any things that work with like pickled drinks? Cause we have a lot of pickled goods for surviving the harsh winters.

SPEAKER_03 29:27

Oh yes. The medicinal properties of vinegar and spice is very good for your hearty bodies.

SPEAKER_04 29:36

Yeah, we just want to make sure we can get it to go down easier, because let me tell you, after a while of drinking nothing but pickled juice, your tongue starts to feel like sandpaper.

SPEAKER_03 29:48

Tell me about it.

SPEAKER_05 29:51

Well, it seems we've come to a bit of a not conclusion, but we have we brought up some good ideas here.

SPEAKER_04 29:58

Yeah, definitely. So to reshape the armor, cut and tack bits on to make it more fitting of the pig's shapely curves. Use the truffles as uh sort of a bank thing to go for the for the dive bombing. The then make sure to get the bards to sing an appropriate tune when the pigs are diving. Just not also, um grease for the pig rodeo.

SPEAKER_03 30:24

The ballet.

SPEAKER_04 30:25

Yeah, the pig ballet is good too. I'm pretty sure my cousin has some tutus that will that fit the pig. I I'll try them on, let me see. Oh yeah, my my my hips are about pig size. Yeah, yes, these tutus are good.

SPEAKER_05 30:39

You know, just out of the blue here, pig ballet raise money for pig armor, also. Yeah, traveling pig ballet. Just saying, anyways.

SPEAKER_07 30:50

You know, if you advertise it, I can always put it up in the pub. I'll send all kinds of adventures away.

SPEAKER_04 30:56

Oh yeah, that sounds good. I mean, the mountain fortress is not the most uh accessible, you know, for obvious reasons. Otherwise, you'll be getting paid on getting paid a lot more than we do. But yeah, actually, we can try and see if uh anyone from the south will let us borrow a griffin carriage to you know transport the people up to the pig ballet.

SPEAKER_03 31:20

Sounds like you've got quite a lot ahead of you.

SPEAKER_04 31:24

Oh yeah, yeah. The pigs are possibilities now, I like it.

SPEAKER_01 31:29

Remember, we're not given perfect peace, perfect armor, or perfect seasons. We do what we have, and that's where legends leave.

SPEAKER_04 31:38

Yeah. This fortress will go into legend. Everyone here will take their place as great warriors and hey! Answer! Stop making the pig lick you there! My god then! How some dignity!

SPEAKER_05 31:52

Wait, is is that your dad? Is he becoming a pig stripper too? Oh no, that's just my cousin. Oh, whoa, that's not better. Um It's not. You know, you sound like you have to go do that, so we're gonna let you go about.

SPEAKER_04 32:05

I mean, I don't want to, but at the same time I know that it don't fall apart without me. I'm not supposed to stay here with the people who aren't letting the pigs lick them.

SPEAKER_05 32:14

Well, I mean, I don't get licked by pigs. I don't know about anyone else here. I won't speak for them. Hold on.

SPEAKER_04 32:23

Are you using the pickle juice to make yourself more lickable? You need to save that!

SPEAKER_05 32:29

We already talked about use the trouble. Uh anyways, I'm gonna give you advice and how to be licked by a pig.

SPEAKER_03 32:34

Good luck with that. Thank you for calling in Valpon.

SPEAKER_05 32:37

We're gonna let you go, and maybe we'll check in with you later to make see how you're doing.

SPEAKER_04 32:41

Yeah, that sounds good! Thank you for all the good advice. I gotta go make sure that you know no one else follows Hansel's example. Stupidity is like a disease. You cough one stupid person coughs, and suddenly everybody's an idiot. It makes it that's a lot more poetic in in dwarfish. No, it it it's wise words. Okay. Alright! Uh carry on! Do you keep doing your hero calling stuff? I'll let you know how things go. Um, if I die, you're invited to the funeral. If not, uh you're invited to the pig valet.

SPEAKER_05 33:21

Um, a question, just one last question. Okay. If the pigs die, do you guys barbecue?

SPEAKER_04 33:28

We're working on that, because again, there's just you know, the cuts and meat that'll give you cancer, but uh, we think this right uh this right preparation we can circumvent that.

SPEAKER_03 33:40

Trial and error.

SPEAKER_04 33:42

Either way, it'll be a great one. We are famous for sausage.

SPEAKER_05 33:49

Alright then. Thank you so much, Valpod. Good luck on your pig devers. We'll catch you later on. Oh yeah. Before we leave, I just want to see uh Don Leo, do you have any anyone else? Don or anyone else, do you have any closing words of advice for uh Val Pod or just anyone in general?

SPEAKER_03 34:08

Why, I would say that Valpod, you're doing a wonderful job. It really takes a man of grit and bravery to take to do your profession. And I'm really impressed with your ingenuity, your ability to improvise with the tools provided for you. Almost as if you were digging to find the shiny stone at the center of the rock. But I suppose that's what you call perils before swine.

SPEAKER_04 34:37

Something like that. I mean, I am a dwarf, I'm always digging all diggy diggy hole, diggy diggy hole, day in, day out.

SPEAKER_01 34:45

Captain Walpole. Uh may your fire stay lit, your footing stay firm, and your pigs rise when cold. Until we meet again, stand tall, show the keep, and let the charge come to you.

SPEAKER_04 35:02

We do most of those things except for the stand tall saying about no! We dwarves have blocks, we can stand on blocks. Okay, we'll stand tall. We'll stand on. Yes.

SPEAKER_07 35:15

Well, Mr. Valipad, if you and your friends want to fly on down south, you're always welcome at the snare of air dog. I guarantee you, no matter your size, you're always welcome inside.

SPEAKER_04 35:27

Many thanks. You know what? Tell you what, if he uh begin the next uh skirmish, if he drives him back, you get there.

SPEAKER_07 35:36

Well then the drinks are on me.

SPEAKER_04 35:39

Even better.

SPEAKER_05 35:41

Alright, everyone, thank you so much for tuning in to the Hero's Helpline. I'm Ronald the Randy Wizard, and we will help you next time on the Heroes Helpline.

SPEAKER_04 35:51

Bye. Cheers!

SPEAKER_05 35:53

So long, Anthony, do you want to give some of those recipes of that uh Tita Lassette?

SPEAKER_03 36:00

Oh yes, just a pinch of lemon.

SPEAKER_07 36:05

Anyone would buy anything these days if you just write organic on it.

SPEAKER_05 36:09

And that's as organic as you can get.

SPEAKER_03 36:11

Straight from the source.

SPEAKER_05 36:16

Thank you for listening to the Heroes Helpline. We got more help on the way. If you'd like to ask our heroes a question, email the HeroesHelpline at gmail.com. You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Blue Sky at the Heroes Helpline. Run with Randy Wizard was played by Josh Weber Herrell. Hell yeah. Unleaven of Alcusar. The Scarlet Provocation was played by Jade Harameyo. The scene Ember Dance was played by Katie Domaro. Captain Wallpod was played by Colin Hello. We'll be here next week. Hello. All you heroes out. See you then.