Substance Abuse, Addiction, Recovery, & Redemption

What does it take to come back from a life most people never escape?

In this episode of Wind The Q — The Stories Behind The Sirens, Lt. Dodson sits down with Justin Kimball of Crosspoint City Church Compassion Center for one of the most raw and powerful conversations of the season.

Justin’s story isn’t easy to hear—but it’s one that needs to be told.

From gang involvement and running drugs, to prison time and addiction, Justin walks through the reality of a life headed in the wrong direction—and what it took to turn it around. Now, he serves on the front lines in a different way, working with the unsheltered, addicted, and broken members of the community, helping people find a way out when it feels like there isn’t one.

This episode dives deep into addiction, redemption, mental health, trauma, and second chances—topics that directly impact the fire service more than we often admit.

Because as firefighters and first responders, we don’t just fight fire—we see people on the worst days of their lives. And sometimes, those stories don’t end on scene.

Topics Covered:

• Addiction and substance abuse in real life
• Gang involvement and life before prison
• The impact of incarceration and life after prison
• Mental health and trauma
• Redemption and second chances
• Serving the homeless and addicted population
• Fire service exposure to addiction and community crisis
• Compassion vs. burnout in first responders

This episode challenges the way we look at people we encounter on calls—and reminds us that every person has a story, and some are still being written.

This isn’t just a conversation—it’s perspective.

Wind The Q — Real conversations about the fire service, life, leadership, and the stories behind the sirens.

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This episode Includes dynamic content. If you feel impressed to help support the show, follow the link below. If not, please continue to like, share, follow, and subscribe for more great content!

https://www.buzzsprout.com/2605628/support

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:19

Before we get into this episode, I want to take a moment. We've had a tragic loss in the fire service with the passing of Firefighter Smith from Rockdale County Fire and Rescue. And with something like this, it hits deeper than just one department. It's the family, the friends, the people he worked beside every shift, and the entire fire service that feels it. So we ask that you keep his family, his department, and everyone affected in your thoughts and prayers. This job, it shows you a lot. It shows you people at their worst, and sometimes it shows you people trying to fight their way back. And today's conversation is about that side of it. Because not every story in this job starts in the firehouse. Some start in places most people don't come back from. But sometimes they do. And when they do, those are the stories worth listening to. Welcome to Wine the Q, The Stories Behind the Sirens. I'm Lieutenant Dodson, engine officer here in Northwest Georgia. This podcast is about the real conversations in the fire service. It's about the job, the brotherhood, and what it actually takes to make it home. So today's episode is a little different. It isn't about the fire service, at least not directly. This is about the people. It's about choices, consequences, and redemption. Not us. So today I'm sitting down with Justin Kimball from Cross Point City Church's Compassion Center. And Justin has lived a life most people only hear about. And now he's serving the ones following in his old path. And today we're going to hear his story. So Justin, if you would go ahead and introduce yourself, just tell us a little bit about your ministry and and what you're doing.

SPEAKER_00 2:30

We just help people get out of gangs, get off the streets, whatever it takes to get them out with the resources. And there's a lot of places that won't speak to people unless they convert. I'd rather show them the love of Christ and then you know get them there. But um been working for Compassion Center for about a year now, and we work with unsheltered, the broken, the addicted, the veterans, the disabled, mentally handicapped, and um probably what you guys deal with every day. We deal with um four or five days a week. Yeah. And um was in the army for six years active, did six years reserve. Um had a lot of stuff to happen there to cause trauma. And um when I met God, he just sort of started taking that stuff and tweaking it. Wasn't overnight, but started tweaking it. So um also work with a lot of people who have PTSD, yeah. Um, friends, it's suicidal, whatever it may be. God just puts them on path, and you know, I can tell you story after story with me and her that that's where God has put us to help the people nobody wants.

SPEAKER_02 3:27

Yes, that's right. And it is people don't realize how prevalent that is here. Yes, even in Cartersville. Like you you know other places, Atlanta, you know, around there, it's it is, but people don't realize how prevalent it is here.

SPEAKER_00 3:40

No, it's it's everywhere. It's a lot bigger than you think. Uh I can go four camps now and get you about two hundred homeless people.

SPEAKER_02 3:46

Yep, it's everywhere.

SPEAKER_00 3:48

Yes, sir.

SPEAKER_02 3:49

Uh so you have a pretty amazing story. Yes, sir. Um, and and when like I told you earlier, when I contacted Clay, he called your name out immediately. Yes, sir. Um if you're if you're good with it, I would like for you to just tell your story. Okay. Uh and you you asked me when I first called you, and you said if if I can say the name of Jesus, I'll do it. Yes, sir. You have full liberty. Okay. So you go for it.

SPEAKER_00 4:15

All right. Um, I usually start off with uh it and it all end up where it's supposed to be in the end, but I always start off with the first memory I have of my dad. Um we used to live right down the road here, riding a bike, learning to ride, hit a fence, broke the neighbor's fence, not like it was worth anything, it was rotted. Yeah. And he's standing with the door open. My mom's at work, and I remember he hit me so hard in my back with his hand it sent me through the living room.

SPEAKER_02 4:38

My goodness.

SPEAKER_00 4:39

And um, stuff like that happened, you know, on and off. He wasn't like that every day, but um the girls he sort of didn't do that to is more because I was the the boy of the family or the man of the family that uh he wanted me not to be like other people that are around us, and um he was very racist. Um, I remember my friend, he's passed away now. His name was Howard Johnson. I brought him to the house. We're gonna play ball. My dad wouldn't let him come in the house because of his color, so they'd give you a pre-face of what the way my dad was. And um, and that was always until he gave his life to Christ, you know, when I was 20. But in between that, I just seen God in my, you know, when you look back, you see things, God tweaking things um in your path to make sure you don't go a certain ways. But um my family's pretty rough. If you call the police station here, they probably got most of their names. Um only mine one time, two times. Yeah. But um, my family's known here, you know, stabbing, shooting um each other, hitting each other ball bats. I remember seeing my uncles get into it years ago on um Porter Street here, and um one put 170-something stitches in one with a knife, another one put them in the hospital with a ball bat.

SPEAKER_03 5:46

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 5:47

And uh just on Friday nights, I won't say names. Um my mom was saved when I was five, but my dad wasn't a believer. He was atheist all the way. He made me read philosophy books and stuff. But I remember on Friday nights, he'll just go to our grandmother's because we knew one of our siblings or my mom's siblings or somebody out there was gonna get in a fight, and we'd have front row seats. And um, it got for a time where they would just ride by and say, What time are they gonna start start tonight? And um goodness. So from that, I saw my name started getting a little rap from that, even though I wasn't doing anything, just because of my kin folks, they saw me there. So they was like, Well, if they're doing it, then eventually this guy's gonna be doing it. So my dad was doing that off and on till I was about I'll say 20. Um, he put his hands on me. Um, I swung on in one time, it didn't work out too well. I was skinny, I was weak. Um, I was uh I was a little crybaby till I got about eighth grade, and I feel like I had to start taking up for myself. And in between that time, um I won't say no names or who, but a female in one of my sides of the family decided that uh they were gonna mess with me from 10 to 13.

SPEAKER_03 6:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:55

So they automatically clicked the way I looked at women. Yeah. Um women wasn't women no more. There was an object that I had to conquer because I got conquered first.

SPEAKER_03 7:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:03

And um so that threw that in the mix, and then uh one of my uncles handed me a Milwaukee's best at nine years old. And first drink I didn't like it, then you know, next thing you know, it's moving to pot, and um, I was doing pot tripping, all that stuff. It was to cope with I guess you say the trauma from 13 and back. I started doing it like this to make me feel good for a little while, but there was no yeah, I mean, you know yourself, there's no way to get rid of trauma in a temporary way. Yeah, you're you're never gonna get rid of it. Then um when I got about 15, you know, um I started working by my own clothes because we were poor. I remember having to fight in school because I had Jordan Ash instead of Jordan's. Yeah. And um got picked on a little bit. And um one day I just woke up and I said, Um, I don't care, like as far as my life, I didn't care. It's not that I knew how to fight, it's like I didn't care anymore. So I would just do anything, everything to get you away from me. You know, they just started spiraling spiraling into hate and more hate. And um people say music don't uh affect you. I think it does because the angrier I got, the the deeper and darker the music got, and that drove me, you know, and um I weighed like 185 at 6'4 in high school, and um I said from now on I'm gonna be a machine, and I just started working towards um venting that hate in their own ways, and I got involved with the wrong people and um see where you want to go, God. I'll just use one example. Um, three houses down from here, y'all about to tear down. Yep, um, some guys drove by and they pulled a gun on us, and um, I didn't see him pull the trigger, but this is in my teenage years when I thought I was I wouldn't like the guy who dressed like a thug, but I thought I could sell dope and still be cool, you know. And uh the guy pulled the trigger look like five times and nothing happened. And um, I threw a log and it went through the front windshield and they run into the ditch right here in front of self-recycling. Really? Cops came, let me go, everything because them guys have been troublemakers. But um again, there was me not getting caught while everybody else was. Had a pocket full of weed and some some acid, stuff like that all the time. But um there it stuck out, and then I remember one night I was about 18. I'm going to kill myself at the river. You know, back in the day you could park at the river and party all night. So I went by myself, and now something told me I don't know what it was, not my conscience, of course, to go home and get your dad's uh gun out of the top drawer, it'd be easier, faster, and less to clean up. Yeah. So when I walked in, my mom was on her knees and I was praying for you. God told me you're gonna kill yourself tonight. And I was like, I'm gonna be honest, I shot God birds. I mean, I don't even believe in you. My mom served you a whole life, and we're sitting here in poor living in Atko down the road, and I don't see no change in anything. Yeah, it's like why did you let me get molested? Uh, why did you let this happen? You know, all this stuff. So I started questioning him, and it just pushed me further in uh where I was just sleeping around doing all these crazy stuff. Um going to Atlanta, we would find um we would find skint heads if back in the day in the 90s you could find skint heads in Atlanta. I don't know about now, and we'd find them and just fight them for just a heck of a hey, you don't like my friend because he's black or he's uh Asian or Metzgid. Well, we don't like you because you hate him. So we justified our our violence. Absolutely. Another time, um, just sharing a few things before we get in. I feel like God wants to be talking about trauma at the end, but I remember um just stuff like that. Another time, um won't say no names, but I lived over here on Summit Street with rapport. And some friends of mine were going to do um a drive-by, yes, in Cartersville. There's been drive-by's in Carterville.

SPEAKER_02 10:33

There has been.

SPEAKER_00 10:33

There has been. But um, some guys had jumped our friend, they sprayed him with mace, and uh six of them jumped him and put him in the hospital for I think it was about two weeks. Um so we're going to get back, and I was like, why don't we just throw hands? And um the people I was with is like, no, we're going to shoot. No, I've done it before, but not this close to home.

SPEAKER_03 10:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:53

So we get up to the red light here by the movie theater in Cartersville. If you're from Cartersville, you know what I'm talking about on Tennessee Street in uh Felton. And I got out and I ran home. I cannot explain it why. I've never backed out of anything before once I changed my mind about I gotta be tough. And um, when I walked in, there's my mom again saying, God told me he was going to prison tonight. And about an hour later, the guys I was with, one of their moms called and said, Was you with so-and-so and so-and-so? We calling Daniel and David. I said, Yeah, I was about an hour ago. I got out. She said, Um, to miss the little girl's head by four inches. So there's my this kept happening over the years. My mom would always end up telling me she was praying for me, but I kept getting further and further from God and um didn't want to hear about him. And I if you grew up in the South and you went to church, you probably said the salvation prayer before. And I probably said it 30 times before I ever even believed. Just like, here's my insurance, I'm still gonna go do whatever the heck I want to do, and then come back and repent the next and just keep on. Even though I didn't believe, I wanted that just in case there was a guy, there's a ticket there, you know what I'm saying? And um after that, uh graduated high school, I moved to Phoenix, Arizona, and uh this is where it got crazy. Um, me and my best friend started working for Boeing, and um I got with the wrong crew. Um, they were Hispanic, and the first day off work, dude's like, You want to ride so you don't have to wait on your friend? I was like, Yeah, we've been you know chopping it up a little bit, and as soon as we get out there, he's uh I'll say the name of the car club. It was Royal Fantasies, but it was a cover for what they did.

SPEAKER_03 12:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:24

When he opens the trunk, there's four AKs and about two kilos. And he's like, You can work for me or you can work here. And um being the whitest cracker from Georgia in in Phoenix, Arizona, I didn't want to say no until I figure out how I can get out of this without getting killed or or having to fight. And um I said, Man, I'll run with you. I started running with him. I didn't sell drugs or join gangs. Thank God I never got gang, uh, was never joined into a gang because you always have to pay your taxes on what you sell, and I didn't want to do that. So when I sold weed and acid and all that, I want to keep all the money unless I had to pay the dealer. But went with them a few places and just saw them do some things that we won't get into because uh wanted to keep it PG. But I just remember going to a bar with these guys, and a guy came up and owed one of them money and um this guy was that was collecting the money for them was about 6'6, about 350. He looked like he should be on WWE. Yeah, and this guy was probably about my size, which is 6'4, about 240, and he slapped the guy so hard he knocked him over the table. They took all their money and they just carried him out. And I was like, well, if they'll do that just over a little bit of money, what would they do? Yeah, over the big big money. Yeah, and um, we got into a lot of trouble there with them and stuff, you know, guns pulled, uh, wannabe gangsters. Um, I was wanting to die, so I never ran when stuff was going on like everybody else. And they're like, You're crazy. And I was like, No, I'm just suicidal. You just don't understand what's inside of me. Um and then moved back to Georgia, and um, the first time I sold drugs out of a trap house was um down here on Porter Street.

SPEAKER_03 13:58

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 13:58

Um good neighbor. There's a little houses across the street from it where a bunch of people are living. And one of those houses I started selling there. And um, I remember one of my friends walked up wanting to get in a car drunk. He probably drunk this is back in the 40 days, about 640s, and um wanted to drive. We said no. So another friend of our just came up and busted his head open with a 40 and put him into bed. I'm blood and all. Yeah. Just put him into bed. So well, he ain't driving, so I'll go look. He needs about three stitches, so we just super glue it shut and leave him there. And I kept checking on him. But um a few nights after that, um, I had went to um the corner there. Some people were playing dice, and something told me to keep going. And that night, one of my friends got shot playing dice right there in the corner. I won't say the names. And then another guy that I played ball with, you gotta remember I got my friends and people you play ball and see at parties. Um, he got shot up there and shot up a cop there in the same area, current and uh summit street there. This is back 30 years ago, and um just kept waking up. I was like, what am I gonna do with all this anger? What am I gonna do with all this pain? What am I gonna do with all this stuff? I have nowhere to put it. Everywhere I put it before, I ended up picking it back up and carrying it with me. So I did. And um when I was 20, I did the whole salvation Jesus and gave my testimony. My dad got saved, got married, and all these things started going good for a change, and um got divorced and uh went downhill again. Same thing, same scenario. Went to jail at never went like for real serious charges, like public drunk or something like that. But a guy pulled a knife on me and I hit him in the face with a napkin holder, and I got charged with um I rated assault with a not a deadly weapon, but a weapon I can't remember so long ago. And um, when we got to court, I got first time offender because the guy told him he had picked on me for six weeks.

SPEAKER_03 15:49

Gotcha.

SPEAKER_00 15:50

But that would have sent me two years down the road right there. Yeah, two years in prison. I escaped it. Um got out of that and I joined the army. And uh I was a little late going active. I was 32 when I went active. Still dealing with all the trauma and stuff. Yes, I believed in God, but I was still the army culture fit me perfect. Yeah. Here's all your anger, here's all your addictions, and you can put them all one pot with everybody else, and everybody's gonna get along good.

SPEAKER_03 16:14

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 16:15

The culture is stay drawn, we did. Um fight, we did, and um womanizers, we did. And but the justification of it was a uniform and you're you're you're you're defending your country, yeah, which is not an excuse for the stupid stuff you're doing. And um the first time I went, um, I think the stuff that bothered me the most was uh seeing kids. I was on QRF and I was on a convoy, I was a gunner, had 240 Bravo, which is uh 762, 800 rounds per minute. I also had my M4 and a pistol and um grenade launcher. And um seeing the kids come in and um stuff like that, at first it don't get to you when the rush of things happen, like the incoming and seeing all that stuff, it don't really hit you at that moment.

SPEAKER_03 17:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:02

So you come home and you've been on calls. When you come home, how do you tell your family this is what I dealt with today?

SPEAKER_03 17:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:08

So what did I do? I started drinking more.

SPEAKER_03 17:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:11

And um second time I went to Afghanistan, um I tweaked my knee and they gave me 90 days worth of Percocet so I wouldn't go home. And it became one, then it became two, and I was using them asleep. I don't know about y'all, but when we were deployed, there's never a quiet time ever. Yeah, like y'all got the radio 24-7. That plus the helicopters, the airplanes, everything you think of, people practicing firing. There's no way of getting sleep there unless I took that.

SPEAKER_03 17:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:39

Well, at the same time, um, my ex-father-in-law, I won't say his name or anything, was sending me uh every two weeks, I was getting about three or four gallons of uh whiskey, that look like Listerine.

SPEAKER_03 17:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:50

So then I had a friend who worked with uh the workers who come on the base from Afghanistan giving them hashish. So by the time I left Afghanistan, I was addicted to pills and I brought $10,000 extra dollars home from selling drinks and um hashish and trade pills. And um now there's no justification in it, but if we went outside the wire on a mission of stuff, we didn't touch it. But if we're on and we wouldn't our turn, you know, we went on call, then we're playing spades getting drawn. And um of course if you throw corn, y'all know what I mean by corn in there, that's just a whole cesspool full of stuff. Um what you see on used and what you see on movies does not justify or or bring close to what you might experience, like your job or any first responders, all that. So when I got back the second time, um I had to come home, I was supposed to go out again, but my middle daughter was having surgery. So one of my good friends and two other guys um on my bracelet there, I was supposed to be in that same building, but instead I was in Georgia with my daughter getting surgery. Um, the building got blown up and everybody passed except one person. So not only do you have all the trauma from your past in the army, but now you have survivor's guilt.

SPEAKER_03 19:06

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 19:07

So you put all that and shake it up and put a pressure cooker on it. And um nobody tells you how to deal when you get home. When if you're in the army and you go to get counseling, they're gonna call you weak or sissy, you know the word. Yep. And so we didn't get help, we just drunk and kept our minds occupied, whatever we could. Um finally I find out that uh I'm going out for special forces, fist and go to selection to do the whole you know, test and everything, and I tweaked my knee again, and finally they said you're out.

SPEAKER_03 19:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:38

So not only do I have not gonna have my friends to talk to about the stuff that we experienced over there or any other time in our life, like your brothers, you know how it is here. Yeah, your brothers, now you're gonna be separated from all them with all civilians.

SPEAKER_03 19:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:50

So when you're outside and you're itching your ear because you feel like something bad's gonna happen and your family comes asking okay, you can't tell them what's going on because they're gonna think you're crazy anyway.

SPEAKER_02 19:59

Yeah, that's right.

SPEAKER_00 20:00

So I just shut everything off and let all that trauma stay in. No healing, no nothing. And um on the outside, I might look like the greatest dude ever. I'm happy. And um, I I could clap my hands and shake my hands at church, but inside I was dying.

SPEAKER_03 20:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:15

And um got done with all that and um thought I was over it and come home, and um, there's some things going at home that I won't I don't want to put out there. A certain person was doing the thing, so I decided to leave. And um there I was left. I wouldn't be I have three daughters, I wouldn't see in every day. Divorced, what do I do? I go back to what I always knew. Um 40 years old getting a fight at the masquerade over a beer can.

SPEAKER_03 20:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:43

I'm 40 years old, how useless and and empty that was, but I I it was a way for me to get all that was locked to me aside. If I can just get a little off, that pressure would not blow up. And um I have friends who are in gangs, and then I know I go back and forth. I have friends that are in gangs that was doing the wrong things, and I've been with them, been affiliated with them, drove for them, did some stupid stuff for them, but I never could join it. And um, I lost a few friends, you know, to prison or death, overdose. Um, one of the things that changed my mind when I truly got to to thinking about it. Um, one of my friends that used to live down here, he played drums in a band. I never seen him our whole life even touch a cigarette. Yeah. And I talked to him on and off, how'd you do it? Because you would let me ride with you even and help you set up the music stuff, even though I was wasted out of my mind. Why? And um, I just look back on all these things. I know I'm scatterbrained today, but it just brings me back to one thing that somebody out there, like Jeremiah 2911, says, has a plan for me. I just ain't figured it out yet.

SPEAKER_02 21:45

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 21:46

Still dealing with a trauma, so I get into a relationship after I divorced with someone that was my high school sweetheart, I thought, and um she was on doing just as much as I was, and we try to hide it from each other. Yeah. And um man. End up getting arrested because we got an argument uh several times, but this time they came and um they arrested me. Even though I had the marks on my face, they arrested me and not her.

SPEAKER_03 22:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:15

And um, that's the way it is in Georgia is most of the time the men's going first. And I understand that 'cause I've seen my sister go through some things I wouldn't like any woman to go through, but told us not to be together and um here we are partying together again and I told her I couldn't see her no more and she called me and said she was pregnant and um pressure cooker is going. Building back up. Yes. And um after she did that, um she called and told me she had a miscarriage, so I ran up to get her, took her to the hospital, took care of her, stayed with her, vacuumed, did all the stuff that you're supposed to do when someone loses a baby, and um found a note and uh a receipt that said Atlanta Abortion Clinic, 900 and something dollars. So there goes her pressure cooker.

SPEAKER_03 22:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:59

And what you don't know is uh what when that explodes, what's gonna happen, or what you're gonna do. And um, us as veterans and first responders, you've tried to find something to alleviate that immediately. So mine was drinking and sex. Yeah, and um that seemed like that's all our our relationship consisted of. Pulls up at the house and says, Here, get your army medals, here's give me my navy medals. We never see each other again. I dropped the charges, the magistrate dropped restraining order on both of us, and um she bit me on the face, I pushed her off of me, ran in the house, and um they took me even though she blew three times over the limit. Um, me being a big guy and the person being smaller, it probably looked like you know, a lot different than it really was. Yeah, so I get to hold and sell, and all that flashback of all that stuff I've been through was there. And um a lot I saw a guy knew overdosing a heroin in the middle of the floor. Um and I remember I don't know if you would say it was God, that gut check in my my my my chest said that could have been you. Yeah. Then the guy sitting next to me, I used to play ball with, and I start recognizing people, and um I don't know how he got it in or what he got it in with, I don't care. He cuts out four lines on the floor of the jail and sniffs them. And I was like, this is not me, this is not where I'm supposed to be. I'm not better than the people, but I've been in the same situation. I've been where I've had to sleep couch to couch or go to my mom's or go to my cousins or do this because I was gonna end up homeless for the lifestyle I was living. And um, thank God I had people is like, just come here for a couple weeks or here and there. But after that, um sitting in a jail cell, and um I hear a voice, and this will go back to the beginning. I hear a voice that says, Um, when are you gonna do what I called you to do? And I looked at the guy next to me, I was like, Who you talking to, man? And uh he said, Man, I ain't said nothing. And I guess I look mad. You're in jail, bro. And uh I'm pissed, sorry about that. But I'm peed off to the T and I'm like, God, where are you in all this? And he said, Remember a year ago you heard the voice said, Not to date that girl, you beat jailing in prison. And I said, Yeah, he said, That was me. I started recognizing his voice. Yeah. People say, You can't do that. It lines up with the scriptures, it's his voice. And um he said, Jeremiah 31, 3 through 5, I'm gonna love you with everlasting love. I'm gonna build you, and I'm gonna rebuild you, and that's exactly what I needed. Went through there for six months, had to be in jail, embarrassing, wearing orange, working in the kitchen, moping floors like I'm a private back in the army. And I was just lost, man. I was like, I can't. If you're really about this, rebuild and let's rebuild. And um, amazing things start happening. A guy charged with arm robbery, charged with arm robbery. We're praying for him in a little prayer circle. If you ever walk through the jail, everybody does it. So, like, man, I don't like this as religious. I just want to talk to God. And um, dude goes home. Holy Spirit told me six months, and I'm mad because dude's going home. Then people started going home, people started getting healed of hep C. All this crazy stuff was happening just from that prayer circle. And uh, I said, I gotta get I get out, I straighten up. But I did. I got out, straighten up, um, got into church, started doing the right thing, working, finished my degree. I have a degree in theology from uh what was it called? Science of religion. And then I got an honorary doctorate for humanitarianism for all the work I did after jail. But yeah, what I want to talk about today, I know we don't have long is yes, that's just highlights of crazy stuff to happen. I can tell you, you know, God tried to stab me and nothing happened. Saved a girl from getting stabbed in the stomach by her boyfriend who was pregnant, and nothing happened to us. Um missions getting postponed and the places we're supposed to be on that day blowing up, but it all circles back to one thing. When I got saved, and I just realized this the last six months, what do we do with our trauma?

SPEAKER_03 26:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:54

Do I actually give it to God or do I do? I realize I've hurt her a few times. Now I'm out here partying swinging chandeliers. No, but I've hurt her a few times because I let triggers and trauma tell me things I should do to get rid of it when it was the wrong way of doing it.

SPEAKER_02 27:10

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 27:11

And being a I was uh it worked in a prison in Elmore, uh, Alabama. It's probably one of the worst prisons um in Alabama, or it was a work camp. But there I see more blood there than I did Afghanistan. So not only are you getting triggered by buddy getting stabbed, but then you go back to all your life, all these things, quick calls, we never let them go. And I I want to say this to the firefighters, first responders who were maybe listening to. Even now, I checked myself the last few days. There's some ill unhealed areas in my life that need to be healed or almost keep on hurting the people around me, including myself.

SPEAKER_03 27:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:42

And that's what takes God is that yes, I've I've carried an 18-year-old boy on my shoulders, and um it was gory. I'll just put it that way. I've never felt nothing hot on my neck before. And the guy was crying for mama and Jesus, and um, you can't give him but one because the other one's not there. Yeah, didn't make it. Oh, what could I done different? Now, every time I see an accident, and I'm one of those that get out run to the accident, just like you guys, y'all brave for that. Um I'm gonna make sure this next person doesn't die on me. Yeah, and what if they do? Then it's gonna go back. And that's why I want to talk about these last few minutes. The testimony is not as important as handling the trauma. And I'll share a few ways the way I handle trauma. Um one day I was driving, I said, Holy Spirit, I need someone to talk to, talk to now, or I'm gonna end it. And um I did I had a pistol in my mouth, I've had a pistol in my chest, I used to ride Harleys, had a 1500 pegged out, fist and drive off a bridge. I've been there, done that, and there's always been somebody to intervene, but what if there's not?

SPEAKER_03 28:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:44

That's why I want you to deal with a trauma. Maybe you're not me, and maybe somebody don't call you.

SPEAKER_02 28:48

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 28:49

So I want to talk to you about today is get healed. Well, one of the ways I get healed is in Joshua, the first chapter of Joshua, the Holy Spirit is talking to Joshua, God speaking to Joshua, and he says, uh meditate on my word day and night. Meditate. Now, a Christian way for me to meditate is if I'm going through something today, I want to read that scripture. I want to dissect it apart and think about it all day. So when something does come crazy, one of my memories, one of your triggers, trauma point, I can put it into what I'm reading and see how it can go along and help me get rid of that.

SPEAKER_03 29:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:20

Another way is um everybody got outlets. I know it's to toss. There is good to have outlets. I do photography. Is it the most manliest thing ever done? No, but it brings me a little clearer thinking so I can get stuff out of my head where she don't have to deal with my stuff.

SPEAKER_02 29:34

That's what matters. Yep.

SPEAKER_00 29:35

Yes. The third thing is always, always somebody that has an ear to talk to. And mine is God, yeah. But sometimes you need Jesus in the flesh when I say that. I need a brother who believes like me, who's been through the same thing to talk to. And listen, iron sharp is iron, as it was saying um Proverbs, I think it is. I can't remember the scripture, but going back to me being, I got jumped. Um I got jumped by five skint heads, beat that beat me down pretty bad, cracked my ribs, cut my eye, broke my nose, my tooth went through my lip and everything. And um, all I wanted was somebody that that was out there talking about my father to say, Hey, are you okay? Shouldn't have done this, do that. And um, a lot of us that grew up that way, when we get into these risky jobs, that's one of the reasons is that um we know that we're not gonna be the person that we maybe got hit on or whatever. We're not gonna be that person, so we're gonna go help people. Not saying everybody. My motivation is I want to help people get out of where I was.

SPEAKER_03 30:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:34

But how can you do that if you're not healed?

SPEAKER_02 30:37

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 30:38

And I look back, uh, my b one of my best friends, and I told you passed away. We called him the black hulk. Sort of reminds you of the guy I told you I knew here, yeah. Squat in the bar and the thing would just bounce.

SPEAKER_03 30:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:49

You go tell his wife and his one-year-old son that he's not coming home. Yeah, that's hard for them because never gonna see him again. But also we forget about that middleman that might have suffered a little bit through that. That's right. And um, how do you take those pictures and those memories things and give them to God? And the simple answer for that is every day.

SPEAKER_03 31:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:07

If it comes in your head every day, you gotta give it to him every day. Yeah, you got to meditate every day. Um I know this sounds silly. We've heard a story from the Native American, he's feeding two dogs, whichever you feed one the most, that's the one that's live. I say we don't feed none of them.

SPEAKER_03 31:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:22

I say we give it to God and let him take it away so we don't have to feed you anymore.

SPEAKER_03 31:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:27

Because so many times have I've me and her sit on the back deck fishing, um, and something comes in my head, and when she's trying to talk to me, that trigger made me say something stupid that she had nothing to do with.

SPEAKER_03 31:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:39

And there's a way that we can come come I can't even talk today. We can combat that without that happening, infecting everybody around us. There's a way for us to be healed. Yes, the memory's always gonna be there, but the pain and the PTSD and all that anxiety doesn't have to be.

SPEAKER_03 31:52

That's right. Yep.

SPEAKER_00 31:53

I was on pills for 12 years, taking them for all this stuff. Anxiety, a PTSD, depression, um, and to the point where I was like a zombie and my heart was so turned off. Like if I did see a friend or somebody dead, it'd just be like, Okay.

unknown 32:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:08

And I don't want to be like that. We don't want to be like that. You don't want to be an emotional person with the people you're have as your family, your close ones, your kids, your your loved ones, whoever, because they would never see the side of you they're supposed to see. They just see that cut-off robot, and that's not who we are.

SPEAKER_02 32:23

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 32:24

Yes, I have amazing testimonies, pull me out of some amazing places. Um, tell you my first mission trip ever was to Sudan on the front line of their Civil War in Africa. So um he sent me to some amazing places. Uh, we've also been to Skidrow in LA. We've been to the border at Warz and El Paso, we've been to Memphis, Atlanta. We do me and her do outreach here, and only with my job, but on our own. And everything always goes back to one thing: 99% of people we meet don't have peace.

SPEAKER_03 32:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:53

Whether it be like of a father, affection, whatever it may be, they have no peace. They're restless. There's a homeless lady I work with today. Me and her saw her, we drove around town doing things for four hours. We've seen her on every end of town.

SPEAKER_02 33:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:05

But she will not sit down and she can't stop.

SPEAKER_02 33:07

Yeah. She's always moving.

SPEAKER_00 33:09

Yes. So I will say one thing that I I know a fact for a fact that um I show you in the past or what God's brought me from now is that um these people that I grew up with were like we thought we're gonna be brothers to the end and um see all these things, and then when I moved back to Carlsville and gave my life to Christ and started seeing him do things in my life, I noticed they really wasn't my friends in the first place.

SPEAKER_03 33:34

That's right. Yep.

SPEAKER_00 33:35

When you go home and you're laying on the pillow, it doesn't matter who's next to you. Um you can be still only.

SPEAKER_03 33:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:43

Because 100%. Because we're not given what we're supposed to be given to. I say God, you do it your way, but mine is Jesus, and that's I believe it's the only way. But I've offended her in ways because and I thank you, Holy Spirit, you put that out too. When you're in this line of work, first responders, military, all this stuff, you always get that second of thrill when something's about to happen.

SPEAKER_03 34:04

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 34:05

When we don't have it, we feel lost and we go looking for it in the wrong ways.

SPEAKER_02 34:09

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 34:09

Maybe it's motorcycles, maybe it's I went skydiving, motorcycle, uh, hot rods, I had a Mustang all souped up that I wanted to go that that just that one little feeling you get when you're about to go do the things you're called to do, but in the wrong place.

SPEAKER_02 34:23

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 34:23

Hadn't happened a long time. Maybe she's not and I'm not saying she is or not. Maybe I haven't got to see her in a few days, or things are not going right. We're arguing. We want to find that cheap thrill real quick. Yeah. No matter what it may be. It can be corn, it can be another person. Um, it doesn't matter. We gotta find a way that we can stop that from making us make the wrong decisions. And I realize that when you're falling from uh an airplane, uh, I forgot how fast we're going, 120 mile an hour, I think, or however fast they said it was. Um that split second, I felt that temporary peace.

SPEAKER_03 34:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:56

When you get in your car and you're leaving the fire department, you've had a tough night, you can just floor it on that straightaway. That's a sign of you looking for that little touch of speed that we're I wouldn't say addicted to, but it makes us feel like this is what we're doing.

SPEAKER_02 35:10

Yeah. Um we're always looking for that little adrenaline dump.

SPEAKER_00 35:13

Yes, exactly, to get the endorphins going. And um those those things can turn us the wrong way where we hurt the people around us. Mine was um, I'm gonna be honest, mine was women.

SPEAKER_03 35:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:24

And um, this got me in trouble to pass, yes. But thank God he gave me a godly woman that looks over my back and looks after me. Even when I do mess up, not send them out here at the strip club, but I'm going through Kroger and see the wrong thing. Oh, and she can say, and if she don't punch me, shey, don't do that, you know. Yeah, but the thing is, is uh with Jesus, I noticed the closer I get to him, the less I want to do the things that harm me, no matter if it is get that quick um adrenaline rush the wrong way. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with hunting, fishing, working out, jujitsu, all that because it's positive, but everything that I remember that triggered it in the past was negative.

SPEAKER_03 36:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:03

How do I get rid of all this stuff that's happened to me? And um, it's always been God. And the more I read about him, the more I study him, the more I worship him, the more that stuff gets taken away. Some of it, some people I've seen it overnight, no problems. I was deployed with a guy who saw one guy who was already shot, lost it. BTSD 100% can't work. And I think another way to get rid of this stuff, and uh, if I go too long, just let me know, is Romans 12, it says to renew your mind by the watching of the word. If you do not re renew your mind in some kind of way, it's gonna play those same nasty movies over and over and over. And um, like, yes, my God, thank you. The testimony part is not important as this. Like, every time I've ever been, the where I thought I was the least of these, he's always showed up. Yeah, always. Jesus came to the shepherds. I mean, the angels came to shepherds first, the lowest of the low, to tell them about Jesus before anybody else. Through the lowest of the low. And that's the same people we walk by and look down on today.

SPEAKER_03 37:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:03

And I was one of those. Blue Mohawk, 12 inches, you know, pierced up, weird kid on purpose, so people would talk about me, so I could fight him.

SPEAKER_03 37:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:12

Now it's like, let me find that same kid because I can tell him where he's going wrong.

SPEAKER_03 37:16

Yeah. Yep.

SPEAKER_00 37:17

But um, the thing, another thing I'll say, Holy Spirit, whatever you want me to say, is that um the cool thing about doing podcasts and stuff, you're not in on the pulpit, you can tell people that, hey, the guy behind that microphone is not perfect. Yeah. And you're not going to be. And and there's going to be things that um it's going to make you feel like you're the worst person on earth. May it be, may it be your own mistakes or somebody else's mistake that affected you, doesn't define the person who you are.

SPEAKER_03 37:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:46

And I had to learn that. Just because I went through and suffered things and made stupid decisions doesn't mean I have to stay that person. What we get hung up is when we fail, we stay, stay down, we don't get up.

SPEAKER_02 37:57

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 37:57

Proverbs says a man falls seven and gets up eight. Yep. We can go on and on. My one of my favorite um stories in the world was my dad. Uh he was a Ford Deserver, called for fire. I did that for a short time. That means when things are getting messy, you're calling for airstrikes. Yeah. And uh he went out with about 30 people and only he came back in Vietnam. And um, I asked him how. He said, Um, I knew I couldn't quit, and two, somebody had to be praying for me. This is this is a person who said they didn't believe, but now they look back, yeah, they can see God. And uh my favorite story was him. I won't get into the bloody guts of it, but it was down to him, another guy, and they're out of ammo.

SPEAKER_03 38:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:36

And they got awards and all that, but who cares? You've survived this thing.

SPEAKER_02 38:41

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 38:42

But um, the other thing that I can feel that I feel I want to talk to, especially firefighters, is um just remember if you can run into a fire and save somebody, then you can run into God and save yourself.

SPEAKER_02 38:55

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 38:55

Let Him save you.

SPEAKER_02 38:56

100%.

SPEAKER_00 38:57

Because we give enough people the right motivation, they're gonna do, they're gonna run into that fire. They just ain't trained in stuff like you are and run back out. The thing is the next day when you have to live with what you saw.

SPEAKER_03 39:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:10

What are you gonna do with that? Are you gonna hand it to God or are you gonna hold on to it and live like that the rest of your life? No wonder the divorce rate in military is 80% where I was. 80%. I don't know about here, but military, 80%. Why? Come home, you can't tell her, hey, I saw a kid got his blow on his head, he got his head blown off today. Yeah, even if she says, Oh, I'm sorry, she's not gonna identify with you what you're seeing. But the God of God who you said, why is he let bad stuff? He doesn't let have bad stuff happen. He lets bad stuff that we go through shape us.

SPEAKER_03 39:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:42

And I had to learn that the stuff that was done to me wasn't because of God, it was because of a person making a decision. That's right.

SPEAKER_02 39:48

Um hundred percent.

SPEAKER_00 39:49

The things that I did, I can't go look at you, look at her, look at this. I have to look back and say, regardless of what I've done and been through, that still doesn't make that decision the right decision.

SPEAKER_03 39:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:00

Because it's still wrong. And um, I learned that just prison guard. Um, I learned that like the person who's your friend dapping it up with you when you walk through the cell might be your buddy today. Tomorrow he might try to stab you.

SPEAKER_03 40:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:14

So the only person I've learned I ever trusted besides uh learning to trust her was God. And um, when a preacher comes up and says, Justin, I see he didn't even know what I was going through. Um, I sit down, he just walks up, says, I see PTSD written on the back of your head. I'm like, dude, that I used to see that stuff when I used to trip back in the day. And I was like, my mom was uh before she met this pastor, she I was a bedside Baptist, meaning I believe, but I stayed at home in the bed. Yeah. When he told me that, I knew, you know, slowly I had to start giving my life to God. Um what is different about this episode? Because I want to call you out and tell you to get help. Yeah. I want to tell you if you feel suicidal, talk to somebody, call the line. I want to tell you if you feel like you're about to take another drink or sleep with another person, get the help that you're supposed to get. I still get help.

SPEAKER_03 41:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:03

I still go and talk to somebody if I need to.

SPEAKER_03 41:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:06

Especially if I don't feel like I can tell her some man things you don't want to talk about with your wife.

SPEAKER_03 41:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:11

If you feel like that you're about to lose it and you're that kettle that I was talking about to blow about to blow up, um, definitely get help. Because when mine blew up, is when I tried to kill myself.

SPEAKER_03 41:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:21

Because when I got to that end saying there is no God, nobody we all have done it. Nobody cares about me. Poor me. I got the suckiest job on earth, blah, blah, blah. And I'm just gonna stop and quit. That's when the kettle's about to blow up. That's when you need to talk to somebody or the or the pressure cooker is what I call it. But um, even now, after being out of the army in 2015 and not dealing with a lot of trauma since then, unless I brought up myself, I still have to go back and and go through things for God to show me, hey, I need to take that right there. Yeah, yeah. And I'll end with this. I hope this is long enough. But I end had a dream one night that I was in this huge junkyard, and um, I know it sounds silly, but I see Jesus, not Jesus you see on TV or the chosen or nothing. I see Jesus in the background, and I could see was the silhouette in this light, but I knew in the dream that it was Jesus.

SPEAKER_03 42:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:13

And this junk in this junk car was around me, and it's like every time I wave at him, he'll take a step, and that junk would be removed. And every time I look at him, now you know how we do the men do the head nod, he'll walk closer.

SPEAKER_03 42:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:26

And um, I remember one day um I mean, when I thought about the dream after I got saved, that was God removing everything that was in the way of him. And if you want a relationship with him today, let him do that. No matter what the pain is, no matter what the trauma is, let him walk up and let him touch it. I promise you, it'll be better. Still working on me, still trauma I gotta get through. Um, sometimes I don't think until we make it to the other side that all of it's gonna be healed. Until then, but at least get help so you don't do the crazy stuff, lose your career. One of the best soldiers I had in my life. I mean, he would fight for you a drop of a hat, got drunk, rode his motorcycle. I'm serious, 30 yards to the store to get beer, and uh got pulled over and got D UI and kicked out of the army.

SPEAKER_02 43:10

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 43:11

Thirty yards.

SPEAKER_02 43:12

Never know.

SPEAKER_00 43:13

Another friend of mine um couldn't handle it, went AWAL. What do you do when all this stuff starts hitting you? I mean, we can quote Rocky all day when he's talking about the wind and the rain and all that. No, what do I found out if I fall on my knees in front of a savior, then that's what I need to do.

SPEAKER_03 43:29

Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 43:30

That's what keeps me going. And and her, like there's been several nights lay in bed. I quit. It ain't worth it. I ain't worth it. I'm a piece of junk. She would have somebody would have to shake me, quit being a crybaby, get your butt up and move on. But um, anyway, the best other thing I'll say is this, and I know we're bouncing, but um, I just want to give you a background of where where I'm at now is that me and her, um, she's volunteering for the Compassion Center. I work there. We see 45 to 50 homeless Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, and then the days that we don't, I go into the camps. Yeah. I actually go inside the camps, build relationships with them. We've got sixty six off the street, and that means not going back.

SPEAKER_03 44:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:12

Now that's awesome. There's some that went to rehab first or domestic violence first, but there's a lot of them that's off the streets. Now I just Got word from a guy yesterday. He's been disabled, couldn't get his disability. Um, he has an apartment and uh a job by the end of this month. And it's just awesome. To see that sort of helps me heal also. And um this I will leave you with uh my favorite sergeant of the army, they called me Man Beast, that was my call name. Tall, big, and hairy. I was about 300 pounds in, and he was Thor. We called him uh Sergeant Thor, and he said, One day your scars are gonna help other people heal.

SPEAKER_04 44:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:50

And every person I talked to that's went in some kind of trauma like that. I tell them, man, it was one of my guys, I don't know if y'all who responded, it was one of my guys that got killed here on 75 by the transfer that got hit.

SPEAKER_03 45:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:04

And a few of the firefighters had to see that, and I know what it's like.

SPEAKER_03 45:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:08

And um, I said, see, we need somebody like you or somebody that's experienced that to go sit and talk to them and let them get it out of 'em, 'cause it's something you never forget.

SPEAKER_03 45:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:17

Again, the closer I get to them, the less I think about this stuff. But there's days where we're all throwing that fishing line out, whatever you may do, and I'm about to reel in my little jig, and it'll hit me.

SPEAKER_03 45:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:30

Oh man, I remember when that happened. And then right there's a decision if I'm gonna trust God or I'm gonna freak out.

SPEAKER_03 45:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:37

And it's that fast. You have to make a decision that fast. Because I didn't before. I didn't make the decision to stop something I should have stopped because I knew, like we said, that little piece of adrenaline was gonna get me going for just a short second.

SPEAKER_02 45:50

Get you by just a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 45:51

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 45:52

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 45:52

But now to let off the pressure cooker, it's um it's what I told you. Meditating on the word, brand, guide, spending time with your loved ones, finding something to do, find an outlet. I don't care if you have anger issues, go get help. I had them. Sometimes I think I still do. She'll tell you. She lives with me. But um the best part of this testimony is that finding Jesus and he changed me from being a drug addict, a drunk, a womanizer, a wannabe thug, into a man of God who wants to serve the people that nobody wants to serve. And that's my testimony.

SPEAKER_02 46:23

Yep. Listening to your story, that is amazing to me. And especially as you go back through everything that was diverted, these little moments where like you could have been killed, or you could have got involved with this or done that or whatever. And the Lord knew then the direction he wanted for you. Yes. And he put something in the way, or he put, you know, the timeline wasn't right or whatever, and it just kind of guided you. And I'm sure at that point had no idea that's what was happening. No idea. Um but he knows the long game, he knows what the plan is, and my every testimony starts with a test. Yes. Uh so man, it's it's amazing, and I think it's that conversation is so needed. Um, I had a little note wrote down about um just about judging people. Because if we meet somebody, me and you literally met today an hour ago. You know, we talked on the phone once, whatever, but when that happens, all I know about you is what I see right now. Right. You know, and even if it's somebody that you run into on the street and you get to know them a little bit, you know them in the capacity they're in right now. Right. We all have a story. Yes, sir. And your whole life, your whole story got you here. Yes, which is where you're supposed to be. That's right. And I don't know, I like we try not to judge people. Where he sometimes it slips out. You know, we're human. But it's hard for me to judge you for sin and different than I do. Right. And I don't care how much we act like we got it together. And I always use this analogy of I got four kids, I'm married, drive into church, and we're griping and fussing, and the kids is fussing, and then you open the door at church and it's hey, how are you doing? Everything is perfect. And that's the way we try to live our lives, you know. We don't want everybody to know we got stuff, but we all got stuff. Uh so yeah, man, that was that was awesome. I I I think, like I said, I think it's very beneficial. And we talked a little bit about some things that's happened in the fire service in the past, and um what I'll throw this question back to you real quick. What do you think people get wrong about addiction?

SPEAKER_00 48:49

The after you get into it it's a choice.

SPEAKER_02 48:52

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 48:53

After you do it a couple of times and they say put your hooks in, you um it takes an army and God to get you out.

SPEAKER_03 49:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 49:04

I've seen too many die from it because they hadn't they never surrendered. And it takes full surrender of everything you are, everything you believe, everything you want to be or ever thought you was, down to one point if I'm gonna stop doing this or not.

SPEAKER_03 49:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 49:18

And I said, God, if you don't take it from me, even you know, even the smallest things like smoking a um a thing with some acid on it that don't seem big until the person wants to do it again and again, and finally they get something heavier like meth or something else, you know. And then once it gets the hooks in, addiction is it's a monster.

SPEAKER_03 49:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 49:40

I call it a demon, but monster, whatever you want to call it, but it's not a decision. Yes, you made a decision that first time to do it, but after that it's not, it's control.

SPEAKER_02 49:48

Uh uh so I've never drank alcohol, never done drugs, but as an early teenager, I started dipping snuff.

SPEAKER_00 49:55

Me too.

SPEAKER_02 49:57

And boy I went to school with got me some, you know, and I southern boy knew all about dipping snuff, you know. And I thought, man, I gotta do this because it'd be so cool standing around spitting everywhere. It's just stupid. But the first time I never threw up, but man, lightheaded felt terrible. And I said, I will never do this again until about two days later. I tried it again and I didn't feel that way. It felt you know, I got a little kind of buzz from it or whatever. I was 14 years old. I'm 45, I still dip snow. Oh man. And it is I know that's not even comparable to the drugs and all that stuff, but it is the addiction. It is you get where you depend on something so much, it's it's hard to just walk away from it.

SPEAKER_00 50:47

Even the motion of hitting the can, see, uh, I give you a quick funny. The reason I quit dipping is I was a gunner in the middle of Afghanistan desert, and um the guy took off and didn't tell me, so the rifle hit me in my mouth and I swallowed the blood and busted. This is how hard it hit me. I busted the skull bandit pouch. Wow. And swallowed it all. So I called Say, hey y'all watch my six, and they're like, Why? And I was like, Watch this. You ever see young guns? It's like, yeah. Blah. And said 18 hours in the desert with just a uh a gallon of water. No, I've never, I've never haven't touched it since.

SPEAKER_02 51:20

Yeah, that's good.

SPEAKER_00 51:21

But addictions in all forms. A lot of the time we think it's drugs. The pastor that weighs 300 pounds that eats a bucket of chicken every night to comfort herself is just as much addiction as something else is, just the consequences may be different.

SPEAKER_02 51:33

Yeah, that's right. 100%. And and I think that goes back to what we justify.

SPEAKER_00 51:38

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 51:38

You know, eating a bucket of chicken don't sound like that big a deal. No. Uh, but it's the same, just like you said, the addiction part's the same.

SPEAKER_00 51:45

Slow death.

SPEAKER_02 51:46

Uh so on the PD uh PTSD side, um I know it's hot in here and we'll wrap up in a minute if y'all are good. Um so we do deal with that a lot. And I pulled up some stats on it, and it says around 20% of firefighters deal with PTSD. I caught bull crap on that number. Me too. Because there's like I I would I would say 70%, 80%. Um divorce rates are high, and it's a lot of it goes back to what you talked about earlier. We we deal with all this stuff and we push it down and we push it down. And um I talked to Clay about it also. So we have a peer support team that is a few members of the fire department who have been through state certification and all this different stuff, but um that is that whole mindset of peer support and mental health is new because up until just a few years ago, it was don't say nothing, you're weak, and you just push it down, you deal with it, and you act like you're okay for 15 years, 10 years, whenever it hits you, and all of a sudden, bam, something triggers it, and then bad things can happen. So we're making strides toward the mental health side being better with that. Awesome. Um, and that's that's some of what Clay does too. He he assists with that too. But um, yeah, man, just like we see the alcohol abuse and the burnout and the addiction and all this stuff, and a lot of times it like it takes over.

SPEAKER_00 53:17

Um and it can be any man, not just one. It can be the best man, it can be the less man. Everybody gets affected by it one way or another.

SPEAKER_02 53:25

Yeah, absolutely. We all want to think we're we wouldn't let that happen. Right. It could happen to any of us.

SPEAKER_00 53:31

So when I saw, I'm just gonna be transparent, when I saw her face um when I hurt her because I never put my hands on her like that, but hurt her because of litting triggers and things guided me to get that quick, like you said, that adrenaline rush when I saw her, how it affected her. And um, I'm not talking about like three years ago, I'm talking about recently.

SPEAKER_03 53:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 53:53

How I saw certain decisions I made, if I watch a certain thing or do a certain thing, it's still gonna affect the people around you, especially people you love.

SPEAKER_02 54:01

Everything affects everybody around us at some to some degree.

SPEAKER_00 54:04

Finding that root of that PTSD where it started and and healing from there. Remember, I said that if any of y'all remember anything I said today, that root, finding that root of that first uh traumatic thing and healing from there, that's when you start seeing the changes on the outside. But you won't see that until you change the inside.

SPEAKER_02 54:22

That's right. Starts on the inside.

SPEAKER_00 54:24

Yes, and I I agree, like second until the last 10 years, that's the biggest I've seen people start caring about first responders. We're talking about firefighters today. Firefighters um even get an a blink. Like y'all see it way more than the soldiers do. We see it when we deploy. We don't see it on the state side, y'all see it in your job probably once or twice a week. Yeah, and there's gotta be a way to cope with that besides the way we've been doing. Man, it's not weak to cry, it's not weak to get counseling, it's not weak to go and talk to somebody, it's not bad to open up to your wife, even if she don't understand, at least you can get off your chest or your husband, whoever you may be, wherever you may lay. When you're sitting alone at night and those thoughts are rushing through your head, there's only one way to turn to get rid of that, and that's not to inside yourself, because we gotta be delivered of that.

SPEAKER_02 55:10

Absolutely. All right, one last question. Yes, sir. When you look forward from where you are right now, what drives you?

SPEAKER_00 55:20

One, my faith, my my wife, a good husband's a provider, and um the other thing that drives me is I want to see every single person that I come across, no matter who they are, color, creed, what they believe or anything, feel like that they're a human right then. What drives me is that person who ain't showered in three weeks, you pick them up offside the road, they go shower, you pray with them, you feed them, and then you show them how to get out of where they're at, and you see that end result. That's what drives me. One guy we found I found behind Big Mamas. I don't know if you know where that is, the laundromat on Tennessee. Yeah, yeah, I do. I found him behind there, a Navy veteran, um, drunk on meth. As of two weeks ago, he got his own apartment working his own job and has been clean for over a year now. That's what uh motivates me is to see that end result. If we look at what we're seeing now, it's never gonna make sense. That's right. But if we can see the end result, that's what makes sense. You you never know how you're gonna impact somebody, even if it's you pulled up and got a cat out of the tree. I don't know if that happens anymore, but I'm just saying Andy Griffith stuff. But if you drive up and put out a little brush fire, those people are never gonna forget you.

SPEAKER_02 56:27

Yeah, that's it. That's right.

SPEAKER_00 56:28

So when they meet me, I want to I don't care if they remember me, I want to remember that this guy talked about God and he lived it. Do I do it all the time? Hey, no.

SPEAKER_03 56:37

Oh, we fail right back. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 56:38

I mean, I did kick the dog three days ago on the butt, not hard enough enough to know, hey, and I said stuff, but um PTSD is real, but there's also God that's real that can help you with it.

SPEAKER_02 56:50

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 56:50

And that's that that's the only way I can get through life is with him and of course him giving me her.

SPEAKER_03 56:55

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 56:56

And um the other thing, the other motivation, I know you said one thing, but the thing that motivates me to know is Pastor James at um Crosspoint said this. He said there's only one thing you can take to heaven, and that's other people.

SPEAKER_02 57:11

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 57:11

And that's my main concern is other people.

SPEAKER_02 57:14

Yep, that is all we can take.

SPEAKER_00 57:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 57:17

Good deal. Man, that's that's some good stuff. Let's let's lighten it up just a little bit. Okay. All right, so these are totally unrelated to anything we've talked about so far. So what what artist or music are you into right now?

SPEAKER_00 57:31

Man, everything, but I've been hung up on a Christian metal band called Demon Hunter lately. It's driving her crazy. And there's a Christa rapper I've been hung up on named Seven, um, who was uh blood for 19 years. Okay. And uh he's a minister now, but those two have been cranking up in the car, and she's like, I've done heard this song fast forward, you know, skip. But right now that's what's in my playlist.

SPEAKER_02 57:53

I got you. That's awesome. So I've been listening to Forrest Frank. I don't know if you've listened to any of his stuff. I like it. We actually seen him in con in concert at uh Gas South Arena in Duluth. Super humble dude. Is he? Uh yeah. I love his music. Like he does a good job. Uh, there's another singer, Emily Ann Roberts. I've been listening to her some of her stuff, more kind of bluegrass country style stuff, so I like it pretty good. So, other than this fantastic podcast, what other podcast you've been listening to?

SPEAKER_00 58:22

I have a friend uh named Shane Franks who does one in Dalton, and it's about people uh who's died or went on before and came back.

SPEAKER_03 58:30

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 58:30

And they just give a testimony of what they saw and what and some of them were not Christians. Um, so don't think it's a preaching thing, it's not, it's just their experience when they died. And uh really that's about it besides the podcast from Cross Point. Um, who else tell him? Uh a guy, a preacher named Damon Thompson. If you never heard him, look him up.

SPEAKER_02 58:47

Okay, I'll check that one out.

SPEAKER_00 58:49

Uh he'll hurt your feelings, but in the end you'll know he loves you.

SPEAKER_02 58:51

We'll get we gotta get our toes stepped on sometimes.

SPEAKER_00 58:54

And um Philip Anthony Mitchell, the preacher, I listen to his podcast. Yeah, but okay. And I can't remember the one with the guy who served and now he's saved. I can't remember. I watch him every single day. He's got a podcast of like telling the military men.

SPEAKER_02 59:08

Yeah. Sort of like Chaco. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've watched some of his stuff. Uh John Lovell, I don't know if you're aware of him. I listen to his stuff. He's he's awesome. Uh a podcast in Hay, it's called Alab Hayden, Alabama Podcast, and it's just small town. It's it's like it's good, clean podcast, but it's just small town guys. Um awesome conversations and stuff. So what's your favorite Bible verse and why?

SPEAKER_00 59:36

Isaiah 4031. Um, when it says demo on the eagle's wings, yeah. I cannot quote it right now. I usually have it by heart, but uh the reason is that when I first got saved, this guy, and I'm not saying he's a prophet or apostle and all that stuff. I'm just saying this guy was said, I've been in prayer and God told me you do scripture. So every time I went somewhere, no matter where I've I spent six months in Kenya on a mission trip. Um spent um six weeks in Sudan, Eritrea, Ethiopia, and Somalia doing mission work. Every single place I've been on this earth, no matter if it was army or I was a believer or not, somebody always came up with that verse and gave it to me.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:13

No matter where I was. That's awesome. Those who wait on the Lord shall mount up on wings of eagles, they shall walk and not faint, run and not be weary. Somewhere in there. And um, that end is for me. Keep running, but you won't grow weary. I don't mean running from him, like running for him.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:29

Yep, run into him.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:30

Run into him. But that's my favorite scripture.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:32

Good deal. Uh uh I I've mentioned it before. I love the book of James because it is, hey, this is how it is. Do it this way, like to the point, straight. Yes. And uh so James 3, 2, and 4. I I don't know that's my favorite, but I've I've been reading that scripture a little bit. But it it's talking about how easy it is to offend people, how small our tongue is, but how much damage it can do, and it talks about the ship, big ship, and it's tossed by waves, but the helm is small. Right. Um, and I I made a little note about this, but w where the where the head goes, the body follows. That's right. And so many bad decisions and bad rationalizations start in our head, you know, and we hear this all the time. Do what you want. You know, just you know, be yourself, do what you want. That's terrible advice.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:22

Well, I tell her all the time I do what I want. Well I don't. I you know.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:27

But you know, everybody's in this whole mode of just you know, just didn't please yourself.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:33

Be happy.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:33

Yeah, just be happy. Well, that's not how we need to be. No. And we can't follow our head because that's worst decision ever. And then, you know, we can't even really follow our heart because our heart will leave us just as wrong. And uh Jeremiah 17 9 says that the heart is deceitful above all things. Um so yeah, man, if we we gotta be following the Lord every day. And it's like your story, there's so many times that not as many times as you. But the Lord has steered me in little ways that kept me out of trouble or kept me safe or kept me whatever. But and I don't know, man. It's awesome. I I like I can't tell you how much I appreciate y'all coming in and you sharing your story and we appreciate you inviting us.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:22

And like I said, I want to hit the highlights more talk about who can help you out of those things that you suffer. Um, I love that you're what you're doing because what you're hearing on the radio now, you might be the next one to go out. You never know what you're gonna see or what respond to.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:37

That's what you had mentioned that you're always kinda in this state of like I'm fixing to go somewhere.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:43

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:44

And that's how we go to bed. You go to bed because we people some people think, man, y'all stay up 24 hours. No. Like we we have bedrooms. Right. But you go to bed and in your mind you're thinking, all right, tone's gonna drop any second I'm gonna get up, and it it might be to help little old Bobby Sue up out of the floor, but could be an apartment complex burning that you have no idea, and you're always in this state of it's fixing to happen. Yes. And it's on guard all the time. Exhausting. Yes. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:15

There's no real rest.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:16

No, there is. And it and it is so hard to get off at seven o'clock in the morning and drive home and turn it off.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:23

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:23

You don't like it don't turn off. It's weird.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:27

She'll tell you, um, I'll just give you experience with me. I had shoulder surgery about a year ago, a little over a year ago, and I told the nurse, when you wake me up, don't touch me. And she touched me, I swung at her.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:38

So you're right. It's it's not something that's just overnight goes. It's not. And you're trained that way to stay on guard all the time because that's what we do.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:47

But when you're at home and you're reading a story to your five-year-old, how do you turn that off?

SPEAKER_03 1:03:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:51

And that's why I said again, go get help in God, man.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:54

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:55

Because now when I'm walking and hiking with her, I'm not worried about getting attacked from behind by some ninjas or something. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:02

Yeah. Yep. Well, like I said, I appreciate both y'all coming on and sharing your story. And if you have information uh as far like because we're local to this community, right. Um, as far as a resource and you'd like to put out, then we can do that.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:19

Um Cross Point at Compassion Center on nine Sunday mornings is basically a little get together group men uh Bible study for first responders.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:28

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:28

I haven't got to attend, but I've heard great things about it. And I'm after this coming weekend, I'm gonna try to start going. Also, um, me with the VA always use the crisis lines, but there's plenty of places to get help and go talk to people. I tell you this: if you're a firefighter, I would try to find somebody that could I could sit in tall wood that's sort of been through stuff you've been through so you can really because my first counselor, no offense to anybody, was transitioning, if you know what I mean. And never been deployed before, never been in any kind of combat. It's like, how are you gonna help me?

SPEAKER_02 1:05:00

We run into that too, because we have we have mental health clinicians and resources, and then I'm gonna go in there and tell you all my problems and my trauma that I'm dealing with, and you have no idea, like not to say you can't help me, because you still understand emotional well-being. Right. But you ain't never been through what I've been through. I mean, you know, and maybe that's some justification for us to not go. But it is. But uh yeah, you want somebody who's like-minded and understands what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:30

And that goes for anybody, whatever. I mean, trauma, you can get trauma for seeing your dog get hit. Yeah. Not saying you can't, but there's certain levels of trauma that's deeper than others, and it takes more time to heal than just some medicines and repeat this prayer five times.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:44

Yep. Yeah, right. Well, good deal. Like I said, I appreciate y'all coming on. I know this ain't easy, but it it does matter. I appreciate the invite. Absolutely. So stories like this remind us people aren't just where they are today. There's a story behind that that got them to that point. So thank you for listening to Wine the Q, the stories behind the sirens.