Stuck Like Chuck: What I Heard Then, How I Respond Now

In this episode of She is Shonté: The Putting Your Best Foot Forward Series, we’re talking about something many people carry but don’t always recognize the lasting impact of the words spoken around us as children.

The conversations adults have, the tone they use, and the things children hear whether direct or indirect don’t just disappear. They settle. They stick. And over time, they can shape how we communicate, how we respond, and how we protect ourselves in adulthood.

Some words don’t just pass through… they stay. Stuck like Chuck.

In this episode, we explore:

How adult conversations and environments impact children

The subtle ways harmful or heavy words take root early

How those patterns show up later in communication, tone, and reactions

What it looks like to become aware and shift from reaction to intention

This conversation isn’t about blame , it’s about awareness.

Because putting your best foot forward isn’t just about how you present yourself to the world…

…it’s about understanding what shaped you, and choosing how you show up anyway.

Stay connected and continue the journey.

This is more than a podcast, it’s a call to become more intentional in how you show up, speak, and move.

If this resonated with you, share it with someone who needs it.

The same voice just wiser, quieter, and more intentional.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Tender ears, hearing words far beyond their ears. I was learning to function and dysfunction with a smile on my face, giving grace in place of more pain. Because even then, I understood what more pain could do. Compassion became the safest choice because as a child I literally didn't have a voice. I was sitting in rooms where laughter followed language that didn't feel like love. Trying to understand why some words didn't feel like love when love. Love should feel like action magnified by a million smiles. Especially for a child. Welcome to She is Shantae, the Putting Your Best Foot Forward series, where in every episode we dig deep, get to the root of what we've experienced, and leave with real practical tools to help us heal and move forward on purpose. I'm not a therapist, I'm a woman on my grown woman recovery journey. I'm not speaking from above you, I'm speaking right with you. From one adult working daily to put her best foot forward to another. And today, today, guys, we're talking about impact. The impact of harmful words spoken to a child, especially within our own families. Now let's talk about it. Now, now there are certain things that happen in families that we kind of normalize. And it's it's actually it's it's it's actually very harmful. I'm gonna just say that. I just I had to pause for a minute because hear me when I say the things that we normalize can be harmful. I want that to hit home. Let it sit right there with you. I want to talk about some of the issues that we may experience. Now, again, I'm always gonna say it. This is my perspective. Only my perspective. I can't speak for anyone else. I'm just, you know, I'm just one woman, like I say. I'm I'm on my healing journey, so I want to share. One of the patterns that doesn't really get talked about enough is really division within the family. Not just comparison, but separation. Where it's this side of the family versus that side. And even within one family, you start to see groups form, cousins being compared, subtle competitions being created, comments that separate instead of unifying. I've seen it firsthand. Cousins against cousins, competitions. It's it's pretty sad. As a child, you don't really fully understand, you just feel it. You feel the tension, you feel the comparisons, you feel like what in the world's going on here? I thought we were all family, and this is in a place that this is supposed to be a safe space. This is family, this is home. Children have to deal with enough outside of home, but then battling within the home. That love and pain, that's where it exists in the same space. Now I'm gonna I'm gonna give you a little context here. I want to share a story. Um, this is a story, this is these are words that I heard over and over growing up. I would hear the Ruckers think they're better than everybody. So the Ruckers, who are the Ruckers? The Ruckers are that's my mom's family. My mom's parents and her siblings. So hearing the Ruckers think they're better than everybody was extremely confusing to me because I knew I didn't think I'm a Rucker. Now, that again, that's that's my mom's family, but I didn't think I was better than anyone. I surely don't believe my mother or my grandmother or my mother's siblings thought that they were better than anyone. They were just people. Now, unfortunately, I never had the opportunity to meet my grandfather because he passed before I was born. Um, but I would hear the stories. My grandfather was ex-military, he worked every day to provide for his family. Um excellent provider. They had a beautiful home right there in Kansas City off of 43rd and Bell Fountain. Um, there was, I would hear, you know, the stories about 43rd and Bell Fountain. That was right on the line where a lot of black families at the time didn't really live in that area. And so my grandfather purchased a home that stayed in our family for many years, many years. And that home was home base. It was where a lot of family gathered. Um, he was a an excellent provider and let my dad tell it, he was a man's man. He not only provided very well for his family, but he also was very respected outside of the family. He took care of his extended family as well. So to hear that we thought we were better than everyone, well, I started to look at it later, like I guess they're in competition and there should be no competition. But those are the some of some of the things that I personally had to deal with growing up. And then when things like that are said over and over again, you start to wonder why. Another issue is speaking negatively about a child's parent in front of them, you know, jokes, comments, little jabs. A child sees themselves in both parents. So when one parent is torn down, they internalize that too. So let me tell you about my dad. My last name is Chandler. My maiden name, excuse me. Maiden name's Chandler. That was my dad's last name. Now, my dad suffered from schizophrenia. My dad suffered from schizophrenia. A few of his brothers suffered from mental illness, and his grandfather also suffered from mental illness. So this was in the bloodline. This was something that they could not control. It was, it was, it lay dormant in the bloodline. Um, and let me just give you let me give you a fact about mental illness because I've had to study it. I had to, I wanted to understand it. Um, when something lays dormant, it can be turned on by drug use. So know that it can be turned on by drug use. So my father was diagnosed with mental illness in his early 20s. And when he hit that, that uh, not the blunt, but when he hit that joint, baby, that mental illness was turned on and it never, it was, it was unfortunately never turned off. It had to be controlled with medication. And if my father, just like anyone that um is mentally ill, if they do not take their medication, then it is terrible. But I thank God that I did not really see that in my dad. I didn't see those mental breaks. Um, because my grandmother, his mother, an angel walking this earth, uh, she really did protect me from a lot of that. So I'm very grateful for that. But I would hear all the time that them chandlers are crazy. And I just thought, why are you talking about my daddy? Because my daddy, schizophrenic or not, was an amazing man. Prior to any of this mental illness stuff coming about for him, he was, you know, he was an athlete. He was a he was a scholar, he was so super intelligent, so super intelligent. He was a gentle man, a peaceful man. And so to hear these things about the dad who really treated me well, took very good care of me, was amazing, was the first man to um give me roses, take me on trips, whine and dine me, had my first lobster with my dad. To hear these negative things was really devastating for me. And I really don't believe that my family understood that what they were saying was was absorbed because I absorbed, I absorbed it all. And I love my family, don't get me wrong, but sometimes, you know, people don't know what they're doing. And so that may not be your story, but maybe you grew up in a situation where the other parent was being talked about. And again, we love both parents, we love our parents, period. Or maybe you were in a a step parent household, and that parent that was not in the home was being talked about. It's still not good. Another issue that you know that does happen in our families is there are situations where adult relationships are prioritized, excuse me, over children. So maybe you've remarried and that spouse takes priority, if you will, over the child. Now I'm gonna say this. Now the Bible says, now the Bible says it, it does say this, that it is God, your spouse, and then your children. So I'm not I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about when wrong is really being done to your children, it's like it's dismissed. And when I say being wrong, maybe the other parent is being talked about, um, and there's no correction. There's no correction. That was just an example. Another issue is like name calling. We can't ignore this. Name calling within families is real and it can be cruel. You know, things like, you know, you too sensitive, or you know, I was a sensitive child, so I I definitely um I recall that. Now I'm gonna say this. I use my tears a lot because I knew I was spoiled, guys. I knew if I said, if I cried in front of my grandmothers, those tears were going to get me a lot. Uh so you know, I use them, but also I was sensitive because the words that were being said, I was never going to challenge anything. I mean, respect is it's big in the black community, and so I didn't want to, you know, come back with, what did you say about my daddy? Or what did you just call me, or things like that, because you know that can be looked at as disrespectful. So I held it. It stayed with me, and um, you know, I was a little sensitive. So, you know, being called sensitive or you know, you fast or you just like your daddy, these things are hurtful, and we don't really realize what we're saying and doing, it can impact these children in a negative way later on. Now let's be clear a lot of this doesn't come just out the blue, it doesn't, it just doesn't, da-da, it appears. It does not really happen like that. It comes from what people perhaps experienced themselves. Some things that they never processed, what was normalized for them. That's key. But understand where it comes from. That was not my that was not my mission. I just knew it came from something, and it had a negative impact on me. When a child hears something repeatedly, they don't question it, they absorb it. Let me throw this um this statistic at you. Studies show that repeated negative language can affect confidence, emotional regulation, and how so how someone shows up later in life. So as a child, it may look like crying, like shrinking. Again, I had a huge personality now. Uh, I'm gonna just say this. My family showed me a lot of love. My entire family did. But when when those negative words were were talked about in front of me, when those negative things were said in my presence, this big personality, it was like the night, you know, the night the lights went out in Georgia, I just shrunk. I didn't talk. I went, I withdrew within myself. As a teen, a teen can overthink things. They can, it can look like people pleasing or reacting quickly. Now, a teen is quick to run to their room, withdraw, and that's not good. But that's the way that they may have to cope with something like that. And then in adults, it can be anxiety, excuse me, anxiety. I can't say that word very well. They may be defensive, always feeling on edge. And now that that's not random, guys. That's learned behavior. For me, for me, it showed up in how I responded. So as an adult, I became very direct, very firm, and I was quick to check something. I mean, as a child, they may have gotten that off, but trust the plus. No, I wish you would. I I kind of lived with within that energy very quick. Because in my mind, I'm not gonna sit around, sit through something that feels disrespectful ever again. You know, I can remember um early on I worked for this company, and so this is not even within my family, but I worked for this company, and if somebody says something sideways, I was like, say what? It was, I mean, that was just a part of the way I responded. I was always on go, always ready. You say what, I'm gonna say this. And so imagine now how I'm coming across. I'm coming across as not assertive, but extremely aggressive. And that's honestly, it's not a good look. I had to ask myself, am I responding in this moment or to everything that I experienced before it? But that's really where the shift happens. So now, as as adults, what do we really do with this now? So get your pens and your and your paper out. This is this is the part where I want you to to take notes. Here's some tools that we can use. We can number one identify what was said to you that really stayed with you. Number two, where does it show up now? Where do we see this showing up right now? And number three, pause, catch a beat, as they say. Give yourself time before responding. So for me, I'm always I hear something, I may feel triggered. You may feel that stuff rising up, your blood boiling, as they say. But for me, I go, oh, don't say nothing, girl. Don't say nothing, girl. Don't say I'm still working through it. That's that's my truth. So for me, I use the I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I just, you know, like count to ten type of thing in my head. I'm repeating that verse. Trust me on that. Number four. You know, I love number four. Four is my favorite number. I have to communicate clearly. I I have to really say what I need to say without aggression. Because I've been told many times, I can't believe you said that. You know, again, I'm I'm quick, I have been quick to respond and respond with all the smoke. Like, what's up? And thinking about that, working on that within myself, that came from a place. It came from a place of these were feelings created when I was a child, and as a child, I didn't really have the voice to combat those feelings. But now, now I'm grown. Who gonna check me, boo? That's really where where I was coming from, and again, I do stand my ground, but I I stand my ground with not so much aggression. And number five, set your standard, guys. We teach people how to treat us. Now you can stand your ground, but you can also have an aura about you, an aura of, you know, an understanding. We we gonna get some understanding around here. We are going to know that when you come to me, you're gonna come to me correctly, and you're gonna, you know, kind of set the stage. You have the right to set the atmosphere. Number six, adjust access. Everyone doesn't get the same version of you. So if there is a group of people, a person, a situation that really disturbs your peace, they don't they don't necessarily have to have access to you. You don't have to pick up the phone, you don't have to open the door, you don't have to entertain that crowd. You have the right to determine what is healthy for you and what's not. And the final, number seven, conversations over conflict. You don't need chaos, but you don't need silence either. It's okay to say, hey, that hurt my feelings. It's okay to have discussions when you're ready, with people that perhaps really did hurt your feelings. Now you may, and you've heard this before, I know you have. You may not remember what was said, but you will remember how someone made you feel. And that feeling stays with you long before the words, you know, um, long after, excuse me, long after the words have been spoken. So it's okay to say, hey, that hurt. To have real adult grown conversations, adult conversations, because there are there are family members that are still walking here on this around here on this earth. I'ma say this now. Things were said now for Shantae. Shantae was highly protected by her family. Now, don't get me wrong. My daddy says something around my daddy boy. It was gonna be a problem. It was gonna be a problem. My grandmothers definitely definitely were not playing that. So people, you know, they are savvy, they are slick with it. They will say things around certain people, but they won't say it in all of, you know, just anytime. So there are people, however, that are still walking around here today that have said some slick stuff to me when I was a child that know today, say something. Because I still do have that energy, but I've just learned to just kind of smooth it out. I've I've now, you know, again, I have. I've been working on Shantae. I've been working on putting my best foot forward, and I'm very proud of my progress. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not I'm not where where perhaps I once was. And so it's okay to have those conversations and to, you know, I'ma say, check somebody in your grown way, if they can handle it, in terms of, you know, you don't need to create chaos. It does not need to turn into a fight. And if that conversation is going to the left, perhaps you don't need to have that conversation. You know, you may not. And so learn, you know, when it's it's you know, learn when it's too much, I'm gonna say. Learn when perhaps that person, maybe they don't need to have access to you in that way. Now, as you're listening to this, if any part of this sounds familiar, if you're realizing, you know, that really did happen to me. Or, or that's what I grew up around. I want you to know you're not alone and you're not stuck. What was said to you mattered, how it affected you is real. But now, right now, you get to decide how it shows up in your life moving forward. You get to make that decision. So I want to thank you all for listening to She is Shantae, the Putting Your Best Foot Forward series, where we're going to keep doing the work and we're gonna do it until we're satisfied. Join us next time as we continue to dig deeper, grow intentionally, and move forward on purpose. Remember, put your best foot forward.