We Weren't Raised For This; The Generational Shift No One Prepared Us For

Getting her home felt like a turning point. After everything that had happened, we thought the hardest part might be behind us.

But it wasn't.

It was just different.

We talk about what it actually looked like bringing her home — how quickly things changed, how much we had to adjust, and how nothing really felt normal anymore.

This was the beginning of a new reality. She wasn't herself yet. And neither were we.

This is the part people don't always see.

Not the crisis — but the day-to-day.

And how you learn to live in it.

🎙 The Sh!t Sandwich Generation is hosted by sisters MaryBeth and Susan — raw, honest conversations about navigating life between aging parents, growing kids, and everything in between.

📱 Instagram: @marybethp6

 💻 pursuelifecoaching.com/podcast-1 

🥪 Have a sandwich story? DM us on Instagram.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:05

Welcome to the Shit Sandwich Generation, where we talk about navigating life between raising kids and caring for aging parents and everything that comes along with that. I'm Susan and I'm here with my sister Mary Beth, and this is the real unfiltered version of what that looks like. Mary?

SPEAKER_00 0:25

We got her home, right? We we made it through that hospital stay, thought she was gonna die, and got the commode down the street, got her home. And honestly, I didn't even know if if I remember the rest of it perfectly. It was summer, had vacations planned, was back to the to the kids, and I think we were just trying to adjust to it all, trying to figure out what this was going to look like. We knew radiation was coming up at some point in the next few months, and we were trying to prepare for that, trying to figure out what we would need to do, how we were going to support my dad, and she wasn't back to normal when she got home. Her mind wasn't the same right away, her strength wasn't the same. It it took time for her to adjust and for for all of us to adjust. But I don't know about you, but I looking back, it's just all one big blur to me.

SPEAKER_01 1:21

Yeah, it's it's definitely a blur. I mean, I I feel like it was, you know, almost like whiplash, right? We got we got her home. Okay, now she's home. And what about everything that got pushed to the wayside for, you know, I mean, she wasn't even in the hospital that long, but maybe a week, a week. But long enough that everything, you know, seemed to be like in chaos. And now what do I need to do for work and for the kids? And and for dad. And you know, again, we were so lucky that dad was able to do the things he did.

SPEAKER_00 1:59

But, you know, certainly, I mean, he's in his late 80s and you know, has this beautiful house, but you know, not meant for somebody that can't get up the stairs, can't shower themselves. And yeah, I I think there was a bit of whiplash here, right? We'd been concentrating for almost two, you know, a month and a half or two months on getting through appointments, getting her set up for treatment, then the hospital stay, and boom, back kids were a little neglected at this point. So here comes the sandwich, right? We're we're whipped back into uh what we thought was you know what was real life, but uh just completely changed, you know. We had to change the house around. That was the first, right? That was the first big step before she even stepped foot in the the the door, you know.

SPEAKER_01 2:48

Get a bed downstairs. You know, what bed are we gonna get downstairs? Dad didn't want a hospital bed. No, you know, he he didn't want a hospital bed, so which bed do we we use?

SPEAKER_00 2:59

So how do we get it down the stairs with who's gonna take it down the stairs? Uh that my dad can't carry it down. We gotta get, you know, your your Alexander, your son, and and and my brother. We gotta get somebody in the house to get it down the stairs and get it set up for her, right? We've got to make sure there's a handle in the bath, you know, all the the steps that you need to save. Logistical for instead of safeguarding for for a child, you know, a baby when you bring a baby home, you're safeguarding for your elderly parent. That's you know, funny but sad at the same time, right? Again, there's I don't think there's any books out there on, you know, how to what's the the the pregnant proof your home for for your adult parent? How what what was the baby book that everybody read? What to expect when you're expecting what to expect when you're expecting, what to expect when you're taking care of your elderly parent. I I sounds like a good book to write, maybe that's the one I'll write.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

Maybe that is the title.

SPEAKER_00 3:57

I'm looking for a more maybe that is the title, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:00

But really, right? And I think you know, the the nice thing about that, but obviously it's a different scenario, right? You're you know, you're you're looking forward to something like happy and good. I think that's part of you know what's not so fun about the sandwich generation. The other thing is nine months, right? You've got nine months of planning and when you're pregnant, when you're pregnant, 10 actually, I don't know, B, but maybe most people don't know by that time. But anyways, this is usually not you know 10 months of planning. This is nine months of planning.

SPEAKER_00 4:34

Sometimes days, sometimes weeks, but it it can be quick.

SPEAKER_01 4:37

And I think that's part of the challenge is one, it's emotional to begin with, right? Like watching your your parents suffer, somebody you love suffer, and you know, and nobody's nobody's. I mean, we're watching dad suffer, we're watching mom suffer, you she's out of it a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 4:57

You know, it's hard to see, right? You're not used to you're used to your image of your your parents being strong, being, you know, you you don't it's a it's a whole different emotional ballgame kind of seeing your parents at a different different level. It's it's there's a lot of emotion there. Sadness, uh, I don't know, there's a lot of emotion.

SPEAKER_01 5:16

You're just still trying to be respectful and and maintain their dignity, right? Like, you know, what do you want? Well, you know, maybe we should have said, no, a hospital bed is probably better, right? Um but trying to maintain that dignity, trying to maintain the ability to have some agency, you know, over everything that's going on, which seems so important. So a lot of emotional things going on, but then there's that practical aspect too that you really have to be thinking about. So yeah, it was a real blur. And then, you know, for you, your kids are still young, they're out of school at that point, summer vacation, had a summer vacation planned, yeah, which is you know always challenging, anyways. Where is everybody going? Exactly. How are they gonna get there?

SPEAKER_00 6:03

You know, yeah. I mean, we had just spent a week going back and forth, myself driving back and forth to the city. It was my birthday somewhere in there, so neglecting them and now kind of trying to wait, wait, wait, let's just say you weren't neglecting the city.

SPEAKER_01 6:17

Oh, no, kids. I mean, let's let's just be real here. It's that you know, her kids were taking care of guilt, they had everything they needed, but you know, that's mom guilt there. You know, I felt like I was neglecting my work, you know. But the reality was I I had created a great team and they were doing what they needed to be doing. Your kids were doing what they need, but there is that guilt around we feel like we're neglecting those other things in our life, right?

SPEAKER_00 6:43

Yeah, and and again, I you you know, you're thrown into where do we get the hospital bed? They didn't want one, okay. Where do we get what we need to to make the house safe? Where do we get are we gonna what support are we gonna have? P T O T when she comes home, physical therapy, occupational therapy, are we gonna have a healthcare nurse aid? So some of that is planned in the hospital, right, with the social worker, but some of it's not. And how do you know how much care you need and where to get where to find that care? And there's a lot of questions, and there's not a whole lot of resources, right? Yeah. Again, we're in the medical field, so uh understand some of it, and some of it is just reaching out to people that you know and you know, connections. But so we I think she got OTP PT maybe for a couple weeks that was planned from the hospital, and I think she had a hospital, a nurse come in for a couple weeks. But then it was it was on us to find somebody to to come into the the home, and she really needed it. She didn't want it at all, but she she needed it. My dad needed it, and it was something that we had to coordinate and and figure out. And, you know, there are agencies that can help, and you do want to reach out to some of those agencies, and again, some of these logistics we'll get into in later episodes, but you know, there are local agencies that can help you find, you know, help and a lot of you know, reaching out to friends that have gone through it and have can direct you to an aide or a nurse. So there are resources, so you know, kind of had to get the that support set up.

SPEAKER_01 8:22

Yeah. I feel like this is this is the you can't go it alone part of the story. This is where you really start to realize that it takes, you know, I I say it takes a whole town, not just a village, when you get to this point in the journey, but you know, uh emotionally feels like everything's in chaos, right? You've let things go, you gotta get back to work because you've got you've gotta make money, you know, but at the same time, get those resources into place. And again, we were we were fortunate because dad was home with her. Everything's not gonna be perfect. And you know, she was struggling, she had dementia. Yeah, when she came home, it was somewhat transitory, but she wasn't sleeping, and so she was doing a lot of wandering at night. Dad wasn't sleeping because he was worried about her her wandering. Um, you know, there were days that she, you know, said she was trying to go back home. Yeah. And he'd say, Well, where's home? And, you know, she would go back to, you know, when she was a child and say, Well, you know, this is where home is, and I want to see my mom. And, you know, so there was a lot of that. And so dad wasn't sleeping, but you know, again, didn't always want the help either. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:36

I mean, it's somebody coming into your house, right? You don't always want somebody coming into your house. And again, you know, look for that, you know, the help home support can be family rotating if you have the family and you're lucky. And there are, you know, you want to interview those aides or visiting nurses, whoever you're bringing into the house to make sure that, you know, they're compatible. You do want somebody that's going to be compatible and that you've checked out. So it can be tough. Getting someone in that that you know they're comfort you're you're comfortable with coming into the house and taking care of you. Didn't want anybody to show you.

SPEAKER_01 10:12

She didn't want anybody. She wasn't comfortable with anybody, which I I'm sure many of you can relate to. You know, I don't like this person. Well, why don't you like her mom? She's she's she's lovely. She talks too much, you know, like she talks too much. What does that mean? But there was a lot a lot of that. Yeah. But yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:32

So you, you know, again, it it's getting getting the right people in there. So uh summer was a blur. We again were starting to get the okay to for for radiation in September, I think. But summer was a completely, completely burr blur. I honestly, a lot of this I don't even remember now. I mean, once we got her set up, we had an aide coming in, we were kind of rotating and visiting and all of that. I would go with her to immunotherapy every three weeks, but other than that, it's one big old blur. And you know it's okay. It's okay. It really is okay. I was bouncing between, you know, emotions, trying to do things with my kids, be there for my dad when he needed to. I would probably talk to him every night, make sure everything was okay. And then the next big step was the radiation. They gave us the go-ahead that and she was doing well. She was dementia was improving and we were doing well. So we got the go-ahead to start radiation, and then that was the next big, you know, big hurdle, I think. It wasn't a local, because we had it wasn't going to be local. It was going to be down in Harrison. And that's an hour drive from my parents. So, you know, how do you logistically do radiation five days a week? She can't, she's not completely. Mom never drove. Exactly. So not that we would have, not that she wouldn't. That's a whole nother conversation. But you know, my dad would have to drive five days a week. So, you know, we had to start exploring options on how are we logistically going to do this? We talked about. And at this point, we had, you know, become familiar with okay, let's start talking, let's get some options going. So can he stay at an Airbnb for five days? A hotel. Can he stay with a family member that's close there? Can we get one of our our daughters to the children that the grandkids to drive? So my dad doesn't have to do it. It's a lot for again, he's in his uh later 80s. That's a lot. He's great, but it's a lot of driving to go back and forth and get a treatment. So there was a lot of discussion. Getting her in the car and get her out of the car. Yeah. Not easy. Having Medicare pay for a driver. He had to call and see what options and was available. And so there was a lot of discussion here. And ultimately, you know, the decision was made. He my dad is is stubborn. Stubborn. And now I didn't want to, I didn't want to say it. Susan said it. His dad's listening. You're a little stubborn. So he wanted to do it. He wanted to do it. And he he did he he did it. You know, we coordinated a a nurse and no, it's not a nurse, an aide to come in, and I think it was two days a week, so he could relax a little bit when he got home. And I think they were cooking dinner as well, so he could take some time for himself after after driving. Because he was driving, it was five days, five days a week for I think 12 weeks was was a time. I don't even remember how many weeks.

SPEAKER_01 13:29

It was yeah, it was uh I feel like it stopped right. It started in September and stopped right before the holidays. So Thanksgiving. Somewhere December or something. So fortunately, I mean, fortunately, it wasn't during the winter months. I think we were both, we were all very grateful of for that because I think that could have been really a different scenario, him driving in the in the snow or the ice. But yeah, it was a lot. And fortunately, you know, he he agreed. And I think this is one of those, you know, again, I would say, don't go it alone. We did have to have some conversations about, you know, are there people that can help with other things around the house? Yeah, right. You know, you know, again, some people can afford it, some people can't, but can you get somebody once a month to clean the house? I mean, listen, they weren't that, you know, they're not that dirty. So, you know, but you know, can you get somebody to do the yard work? Can you get somebody to clean the house? You know, can one of the kids come in and do that for a little bit of cash, you know?

SPEAKER_00 14:33

Pick up the groceries or have groceries that you know delivered, you know. So try and again have the conversations and and and a lot let people uh help, you know. You have to because it's it's it's taxing, um, both physically, emotionally, mentally. It's it's taxing. So you need you need all the help you you you can get, really. And you know, it also everything, it doesn't have to be perfect, right? It's not everything's not gonna be perfect, and that's okay. And I think that's also really important to realize the in, you know, throughout this whole time. It's not gonna be perfect. Things aren't gonna look, you know, drop that that story that you have of your parents aging gracefully and everything looking great, right? Right, you know, great if you have that, but a lot of us don't. And you have to kind of let that story go and take it for what it is and kind of enjoy even the moments that aren't so perfect. Enjoy the moments that you're with your parents in whatever form or shape they are and what their capacity is at that point in time. You know, the kids, we were still doing things as a family. Uh, we still had a, I think she still had the Halloween party that that year.

SPEAKER_01 15:53

Yeah, mom loved her holidays, so she was very committed to the holidays. So I think we tried to do, you know, the Halloween party that year just because that made her happy, right? But again, it wasn't all the things that we normally do. It wasn't perfect, but it's ordered pizza, you know, I ordered pizza and everybody came and it it was nice. Mary, what did you do to help yourself through all this? You know, I I I know I'm I'm a little off script here.

unknown 16:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:25

That was uh what did I do uh to help myself? Uh that's a great question, you know. In hindsight, probably not too much. Right. You know, probably didn't take uh enough time for for myself at that point in time between kids' work and my parents. I really it was just go, go, go. So hindsight probably should have taken a little time for myself to, I don't know, do what, but you know, I take pretty good care of myself health-wise and do exercise, but yeah, not so good sometimes in just taking the the time to go out or to take a walk or whatever. I don't know. How about you, Susan?

SPEAKER_01 17:10

What'd you do? I I mean, I think again, I would say probably not enough, but I I did see a therapist. Okay. And I think that helped. I think that's important. You know, it helped more with a lot of the guilt between I'm not at work or I'm not with my kids and or I'm not with my my parents enough. I think you know, leaning into talking to you, that was that was helpful.

SPEAKER_00 17:35

Yeah, that was huge.

SPEAKER_01 17:37

You know, I think I probably could have or should have, should have leaned into some friends a little bit more. We talked about that before, would have would have been helpful, but I I think in retrospect, there were probably we could have reminded each other a little bit more to take care of ourselves, right?

SPEAKER_00 17:56

I I think you just get in that, you know, you get so engrossed in that routine of, you know, just getting through day to day and appointment to appointment and treatment to treatment, making sure your parents are settled and your kids are settled, that you kind of, again, you forget about yourself and what you need to do for yourself. So I think it is important, whether that's therapy, whether that's, you know, having your own support structure. You know, we talked about getting the support for, you know, whoever's sick or ill. You need the support structure too, right? I think that's I mean your groceries deliver, maybe right? Exactly. I do, I do. It's really easy. But yeah, you have to also, I think it's important, and that's a good thing to remind yourself that you know, you do have to take some time for yourself and have whatever shape or form, and everyone's different. There's no right or wrong in any of that, of this, which I think is also important. You know, everyone's different. So if whatever works for you, use it.

SPEAKER_01 19:01

Yeah, right. I mean, I know we're gonna talk about guilt in some of the episodes coming up as we are. You know, since we were talking about, you know, not going in alone and taking care of everybody. I thought it was a good place to come in and say, huh, what did we do to you know to take care of ourselves? 100%. No. Yeah. And I you know, I think the other thing is, you know, we have fairly grown kids, they're not completely grown, they're fairly grown, but you know, they're not gonna be like, hey, mom, I think you should go get a massage. No.

SPEAKER_00 19:30

Not at all.

SPEAKER_01 19:33

Did they say that to you? Because I don't I don't remember that.

SPEAKER_00 19:36

I don't, I don't remember that. Again, if anyone out there has kids that have told them to go get a massage, would love to hear from you. Please reach out. Well done. Well done. So, Susan, again, what do you think was from so from this, you know, this phase, which is a completely different phase than earlier on, what do you think is your what'd you learn from this phase? What do you think is your key takeaway?

SPEAKER_01 20:04

Yeah, well, I think just talking about it between the two of us, one is that everybody needs a break, you know, and if there's more than one of you, you know, uh take the time and remind the other person to to take a break. It's okay, I think also to, you know, it's okay to to feel like things are a blur and that it's you know, it's disorganized. I mean, that's it's okay. I think accepting that it's a new normal. I know we talked about that a little bit before, but that this is a new normal is is part of it, right? I mean, yes, it's okay to be hopeful. I think hope is a great thing. I don't think anybody disagrees with that, but it's an a new version of life. It's a new version of life for us. It's a new version of life for for dad and you know, for mom. It doesn't mean that she's not gonna get better, but yeah, I I would say, you know, that's those are some of the things a lot of acceptance, I think, yeah is is what I would say is a a takeaway in giving yourself, you know, some self-love and self-compassion. I agree. It's important. Yeah. So what about you? What do you think?

SPEAKER_00 21:19

Yeah, I I think like we said, I think uh one is you know, get get support as much as you can for surround yourself with support, not only for the again, you're whoever's sick, but for yourself. If you have siblings, you know, sometimes you have to ask and not expect them to step up. So sometimes you really do have to ask. I think which is uh sometimes takes a little bit to to realize. But I again my my is surround yourself with with people that can support and and help. You know, the the physical, you know, changes for the house, you know. Do it sooner rather than later, you know. And uh other than that, I think it is what you just said, you know, it's not gonna be perfect. It's okay. It's okay to feel whatever emotions that you feel. It's a different, it's a different period of your life. And I think it takes a lot of us by surprise, and we have a different story in our head, and we need to let that go and just be grateful for whatever is in the present moment and whatever shape or form that looks like. And I think, you know, we had a period of time right now that life was different, but there was some calmness here that maybe things would be going in the direction that we wanted to. And I think we had a lot of hope at this point. And I think you do have to kind of hold on to that hope and take that moment and and run with it, whether that's gonna it's gonna turn out the way you want it to or not. I think we got to Christmas of that that year, and things were really, really looking good. She was doing really well. I think we all saw it. The trial was working. Yeah, the trial was working, radiation had working, worked, wound had completely everything had closed up. She looked great. She was I had had Christmas, she was over here. Uh a lot of the dementia had really she was with you, you know, really uh enjoyed the holiday. You know, I don't know what she was was thinking. I do remember that that holiday, her giving, and I don't know if you remember this. She gave each of us a present and I think they were white handkerchiefs. Yes. White handkerchiefs. White handkerchiefs for for our grandkids' weddings. Yes. And I'm like, mom, why why are you giving these to us now? Like you're gonna be here.

SPEAKER_01 23:53

She didn't have an she didn't have an answer for it though.

SPEAKER_00 23:55

No, she didn't really say, but she specifically had wrapped it, specifically had given it to us. And you know, at that moment, I'm like, you're gonna be here, mom. You're gonna be here. Why why are you doing this? Just hold on to them. But take the hope, even if it it's you know, use your hope. So it's good for you.

SPEAKER_01 24:13

It was good for dad. I think, you know, as the you know, primary caregiver, he he he needed that. And I I don't think there was anything wrong with it, honestly. I think we really had a very nice, we had nice holidays, you know, and I think I'm grateful. Yeah, I think back on the holidays, and you know, again, this is funny, and I'm sure many of you can relate, like it holidays are difficult, right? Like this was one holiday that it actually all those things kind of fell to the wayside, and it was like, phew, we made it to a to this holiday, and it wasn't like, oh my god, what's a holiday gonna be like? Who's gonna be there? It was more of it was really truly a celebration. So, you know, I'm kind of grateful for that when I think back that there wasn't the normal sort of holiday tension.

SPEAKER_00 25:00

It really was a grateful, blessed uh time and a lot of hope at that point.

SPEAKER_01 25:04

I think also, right? We were able to say, okay, the holidays don't have to be perfect this year. Right.

SPEAKER_00 25:10

And mom's not gonna remember that with a little dementia, she's not gonna remember everything. Exactly. But it was it was a happy time, and again, grateful, you know, things had changed, but we we managed to kind of adjust in all of it. And I think it was for that moment the new, the new happy norm. And we were we were we had hope at that point in time, and uh unfortunately, you know, things were to come, but it was a at that point in time. I think we had finally kind of settled a little bit, even though the beginning was a real big blur. I think we had finally adjusted as much as we were gonna adjust and kind of figured thing fing figured things out, things were looking up. We were she was in a good place, we had gotten her care under pretty smooth, my dad felt supported. I think we were all trying to hold things, everything together. Kids were, you know, they were doing their thing. I think most of them were were there for the Christmas holiday. But I I think the the part of that a lot of people don't see, they probably saw the pictures from that holiday, but there was a lot leading up to that, right? There was a lot of of a lot of it was a blur and it was a lot of changes, a lot of a lot of adjustments. But we got to that point and grateful for that moment and not looking, you know, didn't have any idea of what was to come. What was to come. Right.

SPEAKER_01 26:35

Which I, you know, that's normal. That is normal. Yeah, so thank you for listening to the sandwich generation. If today's episode made you laugh or cry or just feel more seen or emotional.

SPEAKER_00 26:53

You know what we're talking about, you know, want to hear from you.

SPEAKER_01 26:57

Yes, let us know. And until next time, remember you're not alone and you're doing better than you think, and you really don't have to eat delicious sandwich.