From Struggle to Story- Part 2

In this episode, Sierra shares her deeply personal journey through cancer—how it stretched her faith, tested her strength, and led her to a place she never expected. She reflects on how God met her in the fear, uncertainty, and difficult moments of her diagnosis and treatment, and how, in looking back, she can now see His hand in every moment—carrying her, sustaining her, and gently rewriting her story for good. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey guys, welcome back to the Living with Grace and Sass podcast.

SPEAKER_01 0:04

We are your co-hosts, Katie or Sierra. On our last episode from Struggle to Story, I shared my journey with infertility and all the ways that I've seen the Lord work in that. This week, Sierra is gonna share about her cancer diagnosis, the journey, walking through that, and finding rest in the Lord. So I am gonna turn it over to her.

SPEAKER_00 0:26

Thank you. So badly want to go. Pitcher Sicily. I forget what year she says. From the Golden Girls. Yeah, I don't know what year she says. That's interesting where my brain went. Um, no, okay, so as I was working on writing down all these dates, like I didn't realize just how much of, like I just said, like a whiplash of how kind of fast I went through all of this. Um, so it really started and on New Year's Day of 2021, um, I was with my boyfriend at the time, and we um were at his house. Um, and I just remember like th halfway through the day because um uh I was feeling really sick, like really low in my stomach. I had these weird abdominal cramps um to the point where I decided to go home. He lived about a little over an hour away, so I drove all the way home in like the worst pain. And I get home and I just stay in bed for like 24 hours. I just stayed in bed, and my mom um came in the next day and basically had to like drag me to the hospital. I growing up, I was always in the hospital as a kid, so I've just naturally just grown to just not really like going. I don't hate hospitals, but I just don't, I prefer not to go. Like I figured out at home I'm gonna do that first and foremost. Amen. Right. Um, but my fear was because and this is me being open and honest with y'all, my fear was that I was having a topic pregnancy because I was not living faithfully to the Lord, and so that's what my fear was because the pain was so low in my abdomen that I'd never felt it before, and so um, and I was kind of I guess I was more scared of my mom going with me and finding that out and like having to face my mom at that moment. Yeah, I don't know why, like I just I was terrified. And so, um, so on January 2nd, we go to the ER in a nearby town or city because I live in a town, and um they do all the testing, the typical X-ray, blood work, all that jazz. And I remember very vividly visibly that the it was a PA. Um, he came into the room and I had just gotten a CT done. He came into the room and with his clipboard in hand, he leans against the wall, crosses his legs, and he says, You either have sarcoidosis, and I hope I'm saying that word right. I've never checked myself, but you either have sarcoidosis or you have cancer, and I just remember feeling like my insides were just crumbling, like I felt that wall just finally come down, and I've shared this with people in the past that I have that was my one time in my life that I truly felt hopelessness. Um, and I just looked at my mom and we just cried. Um, it was it's still stuck in my head of just my knees are bent up to my chest and I'm hugging her and we're just letting this out. And the guy's just chilling there against the wall. Like he didn't even leave the room? No, he's still there, and he's like, I guess, just waiting for us to cry it out, I guess. I don't know. You get told you possibly have cancer at how old was I in 21? How old am I? I was 25. Yeah, yeah. So he I guess he was just chilling, waiting for me to finish. But the bottom just fell out and he's just staying there. Literally. Bottom fell out, I'm falling into the pit with alligators. Yeah. And so, um, I don't know how much time went by after that, but I remember being moved up to her room because it was Friday. We were going into the weekend, but my mom had to go back. No, it was Thursday. My mistake. It was Thursday. We're going into the weekend, but mom still had to go back to work. So she got me checked in and we got a room. Thankfully, it was like my own room. It was actually a little a nice little suite style for the type of hospital. It was very nice. Um, and I was there all weekend because we had to get a biopsy because there was a mass in my lungs, and they were waiting until Monday for a surgeon to come in. Well, then come Monday, they were like, Look, we don't have anybody that can come. We don't have anyone on staff and we can't get anybody here. And so a nurse actually kind of hush-hush told me that I could leave AMA because there's nothing else they could really do other than me just sit there and wait for something.

SPEAKER_02 5:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:55

And I don't like hospital, so I'm like, let me get out of here, right? So um I follow her suggestion of leaving AMA and going to the next hospital that was in town. It was a little higher of a le of trauma level, I guess you would say. Like just a bigger, it was a bigger hospital. Yeah. Needless to say. And she gives me some, I guess, keywords of what to say when I get into the ER. That way they can get the X-ray and they can see kind of what's going on in my chest. Yeah. And I get there and I do all the things. I'm driving myself. Um, actually, I don't remember if I had my car. I did drive myself. No, I went home. Oh. Sorry, I'm having like there's so many things that happen. Like, literally, y'all, when I say this is whiplash, it's whiplash. I go home that night. My mom picks me up, I go home, I sleep in my own bed, I shower, and then I go the next day and I'm driving myself. That's what happened. And so I get there, they do all the testing, and told me that I had pneumonia. So I'm like, all of this, and I have pneumonia. Granted, I haven't told y'all this part. I didn't have insurance at this time. So all of this, and I can tell it's pneumonia. I'm like, okay, okay, that's cool. Um, oh, and the the stomach pain that I had, it was called the Rona virus, not corona. The rona virus.

SPEAKER_01 7:34

The rona. I've never even heard of that.

SPEAKER_00 7:36

Me neither. Okay. I'm like, okay, that's one way to find out something new. But yeah, it's called the Rona virus. Um, and so I go home after getting um my medicine because I'm like, okay, it's just pneumonia, let me take some medicine, it's gonna be great, we're fine. Because there was stuff in my chest. They showed me the x-ray, and then they said to follow up with your PCP. So I go and I see my doctor a couple days later after taking the medicine and getting an appointment scheduled with him. Um, and he thank the Lord for him. He actually he pulled up my x-ray and he's like, Sierra, this is not pneumonia. This is not normal. We need to get you, like, you need to get go back and get tested. Yeah. So, of course, here comes Safir again because there's these other two options that it could be. Yeah, I like maybe stop worrying a minute because it was just pneumonia, right? Yeah, everything's chilled now. Nope, just kidding. So I still, mind you, I still don't have insurance at this time. So he gives us information to contact this clinic um that I guess helps with low-income um patients that need medical services. And so we call them, and of course, they closed down because of COVID. Right? So because we're in 2021. Yep. Yeah. Um, and so we actually talked with my boss at my office job about me getting on insurance with them. Um, beforehand, I did it because couldn't afford it, to be honest with y'all. But we needed it. So we learned that because I didn't have a full diagnosis that my insurance could be backdated to January 1st. So glory be to God, everything is basically covered except deductibles and all that jazz, but I have medical insurance. Yeah. And so because you got a pneumonia diagnosis, I'm not a cancer diagnosis. Yeah, they'll take you if you have pneumonia. Yeah. Yeah. Oh man. Um, and so we tell my doctor, and he gets us in to get a biopsy finally with this doctor, who apparently is a woman. Mom told me it was a woman. I'm like, I don't remember there ever being a girl doctor in this whole scheme of adventure. So, okay. And so um, this I got a biopsy on February 19th, and it came back um cancerous, but we didn't know what exactly. And so my doctor got that information and he got me in touch with the oncologist that was actually at the hospital that I went to, the set the second hospital I went to, because they have a whole separate oncology department. Excuse me. And um the more I like, and I'll talk about it, but I keep replaying these times where it doesn't make sense, but I'm just shown that the Lord had it this whole time because I go see this oncologist. His name was Dr. Ison, absolutely wonderful guy, very energetic, very personable, just wonderful. I loved him. I go see him for the first time, and he sits in his chair, looks me dead in my eyes, and says, I don't know how you got in to see me because I'm not taking new patients, but you're here now, so I'm gonna take care of you. And I'm just like, I don't know either, but thanks. Somehow I ended up here. Yes, please don't kick me out. Wow, and so that was crazy. Mom and I, like after we leave, we're just like, That's God. Like, it just it has to be because that we don't know what happened. I mean, I'm sure the doc the my PCP, because he is um a doctor through that same hospital, so I'm sure there may have been some, but you know what? Ultimately, it was the Lord's doing. Yeah, it was the Lord's doing it. He pulls strings, the Lord had it. Yeah, and so I go see him and he then gets me in touch with a specialist because by this point my biopsy went to for further testing and it came back Hodgkin's lymphoma. So he got me in touch with a Hodgkin's lymphoma specialist in Dallas, um, Dr. Bouchon, who I have a very personable doctor, and I have a very uh man of few words. Still kind, still stupidly smart. I mean, you have to be to be a cancer specialist, but just very man of very few words. And so I go see him and he looks at all of my stuff. We do a bunch of blood work, more testing, and he tells me April 2nd, the day after my 26th birthday, that it was confirmed stage four Hodgkin's symphoma. And I remember I was at a hotel because my boyfriend at the time was taking me to go have dinner with my best friend and her boyfriend or fiance. I think he was her boyfriend still at the time. We were gonna have dinner for my birthday, and I'm sitting in the hotel and I have my he's video called me and I have it propped on the window, and I'm just staring at him. I'm like, what? Did you get my file mixed up with somebody else's? And he's just like, no. That's how I process. I'm not the joke. I know you're really smart, but I'm sure you're reading the right part. I mean sure, yes. And so um, that was it was very hard to celebrate my birthday that year just because you just get dumped with all this information, and now it's like it's almost I don't want to say I have that, oh my life is over moment, but my life had definitely shifted in a way I've never experienced, I've never experienced what somebody else because my mom had cancer, um, but we were really young, and so I don't I don't have a lot of memories of that. Yeah. So this was all very new. And so we get a game plan going. I have to go get a port in. So for my chemo that I'm getting, I get the port on so that was February 2nd, February, April 2nd. I get my port on your birthday. 20th. And then literally that next week we start chemo. So I had 12 rounds of A B V D chemo regimen. Don't ask me what any of those mean. I will never remember the names. It's A B V D. Um, I do remember. So my first one is the A. It's in this giant tube that they have to slowly administer into my port. Um, like very slowly. My oncologist nurse, oh my gosh, a godson. Wholeheartedly, she was a godson. Um, it was they had to go very slow because it can it could give you ulcers, it could cause hair loss, it could do all these things. And while it's also being administered to help with mouth ulcers, I had to chew ice. I had to keep ice in my mouth and keep it cold. And so the first one we did wasn't so bad, but each one just got gradually worse because I the even to this day still, the thought of having ice in my mouth makes me queasy. Yeah. And so they called that the red devil. I didn't like to call it that name because I'm not gonna say, oh, they administered the red devil in me. Nope. Holy Spirit activate no man. There you go. I like um, I don't even know what I called it, but it was not that, and then um the B and V were really quick, but the D took um about an hour, and so I would do that for 12 rounds. I would go every two weeks, and at first it wasn't bad. Like if I had my first A B V D and I was like, okay, I'm going to work. I'm working my three jobs, I'm still doing my contract athletic training. Um, I'm working out, riding my bike, I'm living life. Like nothing's really stopped. But as I got, I would say about session five to twelve, I just gradually got more and more tired, more fatigued really quickly. Um, and so my boss, who was incredible, she anytime I would get really tired at work during the day, she would let me go take a 30-minute nap at in her office. And so that helped me a lot to be able to still do what I need to do because money still needs to come in because we're having all these doctor bills. Yeah. Um and so that was very, very encouraging. Um, I had a lot of people surrounding me, praying for me, helping me, and just being just being encouragement, um because there were times I definitely would feel discouraged just because all these doctors' appointments were messing up like plans that I had with friends or family. Um I would have these plans, but then I would feel really nauseous or just really tired, so I couldn't follow through with them. And it was just as someone who's a constant mover, it was very hard to sit still. Yeah, of course. And so um halfway through I got a PET scan and it showed that the chemo was working, so that was incredible. Um, and then we finished the the next five to six rounds, and then I had to have another PET scanned. Mind you, still working three jobs, still trying to work out when I could, when I had the energy. It was a lot of cycling, doing spin class, and I got a Peloton at that time too. So it was a lot of sit-down exercising, but we're still moving. Yeah. Um, and so in October, I got my PET scan, and then in November, Dr. Bouchon, the specialist, told me that the act the cancer ended up coming back, but they didn't know why it came back so fast, and so um that was another shift because I was feeling like I was doing better, the blood work looked good, and then all of a sudden it's not. Yeah. And so the next step um after talking with him was he wanted to do another biopsy, and he wanted to do a full lymph node biopsy, whereas the first one they did a partial. So they did another full one, they got it in my groin. The first one was in my neck. Um, I wish I had pictures of like what it looked like before even getting tested. I had though you could see like a little lump, but when I see other people's pictures in these Facebook groups I'm in, they have like massive, obviously lumps. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:35

Um I never remember you having like something that was so obvious. Yes. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00 19:41

Yes. Um, and so um they do the next biopsy, and um he did that more so not for a diagnosis, but just to get an idea of what it what the lymph nodes are looking like because Hodgkin's lymphoma is in your lymph nodes. Um where I guess I didn't mention this, the there was can't it was um in my neck, the the lymph nodes were in my neck. I had a mass in my right lung, there was a mass in my spleen, and then I had some in my groin area, so that's what caused it to be stage four because I learned through all this that if it passes your diaphragm, it goes from stage one or two to stage three or four, and I don't know how they really calculate three or four, but yeah, learn something new through that process. Um, so they did the second biopsy in December, and we go back and meet with him and get an idea of what's the game plan. So the new game plan is I'm on a different, more aggressive chemo regimen called ICE. Again, don't know the medical terminology, so we're just sticking with ice, and that one I would get three days straight. There was three different types, so I get it three days straight, and then I would get it every three weeks, three times, so three rounds once every three weeks. Okay, yeah, and they weren't kidding when they said it's more aggressive because that one really got me um with a fatigue. Um I actually ended up losing my hair through that one, and um, and I I guess you could say I started to look sick, like the sunken eyes, the dark rings, or maybe that was just the extreme tiredness. I don't know. It was evident something was not right, yeah. And I didn't just have a 2007 Brittany. Spirit's moment with my hair. Um, I would say that was hard too because I was house sitting for a lady, and I remember waking up and looking down at the pillow, and I'm like, oh my gosh, this white pillow is just dirty. And then it's like, oh, that's my hair. Um, and just being able to, I call it my magic trick, how I could literally just grab a chunk and just pull it out. Yeah, I remember you doing it. I thrive on dark humor and dramatic for everyone else. Oh man. That was oh gosh, that was so rough. But I also lost hair on my leg. So I did enjoy not having to shave. There you go. Silver lining. Yeah. Gotta find it somewhere. And so um I had to do that for three weeks, and then um after that, I actually had to he, I think I want to say he did this more so because it came back so fast at my age that um he wanted to do a stem cell transplant, and there's two types of stem cell transplants. You can do it with your own stem cells or you have a donor. Um, but he said that we're doing we're using my own because if that doesn't work, then the donor would be next. So I did the three rounds, and then I had to go in to get a new port put in because the port I had, um when they go to retrieve the stem cells, it takes a lot of pressure and it could actually break my port. And my port we never had any issues with, so we're not trying to break that thing. So I had to get a pick line, and I hated that thing. For one, the thought of having something that's dangling out of me that's also connected inside oh freaked me out. I was terrified my dog was gonna jump up and knock it out. The littles that I was around were gonna pull on it. Oh still, I hate that thing. And um then I had to go for a week straight, actually ended up being six days. I had to go get for four days, I had to get um four rounds of shots in my abdomen because I had to mass produce basically baby stem cells. Um, because what they were gonna do is they were going to retrieve those stem cells on day five and six, and they'll put it through a chemo wash to basically just like rid it of all chemo and just make them brand new, wash white as snow. Right. Um, and so then they that's when they would administer it. So for the stencil transplant, I had to go into the hospital for this. So it was gonna be 19 to 25 days, and um I got my PIC line on March 23rd, and then on March 30th was when I was administered into the hospital. So while I was in the hospital, um, I couldn't be around anybody, no one could come see me, but I could have someone stay with me. But if that person who stayed had to stay in the room, so I was on a specific floor just for um transplants because we couldn't be around anybody because our immune system's gonna be um brought down to basically non-existent. Um, so my brother so kindly stayed with me for I want to say about a week. Excuse me. Um, so he stayed with me for about a week. While I was in there, I had to get some more chemo beforehand. So they basically the chemo goal is to kill my immune system. Yeah. Um oh, I still remember, I don't remember the name of the regimen, but I remember the first one they gave me on day one, it literally made me feel like I had a hangover for like three hours. That's it. You feel like you're having a hangover. I couldn't move, get out of bed because if I did, I almost felt like I had vertigo too. Like it was just someone get me off the boat. Yeah. Because it was everything was rocking. Yeah. Oh, it was terrible. But then after that, it went away. It was weird. The weirdest side effect ever for any kind of medication. And then um, the next two days, I got a different form of chemo that I didn't have any side effects at the moment, but um, I'm being honest with y'all. The the aggressive bowel movements for about four days. That's miserable. Top tier. Yeah. I saw that bathroom way more than I saw the bed. It was awful. And they would give me medicine to try to help and didn't touch it. Yeah. Mm-mm. So that was terrible. I think I would take another day of hangover then. Yeah, for sure. That. For sure. Um, so and as I'm in the hospital, they have this giant board where they have each day what my blood count, playlist counts, all these numbers were written on, and I just will just slowly see them decreasing, decreasing until finally we hit um zero. And so on that day, which is actually my birthday, or my rebirthday, yeah. Um, because I celebrate my birthday in the hospital. Um 27. 27. Yeah. And on my re-birthday, April 7th, they give me my stem cells. My anniversary. Oh, yeah. It's a great day. It's a great day. Oh man, that is so true. Today wouldn't the Lord just answered different prayers.

SPEAKER_02 28:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:33

Um, and that was actually really cool. The guy, so I had a the nurse that was there to administer it. He's like, I have to stay here and keep an eye on you, make sure you don't have any issues. I didn't have any issues. We're just talking with him, and he's like, I'm sorry, this isn't as climate climatic as you thought. Yeah. Like, I'm just hooking you up and just it just it's going. Yeah. Um, but he said, You might have a weird taste for cream cheese. Like, or no, cream corn, cream corn. Okay, but still, that's just as weird. Oh, absolutely. I'm like, okay. Not even five minutes later, I'm like, ew, I could taste cream corn. It was strange I've ever heard.

SPEAKER_01 29:16

It was like as if I ate a bowl of cream corn. Because in my head, I would have guessed like coppery, like blood, you know, like coppery tingy. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 29:25

Never would I have guessed cream corn.

SPEAKER_01 29:27

Cream corn.

SPEAKER_00 29:28

So I go from having a hangover and one thing to now cream corn. It was so weird. And I'm just like, it almost made me nauseous because I'm tasting something one. I I like cream corn, but I don't crave it. Yeah. And so now that I'm tasting it, oh, it threw me off. It was ugh, it was so gross. I drank so much grape juice that day trying to like wash the taste out. It was terrible. Um, so that was the first eight days of being there, and so after that, my um, there were other levels that were still going down, and so the goal was we need to see those start going up. Yeah, so I had to keep moving every day. And um, and eating, eating wasn't too difficult. I didn't lose any like appetites. Yeah, um, thankfully the food was good. It wasn't like your typical bland hospital food. Yeah, and I didn't have any restrictions. So I would just try to order different things and just kind of keep it entertaining. I could have food delivered to me. Oh, that's nice. Um, so we would every once in a while. We did Texas Roadhouse one time. We did it on my birthday. Yeah. My mom and my aunt actually brought that for us. And they could at the there was like two double doors. My room was lined up with the double doors, so the nurses opened the doors and we like could wait. It was it was it was so weird. It was so emotional because you know, there's my mom. I want to hug her. Yeah, exactly. And it was it was weird, but um being there was hard. I mean, you were one of those people that I would call just crying because I just hated feeling like I was trapped, yeah. I couldn't go anywhere. Um, I'm thankful that we had technology the way we do. Um, because if I had to write mail, like snail mail or emails, um, I want to see faces. Yeah. So um I'm thankful for my aunt for encouraging me to not read self-help books because she's like, you're at a vulnerable moment right now, and you don't need that self-help encouragement. You need an escape. Yeah, exactly. And so that encouraged me to read more fiction books, and I'm thankful because TV got boring quickly. Really fast. Because I'm a I'm a I'm a re-watcher. I don't like really watching new shows. You have to really convince me. So it got boring real quick. Yeah, I can see that. And my brother and I'm gonna be option. Yes, yeah. My brother and I would like fight over what we're watching because I was like more into the criminal shows and he was more into big thing theory at the time. You're like, I have cancer, I can control the remote. Oh, the amount of times I'm pulling that cancer card. Heck, I still try it sometimes. It's fine. No shade. I think you're allowed. No shame, yes. And so, um, and it also helped that my room I had this giant window, and my room would face the west. So as the sun is setting, I can kind of I can get that sunshine. Yeah, I wasn't truly enclosed in a box. Yeah. Um, and so that helped. And um I would do I had the energy to do two to three laps around the building. I can't tell you how much that would be. Probably not even the full um lap around a track. Like it was not that big. And so there were a couple of days, there were two days that I just didn't get out of bed. I had no energy. And this just proves that movement is medicine because those two days I didn't move, my numbers didn't move. They didn't go down, yeah, but they didn't go up. Yeah, we just plateaued. So then when I finally got back up to start moving, they started to go back up. Yeah. And so movement is medicine. Yes. And um my numbers started to go back up. I started to feel better, and on April 17th, which actually was Easter, I finally got to be released. Oh my gosh. Celebrate. Full celebration. The Lord has risen and I am out of this hospital. Of course. Of course. And so, um, um, that was man, that was wonderful. And the funny thing is, is they like as they were given the discharge, they're like, she's gonna, she can't be around people for at least a week, and she's gonna be really sick, so she needs to have 24-hour monitoring. My brother bought um cameras for the house because I was sleeping the living room, so we had cameras in the living room to for me to be watched and all these things. We had a friend come stay with me. Yeah, literally the next day, I'm at the house and I'm on my pellet on. I felt great. No, no um side effects, no nausea. Now was I winded and still tired? Yes, but all those things to look out for I never had. That's great. Thank you, Lord. Yeah, um, even throughout the whole journey, I never got sick, like having vomiting from the chemo. Um, I never got the mouth sores. Um I mean, I did lose my hair, but there's a lot of things that I've heard through other people and their experiences that I have did not experience, and I'm so grateful for that. And so um after that I had a PET scan um in June, so that's where now 2022. I had a PET scan in June, and on July 12th, I was told I was in remission. Like completely I was in remission. Oh my gosh, what a whirlwind. But then I had to do a year of immunotherapy um where I would have to drive every two weeks to medical city because the stupid orders were sent to Dallas and not Sherman, and they couldn't get them switched. That was my complaint. So I had to drive there every two weeks to get immunotherapy, and that actually was a little bit harder, I would say, than going through the um stem cell transplant because the neuropathy, yeah, like how it started, they warned me about it. I'm like, okay, whatever. Like all these other things they worry about didn't happen. This ain't gonna happen. Uh it happened. Like you had more side effects from that than you did anything else. Yeah. Um, it like started in my toes, and like it got all the way up to my upper thigh. Like when I would shave, I can tell where it was at versus where it wasn't. Yeah. Um walking felt off. Trying to run, I felt like I had bricks on my feet. Yeah. Like literally had more side effects from that than the actual transplant. Yeah, and the transplant. Yeah. Yeah. So all of that to say that um the Lord really carried me through that. Yeah. Because I've had people as I was going through that say, I don't know how you're doing this. And I'm like, I'm not doing this. Yeah. Because there were times, there were times I was like, just take me. Yeah. I I don't I don't want to do this. I this is hard. I don't want, I didn't ask to be given this. I didn't um I didn't want this type of experience in my life. Um, and so there were times where my ment my um mental state was challenged. Yeah. But those were also the times I found myself truly wholeheartedly leaning into the Lord. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I had to lean into him. Yeah. Because there was no other way out to getting through this. Yeah. And I'm so grateful for the community that surrounded me. Um once when I got that information of having to do more chemo when doing the transplant, um the town that I I've worked in for years um actually rallied against me and um sorry, I'm trying not to cry. Y'all can't see me, but I'm trying not to cry. Um they rallied against me and held a benefit um to help support me financially. And I've heard of those stories of towns supporting someone, someone that they maybe barely knew or have seen at the store. Um but to actually have been that person on the receiving end is something I'll never forget. And the Lord just really showed me through all of that, just how important those um how important those are around you and the community, and just how much support through prayers, through monetary, through um encouragement, just all types of ways, how they can just really just be an additional um inspiration in fighting what I was fighting. Yeah, yeah, definitely. And so that is that's my cancer story.

SPEAKER_01 39:13

I don't think I've ever like fully told it from beginning to end. It's been such a journey, and even just listening to you tell it, you know, there's so many things that I just even forgot about, or um, you know, it's just different walking through that with you and kind of seeing you go through that and remembering some of those things. Um, and then this on this end of it, how different life looks now. And so on all of that, um, kind of tell me how did this experience, how did walking through this cancer journey shape the way that you view God's character?

SPEAKER_00 39:47

Um, it shows me how much I need him and how much I don't have things. Like that self-control we think we have. Yeah, how much I truly was shown I don't have it. Yeah. Um, and it just showed just his his faithfulness of walking with me when he says I'm with you, yeah. He was with me. Like I've talked about the just the moments of where things just didn't make sense of how I um gotten with that doctor, or um someone had left a card, an anonymous card that helped me pay for my uh monthly premium for insurance, and it was due that day, and I found that card, no name. Yeah, and I'm like, how? Yeah like just just little things like that. He just showed his character of I'm here with you. Yeah, he was always working, always even when you couldn't see it. Yeah, and it even reminds me, um, like even in times where a couple months ago where I just I was struggling just internally, and for a split second I felt alone. But I was like, No, I'm not alone. Yeah, he's right here with me. I need to lean into him, yeah, I need to trust him and read his word. And so it's just a constant reminder that I'm never alone, he's always right by my side.

SPEAKER_01 41:16

Yeah, and I think I mean, I think you've kind of answered this next question I was gonna ask you too. On that, it goes off of what you just said, but like it has it changed how you pray and seek him now.

SPEAKER_00 41:30

Has it or how has it? Yeah, both. Sorry. No, you're gonna um it definitely has changed it because um, like I said in the beginning, I wasn't living a um godly life before all of this started. And this isn't me saying that God put this in my life to bring me back to him. Um I don't believe that, but he I do believe that he allows us to go through trials um to to be redirected to him and to learn to trust him again. So this definitely was just, I guess you say, my wake-up call of this life is not my own, and if I keep going down this path, I'm going to lead into destruction. I'm going to um not have that eternal life with him because I was not choosing him, I wasn't putting him first to now he is first and foremost, and I want to do nothing but glorify him. Um, so yeah, it has definitely changed, and how it's changed is I feel my personal prayers are more meaningful. I feel when when struggles do come up, because they still do, um I don't feel so shaken.

SPEAKER_01 42:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:55

Um they're still hard, but I'm on solid rock versus the sinking sand. Yeah. Because that's what I felt like I was in. I was in sinking sand. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:08

Yeah, because you described that moment of that doctor, that PA saying, You either have this or you have cancer, and like the bottom falling out. I can't think of more shifting sand than than that moment. Um, and then to be able to look back in hindsight and say, you know, actually, it doesn't matter what comes because my foundation is actually in the Lord. My foundation isn't in a diagnosis or the money in my bank account or my social status or my job. You know, name anything that we build our foundations on, but instead my foundation is on Christ and Christ alone. Yes. Yeah, that's great. I think that's a great um reminder that you've given all of us for that.

SPEAKER_00 43:56

I never want to feel that again. Yeah that moment of hopelessness. Yeah. I never want to feel that again. Yeah. And so that just continues to encourage me to follow after him.

SPEAKER_01 44:12

Yeah. So to wrap up here, one more question for you. What would you say to someone currently walking through a similar season or a similar diagnosis?

SPEAKER_00 44:23

Um, I would say first and foremost to not give up. No matter how hard it gets, no matter how dark the tunnel feels, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that light is the Lord. Um I would encourage either to if you have a Bible to open it up and read it. If you don't have one and you're not sure where to start, um, I would encourage finding a Bible. Find a local church, they would happily give you one. Email me, I will happily send you one. Um, but I would encourage opening up and reading the gospels. Yeah. Um and just learning what the Lord's love looks like. Because knowing that and knowing that he was true then and he's true now, yeah, um it is a constant encourager to keep fighting. Yeah. Um and to find that community. Um it was also a lot of people praying for me, people I didn't know were praying that were praying for me, that are now I call family. Yeah. Um that community leading into that community was so big too. And so just finding that community of people that um would tell you, like my best friend Katie has told me that it's okay to cry, but it's not okay to give up. Yeah. You're allowed to cry, but you're not allowed to stop. Yeah, we keep going. Mm-hmm. And so, um and so I hope that um this has I mean just in any type of trial that this is just an encouragement that even when it seems hard, that you will get through this. And this isn't me saying that you're gonna come through you may not get through it on this side of earth. Yeah. But ultimately, me and the kingdom is our goal anyway. So even if I hadn't gone through it on this side, I'm I would still celebrate on the other side. Yeah. I mean, I'm grateful that I still have time. Yes, right? Um, I mean, the Lord's still not done with me, He has plans for me, right? And so just know that the Lord's not done, He has plans, right? Not for you. Yeah. Um, and so uh I would like to share a Bible verse that really um was just on my heart a lot throughout this whole journey, and I just want to share it with y'all. Um, it was Isaiah 41.10. Fear not, for I am with you. Oof. A little emotional. Wow. Okay, let me try again. Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. And just that first line of fear not, for I am with you. That really was the the epitome of knowing that I wasn't alone. Yeah. Fear not, don't be afraid. Fear not for I'm with you. Even yeah, even when the times were were hard, where they were hard, yeah. He was with me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 48:07

And so well, I just want to say thank you for sharing your story because I know um, like you said, you haven't um shared me the whole thing start to finish. But what a gift and what a reminder. And I think that was you can tell me if you disagree, but I think that was our hope in sharing both of these things. Like talking about my own struggles with infertility and walking that, and then kind of hashing out and talking through this cancer journey of exactly what you said. Like, fear not, for I am with you. That ultimately at the end of the day, all these years down the road, we can stand here and say, Look what the Lord has done. Like, look at this terrible thing I walked through, look at this really hard, scary, fearful, like breaking down my body thing that you went through. Um, but look what the Lord has done. And even if he didn't, like he is still good. Um, and I hope that that has been an encouragement to everybody. Um, I hope it continues to be an encouragement. I hope it kind of breaks down the stigma of talking about these things. Because we all are gonna walk through hard seasons, we're all gonna walk through suffering. Um, and I think our prayer together is that ultimately our own suffering would point others to Christ um and that they would be able to cling tightly to that what you just said, if you're not for I'm with you. Yes. I'm your God and I will uphold you, right?

SPEAKER_02 49:37

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 49:38

That's ultimately the reason we do everything, and that ultimately is the reason we can keep doing anything, that we keep putting one foot right in front of the other because we know that he is with us.

SPEAKER_00 49:50

And it's good to look back and just remind ourselves. Yeah. He brought me through this. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 49:56

So he's done it once, he'll do it again. And he's gonna keep doing it. Yeah, he never changes. Yeah, exactly. Whatever the road ahead looks like, we hope and we cling tightly to him and we keep going. Amen. Well, thank you again for sharing that. So, this has been another episode of the Living with Grace and Sass podcast where real life meets meets best friend banter. New episodes drop every other Wednesday, so be sure to like, follow, subscribe, and share on your favorite platform. Come join our next conversation, Bestie. Bye.