If They Wanted To... Let's Be Honest!

This week in The Chaos Corner, we’re talking about the dating confusion that keeps people stuck: mixed signals, inconsistent effort, and trying to decode behavior that already gave you the answer.

Because if someone likes you, you shouldn’t have to beg for clarity, attention, or basic effort. Period.

We’re getting into:

•  why the “bare minimum” keeps getting romanticized 
•  the difference between attachment and a real connection 
•  how to detach without becoming cold or losing yourself in the process 
•  and why protecting your energy matters more than forcing potential 

Plus today’s Big Sister Rule #3:
“Protect your energy sis! If they wouldn’t do it for you, don’t do it for them.”

Grab your favorite drink, stop rereading those mixed signals, and come sit in The Chaos Corner.

Transcript

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Welcome to the Chaos Corner, where we laugh, spiral, and figure out anyways. I'm your host, Chiara Gray, and welcome back for another episode. Situationships will ruin your peace. Now, today we're going to talk about the one topic we all have a hard time with. Knowing the difference between a situationship and a relationship. So today we're going to focus on dating, mixed signals, emotional confusion. We're going to go through it. So sit down and get ready. Now, some of you may be asking, what is a situationship? A situationship is a romantic or sexual relationship that lacks a formal label, commitment, or clearly defined future. Now, this is where you're in the gray area. Where, oh, are we dating? Are we not? I'm kind of confused. We do romantic things, but he seems like he doesn't want to put titles on it. Or maybe he's inviting me over at certain times of the day. Well, I'm gonna let you know, babe. If he's inviting you anywhere after nine o'clock, that is a situation chip. Or another term, that isn't the ladies listening to this call, but a booty call. All right. We don't want to talk about it. You don't want to be labeled as one unless that's the path you want to be on. Hey, live your best life. If you know you're at a point in life where you're just wanting to have fun and you don't really care to label anything or, you know, have a commitment because being in a relationship is not easy, but it's a decision that two people make, not just one. So, how do we decipher if you're in a situationship or dating to a relationship? Well, a situationship could be going from good friends that turned intimate, but can lean to a dating long-term relationship, or it's a guy you met at a bar that you guys liked each other, had a couple of drinks, had a fun night, and kind of have this recurring environment where it's, oh, I only see you when I go out and drink, or you only invite me out at a certain time, or it's very low-key vibes. You never met his friends, you never met his family, or you might be in a situation where you've met everyone, and he's just like, oh, this is my best friend, this is my homegirl. That is a situation ship, people. Now, a big topic I really want to get into is bare minimum behavior. Now, I'm not saying that men need to abide all by all these rules, but there are some things that individuals might see as bare minimum. For me personally, I think manners is bare minimum. I think a man that can be in a masculine role is a bare minimum. Now, someone else might think a bare minimum is getting me flowers, a bare minimum is opening my car door, a bare minimum is just knowing when I'm upset. There's so it it's it it's so hard to determine what a bare minimum is, but how do you how does your partner know if you don't tell them or you don't set standards? So, if your bare minimum is I like to receive flowers and I want him to know that he should know that. Have you ever had discussions or kind of gave hints like I like to receive flowers? I feel like they shouldn't always be on a birthday or special occasion. I feel like I want to have those on a random Tuesday where you were just like, oh, this girl reminds me of these flowers. I'm gonna get them for her. Where situationships happen is lack of communication. Now, no one masters communication. We're all figuring it out. People in relationships, people not. It's so hard to know how to communicate things properly because we weren't taught it. We were taught to communicate when something bad happens, or communicate when you're mad, or communicate if you saw something, but no one ever talks about how to communicate with someone you are potentially dating or hoping to lead to a serious relationship where you could put a label on it. No one knows the right way to do it, but what I can say is setting boundaries. You have to let that person know, like, hey, this is bare minimum to me, and this is what I'm looking for in a person. Now you might be at a phrase like, oh, I'm just looking at the date right now, I would like to talk to a couple people, or you might be like, I'm dating to marriage. I will say dating to marriage is something I always wanted and currently am dating to a relationship. Luckily, I'm in a serious, committed relationship, which I am very happy in. But when I was in my early 20s, I thought dating was the only option. I thought having flings, situationships was the only thing I deserved at that time. Now, once you reach 25, your frontal lobe is developing. You're starting to realize the things that you want. You're starting to see like, I don't just want that guy at the bar all the time. Because, babe, everyone hates when I say this. You're not gonna find your husband in the club. You're not. It is really hard. And if you're one of those cases, I'm so happy for you. But you also have to realize the standards and the bare minimums that you are imagining might not be that guy that's in the bar ordering bottle service with a bunch of women behind in front of him, behind whatever. He's gonna be that friend that is holding his drunk friend up. That's the guy at the bar, at the club that you want to go for. You want to go for the chill one, the one sitting back, seeing how things are going, not really entertaining his environment. I tell my friends this all the time. Go for the guy, or in the case, girl, that is watching out for his friends. Because at the end of the day, that's the type of person that you want. You want someone that you can have fun with, that can experience the things that you like to do and what they like to do, but also know the boundary. Know that I don't want someone that gets fully intoxicated every weekend. Maybe that's your cup of team. Maybe you want a guy that will go out to the clubs with you all the time. Great. But you also want a guy that's gonna carry you home when you're absolutely plastered, put you in bed, take your makeup off, and go home. You don't want the guy that's like, I'm having fun, or not answering your text when he's at the club and you're not. You don't want that, oh, he can do it, but I can't. So, how do we manage that? How do we decide where we're at? It really comes down to sitting down with yourself and talking. Like, what do I really want? What are my pros and cons of yourself? You have to look and reflect on yourself before you can pick someone else. Can you say, I want them six feet tall, tatted, this and that, has to have a credit score. This well, are you the same? You have to find someone that reflects you. If you want someone that's gonna be a provider, you also have to know that you're a provider too. Set yourself at a higher standard than most women. Now, this is by no means a competition, but don't expect things from someone that you can't do for yourself. Don't expect a man to buy you that Louis Vuitton bag. You buy that Louis Vuitton bag, you work for that bag, you work for that car because there's nothing more badass than a woman that could do it herself. Now, on that doesn't mean you boost your ego. Do not tear down a man. Well, I can do more, I could just do it myself. What do I need you for? You don't need a man, you want one. So who do you want in your corner? Who do you want to confide in? Who is that person to you? Is it your mom? Is it your future relationship? This is someone that you can tell private and personal information to. Is that situationship comfortable enough to have those conversations? Or are we just at the level of really just going out and fucking? If I'm gonna be blunt and honest with you, you can find both in someone, you can find that someone you can hang out with, go out and do fun stuff with, feel open to let your walls down, and fuck. Um, but to have those tough conversations with. Or am I just putting more energy into this person than they are putting into me? Girl, that ain't it. It ain't it. We can't keep pouring our full energy into someone that doesn't deserve it. We're giving wife energy to men that won't even give you a girlfriend title. And I know that's harsh. And trust me, I've been through it where I just have to give, give, give, and they're gonna give to me, they're gonna make me the girlfriend, they're gonna do everything that I have planned. It is not always the case, unfortunately. There's gonna be times where you're going to have those conversations with that person and you are not on the same level. But it's really hard to get out of. But if you have a sneaky wing, do what you want, girl. If you're having a good time and you really don't want to tie down, but don't catch feelings. Don't set boundaries with a situationship and then be sad about it. Because guess what, girl? That's what you decided. That's what y'all agreed to. You're gonna have fun, you're gonna live your best life. Don't get mad when he posts another girl in a Snapchat at a club. It's honesty. Now, that doesn't make you ho. Live your best life, girl. You have to enjoy the single life because the more you experience, the better you'll be ready for that forever person. You're not gonna go through the I should have done this, I should have done that, no girl, you did it, you had your fun, and now you found your person. So, with that, what is attachment versus actual connection? Now, this one is going to be a hard truth to grasp. Be let me just at least tell you the definition. Attachment refers to a strong emotional bond, a physical connection, or an added item, such as file sent by email. But we ain't talking about that right now. But a strong emotional bond, a physical connection. But what is an actual connection? That's when a deep, authentic bond between people based on mutual vulnerability, trust, and understanding, where both individuals feel seen, safe, and valued. I did slam my phone down because I wish I heard that earlier, earlier in my life, because it's easier to get attached to someone that you're just I'm feeling all these feelings. I hope they feel the same way, and then they don't care. But you're over here having sleepless nights, feeling types of ways, going through it, being like, dang, why don't you just see the value in me? Why are you keep pushing me away? Now, if you're a bit a baby that knows the difference between attachment and actual connection, then pat yourself on the back, girl. Because I don't know what that's like. I don't. I wish I did. Until now, until recently. Being able to not fully grasp the attachment versus actual connection was hard for me in my early 20s. Because I'm gonna be honest, a lot of these guys just want to have sex. That's all they want. They just want to get down, dirty, and leave. And I was not that chick. No, I'm not saying I didn't have fun when I was in my early 20s, but what I'm saying is I wanted that deep connection, and I wasn't getting it, and that's hard. Where it's like, okay, I just have to give myself to let them give me more. No, they got what they want and they dipped, and that's hard. It's really hard. And it's something that I feel like you don't really get over, but with time you do develop and you realize, like, I didn't deserve that. I know my value, but that's also with confidence and like learning. And when you finally get that actual connection where it's like I can confide to this person everything. When I'm feeling sad, I'm mad, I'm upset, I had a crabby day at work, or I'm just having a difficult time with my family that I feel like I don't really want to go to anyone else about. That right there shows you you have an actual connection. When they turn to the first person you call, that's when you know you have an actual connection. Now, there can be deceivants where cheating, stuff like that can lead to breaking that connection. And once you've experienced that type of break, it's hard to really start over and trust someone again and officially fully giving yourself to someone else. And I'll get into that on another episode because that is a deeper conversation that I don't think we're ready for yet. But we're gonna get there and we're gonna talk about it, but don't worry. And just to veer back to earlier, with the situationships, you're gonna continue to get mixed signals where it's like you want to be romantic and act like a relationship in private, but we're in public, we're friends. Girl, that's hard. It's hard to know the difference because you get so wrapped in it, or you get to a point where you're like, Well, I asked for this. Well, feelings change, babe. You're gonna go through different stages of, well, I actually kind of like this guy now. And I know we said that we're just gonna have fun and be sneaky links, but I'm starting to catch feelings. Well, that's the time when you have to have a conversation, and it it can go one of two ways. He dips or he stays. You won't know until you know. And if you're ready to have the conversation, if you're currently in a situationship where you would like to see go further, then have that conversation. Now be prepared for the worst, but also give a little bit of hope. You have to take your time with deciding on if this is really going to be something more, or is he going to veer left? And you have to be ready for that. And you might not always be, but you know when is the right time. Scenario of wanting to be in a relationship. How are you detaching without losing yourself? How are you going to distance yourself from this connection without going into a sad hole or being sad about it? Or going through this frump of I'm not gonna find anyone, or am I good enough? This and that. We're gonna try to get away from that. So, what can I do to detach from a situationship? Well, girl, find yourself again. Find yourself. Who are you before them? Because you didn't lose yourself. And I understand, like going through breakups or in a sense, a situationship ending is kind of like a breakup. You have to learn how to be without that person. You're gonna have things that come up where you're like, oh dang, I wanted to text them, or oh, I can call. Oh, wait, I can't. That's gonna be very hard. It's going to take time. It's not gonna be boom, I'm over him. Let's move on. No, I wish it was because your girl is an emotional wreck, and my mind can be my worst enemy at times. And I have a tendency to fester on something where I'm always thinking about it, and I'm like, well, what did I do? What could I have done? Am I the problem? Like, what's wrong with me? And that's not good because guess what? There's something wrong with you, it just didn't work out, and that's okay. It's okay not to be in that same relationship. It's okay to leave a relationship after 10 years because guess what? It didn't work out. It's okay to date around and do whatever you want and maybe deal with a situationship. Maybe you just want to sneak your link. Guess what? Anything that you do is okay. But you have to be honest with yourself. Now, what isn't okay is cheating or being deceitful or not properly communicating with that other person. Because if they think you're in a relationship and you're like, no, we're just friends, you need to be honest with them and be able to have a conversation with them and letting them know what's going on. Because the last thing you want to do is put yourself in those shoes when you're leading someone else on and you get let on. That's hurt. That never goes away. But it's also if you're doing it to someone else, well, it's gonna come around and bite you in the ass, too. I'm not saying that it's not like karma. We're not getting karma on these people. Well, he doesn't like me, so I'm gonna do X, Y, and Z. No. No, move on. Guess what? I'm over it, I'm moving on, I learned a lesson, and I'm gonna take that and move forward. But that brings me to big sister rule number three protect your energy, sis. If they wouldn't do it for you, don't do it for them. Don't give girlfriend material to a man that's never gave you a title. Ooh. Ooh, that's hard. Because you want to give give to someone. Like, oh, like, oh, this reminds me of him. I'm just gonna get it for him. Like, it'll be cute, whatever. Oh, girl, you're slowly going down that dark path of I don't know where that country accent came from, but okay, we're gonna keep it going. Um I don't want you to go down that dark path of, yeah, I'm gonna give it. For him, and I'm gonna do little things, and he's gonna fall for me and blah blah blah blah blah. Don't be stupid. Don't be stupid. Because guess what? If he's not doing it for you, don't do it for them. We love to reciprocate energy over here. If he's buying you flowers, buy him flowers. Women. Buy your men flowers. Because guess what? Majority of the time, the only time a man gets flowers at his funeral, and we don't want that. So if he's taking you out to a nice dinner, we'll treat him. Now, if you're dating and he hasn't asked you to be a girlfriend, then you can say, like, oh, okay, well, I'm gonna back up a little because I'm ready to commit and you're not, and I'm not gonna keep wasting my energy if you're not going to give it back. So that's okay. But what I want you to take away from this mainly is that have those hard conversations, protect your energy, but also communicate and get to the bottom of it. Are you a relationship? Are you a situation ship? Are you a sneak link? Or are you just friends? Don't be delulu. You need to know what's going on, and you need to both be honest with yourself. But just know that any situation that you are in, it's okay. You can do what you want. Who cares? If you want to be a hoe, be a hoe. If you want to be a wife, be a wife. But not all men deserve wifey treatment. And I'll let you take that. Your own will mind my business on that one. But just take your time. Decide what's best for you and listen to that rule. Rule number three, guys. We're getting more and more. Protect your energy sis. If they wouldn't do it for you, don't do it for them. Now, with that, I'm gonna close out. I love you guys. And remember that you are the prize, and you deserve the best. And that might look different for everyone else. All right. That's it for today through the chaos corner, where we laugh, spiral, and somehow figure it out, anyways. If you made it this far, you're officially part of the chaos. So don't forget to follow. Come back next time because let's be honest, the chaos isn't going anywhere. Until then, stay a little chaotic.