It's Not What You Say It's How You Say It

Episode 2: It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Say It

What if the problem isn’t what you’re saying—but the way it’s landing? In this episode, we dive into one of the most powerful—and often overlooked—elements of leadership and connection: how you communicate.

It’s not just about the words you choose, but the delivery systems behind them—your tone, body language, energy, and presence. These are the signals that either build trust and connection…or create distance without you even realizing it.

We explore how increasing your awareness of these delivery systems can transform the way you show up in conversations, both personally and professionally. You’ll begin to recognize how your behaviors impact others and learn how to adjust in real time to create more meaningful, positive connections.

We also share practical tools to help you strengthen your awareness, align your communication, and lead with greater intention and impact.

If you’ve ever felt misunderstood—or want to elevate the way you connect with others—this episode will give you the insight and tools to communicate in a way that truly resonates.

Thank you for joining our podcast ABCs for Leadership & Life.

If today’s episode challenged your thinking or gave you a new perspective, don’t keep it to yourself—share it with someone who needs it.

Remember, leadership starts from within. When you become the boss of your thoughts and intentional in how you show up, everything begins to change.

For more tools, resources, and ways to grow, visit us at: https://chloupekconsultingservices.com and https://LaurenEMiller.Com 

And if you haven’t already, be sure to subscribe and leave a review—it helps us reach and impact more leaders just like you.

Until next time…love first, then lead. 

Jenn and Lauren

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome, my friends, to another ABCs for Leadership in Life podcast. We're so grateful you're pushing the pause button to join us today. Man, we got a topic today that perhaps will add some wisdom to how you communicate with each other. It's entitled, It's not What You Say, but How You Say It. If this is your first time to the ABCs for Leadership in Life podcast, welcome. We're so glad that you're with us today. And our podcast basically, we're here to help you grow in leadership, strengthen your mindset, and become your best self from the inside out. Each episode brings you practical tools rooted in awareness, behavior, and connections. That's the ABCs, right? How aware are you of how you communicate? What behavior do you use that works for you, that doesn't work for you? And how do you connect with people around you to create that lasting transformation of your mind and the soul? You'll gain strategies to help you lead with clarity, communication, and purpose ultimately to make a meaningful impact. So let's jump in today. I am Lauren Miller, and I'm with my co-host, Jen Klopeck, and we are very excited about this topic, right, my friend? Oh my goodness, yes. Something that uh we're constantly course correcting on.

SPEAKER_01 1:24

Living it personally, daily, day to day.

SPEAKER_00 1:27

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. We're we're we're talking here uh about your delivery systems, and really it's interesting it just giving percentages to how we're communicating in terms of subliminal cues, about 54% of our communication is our body language and your face. I'll often say, remind your face that you actually want to make a positive connection with this person. And you might say, Well, what if I don't? Well, that's a different conversation. And so your face is a billboard, right? How aware are you of your face? I'll often ask clients, hey, get in the mirror and look at your different facial expressions. Because subliminal cues create connection or disconnection, and they're constantly going on in communication. The other one is about 34% is your intonation. It's not what you say, it's how you say it, right? And only about 7% are the words we use, Jen.

SPEAKER_02 2:26

That's incredible. If you break it down like that, Lauren, it just makes me think about awareness and how aware am I of body language and tone. And it brings me back to being a parent as well. This is leadership and life podcast. Being a parent, if I was really upset with my kids, I may not have been yelling, but my boys perceived my tone, intonation to be yelling. And so they shut down and wouldn't listen to what I had to say because the delivery system wasn't working. So exactly it, you know, fast forward 25 years later, and it all makes sense now that I'm having this conversation with you.

SPEAKER_01 3:05

Mama was mad. I wasn't yelling, but uh my intonation uh communicated frustration.

SPEAKER_00 3:12

Yeah, it's interesting because when when we feel threatened in communication, that's when our delivery systems get hijacked. And so, to give you an example, let's say you're you're in the office and you're with a bunch of your colleagues and you're talking about uh a meeting that's coming up and you realize you weren't invited to the meeting. So instantly, depending upon where you're at in terms of your position, as well as how you're wired, whether that's important to you to be included or not, because some people are are high D's in the disk, and perhaps we'll do a a uh podcast on that as well, which means you're you're power driven and you fear loss of power and control, but you really don't care too much about what people think or if you're included or not. If you're a high IRS, which is more of relationship driven or or consensus driven, then yeah, you want to be included, right? And so what happens when when you're in that situation and you notice, ah, I am not included, I wasn't on that email. And when you feel threatened, then that's when you're gonna see uh a hijacking of your delivery systems, right, Jen? It's like our our voice changes, our facial expression changes because we're giving free rent to an ant, an automatic negative thought. And we're talking about ABCs here. So the first step is awareness. That's that's how you become the boss of your brain, right? We talked about that a little bit in our in our first podcast. Uh is the awareness of when are you getting hijacked? When are you threatened by something? And where do you feel it in your body when that happens? Because that awareness then puts you in the driver's seat to be able to be aware of the behavior that goes along with it. So I I really have a question about that, Jen, like in terms of where do you go? Because there's usually three buckets when we are hijacked by something that's a potential threat. And it usually shows up in behavior as stonewalling, negative talk, or defensive behavior. What are your thoughts on that?

SPEAKER_02 5:22

That's that's a that's a lot to unpack there. I love it. I love what you said, Lauren. Where do you feel it in your body? And so even having that awareness that, hey, now I'm aware something happened. A, like I'm pulling in the data, I was not invited to the meeting. Now step B is behavior. What am I doing now as a result of feeling? And I'm using quotes over here, like left out or not included. And that behavior could be shutting down, it could be gossiping, it could be whatever it is filling in the blank. And it's so interesting. We could do a whole other podcast of this. I don't think, especially in our generation, I'm a Gen X Lauren, I'm assuming you're a Gen X as well. We weren't even talk really the emotional language. So even to stop and say, hey, I feel blank and put in that emotion. I feel left out, I feel frustrated, I feel rejected, I feel hurt, I feel in because, and then you identify what was the situation that made you feel like that. And so that's really good emotional intelligence and awareness is just stopping to hit that pause button. And listeners, this is a great tool or strategy to use. As soon as you have that physiological feeling like Lauren was talking about, stop and hit the pause button to ask yourself what caused that. And so the sentence starter is I feel blank because blank. And then there's an action and blank. So the and might be if you're learning this for the first time, and I'm not gonna choose to have a conversation right now because my delivery system is all hijacked. And maybe I just need to go and do some deep breathing or take a walk or call a trusted friend, like do some unhooking, and that's what I call it. Like, how do I unhook from that situation so I don't let that situation be the boss of me?

SPEAKER_00 7:19

Yeah, it's it's pretty cool. It's it's like the popular book, Let Them, right? There was a lot of really good theory in there and a lot of good theory on stress management, too, which is giving us an opportunity to get off the stage rather than reacting, right? Your greatest power is it's like our superhero power, right, Jen? We talk about it, is our ability to respond versus react. And the way the brain works, it literally happens in 125,000ths of a second. As soon as you see something as a potential threat outside of you, it happens in 125 thousandths of a second that the hypothalamus calls up the pituitary, tells the adrenals we're under attack, the frontal cortex restricts, shoots the blood to the back part of the brain so that you can fight flight freeze, stonewall, negative talk, or defensive behavior. You implode or you explode. There's only really three reactive choices there. And guess what? It shows on your face and it spills out into your intonation. So, Jen, what I hear you saying is to be able to actually have a system that can help you to practice the pause before responding.

SPEAKER_02 8:29

100%. And honestly, Lauren, in coaching, it's all around choice and having that agency that we have a choice. And so that's empowerment. I mean, your definition of stress is when you don't think you have any other choices and you just react the way in which your brain has habitually been wired in the past. But true empowerment for leadership and life comes in the choice. I have a choice to do something differently. And maybe the sentence starter might work for some folks listening. Maybe it is identifying some unhooking techniques because in the way in which you respond, something hooked you to then if you were to respond back or react, because it's not even a response in that moment, your message is going to be um altered. And honestly, Lauren, you and I don't practice these podcasts, we just come on live. I didn't even think about the messaging showing up on your face and how that communicates to other people. And so do you have any tips or strategies? So let's go back to our case study of the individual who doesn't get included in the meeting. Any practical tips for controlling the face?

SPEAKER_00 9:43

Yeah, you know, it really comes, you know, my background is in taekwondo, right? And I and I didn't don't think I shared the story last time, but I I remember practicing four hours a day, six days a week for a year for the Colorado State Championship. And and I found myself in the ring and all psyched because I had my skill set in the ring. And within, I don't know, like it was like the first round, uh, there were my opponent did an illegal hook kick. So the illegal hook kick could be metaphorically, I wasn't included in the meeting in the meeting. And you take it as an illegal hook kick, right? Because then you feel uh insecure, perhaps, or other below the line lights off emotions. And I was knocked out in the ring. And the the ref was counting down 10, 9, 8, 7. I came to at about four, but I had this rage that literally happened as a result of the knockout, and it filled my my gut, I remember, and just coursed up through my neck, and my heart was racing. I could barely see out of my right eye, and I popped up in the ring, and I literally went after her like a spider monkey. So I'm like doing hook kegs, bag kicks, and I remember just you know kicking her right out of the ring. Uh and I ended up winning the silver medal. So my ego escorted me off the stage with the silver medal and my eighth-degree black belt from Korea, who was extremely wise, came up to me and said, Lauren, you lost. You lost. And I was like, What? What do you mean I lost? He goes, You forgot your skill set. You forgot your sil skill set because your emotions had the best of you. And that's what happens to us. So you're in a group of people and it's your prep work outside the ring that leads to success within the ring. So, practically speaking, I go back to that that suggestion I I make to a with a lot of my clients is get in front of the mirror and see, look at your facial expressions. Because many of the times this is a learned behavior to be able to be the boss of your face. I remember one time after praying, God's like, remind your face that I adore you. I'm like, all right. So obviously, I'm not carrying the light of the world out today. You know, our face, our face follows our emotions. And so just to to practice uh a non-threatening look that you know, okay, this is my non-threatening look. I'm totally hijacked right now. I just need to go to the bathroom and tap. That's the other thing I teach my clients to do is EFT, emotional freedom technique. You start tapping, right, um, on your thymus, on different points on your body to calm your amygdala because your amygdala is hijacked. And I know that in Let Them, they they mentioned uh riding the 90-second wave, right? Which is true in in stress management. You want to get off the stage as quickly as possible. So you so you so practice a facial expression that you know can get you to the place for recovery rather than going after your opponent like a spider monkey. And it might be imploding, exploding, talking about the person, telling your story to everyone because you feel left out. We all have our own mo. Um, if you're more, you know, dominant driven, then you might be like, you know, right, right on the spot, do a do a move back quickly to gain ground that doesn't really support the person you want to be.

SPEAKER_02 13:08

I love that, Lauren. And I've heard too that a coaching question really is powerful to get you in a situation and to get you out of a situation. Absolutely. So another technique I'm I'm hearing after maybe you've taken the 90-second pause and um recalibrated is come back in and ask. So instead of making up, I love what you say is sometimes we fortune tell minory, makeup stories all the time, maybe ask a question. So you don't even let yourself wander down the road of why it wasn't included. And just I'm I'm assuming having your face and your mind and everything collected together, but then approaching it back to say, oh, just out of curiosity, I was really, you know, hoping to be in that meeting when happened. Um, and then you get additional data. And so a behavior is if you're not used to asking a coaching question to get that fuller picture of reality, then maybe that could be a suggestion or a strategy to do moving forward. It's just, hmm, I could, I could always ask a question instead of making up a story of why I wasn't involved and uh letting myself spiral and spin out.

SPEAKER_00 14:17

Absolutely. You know, it's one of those things where um when you're triggered, just know that you will majority of the time attribute motives to the other person's behavior that are not true. And there's tons of studies on this. And just be aware of this. Perhaps that's that's your main takeaway. I forgot to preface that at the beginning of our podcast. Jen and I are both educators. We started out in as elementary school teachers and we're now in adult education and executive coaching, stress management, team building, all that with adults. And we're all grown-up kindergarteners. We we have the same desire to be seen and recognized and and appreciated, right? And so when that doesn't happen, that's when we're gonna see the below-the-line behavior kick in. Be aware that you will attribute motives that are most of the time not true. And so, Jen, I love what you're saying in terms of going in with that well-posed question, right, that takes away the guesswork. Because when we're stressed, we we go into catastrophizing thinking, all or nothing, uh, mind reading, fortune telling, all kinds of uh below-the-line limited thinking patterns that impact our delivery systems. And so when you go back, take some time to get to get that's where they say, you know, suggest the 90-second rule. I actually just knowing that it takes the amygdala, if you're really knocked out in the ring, right? It usually takes about 24 hours before the amygdala calms down and stops firing the norepinephrine epinephrine, which which kick starts your sympathetic nervous system and causes you to be in that fight-flight freeze. And so you want to get back into the parasympathetic nervous system, which is the growth mode, the peace, the calm, the confidence. And there's many different ways to do that. I mentioned the tapping as well as just the space, practicing the pause and riding the wave. And but when you d and when you do go back, you think about okay, what is it that I want to know? Which I love what you said, Jen, because we often make a huge story and cast ourselves as the main character in it, that 95% of the time isn't even true. And so there's a way to actually word that. Uh, in this case, just going straight in and saying, Hey, just curious why I wasn't, you know, on the invite. I would have loved to have been a part of the meeting sooner than later, right? And wait until your body calms down before you deliver the message, because man, our intonation and our face facial expressions literally reflect the hijack. So you really want to be committed to allowing that to calm down first. Even our word choice in emails, allow it to calm down first so that you can be an executive functioning, which that's solution focused, right? Less attach less attachment uh to the outcome. But there's actually a phrase that you can use in conflict that goes beyond just our case study here. When uh someone does something and it hijacks you, and therefore you're not confident in your delivery systems, you can simply say, Hey, when you said this or you did that, or that situation happened, this is the story I tell myself. And that's that's a a non-threatening way to be able to be transparent without accusatory language, and it all has to come from you, right? Hey, the story I'm telling myself when you say this, am I off on that? And watch what happens. It doesn't work for every situation, and it works for a lot of situations.

SPEAKER_02 17:59

I love that tool, Lauren, and that really makes me think of in crucial conversations, there's a a tool, the state your path, and it's exactly what you're saying. Share the facts. You don't want to go in and be accusatory. Then the fact is there was a media media and be as um fact-based and detail-oriented as possible because it's hard to argue with the facts and people don't take the facts as personal. But there was a meeting today on April 21st at 10 a.m. I noticed that so-and-so, so-and-so, and so-and-so was including on the meeting. I was not in the meeting, the story that I'm telling myself. And so it's state the facts, then T is tell your story around the facts, and then A is ask a question. And so it's the state path from crucial conversations. And then those are the what skills, like the share the facts, tell your story or your interpretation around the facts, and ask the question. And then the how skills are talking tentatively and encouraging testing too. And I and I can imagine that when you're talking tentatively, your faces matching up with the words that you're saying. And part of the how skills is your intonation and your body language of how you're gonna communicate that message without being, you know, using your analogy, a spider monkey coming back and just getting another person in Lenny. Can I share a story real quick? And I know we want to be cognizant with time, but I just want to share a personal story. So we'll do another podcast, so many different podcasts on things. We all have something called an internal driver that drives our behavior. And a lot of times that internal driver is attached to the way in which we respond and react to things. And so my internal driver is to prove my worth. And I am married with to a man who intends to be a policer. He polices everything. And if you don't know my husband's story, it's tied to the way and you're left in the morning because you just came and you spent uh a week with us recently and got to be. And so it's really interesting. And so sometimes I be can become unhinged and my delivery uh system can can go off the rails. And that's why when Lauren and I predicated and talked about this podcast, we're living this and we're not doing it perfectly. We're just with you. And some days we get it right and some days we don't. So, however, I finally co-authored a book on my own and it came in. Yay! And Lauren came in and I received the company from our publisher. We happened to use the same publisher, Ginger, and she is absolutely amazing. So, props to Ginger and document publishing. But I got my book in and I was so excited to share it with my husband, Lair. So I handed him the book, and immediately he took the book and he proceeded to say some words that I did not expect to come out of his mouth. I just wanted to prove my worth. And he said, Oh my gosh, this is horrible. There's a lot of gray font, Jim. I wouldn't use gray font because people can't really read the words. My little ego, my self-worth, whatever you want to call it, just deflated in the moment and I collapsed. I could have come back in passive aggressive mode, cook your own damn dinner like spider monkey. However, I stopped and I giggled and I said, I know what's going on. I'm trying to prove my worth, and you're trying to police the book just to make it better. It was the way in which he said it. So I handed him back the book and I said, Tell me one good thing about this book. And he scrolled through it and he said, Ginger did a beautiful job. I love the color, I love the way it's laid out. It's very simplistic. Um, we Globally, so other people in different cultures would be able to read it if English wasn't their first language. So I looked at him and I said, Next time, can you start with that first? And so sometimes it's just teaching people how to treat you and what needs to be said. And we need to help each other in life with this because he laughed too. So instead of having a strained relationship for a week, we both laughed and giggled about it. And we got that 30,000-foot view and were able to see clearly what was happening in the situation instead of giving power away over to the situation.

SPEAKER_00 22:33

I love that, Jen. And really that's what stress is is the power we give to outside circumstance to define our worth, value, and capability, right? And so we the cool thing is, is because we give it away, Shazam, we can take it back. So, listener, today you'll have some time to go out and practice in Earth School, taking back the power that you're giving to circumstance to define your worth, value, and capability, which is impacting your delivery systems. And as we as we come to an end of our conversation today, remember that you are the boss of your thoughts as well as your delivery systems. So get very familiar with the ABC, become very aware of your delivery systems, your intonation. I remember someone after after talking in advance said, Hey, you come across as intimidating. I'm like, What? What are you talking about? And and it's you know, I have a low voice. I I can't tell you how many times people call me sir, uh, even even after, yeah, yeah, it's it's a pretty funny ongoing joke. Um and so I really started playing around with with my intonation and uh my delivery systems. So just be aware of of that and also be aware of how your behavior shows up uninvited when you do get hijacked by something outside of you instead of and instead of just jumping on the stage or jumping in the ring, take the pause at the 90-second wave or even longer. I like the 24 hours before you respond. And then come come with with that clarity of focus for accuracy of response, of stating the facts, and then sharing your story, and then ending with a question. Am I off on that? This is the story I was telling myself. And then and then see what happens in terms of creating connection versus disconnect, which is really our goal, is to create more connections today than yesterday. So, Jen, as we come to an end, would you mind sharing with listeners what we got going on in August?

SPEAKER_02 24:30

Oh my goodness, I am so excited, and it's been such a blessing, Lauren, working with you and doing this. It's been so effortless and easy, and it's and it and it's not because Lauren and I have done a lot of hard work to do all of this behind the scenes, but when we surrender and really give it over to higher power god, um it it becomes easy and it becomes fun. And so, with that being said, if you want to join in on the fun, it is an ICF accredited. If you don't know what ICF is, it's the International Coaching Federation and it's the gold standard for coaching, just to make sure that people in the industry have credentialing because anyone could go out and call themselves a coach in the wild. However, this is that gold standard that companies really are looking for in government agencies. And so, yeah, we we're blessed to be um the founders of this program and we are offering an open enrollment in August. So the three-day immersion is August 27th for the 29th, and then we will follow that up with some online learning and some modules to get the hours that is needed. It's 75 hour total in the program. So the three-day immersion will be roughly 24 hours in person together, and we will finish up with the modules online every other Monday night, which also includes mentor coaching. And we would love to have you. And so, even if you're not going to ever use your executive coaching certificate, this is even great for leaders. And the ICF competencies are amazing competencies. There are eight of them that is actually in a leadership program amongst themselves as well. So if you are a leader in an organization, if you're an HR professional, if you're someone who wants to start your own practice, this is a really uh great way for you to get that credentialing and we will walk beside you every step of the way. And we've learned, we we piloted this with Toyota 2 Show last July, and we've learned lessons of what works, maybe what didn't work. So we're always process improving. And I've got to say the price point for this, if you compare it to other coaching organizations, is really, really reasonable. So we would love to have you join us, Lauren. Where can they find more information?

SPEAKER_00 26:52

Yeah, you know, I'm gonna send it to to my website. It's on both of our websites. Jen's site is Clopec Consulting Services.com, Clopec Consulting Services.com. If you go to, you can either go to Clopec Consulting Services.com or my website, laurenemiller.com, L-A-U-R-E-N-E-Miller.com. That's an easier one in a podcast to kind of remember. And if you go to laurenemiller.com, you'll see programs. If you click on that, you'll see the podcasts as well as something, uh, a link that says ICF Coaching Academy. So when you click on the programs tab, the menu comes down, click on ICF Coaching Academy, and that'll give you all the information you need. So, Jen, as we close up today's podcast, is there any final thoughts for listeners in terms of becoming the boss of their delivery systems?

SPEAKER_02 27:45

No, Lauren, I just love how you summarized it there too, because we really leaned heavily into the A part, that gaining awareness of when something happens, how do I show up? B, what are the behaviors? And you really brought it full circle. We're doing all this for better connections, better connections with ourselves and better connections with other people. And so when you're the master of your delivery system and the way in which you communicate, you're gonna up your relationships in life and in leadership. And the most powerful analogy that I want to leave the listeners with is imagine you have a big ball of peace or serenity or whatever you want to call it living inside of you. And when someone says something to you and you are hijacked, you actually give away that ball, that beautiful serenity ball, that peace ball, whatever it is, to the other person. And so my goal for myself is just to always remember, I want to keep that peace and I don't want to give my power away to a circumstance or to another individual without having that clear model of reality of what's going on. And even if I have a clear model of reality of what's going on, I don't want to give that away. It's just, and I don't know if that's you know, the 50 plus years that I've been on this earth school, as you like to say, that I've finally learned that. But you and I've walked through some tough stuff before, and it always hasn't been easy for me, Lauren. I've given that peace ball away to lots of people and circumstances, and I know you know, because you've been my coach uh for the last 10 years.

SPEAKER_00 29:18

Well, you know, it's interesting because we do give that power away so quickly, and when we care too much about what other people think of us, then that hijacks our sense of worth and value. And so any time that you're giving power away and you feel less than or insecure, then just know you've given, just ask yourself, where have I given the power away? Dear God, grant me the grace to bring it back where it belongs, for live from the inside out versus the outside in. So so grateful you took the time to join us today, and we look forward forward to more fun. And these topics are just very organic, they just basically come from our own conversations on how to uh apply the ABCs for leadership and life so that you can make more positive connections today than yesterday. So enjoy your journey and we look forward to uh to being with you again.