How to Understand in the Midst of Being Misunderstood

Why do we fight so hard to be understood—especially during conflict? In this episode of the ABCs for Leadership & Life Podcast, we explore how our ego-driven need to be right, liked, and understood can actually block meaningful connection. Through the lens of the ABCs—Awareness, Behavior, and Connection—we unpack how emotionally intelligent communication shifts us from defensiveness to curiosity, helping us understand others even in moments of misunderstanding. Discover practical tools to improve communication, strengthen relationships, and lead with greater emotional intelligence in both life and leadership. Want more tools for emotionally intelligent leadership, communication, and personal growth from Jenn and Lauren? Visit: https://chloupekconsultingservices.com/ and https://laurenEmiller.com/

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Remember, leadership starts from within. When you become the boss of your thoughts and intentional in how you show up, everything begins to change.

For more tools, resources, and ways to grow, visit us at: https://chloupekconsultingservices.com and https://LaurenEMiller.Com 

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Until next time…love first, then lead. 

Jenn and Lauren

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Welcome back to another podcast. We thank you for pushing that pause button to join us today to the ABCs for Leadership and Life podcast. The fact that you're actually pausing and tuning into us today means that you're going to get something out of this that will be able to empower you to be a better communicator, as well as to help you to release the undue stress that comes from something as a human being that we all experience. And that's feeling like we're misunderstood, right? Yeah. So perhaps you've experienced something like that, um, even in the last 24 hours. Understanding in the midst of being misunderstood. And it's really a leadership shift that builds real connection. I'm laughing because Jen and I oftentimes, you know, pretty much anytime we put out a podcast is because that we are uh going through it ourselves. My name is Lauren Miller and my co-host is is Jen Klopeck, and she's with me today. And really, you know, perhaps you're struggling to be understood in a conflict situation. And you're going to discover at the end of this podcast how to shift from ego-driven reactions, right? Getting hijacked, to emotionally intelligent communication using our ABCs. And that's the awareness, the behavior, the connection. And so before we jump in, I'd like you to think about a time when you felt misunderstood. Just allow your mind to kind of drift back to the past and think about a moment when you did feel misunderstood, and kind of keep that in mind as we're going through the conversation today. It's really our goal that you walk away with one piece, one key idea or tool that you feel will help you in this area because it causes a lot of undue stress, my friends. And who needs that, right? What if the reason you're not being understood is because you're trying too hard to be understood, right? It's our instinct to be understood. But true connection comes when we shift back to that place of emotional intelligence, which is what we're gonna do. Before we jump in, I just want to let you guys know what we're doing out here in the world. At the end of August, we're launching our first, it's kind of like it's our training and it's ICF certified, right, Jen? Yes. So exciting. Yeah. And so we're gonna be doing that uh at the end of August. And and we really we were just kind of looking at the roster. We we really have a full classroom. I think we have a uh maybe one or two seats left if you're interested in that. Feel free to reach out to us. You can go to my main website, laurenemiller.com, L-A-U-R-En E Miller.com, and just click on the programs tab and you'll see a drop-down menu. Just go to ICF Coaching Academy. Jen's website also has it on there as well, and you'll see a link to her website on that page at laurenemiller.com, uh, Clopec Consulting Services.com. We have information. And if you're interested, if it's something that you feel will help you thrive and survive, the fact that you're tuning into this podcast means that you do have interest in coaching, either picking up an idea or becoming a coach. So we welcome you to join us. We're very excited about offering this at this time for such a time as this. So, Jen, what do you think of our topic today?

SPEAKER_02 3:37

Oh my goodness. Like you said, Lauren, it's always a timely topic and it's always something that is relevant going on personally for us as well. And so if we feel the bump up against the topic, we've we feel like our listeners probably also are experiencing the same thing. And I think in life, like you had mentioned, really when we are communicating and interacting with someone, we want to be understood. And when whatever the messages that we're communicating, when that is not understood in the way we intended it to be said, then things can go sideways. And I actually call it untangling wires. So I look at communication, and if we all had a visual right now, you know, between you and I, Lauren, there'd be like one wire and it would be a conduit and it would be us giving and receiving information. Well, when wires get tangled, I think the metaphor in my head is a bunch of just swirly wires all over the place between the listener and the giver of the feedback, really, when you're understood and someone questions the meaning of whatever you had said, um, they're giving you some feedback. And and what do we do with the feedback that they're trying to give us when we are hijacked? And so I, yeah, I just said a lot. What are you what are you thinking?

SPEAKER_00 5:01

Yeah, you know, it's it's interesting. There's there's something deeply human about wanting to be understood, right? In the moments of that that tension when we realize uh Rutrow, they're not picking up what I'm putting down. And in those moments of tension and conflict, that desire seems to intensify. I know that, I know that does for me. It just happened to me recently. And and you don't just want clarity, we want validation. And really, we want to be heard, seen, and justified. But you know, here's the hard truth. Our strongest instinct in conflict is to be understood. And it's also it's often the very thing that blocks real connection. Because we to be understood, it usually tosses us in the back part of the brain, which is bottom-up thinking in neuroscience. And we we only have three reactive choices available to us fight, flight, or freeze. So that will impact, and and we did a podcast previously on our delivery systems. That will impact your intonation, your word choice, 7% of communication, 34% is intonation, about 54 or so percent is is body language. It impacts our delivery systems because the ego is driving the bus. Peep, beep. And when conflict arises, our internal dialogue often sounds like they're not getting me, or that's not what I meant, or I need to explain myself, or they're wrong. And and this is all it's all the ego, you know, um, our need to be right, liked, and understood. And when we stop listening to understand, um we start listening to respond, right?

SPEAKER_02 6:37

Yeah, no, and and a phrase that I I love because all of this is, and Lauren, you mentioned the C like connections that I think with our topic today, as it relates to the ABC model, being aware of how we show up when we're misunderstood and what are the behaviors, and you said that beautifully, really, we go to the behaviors of our amygdala, our fight, flight, freeze, or fawn as action sometimes. And we know that's not our best self showing up. And ultimately it impacts the see the connection. And it's all about relationships. It's really interesting. I'm reading a lot right now, and it's a lot about relationships, uh, human-centered intelligence and you know, lots of fancy names and leadership. And at the end of the day, it comes down to human connections. And when human connections are broken because of a misunderstanding, it's hard to repair that sometimes. And so a phrase that I I try to think of often and I'll apply it all the time. Am I trying to prove that I'm right or am I trying to improve the relationship?

SPEAKER_00 7:48

Great phrase.

SPEAKER_02 7:49

And I have to remind myself, and and two other words come to my mind right now as we're talking through this topic is trust and respect. The person that is giving me this feedback or the misunderstanding that I have with this other person, do I trust and respect them? And do they trust and respect me? And at the end of the day, I think that's human behavior. We want to be trusted and we want to be respected. And so when we're misunderstood, it really bumps up against for me personally, is that respect. You're not even respecting my identity right now or my intentions of what I'm trying to say. And you're not even learning and trying to seek understanding of what I was trying to say in my message, even if you uh misinterpreted the message. So lots of things going on, Lauren, and and people don't teach that. That's why we we have this podcast. We don't go to school and have a school, a class on how do you work well with others and how do you handle being misunderstood? And how do you handle? Because at the end of the day, really, it bumps up against three things, I think. And if the listener can take away these three things, is usually when you're misunderstood, we often get triggered. Maybe there's another word I could say instead of triggered, but that's the one that's coming to my mind right now. And that's what happens to me, is that that amygdala, that portion of my brain gets triggered and it runs through three of one of three of these triggers. Is this a truth trigger? Is this attacking something that is not true? Or is it unhelpful? Is that triggering me? Is it a relationship trigger? Is the person who giving, you know, who's giving me this feedback a relation related to me? Or do we have an intimate relationship? And then identity triggers, is it really triggering my identity and who I am and this misunderstanding? Is it bumping up against one of these or all three of these at the same time? And when this happened to me recently, with the I'll say a family member. I won't say which one. It was bumping up against all three of those triggers for me. It was really attacking what I was truly trying to say. Uh, it was, I was in a relationship with this person. It's a family member, and he, you know, this person was questioning really my integrity and my identity and my message and twisting the words that I was saying, creating their own truth, not the truth.

SPEAKER_00 10:15

Yeah. It's, you know, it's interesting. Being misunderstood uh often feels like rejection instantly. Uh, we feel that, you know, if someone loves us, then they'll they'll give us a generous assumption, right? Um, even if our words don't come out the way we want them to, to just kind of say, hey, when you said this, did you mean this? And just ask for clarity. But it can it can really trigger that defensiveness, frustration, withdrawal, and like overexplaining is another thing. Less is more. So instead of pausing to understand someone else's perspective, we double down on our own. It's really like we feel cornered and we we we want to come out um, you know, fighting. And and and the more we fight to be understood, the less understood we become because our delivery system gets hijacked. So let's shift our our conversation a bit here from that ego place, right? The bottom, bottom-up thinking, feeling rejected, to more into the space of the awareness of emotional intelligence. We always have a choice, my friends. When something bumps you, the definition of stress I like to use is it's the power we give to outside circumstance to define what you believe you're capable of handling successfully, right? When someone's not understanding you from your perspective, we often feel rejected, right? And then that leads to below the line behavior as we try to control the other person and as we feel defensiveness slithering in the back door. We want to move toward a behavior that that is backed by emotional intelligence. That means that how aware am I of my emotions, right? It's okay to feel frustrated or misunderstood or even rejected. Just don't stay there. Just just have that awareness, you know. The first two phases of emotional intelligence is how how aware am I of my emotions and how well do I manage them? Right. So give yourself the gift stop, um, you know, to to move from that below the line behavior to a place of understanding. And that doesn't mean ignoring your perspective. I I do want to make a point of that or silencing your voice or agreeing with everything that's fawning, right? Fight, flight, freeze, fawning is the disease to please, right? And um, it means prioritizing connection before correction. It's kind of like what you said, Jen, in terms of that question that you ask yourself. What is your desired outcome, right? Is it to be understood or is it to have a strong connection and a good relationship? Because understanding builds the bridge that influence influences that that positive connection and having that awareness of, you know, hey, what am I feeling right now? Is my ego trying to protect me? Am I reacting or responding? Because awareness is that that first point of entry uh into emotional intelligence. Be aware of what you are feeling and then and then be aware of your behavior, you know, be off the stage, watch what, watch what you want to do. There's something, you know, I'm being trained in somatic experiences, which is a therapy for um stress and and trauma. And part of that is is awareness and and giving yourself permission to feel what you're feeling and see what your body wants to do with that, and then allowing the parasympathetic nervous system to come back in, which allows you to pause before responding, ask clarifying questions or regulate your tone, right? Um, it's I think it's really important, and and Jen, we were talking about this too, because I recently was misunderstood by someone too that I, you know, really love. And um, you know, it's it just be aware of where you go when you get knocked out and be very careful of the belief that you're making about yourself and the other person. And keep in mind your your desire, right? In in um crucial conversations, it's really setting things up to be very clear of what you want for the relationship. If this relationship is important, if you don't lose sight of that and put the relationship above the the knockout, and then use your words to to to make that positive connection. And Jen, you and I have talked about Imago before. I use it quite a bit and and teach teach it in strategic communication, but it's basically mere validate empathize. You can say, Okay, so what I hear you saying is this. Did I get that? Yeah, I I don't don't think this. I think you might be thinking that. Okay, that makes sense because it's their perspective. You then you move to validating, that makes sense, and I can imagine that you might have misunderstood where I was coming from. So you you connect first and then you course correct. The problem is, is we jump right into course correcting, wanting to course correct that person right away without connecting first, validating their perspective or their conclusion, right? So you we want to build that connection and validate, you know, I can see why you feel that way, right? Stay curious instead of critical.

SPEAKER_02 15:15

Yeah, and I love how you brought in crucial conversations, Lauren. I know both you and I definitely love the frameworks within that book. And and and I know you've mentioned before contrasting statements too. And for the listener, a a great tool that's really applicable that you could walk away today with uh perhaps applying is a contrasting statement. And what that is is two statements. And the first half is the don't half of the statement, and the second half is the do half of the statement. So for example, for the don't half of the statement, you want to think, how did or might or how might the other person mistake my intention, or how did or might they feel disrespected? And so if you had communication, whether that was a text message, whether that was a live conversation, whether that was a phone conversation, whether it was an email, how could you then use that don't statement? And then the do half of the statement is what was my real intention? What was I hoping to accomplish in the conversation? And how do I really feel about the other person? And so an example of that could be is um, let me think of something. Um, it could sound like I'm not here to place blame or rehash the past. I'm here to figure out how we can move forward. So that first is that don't half of the statement. I don't mean to question your knowledge or expertise. I do want to understand how this happened. And so that's a great tool for the listeners to use for understanding and moving forward when you're misunderstood.

SPEAKER_00 16:56

Absolutely. Contrasting is great. Hey, I don't want you to think I'm not validating what you're bringing to the table. What I do want to do is share my perspective to get a fuller model of reality here and let you know what I was thinking too. Don't do. That's a that's a powerful one. It it's it's like instead of saying, hey, you know, that's not what I meant. You're misunderstanding, you know, which is You're wrong. You're wrong, and I'm right. That's our desire to be right, liked, and understood, right? You know, it's we can say, you know, I can see. We can also validate, right? Mirror validate, empathize, and do a little contrasting. I can see how that came across that way. Um, can you tell you tell me more about how you experienced it? You know, and sometimes, you know, when we're triggered, we're like, I could care less how you experience this because you're misunderstanding me, right? So oftentimes we have to ride that 90 90 second wave of of the amygdala and just get back in our body, right? Before we reactively respond. Um, so feel free if you really get spun to say, hey, let me get back to you on this, just so that you can collect your body, right? Get back in your body and settle into your body, let the amygdala calm down, which they say 90 second. But I I've in my experience, it's sometimes 24 hours or 48 hours before you're out of that um defensive mode for the amygdala to calm down. So learning to understand while being misunderstood is more, it's more than a communication skill, really. It's it's inner work and it's knowing yourself. And it does require humility, Jen, and that emotional regulation. Hey, it's not all about me. My desire is, you know, I was just reading the scriptures the other day, consider the needs of others better than your own. I'm like, yeah, that's easier said than done. Because I'm always considering my needs first, right? And so, you know, what I think, what I want, what I need, like the country song says. And so it's all about me. It's all about you, all about it. Exactly it. The meme. So letting go of that need to be right in the moment, you know, and stepping aside, is it takes self-regulation, right?

SPEAKER_02 19:03

It does. And Lauren, before we jump ahead, and I love how we these are unscripted. You and I talked maybe the day before saying, hey, this is coming up. Do you want to jump onto a podcast? We don't even talk to each other really before we even jump on to do the podcast. It is just a live time, the knowledge base you bring to the table, the knowledge base I bring to the table, all the tools, the resources. And I know this is more of your camp learn, but I recently heard this and I want to validate this to see if you've heard of this or if you can shed light to this from me and maybe the listeners, is even when you are. So for me, my situation, and Lauren, you know what my situation was. I was actually having dinner with this person when this incident of misunderstanding happened. I had heard possibly to calm your amygdala and to kind of get back into your body because you said this is in her work, is really to pause and actually start naming things you can see in the environment to like calm yourself. What is that?

SPEAKER_00 19:59

That's part of somatic, that's part of somatic experience. They call that um allowing yourself to arrive in your environment and settling into your environment before that's one of the first steps in somatic experience is hey, um, what do you notice um around you right now? And um see, see where your eyes want to go and what catches your attention. And so it really brings you to the present moment because the amygdala is fired up usually by phantom fears and beliefs. And so when you bring yourself back to your environment, I was actually working with a client yesterday who has panic attacks, and and one of the techniques is to grab an ice cube, right? Because then you become very aware of the cold in your body, right? And so it takes your mind off of the spin in the in between the two ears. And it's really panic attacks are really the panic about the panic, and so that'll that'll happen and feeling out of control in that. And so coming back uh to that first step of orienting, we refer to it in somatic experience, you're orienting yourself to the environment, and then you move to resourcing before you even enter into anything that is that might be considered um a threat or uh a trauma or piece of a trauma or an undesirable situation. You resource first, and that's important. So, like when you were sitting at the table, you just just start looking around, just being aware of okay, here I am. I'm sitting in the chair, I can feel the chair against my legs, supporting me, um getting yourself to drop back into the the present moment. And that would have been really helpful in the moment. Yeah, yeah, it really, it really, it really does, you know. And and so the other technique you can use too, if you're really spun in the moment in your head, you can do this a neurolinguistic programming technique is say the more, the more um you link your undesirable state of being with your desired state of being. The more upset I am right now, the calmer I become. Right? So you you because the brain is making thousands of associations, so you can say, the more upset I am about you know what. He's saying right now, the calmer I become and the more curious I am.

SPEAKER_02 22:04

That feels more real to me, Lauren. I like that. And I think it just depends on who you are, because I've heard of the naming the things in the environment. I'm like, okay, I'm not sure if that works for it.

SPEAKER_00 22:13

Yeah, not everything works for everyone, you know? It's like, you know, I've my book, Five Minutes to Stress Relief, I've got like tons and tons of stress tools because not every tool and also my book, 99 Things You Want to Know Before Stress Stressing Out.

SPEAKER_01 22:29

I've got both of those books. Go get them, listener, if you don't have those. Those are amazing.

SPEAKER_00 22:33

99 things you want to know before stressing out. 99 things, because not everything works for everyone. Some people have different emotional acuity and sensory awareness. Some people are more auditory, some people are visual, some people are kinesthetic. So what works for me might not work for you. So again, that's that ABC coming back to awareness. Um, try some different things on. We've we've offered you in this podcast as we come to a close many different tools. Um, contrasting, uh, uh the contrasting, you state what you don't want to do and you link it to what you do want to do. Hey, I don't want you to feel like I'm not respecting what you're hearing. What I do want to do is kind of bring a fuller model of of where I was coming from, and perhaps that'll be helpful. And so we've also talked a little bit about the more the more technique, um orienting yourself to the present moment to recover from a spin, as well as um being quick to hear, slow to speak. That's another awesome proverbs, right? Be quick to hear and slow to speak, because we can gather ourselves inside. I'll tell you, if it weren't for my relationship with God, Jen, I would rise and fall depending upon how I thought the world was judging me more than I already do, every single day, right? Because there's so many things that we can give power to. And lead with curiosity, because that's the part of the brain that that is solution focused, right? Rejection is problem-focused, judgment is problem-focused. Curiosity and presence is solution focused. And so reflect before you respond, you know, as we mentioned in the Imago. Being misunderstood is uncomfortable. I my goodness. Jen and I coach each other through it all the time. I was just misunderstood this week. She was coaching me through through that, but it's also an opportunity, truly an opportunity to grow in your emotional intelligence and strengthen your leadership and you know, really deepen your relationships. Ask yourself, what do I want for for for this relationship? You know, great leaders aren't the ones who who are the most understood, I'll tell you that much. They're the ones who understand the best. And when people know that you're trying that you're attempting to understand even their misunderstanding of you, they're more apt to understand you, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_02 24:51

It does. And it leads to the two things we said kind of in the beginning of the podcast is respect and trust. Like if you, a leader, are trying to understand someone when there was a misunderstanding that you are showing respect and trust to the other person. I see you, I hear you, and I I I want to understand what where you're coming from. If you don't do that thing, you're gonna not have many followers. You're gonna be running down the hallway, you look behind, and no one's running with you. No one wants to come with you. Yeah. So a lot of this leader, being a leader is hard. Uh, we we thank you listeners for listening to this podcast to to even gain that awareness of what can I do? People, I have a client yesterday just saying, Jen, I don't even know what I don't know. Like, help me, teach me. And that's amazing. That person wants to continue to grow in.

SPEAKER_00 25:42

Learner's mindset.

SPEAKER_02 25:44

And that's what all of this and understanding is a learner's mindset for you. You know, us, you and I, when we go through this, what am I learning about myself right now? What's uncomfortable? What do I need to change? What tool will I use next time? Because guess what? Everyone will have a next time. This is gonna happen. It's it's this thing we call life. And uh yeah, you're gonna be misunderstood in the way in which we show up. And then that's fun. You get to be, and I don't want to use the word proud, but it is a proud moment. When you act differently or you behave differently, that's like a success, a success factor. Like I can, I can do the thing. And success breeds success, I think. Uh, the more we do this, the more it's going to be more comfortable to be something in our comfort zone instead of our panic zone.

SPEAKER_00 26:31

Repetition. Absolutely. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 26:33

Getting those reps in. Yeah. So well, I greatly appreciated this, Lauren. I wish I could go back and do a redo. I know I can't.

SPEAKER_00 26:40

Well, I'm thinking we'll have a lot more earth school opportunities to be able to practice. Um, you know, the fact that people are everywhere, and and we have different filters, different knowledge, experience, and values that that truly do affect how we see. I see you as I am, not as you are. And so the only way I can make a bridge to see you as you are is through that that courageous questioning as as well as sharing and vulnerability, being safe, being vulnerable. I think the greatest leaders don't fear vulnerability, but they use it to connect uh to to humanity. Truly makes makes a big difference. So listeners, again, thank you for joining our podcast. We're grateful. Hopefully, there is we're pretty confident the fact that you're listening in, if you're still listening in, that um that you will get something that that you needed today to be able to truly impact your ability to make positive connections and sustaining relationships, really. That's our goal, right, Jen. So keep keep it going out there. And and like like we said, we're we're dedicated to to our own growth and learning experience, and then we share what we're getting hit with in our school and think about your one thing from today's podcast that you want to apply to your life. And and then think about an action step. You're aware, we've given some awareness, and now you think about some behaviors that that pop up and look for opportunities to course correct for better connection. And that's our ABC uh model that we use and and that we teach that we're gonna be teaching at the end of August, right, Jen?

SPEAKER_02 28:19

Yes, I'm so excited. We have uh probably almost all seats filled for our open enrollment. We still have a couple of of seats available, and that's because you and I are uh shifting on numbers a little bit and and it's gonna be a small intimate group. With that being said, we we are so excited. And I also want to iterate too, Lauren, this is this this is an International Coaching Federation accredited program. So if you want to be an executive coach and and have clients and do that full model process, it's great for that. And I also want to say if you want to be a coaching leader, this course is for you as well. Even if you never have an individual coaching client, this class will help you and this course help you be a better leader. And we could do a whole nother podcast on how the ICF competencies really frame wicked leadership looks like, Lauren. I think that would be let's let's do that one next. I think that would be great. And that falls into the ABCs too. But the the eight competencies the ICF has are just great team competencies, great competencies for leadership. So even if you're sitting on the fence and you're like, oh, maybe I just want to coach a couple clients, but I am an industry and I am a leader and I want to be gonna learn more about what a coaching leader really is, then then come and join the class with us.

SPEAKER_00 29:41

We'd love to have you. Absolutely. So so as you re-enter into Earth School out there, just just keep in mind to seek to understand more than you desire to be understood, because the ramification of that is going to be a positive connection moving forward. And you'll also get over the hurdles of yourself, which is very freeing. So have fun out there, and we look forward to our next podcast together.