How to Find Your Main Driver in Life: The Key to Better Decisions, Less Stress & Purposeful Leadership

How to Find Your Main Driver in Life: The Key to Better Decisions, Less Stress & Purposeful Leadership

How do you identify your internal driver—and why does it matter? In this episode, we explore how your past experiences provide valuable clues to uncovering the primary force that influences your decisions, relationships, leadership style, and response to stress. Your main driver can be both your greatest superpower and your greatest kryptonite. For example, if your driver is getting it done right, your attention to detail can produce excellent results, but it can also leave you stuck in the weeds, overthinking, or struggling to let go. Learning to recognize your driver is the first step toward making better decisions, reducing unnecessary stress, and leading with greater purpose and self-awareness.

Resource: How to ID Your Internal Driver and Why It Matters

Click Here to Access the One sheet referenced in the podcast to help you discover your Internal Driver

If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who wants to better understand what drives them—and how to lead with greater purpose.

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Remember, leadership starts from within. When you become the boss of your thoughts and intentional in how you show up, everything begins to change.

For more tools, resources, and ways to grow, visit us at: https://chloupekconsultingservices.com and https://LaurenEMiller.Com 

And if you haven’t already, be sure to subscribe and leave a review—it helps us reach and impact more leaders just like you.

Until next time…love first, then lead. 

Jenn and Lauren

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome back, my friends, to another episode of ABC's Leadership and Life podcast. I'm Laura Miller, and I'm with my co-host, Jen Klopeck. And we have another fun topic for you today that um we think will help you get some clarity of focus for accuracy response in life. If this is the first time to your ABC, to the ABC's Leadership and Life podcast, we are so grateful you're pushing that pause button to join us today. And this is where we help you grow in leadership, strengthen your mindset, and be help you. Our intention is that you walk away with here from listening to whatever we're talking about today, because we have no script, and whatever we're talking about today, we want you to be a lighter version of yourself and your best self from the inside out. And each episode that we bring to the table brings you these practical tools that are rooted in the ABC acronym awareness, behavior, and connection to create lasting transformation of the mind and the soul. You'll gain strategies to lead with clarity, communication, with purpose, and make a meaningful impact. We're so excited. Um, Jen and I were just talking because we're launching our first coaching program, ICF certified coaching program on our own. Um we've we've done this before within uh corporate setting. And we're very excited because the class is beyond full and it starts in August, at the end of August. We will be doing other classes, and if you're interested in that, please visit Clopec Consulting Services.com and you will be able to access the coaching program there or Lauren.com. So here we go. The title for today's podcast is How to Find Your Main Driver in Life: The Key to Better Decisions, Less Stress, and Purposeful Leadership. Now, I want to brag on my friend a little bit here because she got out of the boat and really took a risk of trusting in her own amazing writing abilities and wrote this book called How to ID Your Internal Driver. And why does that matter? And that's part of the title too, but it's why it matters. Why does it matter that you even take time to find out what your internal driver is? How it works for you, how it works against you, how it's all woven together in a beautiful tapestry and it's made you who you are today. The problem is, is oftentimes it's running below the radar and we get hijacked and we have no idea what's going on. So today it's our intention to bring some clarity around what is going on, around what drives us. So, Jen, you are the star for today, and I'm your co-pilot.

SPEAKER_01 2:46

This is exciting, Lauren. I am thrilled to be talking about this concept with you. And in fact, if reader or listeners, if you do read the book, if you flip to the back cover, Lauren definitely wrote a testimonial to it because I know she lives by her internal driver. She understands it and she is also uh a great voice behind it and an application. So, Lauren, I want to thank you for that. I couldn't have asked a better person to be able to write a testimonial on the back of the book. And yes, this concept, first off, listeners, we're unscripted. And I'm gonna tell you with this concept, Lauren, I am so passionate about it that I might be all over the place today. So I am apologizing in advance if we're all over the map per se, and you have full permission to reel me back in. Yeah. Um, but I do want to start off. I did mention map and said I said I'm all over the map, but I want you to take, we're gonna take a look at this internal driver concept from the 30,000-foot view before we dive deep. And I had asked Lauren, I said, hey Lauren, are you okay if we take a couple of uh podcasts to be able to flesh this out? So this will be a series. We may not go in a row and do like series one, series two, series three. We might do other series and then drop back in and come back to this concept. And that's intentional because if you're listening, we would love for you to do the hard work. There's a lot of identity work in finding your internal driver. And I want just to go ahead and give a definition of what that is. Really, your internal driver is where you spend your time, energy, and effort. And it runs on autopilot behind you, and it has a name and it has a specific name, but you may not know what that name is yet. And our end goal after this series of podcasts would be for you as a listener to come up with a phrase that that describes what this behavior is. So I'm gonna throw out a couple of examples. So I'm gonna start with the end goal first. The end goal would be when Lauren and I are working with clients or we teach this in a workshop format, which is also an option. And a lot of companies and organizations use this, which is really cool because it's a tool to help folks better understand how they show up and why they behave the way in which they do. And nine times out of ten, when there's conflict, it's because two people have competing internal drivers. So for instance, someone's internal driver might be to be right. And so usually it's a phrase, it's a very short phrase. And I have to say it's not good or bad. It's just a clue. And usually when you truly find out what your internal driver is, it does make you cringe a bit because it's like, oh, yes, that's what I do. And I don't really like it sometimes. And so, for example, let's go back to that one example that I just shared to be right. Let's say someone else had an internal driver of to get it done, and they were working on a project together. And so the person who had the internal driver of to get it right might be in conflict with the person who had the internal driver of to get it done, because the person of to get it done is like, hey, we've spent enough time on this, you know, we've been at it for half an hour. Now let's go. And the person is like, hey, we still need to focus on this aspect or that aspect, or we haven't thought about that. So if we don't name what this internal driver is going on in the background, then the relationship can suffer. And as part of ABC, because I also want to link this back to awareness, behaviors, and connection, once someone is aware of their internal driver, then in that moment they know how to behave differently. So back to that case study that I was just referencing of to be right and to get it done. If both of those people who were working on that project knew what each other's internal drivers were and had that awareness, then they could step back and maybe laugh at the situation, like, hey, I know what's getting happening right now. You want to get this project just perfect and get to get it right. And the other person just wants to get it done. And then they make a better connection, which is C to say, hey, how can we work now to compromise on both of these things to be able to both win at what we want and maybe see the perspectives from someone else's lens and their eyes? So it's not a good or bad thing, it's just a clue. And it might help you succeed. It can help you stay safe, it can help you feel valued, it can help you to belong. I am going to say, I'm gonna give this gentleman credit, Lauren. Last week I was in Houston working with coaches and we were talking about this concept, and my mind was kind of blown. And this is where I think Lauren and I are we step off the stage, and when someone's smarter than us or brings a concept that is valuable, we we welcome it. We don't shun that. So this gentleman said, Hey, Jen. Well, actually, he shared his internal driver story because that's part of the process, people sharing their story. And I, this gentleman's name is Ashish. So Ashish, I'm shouting out to you. And Ashish is like, Jen, I think at the end of the day, everyone wants to just be loved. And I just stopped for a second, Lauren, because and I, you and I haven't even talked about this yet. But basic human behavior is to be seen, known, and love. And your internal driver is how you do that, how you experience that love. And I stopped and I thought about it for a second, and I think he's 100% accurate. And I've only had two people in my experience of doing this and and co-authoring the first book and authoring the second book of a client saying, Hey, my my internal driver is to be loved or to love and to be loved. And I'm kind of thinking that's the end product for all of all of us. So I'll I'll share mine right now. And Lauren, I'd love to share yours. Um, mine is to prove my worth. And if I think about what as she said, I think I do prove my worth to feel that love. And I just think that just weaved in a beautiful component to all of this. And if we know that, we can use our internal driver in a healthy, productive way.

SPEAKER_00 9:39

Absolutely. Absolutely. And you know, it works for us and against us, you know, um, when we're aware of the fruit that it produces, so to speak. Um, there's also some weeds that can happen when it spills over. And so we'll we'll talk about that uh as well. Um, my internal driver is to go for it, and to give it a little context, I um I went for life 110%, no doubt about that. And it almost drove me into the grave in a lot of ways, because back in 2006 I was diagnosed with advanced cancer and given five years to live at um 38 years old with three young children. There were eight, ten, and twelve. I just turned 59, praise God. So I'm still wearing the earth suit and very grateful for that. Now, my main driver to go for it worked for me and against me because uh to go for it also motivated me to step out of conventional treatment, even though I had max chemo, I had two years of chemo, six weeks of daily radiation, fourteen surgeries, experimental chemo. I did everything uh to the hilt, traditionally speaking. But when they said that that was to try to get me five years, I went for it and I got out of the boat and I started to really pray for alternatives, and that's when I got hooked with aloe drinking aloe vera one eight ounce when I had cancer, three eight-ounce glasses a day, and cellular defense, uh, which is volcanic ash, it removes all metals and toxins, chloroxygen, which oxygenates the body, cancer cells can't grow in oxygenation. So I made this one sheet uh that has everything I did alternatively, and I went for it. And I believe that that's a huge reason why why I'm still here. Thanks be to God.

SPEAKER_01 11:37

Thanks be to God. And I love that you shared that story, Lauren. And part of finding your internal driver is you look at two, think of this as a roadmap, you know, and you're we're on this journey of life, our own personal road. So we're looking at two sections of your life. We look at past experiences, and usually when we talk about past experiences, we're looking at things in your formative years. And Lauren, uh, because again, this is all scripted. When I ask you about your past experience story, I'm just praying you share this one story of you going for it with a friend.

SPEAKER_00 12:10

Oh, yeah, yeah, no, I didn't want to, but not yet.

SPEAKER_01 12:13

Um you're gonna share it. And I hope I'm gonna apologize for a second because I want them to know. So Lauren shared a kind of a it's it's still a past experience, but it um kind of lends into her present life because she still implements these types of things into her life, her daily life. So we look at two areas of your life to find this golden thread that weaves throughout all of it. And so we look at the road behind us and we look at what shaped you. We think about the people, the places, the things, the values that influence what you learn to want, to avoid, to prove, to protect, to earn, to create, or become. Those are some examples. And then we take a look at present experiences, and that is your current day strengths, your current day, we call them weaknesses, your current day passions, where you spend your energy. And then we look for clues. But Lauren has an amazing past experience story that she can share that reflects this going for it. So, Lauren, I'm I'm I cued you correctly, I think. Yeah, and I think you're gonna share the story.

SPEAKER_00 13:21

I think we're on the same page, my friend. No doubt. So when I was six years old, I lived next door to my best friend Lisa Robbins, and I loved the big wheel. I love the speed of the big wheel, and I love to just go for it on the big wheel. So I recruited Lisa and said, Hey, there's a candy shop down the street, probably about uh three-quarters of a mile on the main road. So I lived in a cul-de-sac, and when you came out of the cul-de-sac and turned right, there was a main road, lots of cars. And the candy shop was about a quarter of a mile down on the left-hand side. So I recruited Lisa Robbins because I was going for it. I was going for that candy shop, and I had an allowance, and so I had my little change, and she I put in a little pocket, and she had her stuff, and we're heading out, so we get to the bottom of the cul-de-sac, take a right, we're on the main road, and we're just cruising on our big wheels as fast as we possibly can go. All I'm thinking about is the candy that I'm gonna be able to buy. Then all of a sudden we hear these sirens behind us, and it was a policeman, and so he he pulled he pulled us over, two six-year-olds on their big wheels, and he gets out and we stop and we're looking at him, and he said, You know, what where's your address? Where do you guys live? And my mom, thank God, she that was one thing that she made me memorize. So uh 11 Lono Court, I still remember it. And so he put our big wheels in his trunk, and we got to ride in the back of a police car, and he pulled up to my house and knocked on the door. And my mom obviously was very shocked, but not so much, because she knew I did go for things like that. So this this drive, this, this why this driver has been with me my entire life, and that's just one of many different stories. And Jen, um, I know you have some stories too, in terms of your why it matters, which is kind of funny. I mean, we're still working through it, my friend. I mean, there's times when you and I have talked about things. I'm like, I know your why it matters, you're stepping up here, you know?

SPEAKER_01 15:18

And we can help each other. That's the beautiful thing. And listener, I want you to hear what Lauren just said because that is just like the mic drop moment is we know each other's internal drivers, so we can be each other's accountability partners, each other's support. We can call each other out on it and say, Oh, looks like it in a kind loving way, but we coach each other. And that's that that's that C part is being connected to who you are and to other people to be able to help you say, okay, this thing, we call it running amok sometimes, because I will say right now, your internal driver is your superpower. And I just want to, you know, praise Lauren right now as this woman goes for it. If we work on a project together, I know she's gonna give 110, 120%. And that's just who she is. And so her story is a trip because that's a past experience story. And we all have those stories, and that's what we're asking you to do. If you really want to take an actionable action, if you will, uh, next step to do to find this is between now and our next podcast series that we touch base on this, which we probably will call it like past experiences and present experiences for a clearer view or something like that. Um just jot down your past experiences and jot down who were the people who shaped who you were? What were the messages? Um, what brought you peace and made you feel safe? What environments brought out your best or stress response? And think about these little stories. And if you can't remember, go back and ask someone. Again, last week in my session, a gentleman named Jeff said, I just got to go back and look through photos. Like I'm at this age in my life that I need a little mental jogging. And I think that's a great activity to do. But Lauren, you asked me one of my stories, and the one I typically share is my both of us are a little rebels. That's what I gotta say, Lauren. And so I went grocery shopping with my mom. And, you know, back then we were we struggled a little bit sometimes financially. And I think I remember we went grocery shopping every other week. Like when my dad, it's probably when he got paid. Like every two weeks we go to the grocery store. And I remember driving to the grocery store back then, you know, my mom would let me run up and down the aisles at age six or seven without a worry in the world of anyone coming to get me or anything. So different world back then. Good old days. Good old days. I'd I'd walk through the grocery store with a little bag of powdered sugar donuts and probably inhale half of them. Not saying I do that today, listeners. Uh however, it was just a kind of a joyous experience for me. And I love my mom and my dad. And I'm an only child. And I I what this one particular day, I saw a rack of what I thought to be free brochures. Just, you know, if you go somewhere, sometimes there are free brochures you can take about an area. Um, but this rack wasn't free brochures. It happened to be a rack with little recipe booklets. I think back then it was Bisquick recipe booklets. And I remember taking one of the recipe booklets and hiding it underneath my tuck it in it, tucking it in my waistband and my shirt over top of it, thinking, I'm gonna give mom a gift. And we were almost home. Lauren, it was in the 70s. We had a Chevy Nova, vinyl seats, um, you know, our butts are sweating. We had the windows rolled down with the old-fashioned rolled down. You know me, Lauren. I'm really bad with surprises. I just shared something I was gonna give to you when you got here for a moment.

SPEAKER_00 18:54

Yeah, you're gonna tell me so bad.

SPEAKER_01 18:56

I want to tell you so bad. So that's how I was with my mom. I was gonna wait till I got home, but almost home, I whipped out this free recipe booklet to give her because we love cooking. And she gave me a reaction that I did not expect that day. She whipped her head around and said, Jenny, what did you steal? And my little heart just sank. And she taught me a valuable lesson. And this is where your values get into it. Like, what are the values that your parental unit or anyone taught you in your formative years? We had to go back to it, it was called a uh pantry pride grocery store, East Coast kind of grocery store. And I had to go back to Miss Penny, I remember her name, the store manager, who always used to give me little dumb-dum lollipops because I was a good girl to tell her that I stole something. And that day, my mom taught me integrity and honesty and doing the right thing. And that was also my internal driver coming into play. I wanted to prove my worth to my mom. So I did something that I thought would prove my worth, and it really backfired on me. And I want to share with the listeners, sometimes when we were playing out our internal driver, we think we're doing a good thing, but it's a bad thing as well. So this even happened this week. A girlfriend of mine is in a little bit of a struggle with a relationship with someone else. And I think the woman was trying her, I don't know whether her internal driver is to serve, but if I were to guess, because you'll become good at kind of reading people a little bit, and they share with their internal driver all the time without you going through this process. But I think her internal driver is to serve. And she was advertising for my friend, she was doing some things for my friend, thinking it was a good thing to serve. And my friend didn't want that. She was like, I don't want to be known. I don't want to be in the public. You know, I think you think you're doing a good job, you know, serving and doing this thing, but it's really not a good thing. And so even me, I was thinking I was proving my worth through taking this, but I learned a valuable lesson that day as well.

SPEAKER_00 21:10

Yeah, there's there's so many, I mean, as we as we often say, you know, dear God, what's my lesson for today? I am so and I and you've heard us speak about this before. Suffering is never wasted when the lessons are learned, right? I mean, we've been in re-enrolled in our school classes again and again and patience and um also uh humility as well as listening to understand versus to be understood. And and our why it matters is in play and hooked into all of that. You know, I was thinking, Jen, even when we presented together, we had that funny conversation afterwards when our why it matters were like I was going for a presentation and you were wanting to prove your worth. And so the two of us presenting together, we had to create ground rules, and sometimes we need to do that uh many times. And but the fun thing is is when you realize it's the why it matters that that. Drives our behavior, and a lot of times we have incredible intentions, good intentions, right? And so that's why open communication is so important when you're working with people that don't think the way that you think and don't have the same why it matters. I have I have a client uh a couple years ago, their why it matters is to knock it out of the park. And I had another client um whose why it matters is is to do just enough.

SPEAKER_01 22:26

Now can you imagine they work together?

SPEAKER_00 22:28

Yeah, can you imagine? Just in terms of expectations and the opportunity for clarity, working together. And it's it's really no judgment, it's just understanding. And that's what that awareness leads to a shift in our behavior so that we're emotionally intelligent, and then that leads to positive connections with people that don't think the way that we think, right? So a fun a fun exercise to do with this, just to keep it simple based on what we're talking about today, is think about something that's been with you your whole life. Um, something, a phrase, a soundbite, right? My undergrad was in advertising and psychology, and I remember them saying, say the same thing half the words. Just think of a sound bite of something that has been with you your entire life. And perhaps it motivated you to not get, you know, one degree. You had to get more than one degree, right? To prove my worth, to show that I matter, to prove my value, um, to excel expectations, to be better than, you know, and there's no judgment with this, it's just being aware of what your main driver is. And this is a like Jen said in the beginning, this is a high, high overview of what your internal driver might be. And that's the fun part after today is to just start kind of thinking through hey, if I could sum it down to like one main driver that I've been familiar with my whole life, what might that be?

SPEAKER_01 23:55

And that's amazing, Lauren. As you were just speaking, it makes me think, and I'm pulling it in, is the uh International Coaching Federation core competencies really, this is what we do during coaching is we want to help our clients discover and unearth things about themselves that then evoke awareness in them that ultimately facilitates their growth because that's what we're all about. I mean, in life, we want to continue to learn to continue to grow. And so it's competency number seven and eight in the ICF competencies. But as great leaders and organizations, this is what I believe you should all leaders should be doing with their direct reports is evoking awareness, having coaching moments with people to say, hey, perhaps you didn't know that when you're in a meeting, you speak first or you always need to be heard. You know, what would happen if you didn't do that? And and those are hard moments sometimes, but they're coaching moments, and that would be evoking awareness in that person who may not know what that blind spot is, in order for them to grow. Because honestly, saying nothing might be the best thing. And if they know, hey, I'm my typical MO is to be heard, but in this instance, the best thing would be to be muted right now, possibly. You know, that would be my superpower. So it's keeping it in rain. And I know, Lauren, we both have pretty traumatic stories and illnesses that we've both uh faced and both are totally different experiences. Mine was my mener's disease. And in 2021, it exacerbated. And it, I truly think it was a direct result of my internal driver. I was on a fast train saying yes to everything. It was still in the midst of kind of COVID, and we were bringing things online and teaching online courses and certifications, and I was burning the candle at both ends. And it was really my internal driver, I think, that hadn't, you know, contributed was one aspect that contributed into my illness. And so another takeaway listener is if you don't have this thing in check, it can cause some, you know, I'm not gonna say you're gonna get an illness, but I did because I was trying to prove my worth to everyone but myself. And so now I can look at it through a different lens, proving my worth. I need to prove it to myself first. So that might be intentional rest. That might be saying no, because saying no sometimes is your best yes. I've had to say no this year, Lauren. You know what I've said, you know, a couple of things I said no to. And those have in fact been my best yeses. I have been blessed. Our organization, our company is growing in an influx right now. And if I would have said yes to this other bright, shiny thing instead of saying no, I'm not sure if I'd be here doing the same thing that I'd be doing with you right now, which is really my true identity and my purpose, Lauren.

SPEAKER_00 27:03

Absolutely. Yeah, so it does it does run amuck. And so the first step is to become aware of what does drive me. And sometimes you don't recognize it just right off the bat. However, when you get off the stage of life and you observe what triggers you, right, then just ask yourself the coaching question what why it matters within me is causing me to be triggered right now. Need to be understood, need to be right, liked, need to prove your worth, uh, need to knock it out of the park, uh, need to be heard, included. I have a client whose why it matters is to be included. And they get triggered every time they're left off of an email. Right. But once they realize that, hey, that's my why it matters, then they they kind of approach it with setting good expectations. Hey, in the future when I'm not included, just give me a heads up, right? And and uh we can talk through it. So she created some ground rules and and open communication as a result of that. So, you know, it's all it's all an an opportunity for all of us to create uh better systems for awareness, our behavior, and then that inf influences directly, it's the domino effect, our um ability to connect with one another, right? And so we can always control how we want to respond to situations, and that comes from awareness. How well do you know yourself, know thyself, right? The man woman follows where the mind goes, right? And so when you have more insight into the mind and clarity of focus, no, no, no, I own this. It's just me wanting to go for it, and so I went for it too much, and I I own that, and I I'm gonna rein that back, right? And so it's it's great opportunity for course correction as well. So as we close, Jen, and again, this is talking about our our main driver in life, and it is a key to better decisions and less stress, as well as purposeful leadership. What would you like to leave listeners with today?

SPEAKER_01 29:07

You know what, Lauren, as we were going through this, I I know you and I were former educators. We have our masters in education, and I'm a big worksheet person. I'm a big, you know, obviously book person. That's why I wrote the book. I am going to offer the listeners, and I sent it to you, Lauren. I have a I'd love to say I have a one-pager, but it's more than a one-pager because it's doing the hard work. My offer is, and this is what I would like to offer you to you. And Lauren, I don't know because I know you manage the podcast behind. Is there a way to link a PDF document that they could download from today's recording?

SPEAKER_00 29:46

You know, um, I can check that out. If if not, then what we can do is is uh just offer that uh someplace on your website. Okay. And we can uh give note to that in terms of where that is. Usually when I have PDFs, I have them on my website.

SPEAKER_01 30:03

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 30:03

And we can just easily do that as well. But that's great.

SPEAKER_01 30:06

That's what I want to offer to listeners. Like, do the hard work. It takes hard work, it's some intentionality. It could be painful, um, but it gives you that awareness. So thank you, Lauren. No, I don't even have anything to say. You just always weave it together so beautifully. Thank you so much for um sharing your personal stories as well. And I love how how we do this, unscripted.

SPEAKER_00 30:30

Yeah, absolutely. Maybe we should add that to the title. Unscripted ABC. Unscripted. Yep, boots on the ground. Um, so listeners, I'd like to ask you to to take a moment after this podcast because you have a lot of choices and you chose to tune in today. We're grateful you're with us, and think of one piece of information, just one thing that was said today. Uh, perhaps it was a question that was stated, uh a tip or a tool that was that was offered based on exploration that you feel will make you a lighter version of yourself moving forward, and lighter versions of ourself equal the ability to be renewable. And that's really our goal here with the ABC's for Leadership in Life podcast is to make provide content to make you renewable, meaning you can expend energy without depleting the source, and the source is being you. So we're grateful that you chose to be with us today and be the gatekeeper of what you take from this, and then put legs to it and think of one action you can take based on that one piece of information that you feel if you focus on it in the next week or two will move you in a positive direction. We are committed to your success, your inner peace, and a lighter version of who you are in this world. So thank you for being with us today, and we look forward to our next podcast together.