"The Cost of Carrying Everything Alone" | The Ryan Luelf Show (Season 1, Episode 4)

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:04

This is the Ryan Lulf show. I think men don't talk about what's going on inside, and they're told and they're taught they gotta handle everything themselves. So when that strategy stops working, life gets too heavy, what do they do? Yeah. Who do they turn to? Yeah. How do they correct something they've maybe been unaware of for a really long time? And so then I think there's an opportunity to share a story about a moment when I know in my life I've had those moments where it just got too heavy. It was just too much. I I I I was gonna cave. I had to talk to someone, I had to release it, I had to address it, you know, like I think there's just a real narrative out there that we almost look down on men who have to come forward and go, I can't do what I'm doing any longer. I can't carry all this weight.

SPEAKER_00 1:04

But I'm holding on to a secret, or I'm wouldn't you say though, most men don't get to that point, though? Which is a problem within itself.

SPEAKER_02 1:12

Now that you word it that way, I think you're right.

unknown 1:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:15

I mean, I know that and I think that's why men get so bogged down and we we we suppress and oppress so many emotions, so many thoughts, and so many feelings because we're not allowed help.

SPEAKER_02 1:30

Or or or we don't feel like we're allowed help.

SPEAKER_00 1:34

That would probably be appropriate.

SPEAKER_02 1:35

Feel we don't feel like and we see the response sometimes from our spouse, from our family, from our associates, uh from just society in general. And I think that's that's how we feel. We don't feel like we're allowed to.

SPEAKER_00 1:50

And you know what happens? So we so we so we reach out. We we have to have we have to we have to have a way to manifest those feelings. So what happens? Alcohol? Yep. Porn.

SPEAKER_01 2:03

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 2:05

Infidelity?

SPEAKER_01 2:06

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 2:07

Um drugs. Drugs. Big one. Yep. Not showing up to work. Workaholicism. Yes. Yeah. So so I think, you know, I think I think what we're saying is that maybe this theory is one of the main reasons why men struggle so much. And then and then what happens whenever a man, you know, falls onto alcohol alcoholism or or or becomes a porn addict? Well then we then we really beat him down. They're already beat down.

SPEAKER_02 2:38

Right, but we're not really beat them down. We're not identifying the reason behind why they may even be in the addiction. Correct. Which, if we first took a moment to even understand They just needed help.

SPEAKER_00 2:49

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 2:50

Or to be heard.

SPEAKER_00 2:51

Or to be seen. Understood. Or to be held. And and again, Ryan, these are all conversations that typically aren't for the male species. What you and I are discussing right now is not for the male species. It is.

SPEAKER_02 3:04

And what you're saying is we've created a we've created an earth where we've made up a story that it wasn't.

SPEAKER_00 3:10

We have to be too strong, we have to be too independent, we have to, we have to be the man of the house. Therefore, we can't have weakness, therefore we can't have branches that we hold on to. And then when they break, we get the shit beat out of us even more even more. There's no outlet, there's no rhyme or reason. I felt it. I'm I'm just I listen, before we get too deep into this podcast, I have to know how was your trip to Dallas?

SPEAKER_02 3:41

Oh, it was fantastic. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:43

We know we left the last podcast, and you were on your way to a pickleball tournament where you were gonna get to MC, and I don't know, did you get to play too? And your wife kind of headed up the whole project.

SPEAKER_02 3:52

Oh, I mean, she is the reason that this she is the project. Yeah, it was the largest team amateur pickleball tournament in the history of the universe. Twelve hundred plus players, over three hundred teams, thirty plus countries represented, um, with spectators and everything. There was probably two or three thousand people, twenty-six court venue in Dallas over five days. Uh, it was remarkable. And really, you know, obviously, when you're dealing with that many people, you're gonna expect a few challenges here and there. But overall, it was just a flawless event, and that is just a testament to Caroline, all of her preparation, the way she organizes it. Communicates. It's so, yes, it's so player-centric. Um, just the way she is emotionally regulated, the way she handles, you know, people getting upset or things happening or technology going down for a second here and there. Um yeah, it was a fun, fun, fun, fun, fun event. I played in two divisions. How'd you do? Um, I did well. I'm I'm I'm pleased with my play. Do we have any gold? No. No gold. The competition is stiff. Um in the one 3v3 division, I played with a couple of gentlemen. We um we only lost to the gold and silver team.

SPEAKER_00 5:14

Okay but we So your border, you're your borderline bronze.

SPEAKER_02 5:18

Yeah, but we were in the same pool as them, unfortunately, so we didn't even make it to bracket play. Okay. It just happened to be that the two teams that got first and second were in our pool. Um, but we were right there. You know, we're we we one game we lost 26-24. You know, the competition was just phenomenal.

SPEAKER_00 5:33

That was so fun.

SPEAKER_02 5:34

And most of the players, honestly, were sub-30. I'm 45. So if I'm out there holding my own against 25-year-olds, you know, uh, I'll take it any day. And then my uh my regular team, uh, two men, two women, three people from St. Louis, uh, we just met a few weeks ago. We uh we did well in pool play the first day. We won two out of three. Um, but unfortunately in the first round of bracket, uh round of 32, came up short. Uh again, played really well, lost to a fantastic team. Games were close. 21-19, 24-22, 21-19. You know, we're right there. A couple rallies go a little bit different. So competitive. Oh, extremely. But that freed me up. So I did all the commentating for the gold medal matches on Thursday for the 50 plus divisions, then on Friday for the 3v3, and then on Sunday for all the open divisions, and got some really, really nice feedback. A lot of people thought I did it for a living. So that's a compliment. Yeah, and um, the only time I really ever do commentating is at nationals. The last this is three years in a row now I've done it. So it was fun. Pickleball's just, man, it's just a thing now. It's a vibe. It's a lifestyle, it is a vibe, it's a lifestyle. People make friends, it's social. Uh, I think it brings out the kid in all of us. And um, yeah, but it's interesting. 99.9% of all of it is good sportsmanship, great camaraderie, uh, people just tons of love, joy, happiness. And then that small percentage shows up where someone's probably got a lot of the wounds that we talk about here on the podcast, and one showed up in some line calling, and um, it actually caused a guy to get so upset after the match that he actually put his hands on another gentleman.

SPEAKER_00 7:26

And so we call those people cheeseburgers on the offside page. Um, but that's a whole nother subject. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_02 7:33

Anyway, he had to be kindly removed uh from the venue. Um, and and even people said the way Caroline and her staff and her team handled that was just with the utmost professionalism, emotional intelligence. And um, yeah, you know, it it thankfully didn't turn into anything crazy and didn't have to be a big scene. Um, and I get it, you know, there was money on the line. There was several thousand dollars, you know, available for those teams that uh finished in the top three. And um I think a lot of times we look to sports um unconsciously as a place to be validated, yeah, um, as a place to be uh shown that, you know, what we do matters, that our life matters, that we have some significance. You know, I think a big thing for human beings is we want to be witnessed. We want someone to acknowledge that we were here, that we lived that we achieved something. Yeah. Yeah. Job well done. And so not that there's anything inherently wrong with that, but I think at times it can get the best of us and it shows up in inappropriate ways. And we all have had those moments, by the way. I know I have.

SPEAKER_00 8:42

You know, I I I'm gonna admit this, and I don't know, I might be the only guy out here that that admits something like this, but I'd be interested in hearing your take. And by the way, before I get onto this, I wanna I want to remind you, I'd like for you to read the Facebook post that you posted about uh Caroline and her job this weekend in Dallas. Absolutely. Uh before the before the end of this podcast. But what I was gonna say, it was real honestly, it was very well written, and and you could just when I read it, I could tell how proud you were. So I was proud of you for doing that. So let me take it back for a second. I am into sports and I'm into doing good things because I still at 50, okay, I still need the validation of my family. I still need them to say, hey, job well done. I still look for my mom's approval. And it's so it's funny that you mentioned sports, and it's funny that that that you mentioned that you think it's a form for us to be validated. I I was all I always excelled as a kid in sports, also flying my own airplane at a very young age. I could fly my own airplane before I could drive by myself, before I could drive a car by myself. Wow. Um, but but I think what drove me looking back at the, you know, I have periods of times where I think back of how I was formed and my thought processes and how they were formed. But I think what drove me to to fly and to be a pilot was it was a it was a constant adoration from my family. Like I was going to be a success because I could fly my own airplane before I could drive. Right. But even at 50, I'm still, I still need my family's approval, and I'm still looking for validation in sports. I I did the I did the Division II women's national championship as an official, had the whistle um three or four weeks ago, and I looked in the crowd, and no one from my family, my my daughter's a flight attendant, my son's a referee, he's in another state, um, and my mom's in a different state. It's like it's like I'm in, I'm doing the national anthem and I'm looking in the crowd, and my mom and none of my family are there. And I was like, I wanted to share that moment with them. Why? Why at 50? That seemed that seemed so not inappropriate, but do I really need that at 50?

SPEAKER_02 11:01

Well, I think what it speaks to, um, and I think this is probably a story that almost every one of us on the planet can relate to. More than likely, that is a younger version of yourself that's actually looking for their mom in the crowd. So I would argue, from my point of view, the work that I do is maybe that was 10-year-old Brian who had looked into the crowd when you were 10, and it no fault of your parents, maybe they weren't able to give you the approval, the adoration, the praise that a 10-year-old really does need in that moment of development. Um, and so maybe what happens is as we get older, there are still versions of ourselves that are looking for something that they didn't get at the moment that it would have been ideal for them to get it. Because I think as I've identified that and as I've been able to realize that there isn't anything inherently wrong with you still looking for it at 50, other than the fact that I think your mature version of who you are at this point in your life probably can get to a place that you don't necessarily need that. And I think simultaneously you can honor the younger version of you that may. And so maybe 50-year-old Brian speaks to 10-year-old Brian and says, Hey, listen, man, I see you, I hear you. Um, your parents did the absolute best that they could do. You were looking for something that you needed at age 10. It wasn't provided. I'm gonna provide it for you right now in this moment, and we're gonna make peace with that. And then from this point on, we're gonna live more from the place of I already am validated. I already am the whole version of myself. And that's what I believe allows us to level up and to really take our human experience to a completely different level. So we essentially transcend something that happened to us earlier that wasn't ideal, but we also go back and include it by naming it, speaking to it as I just suggested, making peace with it, and then saying now it's time to transcend that. And you let it go. You let it go.

SPEAKER_00 13:40

Why why why do you think I'm searching for that at 50 though? Well, I think because I I feel validated, like I feel independent, but then there's that moment where I'm looking out in the crowd and my my kids aren't there, my mom's not there, my dad's deceased, my grandparents are deceased, my entire foundation and family background are are either in a different state or gone, dead. Like, why? Like, why do I feel the need to need that still at 50? What happened in my childhood, Ryan? What happened in my childhood?

SPEAKER_02 14:13

Well, I I just think it always comes back to that is the that is the identity of the human that believes the story that if they're not validated, that somehow signifies they're not included. Or important. Or important. Or doing good, or their life doesn't matter, or no one's witnessing to it's kind of like this. If a tree falls down in the forest and no one is there to witness it, did the tree actually fall? Did a noise actually occur? And I think unconsciously, we're all asking the same question as a human. If nobody saw me live my life, if nobody saw me do anything of value, if no one saw me achieve certain things in my time here on planet Earth, maybe unconsciously we're asking ourselves, well, did it really count? Did it actually matter? So I feel like a big reason why we desire to be in relationships, why we look for family members in the crowd, it's because we want to be witnessed. We want someone else to be able to say, yes, Brian Barlow. Absolutely, man. What a great ref. Yes, what a great job. Phenomenal. He's reached levels and peaks in his career that not very many people have ever done before.

SPEAKER_00 15:55

So proud of you. Absolutely. That's what I was looking for.

SPEAKER_02 15:58

For sure. And is there anything inherently wrong with that? Absolutely not.

SPEAKER_00 16:03

But I'm 50.

SPEAKER_02 16:05

And I've found that what we can do, Brian, is we can do that for ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 16:10

I need to learn this technique because you know, the theme of the today's show is obviously men who, you know, are trying to do everything with no help, um, kind of out there on their own, being isolated, be being by themselves. Can they overcome those circumstances? And for somebody who is as social as I am and who is as achieved as I am, I still I do feel as though I am alone in many of those instances. So it's, you know, it's just, it's, it's, it's, I'm curious, I'm curious to understand for someone that's so strong and has such a personality like many of our men that are watching this podcast, um and yet to still feel the need to be so validated just seems so unnatural.

SPEAKER_02 16:58

Yeah, well, maybe in your case, we could just do a little deep dive here for a second. Any idea at what age you might have first started feeling like you had to carry the weight of the world, that you were alone, that you weren't feeling seen or heard, or maybe there was something about you that you couldn't discuss with your parents, or you felt embarrassed for anyone in your peer group to discover, find out. How old do you think maybe you were when those feelings of potentially being alone started to rise up in you?

SPEAKER_00 17:28

Any idea? Yeah. Um, I I was right be and I was a late bloomer from a puberty standpoint, but I would say the year or two before puberty really started. Okay. And I so I so probably 14, 15 for me.

SPEAKER_02 17:40

14, 15. Yeah. All right. And what did that feel like in your body? Do you have any memories of what was kind of transpiring f physiologically from that feeling of I'm alone? And how did you handle it at that age?

SPEAKER_00 17:54

It wasn't necessarily that I'm alone. It was more of I'm going to have to be somebody that I naturally instinctively don't feel like I'm going to, I'm supposed to be. And um, so I think it was more along the lines of that. And I think it was also I have the pressure and the responsibility to be a success in this family.

SPEAKER_02 18:13

And where was that coming from? Was that a dynamic that was being, you know, delivered through the messaging of your father, your parents? Was that uh a cultural thing? Was it a religious belief? Like, why do you think that feeling and expectations of performance was so strong in your home environment?

SPEAKER_00 18:31

It wasn't just the home environment, but the whole infrastructure of my family, which again was embraced by love. I was I was loved so much and uh so supported. Um, but there was some sense where I felt like if I wasn't a success, or in the form and version of going to college, getting a you know, real job, um, that's labeled as a successful human being professional. Um, if I wasn't getting married, if I didn't get the house, didn't start a family, then maybe I felt like that love was conditional. And I think that's where, I think that's where, and again, I don't want to put my family in a bad light in the sense of I I've always felt loved, but I also did feel like some of that was conditional based on they all knew I was a unique talent. They all knew I had a big, bold, you know, zesty personality. Yeah. So, you know.

SPEAKER_02 19:29

So give me an example. Like, what was something that you felt you had to do to be successful and to essentially feel the love, the praise? Perform. Okay, and and and and when you say perform though, like did they did you feel very strongly that you didn't really have too many options? You had to go to college? Oh, absolutely. And is that an example of something that maybe you didn't really want to do? Maybe you had some entrepreneurial ideas, maybe you had a little bit of creativity flowing through you, maybe you saw a different path or a different way for achieving your dreams, your goals career-wise. And what did you feel like was going to be the response if you didn't choose the path that you felt your family wanted you to choose?

SPEAKER_00 20:17

So I have never been able to let this scenario go. Okay. So let me give it to you. My grandfather flew um worked for American Airlines. One of his best friends was a gentleman named Jim Gunn, who was vice president of American Eagle. And, you know, being a pilot and being with my grand grandparents, I always got to fly anytime I was over there and with different people from around the airport. They lived in an airport community where everyone has their own airplanes in the backyard and you take off in your backyard. It's very cool, very unique environment to get to grow up in. So cool. And so um so I'm flying with Jim Gunn and my grandfather in Jim uh Jim's airplane uh one weekend, and Jim told me to take the the you know the yoke, and I did, and so I flew around, they told me to do a series of turns and this, that, and the other, keep altitude and heading and all that kind of stuff. And so I did, and you know, I must have I could have been probably 15 years old, 14. And we get back on the ground, and Jim Gunn tells my grandfather, you make sure that he goes to Emory Riddle Aeronautical University, and when he graduates, I'll take him from there. So fast forward, it's time for me to go to college. I've got plenty of flying experience under my belt. And my father tells my grandfather that I'm not gonna go to Emory Riddle because he can't afford it. And my grandfather says, and I remember this conversation, they were on the phone in the dining room table. Uh my grandfather says, Bobby, you you're gonna have to send him, and if you need help, I'll help you. Um, but he's he's gotta go to Emery Riddle. And um, my dad said, This is my son, it's not your responsibility, and I can't afford it, and so he's not going. So I didn't go to Emery Riddle. I did go to college and I still flew, but I did switch my major because it was super expensive, and I switched my major. To broadcast journalism. And to this day, I would I well, I can tell you, I would probably be a left seat captain in a 777, banking about $400,000 a year and living the most stress-free life you could ever imagine. Now, I also I say that as I've I've had I've lived a very privileged life. The course that my life took was not a bad turn by any stretch of the means. Um but um a lot more stress than I probably needed to. But I think it was that at that moment that I realized that um I wasn't going to get to be the truest version of myself, which is I am happiest, I am more at peace, I am most confident um when I'm left seat at 33,000 feet. So my life took a dramatic turn during that conversation at 18.

SPEAKER_02 22:56

Yeah, and I think those moments happen in all of our lives. Um and that's where these different categories start to show up. I mean, what did that tell you about money? You know, how much of your life have you unconsciously had that story of lack showing up? Because we live in a world of abundance, and yet in that moment, that didn't feel like a world of abundance because your father had a belief and a story that there really wasn't a way for there to be an abundant amount of money to afford to be able to send you to that. We don't know what other stories he may have had in his head or all the other reasoning behind it. He was also not in a place he had too much pride, it sounds like he could not receive any assistance or financial help from his father, your grandfather. And it was something that he obviously felt inside at a very deep level. And he must have had the narrative that if I can't do it, then Brian's not gone. Correct. And it'd be fascinating, you know, if he was here today. Again, all of these stories, they shape our human experience.

SPEAKER_00 24:12

They that that that story shaped my entire life.

SPEAKER_01 24:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:15

Well, I've had an abundance of money, uh, and I say abundance, I've done well. Um, I've had to grind and stress and work and travel, and like I I've lost a marriage over portions of what I just described. Whereas if I'm the left seat of a 777 flying over the Atlantic, mid-Atlantic, you know, three or four times a month, there's no stress with that. I know it looks stressful.

SPEAKER_02 24:43

So you think anyway.

SPEAKER_00 24:44

Well, I know it looks stressful to passengers.

SPEAKER_02 24:46

Oh my God, all the buttons, but it's not. Well, my my point is I feel like so often when we look at our life in reversed, uh, reversed. Reverse, we we have to remember one thing. We tend to gain our most wisdom from reflection, but that's not how you live your life. You have to live life moving and going forward. We tend to learn the most by looking in reverse. Yeah, progression, not reflection. That's how you live life. Absolutely. And I think too often we live under the assumption that if this had gone a little different, if your father had been able to afford it, if your father had allowed your grandfather to assist you, if you had become a pilot, well, for one, you and I wouldn't be sitting here today. And we've been talking about the flow, the chemistry, uh, just the organic aspect of these episodes, how much the content is meaningful to both you and I and all of those that are giving us feedback, the listeners. And I just think to myself, what if we just made peace with it all? Because, and I'm not saying that you're not, but my suggestion is that too often. I'm not saying that I am either. Right. Too often we have the assumption that if this one moment or this one thing or these few decisions had went differently, we live in the assumption that we believe life would have been maybe better or less stressful, or we would be further along financially, or perhaps you wouldn't have gone through a divorce, right? I really truly believe, though, the only thing that is fair is to also have to acknowledge the assumption that it could have been the other way. You could have had more stress. That's fair. You could have had a plane crash and not even lived this long. You could be on your third marriage for all you know. Perspective. Um, I guess what I'm saying is we truly don't know. We we make a reality based on the stories that we tend to cling to the most and the ones that we determine are most true for us. And if we don't have these moments of awareness to simply acknowledge that it's nothing more than a made-up story that we'll never know how it would have unfolded. And we have to come to terms with that. We could be setting ourselves up for levels of dissatisfaction that are absolutely unnecessary. Because what it does is it takes us out of our present moment of being present with what is. Because we tend to live in this container, our mind, and we like to believe that our thoughts and our perceptions of something is real. But they're not. And usually, if we're thinking, well, if this had gone different, then my life would be better. What is that really saying? That's saying that there is a current disconnection between me and my current reality and the right nowness of this moment and what my life actually is. Which takes away from now. Absolutely. I mean, I I saw this in my own personal life. One of my biggest revelations, I'd say, in the last probably two years, was living in a chronic state or mindset where I basically was always thinking and wishing that my life was anything other than what it currently actually was. That is called living in chronic, chronic anxiety, chronic stress. And that is basically a human being who may be here as far as like their body, yeah, but they're not here spiritually. They're not here with their presence. Yeah. Which, if you really step back and think about the true essence of who we are, we're energy, we're the awareness, we're the consciousness. We can't be our body because our body is impermanent. We can't be Ryan or Brian or Caucasian or American or Male or father or son because all of those are labels. Those are all roles. And although they are real in the sense of the time we're here on planet Earth, they're not timeless, they're not limitless, they're not boundless. Our essence is that. That's what we have to awaken to, that's what we have to remember. We get so lost in human drama, we get so misidentified with thinking we are a pickleball player, we are a business owner, we are divorced, we are a father of three kids, we are a younger brother. Like, yeah, I get it, right? Like, we identify with that because those are the roles in the movie, those are the roles in the game, those are the avatars that we play. But that's not the real us. And so we make up these stories and we tell ourselves, well, my experience would have been better. How do you know? What is better anyway, by the way? Who makes up better? Everything is relative. Like if you didn't have the life you've lived currently, you wouldn't even be able to have anything to reference the idea that if your father had sent you to that, was that a university? Yeah, Emory Riddle. Emory Riddle University, well, then that would have sent you down a completely different trajectory. You would have played a different role. Instead of being in broadcast journalism, you would have been a pilot. If you didn't have this life that you've lived, divorced, broadcasting, being a ref, the children that you have, how would you have anything to even relate to the idea that another version of you on planet Earth would have played out better? And what does that even mean? And isn't that constantly reinforcing the idea that you're not at ease with what your current and existing life has been and still is, and could be, and could be, and can be, and will be. It's almost as if like you're still living from a place of I'm a victim of life.

SPEAKER_00 31:42

So good.

SPEAKER_02 31:43

Instead of realizing that I am the essence of life itself, experiencing it through Brian Barlow's body.

SPEAKER_00 31:56

And as it's as much advancement as I as I've made, you're right. I am a victim of that moment that I just described. Still, 30 some odd years later, I'm a victim of that moment.

SPEAKER_02 32:12

I heard a great quote just yesterday, and it really stuck with me, and it and it just fits this moment in this podcast so well. We're only a victim once. After that, we're a volunteer.

SPEAKER_00 32:26

I'm voluntary and I'm giving my life up. I'm giving my mental fortitude up to that moment. I'm volunteer, I'm volunteering my own emotional stability because of something that happened 32 years ago.

SPEAKER_02 32:40

And we have compassion for it and we understand why that can happen. And I get it. Our conditioning, our training, our programming makes us think in our minds that there is a certain life we're supposed to live. And there are certain certain mile markers we're supposed to be checking off along the way. You know, like you said earlier, uh, I'm supposed to go to college, I'm supposed to go to this kind of college, I'm supposed to be a pilot, I'm supposed to be this kind of pilot, I'm supposed to have this level of stress, I'm supposed to be married, I'm not supposed to get divorced, I'm supposed to make this amount of money, I'm supposed to be at this place at this age. Here's the timeline, here's the time frames, here's how it's supposed to go. And go do it. And go do it. And then inevitably, life itself unfolds and happens in some form or capacity differently than the story that we're handed, than the conditioning and programming that I think is also tied, not at not maybe intentionally, but it's tied to us feeling loved and accepted, to us feeling seen, heard, held, supported. Because we believe there is this right way that we're supposed to live out this human experience. And the feeling of getting it wrong and disappointing those that we love and care about, our moms, our dads, our grandparents, our peers, our siblings, it's a devastating feeling. And it can make us feel like we're alone. And we can carry this weight of expectation that somehow, and what if it boils down to in your case, it sounds like the life that had been laid out for you, you actually were really interested in. You, in fact, I almost get the vibe that maybe you almost wish the one that had been laid out for you was the one that you would have lived. But how many people, as children, are in environments where their parents, their grandparents, and their family is laying out a life and it's not the one that they are curious about? It's not the one that interests them, it's not the one that lights them up. And yet, how many people, how many men especially have given up on what they really want, all in the name of the story that they're trying to uphold, because if they don't, they'll be called weak. They'll be excluded, they'll be making people feel disappointment, and they might feel responsible for that.

SPEAKER_00 35:38

Okay, hold on, I'm having a breakthrough moment. I think I'm searching for validation still from my mom, my family, my kids even. Because I didn't turn out to be the captain of the 777 on American Airlines flying across the mid-Atlantic.

SPEAKER_02 36:00

Which is what you thought they wanted from you.

SPEAKER_00 36:05

And so when I have those moments, I am searching for, hey, but I did this.

SPEAKER_02 36:15

That makes so much sense.

SPEAKER_00 36:19

And I need to let go of that. I am 52 years old. And I am a victim and volunteering to still let that be a significant part of my life. And in my progression to find Barlow 2.0, that scene that I just described to you 15 minutes ago has to be eliminated from my mind. Because it does make me feel like I do everything alone, especially since the divorce. And there's no one there to say, hey, job well done. We're proud of you. And I don't think I don't think anyone prepares us for that as we get older. No one prepares us for losing our family to death. No one prepares us for you're no longer the children, you're the father. No one prepares us for the responsibility, not just from a professional, but from a spiritual, from a financial, from a physiological, from a mental. We're responsible. No one tells us when that transition is. And quite frankly, I still think like I'm a teenage boy. But I have to act like a 52 52-year-old man.

SPEAKER_02 37:38

Yeah, it's almost as if you've been living from a place of I don't know if I'm good enough because my family made me, whether it was consciously or unconsciously, made me believe that good enough was sitting in the left seat of a 777 as a pilot crushing that career. And that didn't happen. And how have you compensated to try to make up for what you perceived as you being a disappointment because you weren't playing the role that they had been believing you were going to play your entire childhood as you became an adult? And what has that felt like in your body? Where do you believe, where, where, where, where in your body do you feel like that you you would say that that energy shows up? Is that in your shoulders? Is that in your chest? Um, and and how does it feel in the absence of knowing that that's an illusion, that that was a made-up thing? What if you knew right now that your parents simply love you and approve of you, period, just for your sheer existence, and that they are no more or less proud of who you are based on anything you're doing? What if you woke up every single day no longer letting the idea of trying to make them proud have any say-so in how you spent your time? What if you just did what you loved to do because it lights you up, period?

SPEAKER_00 39:28

And I'm getting there. This podcast, owning a podcast studio, giving people a channel, a channel of voice, content.

SPEAKER_02 39:42

So in a in a weird way, the moment that changed your life created this moment 32 years later for something that seems to really light you up, and yet you were supposed to be destined to be a pilot. Right.

SPEAKER_00 40:00

And it did it did allow me to be the father that I might have wished I had, although I love my father, late father. But I did write Zoe a message several weeks ago, she became flight attendant at 20 years of age. And I wrote this post on Facebook, basically, you know, I try not to pit my my personal life too much on social media, it's just not my thing, but so proud of her. I want everyone to let her know, and I wanted her to know. Yeah. And I said, hey, we're now into the fourth arm of a generation of aviators. My beautiful daughter, Zoe, is now a flight attendant at 20 years of age. And I just want to let everybody know how super proud of her, uh proud of her I am, not because she's an aviator, not because she's a flight attendant, not because she's a fourth generation in this family aviator, but because she's getting to do something that she's extremely happy doing. It wasn't that she was a flight attendant or in the aviation industry. I'm I'm so proud of her because she's doing something that makes her happy. So maybe that's maybe that that moment eight, you know, 32 years ago brought me to that. I don't know. I don't know. I do know I'm gonna I'm I'm listening to what you're saying. I'm gonna take heed. I'm going to, I'm gonna let that go. I'm gonna stop being a victim and a volunteer, and I'm gonna I've got to come to terms and and and to grip with the fact that if I'm going to be Barlow 2.0, which 2026 is my year, I know everyone's saying that right now. I know that's trendy, I know that's cliche, but I have been working for 18 months to make sure that once I hit 53, which will be next year, that it will be the best chapter of my life. And I've had some really fucking good chapters.

SPEAKER_02 42:00

Well, I just want to say this, Brian. I I think your openness, your willingness to take in new ideas, a new perspective, and to challenge yourself where perhaps you have been blind uh to your own psychological and intellectual prison, if you will. Uh is is it's impressive. Um I I I don't want to downplay you know a comment you made on an earlier episode, and I would love to revisit that with you um here on a future episode because I I have to tell you, you you dropped a bomb and you said something that I felt um deserved more attention and more time. Let's tease it kind of. Let's tease it for the next podcast. Well, we were we were kind of wrapping up that episode. Yeah, and obviously I had no idea you were about to say it.

SPEAKER_00 42:55

I didn't know I was gonna Brian, I didn't know I was gonna say that.

SPEAKER_02 42:59

Yeah, well, I think those are the moments that uh that make the Ryan Lelph show what I've always wanted the Ryan Lelf show to be. It's it's real, it's raw, it's unfiltered, it's really is we're not scripting this out. Sure, we have some ideas on what we want to discuss and what we're gonna talk about. And of course, um, you know, I'm starting to receive messages and and people are starting to reach out, whether it's a guy who, you know, isn't sure where does he find that safe place? Where is that outlet? You know, he he's found out uh I'm I'm I've created a private group, and you know, I'm really calling for men who are basically saying I've got to be able to have self expression without judgment. I've got to be able to go into the secrets, the dark places, the stuff that I've been burying and holding on to for a really long time. In my case, you know, I I just discovered uh in Ecuador that I had been holding on to five years of bullying as a teenager that I had never fully processed. I didn't realize how heavy that is. You know, you bringing up the fact that you have uh interest in being bisexual. Um these are scary topics, right? I know there's a lot of men out there who don't resonate with their religious upbringing any longer and they want to lead their spouse and their kids into new spiritual terrain, but they feel like they're gonna get hammered maybe from their father or their grandparents, or they're not gonna be accepted at the next, you know, Thanksgiving holiday or Christmas or whatever it may be or Easter because, well, what are they gonna be known as if they no longer subscribe to the same Christian belief system possibly that they were built in or that they were raised in? These things are tangible, they're real. What about the guy that feels alone that he's he he he he wants something different in his sex life with his spouse and he doesn't know how to connect with her, he doesn't know what to say, or maybe he feels like every time he speaks up, she just blames it all on him. How does he bring it up? How does he express his needs? What does it look like for a dad who maybe thought that he was gonna have kids who loved sports like he does, and now he finds himself with kids who don't even like sports. Maybe they're in band instead. Ballet or ballet. Yeah, or maybe one of his kids is a homosexual and he's not sure how they're supposed to navigate this. This is real fucking shit.

SPEAKER_00 45:51

Well, and listen every day's in everyday life of real humans that don't have and listen, men do not have an outlet to have an open discussion about many of the topics that you just brought up. Absolutely not. And and and and certainly even for me, being the age that I am and and and and the conversations that we're having live on this podcast make me a little uncomfortable, and it shouldn't. It should not. We live in a society where we are programmed and labeled to think that we have to have a tag, um uh uh some kind of you know um some kind of like label to you're a bad person if you think this way, or you're a freak or a weirdo if you do these things. And I just don't think that we're I don't think we're in a place where that has to be that way anymore. Oh hey, it's me again, Barlow. So I want to let you know that what Ryan Lelf is coaching, it's super real. Not programmed, not premeditated, and not inspired by anything other than raw truths and an unconditional love formatted by source. You. Ryan's testimony is real. His life experience is indicative of a program he designed to not only transform one's self-identity and purpose, but to give a new outlook of what real, unprogrammed life could be and at its highest, most enjoyable frequency once the preconditioned societal norms have been dismantled, erased. His work is raw, real, and life-altering. If you want more of this content, we have two places that you can go. You can join Ryan Leff's school, S-K-O-O-L, for raw, unedited versions of his podcast and him personally, or you can book a free simple clarity call for men needing to be heard, needing to be understood, or just given hope, someone to listen, to say that life is as real as your conscious allows. Those calls are designed to help you gain clarity. They're called clarity calls, and they're free. We hope that uh you allow us to help you, and then if we can help you, then you can let you. Pretty simple.