Do Boundaries Count for Everyone?

She made a homemade lasagna. She cleaned the whole house. And then nobody showed up — no call, no apology, just a last-minute text saying she went somewhere else. Oh, and she tried to take the mutual friend with her. This week Anita answers the question that comes up in every family eventually: do boundaries actually apply to the people who are supposed to love you most?
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Transcript

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Welcome to Ask Anita. I'm Anita and let's get into it. The questions on this show come from real people in real situations. Friends, family, community members, and listeners who submit through the link in the show notes. It doesn't matter how they reach me, the names are always protected, the questions are always real. If something's been sitting on your mind, that link is in the show notes. Today's question comes from someone I'm calling Do Boundaries Count for Everyone? And I want to tell you right now, by the time I finish reading this, you're gonna know someone exactly like the person in the story. Maybe you've been sitting across the table from her for years. Here's the question. Anita, I need some advice about my sister-in-law. She was back in town visiting and called on a Wednesday to say she wanted to come over on Friday. I said sure and mentioned that a mutual friend of ours would be there. She hesitated and said maybe she wouldn't come then. I told her it was fine, come anyway, and we left it at that. Friday morning I got up and made a homemade lasagna and dessert, got the house cleaned because that's just what I do. Three o'clock came and went and nobody called and nobody showed up. I finally called her and got no answer. An hour and a half later, she calls me back and said she wasn't coming. She was going to a barbecue at a friend's house instead. No apology, no heads up, just I changed my mind. I told her it was fine. I didn't know what else to say. But then our mutual friend showed up for dinner and mentioned the barbecue and told me she had tried to talk him into going to the barbecue instead of coming to my house. She didn't just cancel on me. She tried to take him with her. This has been a pattern for years and I've never said anything. My husband is conflict avoidant and I don't want to cause problems in the family, but I am done. Do boundaries even count when it comes to family? Do boundaries count for everyone? Yes, they do. And I'm gonna come back to that. But first I want to talk about what actually happened here because there are two separate things in the story, and I don't want you to miss the second one. The first thing is that she canceled last minute after you spent the whole morning cooking and cleaning. That's inconsiderate, that's hurtful, but people have bad days and make thoughtless choices. That alone I could almost let go. The second thing, she tried to take him with her. She picked up the phone and tried to recruit someone to cancel on you too. That is not thoughtless, that is intentional. And that is the thing that changes this entire conversation. You mentioned that your husband is conflict avoidant and you don't want to cause problems in the family. I hear that. But I want to gently point something out. The problem already exists. You didn't create it, she did. And conflict avoidance does not mean conflict immune. It just means he's been hoping it goes away on its own. It is not going away on its own. So before anyone has any conversation with the sister-in-law, you and your husband need to sit down first because this is his sister, which means this has to come from both of you, not just you, both of you. You need to be on the same page before you walk into that room. If he's not standing next to you on this, she will use that gap against you. People who operate this way are very good at finding gaps. When you do sit down with her, and I think you should, go in with one goal: not to hear her side, not to debate what happened, not to ask questions you already know the answers to. You go in to say, this is what I experienced. This is what is no longer acceptable. And then you stop because here's what I know about people who create drama and bend the truth. If you give them a floor, they're going to fill it. They will reframe and redirect and have you questioning your own memory before you make it to the second sentence. So you don't open a debate. You make a statement, you say what happened, you say what changes, and you let it land. You also mentioned she's been floating the idea of coming for the holidays, and I want to address that directly. Your holiday time, your family time belongs to your kids and your grandkids and the people who have shown up for you. This is not up for debate. You can say, I'm going to be with my family that day. Come the day after and we'll sit down and talk. That is not cruel. That is not patty. That is a woman who has decided that her home and her table are not a free-for-all. You get to decide who sits at it and when. Now, your actual question, do boundaries count for everyone? The answer is yes. And if anything, they matter more with family, because family is a relationship where people are most likely to assume they have a pass, where years of history get used as a reason to keep absorbing bad behavior, where you keep telling yourself it's fine because the alternative feels too hard. But here's the truth: people treat you how you allow them to treat you. And if this has been going on for years and nothing has been said, then as far as she knows, it's working just fine. It is not fine, but she doesn't know that yet. And now it's time to tell her. If she hears you, respects it, and things change, wonderful. Family is complicated and people can surprise you. If she doesn't, that's information too. And then you and your husband decide together what role she plays going forward. Not cut out necessarily, just contain, because you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. The lasagna got eaten, the dessert got eaten, the house was clean, and the people sitting at the table were exactly the ones who deserved to be there. Sometimes that's the whole answer. And remember, be honest, be kind, and when you look in that mirror tonight, make sure you like who's looking back at you. I'll see you Tuesday.