Biting My Tongue Until It Bleeds

She raised her kids. She figured it out. She survived it. And now she watches her daughter complain about exhaustion while sleeping in — and bites her tongue so hard she can taste it. She said something once. It did not go well. This week Anita answers the question every mother of adult children is asking: when is it okay to say something — and when do you just let them figure it out the hard way?
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Transcript

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Welcome to Ask Anita. I'm Anita. Let's get into it. The questions on this show come from real people in real situations, friends, family, and community members, and listeners who submit through the show notes. It doesn't matter how they reach me, the names are always protected, the questions are always real. If something has been sitting on your mind, that link is in the show notes. Today's question comes from someone I'm calling Biting My Tongue Until It Bleeds. And I just wanted to say I felt that name. I felt it deeply. Because if you are a mother of adult children, you already know exactly what this episode is about and you have lived every single word of it. Here's the question. Anita, I am a mother of adult children and I'm constantly trying to figure out when to say something and when to keep my mouth shut. My daughter has young children at home and she tells me regularly how exhausted she is and how hard it is. And I love her, I really do. But I also raised her along with her siblings, and I did it without half the help and resources that she has. When I visit, I'm up with the grandkids, her husband is up with the grandkids, and she sleeps in because she stayed up on her phone. One time I finally said something. I asked if she had ever thought about sleeping when the kids sleep, and it did not go over well. Now, I just sit here and smile and hold every thought I have inside my head. My question is, when is it okay to say something and when do I just let them figure it out the hard way? Well, biting my tongue until it bleeds. First of all, I want you to know that every mother of adult children listening right now just nodded so hard they pulled something. Because this is a situation nobody prepares you for. You spend 20 plus years raising these humans. You figure it out, you survive it, and then they grow up and have their own children, and suddenly you're supposed to stand there quietly like you have no idea what any of this looks like. Meanwhile, you're doing the math in your head and the math is not flattering. Here's the hard truth about parenting adult children. The moment they become adults, your job description changed. You're no longer the manager, you are the consultant. And here is the thing about being a consultant. Nobody calls you in unless they want your opinion. If she is venting about being exhausted, she's not asking you to fix it. She's asking you to listen. I know that is frustrating. I know you can see exactly what is happening and exactly what would help. But unsolicited advice from a mother lands differently than unsolicited advice from anyone else. It doesn't matter how right you are, it matters how it lands. And it almost never lands the way you intend it to. Now, the sleep comment, have you ever thought about sleeping when the kids sleep? Look, you were not wrong. That is genuinely good advice. Generations of mothers live by it. But here's what she heard. She heard you say, you are doing this to yourself. And whether that is true or not does not matter in that moment because nobody who is exhausted and overwhelmed wants to hear that the solution was in their hands the whole time. She wanted to feel understood. She got a suggestion. Those are two different things and they went two different directions. I say that not to make you feel bad about it. I say that because understanding why it didn't land helps you figure out what to do differently. So when is it okay to say something? Here is my honest answer. You say something when there is a real problem, not a style difference. When a child's safety is involved, when you are being asked directly for your opinion, when something is happening that genuinely cannot be ignored. Exhaustion from staying up on a phone, that's a style difference. That is her figuring out the hard way what works and what doesn't. And here's the thing about figuring it out the hard way. She will. They all do. You did. The hard way is actually how most of the best lessons get learned, and there is almost nothing you can say that will shortcut that process for her. Here's what I want you to consider. The greatest gift you can give your daughter right now is not your advice. It is your presence without a grade attached to it. You already get up with the grandkids, you're already showing up, that is not nothing, that is everything. And if there's ever a moment where she looks at you and says, How did you do it? That is your invitation. That is when you talk. Until then, you love her, you show up, and you let her find her way, just like you did. To answer your question directly, when do you say something and when do you let them figure it out the hard way? The answer is almost always let them figure it out. Not because your experience doesn't matter, it does. Not because you don't know what you're talking about, you absolutely do, but because she is going to trust what she learns through her own experience far more than anything you could ever tell her. That is just the way it works. You know this, you lived it too. In the meantime, keep getting up with those grandkids. Keep showing up. And when you need to let something go unsaid, let it go. Your relationship with her is worth more than being bright. And someday, maybe when her own kids are grown and she's sitting across from them doing the exact same math you're doing right now, she'll get it. They always do. And that moment is gonna be worth every word you held back. And remember, be honest, be kind, and when you look in that mirror, make sure you like who's looking back at you. I'll see you Tuesday.