SPEAKER_03 0:09

The Coaching for Life Podcast with Monty Williams and Will Davis.

SPEAKER_00 0:17

Welcome back to the Coaching for Life Podcast with My Williams and Will Davis, a conversation that we pray encourages you to pursue the Christ-centered life. And it's always a great blessing to be with my good friend and co-host, Monty Williams. And today, Monty, we're going to talk about what to do and how to respond when we face the critics in life. And criticism is not always a fun thing to hear, but if it's healthy and if it's constructive, it can really help us grow and mature in our faith and as leaders. And the example from Scripture that we first want to look at of someone who faced quite a bit of criticism was Moses.

SPEAKER_01 1:01

Trevor Burrus, Jr. Moses. Yeah, he's somebody that we've all read about just from a cursory reading of the scriptures. As you dive into his life, it's amazing how, as I studied getting ready for this, how much more I learned about him. And in this particular case in Exodus five, I learned something that I didn't see before in terms of dealing with the critics or dealing with opposition. It's in Exodus 5 where God says the great statement to Pharaoh, through Moses, let my people go. And in Exodus 5, 19, Pharaoh replies with harder and more restrictions on the Israelites as they were working and building his kingdom. And Moses' response in Exodus 5, uh 22 through 23 is one of blaming God. It reminded me of Genesis 3 and 12, where Adam blamed God. Adam was like, you know, this woman you gave me. You know, Moses uh says the same thing. He's he basically says, you know, these people, basically, he's blaming God for the situation. And it's pretty cool as I was studying, um, you could see this growth in in Moses. Um, because when you move on to Exodus 14, it's easy to move on to the growth moment. But in between Exodus 5 and Exodus 14, um, there's the plagues, there's the Passover, there's the pillar, uh, the cloud and the fire that Moses saw. And so when you get to Exodus 14, verses 11 and 12, uh, the people complained again. They they said to Moses, Is it because there was no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? They say, Moses, leave us alone that we may serve the Egyptians. They were basically like, it'd be better for us if we'd have stayed, you know. But we see something pretty cool with Moses in Exodus 14, starting in chapter or verse 13. Moses doesn't blame anymore. Yeah. Um, he trusts. And and the Bible says that but Moses said to the people, Do not fear, stand by and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will accomplish for you today. And then one of my favorite statements in the Bible, and it's something that has at times kept me out of trouble. Exodus 14, 14. Uh the Bible says, the Lord will fight for you while you keep silent. And I I think it's a great example of Moses' growth in dealing with the critics, but I saw something that I hadn't seen before. Um maybe I didn't have the capacity or I just wasn't paying attention. We also see God's patience with Moses as he grows in his faith. And I think we could all say the same about ourselves. Um I know there's tons of growth for me to still um approach and uh adopt in my walk with the Lord, but I I I I can admit that there's areas where I've seen God be patient with me, and I'm I'm a little bit better than I used to be earlier in my walk, in terms of trusting Him, and in terms of uh being quiet, in terms of praying first. Um those are things that I just didn't even think about uh in my 20s, in my 30s, um in my 50s, uh God has allowed some things in my life to get me to a place where um I show a little bit of maturity where I didn't before. It's a great example of his patience with us, you know. When we complain, he's still patient. Yeah. Um God doesn't need to give us an answer, but he's gracious enough to to give us answers uh to some of the questions we have. And a great reference um to this particular topic and subject is in Psalm 136. Um it's an awesome display of God's love for us, but it also is akin to this particular uh moment in time in Exodus uh 14. In Exodus 36, 13 through 15, the Bible says, give thanks to him who parted the Red Sea. And this is the Red Sea moment is right after this uh trust uh segment where we see this growth of Moses and we also see the patience of God. It goes on to say his faithful love endures forever. He's patient with us because he loves us. And when you read Psalm 136, you see it's his love that allows for him to be patient. It is who God is, especially when we complain, especially when we're dealing with the critics and things aren't going our way. And I I can relate to it um when I was a basketball player, even in college, um, but especially in the pros, and especially when I became a head coach, like you're just going to deal with critics. And your natural flesh is to attack or defend yourself. And and as I've you know gotten older and and obviously being under teaching with you and and Pastor Bill and others, I've learned that my first response um is to not attack another person because my battle is not against them. Yeah, my first response should be to ask God for help, as we talked about with Corey Tinboom when she had to deal with uh the officer who caused her family so much pain. My first response should be to pray. Um my response before the situation is to pray so that I can have the right heart set when these critics and opposition come up. And so that's good. This was a really cool uh study for me. Um we could we could go both of us could go back and forth about this, but you just see this progression with Moses. He goes from not being so faithful to trusting God, and we also see this this great patience that God has with Moses and with us.

SPEAKER_00 7:34

Yeah, that's well said. I mean, you see this maturity and and this growth in Moses' ability to not only trust more, but to listen to the Lord more than the critics. Yeah, and the voice of the Lord was was louder in his life. And I'm I think that leads to a couple of principles that we need to remember when we're facing the critics and criticism is number one, we need to take that time to listen. James 119 says everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Sometimes, you know, when when someone is is telling us something that isn't necessarily fun for us to hear, you know, we can automatically shut down and and we can withdraw, and as you said, you can go on the defensive and attack that person even before they've finished saying what they're trying to say to us. And and so we need to first recognize and and internalize what is being said to us, and we can even say, you know, thank you for that feedback. I'm gonna take that into consideration and pray about that. And even if it's something that requires us more time to think about and pray about, we can even say, you know, let me take a little time to process what you've just said to me, and I'm gonna follow up with you again tomorrow. And we shouldn't immediately disregard or dismiss criticism because number two, the Lord may be using the critic to help sharpen us and and refine us in some way. And that makes me think of the example of King David. In 2 Samuel 16, David's son Absalom forms a conspiracy to overthrow his father, and David has to flee Jerusalem. And on his way out of town, a man named Shimei, who was a supporter of the previous king, King Saul, started throwing rocks and yelling curses at David, you know, maybe some profanity, and he's saying to David, Go away, go away, you man of bloodshed, you worthless man. And David is just taking it in. He's not responding. But one of the king's men, Abishai, turns to David and says in 2 Samuel 16, 9, Why should this dead dog, Shimei, curse my Lord the king? Now let me go over and cut off his head. That's a way to stop the critic. But David says, No, the Lord may have given Shimei this message to pass on to me. And David just continues walking down the road, and there's Shimei following David step for step up on the hillside, throwing curses, throwing dirt and stones upon David and his entourage. And it's an interesting little note at the end of this section. It says in verse 14 that when the king and all the people were with him arrived, they were exhausted. Facing criticism, it can be physically and emotionally and even spiritually exhausting. Yeah. But perhaps God is allowing that in our lives to refine us and sanctify us. And I know Daniel is another great example that we talked about.

SPEAKER_01 11:08

First, let me say I I've I've you and I have been friends for a while now, and you we have intimate conversations. You've been so good in terms of keeping personal situations personal because they're intimate to your leadership at our church. But I I I can recall when you've brought up times where somebody's criticized you, and it's been so cool to watch your response. I don't think I've ever seen you get upset by it. And I I know when you've shared it with me, I get upset for you. Because I just I want to go grab the person and just, you know, squeeze. Who is this person? Yeah, it's like I want to know who it is, but I've never seen I've seen you handle it that way. Yeah. Um, as a refining moment for you and asking the question, like, are they right? And they could be right. And I I just think to myself, I'm like, they're wrong. They didn't study like you. They didn't, you know, I just and I've always been protective that way with you and Pastor Bill, because he did the same thing. He would share with me situations without telling, you know, who the person was, and I would just be like, I feel for you guys, but I always saw you respond that way. It's pretty cool. With Daniel, um, in in Daniel chapter six, he's he's under um the kingship of Darius. And he, you know, at this point, Daniel's one of three, one of 120 satraps, but he's one of three that that really stand out. And the Bible says that in in Daniel 6, 3, that Daniel separated himself because he had an extraordinary spirit, which is, you know, really cool to recognize in this situation. Um, but in verse 4, right away it says Daniel faces opposition. Yeah. He's facing the critics. In verses 6 through 9, it explains what Daniel was going through. And if you if you have time, I hope our listeners do, like read that story. It's it's pretty cool because I think we'll find ourselves faced with something like that. But Daniel's response um was to pray. And when we talk about facing the critics, um we we have to have that mindset um and practice of praying. Um we have to have the mindset that you just talked about. Like, are they right? And is God using this to refine me? And when we look at Daniel uh 6, verses 10 through 11, the Bible says, but when Daniel learned that the law had been signed, he went home and knelt down as usual. Like this was not something that Daniel did as a once-off. This was what Daniel did all of the time. Uh the Bible says, with his windows open toward Jerusalem, he prayed three times a day just as he always done. This was his practice. So it's like it speaks to us that we cannot wait for the critics. We cannot wait for the situation. We have to be prepared. Yeah. It's like in basketball, I I can't wait for somebody to throw his own defense at us and then try to put a zone offense in the game. At the moment. I have to we have to be in practice, and in high school, you got to do it a lot to get the kids ready for the moment when that opposition, that change of defense is going to happen. As believers, we need to be in this practice that Daniel had because we're going to deal with critics. Somebody's going to criticize how we parent. Someone's going to criticize how we do our job. Somebody's going to criticize how we drive. You know, somebody's going to criticize the HOA's going to ask you, like, why's your yard that way? You know, it's am I going to act out in the flesh and attack, or am I going to uh get before the Lord and pray before the situation so that my heart can be in a position like Daniel's? And it's pretty interesting. Like, Daniel did not uh pray out of defiance. He actually asked God for help in this situation. And it the response to Daniel's um prayer was not a good one. Like he's he's thrown in the lion's den. Yes. And you know, God protects him. Um and the outcome of that was is pretty cool when you read this story. You get the Daniel 6, verse 25. King Darius sent this message to the people of every race and nation and language throughout the world. Peace and prosperity to you. I decree that everyone throughout my kingdom should tremble with fear before the God of Daniel, for he is the living God. Because of Daniel's response, because Daniel had prepared himself, not knowing that this might happen, it had a huge impact on the king. And that had a huge impact on the kingdom. And it's like that is the kind of impact that we want uh to have. Like it we have to expect criticism.

SPEAKER_02 16:22

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

In sports, we say this thing, you know, we have to rise to the occasion. You know it's always kind of weird when people say that because it's just like it's just something we say. But I'm not quite sure it fits. When we're in those moments, we're we're going to fall to the level of our habits.

SPEAKER_00 16:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:42

Like that's what's that's what life is. Like I tell our players all the time, I'm like, um, whatever you do habitually, you're gonna do it under stress. So when we're in practice, you have to do the right things now. Before the fans come in and the officials and the opponent, do it now. So your body doesn't have to change. When I was in the pros, I got a bit of criticism when I started out because all my practices were like playoff practices. And the players didn't get it until I explained to them, I said, Look, I don't want to have to change when we make it to the playoffs. I'm not going to wait until we get good, or when we get good, and then I'm going to turn into a playoff coach. I'm like, I'm not a playoff coach when I first started out, but I want to have playoff practices. And it was in that moment that they were like, oh, you know. Now I wasn't at the time, but I I learned from the really good coaches that I had in the past is you have to treat every day the same. You have to be consistent every single day. And so I had a guy named Dave Wool. He said, Matt, wear the same outfit the same way every day and put your coaching card in the same spot. And I was like, What? He said, Yeah, you want the players to know what to expect every day from you. And it was a practice and it was something that other coaches started doing on the staff, but it was a habit.

SPEAKER_02 18:06

That's good.

SPEAKER_01 18:06

And even on the days where it was, you win three in a row, I'm the same.

SPEAKER_02 18:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:12

You lose four in a row, I'm the same. And we see this from Daniel. Daniel, it didn't matter if it was if he was gonna have a critic or if everybody was going to agree with him, he was going to be in a place of prayer.

SPEAKER_03 18:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:26

And it spoke to my heart like how this can relate to our lives. Don't wait for the criticism. Yeah. Ask God for wisdom before these situations pop up. Like, Lord, um my son is a lot like me. I know he's gonna do something stupid. Help me now to respond in a way that's loving that helps him. Yeah. I'm using hyperbole for effect, but the point is the point. Like, we we have to spend time with the Lord and ask him for wisdom for these situations that undoubtedly are going to come up.

SPEAKER_00 19:05

Yeah. That's good. Daniel's testimony was so powerful because of that constant discipline of prayer that you just talked about. And and and you also mentioned earlier just uh how we handle criticism as as a follower of Christ and as a as a leader in the church. Yeah, I remember how Pastor Roger Roger Poupart, who's now at uh Dallas Seminary, used to say, sometimes as a leader, we have to eat crow for Christ. You know, uh doesn't mean you that you get walked over, but sometimes we have to accept that criticism and pray for how it is we can respond to the person with that loving balance of grace and truth. Because we don't know what might be going on in their lives and the hurt that's in their heart. And our response can be such a powerful testimony and encourage others in their faith. You know, I think about Nehemiah, who faced the critics as he's trying to have the wall rebuilt around Jerusalem, and he faces this constant opposition from Tobiah and Sandbalat. And we read of Sandbalot's criticism in Nehemiah 4. What does this bunch of poor feeble Jews think they're doing? Do they think they can rebuild the wall in a single day by just offering a few sacrifices? Yeah. Do they actually think they can make something of stones from a rubbish heap? And then his co-conspirator and co-critic Tobiah, who was standing there with him, said that stone wall would collapse if even a fox walked along the top of it. And you know, Nehemiah could have responded with, you know, a comeback, but his response is prayer. He said, Then I prayed, Hear us, O God, for we are being mocked. May their scoffing fall back on their own heads. And this doesn't mean that the criticism stopped because it continued, and the the plots and the conspiracy against Nehemiah and the rebuilding efforts continued, but the people still continue to pray. Nehemiah 4 9. But we prayed to our God, and because of them, we set up a guard against them day and night. The people kept praying. The people kept working, and the wall was finally finished in Nehemiah chapter 6. And we see these men sit. Sam Ballot and Tobiah, they didn't have good intentions. Their criticism was not constructive. And I think that's another point of application when we're facing criticism is what are this uh the other person's intentions? What are their intentions? Is it ultimately for our good or for the good of the overall mission, or is there criticism coming from a place of insecurity in their lives? Or is a struggle taking place in their hearts and that's their reaction? A good Christian brother or sister isn't someone who just tells us what we want to hear, but often tells us what we need to hear. And Proverbs 27:5 says, Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend. And Charles Spurgeon talked about these kinds of friendships. Spurgeon said, True friends put enough trust in you to tell you openly of your faults. Give me that kind of friend who will speak honestly of me before my face, who will not tell first one neighbor and then another, but who will come straight to my house and say, I feel there is such and such a thing in you, which as my brother I must tell you of. And that's a true friend. You know, sometimes it might take a few years after hearing this criticism before we're able to look back and see how that constructive feedback, although it may have been painful at the moment, but it has made us stronger and it has helped us to grow as leaders. And I know that you've talked about that in the past when you know you've had coaches who were hard on you at the moment. They may have even thrown you out of the gym, but you then realize that they weren't picking on you, but they saw so much potential in you. Yeah. And they wanted you to reach that true greatness.

SPEAKER_01 24:10

Yeah, it's it's an interesting deal in terms of you know, the believers in your life with great intention or someone who just cares about you, they're calling you up. Yeah. Someone who might be dealing with insecurity or hurt, their criticism may feel like they're calling you out. Yeah. And the calling out sometimes can be to embarrass, to demean, diminish. Um, I've always tried to um in my coaching is to call players up. Yeah. You know, my kids call them up to their potential. My hope is that they don't take it in that way where they feel like dad's embarrassing them and that kind of thing. Um, but I've I've noticed that with, you know, you talked about coaches I've had over the years. Like I I truly believe that all of them were just trying to get me to this place that they saw where I wasn't yet. And how their tactics at times felt like, you know, it was a little rough on my my backside. But um it's amazing how later on um you got it in terms of you know what they were trying to get out of you as you as you grew. And you know, one of the situations that we studied um for this pod was uh in reference to our Lord and Savior Jesus, who had these critics, um the Pharisees, the Sadducees, and the scribes. Um the the these uh groups of people, um, Jesus had a few topics of discussions with them. One was traditional religion, uh dealing with social outcasts, temple policy and behavior, uh, Sabbath rules. Um in Matthew 16, we we see um his debate is being tested by the Pharisees and Sadducees. And just for context, uh the Pharisees um were the traditionalists. They were the ones who were pretty um status quo. Yes. The Sadducees were more liberal. And it's interesting during this segment, like they were not in the same group. But to test Jesus and to try to regain what they felt like they were losing, uh they decided to team up, which I think is funny. Um but in in verse one of Matthew 16, they asked Jesus for a sign. And when I read the Wearsby commentary, the word sign here means more than just a miracle or a demonstration. It meant a wonder by which one may recognize a person or confirm who he is. And so they wanted Jesus to give them a sign so they would respect him more, to establish like who are you? We need a sign from you so that we can look at you the way that you want us to look at you, which I think is pretty fun. And this was the fourth time that they had asked for a sign. Uh they do it one more time in in Luke 11 14. Sadly, we know that that miracles don't always build faith. Um the Bible says in Romans 10, 17 that faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. Um, what what is Jesus's response? Um He uses a example of the weather. Yes. Um And he he basically says, you guys, you know, you know how to you know how to read the weather, but you can't understand the evidence that I've already presented to you guys. And sadly, uh when you read this story, this is one of the few times where Jesus walks away from um some people that he encountered. Yeah. And it just spoke to my heart. Um there are times where we do have to walk away from the critics. I found it to be helpful for me when um my response, and and I'm a bit heated when I'm hearing the criticism, and I found that being quiet in that moment is probably the best thing. Jesus' um practice here is walking away because of their willful disobedience and willful unbelief. And not only does he walk away, he goes on to warn uh the disciples about these Pharisees and Sadducees, and it's a warning to us about religious folk who um may want us to be under their thumb based on their rules and regulations and their made-up religions that are outside of the Bible. But I I think it's it's pretty uh profound. Um here Jesus could have said anything to correct them, but in this particular situation, um he walks away. And it it's it's something that I f I think, you know, in my situation for sure, like asking God for wisdom on when to speak and when to be quiet. Yeah. And I think it's it's it's wisdom when you don't have an answer to be quiet in a respectful way. I know it's husbands, um, we're not the most talkative when it comes to dealing with things that we need to deal with in our marriages. And I I can remember um in my first marriage um with Ingrid, I'd come home from practice and I'd be a bit, you know, whatever, and I'd be real quiet. And I'd dive into my film and and just get to work and and that kind of thing. And she would ask me, like, what's going on? And I just wouldn't say anything. And I had to get to a place where um being quiet wasn't good enough, especially in in my in my marriage. And so I got to this place where I I told her I was like, honey, I'm just I'm struggling right now. I just need it, I need a moment. And that's where I kind of adopted this practice of when I came home, I put my stuff down and I grabbed one of my dogs and I'd go for a walk. And it gave me a chance to be quiet, talk to the Lord, and kind of decompress from whatever happened in practice, and then I could come back in and be dad. And it started to work in terms of getting rid of the coaching activity and coaching title, coaching experience, whatever it was that happened that day, talk to the Lord, walk the dog, get away for a minute, come back in, and then be husband and dad the way I needed to be. Not that it's a a great parallel to what Jesus was doing here. Jesus was walking away from these guys because they had created their own religion and they were trying to suppress the people under that pressure. And so he walked away from them. But I think it's something that we need to be praying about as leaders, as husbands, as fathers, um when do when are we to be quiet? But before that, like explaining to them why we're why we're quiet. Yeah. You know, because our wives, they they look at us like, you know, you can talk to your buddies, but you can't talk to me. And you just like okay, I don't know what to say to that, you know. But explaining to them, like, honey, I'm I'm struggling right now. Like I don't have an answer for you. I'm trying not to say anything sharp or curt. Yeah. Give me a few minutes um to pray, to think about this, and then let's get back together this evening and and and talk. Um, using wisdom in those situations can uh be a benefit. Because I I will say, you know, I haven't always been that wise, and it's gotten me in a pickle um in my rel in my marriage with uh then with Ingrid and now with Lisa. And and Lisa is so patient. Um she understands you know those moments when I'm quiet. I'm just trying to get myself together a bit. I need to pray before I say. Yeah. Um so I don't say something that hurts her or hurts the kids. Uh just give me a second to get it to get it together.

SPEAKER_00 32:16

No, uh I I think that's that's wise. And you know, one of the things that I've always admi admired in you, as I've heard you on this podcast and and on other platforms, is you have never used these opportunities to speak bad about someone else. You know, there there may have been people in your past or other coaches or or other employers that you know that have uh perhaps spoken words of of constructive criticism, but but you've never used uh these platforms to belittle someone else or or to speak less of someone else, but to really speak words of life and uh appreciation for other people. And uh because we you know we never know when we will have that open door and that opportunity to share the gospel. And I think that's that is so important for us to to be mindful of. You know, we don't know when it's too late and and when we may have uh missed that that window. And so it'd always be ready, to always be prepared to be able to share our testimony and share the gospel of Jesus Christ with with uh anybody that we come across. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:54

No, I appreciate that. I think it's not something that came natural to me. Um growing up where I grew up in you know, the country, it was a little bit different. But when I moved to Maryland, uh right outside of Washington, D.C., it was like you had to defend yourself. You know, it was either physical or verbal. And as as the Lord would mature me a little bit, um, I learned that I had a responsibility um to be careful with my words. Um Ingrid taught me a long time ago that hurting people hurt people. And we hurt people with our words. In sports today, uh there's a tendency to share a bit too much. Yes. And I I hope that I've always been careful with that. The the locker room, the bus, the plane, the hotel, those are sacred places. And I think those stories and all the things that we see uh in any vocation, in any, they need to be guarded. And we're not always seeing that. Um if I've ever done that, um, I hope that I've you know apologized to anybody that I've hurt, but I've tried to, um because you know, any anything that we share um should be edifying and uplifting or encouraging. And even if we're trying to help somebody by a bit of criticism, it's to call them up and not out. So I pray that, you know, as we you and I do this, that we can always have that mindset when we do share.

SPEAKER_02 35:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:31

And I think that's a good word as we wrap up our time, even when we face criticism, we're gonna give that to the Lord. We're gonna ask God to teach us, to refine us. There's usually a kernel of truth in anything that someone is saying, and so we need to respond with those loving words of grace and truth, even when it's not easy. And to make sure that whatever we say and however we say it, that it aligns with scripture, it's covered in prayer, so that our words are God's word to that other person. And we want to encourage the listener, if you're currently facing criticism, we pray that it is of the constructive nature and ultimately helpful and sanctifying in your life and something that's not hurtful. And let me pray for the listener at this time. Lord, we thank you uh for all that you're doing in our lives and and how you use uh constructive feedback uh to refine us and sanctify us. And uh Lord, I pray that in in whatever the listener is is facing at this time, would you speak those words uh of love and and truth to them? And uh Lord, we we thank you that that we have your word and ultimately we have uh your example, Lord Jesus, uh, to help us uh when we uh are feeling uh weak. Uh Lord, um we we know that we have your example to encourage us. Uh Lord, we ultimately want to to please and honor you and in all of our ways and to have our lives be a living sacrifice unto you. So help us in this, we pray. In the name of Jesus. Amen. Well, thank you for spending time with us today. And remember, whatever it is that you're facing, know that God loves you, He's for you, He's got a good plan for you, and we'll see you next time.

SPEAKER_02 38:15

Thank you for joining us at Coaching for Life. And please subscribe wherever you receive this content.