sex with benefits
sex with benefits is a podcast hosted by pastors Joe and Ryan, created to open up honest, healthy conversations about sex within the Christian life. With humor and pastoral insight, they aim to remove shame, build understanding, and help couples embrace God’s design for intimacy with confidence and joy. In a nutshell we want couples to have more sex!
sex with benefits
102 | Communication
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Look, Joe and Ryan love talking about sex, and you should too.
Seriously though - a healthy sex life begins with healthy, consistent, and honest communication. Joe and Ryan dig into why in this episode.
Welcome to another episode of Sex with Benefits. I'm Ryan. I'm Joe.
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SPEAKER_03Hey, we're here to say what you're thinking. We're going to dig into the questions you're afraid to ask. I'm too afraid. I'm too afraid. We'll kick off the conversation so you can continue it.
SPEAKER_01That's nice. Yeah, that's nice, nice. Okay. Hey, we're new kids on the block. Uh, we know that. And we're talking about something that no one wants to talk about. Actually, this name is not even in the podcast world. So we're new. We're launching, sticking our something, taking our claim. Um, so we really hope you enjoy it. Uh, if you have thoughts, ideas, we'd love to hear from you. This is what it's all about. Conversation. We're not here to necessarily teach, we're here to just to open up the dialogue. And so join us as we start this show, and we hope you have a great rest of the day.
SPEAKER_03Hey, you're back with Ryan and Joe here to talk about everyone's favorite topic. Happy hump day. Happy hump day.
SPEAKER_01Such a great day. It's a great day for sex. You're halfway there.
SPEAKER_03It's a today is a great day for sex. It is. We don't say that to discourage you. We say that to help you be light and open to a great conversation on sex, which we're about to have. Yes, we are. We are. What do we got today? We're talking about communication. Uh listen, this is something that we're both passionate about. We touched on this in the last episode about honeymoons. If you've missed it, go back, check it out. Uh we're kind of taking this one chunk at a time, but communication is so vital one pump at a time. For some of us, it doesn't take very long. Just a few pumps. Uh listen, communication is so vital to a healthy sex life. Joe and I love talking about with people. We love watching guys blush in this very room, uh, breaking them down. And we love using humor to kind of weasel our way into honest and healthy conversations. Because people clam up about this stuff. They do not want to open up. Yeah. And uh we're always trying to crack a nut. Get them to just be a little vulnerable and like, hey, it's okay to talk about this stuff. No pun necessary.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, no, for sure. It's important to um, yeah, it's it conversation is really the foundation of all of this, right? Like exploration comes from like knowing where you're going, talking about where you're going. I think about like someone who, if we use the analogy of like someone who's looking for treasure, like you don't just get in the boat and go forward. Sure. You're like looking at a map, you're like, you're you're talking about it, you're you're figuring out plans, you're making a list, um, you're you're seeing how long it's gonna take, yeah, prepared to get to where you need to be. And in a lot of ways, um, we've been delusioned by the like movies that like um we just come home and things are gonna happen, you know, without any kind of work. Yes. Um and it may happen once in a while. Um and those days are awesome. But it's a lot of it is um these these steps that lead to that, you know, to to a healthy sex, healthy intimacy, healthy marriage. And so uh talking about it is I think like the first action because we think about it all the time. Right. Yeah. I mean, as guys at least. Right. I'm sure girls do too, but like we're always thinking about it. And so the first action for us is like, okay, we need to talk about it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. And break those assumptions out of your head. Give those expectations, give those expectations a voice. Yeah. And hold them loosely. Because if you're having a conversation with someone, that's both of you. So you're both, like you said, you're you're you're coming to it's uh it's preparations. You're gonna come to a place of mutual acceptance, consent, whatever you want to say. Yeah. And so then the expectations become something, it's hard, you're putting it out there because you're vulnerable, but it also becomes perhaps feasible, they become managed. Yeah. Um, you're not assuming things. Yeah. Listen, I love talking to my wife. If I if I have a day at work, I love checking in and seeing how she's doing. Yeah. Not just because of sex, but because it's good for me to know what my wife is doing. Yeah. And like you said, you don't just come home, either one of you from a day of work, be like, okay, here's my expectation, here's my assumption. Yeah. Take the pulse on your marriage in general. Like, oh, I know she's feeling poorly this week. Yeah. Like, I'm not gonna be pushing it this week. What can I do for her? Right. How can I help her? Can I make dinner?
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_03Can I vacuum? Whatever it is.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. No, it's interesting. I was watching an ad on Instagram. Yeah. And it was like, um, you know, here's an app for you to t to ask questions every single day on your like to be a human being. Yeah, to be to like, and and your wife and your spouse looks at them and and it's like, oh, I didn't know you wanted to do that. And it's like, how how far away do we get from humanity that we need an app to ask us questions? It automatically sends it to our spouse. Right. It's like, why don't you just talk to, you know, and so I think you're right. I think that the fear is vulnerable is being vulnerable. Um that's a scary thing. There's a scripture in the Bible, John 3, it's like like 18 or 19, one of those. Um it says, Many fear to come in the light for the fear of being exposed. That's good. Um, and so what the enemy does in general worldwide is to keep us in darkness, right? Why is sex so hard to talk about? It's because pornography. Yeah.
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SPEAKER_01Pornography has killed conversations about sex. Right. Because you do it in the secret, you do it in the dark, no one knows about it, you hide it, um, you explore it, and it's just it's literally inside of you and you and the computer and this fake relationship, whether it's or it's AI, chat, or whatever it may be, right? Right. And so um that's that's killing um this beautiful pathway that we have of communication. And so we're afraid to say how we feel, we're afraid to ask, we're afraid to talk about it. Um, and then when we do talk about it, usually it's in a fight, right? We're fighting, and we're like, well, you never have sex with me anyways, or you never want to do what I want to do. And it's like, first of all, wrong wrong timing. Yeah, right. But it all finally comes out. Right? But it's a then it's then it's like shame, it's guilt, it's manipulation, frustration, and then you don't talk about it again for another five years because if it's the wrong moment, wrong time. Yeah, and so I think we're just trying to talk out loud, like, what does it look like for us to to be uh better in communicating what we want? And and um and I think a lot of people as well may see it as like not being romantic, right? Like I I've heard someone not too long ago with like, oh, I can't people who plan sex is just it's just wild. Like I can't I would never be that person. Well that's that's interesting, you know, like that you have that perspective, but it's like um they could be so much more healthier than you. Yeah. You know, because they're talking about it, they're planning it. Maybe maybe their work schedules are crazy, and it's a season thing of like, hey, every you know, Tuesday and Thursday we're gonna we're gonna do it. Um and there's this expectation on those days, they know it's gonna happen. And it's like we gotta we gotta stop shaming people um and we gotta stop feeling shame and at least start somewhere, yeah, and at least start with saying, Hey, um, I really want to have more sex. Or um I really feel uh overlooked, yeah, or I just really just need just this quickie, or I really just need uh something. Like, you know, like starting somewhere when you're not in a fight. Um, but and I'll say this last thing, and I'd love to hear your thoughts, but like I think part of the issue too is as guys, um, we're really badass. We won't say we get the boldness. Okay, we're gonna talk about it. I'm gonna talk about dinner tonight and I'm gonna mention it. And uh, and they say it and they finally get it out. But the problem is they don't talk to their wives any in general. Right. Yes, and so that's the only thing they're gonna bring up. It's like then then what happens is your wife is like, well, do you just see me as like a like a sexual just to like fulfill your face? Like, there's no real life intimacies. And so for me, as we talk about why is it important to talk about sex, no shame, it's like because there's a lot of toxic things out there, and and um it really starts with like just being human with your spouse. Absolutely, because the whole world's talking at you, right?
SPEAKER_03I mean, we're all talking about this, it's in TV shows, it's in the movies, it's in the stories, I mean, it it's we're surrounded by it. Uh it's so critical because I mean here's the thing. When if you're afraid to talk about sex, I would ask yourself, are are you even talking about other things? Like I won't even jump in with sex. Don't start with sex. Are you are you talking about life? You're talking about your dreams, you're talking about uh vision, how how the day is going, where where the weeks going, what are you struggling with? How can I pray for you? How how can I support you more? Uh what are my blind spots? You know, that that's the real question when you start uh you know exposing yourself uh in a vulnerable way of like, is there a way I could be a better husband or wife to you? Because what you're doing is you're creating an open space to invite the sexual slice of the pie that is your life, that is your marriage, into the conversation. Uh it's everything. So it shouldn't just be, well, now we're only gonna talk about sex. No, that that is that's one part of it, but you have to be willing to make the investment. And I'm I'm gonna speak to what Joe said. Uh you're you're listening to a guy who very rarely does spontaneous sex because we are constantly communicating about it, and it's not um unromantic at all. Uh the spontaneity happens too, but for for us, sex just like prayer, just like uh our family calendar every week, just like church, whatever we're doing, the things in our day, it is a conversation we have. Our kids, we talk about everything with each other, and there is a regularity to it. So it's not weird for us any day to be like, hey, you want to have sex tonight? You want to do it after dinner, before dessert, you want to do it. After dinner, before dessert. What is that? Your kids Right. You do you want to do it before dessert, after dessert? Sometimes dessert's like a nice little treat for a job well done. You know, it's a reward. It's like I don't know about you. I get, you know, people smoke pot, get the munchies. Yeah. I get the munchies after sex. I'm like, I could eat so many times.
SPEAKER_01We just released so much uh it's time for dessert. I've earned this.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. So we're constantly talking about it and planning it because we've made an investment in our marriage that it is a chunk of our time. We haven't seen each other in days. Yeah. And this is our time to reconnect, talk before or after. Yeah, or during. Or during. That's right. How are you? Yeah. Fine. Yeah. Could you focus? Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Good rhythm.
SPEAKER_01No, that's good, man. That's healthy. Um I mean, let's break this down a little bit because I think that for guys and especially young guys and young people in general, we just need like just like steps. What does kind of a look like to have a rhythm of healthy of communication about sex? Like, should it be set up a day a week? Should there, you know, should there be, you know, what are some ideas?
SPEAKER_03Let's let's start let's assume we're starting from scratch, right? Like this is something you you don't talk about. Maybe every now and then you Netflix and chill, you fall into each other's arms and you don't make eye contact the rest of the day. Yeah. Is that not normal? Is that not normal? Are you saying that's bad? Uh listen, this is gonna happen. Uh if you have not started at all, I think you start small. You start with normal things. It's like, hey, uh whatever your rhythm is, go for the next thing. Maybe you have it once a month. Yeah. Could you have it twice a month? Is that crazy? Yeah. Talking about it. Well, even just have I'm saying as a first topic of conversation, for example, like a small thing. Like, hey, I'd love to have it twice this month. Are you okay with that? Yeah. What would that look like? If it's hard to schedule, put it on your schedule. Put it in freaking ink on your Google calendar. Who cares? This is your life. Yeah. No one's gonna do it for you. Right. Uh so I'd say start small. Be willing to have those little feasible conversations. Uh I'd say like we were talking in our Honeymoon episode. Uh you wish someone had given you tools. Had someone given you language. Talk to somebody you know that seems to have a good sex life, or keep asking the question like, do you have a good sex life? Not a bad thing. Ask them how they do it. Ask them to come alongside you. You can talk as a couple, woman could talk to the woman, man can talk to the man. Uh, but I think you know, invite people in. And then the third thing I I'd say is just stop being I don't okay. I don't I was gonna say stop being a coward, but I feel like that's gonna get us some hate mail. Stop being afraid. Yes. And just have the question. And I would say, can I talk to you about this? Can we talk about sex? Are you open to have that conversation? Set it up on emotional time, right? Don't get in a fight, right? Then be like, okay, what do you want? Why don't you start there? What do you want? Can I massage you? Can I do this? Can I do that? Bing, bam, bing, bam, boom. Oh, look, we're done. Oh, and then suddenly, guess what? You might have that conversation about sex, you might like jump into what you're talking about.
SPEAKER_01Right, right. Yeah, those are the first three things that come to mind. No, that's good. Um, I think, yeah, I think I think that the first thing I think you said, it's like maybe set the precedent of like, hey, we I want to talk about it. Yeah. Um, can we talk about it once a month? Because I think if you do it every week, it gets like it's like it can be scary for one person. You know? Um and so can we talk about this once a month? Can we just like um and you know what'd be kind of fun is if you if you each wrote like six th questions that you had um and put into a jar. Yeah. And then that once a month, then you don't have to like make something happen. Yeah. You just take the card out of the jar and it's like, what position you like, or do you like oral? Do you like all this stuff? Like I think then it kind of it leaves fate in some ways to to answer those questions. Yeah. Um you've already done the work. You can all of your six questions give you the same one. Do you like oral? Um you're definitely gonna get it answered.
SPEAKER_0050% chance. 50% chance to get it answered. Um you both have to do whatever's the bumper is if it's no, then the next five are gonna be no as well.
SPEAKER_01Maybe over the next six months. Yes, yeah. Um and so I think I think find ways that because I think part of it is um the fear of talking about it is the fear that we have to then do something. The expectation is then then we have to do it. So if we're saying, I want to talk about oral, and you're like, Oh, now I have to do this, or now I have to like be and and and I think it's just it's like any any relationship, um any friendship, any relationship dating, any working relationship, like no one ever walks in and is like, hey, you know, tell me your social security number. It's like, yeah, hey, what do you like? You know, what kind of food do you like? What kind of what do you want to do for lunch? Like it's very shallow and it builds and builds and builds. Right. Um and so I think if you have we're assuming there's no conversation, right? That a first place would be like, can we talk once a month? It's great. Can we just make it a little bit fun? Um and and then remove the pressure that it actually has to happen. Right. Um sex. Maybe you're talking about like can we put music on?
SPEAKER_03Do you like a candle? Do you do you like lights on, lights off? Right. Do you do you want to leave your shirt on? Like whatever it is, just start. Don't maybe don't even get to the sex. Just be like, just do you prefer it in the morning or in the evening? After the kids are in bed or during your nighttime? Yeah. Whatever.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think I think that's what you you can talk about and it will build, you know? Yes. Um, because I think what we've realized, and we talked about this off off um recording, and I'm sure we'll talk about it at some point in the future, but like um, you know, there's there's there's there's sometimes that you need to create a safety place. Safe place. Yeah. And safety is what you're shooting for. If we can create a safe place of talking about it, eventually a safe place of doing it will come. Yes. Um you gotta keep the kind of see the big picture in hand. Um, but I I think what and at least in in counseling that I do or what I see with young couples, um, and and even older couples, because there's a bit of pride and stuff, is that we don't even have the conversations, uh, which means we're never gonna get to the desires. And desires unmet create just havoc and dangerous, dangerous places and places. Yeah. And so um, and then there's a temptation to go online, then now we have AI that can fulfill all your needs. Yeah, and you can create the girl that you want or the guy that you want, and it's like that's that's that's where what happens when we don't talk about it, yeah. And so um I would say set the expectation low, um, create a safe place, um, and maybe don't make it all about sex, make it about life. Yes. If you make it about sex, you don't get to life. If you hit life, sex is evolved, right?
SPEAKER_03You may end up thinking you're talking about sex, and it's like, you know what? I wish you'd do the laundry once we I wish you'd clean a frickin' bathroom. Right. And then I'd have like capacity or space to do it, right? Like, hey, I wish you'd actually open up about it. I don't feel like talking about sex because every time I talk about it, I feel like it's a dirty word, and you don't want to like talk about your emotional health for sure.
SPEAKER_01I I agree. And I think the last thing we wanted to hit before we close is just this idea of complaining, right? I think we wanted to kind of end on that because I think that's a huge problem within the church and even just in the world, right? Even in on TVs and books and stuff like that. You talked about it's model culture. Yeah, yeah, like the sitcom world is just complaining, right? Um, I don't get enough, I don't my needs are not being met, all that stuff. So let's just spend two minutes, three minutes. What are your thoughts?
SPEAKER_03My opinion is that you shouldn't complain to other people what you're not willing to discuss with your spouse. If you're having struggles and you need to talk about someone, that's fine. But have you tried talking to your spouse first? Maybe it's a valid complaint, maybe you have a valid issue, but start with communication. Just put it out there, open Pandora's box and see what happens. Or tell them, like, hey, this is hurting me. And if you guys are gone completely different sides, yeah, that's when you bring some help in. And there's no shame in that. I was I was looking at a um a research, a sex slash couples therapist, where she said people who talk about their sex lives are so much happier. The sex is more satisfying because the expectations are are met, uh, because they see each other. Even if you're not on the same page, you're at least inviting a conversation. And so invite someone else into that conversation in a healthy way. Don't just complain to them, but like, hey, I've expressed this. Yeah. Okay, you we we disagree. Would you be willing to talk with someone? Right. How important is it? Right. And I would say this last thing for me, uh the kids are great. The kids are blessings. Yeah, you know what your kids need. They need for a mom to love their dad, they need for dad to lay his life down for his mom for their mom. Yeah, the kids are gonna be gone in 18 years. Yeah, you're gonna be around like three times that afterwards. Yeah, the marriage is what's going to last. Kids are gonna move away, grandkids are gonna come, and that's awesome. Those that's blessings. Yeah, but love them by putting each other first in your life. And don't just be like, oh, I don't have time to talk to someone, we don't have money to talk to someone. No, make it happen. Yeah, bring someone into the conversation if you need to.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's good. I think my two cents would be um get a friend, get a couple of friends you can talk to. Um I find, and again, my counseling to marriages is that um that complain just chops the legs off of marriages. Yeah, it it literally just it kills culture, it kills any life that there is left. Um so get around uh some guys or some girls that you, you know, guy with guy, girl with girls, that you can just complain to in some ways. Um because we all we all need a vent, right? Absolutely. Because keep it in is not the best thing, but not going to your spouse is is the best thing right away, either, right? So get around some guys, because you may need some guys who'll be like, Man, you know what? I've actually had the same experience. This is what this is what I did. Yeah, and maybe it gives you a bit of a clarity of what it what direction to go towards. Um but then also you may need some guys to be like, bro, you are like you're doing it like twice a week, like why are you even complaining? Right. You know what I mean? Like just giving some perspective as well. And so um and and I think that that for me that's important. Uh you know, uh part of uh the beauty of living in America is freedom and all that, whatever. But the other part is like we're so individuals, individualistic, yes, um, which kills us. So it was the birth of our country, it's still there. Yeah, and I think that you know, before this, it was a lot of communal living. And so there was there was wisdom being passed on from brother to brother or older to younger. Sure. And we now just look at chat or we we now look at uh Google, we we look watch porn because we're like we don't we don't know how to talk out our issues in general, and I think we're missing out on wisdom from other guys who are like, listen, you think it's fun doing on the beach, but you get sand in places that you don't need, stop like fighting for that. It isn't worth it, right? Let it go. Like it's like it's like you you think like oh, you know, all this stuff's gonna be great. Like stop fighting. Like just getting perspective, it's just like healthy. Yeah. And um, and if you keep on if you keep on bringing it into your marriage, it's gonna frustrate you and your spouse. And it's gonna kill what you have left. And obviously, you're listening to this because you're probably wanting more. Um and that's not the way to get there, right? And so uh if you're gonna complain, complain to a bro or to a to a what would be a girl, like a a girlfriend. Uh um what is it? Uh bro. Gal? Gal? I think it's I think yeah, what do they call it? I don't know. We're too old thing. Well, we're so limited. We've got some on this pad. We usually say bros before hoes. And so that's how I'm starting to think of the and so uh anyways. Uh stop complaining, get around some people you can complain too, vent to, um, talk about sex, um, get some help. If you need it, nothing wrong with it. If you're like, I don't know, I don't have money, go to a local church. Talk to a pastor. Um, ask to get if you get if you get some time with them and just bring it up. Like um, talk to a friend, talk to somebody who's ahead of you and you respect. Start there. There's always somewhere you can go. For sure. Um, and uh, we hope that this is uh another good day for you and that you don't just have more sex, which is what we want, um, but you your marriage grows. Yes. Because like Ryan said, um, when the kids are gone, when you're retired and you're all crusty and sitting in your your um rocking chair, like if you keep the marriage alive, maybe that's the next place you're gonna have it is in the in the walking chair. That's right. That crusty crusty for a reason. That's right, crusty for a reason. A little scratchy scratchy. Um and so hey, we uh we thanks for listening and uh we'll see you next week. See ya. Peace. Bye.