103 | Before the Bedroom

Hey! Slow down! Before you make love, have you made the investment??? Joe and Ryan get into what it means to include sex as one part of a fully formed relationship with your spouse.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Hey, welcome to another episode of Sex with Benefits. I'm Ryan. I'm Joe. Stock, stock, stock, stock, stock, stock, stock, hey, we're here to say what you're thinking. We're going to dig into the questions you're afraid to ask. I'm too afraid. I'm too afraid. We'll kick off the conversation so you can continue it.

SPEAKER_02 0:27

That's nice. Yeah, that's not okay. Hey, we're new kids on the block. Uh, we know that. And we're talking about something that no one wants to talk about. Actually, this name is not even in the podcast world. We're new. We're launching, sticking our something, taking our claim. Um, so we really hope you enjoy it. Uh, if you have thoughts, ideas, we'd love to hear from you. This is what it's all about. Conversation. We're not here to necessarily teach. We're here to just to open up the dialogue. And so join us as we start this show, and we hope you have a great rest of the day.

SPEAKER_00 1:02

It's that special time of the week. It's your favorite podcast. Come at you live. It's Joey and Ryan. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, sex. Sex delicious. Right. I like that. Hey, we're here to have fun. We're here to talk about the hangups. We're talking here to talk about healing. Come on, let's get into it. Today we're talking about before the bedroom, before you even get that glint in your eye, men, women of all libidos. Ouch. Hey, aye. My safe word is keep going. Before you even get over there, are you making love to someone that you actually have a good, solid relationship with? Do you actually know each other? Yeah. Have you put in the time before you put it in?

SPEAKER_02 2:01

That's right. Amen. Right? Amen. It's a good word. Amen. It's a good word. Amen. Repeat. Yeah, we uh we want to talk about um about what happens before intercourse. Um the the ground that's being laid uh before you get laid. Absolutely. Um so uh we want to ask maybe a couple questions and um and see what unfolds here. Again, we are Sex with Benefits, we do not edit, we just go for it, just like you should.

SPEAKER_00 2:33

Uh it was Joe's birthday this week. So he's gnawing on some birthday Doritos, crunching on some some icy Coca-Cola. That's right. It's a good it's a good day. It's a good day. We're just enjoying life over here. We're just a couple of guys chilling and just trying to open things up a little bit. Open things up a little bit. Keeping it raw.

SPEAKER_02 2:50

Keeping it raw. As you should. Doggy style. Amen. Um so I guess uh the first thing we can start off with is um sex should factor in as a part of fully formed relationship rather than done in isolation. Right. What's your thoughts on that?

SPEAKER_00 3:06

You can't just jump into bed with someone, expect there to be a full openness. Maybe maybe you can fake it for a while. Maybe that's something where it's like, yeah, we just we have sex because we know we both want it, even though we're having a crazy lifestyle. But we're what Joe and I are saying is that sex should be uh just one slice of the pie. It needs to come as part of a whole. Uh it can't be done, well, we do all this and then we have sex. It should be connected and continuous with an existing life where you guys are you're spending time in conversation. Have you invested time in conversation, in prayer, having fun together, in in just resting together? Yeah, you know, those moments where you really get to know each other, get to know your heart in a light way and sometimes a heavy way.

SPEAKER_02 3:56

Yeah, I think if we don't learn the um the importance of intimacy and and the groundwork, um, I think what happens is sex just becomes kind of a band-aid to solve kind of problems, it becomes something we kind of resent uh because it's something we just have to do. And a lot of those times, like we're talking about like it's just another moment of your life. Um, it's not tied into anything. Um you may you may experience uh you know climax and pleasure for the moment, but the reality is you've got to go back to your normal life after that moment. Yeah. Right? And so it's like you can have amazing sex for you know two minutes, but then two minutes later you're right back to the the horrible marriage. Right, the mundane. The mundane, right? Like it's it's and so I think we really want to kind of just talk about like it's important to to build up um to this so that sex becomes that much more benef beneficial. It becomes a benefit, right? That's probably sex benefits. Yeah, it's like sex should be this amazing thing, but it's you know, a lot of times the better the best part of sex is after and before. It's the relief after and the safety with somebody else, yeah, and it's the excitement building up together. Yeah, anticipation, right? Right.

SPEAKER_00 5:19

For sure. Um so qu Joe, question for you is is how do you ensure that your relationship with your wife isn't only about sex or that your desire for her is the only thing that's being presented or communicated? Um how do you make sure that your desire for her goes beyond physical intimacy so that she knows that you see her as a fully formed person, uh, that she's someone you're interested in, that that uh you have a heart for her, that you are for her and championing her, uh, and you see her more than just a wife and more than just a mom, um, which are both noble callings, but you know who she is as a woman, as a child of God, too. Yeah. What does that look like for you?

SPEAKER_02 5:58

Yeah. Well, I tried to have a heart on before I have a heart on.

SPEAKER_01 6:01

Ooh, I can't. Just kidding. We there's been so many in this episode that we're just coming up with. I'm like, I just feel like the spirit's moving. That's right. It's so good. Write all these down, folks.

SPEAKER_02 6:14

Put them on a post note in your car. Um, yeah, I listen, I I I think I've learned this is something that you I think you have to learn. I don't think it just comes naturally. Um, but learning to to love my wife and help her to get up to a place of um of comfort and trust and get her to a place of like she knows that I'm for what she's doing without any strings attached. That's good. You know, I think that's a big thing. I think sometimes in in you see these in like sitcoms and stuff. It's like the guy's like doing the laundry and yeah, cleaning the house because he wants to get lucky. All right. I scrub the dishes, you scrub me. Right, exactly.

SPEAKER_03 6:55

Scab, scab, scab.

SPEAKER_02 6:57

And I think that what would it look like for just to do that because you just want to bless? Yeah. Or what it what is like I I did a uh a conference this weekend on intimacy and stuff, and one of the things we talked about is like, it's like what what if we just cuddled because we just want to cuddle? Yeah. Or what if we just did things because you just want to do those things, not because there's always something in return. And so I think that I think that we I think one of the ways I I kind of have built this is like um living as if I don't need anything from her. But but she knows that I do, and I know that I do. But not making it that the thing. Yeah. It's like I made the bed, you did this, just I did that. Then it becomes this like weird kind of like um give and take. Yeah. What we call a transactional sex, right? Right. Yeah. And um, and so the more the more that I can make life just cheering her on um because I just love her, um, it it actually frees both of us to then enter into that, you know, it's so funny because sex is such a moment. Right. Right? It's a beautiful moment, right? Best moment in the world, but it is like literally m you know, an hour of your day if you're lucky. Right. And it's like you still have twenty three other hours.

SPEAKER_00 8:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:12

And so, but yet we live as if we're living for like the five-minute wonder. Yes. And so I think that's what kills marriages. Or that's what makes it it makes it makes sex not enjoyable in the way that I think it was intended to live. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 8:26

What about you? Yeah, well, I I think um connecting to what you're saying too, I I think if you are attempted to do these things for a reward of sex and not just because you want to love your wife well, then I think I think you know the Lord might want you to know that you are desiring a good thing to an unhealthy degree or or putting it over at an unhealthy priority um over things that should be. Like, I I think I definitely know what you're talking about, the transactional stuff. I hit a point where it wasn't necessarily necessarily for sex, but where it's like I'd kind of report to Sarah, like, I did this, this, and this. And I'm like, she doesn't tell me all the stuff she gets done, she just does it. It's like, hey, why do you want to just jump in uh without getting a gold star or a little pat on the crotch, you know? I was a good boy.

SPEAKER_01 9:15

Like, okay. I do that I do this all the time. Yeah. And I'm like, and don't I reward you with sexy? Come on. Ferris, fair. I know. I'm I'm so generous. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:24

Uh I think I just love spending time with my wife, and she is not someone that deserves to be at a lower rung in my priorities and in my schedule. Uh for me, it's it's ensuring that we're having conversations just about who she is and where she's at as a person that we're talking about. Like, what does it look like in your prayer life right now? What are you reading in the word? Like, can we pray together? Can we talk about anything and everything together, whether it's the kids, whether it's finances, whether it's work, um, vision for our family, dreaming. We have to have conversations about all this stuff. And I alluded to this um in a previous episode, but it's communication, I think, for us about everything uh that really helps us and helps me to just stay in a fully fleshed out relationship with her beyond just her flesh, her wonderful, wonderful flesh. Um I think that it becomes a habit. And if you don't have those habits, you know, you you want to create them. You want to ask like good questions. Maybe you you pick up her feet and give her a foot rub. Um, this is not just for for guys either. This is for wives. We're speaking from a guy's perspective, of course. Uh, whatever it looks like for you, yeah, um I think what what I have to remember is how can I love her in a way that blesses her? Yeah. That's not just what I because I have my love language. I'm like, look, I did this. She's like, that's fine. I really wish you'd done X. I'm like, oh next time I'll do that.

SPEAKER_02 10:56

That's true. Oftentimes we we we do uh what we want rather than what they want. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 11:03

Yeah, yeah. What's important to me rather than well, what would really be good for her? Yeah. And sometimes it isn't doing the dishes, it's just going and like you're saying, holding her, hugging her, being in a moment with her. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:13

Uh yeah. Yeah, I think if we understand uh life, I mean, we know we're talking about we're talking about sex, but we're talking about life, right? Like, what were we created for?

unknown 11:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:25

And if you look in the Bible and we're believers, like if you look in Genesis, it says that they knew each other and they had no shame. Obviously, that knew is sex and of course into deep intimacy. Yeah. Um and so they knew each other and there was no shame. Um, and then we see that sex is like this gift to for us to have pleasure and to protect and procreation, all that stuff. Um and if we if we see if we see like uh the beginning as well is that um it wasn't good for Adam to be alone, so he created a woman, and we were meant to have this this this beautiful harmony, um, and it doesn't get any deeper than sexual, yeah, right, in that sense. Um then you start to realize that okay, uh, you know, I wasn't created to be alone, um, especially if you're married. Um so the answer isn't to try to convince my wife to have sex with me or to manipulate her to have sex with you. That's needed to survive as as humans. Yeah. There's there's a there's a deep uh desire and need inside of us to be known and to know. Yeah. And if if we just if we if we try to jump to the action, um we don't really get the benefits of everything that leads up to it. Exactly. And so I think it's important to realize that like um, and we all do seasons, right? There's seasons we have more sex, less sex. Yeah. Um but it's like at the end of the day, my wife needs me. I need my wife. Yeah. Um, and the more that we can build towards each other in God, um, I think then comes this deep into me and deep and wonderful sex. Yeah. And so I I think it's almost just kind of reverse engineering it a bit of like, why are we alive? Why are we together? Why do we need a spouse? Right. You know, he it's it talks about that, you know, God brought all the animals to Adam and no no one could see them, you know. And so there is like it's just understanding that we were made to do this, but it can be amazing or it can be horrible. Yeah. Right. And so I think I think it's important, uh, as we talked about before the bedroom, like to understand like the theology and even the understanding of humanity. Um, because that just I feel like that just helps give direction. Um and you know, we have you know, what is it, 300 65 days? Is that what it is? Um and I think sometimes we should we focus on like okay, it's date night once a week, we're gonna have sex, or we're gonna do this, do that. And if you just take a step back and say, what is what is our what is the the the narrative of our sex story last year? And maybe looking at this year and say, how can we how can we become closer together? Yeah. You know what I mean? And again, a lot of this starts outside of the bedroom. Um we have some mentors and stuff, and they say sex starts in the kitchen, right? So it's it's it's it's in the morning when you wake up, getting helping the kids ready for school. It's it's listening. It's so I I think for we just really want to push this idea of like, hey, it's important to start thinking about before and after. Yeah. Right? Because it also, I think sometimes you can have sex, and you're like, okay, I got it, now I'm gonna go and do my thing. But that's just not how it works for everybody.

SPEAKER_00 14:38

You can't jump back back into a detachment mindset. It's like, okay, well now what's the next thing? Right. Well, let's move on with our day, our week. Um yeah, you know, I I think the the that investment plays into better sex because you're both seeing each other, and you are both uh again. There's something so special about making love to your spouse and seeing them as a person, knowing them as a person, and understanding all their complexities and all the beauty, not just in their body band, their soul, uh, and that closeness is then it it's more than just oh finally, you know, it's it's been weeks. It's rooted in like, oh my gosh, like we get to do this together, we get to do life together. We just we just came together, but literally, we just came together physically to be united in this moment. Right. And now you take that and you go back out with hopefully sex is quick stop, uh, pit stop. And you take that and you're like, there's this unity, yeah, and this like even across like a crowded room, it's like yeah, that's my girl. Yeah, you know, like I know I've got her back, she's got my back. Yeah. Uh so and just before we before we end, um we talked a little bit on it, but I wonder if there's any any practicals for you, what investment looks like for you. Yeah. Um I I can just jump in real quick. I think for us, it um it definitely looks like getting into each other's lives and not not holding anything back and really having a comprehensive uh I guess view into each other's lives. And that means maybe you're listening to stuff sometimes, you're like, oh, this doesn't have anything to do with me in the moment, but it's something that's on his heart or her heart. And so I want to hear, I want to be excited. Sarah will listen to me. I'm a big movie guy. Sarah will listen to me talking movies, and I know she's not faking it. I know she actually has genuine interest because of her love for me, not because she's like, yeah, movies are so interesting, Ryan. Sure. She just loves me enough to hear me talk about something I'm passionate about. Uh, and I'm trying to get better at hearing her talk about things. No, there, there's, there's I love seeing my wife excited about things. I love getting invested in her causes. Uh maybe you can speak to that because I know your wife has some new things going on right now, and it's cool to see you champion her. Uh why don't you go for it?

SPEAKER_02 17:05

Yeah, I think I think um I think uh you know, Rosie's starting a business and and um really trying to be kind of a cheerleader and um a uh a partner in that, you know, and and uh investing into what she's excited about practically, listening, giving her feedback, um you know, um praying with her, like being excited for her, being uh being there as a rock of kind of like steadiness. Um and I think those things are helpful investments. I think I think going on dates are helpful investments um because it especially if you have kids, it gets you out of like the the vortex of chaos, you know. Yeah. And and and really um kind of like uh investing into each other. It's interesting. We we're we've been away and we left the girls at at my sister's house for a couple days and we went to Denver, and it was nice to kind of just be like, oh, like this is what life's like without kids. Right. It's so much easier to just listen and to just have conversations and like little moments of investing into each other and and asking questions and like laughing and all that kind of stuff. Like, and it's just hard to do that with kids. And so part of investment is setting time aside, paying for a babysitter, yeah, um, like doing what needs to be done to build the friendship, build the relationship, build the intimacy and all that stuff. Um, and I feel like when you do those things, I feel like we become less sex hungry and we just become more like relationship satisfied. Yeah, yeah and and and then joy just is birthed out of sex, you know. It's just like that's what happens. It's just it's it's so natural. Um and sometimes you have to force it, like right, there's moments, but like even in the forcing, having a solid foundation of investment before is is a big thing. And and I think that um women need to feel safe and and feel heard, and and guys want to be seen and known. And so I think like there's an investment on both ends that we can do to really um build the foundation before the bed, you know. And I we try to tell us that young people who get married, it's like, hey, it's gonna be fun, like yes, do as much as you can, but just be mindful that you don't be create an unnecessary bad habit of like um marriage is only well, sex is going well, or you know, sex is what covers a multitude of sins. Like just being mindful that um this is an act that's birthed out of something. Yeah, and it's either like horniness or like deep intimacy. And and again, horniness is not wrong, but I think I think when that's only the thing driving it because there's no other thing. Completely right. Then it it it it bec it becomes dry, it becomes selfish, um, and it becomes then you get bitter and angry and all that kind of stuff.

SPEAKER_00 19:56

And you're missing out on the benefits. Yeah. Like that's what we're talking about here. It's this this is not uh if you're if you have a high libido and you're trying to figure out how to get your partner's pants, this is not the playbook for that. That might be a happy byproduct, but what we're trying to do is open your eyes to the benefits you're missing of being in real intimacy with your with your spouse.

SPEAKER_02 20:14

Right, no, 100%. And and it's a journey, and it doesn't happen overnight. So if you're in a place where you're like where there is no investment or there is no foundation, or there isn't kind of before the bedroom um plan, um man, we encourage you to start just thinking, just just even this week, start thinking through what is one thing I can do to invest into my spouse. Um and just do that over and over for a while. Or even have the question we talked about a lot, I think last week conversations like ask like what can I do to invest into this relationship that will um uh allow you to be just satisfied and and hungry for for something more, you know. Um what we can do next week is I actually have like 15 questions I gave that group um to talk about like good questions to ask each other. And so um, we can do that next week because that that would be very helpful. Yeah, um but hey, we we're we're really excited that um we're on this journey with you. Um you're not alone. Um we have good days and bad days just like you. Yep. Um and uh the the big thing is is not to do this alone. So keep listening, keep investing, um, don't give up. Yeah, that's the biggest thing, right? For sure. Um and ask good questions. And so thanks for listening.

SPEAKER_00 21:30

We'll catch you next week. Appreciate you tuning in. I hope this has been beneficial. And uh we'll talk to you soon.